Wood

I don't think wood affects me that much. I think about him, so many times in one day. That doesn't affect anything. He just appears there, that's all. I live my life after a little bit of day dreaming. But I have no idea why sometimes, I get sad for no reason. Like. I seriously have no idea. I just wanna have my own damn space and be alone. I can't explain what's wrong to anyone when I myself have no damn clue.

Yes wood does affect me that much. His notification still does pops up. Still. I want to know how his life has been going. I want to know if he still goes to his grandma's place every Saturday. I wanna know if he and captain has been in contact. I wanna know what he's up to. Everything.

It's actually very hard. I care, I always do. But I have to pretend like I don't! I thought I was pretty convincing. "Yh, you will do fine as long as you don't think too much about it." Isn't that avoiding shits? Time heals? Time brings me forward, time lets me meet new people, live a new life, but that doesn't heal. Our minds have too big capacity, you can store them. Store them over there for a while, and when midnight strikes, you break down, into pieces again. And again. Unless you're too tired to think, and you fall asleep before the sounds appear. It's just storing them. In a box. A very easily openable box. It's avoiding them.

I'm not doing fine at all. I miss him. I care. And I'm doing the opposite. How bad it is to push someone you value away from your life. Wood, does that hurt? It hurts for me too. Do you know? No of course you don't. You don't have to know. No matter what I do, it'll always end up badly.

I care and I show it, you hit me back with words, that pain, that unbearable pain. And when I don't show it? How different it is? It's just in that box. How do people move on? How, exactly? I hate myself for being like this.

Why? How? Why can you do things to me but still not make me hate you?

Call

Oh gosh this is so awkward.

The moment you wanna call your dad, but you accidentally tapped on your ex's name.

Whatsapp call is freaking evil. The call goes straight to the receiver like right away. I swear I tapped end call. But I know how this works. Cuz I've tried accidentally calling someone else and that someone picked up. Or the other way round, someone called me accidentally and I picked up too soon before they end call.

Just one small mistake.

I unintentionally called you. I explained. That's all. Let's go back to how it's supposed to be. Me ignoring you. Me being a bitch. You hating me. You blocking me from seeing your feeds and walls. Go back to that. Don't talk to me please, cuz you hate me. That's how it should be. Go with the flow, and stop messing things up.

I'm sorry for having clumsy hands. Sorry that my mind still wants to call you. But that was really an accident.

Wood

"You will never see my name in your notification."

I thought so. But dear, you have no idea how frequently I'm scrolling fb, right? So frequent I couldn't believe it. I saw your name anyway. You appeared for a second, then you unliked it so quickly. Did you agree so much on my shared posts you almost forgot that you're planning to not show up in my notifications at all? I'm gonna pretend that I didn't notice that one sec reaction.

I wonder what would you think. You were different. Too shy to show up that much in front of my family. What would you think if you knew a guy friend of mine are gonna tour my family around? What would you think, if a guy friend that got invited over for dinner had his before you, a guy that left my life.

I remember the first time I met your friends. That night, you whispered to me that they think I'd be a better gf than your past ones. I was happy. Well, I wonder what you tell them now. They must be hating me more than you do. They must be taking that comment back. Your captain must be so disappointed of me.

Do I have to feel bad for treating someone so good, while deleting you in my life? Should I? Am I wrong for making someone else this happy? Should I feel guilty? Am I guilty? I knew I couldn't promise anything. I knew, once Wood's in my heart I shouldn't just... Idk what I'm doing.

Sometimes I'd regret. Regret for treating someone too nice, making someone too happy. Then what? There's nothing else I can do for him. I'll be your biggest disappointment. Maybe I'd make you accidentally invest your efforts on me. I appreciate efforts. I'd show appreciation too. But then both of us would be so happy. And shits start building in my head. I doubt. I think I'm wrong. I think being nice to each other is the first step to hell. The cycle continues, then it's unstoppable. At the end, everyone would get hurt. It'll be hard for one to walk away, but eventually one would walk away. The one walking away would either be happy with it, or maybe not. Then leaving the other, depressed. Probably. Or whatever. I'm walking towards hell. Can you get the picture? Investing efforts in each other, strengthening a bond.

Facts are, things change. People come and go. Tbh I don't think I want to be that happy. I just don't wanna get depressed anymore. To achieve that, I have to accept that everything's temporary. One day I'd just be so... So okay to lose anything. Then that day I can finally say, I'm content. I'm breathing, and that's the best thing life can give me. Nothing would affect my mood, feelings.

But someone told me that it's not a great thing, because you forget. You forget about emotions, stuff, you don't remember how to care anymore. And when you feel something, you doubt yourself. "Am I feeling it or am I believing in the idea of it?"

At the end, nothing makes sense. I can just stay as a selfish heartless human who isolate myself from everyone else, or... I can make someone else happy. And either way, I'd think that I'm not doing it right. It'll be questions, questions. Until I die. Is this how life is supposed to be?

Do you go left, where nothing's right, or would you go right, where nothing's left?

Wood

Weird thing is he didn't block me in anything. Not fb, not whatsapp, didn't even delete me in snapchat.

I do miss him. Few times on daily basis. Then I think about how I've talked to him, how supposingly he should be hating me so badly right now, then I stop. There's no point missing someone that I've removed in my life, cuz I did this myself. But I still do miss him like crazy.

One thing he did. He customised his fb photos privacy. I couldn't see them all rn. I wonder why. Since I'm this sohaishitex. Wood don't you wanna show me how normal your life would be without me? Perhaps, you changed snapchat privacy settings too? Cuz it's rare to not see anything in your stories. He probably thinks I've badly backstabbed him for another guy.

Maybe he couldn't accept the truths about how his behavior made them left him, so it sounded like they're all mean girls that left. I thought I'd never be one of them, but I am already. Probably the meanest one? I mean hey I told him to Fuck off. Probably one of the meanest texts I've sent while crying rivers at the other side of the screen.

I know how much hate is required for me to remove someone's right to see everything in the wall. Tbh it kills me. Making him did all that, quietly. He probably thinks I didn't notice them, cuz I'd make a big fuss abt it and beg him to allow me to see them again. But not this time. I'll have to pretend how heartless I am. How completely I want him to leave me alone. How serious I am. No matter how bad it is. I regret tapping in his profile to check on him. I mean why? He thinks I don't care anymore. It shouldn't hurt, but it did.

Maybe because it's midnight and I've woken up by severe pain from a dream.

Moon says I'm a daydreamer, and a night thinker.

Never been more accurate. I'm smiling a lot these days. Getting these crazy depressed nights lesser and lesser. But they still happen. Sometimes, I think it's bad to wake someone up to talk about shits in my head. Even tho I know how someone would be sooo willing to be a listener.. it's just. It's my shit. It's better I take them alone.

Sometimes, negativity spreads. It sucks when it did, cuz seriously I have zero intention to spread them, especially to extremely positive people. It hurts when they become quiet. I remember how drama queen became quiet. How moon became quiet. It's all my fault.

Who'd be awake at 2.30am and handle all this depressed talk? Just me.

Please yh. Get over him. A guy that treated you like that doesn't deserve your tears anymore.

.

I don't understand. It's not like I saw his name or anything. I'm in a conversation with moon. Just normal days. It's afternoon. The weather is just nice. My eyes so tired cuz I slept just about four hours.

My mind still does wander. For no reason, It reached that memory.

I lived a year with him occasionally back. It was bad. Let's see if I can push him away for a year. Without him occasionally back.

I don't care if I broke my arm, if it became a freaking permanent injury that I maybe couldn't badminton anymore. I'll never ask help from him.

A year later I'm gonna look back and be like holy crap why didn't I make him fuck off earlier and allowed him to mentally kill me again and again. I'm gonna be so proud of myself for finally doing what's best for me. Remove the toxic. It's just hard at the beginning. There'll be chances it comes back trying to make you addicted again, but we gotta fight that. Very firmly.

He haunts me. But I'll get over it.

Wood

I literally ignored him. Then got blocked. I expected that anyway, why feeling bad? I asked for it. I ignored every single one of his messages, and I'm just dying inside. Thinking bout how bad I made the situation become, how pissed I've made him. He probably hates me now. I really asked for it. I was ready, but I guess my mind wasn't prepared. It was, but it's still bad.

I got home earlier today. I'm feeling so empty like I've lost everything that used to occupy my heart. I just sat down on the floor. I'm so tired. Empty. I didn't exactly lose anything. I lost him a year ago. Today, he lost me. It's a good thing. It's nothing to be sad of. From now on he wouldn't pop into my life and act like someone who cares. He wouldn't appear in all of sudden just to trigger everything then fuck up my day. It's a damn good thing. I have to thank him for blocking me. Thank you wood.

I'm gonna miss the old you.

I'm so sorry pineapple. I couldn't maintain this friendship. It's gonna be so awkward. Since the day you broke up with pax, since the day i made him blocked me. It's all over. It's just me and you. I guess the four of us can't play together anymore? I don't even know what to do if the djians invite us all. If they invited me and wood, oh gosh it's gonna be so bad. But you definitely understand. You're my pineapple. I wouldn't mind if you and wood stay friends. None of my business anyway.

I guess today is it.

Wood

I can't believe what I'm doing. I've made a decision of ignoring him until..... Idk when, maybe when we're old enough to stop hurting each other? Whenever that is, hah, it'll probably be years later, or maybe never.I'm gonna let go some day. One day he can send me texts and I'd not get affected. I'd stop searching only for his name in snapchat just to see how he's been doing. Yeah one day I'll stop them all.

Wood, I find our communications super problematic. It's just impossible to clear things up with you. I've spent a year, and still failed. You seemed like you're finally listening to what I'm trying to tell, but still, misunderstandings, assumptions, overthinking, everthing ruined it like always. I feel it's pointless to keep trying since it only hurts us both. I think. I'm the bad guy right now. If you feel like it, there's nothing I can say. I'll forever be the one who picks another friend over you, in your mind. I'll ignore how bad it is knowing you'd think that way. I'll stop explaining,

I said I let go of our relationship. Did you believe that? I said I let go and I want us to be just friends. But honestly. If you made effort, you knew that I'd irresistibly run back into your arms. That was what I thought. I said I give up, but... I'm gonna need much more than a year to do that. You lil shit.

