Yesterday was quite a stressful day. Stressful sunday. So I've revealed the truth, I basically killed myself. But turned out alright after that.

During badminton second round, it was the fuze group. I liked that group. Really. It was pretty fun. I really liked that group.

So it was unexpected what they told me. They say I can drink. Lol. Salty fish's man told me I can drink. Botak told me, at the end he talked to me and I sounded so sober. Hilarious. I threw up! I said, I fell. And they were like because it's dark, and there was a step down from the floor. I didn't realize it. I wasn't drunk. How about the part I completely forgotten about the part where I gave the zouk bouncers my water bottle, and left it there forever?

I wasn't planning to get drunk, that's all.

Hilarious peeps. I should've told.

Anyhow. I like how botak said "I give you an award on your tolerance". HAHAA. My tolerance. When I first told him I already quit drinking, he said how do I quit if I never started.

So last night I gave it all out. It was a really bad outcome, I know. I shouldn't have went to a club without telling. I know. I should make sure I'm much mucu much close with the bunch of peeps first. I know. I'm sorry. I'm a terrible person. But I'm free now, I'm not as guilty as before. Feels so much better. Ffff. I'm human, I make mistakes. I might've done it badly this time. I hope you look past it and realize, I never lied to you anyway. I just didn't give the complete story.

So don't be mad anymore, I'd be a better person afterwards. Really. Sorry for the restless night, it's my fault you're losing abit of trust in me. When I tell, I was ready to bear the consequences anyway.

I'm a little idiot. Fff. T.T 

Gold texted me a little. It's been awhile... He made me feel much better by telling me, he understands that I just didn't want him to worry. I was worried about him worrying. I think gold has this very very mind reading characteristic. Or did ET told him so much? Possibly. But he could give me a term, and I'd relate to everything. Like when I gave him one word, he understood it all without any explanation. No details require, it's just... We know. I missed this.

When I was alone in my room, I kept rewinding how it all was like. We finished badminton, ET, Loong, Pan and I were just eating at murni. And they talked for two hours, inner outer convo, partly I wasn't in their group, I wouldn't understand. But partly, I listened and understood. Their interaction was friendship goals. Their jokes, it's so deep it's like they're not meant for everyone random to understand. It was really sweet. Really admirable.

Gold said he heard that I was attached. I was isolated. I wanted to move out of this isolation. I kept my holidays overly packed. I was too over. I'm sorry I was abit over. Life sucked.

I cried telling my ex about how the isolation felt. How much he weighted in my life. I was isolated for nothing. Did you feel good making yourself "Everything" to someone, then leaving? Did you feel really good ruining someone's life because of how selfish you were? If you can't stay with one person, you stay isolated, can't you? Stay away.

I was frustrated.

Club

So last night I went clubbing. I didn't really club tho. I feel bad. I didn't tell my first priority that I'm going to a club. And I went to two! Wtf. I went to two clubs in one night. Okay that was pretty normal because I hopped pubs before with ET squad too.

Fuze then zouk. Two of the most well known clubs. I didn't go to the dance floor because I was guilty. I drank like two glasses of whiskey only because I was guilty. Then we had champagne+vodka+redbull which gives a super good taste. Fucking good that I got a little drunk from that. I threw up a couple times, nicely controlled ones. And had a great fall. Fuck. That's like the most embarrassing part. Salty fish caught me falling. She felt bad because she thought she didn't do well on looking after me. But it was nothing cuz I made the decision to accept her invitation.

My only plan was to take a good look on how clubs are like. Now I know. They're big, wild, mad, a little cold, and dizzy. Those fucking spotlights kill me. Playing dice in such dim condition kills my eyes. I think I'm not going to a club anymore.

HAHAH. I'm happy I didn't go to the dance floor. Met a few peeps there, they're pretty cool but a little touchy. I find myself pulling myself away slightly whenever their hands come. But I guess it's not too bad cuz the people I met weren't touchy at inappropriate places. Just shoulder is fine. And I met a DJ! He seems nice.

It's funny how I remember everything except how I lost my little bottle. It breaks me. I find it interesting I broke a jug, lost a bottle when it comes to too much alcohol. Ugh.. and falling. That fall gave me bruises on my both knees. I can see why my face didn't lie flat on the floor. Ew. I'm such an embarrassment.

