.

I can't believe this. Mom bought clothes for us. It's Tshirts again, but.... Nice Tshirts. I look hideous tbh. I was putting on those clothes, thinking why this couldn't match that. Why this couldn't match this. Why ? I have to go shopping. I need blue jeanish shorts, maybe that could go well.

But then again if I think hard... I already have them. I just couldn't fit in them. Honestly, if I have that fucking perfect body, everything would match everything. Fuck.

All I have to do is fucking lose weight. Yeah. I don't need to buy anything. Just fucking lose weight.

I have to admit, I'm getting fat. Day by day, I never really controlled my diet. I started ab workout from YESTERDAY right after weighing myself. Fuck this! I don't get how my motivation died.

It's worst when people you never met for a long time says that you're fat behind your back. Hey. I rather you say it directly to me, that would make a deeper stab, maybe you'd make me quit supper ever since.

Or maybe all I have to do is just......

Quitting beer.

I think it's fucking sad. When you discovered another thing that you really like, but you couldn't continue to like it. It makes me fat, as fast as spaghetti does, but then again, if I workout daily, can I still drink?

To think of it, I've only known ET and Loong for probably around nine months. Fuck. That's not long at all. But it felt like I've known them for so long. Probably because we often meet up. So I've started drinking for seven months.

I think it's inevitable tho. Everything in life lingers around that. Not gonna explain how and why. Oh well today I had a realization.

Every Wednesday after class I'd walk to the end of the row of shops, and sit there. There was nothing much, just a kopitiam with terrible food. I'd read my book, and play my phone. There'd be two person hanging around too, each constant Wednesday. Well today they told me to go over and sit with them. I went, so we talked.

They work in the pub. It's pretty obvious, cuz the guy wears a Tshirt with "Asahi" printed there. The people around there drinks a lot. I'm not joking. The whole fucking row of shops,,,, half of them are bars and bistros. Even when it's not, you can get alcohol easily there. There's even a shop called "Wine kaki". A very cool place. Whenever I passed by, the entire shop is decorated with wine bottles. It's filled with wine! Fucking high end shits. 

I remember when I was little, dad said these places are dangerous. Only adults are allowed to enter. Now I know, that's not exactly true. Lol. You still get to see older peeps struggling to open the whiskey box. You get to see peeps just drinking sparkling juices or tea. There's even a cupcake shop, and a CAT CAFE. I should visit there someday. But I felt like it's not possible anymore. I'm going away.

Many things aren't possible anymore.

Sometimes I'd imagine myself in uni, staring at the walls just because I couldn't blend in. What if I couldn't blend in? Before I went to college, I was so afraid at the same thing, I took every opportunity to go out with them. It was like... Like a business meet thingy. Maybe this is why I never really got super close besties like those from highschool? Maybe this is why. Maybe I just didn't let my heart connect with theirs. I suck. Ugh.

But then again, I will get new friends. Maybe I have to trust people. People are gonna betray us. They'd judge us. But this is a good risk. Right? At least there is a chance of getting true friends. Why am I thinking so much?

There are people I care about right now. People that makes me appreciate the time being here rn. Come on. I'll get a new life there and I'll enjoy it. Maybe I won't miss here so damn bad.

They aren't gonna fade away. We'd still play badminton. They'd still invite me along to drink. We'd go out randomly for supper, or maybe just to talk and talk and talk. We gonna singk, we're gonna have fun.

Fucking oblivious. Why am I like this. Zzz ish.

Today's badminton is like the second last time with them. It makes me fucking sad tho. Even tho I don't know this weds squad so well. They're still nice, if we notice.

There's organizer, his sister, Sing, Z, Jef. I'm probably never seeing them soon after I start degree. Haih. Ish. They've played for 10 years, I asked. So 3 years aren't that long. I'll be gone for a bit, but I'll be back every sem break, every tiny holiday. And it'll be awesome.

Gah. Stahp ok sleep.

Catch ups

I kept reminiscing about Sunday, Loong's very tipsy wild attitude. It was hilarious. Damn. But then again, I think he did revealed some of that wildness when we hang around after badminton...

Did you think we were gonna let you go on your 21th birthday?
With that expression. I'll remember that. Definitely.

Somehow I'm pretty nervous. What are they gonna do? Make me drunk? That would be my second year to degree. Will I still be here? Will I choose a twinning program thingy and fly off? I have no idea.

Today I went out with LCW. Well, it was supposed to be last Thursday. Life was busy. Mom booked my evening too, but he asked to postpone, so I gave the night to mom. I wonder why, how do I stay occupied during this break? I go out with friends, so much. I can't believe it. Haha.

