Cray weekend

These two days were super odd days. Partly because Angel (my classmate) came back to pj with wood and I. Plus yesterday's argument with wood. Maybe it was just my insecurities. I was upset over Wood's way of coaching me. It even got me thinking about quitting badminton. How can I ever quit badminton? Quit badminton just to prevent arguments? That is so not me. Nothing lasts forever, I should make decisions for my own, my selfish own, not us. Because I know nothing lasts. My passion towards the non living lasts. Badminton's not gonna leave, wood would. It was really a painful thought. I cried so much thinking about these shits. And it was such a hard thing to stop and to go home. Even scary when I opened the door, Angel was sitting on the floor.

Angel stayed at my place for a day. She was pretty paiseh. But I think my family was weird enough to make her comfortable. I skipped nap for her, woke early for her. Crazy huh. But napping was postponable. Idc I slept back anyway. After violin class, we were ready to go for dinner. And Angel came home with her bf. It was a little schedule messed up. But everything was good. They joined us for dinner. Us as in my fam, and kaitoishan's fam. Her bf seems like a very independent guy. Way different from imaginary impression. I thought it was a little paiseh for them to suddenly meet my relatives, and even my grandma from mom's side. But they have their Ipoh talk that I wouldn't ever have with Grandma. Crazy! Angel was showing a lot of wow expressions. She said our fam is so arty. And that I have loads of talents. It's actually not true. I know that. Our fam was cray.

Dinner is well. Kaitoishan brought his gay friend Hen along. I met him for the second time. The guy was still doing AS. Tough thing, but he seems cool. The atmosphere was pretty good. I briefly introduced my mother side to them. Cray. It was a long meal. Then we went back home. Angel and her guy are both pretty talkative and socialable. It's good. I think. Super good. My mom had so much convo with her, with him too. He opened up to us, and actually told us about why our dinner was enjoyable to him. That laughter. That happiness and jokes. It's fun. And he never had that because his fam was mentally separated, with his slow bro. And because of the bankruptcy, he wasn't stable to further study. I got the wrong idea before.. I thought it was his decision not to continue. Sympathy. I suddenly feel really sorry for him, but happy that he's doing well. I hope life gives him loads of luck. He's a hungry guy. I never had the chance to think how lucky I am. I'm really lucky to have a fam that's this... Crazy. I'm lucky that our fam is fun and talkative. Gosh...

Life is good, I hope I manage it better.

After they left, my sis and I had a talk. She told me about her little student that laughed about anything, and another student that wants to learn aural. And about poon. She's a fierce violin teacher that's always fierce. I said, that's wrong in all ways. Then she said, but she has her good side. She speaks to the students' parents to tell them how to help them improve. She teaches them seriously because she wants them to improve. Actually, if that's the case, it's good. This world has so many teachers who only briefly teaches and not care about the students if they're learning.. That sounds just like wood. Trying to teach me, but I did interpret it wrongly. I overthink, I screwed. I'm sorry. You want me to improve. I know. I just want you to love me more than wanting me to improve.... But I'll do this. I'll try harder, I will not quit.

I'm gonna appreciate everyone.

Fuck negativity and embrace the cool stuff.

Kaitoishan asked me, yh, so do you regret choosing BBTEI? I said, I will not let myself regret. Honestly I'm still doubtful about my choice. I'm afraid of so many shits. But at the same time, I don't have time to regret. At least I think I can't regret. As long as I live, I'll make all the time worth living. There's no such thing as wasting time if you learn something. Even if BBTEI can't get me to a high salary ideal job, as long as I learn, that's worth the time anyway.

Arm

As the amount of times I play badminton reduce greatly... Yes it gets better. My arm gets better. At the same time, I get fatter. I get tired easily. I'm always super tired. I don't know why.

I feel the need to get back to court. It's just not right. Fucking hell. It hurts more to not play. Why is it not really completely recovering? I did everything he told me to do. I rest, I work out on the parts that are weak, but it's not gonna heal. Isn't it?

This is why, when I say "they will never get better," I mean it. It's not a curse. It's fact. Even breaking up heals better than this arm shit. Terrible.

No more badminton

Maaaaybe it's not a good idea to play badminton for three days consecutively like that. Well, due to tsunami plus sick plus exams, I skipped training. I skipped everything. Two weeks without badminton can really kill. But not playing then playing back could kill more. It was addicting, it was satisfying. But I could feel my entire body screaming stop.