The next time I go to a club, I'm going with my bf.

Idk if I should be happy or seriously sad.

So I asked for a slot today, loong said, welcome. I asked, you coming? It's the last time I'm joining. He said, tbc. Alright.

I asked moon for a sneak peek. I went, saw organizer, saw loong, saw the couple. That didn't disappoint me. They were good games. Doc was late. But we had little convos, good enough. Loong, nah. Idk what happened. Seriously dk what happened.

At the end of the day, I asked, supper ? They were kinda on. But then, dk what happened. Dk what happened and everyone disappeared. Disappointing. Didn't expect the day to end that soon..

I wish I never rejected loong when he used to jio baddy regularly each week. I wish I didn't mind overtraining just once in a week, how bad can my arm go? Look at me. I still can play isn't it? I shouldn't have listened to my ex all the time.

Biggest regret.

Doc sent me home. I think he sensed my disappointment. Sigh. How is it not disappointing? Everything's just not the same once ET is not here. Everything's just off. Loong loves ET so much it's that sweet. Haha.

Why did I dumped everything aside for a guy who played with my heart? I'm a fool.

Just because I'm a pussy I decided to write it here instead of sending to you.

I've been trying to make up with the time I've been distant to all of you. My friend, you're so cool that I forgot what's it like when you gave me comforting hugs just to remind me there are people who care. I don't want to forget. But I know, it's too late.

It's my fault. You'd be tired to attend, even if they're the last chances.. you'd think it's pointless, because you think it's already gone. Actions speak the loudest. And my actions told you, I was done with you. I didn't mean to. I wasn't. I was reckless. I was blinded. If you'd give me another chance, would you ?

If you ask me, do I still think about my ex..
It's a lie if I say no. But what do I think about actually? Maybe not the memories. Maybe just him, his face. Maybe just disappointments. Maybe some mean shits he said.

Do I miss him? That's a definite no. The illusion of him. Disgusting.

Sometimes I get some achievements and think about how he made me doubt on my knowledge. Last night we were playing with a deck of cards. I saw a text from the group saying our results are out. I tapped straight into eramis, and found my results.

It seriously made me happy. I got an A for math. How long ago did that stopped happening to me? Prolly years. I haven't got an A in math, for years. I got an A for management. The worst subject with the worst lecturer because I still felt like I never learned a thing from there. I got an A for chemistry. That was not entirely unexpected, but it still surprised me. I got like 50% for test one, 96% for test two. It was a bet. Finals were the deciding factor whether I could get an A or not. I did my best. I got my A. I didn't fucked genetics that badly. At least I got a B+. I really wonder how she marked.

I was so happy I took a few glasses, fast. The girls congradulated me. Haha. I texted ET. Then I actually thought of my ex.

I wonder. Were you ever proud of me when I was your girl? Is this really what you want?

Don't make promises you can't keep.

I realized right after our broke up, I never ever really made promises. I think it's a fake thing. I think it fucks people up.
I'm so happy this recently. I've gotten what I need. I have a full time advisor, which supports me even if I didn't take the advice, which is there for me, mentally, all the time. I'm gonna say, it sounds really scary isn't it ? I'm saying that's what I need instead of what I want. Maybe we can learn to trust again.

Drink

So four days ago was our A levels reunion. I think it's funny, we're not entirely super duper close but we could talk abt shits for hours. It's a good thing, actually. So we never feel too connected, we never feel too distant too. Kinda sad when it comes to loong part. He's so cool it's hard to not feel distant anymore. He's distant anyway.

The day after was another typical very good Saturday. That day was the day I die from whiskey. A family dinner, with my two most alcoholic uncles sitting on my right. They couldn't stop refilling my glass. Not shot by shot, double instead. I think he pours two shots in each glass. Then I have no fucking clue how many glass I had. At least more than 6?? Idk. But it's death. Whiskey gave a strong after effect. It made that entire mother's day meal tasteless. It was probably good food but I was off. It reached the head-spinning level right after I stepped out of the restaurant. But I'm quite proud that I maintained a sober look in front of my fam. The hangover was pretty fucking bad. I drank plain water, and threw up plain water. I sent texts with shitty order to ET. Embarrassing. I played badminton with that shitty hangover the next day. Resting made me so sleepy I yawned until I cry, while in the court I felt like throwing up. Ffs. I'm happy the girls planned to move our night out to Monday.