Before that, I weighed myself and finally found the motivation to begin abs workout. Yeah. I stopped for awhile. Terrible, eh? I found videos, ways. I have to maintain that shit until I get my body back. Faaak. Aaaaand then I went out for fattening food.

It was good catch up. Even tho sometimes I might ask myself, is it a good idea to go out with a guy? My last mistake was terrible. Going out with one guy is very extremely dangerous. We never know what their intentions are. Even if they don't have intention, going out with a guy means...... Telling him I feel pretty secured with you.

I can't believe we really actually bumped into Moon when we went for second round. I half expected that tho. He didn't look surprise at all, weird. Bleh. We drank. Ok not we. Just I drank. One small amount wouldn't do harm.

Catching up with LCW.... Seems different. He's like one of my oldest friends who knew all about my past. I used to hate prefects so much, when he stood at the opposite side, I smashed him every opportunity I could, just to release the grudge I have against prefects. I'm glad he made me unhate him. Haha. He's a crazy god-like person. The one who couldn't really fail anything. The example of someone who's definitely gonna success like crazy.

Back home I was trying to make up with my fam. Dad, especially. I made him watch Legend of the blue sea. Great laughing therapy. Then moon came.

AH I KENOT. I'm not kidding. I have a lot, a lot to update. I'm not sure what you know yet and what you knew. But there's so much I didn't tell you yet. I just hate using whatsapp tbh. Telling face to face is just much better. Look at how I suddenly could bear the shit weather just now. Trust me, if you can stand it, I'd talk a lot more. Ahaha.

Until next time. :3 GAH. I can't believe we hadn't been meeting up for this long that I couldn't finish spilling everything.

Maryland

I just got back with smelly badminton attire. But I have to type a little before I bathe. I guess.

If Loong and gold confesses, who'd you pick?
I didn't give him an answer.
I said, ask me again when we're drinking. Haha.

Today wasn't so tense. Everything was ok, except my form. I played very badly, but this quite old looking guy I met kept telling me he's impressed. Hey. I really am in a terrible form. Don't come praising me. I know how terrible I played. ET saw that too lol. I guess he was most familiar with my playing.

Swt brought a girl. I'll call her Maryland. Yas, chicken Maryland. HAHA. She's just slightly younger than everyone else but actually the most innocent one there. It's fun seeing ET interrogating her. Very funny, and entertaining. So fun to watch. And the stuff she studied was partly related to what I'm gonna study. Nais.

It wasn't awkward seeing ET and cinnamon acting lovey dovey. I actually got used to it. And I think it's nice to see him happy. If not mistaken, there was once I heard him laugh. Not the crazy laugh out loud laugh. The very gentle laugh that I never heard before they got together. Let's hope she doesn't let him down.

The quite old looking guy wants to partner me to competitions. I needed to facepalm in my heart. Sorry to say, we wouldn't stand any chance. I spent enough money on playing, not gonna waste more on matches that we can't win. He found the wrong girl. We don't stand any chance. I think he overestimated himself too tho. Not gonna tell.

Today I succeeded on not having supper. It was pretty hard to resist. But I had to convince myself. I didn't play good enough, so I can't eat. ET said I'm looking rounder. Mom said that too. I'm sed. This week is like the last damn chance to keep that fucking weight.

Anyways today's overall highlight was Maryland. I thought it was hard to find innocent girls like her at her age. Let's hope she doesn't get corrupted soon. Let's hope swt doesn't corrupt her.

ET was like look at yh we made her the current her, I always tap her.
Hell yeah of course I was thirsty. I was always thirsty.

But they didn't corrupt me.
I corrupted myself, under their watch. That's all. But I only allowed that to happen because I trust them.

I'm excited for next week. <3

Badminton after a week

I tucked some souvenirs into her palms. And talked about how dramas happened at LA.

Does he like these stuff?
He's probably okay with them.
Awesome.

I'm trying not to reveal anything haha.

Badminton was awesome.

This is almost the first time I covered someone all I could. I tried backing up for pooh, and cinnamon too in different matches. It was tough. I'd do much better without the pain in my foot. Zzzz.

Supper with these guys are comfortable. These peeps make me feel home. Honest shit. Hahaa.

I like how Light creates opportunities for me. I asked, what do I do in that situation? He taught me, and tries to recreate the situation for me to try.
I like how crisp trusts me to let me set the game, and I can definitely feel the trust over there.
I like how most of them can trust me tbh. Haaha.

They don't treat me like a newbie kiddo. Which makes me hapi.

