.

我就是不會安慰人。

I was thinking about sleeping. Maybe because I'm sick or maybe because I'm just nervous for spm results. But then my sister came back and told me about the report. That shithead went to report too. But it's his fault. Such an Asshole I have nothing to say. But the report was successful.

Actually I'm fucking bothered by this state. I've been drinking so much! (Water) and sleeping so much, just fuck off!! Why can't I just study in peace without these stupid sneezes and ughss. fjslaksfd

I don't know what to say to let him feel better. bi remember being annoying when he wasn't well. But if it's someone you know? I'd say, go visit him/her if you're worried. Just go. But then. I really don't know whether that's what you need. Haizzzzz What role am I?

Car accident

What kind of fucktard!

I'm gonna pass my driving test, and not be that kind of shithead!

Guess what! I've been tru some amount of car accidents, mostly when in my sister's car. And this time, she's not doing anything wrong. There's this fuckhead cutting from the left lane to our lane, and wanting to turn right. What kind of driver doesn't know if you can't make it, don't force it! And he thinks it's her fault hitting his ass. Like wtf.

Plus there are witnesses. What fuck are you going to say? Oh it's her fault not expecting an ass to suddenly turn and want us to stop? Fucking perfect logic.

Go back to driving school, asshole.

"Go make sure the guards remember what happened."
"You think that ass isn't gonna pay them to shut their mouths?"

What kind of world is this.

Guards are meant to secure safety, no? And if they really take the money and fuck their jobs, fuck this world I'm gonna live in the forest.

Random

Every day. Usually nights. Sometimes mornings. I have this urge to tap into our conversation and say something. Everytime! 

But then I'm better at resisting it now.

And still I don't know what to imagine. A future without you, or a future with you returning?
Like a min ago, oh gosh I almost lost it.
I still can't handle it. The thought of thaaat. So Yeah let's just not think about it. Eventually time will kill me fast enough. So leave it. Damn, time.

Gosh these days I'm craving lots of food. But I wanna keep fit. And I have to, too. Eating outside that frequently are giving me sore throat.
It's been two weeks lmao.
Don't give me coughs. Please. Sore throat and runny nose shits are damn enough.

Thursday we're getting results.

I am very very ready to cry few days. Luckily violin cancelled. Maybe I'll meet up shortly with lychee, get the damn results, then run back to cry.
Let me get over this quick, and concentrate well on current studies.
Ohgosh ..
I wanna eat pizza.
_&#(@(@

I wanna say. Sorry to that 2015 me, that allowed myself to take the fucking exam in that fucking hell state. Sorry to that me, for giving people the power to make me like that. I'll try to not let that happen anymore.

Ohgosh give me pizza.

啄

今天手癢一不小心就看了《我的少女時代》。
是還有功課，至少是邊看邊吃，況且時間還早。
沒有大哭啦。只是很想念他。

很慶幸他不是流氓，不用擔心打架。
可是還是很希望 我們永遠不會說 “好久不見”。

加油吧。

Wood:)

I was hoping to see you today, but expecting extreme disappointment. Who knows, I saw your red car there. And then you. Still fucking miss you. :)

You must be very tired. I'm happy I see you okay today. Hehe. :)

You could've stayed in bed and get more rest. But I guess badminton is really really a big big part of your life. That's why you came, right?

Damn, I miss you.
Love to see that smile of yours. Picturing your smile makes me smile. And I'm like a fucking idiot blogging with a big smile.

Well.

I miss hugging you. Your brief hugs are nice. I'm moderately very satisfied, each week like this. But I swear I want a proper hug. I'll wait. Heh. Even if it's just one sec. I get to be that close with you each week, just for one sec. I'm already fucking lucky to have that. Fully appreciate.

Damn, I hope you be well, healthy and always working hard. <3 And I don't think I can ever stop thinking about you.

These days because of the stupid broken tech stuff, I'm constantly asking mom how to keep those stuff safe. Well. Remember to save them, at least one or two copies. Laptops are shits.

Our last conclusion,
We came to this world without anything. Maybe one day, we can't even remember what was in that hard disk. Maybe one day, the memories won't even mean anything at all.

But to me, they will mean everything to me, still. Always.

.

I want to find a funny video and tag him. I don't know what's happening there. Is it about the laptop? I know I can't help shit. And I'm finding stuff to show him. But then, tag? Discard.