My sister used to like mentioning you for fun. She didn't know she was killing me inside, she thought I was just mad. I usually leave the room to be alone. I guess I looked so damn fine to my family facing the break up. I hate her mentioning you. I also hate you thinking that I'm deeply in love with moon. Cuz how could you think that way, when deep down inside I'm dying to make up with you? It fucking hurts. still. I can't believe it.

I'm not gonna block you. I won't ever block you. Maybe you'll be the one blocking me, but I'll be okay after a while. I'm gonna show you, your words, actions and seeing you smiling with people won't affect me anymore, cuz you're just gonna be one friend that I never talk to in fb. We have many of that friends, and you're just one of them. I want you to still look at my name, and one day maybe realize you've lost the one who'd do literally everything for you. I want you to see me living a happy life alone, and you're okay to not be a part of my life anymore.

I just have to face the final few texts before you stop.

When someone won't let you in, eventually you stop knocking. - Ransom Riggs.
You'll stop, then we'll live a peaceful life away from each other. I just gotta patiently wait.

The good news is, nothing lasts forever, including this pain.



I remember that soft epilogue you've agreed on. I said I want to talk, and that's the last thing I ask from you. So you agreed, we just sat in the car in the middle of the road. Then we talked. It was mostly you speaking, I listened, nodded while crying without any sound. You told me how tired you were. How stressed you were because of my stupid unsecured mind, my never ending overthinking, my little expectations. And the last twenty minutes we just hugged. Reminiscing those moments. Just that. When you dropped me, you gave me that forehead kiss.

Flashing back about it, it still fucking kills me. 

Wood

What fucking right do you have to talk about "chances"? Last chance? Hahahah seriously, fuck off. Why wouldn't you understand fuck off? I thought you don't understand everytime I care, so now you don't understand fuck off too? Why do you have to screw up all my classes, every fucking time I just wanna smile and stop thinking bout shits you enjoy to do to me, you fucking hate me so much right? You hate me this much you enjoy thst mentally torture. You enjoy the idea of me dying every day, even when I tell you to fuck off my life.

Block you? Everyone's telling me to block you. I seriously don't understand why the hell do I.still give a fuck about you. What have you done to me? Drugged me? Just fuck off, totally fuck off

.

2.49am
The voices are loud. Again. It's like people shouting in my ears. Why won't they go away? I wonder if anyone else have these kinds of voices. I mean... Am I normal or going insane??

They say, when you're going to feel terrible, think about the good things. I can picture them all food friends and yip man and moon.

Actually I do have awesome friends. Stomata showed me her crush's photo. I mean.. wow, you trust me, and I appreciate that. Then yip man,,, oh gosh I will definitely update you but seriously hope in person or anything. Pineapple too even tho we were always far away, but it's easy to stay in contact as long as an effort is made. I remember how you called me daily to check on me last year Oct. You will never imagine how hard I tried to sound cool and fine. It's ok they don't have to know that.

Life's good when the focus are on these awesome people instead of toxic ones. Yeah. I think Im a stubborn lil shit, almost no one can change my decisions. So I feel awesome to be having a clear state of mind. No matter how bad it is, it won't last long cuz I'm gonna end it.

Some say broken lovers can't be friends, unless they're still in love or they never loved. I used to think that's not true in my case. But now yeah I guess, we can't be friends.

Ok I think I must sleep now. Stupid voices just fuck off. Just look at how released I am.

I'm free.

.

I'm so free rn. The college is quiet, the cafeteria is so empty. It's December, the best month of the year. Good things happen in this month. I got together with him two years ago this month. I cut off contact with him a day ago, same month. They're all good things. We've been through a lot.

Two years can make so much difference. I was lifeless and unmotivated, then I came to life with his existence, then became a psycho that doesn't know how to love myself anymore, into a piece of negative shit that can't possibly trust relationships anymore.

It goes from "I can't possibly live without you" to "You fuck off, leave." It was bad, cuz I still think he's not a bad person. It was different mindset, too different priorities and concerns. You care so much about the future that you're screwing up the present, which would screw up the future you planned. For me, I actually don't give enough shit bout the future, I want to enjoy my freaking 18 year old life and you're just making everything seems so old and dying.

Class please start rn before you cause an overthinking shit life. Now please.

Hard epilogue

It's a complete release. Idk if he's gonna keep this promise, but I think I've told him to fuck off my life. Indirectly last time, directly this time.

"Just leave, I'm done."

I'm thankful moon insisted we meet up. I never actually knew how it's like to have a friend that.. worries so badly. How it was like to really have a shoulder to cry on. I still wish I could wipe of your memory of my face for yesterday.

I wish I could wipe off my own memories too. I wish wood stays silent and never finds me anymore. It's just so much better in this life without him.

Sometimes being a bitch is a good thing in order to prevent further damages. Yeah, it's a good thing.

.

There are people in the house. Relatives. I wanted to leave my phone upstairs, but I just didn't. My phone was on silent. Wood texted me, I didn't know. I ignored his few texts, again and again, then mom told me to google something, which made me seen his texts again. I simply replied him. Here we go again.

I can't believe I stopped eating and just texted him, madly, all the way. I can't believe there are people in front and I almost just cried there. Haha. Stupid dumb ass. Stupid dumb shit.

Seaweed texted me something he was excited about. I replied, sure. He said I sound sad. Does sure sounds sad?

What makes people think thst you're sad? I didn't even say anything.

I promised myself to never cry for that shit anymore.

It's just so great I've completely told him how shitty he made me, and that I fucking let go.

So just fucking smile.
Smile for the rest of my life, so no one would ask me.

Wood.

Do you know, how speechless I was, seeing your text? I'm still thinking about it. Ooh so you do know that you've been a jerk for an entire year. And all you care about is your fucking dumbass pride.

One does not fucking dump someone and come back as he wishes. You don't do that if you really love me. No you don't, you love the attention I gave, you love the way I care. But guess what, I don't!

I see you're very free now. Wood, I'm not. I'm not free for you even if I unresistibly went out with you a couple times. I'm not your choice. Do you think you can just make me be with you as you please? No! Idiot season has passed. I'm fucking awake, so you don't come back. You fuck off with your stupid pride.

Feeling stucked up? Missing me badly? Wood I've been like that for an entire year. I've veeb fucking depressed, I'm like drunk for a year. You know how terrible that is? If you can bear with treating me that way for a year and feel nothing, then continue to do that.

I can't believe I still care! Really? Pride?? No. Stop. Wood I've typed an entire paragraph to tell you everything, and you just reacted that easily. I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to be truthful with you. Still, pride. Pride. Pride is everything huh? Then go, go find a girl that cab stand your pride.

Yeah, I said I let go, so? Do you think it's that easy? I'm dying trying to let go. Still thinking bout us, how we used to be, pride!?

You didn't make them hate you. My family didn't know shit, cuz I protected your fucking pride much harder than myself, ended up I just gotta fuck myself up in bed in order to not let them hate you. Do you know how many nights I've soaked my pillows just because of how you treated me? I still fuck up my mood when I blog, cuz you matter! Pride. Wow.

I'm just a nothing that prob loves you more than myself.

Wood

So, insomnia huh. I have so much bullshit in my head. I honestly wish blogger can have black background and white fonts while typing so my eyes don't have to squint.

Idk what I'm really thinking. It's a good thing we both agreed being like this to each other, even when he clearly knew I didn't stop the feelings. We got jealous for each other. I knew, he knew too, but still we won't cross the line anymore.

I didn't ask you out, I'm just being responsible to treat you.

Uhm. He taped my back. (My back freaking sucks.) He said I gotta do full stretches from now on. (Oh so that's why, sometimes I forgot to warm up my arms) I still feel kinda awesome cuz he really does care.

Breaking up makes us... so daring. I could tell him everything rn. Like everything, and not be afraid of him getting pissed, cuz it's my life. And he could tell me stuff too, many stuff.

It's just his reaction. His reaction was nothing much.

If it's fifty fifty, it must've been hard to break up with me. And when I've swallowed my pride, begging you not to leave like a brainless shit, it must've been hard too, for you to still be an ass. For the sake of us, you've done alot.

I should thank you for not reacting much, but I guess there's still a part of me wishes seeing you wanting me back. Guess you were just so good at pretending.

Back pain

I'm thinking a lot. Things that used to happen, things that I wished it can still happen, things that I just imagined for no reason.

I used to think losing him would just kill me. Of course, it was bad. However, I survived. Then I thought of putting priority on things, badminton. What if, I lose badminton too?

Wood told me that I probably injured my teres minor. A small muscle at the back. He told me to stop playing. Am I gonna stop playing? ...... Maybe I'll stop hitting hard. I'll just let them be half court. Maybe I'll give up on so so so many shots, or just return more drops.

It just can't be. Badminton's the reason I connect with half the people in my life rn. It's like such a huge part.

I'm feeling so dying. That one-week-diarrhea might be back. Maybe whatever caused it hasn't left. Maybe something's living in me had been inactive for a short while, and now it's active again. I fucking hate diarrhea. Even tho it clearly helped me lose weight, but... I feel like all the awesome food got wasted.

I just wish they all can recover. Let's just hope I get to eat normal. Alright time to wake someone.

Chem was so tiring, but I did absorbed stuff. I like Jaclyn.

Wood

Wood wasn't confusing me. He was confused himself. After all this time, finally some words. Stupid assumptions can bring pain, so no assumptions. Don't ask me what do I think. Because I don't even let myself. I have no idea what you think, but finally you're telling me. We were both conflicting in the same way. I knew it couldn't work, but I tried. You want me, but don't want me. It's very nice of that tone, that honesty. I'm very glad we can peacefully have a conversation of serious talk.

I'm trying to not cross the line as friends, can you do that too?
I'll try...

That is the best thing I've heard tonight.

I'm good.