Let's plan it after the trip, so I can get you more stuff.
That sounds awesome.

I'm just praying that you hasn't tried that yet.

Chaotic post LA

The heartbreaking scene when Phoenix had tears rolling down her cheeks, she said,
I only know, love brought us together. We're here sitting together because your parents see how great the camp is, so they brought you here. You're flipping tables because you love our leader.

LA didn't teach us how to handle chaos.
It taught us how to stay sane when chaos happens. When life brings you lemon, you make lemonade, I guess.

I want to flash back, and think about what I can do. But there's nothing I can do. I can only stay sane, and try not to get affected by chaos.

When Sus went mad, the only thing we can do, was to keep quiet and let her speak her mind out. Even if it's... shouting her mind out. The only thing we can do was to listen, and try to support her.

Mad people aren't happy people. They only go mad because they aren't feeling right. They use the angry face because they don't really know what face they can put on. They don't wanna show weakness.

I can sit here and type all day, while knowing how crazy chaotic the situation is, downstairs. I can feel mom weeping for many many shit stuff and dad yelling for no reason.

What is this?

LA tells us how to live our life happier. Sometimes, I thought. Is it right not to be affected by shits? When everything's just wrong, and I can fucking calm every part of me. But that doesn't help the situation. That helps me. That only helps me to not worsen the situation.

I don't know what to do, man.

We make our hearts calm, to improve the life of people that care. Or do we need to worsen the chaotic shit then calm, to make a contra?

Post Taiwan

When I came back from Taiwan, something's changed. I have a feeling that I don't really feel so extreme about stuff anymore. Everything's good in moderation.

I don't have to be obsessed to check on someone just because of a nightmare of him dying. I don't have to think about everyone so crazy frequently just because Im going away, cuz for them, they're still busy, they have work.
I don't even know if that's a good thing. But it happened, so why not?

I've been thinking about the crazy huge incident that happened in Taiwan. Her name's Sus. The prettiest girl in our team. The whole incident of her exploding, everything she's said, the scene that the rest of the team members cried, they all appeared. Everyday in my heart. Honestly it's heart breaking. LA has never had such huge mess happening when I was there. I never witnessed chaos in LA before.

Honestly I was a little off, after shits happened. I don't think I can bear with her words. They seem so right, but so wrong at the same time. It's not right at all, man. We don't create chaos when we're unhappy with the situation. We don't hit people, bash people, just because you care. We all care. Doing things you should do must have a moderation. So you're conflicting yourself.

On the fourth day in Tw. We headed to our hotel by bus, from the campsite, then walked to a Japanese bistro kind of place. It satisfies my heart because I was just craving for alcohol. I'm not sure what we drank tho, cuz the writings were in Japanese. But the girl beside says it tastes like cocktails. Vodka plus juices? Never tried that but it sure tastes good as hell. Then there's the rose ale. It tastes like stout with rose and more gas. Which is good. A great night spent with two Malaysians and seven China peeps. The food was too good. Too fucking good. The topic was cringe worthy. It was a coincidence that six of the girls were from the same camp team. While I'm there with just me in my team. They call Sus "little chili". Yes it's well named. But I didn't like the feeling knowing much bout people talking bad about her anyway. The night was young, but they all aren't drinkers. I had two glasses of the cocktail like drink, plus a glass of rose ale. It wasn't enough. But one of the girls had a glass of cocktail and she started speaking mad. It was so so funny, seeing people get tipsy. It reminds me of crumby. And maybe everyone from ET squad. And I miss them.

The most frustrating moment about shopping for good stuff, is not knowing what to buy. I have quite an amount of people I want to give stuff to. But I only have this little ability. I had to hand carry the luggages. I had to carry my 5kg luggage around and 3kg slingbag. Can I carry more? 10kg to a plane? With so much to walk, I almost died. I bought a bit of stuff anyway. For family, and friends.

I wanted to buy more, luckily I didn't. I struggled to walk. The flight was actually awesome. I had four hours of different views for an evening. Meaning, there was a moment the sun shines right into my eyes, a moment of beautiful sunrise, a moment of city lights. Looking down makes me happy. The city getting tinnier, vanishing. The sea as blue as itself, with the clear blue sky then slowly with fluffy clouds. And when the clouds's shadows reflected on the sea. It's pure beauty. Fucking awesome. There are times when the sky fogs up, that's when everything turns blurred, and the sun shines right into the blurness, soothing our eyes, shaking the damn plane. I swear, I spent half the time on the window, and half the time on my book. I still managed to almost finish my book. It was a good book.

