Wood

I don't think wood affects me that much. I think about him, so many times in one day. That doesn't affect anything. He just appears there, that's all. I live my life after a little bit of day dreaming. But I have no idea why sometimes, I get sad for no reason. Like. I seriously have no idea. I just wanna have my own damn space and be alone. I can't explain what's wrong to anyone when I myself have no damn clue.

Yes wood does affect me that much. His notification still does pops up. Still. I want to know how his life has been going. I want to know if he still goes to his grandma's place every Saturday. I wanna know if he and captain has been in contact. I wanna know what he's up to. Everything.

It's actually very hard. I care, I always do. But I have to pretend like I don't! I thought I was pretty convincing. "Yh, you will do fine as long as you don't think too much about it." Isn't that avoiding shits? Time heals? Time brings me forward, time lets me meet new people, live a new life, but that doesn't heal. Our minds have too big capacity, you can store them. Store them over there for a while, and when midnight strikes, you break down, into pieces again. And again. Unless you're too tired to think, and you fall asleep before the sounds appear. It's just storing them. In a box. A very easily openable box. It's avoiding them.

I'm not doing fine at all. I miss him. I care. And I'm doing the opposite. How bad it is to push someone you value away from your life. Wood, does that hurt? It hurts for me too. Do you know? No of course you don't. You don't have to know. No matter what I do, it'll always end up badly.

I care and I show it, you hit me back with words, that pain, that unbearable pain. And when I don't show it? How different it is? It's just in that box. How do people move on? How, exactly? I hate myself for being like this.

Why? How? Why can you do things to me but still not make me hate you?

Call

Oh gosh this is so awkward.

The moment you wanna call your dad, but you accidentally tapped on your ex's name.

Whatsapp call is freaking evil. The call goes straight to the receiver like right away. I swear I tapped end call. But I know how this works. Cuz I've tried accidentally calling someone else and that someone picked up. Or the other way round, someone called me accidentally and I picked up too soon before they end call.

Just one small mistake.

I unintentionally called you. I explained. That's all. Let's go back to how it's supposed to be. Me ignoring you. Me being a bitch. You hating me. You blocking me from seeing your feeds and walls. Go back to that. Don't talk to me please, cuz you hate me. That's how it should be. Go with the flow, and stop messing things up.

I'm sorry for having clumsy hands. Sorry that my mind still wants to call you. But that was really an accident.

Wood

"You will never see my name in your notification."

I thought so. But dear, you have no idea how frequently I'm scrolling fb, right? So frequent I couldn't believe it. I saw your name anyway. You appeared for a second, then you unliked it so quickly. Did you agree so much on my shared posts you almost forgot that you're planning to not show up in my notifications at all? I'm gonna pretend that I didn't notice that one sec reaction.

I wonder what would you think. You were different. Too shy to show up that much in front of my family. What would you think if you knew a guy friend of mine are gonna tour my family around? What would you think, if a guy friend that got invited over for dinner had his before you, a guy that left my life.

I remember the first time I met your friends. That night, you whispered to me that they think I'd be a better gf than your past ones. I was happy. Well, I wonder what you tell them now. They must be hating me more than you do. They must be taking that comment back. Your captain must be so disappointed of me.

Do I have to feel bad for treating someone so good, while deleting you in my life? Should I? Am I wrong for making someone else this happy? Should I feel guilty? Am I guilty? I knew I couldn't promise anything. I knew, once Wood's in my heart I shouldn't just... Idk what I'm doing.

Sometimes I'd regret. Regret for treating someone too nice, making someone too happy. Then what? There's nothing else I can do for him. I'll be your biggest disappointment. Maybe I'd make you accidentally invest your efforts on me. I appreciate efforts. I'd show appreciation too. But then both of us would be so happy. And shits start building in my head. I doubt. I think I'm wrong. I think being nice to each other is the first step to hell. The cycle continues, then it's unstoppable. At the end, everyone would get hurt. It'll be hard for one to walk away, but eventually one would walk away. The one walking away would either be happy with it, or maybe not. Then leaving the other, depressed. Probably. Or whatever. I'm walking towards hell. Can you get the picture? Investing efforts in each other, strengthening a bond.

Facts are, things change. People come and go. Tbh I don't think I want to be that happy. I just don't wanna get depressed anymore. To achieve that, I have to accept that everything's temporary. One day I'd just be so... So okay to lose anything. Then that day I can finally say, I'm content. I'm breathing, and that's the best thing life can give me. Nothing would affect my mood, feelings.

But someone told me that it's not a great thing, because you forget. You forget about emotions, stuff, you don't remember how to care anymore. And when you feel something, you doubt yourself. "Am I feeling it or am I believing in the idea of it?"

At the end, nothing makes sense. I can just stay as a selfish heartless human who isolate myself from everyone else, or... I can make someone else happy. And either way, I'd think that I'm not doing it right. It'll be questions, questions. Until I die. Is this how life is supposed to be?

Do you go left, where nothing's right, or would you go right, where nothing's left?

Wood

Weird thing is he didn't block me in anything. Not fb, not whatsapp, didn't even delete me in snapchat.