It was probably the best Monday ever. We went to solaris, Innbar. First time for me. First time shisha, too. I think it wasn't really good. Idk. I didn't feel anything. Then we played like many many games, different games. Just us four girls, sukma girl 95, drax 96, jeh 97 and I 98. Damn, I find it hard to find codenames for people recently. So Jeh stayed at my place for the night because she has a curfew. Poor thing. We started with games then with a lot a lot of talk. I realized I know a lot of games. Thanks to ET squad. I realized I actually can drink. Thanks to ET squad too. The talks are the important one. Jeh took two glasses for the entire night, drax took more than that but still, super less. I think only sukma girl and I really drank like on fire.

Two of them took down the shisha thingy.
Two of us took down a tower of carlsberg. And we be like "Let's order another bucket." Too high. Haha. The EDM gets better at midnight. The deep convo starts. I asked about sukma girl's sexualty. Drax asked about my ex. We even talked about virginity? It's like an open convo already. We all matured. Ahahahaha. So open. We even talked about friends. How do we actually feel at fcuc? We all were pretty lonely. I'm like we don't connect. She's like me too. And she's like I only feel connected when playing badminton. I thought four of us aren't really close. Turned out... We're actually only happy when we get together. Too sweet. Not gonna forget that. We talked about.. people whose into us, or the other way. Too funny. Drax was like legend has no experience, that's why he freaked me out. Drago too, hilarious. And I'm like moon did what before, once. We good.

I think we should have more nights out with girls instead of just guys. Girls are pretty fun too. And we look after each other without any doubt. Always reminding. Girl you need to take good care of your glass, cuz if imma not so close guy with bad intentions, you don't know what I'd do to your drink. Yass. Great drinking session. One tower and a bucket got me to slight spinning phase, but still talkative.

I'm glad ET squad trained me to drink beer instead of others. I think I improved.

Weird kaki

So last night moon asked me out to baddy. I said yes, but my intention was focusing on the one on one full update about my recent life. I felt like we never really talked for like... A year? Less than that, but almost.

His badminton gang was a weird gang brought together by a badminton kaki app. It's cray. I don't play those stuff, but here there are a variety of people. There's a man and his uncle, borned in penang but raised in US, a US military retire. Wowww. He talks like forest gump, he just can't stop talking, and it's cool. I like that accent. And he could literally answer all my questions without me asking. He said he ate a few durians at once and gained 10kg in month. I salute this guy. Gerald, and his uncle Richard, so old but better skilled. Another two I'm not sure abt them, Asians aren't that talkative. Haha. I like listening to this guy talking.

So after badminton moon and I exchanged updates. It was a great amount of update. Badminton ended at 10pm, we grabbed to cp then talked until almost 12am. I'm gonna admit. I picked the secrets out, to not update. But still it was already a lot a lot. He's still my old super close friend anyway. I thought he wasn't telling me things. But... It's actually mutual. We weren't telling each other things. We didn't get to meet or talk, what to do? Of course we couldn't exchange updates, unlike yesterday. It's good ro have you back, fren.

It's good to talk face to face, with teh o ice limau but not alcohol. HAHA. I was craving hard tho. Just... Idk. Actually, talking while sober seems much better. Just alcohol helps with the talks at the beginning. Then the heart does the rest. Today I'm gonna meet Lychee, then another day yip man, another day drama queen.

Bffs are always bffs. ♥️

Ok it's going to sound stupid but I have this app for insta, to track followers and stuff. Cuz I really want to see who recently unfollows me and stuff, it'd be so fun.

So this recently I saw that my ex unfollowed me. The thing is I can't even search his name, or see his whatsapp photo. This indicates he blocked me.

Isn't it fucking hilarious ? Like he's afraid of me going back to him begging him back into my life? Or is he afraid of any other shit stuff he did?