I find it hard to do that. I'm scared of the outcome. What if he shoots me with his every single weapon? That's gonna hurt. I have some issues here too. I don't want that shit.

I found nice stuff to share. But discarded all. I just can't do it.

I'm definitely just a nothing, in his priority list. I can't help. I should just pretend that I don't care and move on.

I wish I can give him a damn big hug. He needs that release. I wish I know what's going on. I wish I have the rights to be concerned. I wish He still sees me. I wish he spammed me other than anyone else who cares.

Yeah I should fuck off. I know where I stand. There, that place you can never see, where I can never reach you.

12am. It's been half an hour more I'm trying to sleep. But I can't sleep. I was so fucking hell tired, but you're running in my mind. Even if you're not tired from that running, I'm exhausted. I wanna hibernate. I wanna care less, but this is what happens. It's fucking loud. I wanna sleep. Stop please. Like fucking please. Why tf haunt like that.

.

I miss you really much and I went in your blog. I read, And I wanna cry. My mind's arguing. Bullshit, all bullshit. You don't. You're saying that. And another week later, you give up. You don't deserve me, you fuck off. You hurt me. You almost made me die. You made me so fucking depressed. And still am. You destroyed me. And every time I write about you, I cannot keep my eyes dry. Fuck you for doing all that, and give up. Fuck you for not staying till the end. Fuck you for saying always and forever but didn't make it come true. Fuck you for making me can't do anything. Fuck you for loving me and stop.

Technical prob

Last week my laptop died, for the second time. Not as bad as the first time, cuz the datas are safe. But still. Since the first broke, what else do I have left? Absolutely nothing. I've lost trust over these things. So I'm gonna save many many copies.

Two days ago, our mpu class cancelled because the laptop and projector stuff wasn't working.
I told sam, "Laptops are useless stuff."
She laughed.

And then now you.

I honestly think there's a hacker out there destroying every single laptop.

But I wish you found another way to study.

Few days ago, I woke up at around four. And I saw your fb, one min ago. No doubt. You must be having exams. Sorry that I still asked even tho I found out already. I'll not expect you to show up this Saturday. :/

I hope you get some rest. Aaah. Stay safe. Be well. I miss you af. Ugh. Ok.

._.

Post training

I feel like a person who's been coma for years and just got up to walk for the first days. It was the calves. I reached there early and managed to run around the courts at the other side. I guess I didn't stretch enough after everything. Oh goshhh super regretful. So now it's muscle pain all over. Arms, thighs, calves, stomach. Lower back doesn't count. 

Get it done! !!! It's so hard to climb stairs. Ugh. Zzzzzzzz..

.

I'm upset. I'm sad. Without a reason. Break up can't be the reason anymore. It's too frequent. Do you understand me? It's been four months. That doesn't make anything better. That doesn't bring death back to life. Yeah. I'm not dying, how can it break when it's not even there. I can't let go of you. I'm upset for no reason all the time. I'm impatience. I don't wanna be with anyone who wants to know bout me. I don't wanna reply to any concerns. I can talk crap with you. But deep talks? No.

I'm tired of being mentally exhausted. I wanna be understood. I don't want my family to bug about it. I don't want them to know. What's the point telling people stuff if they can't help or can't understand!? I want you to understand me. But that will never happen.

I want to get back to normal. Being dead is scary. Hell isn't a nice place at all. I can't recognize myself at all. I don't used to be like this.

I want to be happy again, but I don't know how. Idk how to let go of that. I wanna stop crying in the middle of the night just because it's terrible to bear with.

I wanna stop having suicidal thoughts.
I wanna stop thinking things will never get better.
I wanna live. I wanna rub off my tears and never cry anymore for the rest of my life.
I wanna be tough and nothing can ever shake up that depression and stuff.

Something's telling me to let go but I don't want to. Issues like that shouldn't cause this. My words count. I gave you and I'm not taking back. There must have been some mistakes. I'll wait. Yeah. I'll wait.

.

I was trying to math. And it was weird. The formula for varience is total x minus mean square over frequency. But why in this question it gave total x minus mean square times frequency equals 8?? So I diveded the frequency, twice. But it's still not right.