I do miss him. Few times on daily basis. Then I think about how I've talked to him, how supposingly he should be hating me so badly right now, then I stop. There's no point missing someone that I've removed in my life, cuz I did this myself. But I still do miss him like crazy.

One thing he did. He customised his fb photos privacy. I couldn't see them all rn. I wonder why. Since I'm this sohaishitex. Wood don't you wanna show me how normal your life would be without me? Perhaps, you changed snapchat privacy settings too? Cuz it's rare to not see anything in your stories. He probably thinks I've badly backstabbed him for another guy.

Maybe he couldn't accept the truths about how his behavior made them left him, so it sounded like they're all mean girls that left. I thought I'd never be one of them, but I am already. Probably the meanest one? I mean hey I told him to Fuck off. Probably one of the meanest texts I've sent while crying rivers at the other side of the screen.

I know how much hate is required for me to remove someone's right to see everything in the wall. Tbh it kills me. Making him did all that, quietly. He probably thinks I didn't notice them, cuz I'd make a big fuss abt it and beg him to allow me to see them again. But not this time. I'll have to pretend how heartless I am. How completely I want him to leave me alone. How serious I am. No matter how bad it is. I regret tapping in his profile to check on him. I mean why? He thinks I don't care anymore. It shouldn't hurt, but it did.

Maybe because it's midnight and I've woken up by severe pain from a dream.

Moon says I'm a daydreamer, and a night thinker.

Never been more accurate. I'm smiling a lot these days. Getting these crazy depressed nights lesser and lesser. But they still happen. Sometimes, I think it's bad to wake someone up to talk about shits in my head. Even tho I know how someone would be sooo willing to be a listener.. it's just. It's my shit. It's better I take them alone.

Sometimes, negativity spreads. It sucks when it did, cuz seriously I have zero intention to spread them, especially to extremely positive people. It hurts when they become quiet. I remember how drama queen became quiet. How moon became quiet. It's all my fault.

Who'd be awake at 2.30am and handle all this depressed talk? Just me.

Please yh. Get over him. A guy that treated you like that doesn't deserve your tears anymore.

.

I don't understand. It's not like I saw his name or anything. I'm in a conversation with moon. Just normal days. It's afternoon. The weather is just nice. My eyes so tired cuz I slept just about four hours.

My mind still does wander. For no reason, It reached that memory.

I lived a year with him occasionally back. It was bad. Let's see if I can push him away for a year. Without him occasionally back.

I don't care if I broke my arm, if it became a freaking permanent injury that I maybe couldn't badminton anymore. I'll never ask help from him.

A year later I'm gonna look back and be like holy crap why didn't I make him fuck off earlier and allowed him to mentally kill me again and again. I'm gonna be so proud of myself for finally doing what's best for me. Remove the toxic. It's just hard at the beginning. There'll be chances it comes back trying to make you addicted again, but we gotta fight that. Very firmly.

He haunts me. But I'll get over it.

Wood

I literally ignored him. Then got blocked. I expected that anyway, why feeling bad? I asked for it. I ignored every single one of his messages, and I'm just dying inside. Thinking bout how bad I made the situation become, how pissed I've made him. He probably hates me now. I really asked for it. I was ready, but I guess my mind wasn't prepared. It was, but it's still bad.

I got home earlier today. I'm feeling so empty like I've lost everything that used to occupy my heart. I just sat down on the floor. I'm so tired. Empty. I didn't exactly lose anything. I lost him a year ago. Today, he lost me. It's a good thing. It's nothing to be sad of. From now on he wouldn't pop into my life and act like someone who cares. He wouldn't appear in all of sudden just to trigger everything then fuck up my day. It's a damn good thing. I have to thank him for blocking me. Thank you wood.

I'm gonna miss the old you.

I'm so sorry pineapple. I couldn't maintain this friendship. It's gonna be so awkward. Since the day you broke up with pax, since the day i made him blocked me. It's all over. It's just me and you. I guess the four of us can't play together anymore? I don't even know what to do if the djians invite us all. If they invited me and wood, oh gosh it's gonna be so bad. But you definitely understand. You're my pineapple. I wouldn't mind if you and wood stay friends. None of my business anyway.

I guess today is it.

Wood

I can't believe what I'm doing. I've made a decision of ignoring him until..... Idk when, maybe when we're old enough to stop hurting each other? Whenever that is, hah, it'll probably be years later, or maybe never.I'm gonna let go some day. One day he can send me texts and I'd not get affected. I'd stop searching only for his name in snapchat just to see how he's been doing. Yeah one day I'll stop them all.

Wood, I find our communications super problematic. It's just impossible to clear things up with you. I've spent a year, and still failed. You seemed like you're finally listening to what I'm trying to tell, but still, misunderstandings, assumptions, overthinking, everthing ruined it like always. I feel it's pointless to keep trying since it only hurts us both. I think. I'm the bad guy right now. If you feel like it, there's nothing I can say. I'll forever be the one who picks another friend over you, in your mind. I'll ignore how bad it is knowing you'd think that way. I'll stop explaining,

I said I let go of our relationship. Did you believe that? I said I let go and I want us to be just friends. But honestly. If you made effort, you knew that I'd irresistibly run back into your arms. That was what I thought. I said I give up, but... I'm gonna need much more than a year to do that. You lil shit.