I really hated how he flips from knowing how his image in my fam was destroyed. Who can he blame, actually? He himself. If you fucked your image, shouldn't you reflect on what you've done and change it? Immature kid. Why was I so stressful of protecting his image? Ew. Makes me cringe.

Now we've both officially agreed to delete each other in our lives. Let's hope he fucks himself up all the time but not other victims.

Hols life 💕

Life had been really good to me.

Ever since exams ended, everything had been really really well.
I've been newly introduced into
- ahchoos weds laughing squad
- loong's squad (back into)
- Ginger's condo squad
- salty fish's fuze club squad
- chicken's dj squad
Four new squads! They play pretty well and have really cool backgrounds.

Laughing squad had banking background, or natural rubber plantation stuff background. Ginger's condo squad has a huge variety, includes auditors, the condo residences, even men with other races. Very fun stuff. Dj squad was a squad I've known, but they never thought of me, but chicken insistingly forces me to attend, which was fucking mad. HAHA. And fuze club squad. Salty fish knows a group of peeps running fuze club. A club in KL, another drinking squad. They even invited me to drink. I almost said yes. Had the urge.

Other than that, with people around me. Peeps had been well. I love everyone. Pineapple's still my fav buddy. ET still stays straight to the point whenever I needed it. Moon was there when I asked him out for lunch but heh not yet. Drama queen was there. Yip man was there. Lychee and I too have upcoming plans. A level peeps have an upcoming plan. Even FCUC bc squad has an upcoming drinking plan. We all get much closer, even with my sister, thanks to the one day I had too much alcohol. Everything's just so nice, and I'm not worried. Wew. I used to say, I'm happy today, which means I will suffer tomorrow. Maybe, I won't. Idk. Heh. Or let me just enjoy now, and we'll face whatever tomorrow.

About the other part. Shandy's texted me today. Gave me a scare when she was typing non stop without sending fast. Turned out she's in my position last year. I have this feeling she's growing. Very innocent, growing, but not fast. I think she needs counselors like ET. Haha. We're a little different. Or maybe, we're no different.
I remember there was a time, I was crazily obsessed with my ex, wanted him back. I remember another phase, I no longer wanted him back, but wanted this friend back. I remember the end phase when I gave up, he wanted me back.

It's funny how things ET told me have became the things I tell other people. He's an ass, you know that. Just gonna advice, don't go back to that shithead, but if you don't listen, that's your choice, man. I can be there as your listener when you're back to rant about his reactions.
I remember the second time I just broke up. I told ET, I'm not regret. I've made a firm decision this time. I've done what I could, but my best just wasn't the best. Tried, no regrets. He said, good, very good. Don't go running back to him. I asked, what if I run back to him? He said, I'd look down on you.
Go ahead, talk to the unconversable ass. Then please realize he's an ass, and stay away from that guy forever.

The only one thing getting bad abt this holidays, is my arm. I couldn't lift my arm easily. Worsening quite fast. I'm not scared. I've been scared, and it kept me away from people. My ex had been scared, he kept me away from people. I hate that isolated life. I hate staying home thinking abt the possibilities that could happen if I go out. I've made my holidays content as fuck. So content, I was never really free. I'd only read storybooks when free, and guess what, up to now I couldn't finish a book.

Badminton is like my drug. It gave me a life which could bring endless greatness. And at the same time, it shortens this greatness lifespan unless I slow it down. Unless I found a cure. I know, too much of anything leads to death. Too much love, too much exercise, too much good food, too much study.. but badminton just brings too much happiness and it's worth all the while.

Memory

Holy shit today was a fucking awesome day. So in conclusion, my stupid illusions fucked my mood a little in the morning. During violin class it was awesome af. I love getting praises from him. HAHA. Makes me feel really good. He said I'm done with that piece.

Months not practicing got me guilty af. Two weeks with three days actually practicing got him satisfied already. I think, if I practice daily, I would be a fucking god already. HAHA. Jk. And here he taught me por una cabeza's solo violin part. IT'S SO HARD. TO REMEMBER TOO. I realized when I put my heart into remembering, I remember.