So. I googled. But I don't know how to Google. So I got into my phone system emoji. There's no mean. Out of curiosity, I swiped along. To see if the new emojis are in there. The middle finger is not there.

And there I saw an emoji he would use, when he loved me.
I typed in the search box.
The last time he sent it was four months ago.

And my Stupid finger scrolled along.

So that's how I screw up a day.

I wamt to talk to him.

I miss us. I want us to be okay again.
I can't be the one playing around with these things. How can you not be serious when you dive into a relationship!? I can't be like a player. I can't just walk into others' lives for fun and then walk out as I like. I can't, not take it seriously.

I can't possibly move on.

I'm a fucking idiot, that would be better if I'm not interested in human like that. Then I'd be relationshipless and stay at the safe side forever.

Our best moments haunt me, everytime I stuck in things. Like just now I stuck in the question. I close my eyes and feel your adorable pecks on the face. I feel your smell, your voice.

You're the one I gave the power to,, to do anything. And your last decision is killing me even tho you're already gone.

After this, I will never ever give that power to anyone else. One thing I could be sure of,
I'm safe from betrayals.
But still dead.

Laptop broke

The most terrible decision I did, was accepting the laptop.

A disk error occurred. Press Ctrl Alt Del to restart.
Critical process died.

Oh okay. So
I used to be good at destroying earphones. Currently the one has survived until now. So now it's the phone and laptop and memories? Wtf is wrong with this shit!

Critical process died? I don't give a shit! All the best memories were wiped out from that stupid disk error. I have NOTHING inside that empty laptop. I just use it.

Do you think that shit has warranty?
Is it a hard disk problem again? It kept me up until this time because I thought I could get it back to normal! Perfect.

Just fucking perfect.

Like I'm really free!?

Why can't these things stop happening to me
Why they just kept popping these shits out and interrupt whatever I'm trying to do!?

He left me memories.
Hard disk killed 50% of them.
Now I'm using study to kill feelings.
And then the most convenient helper doesn't wanna work.

How about tomorrow, I kill myself
How about I give up trying to not be miserable
How about 

Just screw everything!!!

What tf is critical process died!!?

If life wants to kill every fucking laptop I have,
I want to kill life back.

Internet says it's a common thing.
I followed the procedure.
I waited, it loaded, it scanned, it ran.
So smoothly.
And it's not fixed.

Wtf do you want!? Bring it to the people again? I feel like a fucking idiot.

Critical process died is when you deleted an important system. I deleted no shit!
Fuck life. Fuck everything.

Fuck. my. life.

NaCl

My mom brought some fruits to me. As she was waiting for me to finish them, she was looking at the stuff on my table.
"What's this?"
"Glow in the dark."
"What's this?"
"A little glass jar containing salt."
"What's it for?"
"Freaking ulcer."

You know.. those that people give out little honey jars for the wedding. Or mini sticky jars, that rich candy.

Usually when I have an ulcer, I let it heal itself if it's not bothering me. And it usually recovers fast. This time, I have one. Wait, two. In a position I have to put air under my tongue like a stupid frog. Someone even thought I was acting cute *stares at yip man*.

And just now I'm like dissolving salt on it, one by one, seeing it disolve.

Now it's fucking numb hohooohohho please recover. I'm eating with mouth not so closed to avoid touching it. I'm looking like a crazy person doing faces and I'm sitting right in front of the lecturer for three hours of bio. So done!!

Lip's drying. Ohgosh if you dont recover I'm gonna put pinch of salt. Fuck you, ulcer. Fuck you.

Talking to myself

I find myself speaking to books, the questions. And any objects that kills my patience.

To homework, Hey are you serious? You want me to calculate that? Lunar school? Seriously?? Oh gosh why are you unfinishable. Dear math, I fucking hate you. Eh wait you're actually quite easy here. Stay easy.

To that random book, Oh gosh. Four hundred more pages. I wanna investigate you. But as you get interesting, my brain is just stuffed. But you're actually interesting. Damn, I'm gonna finish you. *excited* finally! Wait what, I don't understand.

Stupid laptop. You killed my photos, my audios, and now you just can't stop lagging. Fuck you. Just ugh. Ugh! *punches floor*(yes I used it on the floor)

Lmao I'm crazy. I'm definitely crazy.

.