I'm happy to be back. I enjoy being home. The trip was worthy. It gives me new perspectives. It gives me great views. Overall...

But things changed too tho... Here.

I think, the first ones I've contacted after my data worked, was moon and Loong. It wasn't the same. I know, I was pretty busy..

I told my parents about the incident. We ate mamak. I love mamak so much. I miss it.

I created an insta account, and it was empty when I fell asleep without doing anything.

I woke up with my sister's alarm and we were almost late so I sped 140km/h to violin class. I swear I was tired af I didn't feel like going. Violin teacher wasn't being crazy anymore. I'm very very relieved to say. I'm not scared of how he reacts anymore.

I got into contact with a few peeps that we've lost contact. Winner. He was damn different from when we were form2. Then the badminton fucking pro guy. Why would he text me? Lol I was confused, but oh well.

Wood accepted my follow request. SURPRISINGLY. He requested to follow me too! Hmm.

Calvin Yong. The nightmare of my badminton childhood. I accepted his follow request. He texted me, and I allowed him to have my number. Fucking hell. Am I regretting it? I think I am.

Moon wasn't acting right. Sometimes I wonder if it's because of me not treating him right. I didn't text him throughout the trip. I snapped many peeps but I know, I didn't snap him at all.
But when I bought the food. I bought one pack with little ones that I can give out, and another pack with three packs inside. I felt like I want to give the three to top priority. And I'm certained, I wanna give the bigger one to him. Up to now, we didn't have a normal convo. Isn't that weird?

Sometimes I imagine. If I go to degree, and get a workload that tires me out more than the camp does... Am I gonna cut off contact with everyone in my life? What about them?

So, what do I do now?

.

Violin class went ok.

I was walking to the class, thinking bout what I told Loong yesterday right after eating. So I have to tell him? I have to tell him. Trust me, I was nervous af. Firstly I told him to treat us all students equally in terms of fee. Then, throughout the class I tried to stay still. Look away and focus on playing, and rest lesser. It worked. He hasn't had the chance. I was distant too, probably. At the end, I didn't get to tell him. But at least I feel safe throughout this session. Phew.

Then I'm thinking about LA. Ok I'll be gone for a week. Maybe I should ask moon out for supper. Maybe I should start packing. I've been anxious over degree shits. I've been thinking about everyone, like I'm about to die soon. I swiped thru all the photos and smiled crazily for no reason.

Life is gonna be fine. Ugh. I'm worried bout LA too. What if that girl is in our group? I'm so not gonna spill anything. The only damn reason I've agreed on going was to get over wood. Mom signed me up last last year probably year end. Now there's no reason I go tbh. But maybe I can figure out degree shits there? Yeah.

I noticed whenever I frustrate over something, I sit there. I try to figure it out for hours, then I take a long nap, and wake up even shittier.

Ooh I am so, so dead.

.

Everyday I'm thinking. I'm easily shaken by people's words. They like to ask me, what am I doing for degree? Then I wouldn't like to answer that. And when I do, they say, it's gonna be hard. There wouldn't be much job opportunities. But when I look up in the internet, it's not that hard too. Many are hiring. Like many.

At the end, they'd say, you might end up doing marketing stuff. But it's no difference anyway. You can study anything and end up doing business. So why not study something interesting? Everyone's gonna judge. So fuck them all. Fuck them all.

I feel so stucked. Am I seriously going to study this, or not? Should I just go for business instead? Haha. Fuck this shit. Maybe I can really go for business then continue dad's all time effort. Maybe I could just do that and save all the bullshit.

Time is running out. I'm wasting each and everyday. I'm living like a piece of shit. I don't even have things to stress about.

What are you going to do when you come out?

I don't know? Depends. It depends, honestly.
I finished A levels with not so pretty results. I still have chance to pick art over science. I still could pick anything. Literally anything.

I don't know what I want.

Fuck my life, man. What am I gonna do when everyone's like that?? The fuck.

I have less than one month to make a decision. In one month, it's either apply, or quickly think about what else I want to go for.

What to do? I'm afraid of making decisions that I'd regret. If I don't get a nice job... They're gonna say something. Even if I get a job related to what I study, they're gonna say something.

Why can't I just ignore people and fuck them all?? But should I choose this ??

There's a safe route. There's a risky route.
Safe route: go for business then continue dad's, no one can say anything cuz... I'd be a good daughter for doing that.
Risky route: go for what I want,
If I don't get a job, there's always dad's job.
If I get a job, it might be away from here. It might be a job non related to what i study for degree. In other words, I wasted the money.
Or I'd miraculously get a job not too far away.

Fuck life.