Wood

I see he's tagging someone else in funny shits from fb. I think I've been scrolling fb a little too much, reading comments a little too much.

It's my blog. I can admit things here.

Yes I'm so uncomfortable, but not as much as when I still want to fix us. I'm not jealous at all I'm so happy for him. So he found someone who'd give him better responses. So he realized he's the only one tagging me and finally he feels dumb.and decided to stop. Good!

The difference between us, is we open up and wrong times. I guess I told him everything in my head when we were together, when we broke up. But now, fimally I made him speak.

He told me his thoughts, while I kept mine. I only told him my decisions.

What's the difference between thoughts and decisions?

Fucking different.
I let go, but I still care about you.
I shut up, act ignorant, but I do miss you.
I cringe and push you away, but I missed this thing you used to do.

I said I let go. And I'm not regretting it at all. it's probably the best choice I'll ever make.

But wood you'll never know what's going on in my thoughts, cuz you don't have to know them anymore.

Wood

One thing I hate about going to my grandparents' would be the endless long car rides. I used to think I'm good at this, but... No, when I'm sitting in the middle, or next to a huge wheelchair with the metal thingy sticking out poking my ribs madly. When you only get 20% of your butt on the couch. All above made you unable to sleep but get more and much more exhausted. No. I wanted to throw up. Stomach actually turned upside down. Not a good feeling. Just gonna turn moody and all grumpy. Gosshhhh luckily then the adults noticed the constantly changing position struggles and helped adjusted the thing.

One short nap heals it all. I was just tired.

I didn't silent my phone, and suddenly it rang. All of the sudden, it's wrong. Wood called. The last time wood called was like an hour before he broke us up. This name.. He called? A nice tone, a gentle reminder. Was that really him?

I shouldn't be so happy. I really really shouldn't be. Whatever he did, then and now. Even if suddenly he's tagged me in so many stuff, no. I shouldn't be happy.

I gotta remember what he said that made me swore not to appear in his notifications anymore. I gotta remember how just one sentence turned my day into hell. Seriously, I gotta remember how painful it was.

It doesn't matter what he's doing rn. Doesn't matter what he's thinking, I don't care. I'm not gonna find out anymore. Even if he tells me, it's nothing. Never let the same damn fire burn you twice. It'll always look so pretty and bright, but facts are, it will hurt you.

Oh please it's just a goddamn 10sec call.

I seriously miss him calling tho.

No stop. Yh.

Actually maybe it doesn't matter too if I only partially got over him, right? As long as he sees it as I've completely let go, then everyone would stop hurting. He'd stop the habits too. He'd leave me alone and think that I'm probably so over him.
He's better than me, right?
Wood there's no such thing as who's better, you're all awesome in different ways.
Do you remember what you used to say? Wood you're the best.

Everything changed when you broke your damn promise. When you left me to die shattered. So accept it. You're the best in your future wife's heart. Whatever I used to say was just a past, forget it, move on.

I hope you notice the fact that it's now just you tagging me and showing up in my notifications. I wish you notice that I've stopped showing that I care since some time ago, and that I've stopped trying to remind you that I miss you.

Just bitterly saying, you should stop too. 

Going out.

I think it feels wrong because I'm going out with guys. Idk if I'm like giving hope or anything to anyone, but I think I definitely made it clear about it to them.

"YH where did you go, what did you do?"
"Went to uptown, just ate spaghetti."
"We didn't even get you to eat spaghetti with us!"
"We shared! So it was cheaper."
"Aaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"

Wood asked me out. I was thinking, I gotta go, and see if I can make myself treat him like a friend. I think I did it? At least I can stop staring at him when he drives. I can push him away when he crossed the line. I stopped approaching him randomly. It feels weird. Usually he was the one who pulls his arms away. I just tense up, and thought "No, we're just friends." It proved that I really can stop. The amount of concern is the same I guess. We still do, mutually care about each other. It's just it doesn't matter anymore whether he knows it or not. He told me his great achievements. I'm happy for him. After we parted ways, he's free too. He has all his time for himself and his family, without burden. He diagnosed my shoulder problem, and helped as much as he could. Yeah, he cares. I believe him. I guess we can be friends anyway. :D Just honestly wish he stops stressing himself out too much.

I went out with moon too. A few times. Idk if it's right or wrong. It's like giving hope, but.. he's a close friend. I do like to talk about stuff to him like this than in front of a bunch of peeps. But it's so comfortable with him I'm worried.

"I know him tru badminton, he's a very close friend rn, but recently there's an issue."
*tells them about the book, and the phrase."
"I'm worried that he'd like me"
"You're probably more worried that you'd like him back, don't you?"

Shell and stomata knows me well. I do like him, as a close friend, and I don't know what's gonna happen next. One wrong feel can kill a friendship. It can possibly turn everything into nothing, turn smiles into tears. shits, etc. Facts are humans change so fast....

Let's hope it stays this way for years and years, so nobody gets hurt. 

.

I used to think that the most quietest way to release fuckedupmood is freaking punch the wall. And if you need to cry, turn up the volume. Make it so loud you can't hear your own gulps. I was wrong. The walls aren't so good at absorbing the sound especially when you hit hard. It's still very obviously loud. Ahahaha just a sudden thought.

I'm craving cheese. Cheesecake. Cheesy damn pizza. The weather is so hot, so hot I wanna turn on the aircon. It's dumb what people do, right? You eat them anyway even tho you know you're gonna get bad bad diarrhea afterwards. You turn them on even when you already have your nose fucked. We do things we love despite how bad it's gonna end. It's the choice we made, and we prepare to suffer.

I was scrolling fast on fb. Tbh I was looking for a post. Haha. Didn't find it anyway. I saw one photo,

"Not sure about love, but I believe in block at first sight."
This is literally me!

Block at first sight. Uh huh. Sometimes I think it's easy. For someone so unfriendly like me....  Back to college, seeing few snaps that made me feel so lost. June's gone? She left the college and went for further studies at US. And I didn't have any clue. Such a great friend huh? Block at first sight wasn't a joke. I feel bad for not knowing, not saying anything and she just left.

That's how life works. We both didn't put effort to bond well. And guess what, I'm not gonna put effort in anything else anymore.

Everytime I tell myself, fuck everything and concentrate on your studies! Then I fuck up my studies and overthink. This is how! How I screwed my spm, how I screwed my life. Yip man was damn right. These life dramas are just gonna screw up your life. It won't even stop!

When you're tired but you couldn't sleep, what do you do? Sit there and wait to die?

.

My mind is fucked.

I have a couple of customized notifications, but they all turn to uncustomized if I mute my phone. It's for class. Everyone has the same notification which is just yellow blink. Wood texted me.

Can you hear the shattering sounds, the screams? I can. Stop, stop. I cringe seeing his name, I think he'd give me a heart attack one day. It's not what he said in the conversation. It's what he used to say and I got nervous bout it. So nothing chaotic happened, it's a little plan. I felt like he finally wants to talk when I didn't want to talk. So we do need to meet up. 

But still I screwed up something else. 

For bio, we were learning energy and respiration. The fucked up chapter that I can't ever get myself to learn it. It's so complicated, but today, in class, I think it was worse than studying by my own. None fucking word get into my head. I think I learnt a bit, and fucked up rest of the chapter. 

If ONLY I could just turn off the damn phone during class, it'll be fine, wait, maybe not. Maybe I'll screw up after class is over. If only! Too late! Gosh! Shits gotta happen. Everything I do is a mistake. I go, I don't go. I hold tight, I let go. I miss, I stop. Every fucking thing. Nothing I do can ever just be fine. Right? WHY? 

Life is so conflicting. Can I ever do something without getting shits? Can I ever do anything and feel fucking free and glad to do it? NO! No. So fucking exhausted. 

I seriously wish one day I get into some fucked up accident and forget every fucking thing. Like everything. Forget everyone. Maybe just not my family. Everyone. Maybe I should just really. Stay away from people. Any fucking human. 

I wish I can live without blogging. For just one month. Let me sleep for a month. I don't wanna write anymore. But can I? Blog is like my only friend who doesn't do anything. Like it doesn't judge me. It doesn't tell me what to do. No advices. No judgements. It just lets me spill and spill and release anger, sorrow, anything. 

It's just useless. 

As long as I'm alive, I will never ever satisfy anyone. Might as well I fuck off. 

Chem class

Back to college! First damn class: Chemistry. Jaclyn has the tendency to give everyone chills. Gah I was excited, and she brought back all the pressure, the tension. Ok rewind. She's my chemistry lecturer. Pretty much one of the reasons I can say that I still have good lecturers.

"Paper 4 is hard because it includes everything you've learn, and paper 5 is very hard too, you get the complete experiment and you observe." (what if I'm too dumb to understand the experiment? ohgosh)

Seriously I like her teach. She's damn fast, but she made me study by my own just to catch up! I mean, very few people can make me such a good girl. Uhm. I'm gonna expect lots of exercises soon, then I'm gonna go crazy. Looking at her face makes me stress enough. But it's a good thing.

:D

Soft Epilogue

I realize we lie a lot especially about "I don't care". I don't care anymore. I let go. But have I? I did let go. I let go the urge to fix our relationship, that's all, right? I do care. I feel so conscious. Not blinded at all. A few crazy spams, I thought alot when I do that. Then I said them. It must be terrible. Maybe you believed me when I said I will never ever let go like I believed you. Who knows, when you broke your promise, I broke mine. Who knows, you were actually hoping, but didn't bother to let me know, leaving me playing your damn mind games.

If in the future we're still together, ....
A year. All of that is enough to tell me that "IF" will never happen.
Indirectly, wood, "us" will never happen anymore. From that fucking moment. It's already over.

Relationships are full of expectations, I guess? If they didn't broke up due to another person, it'll all be those damn expectations. You expect me to change my habits, I expect you to accept me loving to do things, she expects him to act for love madly despite her directions in life, he expects her to understand that he doesn't want to make her feel caged. All these shits lead to 'oh let's just fucking break up'. How wonderful! We care for each other so much and it made us all suffer. Stupid drama.