It's always a little hard, dealing with that kind of tone. I'm always wondering, if you still want me, if you still have any hope in us. I'm always wondering if you really gave up. I always thought we're done for real, through the phone. But when meeting you, I always start to hope again.

When meeting you. You kept scolding me for smiling at you too much. Heh. But hey, I only can smile like that with you.

And everytime you volunteer to fetch me, the first thing I get in, will be stare at that thing.

When I saw it gone, I thought, we're done for real. I told myself, I've went through this, so don't be sad anymore. And I imagined being alone until I die, I imagined we being in different paths. And year by year, you and I, haih I can't even imagine. I was imagining life with no more you.

Sigh. Heh.

I wanna hug you so tight after you picked it up. Hope we try again.

I'll still wait.

It'll be ok.

初五

I'm trying not to be mean. My mom said I'm so mean to my cousin, and she's giving me stares. Finally, kinda end of cny. Finally, back to daily routine.

Just now at the dinner table, they talked bout how bad the economy is, how the performance dropped. It happened in my uncle's, my dad's, and some other companies as far as I know.

And I'm worried. They're saying like how hard it is to survive in this situation now. And my stomach's rolling, kept thinking, I have to study so hard and survive.

It's scary to know what people could do to people just for the sake of getting money. It's scary how dark these family business could get. It's scary how family businesses destroy relations.

From now on, I'm aiming to never affected by these things that I'm sad about.
And one more thing:
No more depressing shits in fb.

I'll study.

.

I remember there was once, my Japanese relatives came, for my cousin's wedding. He went to a trip with highschool friends. I was in a fucking terrible state, because I thought we were about to broke. I guess we both were in a terrible state. It must be hard, being with friends, but having conflicts tru phone, with me. Well. Guess we were both forced to smile. For the wedding, for the highschool mates gathering.

At night he asked, what do I want. I said I wanna be happy again. And he sent me a photo of himself. Heh that made me cry smiling. Heh. I lost that photo. Wish I still have it. Wish we're still fine. I wish I have all of them the skype photos, the audios. I swear, one day, when I can ear money by myself, I will pay to fix that stupid hard disk, and get our memories back. I will fucking do that. And cry to sleep listening to your voice.

I'm actually a little more nervous than expected. How am I supposed to react? I can ignore well if relatives ask. But if grandma there asks?
"Oh we're not together already. Don't expect me to be with anyone else in 60 years. "
Can I please answer like that? Like. Seriously.
Usually when my uncle asks, he doesn't ask "how's you and your bf?" He usually asks "how is he?" So I can answer that like nothing happened. And then easily get away with it.

Like nothing happened. And must smile.

Well now,,.... how? Ohgosh. Should I use earphones to block the questions? Or a book so no one would disturb? Damn, damn. I'm gonna crap. Crap some shits and quickly change topic. Okay.

Fuck everything. I'll do great. It'll be fine. We will be fine...

.

I miss him so much. I miss him so fucking much but I'm not gonna tell him anymore. I'm not gonna message him anymore. I'll just be here missing him all the time. I'll be here. I'll wait. And one day, he'd be with someone else. And I'll still miss him. Doubt he'd be reading anyway.

What kind of cny. I didn't get drunk. Didn't get to kill whatever's awake. Do you think I can get over this? Three months, four months, doesn't matter how many months. Once someone you love asked if you're willing to, and you say you do, then are you gonna give up? And he suddenly left, can you get over that? Dude, dude. No, I can't.

So stop saying I'm not accepting your help. Dude. You're like my mom. My mom can't help me. You can't help me. No one can. So I'm talking to you about college then just quit it, don't look at them if whatever I share seems depressing. They know me, you don't. They can't help, at least they understand.

Do you think I don't wanna get rid all of this shit? It's been a few days since I stop messaging him. Do you know how fucking hard that is? Someone who's in your top priority, and you're forced to throw away that position. And trying to pretend that he doesn't exist. No. I can't.

It's slightly bearable. But still aches like hell every fucking time I have to think of it. No. What am I supposed to do!? You tell me. How to pretend that him and I never existed? Next time when he's with another girl, how am I supposed to live like I don't care? How to fucking pretend that I don't care!?