It sounds abit confusing isn't it. Ok my violin teacher has this very oral teaching style. I use my hearing to play, while he verbally tells/shows me which fingers to use and how the bowing goes. So in conclusion, as long as I'm familiar with how the melody sounds like, I just have to remember the fingering, position AND bowing. Three things. Super hard. So it's completely definitely impossible to finish learning one piece in one lesson. I have no idea how I managed to remember the entire por una cabeza without writing down. But this time, the solo part, I decided to write down. And he was like "Impressive memory." I think this is the lazy way, because... That's how I memorized the pieces for grade 8 guitar exam, and it wasn't hard. This is what I do because I don't have time to practice. Zzzz. But wow it can be this useful. I think I'm gonna practice already. Hapi.

Today was a cray day. Ahchoo invited me to badminton. I said yes. It's extremely fun to join different different squads, tbh. To know new peeps, socialize. It was near my ex's place, new vision. Didn't dare to post insta because I didn't jio chicken. Oops. It was my bad. I should. Ugh. I think I'm gonna call this group, the laughing squad. Ahchoo was like the laughing pill, and the rest were super good laughers.

So badminton was love. Ahchoo was quite nice to talk to. His friends also. All abt Loong's age, or just a year younger. So it's damn funny. I realized how bad his memory is. He took some time to think of his name. And then he was like "oh shit I can't remember my mom's birthday. Oh shit it's tomorrow. " Lmfao. I can't. Quite fun.

He be like "Don't flirt" heh. How would I flirt? I can't flirt. Too ugly to flirt lmao.

Let's just hope drama queen finds a nice date for us to hang out. Let's hope we stay awesome.

I just don't understand. No, I understand.
I ruined it all. I ruined all.

I remember I was so determined in convincing yip man to convince her parents to let her hang out with us at our last highschool times. She kept saying it's hopeless, it's no use. They stubborn. They stubborn but if you do nothing you waste all opportunities.

I remember telling her to tell her mom. If you turned down on all our invitations, soon we get tired. We don't invite you anymore. You lose a bunch of friends, you slowly get forgotten. It's not worth it. Ask your mom. You have primary school gatherings? Then let me go. Let you go.

What have I done?
There was a period Loong asked me each week. Badminton? I said no. I said no, I said no. Everytime. I felt great being remembered. Then, slowly, no more. Completely no more.

I remember my orientation friends asking the entire group if they want to dinner together. I said no. No each time, to be with wood. I said no to my coursemates. I said no to the one time sem 2 asked me out for lunch and they never asked anymore. I said no to every possible connection, I said, I need to be with my ex, he's really lonely. That's just not how.

You, Motherfucker ruined my life. I can see carmen, sharm, lawr, beck, they can be right in front of my face, but they had no idea who this is. It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault.

What have I done? I'm sorry if I got so desperate and got myself into a position guys came flirting. I'm sorry I'd make up with my past by being extremely apporachable. I'm sorry I was an ass. I didn't mean to. It kills me inside. It kills me everytime. Everyweek when I said no. It wasn't me. I'm sorry I'm late. I'm sorry I lost loads of people for one asshole.

He's here to ruin my life, fuck everything up and make me face the consequences. How awesome.

Yet ET's telling me, make changes. Make changes. Whst kind of changes? Am I supposed to just hype up in front of them yelling their names and say let's hang out even when you don't remember me? Am I supposed to pop out in uninvited groups and tell one of them "I'm coming"?

I'm still trying anyway...
I succeeded asking A levels group, lychee, drama queen, these people that I never seen for a long time. Thank god the situation wasn't so bad.

And maybe I was too quick to judge. Crisp asked me, just later. Point is, I didn't have to say I'll join without being invited. Haha. I'm making my way back into the squad. Maybe loong's got exhausted. But I can make other connection, why not ?

Omg? I was indeed judging too quickly. Why so sad. Fuck la. But I gotta say no again ... fuck. Why my life such bullshit

I thought about ET. I thought about that night I wrote a letter to my ex. I thought about the very last time I went to him. I said, it's a closure. It was a week after we broke up. We didn't talk to each other for a week. I told ET, I'm gonna go see him for one last time, to have this closure, to make it end with a nice clean cut.

I wrote a note to him, on a small piece of paper. There were empty space at the back so I drew a tree, and some birds flying away. And the note. As a person with slight OCD, I would usually write a draft, then nicely on the paper. But then I thought, this is unnecessary. I'd write what came in mind, that would be the most truthful last words. I'm glad I wrote the note. Cuz I wanted to talk to him for one last time, but all I get was nothing.