At least you don't do that to friends right?

Throughout the year, I texted the most with wood, yesterday. It wasn't like old times. Cross off the smiles, replace with anger and tears. I feel like the break up just happened yesterday. I was dumb af. Not anymore. Now I gotta keep my words. I say I give up, it means, I give up. I used to be so volatile that I can't keep my words. Today I say I give up, tomorrow I say I still love him. No, not anymore.

One year trying to fix us, it proved that I could live without your kisses, your care. I could live without you asking about my day, my life. I could live without tagging you, going out with you. I could smile too, very happily too. And better. I'll go have more piercings as planned. I can go out with my friends stressless, cuz I'm free from you. I'm free from anyone. I can do the things I like, I can sleep as late as I want, look at my Whatsapp as late as I want and not get any fucking pressure. I'm happier without you. One year proved all these. Of course there are still countless nights I get fucked up. One word from you, one comment makes my day go screwed. I fucked myself up because I care! Duh, I still do, but that doesn't change the fact that US will not have any future together.

One day, I'm gonna go for karaoke and sing all the sad songs without thinking of you, without missing you, without having that little painful inside. I'm gonna go through my stuff and mistakenly see the stuff you left behind, and I'll be okay. I'll fix my hardisk when I saved enough to do that. I'll flip through my photos and I'll delete our photos and not cry while doing that. I'll remove my whatsapp background, my laptop account dp. I'll remove our photos in fb that I've customized privacy "only me". I'll be so happy alone I forgot how happy you used to make me. Then when we go for badminton, I will not look at you that way anymore. One day, that will happen. And when I heard news about you moving on, I'll be happy for you too. I'll wish you happy with whoever your girl is.

I wish you learn how to let them out. Let her know about your thoughts, or else she will suffer too. Not just voluntarily squeeze time out just to be with her. It's not really fair. She has rights to know about it, cuz she cares too. You gotta let her know, and let her appreciate you. Maybe she'd tell you to go for them, go and be busy for yourself, cuz she wants you to be happy too. And please, believe her.

You're a great great guy. I love the way you describe your passions, the way you want to repay your family, the way you want to do for the society. You still do inspire me. I'll always remember the day we had training, and when I asked about your dream career. You were so bright. I was thinking, I want to be like this senior. I literally went back home and studied. :) I'll always remember that day when I said, wood I just had finals results, I'm sad. Motivate me. And you did. I really do appreciate everything you've done to me. Now on, I'll try to just remember about the great things you've done. It was great, right? 

Wood

And the fucking second time I thought it was over, you came back knocking my door. What do you want?

There's always gotta be a guy that makes you go blind, go mad, not yourself anymore. I found him. He left me. I tried to fix us, I thought I failed. I let go. He came back.

If it was me two months ago, I wouldn't hesitate and jump right into his arms. I'd go back to that life I thought I wanted. And go blind, be a fucking depressed person for life, convincing myself that I want this life.

Wood you were really clear when you broke us up. We aren't suitable for each other. You're toxic to my heart, and I'm chaos to your thoughts. Why come back? Think about the reason you broke us up. Think about it.

If you were me, would you even go back to you? A year. All you've done, you fucked up my life so bad, and now you say you care? Wood, no, you don't. If you care, you wouldn't treat me that way when I just purely wanted to fix us. You wouldn't do that to me, because you know how that tone could destroy me. You know how bad you're hurting me but you still did. You don't care. You don't and you never will anymore.

It's just someone new appeared in my feed, and that triggered something. You missed me. You missed all the attention I gave you.

Wood, I'm awake right now. Fully awake. You gotta know, how hard it is for me to tell you these stuff. You gotta know how bad I look when I tell you, "I decided to let go, be with whoever you wanna be with." It hurts, but it's how.

I let go, so please, you let go too.

.

I honestly thought everything was going fine. I thought I'm partially forgetting him. Partially moving on.

The dark, the music, it's so familiar.

I remember when we broke up, I didn't want to live anymore. Everyday, I avoided eye contact with my family, so they won't ask. I stayed in my bed all the time, so they don't have to see me cry. I always have a towel with me in bed, to cover my mouth. With loud music, so my sister doesn't have to hear any sound. I did it so well, she can actually tease me. Deep down, it hurts. But I gotta act like I'm just mad. In school, we sat in a circle. I was so sad I couldn't look at my friends without tearing up.

Depressed moments are over. Completely over. In more than a year, I tried everything. He was expecting something, I don't know what. I tried to talk. Clear things up. Unfortunately, I wanted to talk, he never responded. It's so unbearable. Wood. Do you know? Of course you don't.

I finally decided to give up. And you turned up giving me hope, telling me you were jealous. But wood. It's over. Even if You're still the top in my list, I pushed you away, too. It sucks because I didn't want to, but I must. I must make you leave my life. Why am I so depressed? I thought I was ready? Ready to lose this shit, relationshit or friendshit. I was prepared, but still, you turned up and gave me hope, and made me kick you out of my life.

We are indeed, unsuitable for each other. We're just two person that want each other, but couldn't be with each other. We're all complete by ourselves, relationships are supposed to enhance each others'life, intead, we ruined each other. The way you care fucked up my life. The way you tell me stuff tore me apart. So stop. This is it.

This is the first time, I think you sounded more vulnerable that I am. You're telling me things, and I have no idea what you're saying. Goodbye? Wood, you already said goodbye. You said Bye each time I tried to make up with you. You said Bye when I didn't want to leave. And now, you kept popping up in my notifications. Why? Wood, why?

The moment I said I give up, this is what you do? Wood you can fuck off now. As in fuck off my life. I'll cry for a day, and I'll get over you. I'll be ok afterwards. You? I don't care about you anymore.
When I said I'm tired of your bullshit, I mean it. Despite how many times you're gonna ask me to join your training, I won't go. Just mock me, look down on me, whatever. It won't work anymore, because I don't love you anymore.

.

Honestly I have no idea. I always told myself to expect the worst, but did I? "Don't hope." But deep down inside, I still do.

When plans are called off, leaving you hanging there like a dummy. Are you gonna say, expect everyone's gonna call off plans last minute?

Look around and ask yourself. Are those so called besties still around?
Fortunately yes. Fortunately.

Only wood left, the rest didn't. Then why? Why this negativity?

When you have one friend that's as same as you. Unsure but always comfortable together. "We'll enjoy while it lasts." It sounds like something bad's gonna happen. Did I expect something bad? Yes. But that couldn't stop me from worrying.

Even when I expect wood and I couldn't last, that didn't stop me from terrible break downs. That didn't stop all the worst suicidal thoughts, the insanity.

There's no way to stop all these. So, should I stop trying to push people away? The world is conflicting. Accept, it kills you. Try to avoid shits, it kills you too.

Now what?

1.30 and I'm trying to fall asleep. Perrrrrfect

Holiday

I planned a whole list of syllabus I have to reach in few days intervals for bio & chem, but I actually did nothing in three weeks of holiday. It's just too much holiday mood, I've had it even before exam ended. All I did was badminton, badminton, badminton, gain fats, sleep, drama. It's a very awesome life, but I went so broke, and so... wrong. It's just wrong to spend and spend like that, to have no curfews all the time, even when I'm having fun. 

So yesterday, I did the clean up. The 100% reorganizing my own stuff and shit. My room gets tidier and tidier each day, exclude the occasionally messed up laundry. I had a drawer of all uncatogerized stuff, now all well put and has the place it belongs to. Pure OCD. Yep. Boxes of memorable keychains and unmemorable ones, boxes of highschool memories, boxes of memories that should be thrown away but still kept. I put most of his stuff there. Most of them, cuz I realized I still miss him and didn't wanna put away all of them. There's just one tiny photo left in the wallet. 

Holidays are ending. I don't wanna regret. I felt like I'm going to, cuz there's still stuff expected to be done but not done yet: karaoke. Well, I can't believe I actually did it. Drama queen told me to expect nothing, so I didn't, but I still hoped. Dumb me. Moon made it happen. Very thankfully. It's the first time I get to control the remote, so I guess I just have to make sure he knows all the songs I've chosen. Fortunately, he knows sooooo many of Jay Chou's songs. And whatever I listen to. It's actually so awesome, but there's so little time! 

Karaoke makes people sentimental. Maybe just me? Idk. The lyrics make me think, make me sad, but just for a little while. It's still wood, I still think about wood a little too much. Maybe that's why it's still us at my laptop user dp? Maybe that's why it's still us in my whatsapp background. I feel like it's a need to remember. Remember it all, but put it aside just to remind myself. Let go, but don't really let go so I will never ever repeat the same mistake. Listening to them could possibly make me so depressed. Singing it crazily out loud helps release. All that frustration, it's finally over. I think it's cool to karaoke with just one person. I've always wanted to karaoke alone for once (that will definitely happen. Just me). I like to really have the chance to hear my own voice. How I sound, how it's like. Today I had the chance, I guess I wasn't so so bad? As long as it's in my range. Hm. Moon was crazy funny. Honestly wish we have more time so we could try more of his favorites too. Ughh actually felt bad. And he's sick! I could've easily called off the plan if I knew. 

It's an awesome day. Awesome holiday too. People promise what they think they can do for ten minutes. It's nice to listen, but not so nice if you're expecting something. What I learnt from life: expect the fucking worst. One thing I didn't expect from wood was a big bad break up before spm. Spending time with him, I knew it wasn't gonna last anyway. He had so so many lovely promises, some even sworn. Rivergrass had one too. I think he forgotten, maybe he didn't? Or the promise suddenly became too meaningless to be kept? Moon kept, a few so far. The main point is we karaoke'ed' together! Pure awesome. Thankyou for making my day being with me with your stuffy nose. 

Finding sentimental stuff in everything has became a habit. Legend of the blue sea is a freaking comedic drama. With one of my favorite actor, still, there's always a little sad fact in all lovely quotes. They aren't even real. Part of me wish it has a sad ending, cuz there's no such thing as happily ever after. Make it realistic, make us all broken because happiness is like a drug. It's so dangerous, and it makes you want to die when the source leaves. While part of me still hope for a happy ending, cuz it satisfies my little fantasy deep down inside. 