My sister used to like mentioning you for fun. She didn't know she was killing me inside, she thought I was just mad. I usually leave the room to be alone. I guess I looked so damn fine to my family facing the break up. I hate her mentioning you. I also hate you thinking that I'm deeply in love with moon. Cuz how could you think that way, when deep down inside I'm dying to make up with you? It fucking hurts. still. I can't believe it.

I'm not gonna block you. I won't ever block you. Maybe you'll be the one blocking me, but I'll be okay after a while. I'm gonna show you, your words, actions and seeing you smiling with people won't affect me anymore, cuz you're just gonna be one friend that I never talk to in fb. We have many of that friends, and you're just one of them. I want you to still look at my name, and one day maybe realize you've lost the one who'd do literally everything for you. I want you to see me living a happy life alone, and you're okay to not be a part of my life anymore.

I just have to face the final few texts before you stop.

When someone won't let you in, eventually you stop knocking. - Ransom Riggs.
You'll stop, then we'll live a peaceful life away from each other. I just gotta patiently wait.

The good news is, nothing lasts forever, including this pain.



I remember that soft epilogue you've agreed on. I said I want to talk, and that's the last thing I ask from you. So you agreed, we just sat in the car in the middle of the road. Then we talked. It was mostly you speaking, I listened, nodded while crying without any sound. You told me how tired you were. How stressed you were because of my stupid unsecured mind, my never ending overthinking, my little expectations. And the last twenty minutes we just hugged. Reminiscing those moments. Just that. When you dropped me, you gave me that forehead kiss.

Flashing back about it, it still fucking kills me. 

Wood

What fucking right do you have to talk about "chances"? Last chance? Hahahah seriously, fuck off. Why wouldn't you understand fuck off? I thought you don't understand everytime I care, so now you don't understand fuck off too? Why do you have to screw up all my classes, every fucking time I just wanna smile and stop thinking bout shits you enjoy to do to me, you fucking hate me so much right? You hate me this much you enjoy thst mentally torture. You enjoy the idea of me dying every day, even when I tell you to fuck off my life.

Block you? Everyone's telling me to block you. I seriously don't understand why the hell do I.still give a fuck about you. What have you done to me? Drugged me? Just fuck off, totally fuck off

.

2.49am
The voices are loud. Again. It's like people shouting in my ears. Why won't they go away? I wonder if anyone else have these kinds of voices. I mean... Am I normal or going insane??

They say, when you're going to feel terrible, think about the good things. I can picture them all food friends and yip man and moon.

Actually I do have awesome friends. Stomata showed me her crush's photo. I mean.. wow, you trust me, and I appreciate that. Then yip man,,, oh gosh I will definitely update you but seriously hope in person or anything. Pineapple too even tho we were always far away, but it's easy to stay in contact as long as an effort is made. I remember how you called me daily to check on me last year Oct. You will never imagine how hard I tried to sound cool and fine. It's ok they don't have to know that.

Life's good when the focus are on these awesome people instead of toxic ones. Yeah. I think Im a stubborn lil shit, almost no one can change my decisions. So I feel awesome to be having a clear state of mind. No matter how bad it is, it won't last long cuz I'm gonna end it.

Some say broken lovers can't be friends, unless they're still in love or they never loved. I used to think that's not true in my case. But now yeah I guess, we can't be friends.

Ok I think I must sleep now. Stupid voices just fuck off. Just look at how released I am.

I'm free.

.

I'm so free rn. The college is quiet, the cafeteria is so empty. It's December, the best month of the year. Good things happen in this month. I got together with him two years ago this month. I cut off contact with him a day ago, same month. They're all good things. We've been through a lot.

Two years can make so much difference. I was lifeless and unmotivated, then I came to life with his existence, then became a psycho that doesn't know how to love myself anymore, into a piece of negative shit that can't possibly trust relationships anymore.

It goes from "I can't possibly live without you" to "You fuck off, leave." It was bad, cuz I still think he's not a bad person. It was different mindset, too different priorities and concerns. You care so much about the future that you're screwing up the present, which would screw up the future you planned. For me, I actually don't give enough shit bout the future, I want to enjoy my freaking 18 year old life and you're just making everything seems so old and dying.

Class please start rn before you cause an overthinking shit life. Now please.

Hard epilogue

It's a complete release. Idk if he's gonna keep this promise, but I think I've told him to fuck off my life. Indirectly last time, directly this time.

"Just leave, I'm done."

I'm thankful moon insisted we meet up. I never actually knew how it's like to have a friend that.. worries so badly. How it was like to really have a shoulder to cry on. I still wish I could wipe of your memory of my face for yesterday.

I wish I could wipe off my own memories too. I wish wood stays silent and never finds me anymore. It's just so much better in this life without him.

Sometimes being a bitch is a good thing in order to prevent further damages. Yeah, it's a good thing.

.

There are people in the house. Relatives. I wanted to leave my phone upstairs, but I just didn't. My phone was on silent. Wood texted me, I didn't know. I ignored his few texts, again and again, then mom told me to google something, which made me seen his texts again. I simply replied him. Here we go again.