He saw me dressed up slightly different from usual. So he asked me, going to have some fun eh? I said, somewhere cold. That's why, long sleeves. That's all we talked about for the last time I see his face. We passed the stuff, and I left, forever.

I remember scolding voon for saying that studies claimed reunited couples have 90^^% chance of breaking up again. I remember pan saying, 好草不怕回頭吃. I remember ET claiming that I approached him right because he chose to be with his ex once again.

I don't regret for accepting you back into my life. You taught me that second chances don't exist. You taught me that I should love myself more. You taught me that I deserve better, and you don't deserve my love. You taught me many many things. Things that may sound negative to young little people but they aren't really meant to be negative. People die, people come and go, change happens everywhere, everytime. Negative, or it's just life? And you tried to change my mindset? You have no rights to change my mindset. Nothing lasts forever, everything is temporary. Not sad, just reality. No exceptions, just determination.

I chose to fall in love with badminton. I chose to fall in love with alcohol. Nobody's fault, it's just my life, my decision. Badminton's helped me a lot. From a skinny unhealthy antisocial idiot into a fitter, healthier, slightly sociable person who's less dumb. I never expected you to come back to me, I never expected me to break us up again. I tried my best to love, but my best just wasn't the best for you. You want multiple idiots giving you their best, and I guess I'm just not one of them.

ET said, actions speak. Thanks for showing how heartless you've become. Best decision I've made this year. Now, I'm happy. I have people I love telling me to go explore, go get to know new peeps, go socialize, go have fun. At the same time, work hard, study hard, do my best in classes, train hard. As long as I do all these, life can't possibly go wrong. Even if we lose everything, we still have one thing. Ourselves. One thing pineapple taught me. You gotta love yourself the most. Unless you have a a dog, you can love your dog more.

I said, that weekend, ET's back but my aunt from Jap is back too. She said, bring my aunt around, don't care about ET. Hahaha. She would always choose family over friends. My inspiration, spirit party animal.

Overnight + badminton

IT'S SUCH A HAPPY DAY. I MEAN HAPPY DAYS.

I'm gonna start with the plans. The plans with pineapple. It was so awesome. OK yesterday the two older pineapples planned a party for the little pinapple. Fuck I know it's confusing. Anyway, the venue was located in 1u. So pineapple was like why not I go there we can go over to her place together, then overnight. Sounds like a plan! So I said yes super easily, my dad said ok super easily.

In the morning, I had two hours of training then a mcd burger then two hours of baddy with Loong's squad. So happy. ET was well enough to play. It was sad seeing him go. Ughhh another two weeks. All this badminton. Ooh I saw lchean at champion. He has this very funny voice. And he was like "Single?" Lmao. I singled with crisp, two sets, died. Then chewing gum was there too. He evil. Pooh was there! She said it's pretty obvious about my mood swings lol. Yup. Kinda. But she said recently she saw me posting loads of positive vibes. Yes. Of course. I'm happy, happy as hell. Who else was there. Loong. Ahh. In some ways, I miss that we were slightly closer.

Baddy ended. Let's just start from the overnight trip. Trip to 1u. I hogged popular just because. Wow it has so many good books on sales, temptations, but I controlled well. But I didn't control it well for tealive. I don't miss my ex, I missed tealive. Crazy.

When I met with the pineapples we went for grocery shopping, then kaison window shopping. It was nice. It was tiring. Tiring as hell. Oh what did we do last night. At her place, first it was coco snuggling, then, private girl talk time! Wow pineapple did gave me a nice update. That's my bff how could I possibly not know so many things? Tbh she was really hard to conquer. HAHA. I had been asking each time we met. She'd stay mysterious, and I didn't push her at all. It was no pressure. This time, she told all. I'm honoured. And it was such a nice environment. At her condo's nice table with the city lights as the view. And the dim, sipping baileys (coffee alcohol), the candle, the soft music. A lot of update from each other. Not gonna write here. So awks. And then, little pineapple came to ask for her present. It's adorable seeing these three interact, sibling goals. Cheesy af. Pineapple's the strict big sister. Ahh sweet.  And then we had LIMINCINO. Hard liquor, I looked it up it's actually lemon plus vodka. FUCKING GOOD. It's really good. Ahh. 30% alcohol, I took three shots, sip by sip. Too good. And I think I was at the slightly talkative phase. I actually talked a lot to middle pineapple. She's really nice to talk to. And so cute. Gah. They two were so cute back then. Now they've become three pretty ladies. Ah. Hell. And there goes EDM. There goes I'm not tired anymore.