This is one of the holidays with the most ups and downs. It's a positive thing. I mean. Last year end too, but it was the most depressing year end. Holiday well spent, but not good enough cuz I was too lazy(wish I was hardworking). It's a satisfying one because I gained one potential best friend. Life, if you wanna take him away, I will be completely, speechless. Just please, don't do that to me anymore. Believing is such a risky, life-threatening thing, and I'm doing it.  How brave am I, lol. 

Tomorrow, I can start studying. 

Legend of the blue sea

A damn new drama. There's just four episodes so far. Here are some stuff they said.

“If you love someone… that means you surrender – you lost. In other words, if you love someone then you believe whatever he tells you” -

"Usually, good and pretty things disappear quickly. "
"Like this, with your eyes, you look at it well, and then keep it in your heart. When you have a sad day, you think about it. "

"Protecting someone else is after protecting yourself. That's how the order is. Changing that order is stupid, do you understand?"

Some stuff that's true af. It's just K drama, don't make it sentimental. 😂 I seriously have a problem. It's actually more towards comedy, but I find it sentimental.

Goshhh. Still love it tho <3

.

Suddenly it's all so familiar. The bed is still the place where you shed a million tears. Sometimes you swore, over and over again not to get fucked up in bed. You lie on the bed sideways, screen faced inwards, pretending to be asleep so your family doesnt bother you. You swore to just sleep there so exhausted and NO THINKING. Promises are pretty lies, even promises to self. When you promised yourself not to care anymore, not to feel anymore, not to hope anymore..... Deep down inside, you know you wanted the opposite. You want to feel, and care. That's what destroys you.

Kill everything, every hope. Tell everyone, fuck you. Yes it's selfish. Humans are selfish. Ever wondered how awesome the planet would be without us? We're using words, creating dramatic bullshits, killing each other. Fucking chaotic shit.

It's okay to feel shitty. The only reason I'm here is my parents made me. They gotta need somebody, and it's responsible. It doesn't matter how I feel about it, it doesn't matter how I live. I just have to. I don't have to care bout anything else, but if I did and broke myself into pieces, ha, I'm just too dumb, then. It's okay screwing things up. I just have to be a good daughter. Nothing else.

I think my bed lamp is making me sentimental. No, probably everything in my room. I'm so tired of sitting here staring at them. Thinking about stuff, frustrating to death. I wanna make myself so so tired that I forget all drama.

I just want a life with no drama. Is that so hard? Why it feels like I always did everything so so wrongly?

I'm terrible at stuff. I can do 0.1% of everything, that makes me good at nothing. One thing I do best would be failing.

I gave up three damn classes to be with a guy that left me the way I am rn. Still continuing two instruments, without any achievements. I had years of badminton training, passion, but still, zero achievement. I'm wasting money, wasting time, wasting effort. And still, at the end there's just nothing. Studies? Come on. My results dropping harder than anything. Wood have every right to mock me and assume that I'm not gonna ace anything. He's so right that makes me mad. And people? I can never be with people. I can never believe in people. I live too much in the past, I'm gonna make sure it's safe. Even with this fucking careful method, I still screwed up.

How else I have to live? Maybe in this room, without connection. Yeah away from people. Without badminton. That would be fucking best. Save money, time, effort, shits. Save the drama. I'm so exhausted. I hate this. I staring at the ceiling, I hate not being able to sleep because of fucked up shits. I hate myself for existing. is there anything I can do to make it all stop?

Maybe I'm going crazy, I need to get my head checked. Maybe I need to get back to studies and yeah be like that fucked up antisocial kid. I just gotta ignore everyone everything. The only key to happiness is fucking get used to emptiness and never never NEVER EVER let anything in.

Just gotta get numb. Or maybe let everyone in and out as they please? Get fucking immune to people's bullshit. Stop pushing everyone away and be fucking nice to everyone?

This doesn't make any sense at all.

.

Why do I never learn? Let someone in and something bad will happen from the inside. Not gonna write about what shit happened. I wanna spam myself but fb is filled with bullshits.

I wish yip man is awake. Sincerely. Sad thing all food friends and all my psychs are probably asleep.

Life is so tiring. I thought I'm gonna stop letting people in and love badminton forever. Sometimes, loving badminton makes me let people in, and made me hate badminton.

Look at all the people I loved. I know them all through badminton. It'd save me so so much trouble if I didn't start this sport. If I still am that girl who doesn't sweat at all. That little shit. Look what trouble I've brought myself. I can never love badminton. I need to know people to play. But I don't wanna know people.

Push them all away. Kick them all out of my life, and they'd hate me. I don't mind that. What if I miss out one or two? We get close, someone gets hurt.

My bad for letting you in. My bad, for being worried of shits I've caused. I never learn. All these shits told me I shouldn't play this much anymore. Stop badminton and stop all the drama. If life can't be happy at all without badminton, then that's how life is supposed to be. Shut everyone out and stop risking.

Promises are never promises. I will never ever believe in promises. I think I gotta go a day out with drama queen.

Don't get upset, cuz when you feel happy today, you're gonna suffer tomorrow. Just fucking remember, when it hurts again, you repeated your stupid ass mistake. So just stop all this bullcrap.

People don't make any sense at all. Being comfortable is just what kills you. You feel fucking awesome? Because whatever you're doing wants you to feel that way.

No matter what happened, no matter how bad you're trying to believe again, you're just one more step to hell. You're just back in the trap. Everything's gonna repeat itself. One day you stop caring, and someone's gonna try to make you feel happy. Then destroy you. Leave. Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Only the day you stop caring, you stop feeling sad. I just gotta stop giving shit. Didn't I knew? I've had this website all my life. NOTHING lasts forever. Nothing even lasts more than two years. Just fucking stop expecting miracles because they don't exist.

I'm so sick of myself.

Last fucking time. If someone tries to be nice, tell them to fuck off. Silent your phone forever because no one's worthy. Love yourself as much as you can because it's how.

2nd day Masiswa

8am.
So exhausted. I feel dumb for waking this early. But the transportation would be more convenient this way. I'm gonna follow my sister to the mall, then meet up with legend after they drop her. Tbh I'm afraid of getting late when it comes to meeting up with people. Arriving early is safer. Probably gonna fall asleep in the shop. I should've slept earlier last night omfg. I actually still feel a little sad to be forced to give up on women's doubles. Supposingly it's gonna be fun. Yesterday I went there but I didn't exactly wasted time. Time well spent, even tho I saw how scarily good the girls play... Idk, it just released the tension, and I got excited to play. Turned out there wasn't much to play. Haaaizzzz.

So legend and I went together by the van. I actually slept. Not a satisfying nap. We got there too early and kinda joined the rest of them at mamak. And guess what, these crazy ass people are just so good at gossiping. They teased legend bout a girl idk who, then my partner mj about his little mistske when he made himself sound gay, then me abt moon. Ughh. Can't guys and girls have pure friendship?

I saw pax the moment I put down my bag and scanned the court. He saw me too. Even tho he's from Taylor's, he still did gave his professional advices. Damn he was so good. Idol. I watched him during semis. The opponent was good too, but. There's an obvious difference. Sometimes you give one short stare and you'd know who's gonna win. Yeah he's just that good. I don't feel like a traitor at all, congratulating him.

Moon came after these crazy asses told him to. They freaking liars. But I didn't stop him because he wants to come anyway. Issh they made it a little awkward. I kicked voon! Gladly. Damn face problem.

5pm
It ended pretty fast. I honestly hope someone took a video of it, so I can aim my weakest parts. Almost all of us lost, including my partner and I, duh.

I think I was too ready for this, but I never looked at the schedule properly. So our names were called. We went. I saw their blue matching shirts. "Taylor's". I know what that means. It means we're losing. Duh. It didn't went well. We were lucky at the start cuz my damn nettings didn't fail me, but after awhile, it did. It just took such a short time to lose a game. But I couldn't recall it very nicely cuz I probably freaked out. Haih. I gotta improve.

I'm so tired. I'd collapse in bed right away rn if I didn't have plans tonight. I wish wood can reply me rn so I know when to get prepared, and maybe sleep before that. `&$*#(#(#

Even tho wood never broke movie promises before. (Wait, actually he did, just once) I almost made myself think he'd call it off last minute. Yup it happened. When you overthink, you have the power to make it happen. Such an ass. I wanna give him my strongest punch I can ever pull out. I FORGIVE HIM. But still, asshole.

I spent the night with my bed, it's the best night ever if I didn't get woken up by my sister.

He's a great guy, they say.
He'll never do whatever your ex did, they say.
Everyone sided him and tried persuading me to be with him. What the hell. Psychos. I really hope we're not gonna involve any of these stuff. If being friends made everything just well, why do they always ruin it with a confession then shits? Why?? Before shits happen I'm just gonna pray it wouldn't happen. Like please.

Break ups are so scary they can tore anything apart. At the end both sides lose a potential best friend. It's just so stupid. Just a moment of fairytale thinking costs this much pain.

And this is what the crazy peeps don't understand.

BBQ

I gotta type. Ahaha.

It's been so long since the last time I drove my mom's car. It's dark. It's night. I fucking drove. It's scary that my neighbor's vios was just parking right opposite. With dad's car obstructing my exit, I spent quite some time trying to reverse that small ass out. Still nervous and pekcek. No cars scratched. Everything ok. I was blur about the location, but we got there. Then I was nervous just knowing how awkward it would be.

He didn't exactly invited me crazily, but he sounded like he'd be so happy if I go, so I went.

I remember there was once, mom invited us, the whole family to join her and her friends in this marathon. We attended. My sister was freaking unhappy the whole time. I actually asked her to accompany me, so she did. I kinda thought it's my responsibility to keep her happy. After awhile, I realized my sister was pissed because mom neglected us and spent more time with her friends.