I can't believe I stopped eating and just texted him, madly, all the way. I can't believe there are people in front and I almost just cried there. Haha. Stupid dumb ass. Stupid dumb shit.

Seaweed texted me something he was excited about. I replied, sure. He said I sound sad. Does sure sounds sad?

What makes people think thst you're sad? I didn't even say anything.

I promised myself to never cry for that shit anymore.

It's just so great I've completely told him how shitty he made me, and that I fucking let go.

So just fucking smile.
Smile for the rest of my life, so no one would ask me.

Wood.

Do you know, how speechless I was, seeing your text? I'm still thinking about it. Ooh so you do know that you've been a jerk for an entire year. And all you care about is your fucking dumbass pride.

One does not fucking dump someone and come back as he wishes. You don't do that if you really love me. No you don't, you love the attention I gave, you love the way I care. But guess what, I don't!

I see you're very free now. Wood, I'm not. I'm not free for you even if I unresistibly went out with you a couple times. I'm not your choice. Do you think you can just make me be with you as you please? No! Idiot season has passed. I'm fucking awake, so you don't come back. You fuck off with your stupid pride.

Feeling stucked up? Missing me badly? Wood I've been like that for an entire year. I've veeb fucking depressed, I'm like drunk for a year. You know how terrible that is? If you can bear with treating me that way for a year and feel nothing, then continue to do that.

I can't believe I still care! Really? Pride?? No. Stop. Wood I've typed an entire paragraph to tell you everything, and you just reacted that easily. I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm trying to be truthful with you. Still, pride. Pride. Pride is everything huh? Then go, go find a girl that cab stand your pride.

Yeah, I said I let go, so? Do you think it's that easy? I'm dying trying to let go. Still thinking bout us, how we used to be, pride!?

You didn't make them hate you. My family didn't know shit, cuz I protected your fucking pride much harder than myself, ended up I just gotta fuck myself up in bed in order to not let them hate you. Do you know how many nights I've soaked my pillows just because of how you treated me? I still fuck up my mood when I blog, cuz you matter! Pride. Wow.

I'm just a nothing that prob loves you more than myself.

Wood

So, insomnia huh. I have so much bullshit in my head. I honestly wish blogger can have black background and white fonts while typing so my eyes don't have to squint.

Idk what I'm really thinking. It's a good thing we both agreed being like this to each other, even when he clearly knew I didn't stop the feelings. We got jealous for each other. I knew, he knew too, but still we won't cross the line anymore.

I didn't ask you out, I'm just being responsible to treat you.

Uhm. He taped my back. (My back freaking sucks.) He said I gotta do full stretches from now on. (Oh so that's why, sometimes I forgot to warm up my arms) I still feel kinda awesome cuz he really does care.

Breaking up makes us... so daring. I could tell him everything rn. Like everything, and not be afraid of him getting pissed, cuz it's my life. And he could tell me stuff too, many stuff.

It's just his reaction. His reaction was nothing much.

If it's fifty fifty, it must've been hard to break up with me. And when I've swallowed my pride, begging you not to leave like a brainless shit, it must've been hard too, for you to still be an ass. For the sake of us, you've done alot.

I should thank you for not reacting much, but I guess there's still a part of me wishes seeing you wanting me back. Guess you were just so good at pretending.

Back pain

I'm thinking a lot. Things that used to happen, things that I wished it can still happen, things that I just imagined for no reason.

I used to think losing him would just kill me. Of course, it was bad. However, I survived. Then I thought of putting priority on things, badminton. What if, I lose badminton too?

Wood told me that I probably injured my teres minor. A small muscle at the back. He told me to stop playing. Am I gonna stop playing? ...... Maybe I'll stop hitting hard. I'll just let them be half court. Maybe I'll give up on so so so many shots, or just return more drops.

It just can't be. Badminton's the reason I connect with half the people in my life rn. It's like such a huge part.

I'm feeling so dying. That one-week-diarrhea might be back. Maybe whatever caused it hasn't left. Maybe something's living in me had been inactive for a short while, and now it's active again. I fucking hate diarrhea. Even tho it clearly helped me lose weight, but... I feel like all the awesome food got wasted.

I just wish they all can recover. Let's just hope I get to eat normal. Alright time to wake someone.

Chem was so tiring, but I did absorbed stuff. I like Jaclyn.

Wood

Wood wasn't confusing me. He was confused himself. After all this time, finally some words. Stupid assumptions can bring pain, so no assumptions. Don't ask me what do I think. Because I don't even let myself. I have no idea what you think, but finally you're telling me. We were both conflicting in the same way. I knew it couldn't work, but I tried. You want me, but don't want me. It's very nice of that tone, that honesty. I'm very glad we can peacefully have a conversation of serious talk.

I'm trying to not cross the line as friends, can you do that too?
I'll try...

That is the best thing I've heard tonight.

I'm good.

Wood

I see he's tagging someone else in funny shits from fb. I think I've been scrolling fb a little too much, reading comments a little too much.

It's my blog. I can admit things here.

Yes I'm so uncomfortable, but not as much as when I still want to fix us. I'm not jealous at all I'm so happy for him. So he found someone who'd give him better responses. So he realized he's the only one tagging me and finally he feels dumb.and decided to stop. Good!