Friday night, ankle screamed.
Saturday training replacement, ankle screamed louder, then arm starts to say stop. Midnight I told wood, I really miss them, I wanna join badminton a bit. He said, okay we'll join. I didn't expect that answer. Loong said it was full slot tho.
Sunday training, arm says, fuck you I'll kill you.
It didn't hurt. It was just weak.
After training, Loong said, there are slots.

I know if I tell wood that my arm's dying, he'd kill me for still going to second round. But I miss them. So I went anyway. It wasn't thaat bad. Lifting the arm was weak. But once it's up there, I play normal.

But it's not normal at all after all these. We went for a dinner, a movie. I realized I had to use my left arm to lift my right arm. It's totally fucked up. I know. This is terribly scary. Even scarier that wood noticed me doing this in the cinema.

Do you get me? I spend a lot of effort lifting my arm to the table, but once it's on the table, cutting the chicken was effortless. It's the lifting that's problematic. Fuck.

And he told me my right arm was burning hot compared to left. Which indicates inflammation. Is that normal? ... Ice it. Ice it fucker.

I'm actually really sad that I got my arm fucked.

I wonder what really caused this. Badminton for three days? Or for two rounds today??? This is terrible. Did you hear the alarm? The signs telling me that it's over? It's over. I'm done for Loong squad. Life wants me to quit them. I stopped drinking. I stopped joining them for badminton. I feel like life officially told me that the phase with them is done. But that's not fair!

I'm so pissed.

I feel like badminton has always been the thing that impacts my life greatly. So greatly it made me the saddest and happiest person living. Everything, were caused by badminton. It all happened because of badminton. And now look at me. I think I lost a life. And life's not mario. You don't go game over and retry. You die and die forever.

So fucked up, what is life ???

......

It's my fault.

Wood

Today we had clarifications. Haha. Finally, he's taking me seriously abt the middle finger. I seriously hate people who points me with that fucker. I don't mind if you point anyone else in the world. But to me? We're not friends anymore.

We had mcd after badminton. It was nice playing badminton after around two weeks. I'm 90% recovered, only left the shitty throat.

Today we had some serious talk.

Wood asked me about if I liked the boys. Moon, Loong, ET. I told him, for Moon maybe it sparked for a very short period. Cuz I couldn't stand many of the things he do, sparks went dead. Then for Loong, I told him that I like how gentleman he is, maybe that's all. Yeah.

He said
You definitely like ET. ET has the highest potential to be your bf. I can see how you look at him.

So this is where his insecurities come from...

I told him, nah. Maybe yes abt the highest potential. But nah. Cuz he's like a big brother. Like a long lost friend. He's the type that would never betray you. The kind of friend you'd run to and he'd be there for you. He'd see you starting to type paragraphs and straight away suggest to meet up instead.

He's fine with my answers.

It's cool how we can talk about stuff.
Sometimes I struggle to tell. There'd be battles in my heart. I'd have an inner tug of war. Usually, silence wins. But recently, we can talk.

Usually he'd melt me easily. He can make me really annoyed but make me smile back in seconds. It's cool how that happened.

It's cool how we happened.

Congratulations on patching back with your ex.
Thanks my friend. Miracles do happen when both parties work hard for it to happen. All we have to do is believe. I guess...

We're a month old. We can do better.

A levels changes people

Days are getting different. Everything is different.

Most of my friends are pretty busy studying different different things. Joker flying to Russia for medicine, class rep too but Idk what he's up to, no updates. Orange too, medicine but local. Shell doing food science, stomata going for dentistry. Me, biotech.

All is different.
My grades are different.

Okay, maybe it's A levels. Maybe A levels changed me. I think my understanding is getting better and better. At least much better compared to highschool. I talked to sis about it, highschool was like preschool. It just happened suddenly, passed suddenly.

Four subjects.

I remember how weird I've been. My science and math used to be 100% during primary school, then math gradually went down, while I failed science at form 1. I thought it was a language changing issue. It was so bad. I think going overseas to study has this risk. I'd waste all that money and time retaking shits just because I don't understand slangs. Even in local, I fucked up once. Not gonna fuck up twice.

Thanks to Wood's inspiration, I went back up. Thanks to Wood's inspiration, I realized I can do better.

Well there will always be a period that he wasn't there. During A levels. Shits happened. It has the tendency to lower my interest towards bio, and raise that of chem.

If you ask me, now, how did everything went? In among four subjects, the one I got the most stable A is chemistry. Isn't it weird? And my mind told me, yh you suck at chem so you have to be super focus during class. I did, and I thought everything was so fucking easy.