Dude please. You know you can't help me. No one can. So just let it be. Just talk crap with me and pretend that nothing's wrong. It'll be okay as long as we talk un-depressed topics. It'll be okay as long as we don't talk about sad stuff. Maybe accompany me to karaoke and let me shout. Maybe one day, just whatever. For the fucking last time, no one can help me. And that's ok. I'll try my best not to attempt to die.

Fuck everything.

You have no idea how actively I drafted, stuff bout him. And this is just to tell you. As long as I'm surviving, I'm super fucking fine, and that's not too depressing, right? As long as I'm alive, I'm in the best form I can be. The end.

Cny eve.

Are you guys still together?
Nope. I'll stay single. Single is great, single forever.
Oh no you can. Just don't take it seriously.
Yeah. And that's how bitches are produced.

認真你就輸了。

Because when you took it seriously,
He'd break you into fragments.

I'm really scared of them asking me these questions.
It's fine, experience.

What was the reason? Another girl? Bored?
No, he's a great guy. He is.

He is an awesome person.

I have a headache.

I swear I didn't drink anything. I'm so sleepy. After the meal I just got sleepy.

This is stupid.

.

Seems like I can't archive you?

Crying my eyes of being determined to let go, and forcing myself to stop talking to you, I wanted to archive you for the rest of my life.

And then you volunteerily appeared on my chat list.

Are you trying to drive me crazy?
What are you doing? If you wanna leave, then stay gone. Don't come back as you like. I will archive you. I will just be as cold as you.

So stop fucking up my emotions. Let me live in peace, please. Don't give shit at all then.

Alevels Notes

Have you ever tried doing notes, making everything so easily understandable, and easy to revise, then some days, you just lose the determination, leaving your precious notes stopped at certain chapter?

I tried to do that for chem, last year. And yup and I stopped, because I should've started two years ago, not just last year. It was a little too late.

Anyways I'm doing it for pre u. Sometimes I think it's still so brief. And some are still lies. Example, it says there's two types of inhibitors. Competitive and non competitive. It says the ones that bind to the allosteric site of enzyme, causing distortion of enzyme,, it's non competitive. What, why? Is this a lie, or it's actually counted as non competitive? Clearly they're fighting to bind first. Different sites doesn't make them not competing, right? ..

For chemistry, so far. Hope none are lies. Sincerely. Been trying to find that old notes. I think I lost it, somewhere.

._.

I don't get how I misplace notes like that. Ugh.
Let's hope I don't stop in the middle. Fuck off, emotions.

.

I can't believe this shit.
I'm still in bed. I wanna sleep off the entire cny. I don't wanna meet people. I don't wanna talk. I'm unhappy. I'm pissed. I'm done. I wish I can stay in bed for the entire cny.

What's the point?

I have another new target. Stop tapping fb chat to see if he's on. Don't give shit. Three years, alright. I'll stfu for three years, unless there is something I must say. Don't give anymore shit. Don't care. The craziest type of person, is the kind that rejects concern. Those type of person that rejects, and say "I have no friends."
Bullshit, my dear.

What kind of people would do that?
I feel like I'm being like you, now. Ignoring the concerns people wanna give. But you know what? I know I have friends. I'm just not reaching out, because I'm sad over you. You're everything to me. So no one else matters. How about you? You, fucking idiot, if you don't accept care from me, fucking try to accept others. You can't live alone. Try to trust one or two.

See you after cny. Don't get bitten by blood sucking monsters. Take care. Get lots of ang pao, and have some fun. Go drink and chill if you really have to. Just ugh fuck I don't care.

Do whatever you want. Bye.

Three years later, I'll be a new person. Fuck you.

.

Shut up. Stop asking me why am I so sad. Like I said, I'm fucking, perfectly happy! So fucking happy, so get your life and leave me alone doing chemistry!

I'm sad, because I'm dumped by the one I love the most. I'm sad because I made the decision to stay with him til death do us apart. I'm sad because all these aren't real. I'm sad because I thought he loves me as much as I love him. I was looking forward, to celebrate a year being together with him. Then another year, then another year. Then the day I finally get to wake up next to him, to see his sleepy adorable face every morning. I was looking forward, to listen to his heartbeat and snores, to sleep. I was looking forward to be waken up by his kisses, like how he used to during our naps. I was looking forward. We planned stuff. He said he would bring me to universal studio. He said he would watch thT movie with me. I said we could use up that voucher together. And now it's being left there. I'm not gonna use it. I'm not gonna watch it. I'm not gonna touch them. I want to wait. Wait until we get better. I want to wait. I don't want to continue life.