We both kinda woke up at 3am from our separate dreams. She had a nightmare and kicked me. Lol. I was awake tho when she kicked. I had a dream of ginger telling me that he used to like me. Took me an entire day to recall that. MUSTN'T BE REAL. Anyway, we woke up to the plans: walk the dog, eat, haircut, swim, eat.

I must mention. I don't wanna forget. COCO IS SO CUTE. I can't believe our friendship is same age as coco but coco is probably older. 11 human years, damn, she's an old dog. The first eat was at DJ. All the way from mk to dj. Crazy huh. I can remember how that grab driver made me proud of my driving. It was really good food. Haircut. Um. Let me say something funny. I've lived 20 years without having a haircut outside which requires money. It's new to me. Pineapple was staring and be like this is the first time I'm seeing you getting a haircut. I said, it's my first time too. Lol. It's nice. Lucky I didn't put on my helices. I already wanted to scream out three times when she hit my recent newest piercing. The outcome was ok. I think, new to me. So short, so comfortable, but still messy. Duh what did I expect. But I think I can suggest this cutting method to mom so that my fringe can stop getting longer than the hair behind lmao.

Swimming after a haircut. Can you imagine the hair we left into the pool? Awesome. Don't care. It was so nice. I probably didn't swim for four years. Maybe three. Duno. The last time I recall a pool was sunway lagoon trip with the 38s, which was like four years ago. Today was awesome. I think I can survive if I'm thrown into the sea.. for a few mins. Ok. Heh. I suck, I know. But at least I can float. We took looooads of photos there. Some were so cheesy. Satisfying as fuck, pineapple said, that's what models do. Cringes.

Basically our trip ended with Mr Dakgalbi. It was goooood. Idk which one's better. I really liked omaya too. Maybe omaya was better. And there we waited at karma. Solaris, the place that I can only think about alcohol when I heard this name. And we were there in the afternoon. How unfortunate. My recent cravings aren't behaving. I stopped craving cheese and stuff. I crave wine, whiskey. Fucked, yup. Tiring day. And I probably sprained my left foot at the metatarsals joint. Hurts af.

Still guess what. I went for badminton tonight. I thought it was a great decision. I told ginger I had a sprain. He was like don't scream later, he'd pretend that he doesn't know me. Evil shit. It was such convenient journeys. Dad went for politic talks, conveniently dropped me off and picked me up after it. And he had to wait for me, not the opposite. Crazy. Three hours of badminton is love. Nicsman was here, he didn't put his name in the list because he claimed that he will always play.

I almost thought we can be potential close badminton friends until he said something that made the situation fishy. Ugh. Sad. He told me that he used to be in taekwondo national team. Reminds me of my ex and ET, even tho my ex wasn't in any team but no doubt that they were all black belt fighters. Scary. Then he changed to badminton. His stories reminded me about my ex so fucking much. That dedication, determination, hard work, and he achieved what he targeted. Such inspiration, scared me a little. Another thing we had in common was a special date. He asked me the date, I said 22 April. He lifted his hand with fingers spreaded. I gave him a high five not knowing what it was about. Lmao, then I know. He said we can have a double date. HAAHA. That part got me really happy tho. We talked a little about our pasts, and had the same thoughts about not wanting to spread news. It's annoying, and we were both like "I feel you." Best feeling ever.

And then one word actually distroyed this feeling a little. I have a feeling he's a little too flirty. Uhm. Anyone who's praised me pretty has got to be suspicious. Gotta be alert, aware. Yes, man, I looked up to find you intentionally because I thought it was hard to find people who are this good in badminton without being arrogant, friendly and potential future baddy buddy. Maybe it was a wrong move. I was desperate, I think.