I came to be supportive for Moon's event, even tho I know he's the busiest there. Ohgosh. Yes it was awkward. That's probably the main reason I sweat so much on the way. I was nervous. I knew I was gonna be in a crowd and stand there like a mute. Honestly it's scary. I'm gonna admit how uncomfortable it is being alone in a crowd. I'm typing this, at this hour, currently sitting on a swing. Swings are awesome. Chilling alone is awesome too, sad thing I left my earphones somewhere far away. But I'm alone enough to play music here. Finally stopped sweating, and I'm actually cold! Lol. Such rare thing to feel in a field.

Go on and conduct your event, I'm going to be ok here. I'm gonna believe that you probably forgotten that I came. It's actually better since you're the kind of person that'd feel guilty leaving me alone. I came to help. So please, at the end of the day, you don't need to apologize. Thank you will do. :3 It's what friends do. I'll just take the time to relax.

2am.
It wasn't so bad, I think. When it ended, I thought Idk how to help out, and I tried making use of my OCD. Moving stuff is so much easier. At least I know I'm not going to become troublesome there, and I was surely helpful. Some habit of mine insisting one way trips no matter how heavy the groceries are. He was kinda busy. I'm just gonna pull out my phone whenever it's awkward. Uhh. It was alot of stuff. I have no idea how to start.

After the moving, they did the sorting while I waited with a guy in the car. So we had a short conversation. Such a talkative person.

I came here to help, because of some sad faces, and because he always helped me.
He's too kind that he's gonna help everyone but neglect himself. We all are so busy, I'm worried abt my project and I'm worried abt his too.
I agree on that so badly. That's why I came.

That's a nice friend. To think of it, I actually have friends like that too. Shell and stomata actually gasped and told me pls don't go for badminton for the sake of AS results. Aw. Fully appreciated rn.

The last task was the washing. I think it's ok. Usually I'd drag and drag. I know I still gotta finish the job at the end of the day, but I'm just so fucking lazy. Sorry. I'm born this way. We ate a little of the left overs then started it.

I had strong urge to splash you. No kidding.

Idk whether I was helpful enough or not. I wish I was, however. I'll always be ready to help as long as I have the ability to. It's better than sitting there imagining how tired you are and feel useless af.

:D It's good that you enjoyed it. Sometimes, the organizers don't get to enjoy. During the freaking birthday, stressing out because of sudden changes in plans just because of insufficient communication between the organizers. Gosh that was a disaster. Anyways just good for you.

1st day Masiswa

Today was the first day of the competition. I was supposed to participate women's doubles with a girl that I've never even tried partnering with. Then the schedule changed, I went but didn't play. Tbh or course I did played. Badminton is love. I couldn't resist free courts, you know.

Before that, Moon insisted the breakfast. He's nice. I can't say no to pure supportive friends like that right? I hope he's not regret. Getting up so early actually wasnt worthy, he gave up sleep, just to show support. I received that very fully, and I appreciate it.

I watched my war mates lost. But I'm glad they faced it really well. Sukma girl was sick. I mean sick. Badass and awesome af. I swear she's my idol. We have this stuff in common: loves hurting voon. It the jokingly way. My partner, Perak state player, she was pretty quiet at first. But then we still communicated well. There's no winning yet, but Grabcar was filled with laughter as we returned.

I just woke up from the cold. So tired, no idea why. Then receiving sad faces. I want to run over there and see what I can do. With my eyes half forcing itself shut back, I literally imagined myself cycling there. It's kinda hard when you want to help but you found out that you only can sit there and do nothing.

I thought about him. When he was in pain, in the hospital, and I'm just here, so far away wanting to rush over so bad.

I'm sure he'll do well. The best thing I can do is showing up right? I mean.... what else?

I wish I can be helpful.

Yeah I should just show up.

Ice

Some stuff happened last night. Everytime wood appears in my notification, something happens.

He asked me out, then said some crazy things. Then I changed a topic. Are you mad? Having exams? Definitely the reason you're acting crazy again. I tried to make him leave but it didn't work. For a year I managed to make him leave without trying, but I failed when I want to?? What the hell. I made a shaky decision. Then we had a short chat. Turned out he was concerned. Like an old friend, we kinda teased each other. He was different. It's been a year since he hasn't been being himself when talking to me.

If there is any chance to maintain this friendship, I will go for it. Relationship, nah. I'm so awake, and he knew that, that's why he felt there's no need to be an ass anymore. Suddenly we were just badminton buddies, cussing each other with lame humour.

People who care are gonna pour a bucket of ice on my head and wake me up. I remember receiving those from yip man too, long time ago. It wasn't so great. (I thought I wouldn't tell you anything anymore but then I love you too much hahaha don't be too happy bij)

I've received that from moon. A big pail of ice water, so cold. Shrivelling, I wondered, should I take back my decision? I probably should. My mind was telling yes and no at the same time. It did scared me real bad. I felt like I've let him down. I probably did. Since I already had no hope in being friends with wood, why did I risk another friendship? Wood wasn't worth it. Have to just reject like a boss and be mean to him forever. But how can I ever do that?

I stared at the phone blankly for few minutes, voices all around in my head. Fuck the voices. It's my fault I made shit end badly. I always made things end like this. I hate myself so much for being like this. I was certain I hoped I didn't exist. Frustration. 

It's good that fb had tonnes of good vibes at that hour. Scrolling fast, sharing fast. It was good that it made me giggled abit. And cringe too, cuz of the evil sad quotes that appeared. I anxiously wanted to perfect both sides, but didn't know how.

Saying yes seemed to bother him more than anything, cuz hey I agreed hanging out with someone who made me this negative. I agreed going out with someone who made me wanted to die. I wasn't surprised with that that huge pail of ice. I was so prepared for it. The thing that did surprised me was what happened at the end of the day. When he came back for me so calmly, with a warm towel, pulling me away from that cold ass puddle, telling me to go for it, that he'd be there whenever I need him. I didn't know what to say. The cold wouldn't make me cry, I've been through too much cold stuff that I'm already immune to those chills. The warmth would, the warmth always would. It was lucky we only texted each other, so you couldn't see my face. Thank you for all that warmth you gave all along.

I'm so out of words. You just gonna make me touched to death whenever I thought you'd just walk away and disappear from my life. And for that, I feel dumber than ever for trying to make you leave at the beginning. I thought you would get tired of my bullshit and leave. But I'm thankful you didn't.

No words. I'm just so sorry.
I will never ever push you away anymore.

Don't apologize for the ice, cuz you're the best that's happening to my life right now. Sincerely.

Fantastic beasts

It's very unlikely rare cases happen after we actually have that thought for a moment. Yip man and I had a talk about this, relationship stuff. Not just the bf gf relationship, friendship too. Uhm. It's pretty much the same, right?

Wood scared me a couple times. Big shock. Everything was way different from before. He used to be the one making me shut up while I leave and get sad mad. Today, he appeared. I tried shooing him really meanly, then I noticed he actually... Saw my status and was concerned. He cared. It was so unusual. And that's when I stop being so mean, and we talked like old friends. It's like... My closest cousin and I. The best kind of argument. It was actually fun, he was funny, he teased me, and I teased him back. It felt ok.

Do you think I'm over you? My heart raced still.
*-.-* probably, probably not?
What a reply.

I think this friendship hasn't end yet. He didn't avoid me like he used to. Odd. And I have a feeling that's because he noticed how I stopped wanting to fix the relationship. As long as I stop, we're still crazy friends.

I feel bad. I said yes without doubt, without any hesitation. We're badminton buddies. That's all, and I would like to really treat him as one and see if I could make it. I want to stare him in the eyes and say, I don't love you anymore. I want to have him right next to me and not have the urge to lean towards him.

Moon asked me first but I said yes right away to wood. What was I thinking? I have no clue. I hate myself for doing it. But I couldn't say no.

What I couldn't believe was.. Moon was worried. He was worried because of what wood did that made me afraid of having faith. I'm very extremely sorry for this.

Thanks

Life is actually really nice to me. It allowed me to had crushes that never even embarrassed me. (Yes I'm freaking proud of my taste in guys) It allowed me to had my very first love as a really really great one. It gave me a few besties that aren't temporary at all. It gave me a really flexible family, that they allowed me to do stuff that people on my age couldn't even(crazy curfews). It gave me so many things. Instead of trying to not be happy, I should just appreciate it so so badly and return it a big smile. I'm really happy these days. I never knew, holidays can be so... exciting, just because of one guy.

I'm sure it was because we're both badminton addicts. Maybe it's that hard to find badminton addicts in this area. So when I found one, I never wanna let go. It's kinda rare to see such positivity in one person rn. Well, you spread positivity, I guess.

Losing faith in people can be passed down. Idk what pushing you away would do to you, but that's so not gonna happen. I've had terrible things passed down to me, by people I care lot. I, too had passed them to people around me, that cares bout me. Not gonna happen anymore. Shit ends here. Wounds gotta heal, and there's nothing I can do to prevent injuries. Being paranoid just isn't how it works. I'm just limiting myself in this small box.


It's been a long time since I stare at the ceiling and smile, instead of getting really depressed.

I have no idea what you've seen in me that makes you think I'm worthy, but I'm really thankful for that. I wish I'll never ruin it with my stupid assumptions and insecurities shit. Gonna appreciate while it lasts, until it ends. I wish you don't run away after fully knowing me, cuz I might not be whatever you imagined me to be. 

.

Overthinking kills. I know that so well, hah. How wood's overthinking hurt both of us, how my overthinking hurt both of us. Too many 'What if's. What if this happens next?

What if I fell and someone skates across my fingers? Would that make me not wanna skate? I guess worrying would just worsen the present and the future situation. 

Today was a great day, which means tomorrow I will suffer. 

Not letting myself being too happy. Happiness is an addiction. It's so easy to get happy and get used to it. When you think you lose the source, you get depressed for such a long time. And when you got over it, another source appears out of nowhere. 

Everything is temporary. Might as well live with that. Temporary happiness, temporary people. Promises are never real. It's just a temporary promise. I swear I will blahblahblah. 

They'll just remember that for five minutes. 