I was so nervous during lab. Thanks to A levels, I got better. During highschool I'd walk into class, do the experiments guided by my lab mates, while I actually never knew what exactly I was doing. But A levels got me clear. Even tho I'd walk into class blur, but at the spot we get the procedure, so everyone else was equally blur. On the spot, we took practical exam like that.

In uni life it's so different. We do the practical during lab. We can fuck up our experiments, we can read the procedure any time we want, as in we can study it well way before class. I'm so not used to this. I actually feel pretty comfortable walking into class then only start investigating the experiments. I can't believe I prefer walking into class being blur, then being clear as anyone else.

I think I'm changing. I'm being weird. People study beforehand. I don't. But I still think they're blurrer than I am. I never actually felt this way. I have a lab mate which is the blurrest person I've seen in my entire life. I used to think I'm so anxious abt lab. I had to depend on my lab mate, I need guidance. But now I'm the one guiding kitty??

If you ask me about my grades, I can proudly tell. Even tho I think it sucked. It sucked because the questions were soooo easy I should've gotten 100 instead of an uglier A-.

In conclusion: A levels changes people.
IT'S TRUE. IT'S FUCKING TRUE.

Or is it?

Throughout all these years, I had such an important realization. This is why my sister never lives unhappily.

This is why I'm getting more positive over time?

If you ask me, I'd say, FCUC sucks. You wanna take A levels? Go sunway. Go Help. Anywhere just don't go FCUC. But at the same time, have I regret?

No. If you ask me, actually it's not A levels that changed me. It's accumulative events including breaking up, getting to know this bunch of adult friends, and of course how tough A levels are, plus how ignorant the lecturers are. Breaking up taught me how to be alone, smiling. These adult friends taught me how to move on. A levels taught me how to think under stress and short of time. Ignorant lecturers taught me how to be independent. Everything.

If you don't rant, if you don't complain, you accept your fate, then you have the space to learn. You made your decision, you don't wanna regret, so you make everything worth your time. You learn.

At the end ask me. Do you regret?
No, I never.
That doesn't make FCUC a good school tho.

Middle

When you're in the second layer of the burger. You get tucked inside the layer just under the bread part. The one on top is just the bread part. Not to say that it's not important, but... Least important compared to the bottom meat and all. Ok, bad metaphor.

When your close friend breaks up with his girl, while the girl is also your friend. When you finally hear stories from both parties, but your heart sides your friend. Your rationality sides your friend. When you think again and again, but still couldn't think about anything from the girl's side.

I tried to think, what if my closest besties replace this girl. The conclusion is still: you hurt him. But it happens, sometimes we all became the bitch. Sometimes, it just happens.

I was pretty damn nervous when she texted me. Honey. When I know what happened, I didn't immediately texted him to ask about what happened. I didn't ask you too of course. I care about you both, but if anyone I could ask, I only could hope for the best for both of you. But I know, I'm far away. I'm here, you are there. The only thing I could do is just wait, wait for the opportunity. I feel sorry, but I can't just bug in like that, it felt wrong.

I heard his story, and I was scared that she'd text me. It happened anyway. I didn't know what to say. "You're a bitch"? We're not even that close. Maybe we are. You've seen me in my ugliest form. You've seen me cry squatting in front of a basin. You've seen me drink and gotten high. You've seen me with my love.

Maybe we are close. But I don't trust you that much, honestly. There were bad impressions. I'm sorry for judging before knowing enough. Rumors are created for a reason. There will always be some parts true there. There will always be a reason if you get hated by your home team. Bad impressions doesn't make you a bad person, but proven events that comes after it makes you one.

After all, you broke him.

Hun how can you be ready to commit then not ready? It doesn't go the other way round. If you have that issue, you don't accept the guy. You don't waste his time, his life. He could've been out there, and could've found someone way worth everything than you. And not just getting restless nights thinking about what to do with you. If you have that issue, you say no. You let yourself suffer, you don't let the both of you suffer.

I was pretty damn speechless.

Yes. There's no right or wrong. But please judge yourself. Were you right, or were you wrong?

Thank you for being honest with him tho. So he'd leave you earlier and prevent further damages. So please really leave him alone. Why don't you?

The sweetest ever

When I was little, I was a violent little girl. Okay maybe I'm still, just not in terms of actions. I used to hit boys with books. By that, I created enemies.
At that time, I thought the sweetest thing I heard from a boy was:
Don't worry, I'm here so he can't hurt you.