The difference between us, is we open up and wrong times. I guess I told him everything in my head when we were together, when we broke up. But now, fimally I made him speak.

He told me his thoughts, while I kept mine. I only told him my decisions.

What's the difference between thoughts and decisions?

Fucking different.
I let go, but I still care about you.
I shut up, act ignorant, but I do miss you.
I cringe and push you away, but I missed this thing you used to do.

I said I let go. And I'm not regretting it at all. it's probably the best choice I'll ever make.

But wood you'll never know what's going on in my thoughts, cuz you don't have to know them anymore.

Wood

One thing I hate about going to my grandparents' would be the endless long car rides. I used to think I'm good at this, but... No, when I'm sitting in the middle, or next to a huge wheelchair with the metal thingy sticking out poking my ribs madly. When you only get 20% of your butt on the couch. All above made you unable to sleep but get more and much more exhausted. No. I wanted to throw up. Stomach actually turned upside down. Not a good feeling. Just gonna turn moody and all grumpy. Gosshhhh luckily then the adults noticed the constantly changing position struggles and helped adjusted the thing.

One short nap heals it all. I was just tired.

I didn't silent my phone, and suddenly it rang. All of the sudden, it's wrong. Wood called. The last time wood called was like an hour before he broke us up. This name.. He called? A nice tone, a gentle reminder. Was that really him?

I shouldn't be so happy. I really really shouldn't be. Whatever he did, then and now. Even if suddenly he's tagged me in so many stuff, no. I shouldn't be happy.

I gotta remember what he said that made me swore not to appear in his notifications anymore. I gotta remember how just one sentence turned my day into hell. Seriously, I gotta remember how painful it was.

It doesn't matter what he's doing rn. Doesn't matter what he's thinking, I don't care. I'm not gonna find out anymore. Even if he tells me, it's nothing. Never let the same damn fire burn you twice. It'll always look so pretty and bright, but facts are, it will hurt you.

Oh please it's just a goddamn 10sec call.

I seriously miss him calling tho.

No stop. Yh.

Actually maybe it doesn't matter too if I only partially got over him, right? As long as he sees it as I've completely let go, then everyone would stop hurting. He'd stop the habits too. He'd leave me alone and think that I'm probably so over him.
He's better than me, right?
Wood there's no such thing as who's better, you're all awesome in different ways.
Do you remember what you used to say? Wood you're the best.

Everything changed when you broke your damn promise. When you left me to die shattered. So accept it. You're the best in your future wife's heart. Whatever I used to say was just a past, forget it, move on.

I hope you notice the fact that it's now just you tagging me and showing up in my notifications. I wish you notice that I've stopped showing that I care since some time ago, and that I've stopped trying to remind you that I miss you.

Just bitterly saying, you should stop too. 

Going out.

I think it feels wrong because I'm going out with guys. Idk if I'm like giving hope or anything to anyone, but I think I definitely made it clear about it to them.

"YH where did you go, what did you do?"
"Went to uptown, just ate spaghetti."
"We didn't even get you to eat spaghetti with us!"
"We shared! So it was cheaper."
"Aaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"

Wood asked me out. I was thinking, I gotta go, and see if I can make myself treat him like a friend. I think I did it? At least I can stop staring at him when he drives. I can push him away when he crossed the line. I stopped approaching him randomly. It feels weird. Usually he was the one who pulls his arms away. I just tense up, and thought "No, we're just friends." It proved that I really can stop. The amount of concern is the same I guess. We still do, mutually care about each other. It's just it doesn't matter anymore whether he knows it or not. He told me his great achievements. I'm happy for him. After we parted ways, he's free too. He has all his time for himself and his family, without burden. He diagnosed my shoulder problem, and helped as much as he could. Yeah, he cares. I believe him. I guess we can be friends anyway. :D Just honestly wish he stops stressing himself out too much.

I went out with moon too. A few times. Idk if it's right or wrong. It's like giving hope, but.. he's a close friend. I do like to talk about stuff to him like this than in front of a bunch of peeps. But it's so comfortable with him I'm worried.

"I know him tru badminton, he's a very close friend rn, but recently there's an issue."
*tells them about the book, and the phrase."
"I'm worried that he'd like me"
"You're probably more worried that you'd like him back, don't you?"

Shell and stomata knows me well. I do like him, as a close friend, and I don't know what's gonna happen next. One wrong feel can kill a friendship. It can possibly turn everything into nothing, turn smiles into tears. shits, etc. Facts are humans change so fast....

Let's hope it stays this way for years and years, so nobody gets hurt. 

.

I used to think that the most quietest way to release fuckedupmood is freaking punch the wall. And if you need to cry, turn up the volume. Make it so loud you can't hear your own gulps. I was wrong. The walls aren't so good at absorbing the sound especially when you hit hard. It's still very obviously loud. Ahahaha just a sudden thought.

I'm craving cheese. Cheesecake. Cheesy damn pizza. The weather is so hot, so hot I wanna turn on the aircon. It's dumb what people do, right? You eat them anyway even tho you know you're gonna get bad bad diarrhea afterwards. You turn them on even when you already have your nose fucked. We do things we love despite how bad it's gonna end. It's the choice we made, and we prepare to suffer.