I rather get surprises randomly, random little things can make me happy. The best thing about that is I wouldn't expect any. Finding a long lost pen. Suddenly chatting with close friends for just half and hour. Buying a hot pastry with my sister. Every unplanned stuff can be enough. 

It's already enough, and I don't want more of it. I don't want promises, I don't want to invest feelings on something that can be gone in just one sec. Cuz life is cruel, it takes everything away when you believe it so much. 

Insecurities are important, to save you from terrible injuries. It lessens the impact each time. 

Forget everything each day. Please yh, don't believe, don't look at how awesome it is. The greater it seems, the more terribly it'll make you suffer. But how am I gonna forget? It's like forgetting the taste of pizza. So impossible. 

Trust issues

I have so many things that I didn't allow myself to do anymore. That includes having new extremely close friends. Funny how everyone didn't believe me when I told them that I'm gonna live alone and maybe with pets forever. It's gonna be the best decision of everything.

I remember wood used to have trust issues. After being with me, will it improve even slightly? They left him, it's alright to be insecured. Maybe he can trust his next girl more. Maybe that's the best I can do for him, since it's his turn to dump a loyal idiot. His next girl will suffer less of that insecure negativity from him.

I know that stress can be passed on from one to another. Big ass chain. Him to me, to drama queen, to the whole gang. It was my fault I passed it to drama queen. Well, she is a drama queen anyway, I should've just kept the shits to myself. I tried fixing it anyway, I think I left a scar over there. She seems always careful with me. I regret it all the time, for what I did.

Now, I know that trust issues can be passed on too. I remember losing a small group of friends, five years ago. That's the time I stopped trusting groups. There still are groups. 38 gang is one, but we're not exactly that close. The college gang is one, but I don't even think I'm that close to anyone in college. We may look close, but it's just how it looks. A very pretty surface.

I have serious trust issues that made me.. not even try to be close with the college mates. I'm close with them when in college, cuz it's such a normal thing. It's impossible that I shut myself out from people right? They only see my face, but not how I feel about stuff, not when I had stupid breakdowns. I never told them stuff. I only told blog, and only sometimes, yip man. (YES YIP MAN YOU'RE LIKE MY FIRST PRIORITY) Now, moon too.

Even tho I hate myself so much for letting him in, even tho I want to push him away. Sometimes I'd think that friendship between yip man and I might end too. Needless to say about any other friendships.

If one day I lost yip man too, I think that would hurt as bad as the break up.

So hey Moon, it's not your fault I have trust issues. It's not your fault if one day I push you away. Even tho I really wish that won't ever happen. But if one day it did, you gotta know. It's for our own good. You have a bunch of lovely friends that's most probably gonna be with you for the rest of your life, you'll be ok before you even realize. But I only have like.. a few of you. I'm not even sure who I have rn . It might hurt a while for you, just awhile. It'll be so terrible for me too.

I did one wrong move, which is, I didn't push you away before all this.

I am seriously scared of betrayal shits.
It hurts so so much.

Imagining all this leaving and stuff literally makes me tear up.

Hah stop being so negative yh. Stop.

I will try my very best to trust you.
But you gotta know, those voices will never give up asking me to get rid of you.

I'm so so sorry for having this much doubts.

One of the reasons I blog: I get to write all shits down and get emotional, cry all I want, so I feel better when I get out to face people.

.

I just saw wood's fb post. A photo of an award he just gotten. Caption sounds really happy. I'm happy for him. First thing I said to myself was "Can I love?' I remember reading this from somewhere, at the end, the only way you keep in touch is by fb reactions. True.

He's always so far away. Even when he has returned home, even when he's just right in front of me, just a step away. Distance aren't always defined by the physical distance.

I just disabled his customized notifications. It still slightly saddens me, but I'm able to do it.
Guess what? He's no special than anyone else anymore. Silent notifications, not even 'Close friends' in fb. Who's cutting onions?


I'm perfectly fine without him. If by any chance he reads this, wood, you succeeded to make me go. I might not even cry if you remove me from fb. It makes no difference. Facts are, you decided to end any shit in between us, and I grant you. Relationshit, friendshit, I grant it all. I'm no longer addicted to the possibility of 'us'.

Years later when I look back, I'm gonna thank you for being an ass to me for a while. Cuz it did helped. And when you look back, I wish you realize that you've lost someone that truly cares bout you, and would do anything for you no matter what.

One day, I'm gonna be okay to turn on the sounds, my heart will be damn fine receiving notifications from anyone, anyone but you. It'll be the other way round. I wouldn't want to receive from you anymore. My heart is whole when I'm alone. And I'd look at you, thinking, this is the guy that made me want to end life so bad, and stop having faith in people.

I would gladly NOT fix the hardisk anymore because some memories are better not flipped through. If life wants me to lose all those photos, alright then. The photos won't mean anything to me in the future anyway. I can't even believe it's possible for someone to cry over a broken hardisk because of the photos of someone. Fucking dumbass.

.

I am completely doomed. Same concerns as the few previous posts. Today, so randomly, sukma girl invited people for badminton. Moon joined, so  he'd fetch me. It bothers me how fucking worried I got when he spent half an hour to get to my place. I never spent so much time on the road for that distance. So my stomach started going crazy, I was aware of each vehicle passing by.

That manual car was scary. Did anything bad happened? No way the jam could take so much time. Maybe he scratched someone's car and the owner was fussing? Is it possible if he hit something? Oh please don't let these shits happen today. It's my fault cuz I suggested we join.

Then the loud manual car appeared. My stomach stopped acting crazy, we were very late, but no accidents no nothing.

I don't think I've ever worried dead other than when wood had dengue. It's just he's a great friend. Haih. A great friend that's treating me too great, and I'm worried.

.

As I say yes, and yes, I started to worry more. What is this. He's too nice. Like really too fucking nice. I cannot accept that, I shouldn't.

Even tho sometimes I tell myself, I used to think he was the best. But there are great guys out there too.

Then came another voice: the ones that look nice will end up being jerks. Don't fall for their trap. The scariest camouflage is being nice.

I'm actually scared. Yeah I better be.

Some people will be gentleman. Very. Overly.
Well it's just manners. If it's not, I better start being mean. But how can I ever be mean to this guy?

Please, man. We're great badminton buddies right? I appreciate everything. But please, treat me like sydney. Haih it's frustrating.

This guy

You know,, those kissy emojis.... I used to use the one with the heart, while wood used to use the one without a heart. Other than that, only my very amazingly psych friends would use it.

What if a boy uses it?

I fucking cringe every time he did. It's been wrong. Everything's so wrong. If you're close with a badminton buddy, and he brings you out to all his badminton groups, and you guys have a great time together because you both are badminton addicts.

What if he falls for you?
Being chatty is okay. Then caring a lot is okay. When he knows bout your weakest spot, and tries to make you better, is that okay? Is that too much?

Hey read this book. It's written by an author that I like alot. Maybe it can help.

Boundless compliments and encouragements are okay, but... constant questions about what are you doing, is that okay?

It's like a habit talking to you now.
Well don't fall for me okay?
Who knows, in the future
Please don't, I like it this way.

Really. Even if now you start to appear in my dreams, I sincerely think that you'd be a fucking awesome friend.

I finally had the guts to do something about the emojis.
*Kissy emojis*
Hey. Please don't use that emoji, I'm veryyy uncomfortable with it *inserts laugh emojis*
Okay

You're definitely a great friend.

That book didn't help getting over my ex. I partially got over him before you borrowed it to me.
I knew it long before he broke up with me. I knew our relationship was killing both of us.
I just didn't want to accept it. I've accepted it now.
I just think of him sometimes, slightly depressed sometimes.

The book made me questioned myself, should I risk my heart and try to believe again?

Someone said that "Love, not time, heals all wounds."
Then maybe I would live with that wound forever.
Would you give your very best to someone, when you're certained that it wouldn't last?
All that effort unappreciated, yet bashed into nothing. Isn't it better if it all didn't happen ?

Sometimes when I think of how I've friendzoned some people who tried to be chatty...
Wouldn't it hurt the same if I lost a friend like this? How quiet my life would be without him.

So it's your habit talking to me now? It's a habit to me too, you know? Even tho I didn't customize your notification, I checked my phone quite often because of you. Feel free to be honored. I made my phone quiet, because I break a little each time having notifications that wasn't from him. I wasn't mean to you at all, because I didn't wanna get rid of you in my life. I picked my words even when you've typed something I felt uncomfortable with, because you're starting to appear somewhere in my list. Priority list.

Friends
U
Can
Keep.  (notice the initials)

Hehh. You're one of them. Wood used to be one too, but we accidentally fell for each other, and it ruined everything.

Suddenly I'm worried.

People come and go. Do you? 

.

I'm just gonna talk about today. It's an awesome day. 

I woke up sad, I forgot why. I just remember wood was in it, and I went back to sleep, to forget that dream. Obviously without me flashing back hard, I couldn't remember it. And it's a damn good thing. Well I wish the past two years are like that. 

Moon asked me out for lunch and I said yes. I have no idea why, because he said let's spin pokestops. Ok I'm running out of pokeballs. Did I said yes to a guy just to spin pokestops? Yeah I did. What the hell. So out of my mind. Anyways he showed me a gym battle. It's so hard, actually. After that we parted to do our stuff. I went to the staff room to do some sorting. Miss F saw me! And I was breaking the rules like crazy, slippers and shorts, suprised she didn't lecture me for that. Frozen to death, next stop: library. Luckily I still kept orange's ID and password, I kinda used her account to do some work. College forces everyone to create one of those then only we're allowed to use the computers. Troublesome. I planned to go to college an hour early to do all those stuff, but used twice that time. Wow. And still not completely done. Lucky moon brought me to college early? 

Badminton was terrible at first. Well, as usual. I suck. Sukma girl partnered legend, versus me and moon. Moon was good, but legend and sukma girl! That's like the strongest team. If we can beat them, we can win. Hell no. Legend and sukma girl can just drag my tiny ass confidence down to hell and bury it there. I can't play. Legend wasn't even putting any effort. It's like a freaking chicken trying to kill a T-rex. What? 