It's just a fight. Were our relationship that weak? Was it so easy to give up on me? Am I that terrible? Are you happy, destroying all hopes that I love you for?

I don't know what to do now.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

。

其實我不明白 做錯了什麼，能讓一個人那麼絕，那麼狠。

行啊，你都不知道 這樣多難受。
毀了一天 毀了一夜 毀了一周 可能毀了一個月。
不管怎麼說服自己放棄，到最後還是被你改變主意

也許他忙。不斷篇著堅持的理由。
再試試，別那麼快放棄。
如果可以改變結局，這算什麼？ 我不介意。
沒關係。沒關係。 算了。 沒什麼。敷衍，沒關係。

放棄了，欸等等。真的要放棄嗎？很笨對不對
連隔壁的馬來男孩都學會華文了。 和他說，
我很蠢。
沒有。
Do you understand that?
No...

我也不懂我哪根筋不對了 非得這樣折磨自己
然後逼著笑，很想發洩。很想衝向牆。
很想結束。

夠了嘛。這樣折磨自己很好玩嗎？其實很累。
就算很清楚這世界很多東西都是假的
卻逼著自己 試試看。再試。

如果你不打算留下，為什麼當初請求我留下

沒有你的日子  像什麼都沒有。

再試試看。

.

Ts,
Don't have to be glad that he made time to see you.
Don't have to swallow your pride to beg him back. Even if you didn't left the roses he gave, there to die...
You can never ever,
Never ever go back to December.

You don't have to do this anymore.
You don't have to, think about summer all the beautiful times
don't have to remind yourself that you love him
You don't have to miss his sweet smile, how good he was.
Cuz whatever happened, it's just a dream. 
Even if you've really appreciated, loved hard.
Even if you tried, it's all bullshit.
He'd still leave you.

There are situations when efforts can be nothing.
I guess effort can only be a thing on studies.

So don't expect you could go back to December.

He's already gone.
Don't even imagine him returning. 
You'll ruin your life, so, so badly, that you finally say

"Doesn't matter." to every fucking thing.

And that doesn't matter, actually.

Fat

Violin teacher said I look skinnier. I know this doesn't make sense but.... Why everytime I get fucking sad, people tell me I'm skinnier?

Being sad made me crave food, fat food, cheesy food. I crave spaghetti so badly I ate it knowing how expensive it is. I ate half pack of Japanese biscuits my friend got it from her relatives. I ate so much. And skipped work outs for hell cycle.

Skinnier? Are you kidding me.

Conclusion, I get skinnier when I'm sad.
Maybe. Oh well.

I wish I get fatter then, sincerely.

Fuck off, blood Sucking monsters. Fuck off.

.

I talked to my sister. I told her, I'm not sure what I want after pre u. I said, I don't know where can I go. I told her a few choices, and said, how high the requirements are. And she said, we'll see, after you finish pre u.

She thinks I can't. I told her, don't underestimate a girl who's single.
She said single ladies aren't always having high achievements.
I said, don't underestimate a girl who's single who's realizing things..

I call them fake, I call their eyes two pools of lies, fake. All fake.
She said why.
I said because nothing counts.
She said, we are. We all are too. She said we girls are bitches. We're all bad.
True, too. Yeah we all are. But I can't see any of them. More like, I don't give a damn bout others.
I said you'll know when you be in that position.

But I thought he's different.
She laughed.
"You only said that because you see him as your everything, your entire world."
Yeah. And when the world gave up on me, what else's worth living for? Absolutely NOTHING.

So that's what ruining my life. My fault for putting a person, somewhere so high, too high until I can't even reach him anymore. My fault, over prioritizing someone. My fault, my fault, my fault for thinking us would be different. My fault, for thinking he would stay till the end, with me, thinking we will go through shits and moments together, thinking it will be better.

Turned out it's just me. it's just me who wants this. How stupid, how idiot I was, and still are. How dumb, for me to allow this shit to make my life into I don't even know how to describe this kind of shit. What am I? What am I doing, why? I don't know. For what? I don't know. I don't know! Why making life so miserable, so hell-like, so, meaningless!? It's just me. Yeah. I never knew loving just someone could cause this chaotic fucked up life. I never knew. No one told me how to do this shit, and how to deal with this shit. I willingly died. I willingly killed myself tru this break. I willingly destroyed myself.