I was scrolling fast on fb. Tbh I was looking for a post. Haha. Didn't find it anyway. I saw one photo,

"Not sure about love, but I believe in block at first sight."
This is literally me!

Block at first sight. Uh huh. Sometimes I think it's easy. For someone so unfriendly like me....  Back to college, seeing few snaps that made me feel so lost. June's gone? She left the college and went for further studies at US. And I didn't have any clue. Such a great friend huh? Block at first sight wasn't a joke. I feel bad for not knowing, not saying anything and she just left.

That's how life works. We both didn't put effort to bond well. And guess what, I'm not gonna put effort in anything else anymore.

Everytime I tell myself, fuck everything and concentrate on your studies! Then I fuck up my studies and overthink. This is how! How I screwed my spm, how I screwed my life. Yip man was damn right. These life dramas are just gonna screw up your life. It won't even stop!

When you're tired but you couldn't sleep, what do you do? Sit there and wait to die?

.

My mind is fucked.

I have a couple of customized notifications, but they all turn to uncustomized if I mute my phone. It's for class. Everyone has the same notification which is just yellow blink. Wood texted me.

Can you hear the shattering sounds, the screams? I can. Stop, stop. I cringe seeing his name, I think he'd give me a heart attack one day. It's not what he said in the conversation. It's what he used to say and I got nervous bout it. So nothing chaotic happened, it's a little plan. I felt like he finally wants to talk when I didn't want to talk. So we do need to meet up. 

But still I screwed up something else. 

For bio, we were learning energy and respiration. The fucked up chapter that I can't ever get myself to learn it. It's so complicated, but today, in class, I think it was worse than studying by my own. None fucking word get into my head. I think I learnt a bit, and fucked up rest of the chapter. 

If ONLY I could just turn off the damn phone during class, it'll be fine, wait, maybe not. Maybe I'll screw up after class is over. If only! Too late! Gosh! Shits gotta happen. Everything I do is a mistake. I go, I don't go. I hold tight, I let go. I miss, I stop. Every fucking thing. Nothing I do can ever just be fine. Right? WHY? 

Life is so conflicting. Can I ever do something without getting shits? Can I ever do anything and feel fucking free and glad to do it? NO! No. So fucking exhausted. 

I seriously wish one day I get into some fucked up accident and forget every fucking thing. Like everything. Forget everyone. Maybe just not my family. Everyone. Maybe I should just really. Stay away from people. Any fucking human. 

I wish I can live without blogging. For just one month. Let me sleep for a month. I don't wanna write anymore. But can I? Blog is like my only friend who doesn't do anything. Like it doesn't judge me. It doesn't tell me what to do. No advices. No judgements. It just lets me spill and spill and release anger, sorrow, anything. 

It's just useless. 

As long as I'm alive, I will never ever satisfy anyone. Might as well I fuck off. 

Chem class

Back to college! First damn class: Chemistry. Jaclyn has the tendency to give everyone chills. Gah I was excited, and she brought back all the pressure, the tension. Ok rewind. She's my chemistry lecturer. Pretty much one of the reasons I can say that I still have good lecturers.

"Paper 4 is hard because it includes everything you've learn, and paper 5 is very hard too, you get the complete experiment and you observe." (what if I'm too dumb to understand the experiment? ohgosh)

Seriously I like her teach. She's damn fast, but she made me study by my own just to catch up! I mean, very few people can make me such a good girl. Uhm. I'm gonna expect lots of exercises soon, then I'm gonna go crazy. Looking at her face makes me stress enough. But it's a good thing.

:D

Soft Epilogue

I realize we lie a lot especially about "I don't care". I don't care anymore. I let go. But have I? I did let go. I let go the urge to fix our relationship, that's all, right? I do care. I feel so conscious. Not blinded at all. A few crazy spams, I thought alot when I do that. Then I said them. It must be terrible. Maybe you believed me when I said I will never ever let go like I believed you. Who knows, when you broke your promise, I broke mine. Who knows, you were actually hoping, but didn't bother to let me know, leaving me playing your damn mind games.

If in the future we're still together, ....
A year. All of that is enough to tell me that "IF" will never happen.
Indirectly, wood, "us" will never happen anymore. From that fucking moment. It's already over.

Relationships are full of expectations, I guess? If they didn't broke up due to another person, it'll all be those damn expectations. You expect me to change my habits, I expect you to accept me loving to do things, she expects him to act for love madly despite her directions in life, he expects her to understand that he doesn't want to make her feel caged. All these shits lead to 'oh let's just fucking break up'. How wonderful! We care for each other so much and it made us all suffer. Stupid drama.

At least you don't do that to friends right?

Throughout the year, I texted the most with wood, yesterday. It wasn't like old times. Cross off the smiles, replace with anger and tears. I feel like the break up just happened yesterday. I was dumb af. Not anymore. Now I gotta keep my words. I say I give up, it means, I give up. I used to be so volatile that I can't keep my words. Today I say I give up, tomorrow I say I still love him. No, not anymore.