Moon left early, I tried to train myself. There are ways. Heh. Sun (used to call him sheep but.. sun is more suitable) was an awesome companion. His adorable screams. Damn I just can't. We just stroked, intensively and it was exciting, tiring to death. I guess today I played with him the most. It was awesome defense training. He serves, I smash, he defenses, I lift, he smashes. The cycle goes on and on. We both get to practice killing and defensing at the same time! That was hell exciting. I think we're kinda okay cuz sometimes I actually can kill him, and he could kill me too. Legend was training the other guy, Damn he looked so bored. XD Sun brightened up everything I guess. Talking to someone really could make everything better. Plus sun was cute, the attitude kind of cute. His name suites him. Those laughs can be everyone's sunshine. Happy thing was he said my defenses improved, and he said nah playing with me wouldn't be bored. 

So you got betrayed and that's why you were so negative about relationships? 

*smiles*

I think my defenses improved because guys used to not smash me like this, they think it's bully to girls.

Good thing we don't see you as a girl here, *laughs innocently* :3 Damn I like that laugh. 

I kinda snapped a few peeps how shitty playing like a newbie felt. Then I received an audio, an encouraging audio. Moon kinda gave the kind of pep talk I always needed wood to give. Sincerely, thanks man. 

Remember to bring back your phone, and charger, it's at the plug. And don't feel so down, it's a progress, etc, etc. 

Haha thanks, but if I forgotten my phone, I wouldn't have heard this audio. :3 

Wood actually texted me today. I change my WA status a little often, because sometimes wood replies to them. He replied to me today. A long time ago, he said he reads it when he misses me. Is it still the same situation? Should I give zero fucks or overthink and get happy then get sad again? Zero fucks will do. 

Hey YH where are you going? 

To change. 

Let me accompany you, it's so dark. 

I'm okay with the dark, I believe in ghosts but I don't think they're after me

It's okay 

*I opened a door to legend hugging onto my racket bag adorably* :)

What are you eating? *moon emoji*

Grandma's cooking!

Can I try? 

Of course. 

And at the end, another guy is gonna try out my grandma's cooking before wood does. 

Some people be like 'I love you', the next day 'I don't think this is working'

And nothing else make sense at all. 

Life is filled with nice people. 

Whenever you feel terrible, think of those stuff. People with cute laughs, great training buddies, caring people. Whatever shit stuff, it's over. Don't go back to the person that broke you. And there's no point wanting what could have happened. He left, and that's no reason for me to not live an interesting life. 

One year, I'm done. Even if I'm back to the apartment, the skating rink, even if I'm back to wherever we've been to, that's just a dream that makes no sense at all. I'm done. So, so done. 

Luck

Yesterday my phone notified me. I jumped, cuz it's usually completely silent even if someone talked to me. It was wood telling me to be careful and stuff cuz his laptop got stolen, and my photos etc are in there.

Of course he didn't phrase all that in a descent way. It's almost disgusting to read. I have no idea how I bear with all that. Anyways. I sent a few long messages to him, which will never reach him. It's slightly complicated heh. The easy way to describe would be like whatsapping someone who has already uninstalled whatsapp. Yep the message just stays there. But it's slightly different in this case, cuz for whatsapp the message won't ever reach. But I sent him in a way he still could see if he wants to. (that will never happen)

Yeah I've been texting him there. Of course, no replies. I told him that I have no idea how to feel. I feel sorry for his stolen laptop. I feel slightly happy that my photos are still in there. Then thought about whether he has important long assignments unbacked up. And I feel unfair that why all these badluck only happened on him. Then I made a wish. I wished that we switch luck. I'll just openly take all that badluck, and give him all the luck I get.

So it came true?

Fine I admit I'm scared of hitting things. So aunt and I decided to walk out for lunch after discussing bout the pros. And then? It rained. VERY heavily. I don't give a damn anymore, so aunt used the umbrella and I just walked under the rain. Probably for few kilometers. It wasn't so bad until my slippers decided to die and not let me walk anymore. I've to fix it every three steps under the fking rain. And there were fucking cars. In the middle of the damn road, a fucktard fixing her slippers. I must've looked super dumb.

So I'm gonna believe that life decided to grant one of my wishes. So please stop popping out of my phone trying to make me sad, cuz from now on you're gonna live fine. And you'll never think of me when life is fine. True? Ok bye.

Serious shit, bye. Wood just disappear from my life.

At leadt my lunch was fucking delicious.

.

Since I stopped writing diary, I gotta make sure I write everything down here. OK my blog is my brief diary. Yay.

After AS trip
So many things happened. AS is finally over last Wednesday. Bio was ok, but not as easy as SPM paper 1. Let's just let go of the past. YAY It's over! So that day, we went to ecurve. I was with that bunch of hyped psychs. Stomata, shell, class rep and his bf, actually joker too, he joined half of our trip. First, movie ticket. I was sad. Uhm the only year I had a valentine, he brought me there. And I could see us, there. The apartment. Kingsman. Mcd ice cream. How could I not be sad? Pokemon go to the rescue. I caught so many, so many I forgot to look at the places and reminisce and be sad. It's like too many. Then to the skating rink. It's the first time I went skating at ecurve. RM25, definitely cheaper than Sunway? Awesome enough. It's so much smaller than Sunway's but it's okay. I met a few librarian juniors there too. Two cuties. Gosh I only remembered one's name. Then a guy from their group waved(I have no clue who that was). The rink was awesome. Everything was awesome. And I was sad again. Him and I skated last last year's Christmas eve. I just can't. Joker left after lunch, then we went for Dr Strange. Very comedic. Ahh I love the two psychs. Class rep and his bf are slightly ugh. They are a weirrd gay couple. I guess they match. It's so lol hanging out with a gay couple. Not too baad.

I had catch ups with lychee, and yip man. Lychee said her life is like so... normal, nothing special. I think she feels bored. While I'm excited everyday. Yip man's has lots of dramas. I actually thought I stopped all dramas happening, but actually no. There are still some dramas, inevitable. I think half blood prince has decided to end our fragile little friendship. Purely because I was tooo mean to him. I actually don't give too much shit. He blocked me because I coldly rejected his hangout request. Bleh. I'm gonna say, I'm just a person. I have my rights to say no, even if it's just a 'No', because I can, and nobody have the fking rights to manipulate my life. Bleh. Some respect.

I'm going to have three weeks holiday, which is still fully busy for me. I'm playing badminton five times a week. I sworn to guitar teacher that I'm gonna memorize all exam pieces by next class. I'm excited to practice violin because I just love violin. :D I had scheduled myself to self study chem and bio (mainly bio) for next sem. Time is just not enough at all!!! Gosh.

Today's badminton 
was awesome. We trained ourselves for the Masiswa competition. I have no hope in that, but I want to improve anyways. It's awesome. I like legend. Not the relationship type of like, just like. He's too cute. He has the super nerdy innocent cute, but he's actually veryyy attractive when he plays badminton very seriously. Like when they let out shouts during the game. It's really cool to me. Moon came too, just for fun. Ok the dramas are in this club, ginger was boycotted. They didn't openly say "Hey TJ we all hate you" but they weren't nice. I know, I wasn't nice too, but.. hey that's different story. I still tried to be nice. Now I really pity him af. The reason they boycott him was stupid af. Unfair. So he left the club. When you know there are people talking shits behind your back, you leave. Right? Great choice. He'd feel better leaving it. Not kidding, great choice. The sad thing is I thought I lost this friend. His tone sounded like he thinks I'm one of them. Hell. Poor guy.

I'm your friend and please ignore them haters. People who try to bring you down are already below you. Just goddammit. I'm not involved in this drama but I'm seeing a friend in it. Such awful case.

Another one was Voon being crazy. He's always crazy but now he's seriously... ugh. He dived into a relationship for a week but he looked unhappy af. What kind of relationship is that? I'm sad for the girl, her first love, given to this idiot. Sorry not sorry. So sphere and I told him about our experiences and little advises. It's so lol. Cuz I sometimes made shits too negatively. Billion sheeps and sky blue T were there too laughing madly.
How long did your (voon) first relationshit lasted?
Sky blue T: One day lmao

Dammn sky blue T is damn cute. He's so not chatty and has a really chubby face :3 ok stahp. Sphere always teased him because he's not good at services. There was two times the got smashed in the body, sphere laughed too funnily legend gotta calm himself before he can make his service. Too cute. Sheep has a  really cute scream. Everytime he couldn't take some shots, he let out that scream. It's really worth the smash. He can scream and laugh very adorably. Gaah. Like when I let out opinions about relationshits, He laughed and be like 'She is tooo negative.' But yeah. I guess I don't trust that anymore. Voon, enjoy la your little relationship. Since it's already done, make it worth the move, dumbass.

Badminton second round!
with the late twenties. I'm too happy, we had matcha frappe before that. Pure perfect. Matcha is love. Badminton was great, I fell. It was embarrassing, but not too embarrassing. Everyone fall everywhere crazily, I fall once in a while, which is really rare. It was a net shot, right thigh couldn't do better. Today, I think I did well at taps. I used to be really scared of making mistakes there. I made a few, but mostly were success taps. Yay. I'm starting to enjoy mix doubles. Being in front of the net is NOT an easy thing. You get the pressure, you get to set the game. Good nets force opponents to lift. And when they lift, my partner can smash. My job is to set the game. Even better if I kill the opponent just by netting. I reduced lifting and start playing cross court and spinning nets. It's kinda fun. I like moon too, honestly. He's a super nice guy, caring. Idk if he has intentions, but I don't think so. We're just two badminton addicts that finally found each other. Cuz I would do anything to be free for badminton, just like him. I feel like there's a few people in life that will do anything to help you whenever in need. Moon is one of them. Joker too leh. :3 We're gonna be great friends, Let's hope this friendship lasts long.

Just let me move on and stop making wood my first priority. Make him nothing at all.

Life is good. I have not much to ask for, please stop giving me accidents, especially parking accidents. I just want to drive like a pro and stop scratching the car. Damn