When I was in my first ever relationship, the sweetest thing I ever heard from him was: I'll be your first, and your last.

At my first break up, my sweetest friends were there. When I wanted to die, my very bestie was there for me to talk to. Even when one was far far away, she called from there, to make sure I was okay.

When I had a terrible argument with him, I was so down, so broken. And my very favorite bro asked me to talk to him. Tell him everything. So I did, briefly. He said, if one day I found out that he hurt you, I'll never let him live the rest of his life in peace.

The sweetest ever friends will remain. What was I afraid of? Losing them?

When you used to see each other two to three times a week, then suddenly not seeing for a month.

It seemed like I never left. I'm cutting down alcohol, but friends you can keep will always be there. They give you the most important updates because they know you care. They update, and make sure you don't miss out anything too badly.

I didn't want to bother you with these.

Hey friend. You never bother me.

What is the matter?
My phone and laptop screens are all bored at looking at me. I guess you are too, at me.

No I'm not.

I found myself easily satisfied by Wood's kisses. Haha.

You can do anything. But at the end of the day, show me that you care, show me your way of making up to me. Give me a two minute hug. Give me pecks. That would make up with the fact that I was unhappy, even.

Crazy, huh.

Change

ET texted me for a super random work related thing which I'm obviously the wrong person he was looking for. But because of that, I asked him, how's life, how's everything, is everything fine. And his response was.. pretty heartbreaking.

I finally get why wood thought he needed to help me out of some shits I got myself into.

A person who's always telling you to not club and drink much, who sees your fast food and mamak snaps while worries crazily about your health... When she started drinking and all, skipping meals, cursing her own fucking life to end immediately, just after what you've done and she gets so fucked up that alcohol helps her release the shits, the tears and the words she couldn't speak of in front of people......

The most talkative and cheerful friend who has always been a big brother to you who helps you get over your living nightmares, help you live without fear by sitting with you in a car at 4am for an entire hour just to heart talk to you, so they disappear eventually, and to bring you out for a short night just to figure out how to let you be okay again... when that friend starts to get his own nightmares because of his traumas... That he gets antisocial and untalkative... You can sense the shatter in those texts, those "no worries".. 

When the boy you looked up to, the brightly shining senior who gets his transformation which shared his story that inspired you to reach where you are right now.... starts to give up hope on studies.... Playing games before exam dates and says "this is not my field".. what happened to everything is possible? What happened to as long as the shuttle has not touch the ground, you go for it? What about sleep when you're done, not when you're tired?

Wood's saw me going corrupted. He probably pulled me out of that. He pulled me out of alcohol addiction. He pulled me out of "everything and everyone is temporary." For now. Okay he hasn't pulled me out of that. Now I believe that he loves me and he will stay, but that doesn't count if it's three years later.

Look at the people change. Even arrogant. He's getting slow! That's too unlike him. I don't know. I don't usually get impatience with him, but I did just now.

I think my life has got to a very beautiful climax. Wood is with me. I'm happy. I miss the Loong ET squad but we'll catch up soon. Shell and orange has gone to study, joker is leaving soon. Everyone is busy.

Destiny doesn't want my life to be perfect. That's why I'm always an average student. I guess... No matter how hard I work, it it exceeds the point, I get sick. Like how it happened now, like how it happened during A2. It doesn't want me to study that much. It wants me to stay low, stay average, stay a suckish student. I'm gonna have to prove life wrong.

And the others?

Wood is facing things. He's so hopeless I'm feeling so fucking worried. I wanna earn money to get him to his dreams. For that I have to work harder to get a better result. I've been thinking about Angel's freelance offer too. I get free training, and it earns a lot. Damn lot. I've been thinking about money. This is not my field. Then what is your field? Quit this and go for it. Better than hanging around fucking everything you're doing rn... It breaks me to see him like that. It kills me. It's like sitting at the corner of my room banging on the door, being helpless about him when he was at the ER from stupid fucking dengue. That's the worst feeling ever. I rather get sick like this. Like this rn and trade the shit pathogens back to me from him. I don't know what I can do.

ET case. I don't really know what happened. But I know it happened really recently. I know he's having quite some hard time. I know she's having a hard time too. He said we'll catch up soon. I hope we will. When I was down and quiet, he talked to me so much, and I was just listening. I had problems with speech. I was mind full of voices shouting right at me but I wasn't speaking out. Even tho he didn't get me to talk much, he helped. It was a weird case because I was his listener, and it wasn't that he needed to talk, instead, I needed to listen. It all helped. But I don't know what I can do to help.. maybe that's the barrier between me and much elder friends. He's like my super super super senior. I'm not supposed to talk much, I mean... What am I that he should listen? Listen from 19 year old girl? That doesn't sound right. I'm sorry that I'm always full of thoughts, but never expressing in front of you guys. I didn't think I should.