One year trying to fix us, it proved that I could live without your kisses, your care. I could live without you asking about my day, my life. I could live without tagging you, going out with you. I could smile too, very happily too. And better. I'll go have more piercings as planned. I can go out with my friends stressless, cuz I'm free from you. I'm free from anyone. I can do the things I like, I can sleep as late as I want, look at my Whatsapp as late as I want and not get any fucking pressure. I'm happier without you. One year proved all these. Of course there are still countless nights I get fucked up. One word from you, one comment makes my day go screwed. I fucked myself up because I care! Duh, I still do, but that doesn't change the fact that US will not have any future together.

One day, I'm gonna go for karaoke and sing all the sad songs without thinking of you, without missing you, without having that little painful inside. I'm gonna go through my stuff and mistakenly see the stuff you left behind, and I'll be okay. I'll fix my hardisk when I saved enough to do that. I'll flip through my photos and I'll delete our photos and not cry while doing that. I'll remove my whatsapp background, my laptop account dp. I'll remove our photos in fb that I've customized privacy "only me". I'll be so happy alone I forgot how happy you used to make me. Then when we go for badminton, I will not look at you that way anymore. One day, that will happen. And when I heard news about you moving on, I'll be happy for you too. I'll wish you happy with whoever your girl is.

I wish you learn how to let them out. Let her know about your thoughts, or else she will suffer too. Not just voluntarily squeeze time out just to be with her. It's not really fair. She has rights to know about it, cuz she cares too. You gotta let her know, and let her appreciate you. Maybe she'd tell you to go for them, go and be busy for yourself, cuz she wants you to be happy too. And please, believe her.

You're a great great guy. I love the way you describe your passions, the way you want to repay your family, the way you want to do for the society. You still do inspire me. I'll always remember the day we had training, and when I asked about your dream career. You were so bright. I was thinking, I want to be like this senior. I literally went back home and studied. :) I'll always remember that day when I said, wood I just had finals results, I'm sad. Motivate me. And you did. I really do appreciate everything you've done to me. Now on, I'll try to just remember about the great things you've done. It was great, right? 

Wood

And the fucking second time I thought it was over, you came back knocking my door. What do you want?

There's always gotta be a guy that makes you go blind, go mad, not yourself anymore. I found him. He left me. I tried to fix us, I thought I failed. I let go. He came back.

If it was me two months ago, I wouldn't hesitate and jump right into his arms. I'd go back to that life I thought I wanted. And go blind, be a fucking depressed person for life, convincing myself that I want this life.

Wood you were really clear when you broke us up. We aren't suitable for each other. You're toxic to my heart, and I'm chaos to your thoughts. Why come back? Think about the reason you broke us up. Think about it.

If you were me, would you even go back to you? A year. All you've done, you fucked up my life so bad, and now you say you care? Wood, no, you don't. If you care, you wouldn't treat me that way when I just purely wanted to fix us. You wouldn't do that to me, because you know how that tone could destroy me. You know how bad you're hurting me but you still did. You don't care. You don't and you never will anymore.

It's just someone new appeared in my feed, and that triggered something. You missed me. You missed all the attention I gave you.

Wood, I'm awake right now. Fully awake. You gotta know, how hard it is for me to tell you these stuff. You gotta know how bad I look when I tell you, "I decided to let go, be with whoever you wanna be with." It hurts, but it's how.

I let go, so please, you let go too.

.

I honestly thought everything was going fine. I thought I'm partially forgetting him. Partially moving on.

The dark, the music, it's so familiar.

I remember when we broke up, I didn't want to live anymore. Everyday, I avoided eye contact with my family, so they won't ask. I stayed in my bed all the time, so they don't have to see me cry. I always have a towel with me in bed, to cover my mouth. With loud music, so my sister doesn't have to hear any sound. I did it so well, she can actually tease me. Deep down, it hurts. But I gotta act like I'm just mad. In school, we sat in a circle. I was so sad I couldn't look at my friends without tearing up.

Depressed moments are over. Completely over. In more than a year, I tried everything. He was expecting something, I don't know what. I tried to talk. Clear things up. Unfortunately, I wanted to talk, he never responded. It's so unbearable. Wood. Do you know? Of course you don't.

I finally decided to give up. And you turned up giving me hope, telling me you were jealous. But wood. It's over. Even if You're still the top in my list, I pushed you away, too. It sucks because I didn't want to, but I must. I must make you leave my life. Why am I so depressed? I thought I was ready? Ready to lose this shit, relationshit or friendshit. I was prepared, but still, you turned up and gave me hope, and made me kick you out of my life.

We are indeed, unsuitable for each other. We're just two person that want each other, but couldn't be with each other. We're all complete by ourselves, relationships are supposed to enhance each others'life, intead, we ruined each other. The way you care fucked up my life. The way you tell me stuff tore me apart. So stop. This is it.

This is the first time, I think you sounded more vulnerable that I am. You're telling me things, and I have no idea what you're saying. Goodbye? Wood, you already said goodbye. You said Bye each time I tried to make up with you. You said Bye when I didn't want to leave. And now, you kept popping up in my notifications. Why? Wood, why?

