I finally understand why they say it's hard when you go further studies overseas. It's hard because you probably definitely get culture shock, thing's so different you can't cope, and maybe it's so alone.

I don't really know why but I don't even think I can cope being at Nilai. I went to find wood after violin class as usual. I missed him so much, I hugged him more than usual. It was comforting.

So today he turned on the tv to watch some women singles badminton live tournaments. And I just talked to him. I think I can cry talking about what's in my head. I think he doesn't really understand what's with me, and I wasn't really being that detailed.

I find myself constantly having mental breakdowns. I feel like there's no one really around, and it sucks. What I need, is alcohol. To make it numb, to make life easier. I need alcohol. And there it goes.

Maybe I don't need alcohol.

I don't even think anything helps. Talking to wood didn't help much. It's just at least I can feel him around. But it sucks. He lives as an intern and a student at the same time, in other words he's so busy that he can't even live normally, which also means that he's just no difference from being gone, exclude weekends..

Nothing helps! That's the point.

Sometimes I see my course mates' insta stories, they're so active. They're smiling. And I wonder, how do they do that ?

Smile ? Cuz it feels like shit inside. It's so forceful I have to find new things to do. It doesn't suit me. Good thing is jogging. But planning to jog daily at night. It's helpful, it makes me slightly less negative. I guess its a way.

Next sem I'm gonna consider joining badminton. Life sucks, and I need to do something about it.

Two more years to go, let's get tru this.

No one

I've been demotivated. I miss connection. I miss my friends. Idk what's with me. Ever since uni. No. Ever since college, everything didn't seem right. I had those friends which didn't seem to connect. We seemed close, but inside we all know we aren't. College friends were just.... Those kinds of friends, let alone uni.

I thought I had a group of real ones. But it seems like after I dove into a relationship with wood, they disappeared. When was the last time I blog? It was a draft. It was about them too. Hah.

I just knew. All my life I had about two to three really close friends. And they all are so far away. And when I thought I had new real ones, I don't know. They just disappear, too. It was my fault anyway. Get over it. I'm the one going away. I'm the one who has arm problems. I'm the one stopped joining them. They probably think I've forgotten about them. I think they've forgotten about me, too.

Maybe ET hasn't. But the rest, gone, gone, gone.

I feel like I'm isolated. I'm disappearing. It's so alone. It's like Wood's training me to be alone too. Other than a little gift, even arrogant put more effort. Idk. I miss yip man. I think the only reason we got along was because we were both lonely. I'm a talkative person despite the situation. I had no one, and she was always coincidentally placed next to me, so I talked to her. So often that she's my bestie.

Maybe I'm just suitable to be isolated. Drinking with a bunch of older alcoholics wasn't me too. ET and I could have different conversations because we sometimes hang out one to one. Moon, same case. I'm just not fit to have a bunch of someone.

The thing is, I couldn't find the someone here in inti. Angel has yy as her someone. I hang out with them two I don't even know why. They're like a pair of hostel potatoes. Ok sorry. I mean they just stay in the room all damn time.

Do you get me? There's just no one.