It kills, to see two very important people in my life getting sad. Getting hopeless. It kills that I'm only witnessing it.

The way wood helped me couldn't help him. He gave me advices, but when I turn it around and used the same theory back on him, the conclusion is always the same. He thinks it's impossible. Once you think it's impossible, you kill all the possibilities, the chances, even if its 0.0001% chance, you killed it. Idk how to help him unkill it. He'd say, money doesn't fall from trees. If there's a will, miracles could happen.

I never thought of getting back with wood. I thought after that drinking night with pineapple, after that long rant text that I replied to you, you will stop disturbing me. You'll stop sticking your annoying nose into my life and fuck my mood. I thought I made you leave. And I was quite okay with it, as I already never had hope in stuff. But dear wood you came back. You came back for me even tho I was so hard to be with. I killed the chance because you killed it. Then you unkilled it, and helped me to do that too.

What can you say about impossible? I say it's impossible for me to spend any minute with someone who hurt me. How can I ever forgive what you've done?

But I still could.

If you don't give yourself a crazy rush time limit... If you allow yourself to earn and load and find good sponsors, why is it impossible to get money???

I'm going crazy. Good thing exams over.
Oh gosh when was the last time I spammed here ?

Getting over things

I know I used to not have good impressions on Cinnamon. She was a wild girl. She is, a wild girl. Wild girls are pretty great to be friends with, but hard to handle. Hard to be in relationship with. If you ask wood, he'd probably agree with that.

I used to be a slightly wild minded girl. He succeeded to keep my wildness in my mind. When we broke up, all hell broke loose. I could fly so high, I didn't want anyone. I didn't want an anchor holding me down. It was soooo addicting. It was like a drug. Like alcohol. It's unhealthy but fucking fun. If you look at Loong you would know. He'd been wild for so long... Sometimes I hope he finds a nice great girl that makes him quit drinking. I seriously hope he has a long great life.

Being back with wood, he was really mind soothing. Lol. I have no idea how to describe stuff. Every fight we've went tru ended well. It was usually tiny misunderstandings. He listens to me. Oh my god. He really does. He told me to be honest with him, so I did. One day I told him, wood, just so you know, whenever I'm quiet, I'm never quiet. My mind was always loud. If you yell at me, I wouldn't wanna talk to you, but in my head I talk to myself. I ask myself the questions that I can't answer. But at the end, I will get over it. These two years being alone, I learnt how to handle life. ET taught me. He didn't actually taught me, tho. He told me stories about his little past experiences. He told me, that I deserve more. He told me to look at people that has been through shits and why they can live with a big smile, a happy life.

Because they fucking move on. Yeah. He said I deserve to have a big smile on my face. He said that I'm still 19. It doesn't sound right for me to have that kind of negativity, because I can allow myself to make my life worth living by making myself have hope again.

Wood was always worried about me overthinking stuff. Sometimes I do get pissed when he was slightly rude. But after a couple of shit thoughts, I would be staring at road signs, cars, car plates, trees. I'm so good at distracting myself. The theory that ET developed in me worked. If it didn't, I could've failed A2. I could've died. I can never reach where I am rn. Crazy, right?

It was good change, I thought. Even tho I'm still always expecting that good things never last... It didn't keep me mourning at the same spot. I kept going. I had to.

So I believe he will be fine.

I'm very sorry for not being there. Sorry for not hearing the news directly from you. I'm sorry for being the friend that has stopped looking for you guys. I didn't want to... You have no idea how terrible I feel rn, for being told like this. I don't even have the balls to text you to ask how's stuff. I duno why am I worth telling. I'm not. I'm just a terrible friend. Maybe it's because of the age gap we'd never be that close.

There's nothing more I can say. The only thing I can do is quickly do the things wood told me to, to fix my arm problem. Then I'll get back to badminton. I'll get back with you guys.

I'm sorry that I don't know what happened. I wish you're alright.
Yeah. If the guy helped me live a life without nice expectations with a huge smile on my face, I believe he can get through this too. That's what makes me feel slightly relieved. Mature people will always be fine, they will find a way to get over.

Life aren't horrible.
Horrible is life.