The moment I said I give up, this is what you do? Wood you can fuck off now. As in fuck off my life. I'll cry for a day, and I'll get over you. I'll be ok afterwards. You? I don't care about you anymore.
When I said I'm tired of your bullshit, I mean it. Despite how many times you're gonna ask me to join your training, I won't go. Just mock me, look down on me, whatever. It won't work anymore, because I don't love you anymore.

.

Honestly I have no idea. I always told myself to expect the worst, but did I? "Don't hope." But deep down inside, I still do.

When plans are called off, leaving you hanging there like a dummy. Are you gonna say, expect everyone's gonna call off plans last minute?

Look around and ask yourself. Are those so called besties still around?
Fortunately yes. Fortunately.

Only wood left, the rest didn't. Then why? Why this negativity?

When you have one friend that's as same as you. Unsure but always comfortable together. "We'll enjoy while it lasts." It sounds like something bad's gonna happen. Did I expect something bad? Yes. But that couldn't stop me from worrying.

Even when I expect wood and I couldn't last, that didn't stop me from terrible break downs. That didn't stop all the worst suicidal thoughts, the insanity.

There's no way to stop all these. So, should I stop trying to push people away? The world is conflicting. Accept, it kills you. Try to avoid shits, it kills you too.

Now what?

1.30 and I'm trying to fall asleep. Perrrrrfect

Holiday

I planned a whole list of syllabus I have to reach in few days intervals for bio & chem, but I actually did nothing in three weeks of holiday. It's just too much holiday mood, I've had it even before exam ended. All I did was badminton, badminton, badminton, gain fats, sleep, drama. It's a very awesome life, but I went so broke, and so... wrong. It's just wrong to spend and spend like that, to have no curfews all the time, even when I'm having fun. 

So yesterday, I did the clean up. The 100% reorganizing my own stuff and shit. My room gets tidier and tidier each day, exclude the occasionally messed up laundry. I had a drawer of all uncatogerized stuff, now all well put and has the place it belongs to. Pure OCD. Yep. Boxes of memorable keychains and unmemorable ones, boxes of highschool memories, boxes of memories that should be thrown away but still kept. I put most of his stuff there. Most of them, cuz I realized I still miss him and didn't wanna put away all of them. There's just one tiny photo left in the wallet. 

Holidays are ending. I don't wanna regret. I felt like I'm going to, cuz there's still stuff expected to be done but not done yet: karaoke. Well, I can't believe I actually did it. Drama queen told me to expect nothing, so I didn't, but I still hoped. Dumb me. Moon made it happen. Very thankfully. It's the first time I get to control the remote, so I guess I just have to make sure he knows all the songs I've chosen. Fortunately, he knows sooooo many of Jay Chou's songs. And whatever I listen to. It's actually so awesome, but there's so little time! 

Karaoke makes people sentimental. Maybe just me? Idk. The lyrics make me think, make me sad, but just for a little while. It's still wood, I still think about wood a little too much. Maybe that's why it's still us at my laptop user dp? Maybe that's why it's still us in my whatsapp background. I feel like it's a need to remember. Remember it all, but put it aside just to remind myself. Let go, but don't really let go so I will never ever repeat the same mistake. Listening to them could possibly make me so depressed. Singing it crazily out loud helps release. All that frustration, it's finally over. I think it's cool to karaoke with just one person. I've always wanted to karaoke alone for once (that will definitely happen. Just me). I like to really have the chance to hear my own voice. How I sound, how it's like. Today I had the chance, I guess I wasn't so so bad? As long as it's in my range. Hm. Moon was crazy funny. Honestly wish we have more time so we could try more of his favorites too. Ughh actually felt bad. And he's sick! I could've easily called off the plan if I knew. 

It's an awesome day. Awesome holiday too. People promise what they think they can do for ten minutes. It's nice to listen, but not so nice if you're expecting something. What I learnt from life: expect the fucking worst. One thing I didn't expect from wood was a big bad break up before spm. Spending time with him, I knew it wasn't gonna last anyway. He had so so many lovely promises, some even sworn. Rivergrass had one too. I think he forgotten, maybe he didn't? Or the promise suddenly became too meaningless to be kept? Moon kept, a few so far. The main point is we karaoke'ed' together! Pure awesome. Thankyou for making my day being with me with your stuffy nose. 

Finding sentimental stuff in everything has became a habit. Legend of the blue sea is a freaking comedic drama. With one of my favorite actor, still, there's always a little sad fact in all lovely quotes. They aren't even real. Part of me wish it has a sad ending, cuz there's no such thing as happily ever after. Make it realistic, make us all broken because happiness is like a drug. It's so dangerous, and it makes you want to die when the source leaves. While part of me still hope for a happy ending, cuz it satisfies my little fantasy deep down inside. 

This is one of the holidays with the most ups and downs. It's a positive thing. I mean. Last year end too, but it was the most depressing year end. Holiday well spent, but not good enough cuz I was too lazy(wish I was hardworking). It's a satisfying one because I gained one potential best friend. Life, if you wanna take him away, I will be completely, speechless. Just please, don't do that to me anymore. Believing is such a risky, life-threatening thing, and I'm doing it.  How brave am I, lol. 

Tomorrow, I can start studying.