At the end, there'll be no one.
I guess the lesson will be: Never, ever, believe.
Just believe no one. Fucking no one. No such thing as "always", no such thing as I love you. It's an expression. It's just a shitty beautifully painful fake line actors use in tv. It's fake!
Life is shit. Living is shitty. Oh gosh why am I not born a tree.

People are fake. Not exactly fake, but fake. Nothing's real in this world. Even the someone or something you see as your everything, 

It's not real.

.

I get sad listening to certain songs. Whatever I listened when I was with you. I get sad seeing stuff related to you. I get sad seeing the cold replies. I get sad, waiting for you knowing that you've given up on us. I get sad seeing happy people holding hands, couples tickling each other, being by each other, staying strong for each other. I get sad, imagining life without you, and imagining you with another girl. And you telling her, you love her.

I don't know. I'm not afraid of cny. I can manage to smile throughout college, I can smile and ignore them asking whatever I don't wanna answer. I can manage crying for nights and showing up with a fucking bright smile in front of any life forms, I can manage. I can manage faking it all my life. I can manage telling lies: I don't care anyway. I can manage to make myself busy enough so I put this depressing shit aside. I can manage...

Highschool friends were talking about future, stuff. Some of them moving away, some further studying far away. Me? I don't know. I used to want to stay here because of you. I used to, want to stay here just to be with you, and still do. I told you, I'll always be here, I will always be free for you. But then. Am I really gonna do that for someone who's not even trying to get us work again? Am I gonna do that?

I'll wait a little longer. I'll work a little harder.
I'll work much harder. And die.

.

I'll study very hard, to get great results, then off overseas. Maybe.

It's not a mistake taking A levels. You made me suffered, and still am suffering. You made me that shitty every fucking day. I don't know what to do between breaks. I don't know what to do. I'm just sad. Always sad.

I'll leave this place this memory.

Dear person that I love the most,
You destroyed me, so so badly.

This wouldn't have happened if you love me.

I told my friends, the only reason I stayed was because of you. Yes, was. Was.

Maybe at the end I'd still stay for you. I'm gonna be useful to the world. I'm gonna work hard, and be a successful person.

Maybe it doesn't matter where I go. I will work hard.

.

Have you ever wonder, what kind of hell you're putting me through? Like how am I supposed to manage all this shit

You only thought about how hard it was for you. You only thought about it's not getting better then we should break.

And I'm here, thinking it still could work. Give up, give up. Everything we've veen through, just stop. Enough. Huh?

If there is a will, there is a way.

You shouldn't have asked if I'm willing to if you yourself aren't willing to. You shouldn't have been scared of me unable to deal with the hard times cuz you yourself can't.

You shouldn't have made me stay when I was about ti give up. You shouldn't have said all those things when you can't do them. You can't.

I'm sick of everything, wood.

I used to think love didn't exist cuz it's a hard thing to find, two people willing to want each other. And then I found you, and you found me. But, easily you gave up.

The first time I gave my everything to one person. And he pushed me away. The first time I believed in forever and you did that cruelly.
The first time I cry daily for a guy that doesn't want to deal with hard times with me. The first time, I can't handle it well.

The first time, will be the last time. If I cry for you again, I'm the dumbest bitch in the world.

Believing you is what I regret the most.

Giving you my everything, and you made it shatter without any fragments left.

You, I will never ever believe.

。

如果不能快樂起來，那就要千方百計不管怎樣也好，一定要想辦法 讓生活忙得把它們都擱了。如果不能夠忘了，累壞了就好。

一定要忙得無法發呆，不能夠發呆，不能夠想太多。希望可以這樣撐一輩子。

一定要撐。

.

I can't accept it, wood. It's like just awhile ago, since the last time I tasted your love.

And awhile ago, you broke up with me. .

I tried to pretend like I don't care. They believed. People believed. I'm glad they did, cuz no one has to know.

I imagine myself in the future, being forced to accept you being with your new girl.
And you kiss her, you love her, and call her wife.

Just a thought like that, ruin my day.
I can't possibly let go.

I just can't.

We shouldn't have broken up. We don't have to be like this.

I'll love how you used to be.
I love the you that loved me.
Not the you, that didn't mind hurting me, over and over again. I love the old you, which said you'd stay strong for me.

Not the you, who chose to leave.
You didn't broke us up.

You broke me.

I will forever remember that.

Till death do us apart, wasn't real.

It was me expecting too much from you.
It was just me.

Never love anyone, anymore.

Please.. Stop making my life so terrible.

I love you.
I believed in everything you said.
My mistake.

啄

我快瘋了。

我要一個人，我要靜靜呆著。

我要擺脫一個跟踪狂。

班上其他人都明白，在幫我

今天兩個沒來，我要搬。搬到這裡，旁邊有個空位。班上她們都說，我們把書包放這裡，他不會來。

結果他厚著臉皮還是來了。

殺了我吧。

.

I don't know what's with me. Again, this time, auto rewinding.

Certain memories can suffocate me.

I feel like I'm living in a nightmare.

I remember playing truth or truth with my friends. They asked what's the thing I fear the most.

The answer was: losing you.

I can't sleep. You're really loud. The sound of you calling me. The sound of us.

I want it to stop.

Every fucking midnight, stuck in this shit.
Unable to sleep,
All because. This.

I can't breathe.
Please, stop it.
Allow me to put it aside.

I just wanna concentrate on things worth living.

Am I going to live every fucking day like this?
Absolute fucking hell.

I must have been a murderer from my past life.
The punishment: live everyday feeling like dying.

.

分手　從你口中說出十分冷漠
難過　沸騰心中然後熄滅的火

我以為留下來沒有錯　我以為努力過你會懂
怎麼連落葉　都在嘲笑我　要假裝堅強的走

行走在冬夜的冷風中　飄散的踩碎的都是夢
孤單單這一刻　如何　確定你曾愛過我

停留在冬夜的冷風中　我不是也不想裝脆弱
我沒說不代表我不會痛

我以為你暫時走失了　我以為你累了會回頭
怎麼連複雜　的故事背後　都是我聽朋友說

劉思涵 

走在冷風中

.

He's nice today. He really is, nice.
I never talked to him for the whole day, I suffered, I cried, I suffocated.

Then he was nice.

I wasted a day just because I'm sad. I'm sad that he left.

Now I have to still, believe that he's not coming back.

Don't be happy. Don't be, just because he's nice.

We are hopeless.

If you're happy, the future's gonna hurt.

You don't wanna be that painful.

So please. Don't smile. Don't be happy.

He will leave me.

And I will get used to it.

I will not accept anyone else into my life anymore.

I learn. I will learn.

.

I kept staring at your photos.
And talk to you like you can hear me.
Today's a shitty day.

Well,

It's just another day without you.

I'm glad I look normal.
I always look normal.

I wish I can really drown.

In college, hmm.
Math scares me. I understand, but process slowly. So when he starts to question us, I start to panick. Ended up someone answering the question for me.

I'm just so fucking slow. I could find the answer, I swear. But not in the situation when my heart's about to pop out.

Haiz.

I wasted a day.
I'm not happy.
I'm never happy. Hahah

Btw wood, I learnt the second easiest braid(french braid) because I lost my clip and my hair was just so annoying.

I miss you.
Ok bye.

Study.

。

為了你 我覺得我幾乎天天崩潰的。
天天都把自己折磨成什麼樣了 我都不懂
我不懂你到底把我變成什麼了
為你痴痴第都不正常了。

我決定放棄了。
我放棄。

每次都會糾結，
和朋友面前該叫你什麼
男朋友？前男友？

那一天你穿我們的衣服，
說 在散 就真的分手了。
你是在開玩笑嗎？

我懂了
都是假的


朋友。
我有個朋友，曾經這樣說

我有個朋友曾經這樣做

以後我就叫你 “朋友” 吧。

被你整 一天天，快瘋了。
如果你愛我
你不會這樣讓我不停地難過
以後你約我
我們只是朋友。

悅歡， 放棄吧。

單身一輩子，是對的選擇。




如果一天你有機會再問我
李悅歡，你 願不願意嫁給我


啊哈哈，
開玩笑的。
不會發生的事，就不用再做假設
你不會愛我
你不懂我
所以我們分手了。
我們 不用再說分手了。