It was so lonely. I desperately needed company in inti. And for holidays, I did this. I go out this much, and got myself in slight trouble. Maybe I'm a little too friendly? Haiz. Sometimes I conflict myself. Do I actually should be friendly? Maybe I'm doing it wrong. Found the wrong things to talk about. Approached wrong people. Let's hope nicsman is not another version of my ex. Let's hope he's not being flirty. I wish he didn't text me back so detailed about what he was doing. Made me felt wrong for his gf. Ugh.

BUT STILL it's a good day. All is well.
Except for my foot. Gg.com no more running.

Idk why I have such different bffs. One, so innocent and being surprised over EVERYTHING. Another one, calm af and saying, "it happens" to every situation occured.

I have no idea how, different people asked me. Broke up? Again? Why? Why first time broke, why second time broke? They're such curious people.

I couldn't even count the reasons we broke up. But I actually think, we broke up for the same reasons both times. Busy >  lack communication > insecure > third wheel. Both times, same. What's we could be happy. Fuck happy. Fuck that guy.

He's not a fighter? Bro. You never know. My ex. My current. Both black belt scary fighters. If that guy you kicked was a fighter, I doubt you could run away like that. It happens, it's not what we could trust. Never trust words. But then? Still, these things happened. Many things happened that we don't know at all.

Oh it sounds so sweet you were definitely making an effort to be an asshole and come back as you wish because of how BUSY you were.

Yet she calls them "Men". Disgusting. What is Men? Men could fuck anyone and get away with it isn't it? You don't even understand my rage.

Can you believe he could do such a thing bro? Just because he was our beloved, fucking pro inspiring president, doesn't change facts! Facts are, he was an asshole, he is an asshole. Assholes never change. You look at their actions and you know. You don't know, right? I know. Bro. I spent the time left with him. I don't know him? Yeah I don't know. I didn't know he could do such a thing and have the balls to come begging me to forgive him. Forgive his attitude of an ass. And it wasn't even a complete story. As ass can be this shitty.

I'm sorry if blogwalkers came across this, there's no clue who has done what. But I can assure you. This asshole ran around breaking hearts, betraying everyone's trust then revealing the shittiness.

It's almost 2am.

Idk, man. Idk how you can say it's normal for a guy to like a few girls. It studied ethics. So is it normal for a guy to kiss a girl, turn around to chase another girl, and asking another girl out for a movie? Too dry? Or just fucked up. I hope the next girl who dates you found out about how dirty your dick is, and cuts it off. I hope one day all the mosquitoes fly towards you and finish you. I hope you rot in hell and never return to the world. I hope you get what you deserve. Heartless.

I don't ever understand how I can remember all the details. Maybe pain is just unforgettable. Maybe betrayal is unforgettable. Especially when you were played, you should remember that for life.

Why did you broke up for the first and second time?
To explain the reason I need to start preparing a powerpoint with 200 slides. Fuck.

I want to know. No, I don't want to know.

Know why I unfollowed him from insta? My fingers have the urge to tap into his stories, my fingers have the urge to ask him "how's your day?" And I would tap into it. I've tried. I sworn, today I am NOT tapping into his stories. Yet, I tapped. Therefore I made a decision, stop myself, whatever consequence I get, It's nothing.

I don't wanna know about his life anymore. I don't want to remember his number. I don't wanna care. He has a gf? Since when? How did that happened? Who's that?

Have you ever trusted someone so so much you proudly tell your friends, no, he's not the kind of people that would cheat. He's not a player. Turned out to be the most fucking terrible player he's ever been.

I'm so so. Idk what to say anymore. Idk, man. I sometimes wish I don't get these info. But would you rather get info about how evil the person you loved was when you were so sure about him? Everything happens for a reason.

He's an asshole.
He's a douche.
He's a piece of shit.
He's the worst dick ever.

Why the fuck does he exist???
Can he please just die? Die from third dengue. Just fucking die. I hope he's struggling to wake up in bed right now because probably everyone cursed him to death. This is why he doesn't have friends. Maybe his friends know his pattern. Maybe he's just such an asshole.

Idk how to cope.
Idk how to feel.

I'm happy I broke up with him. But I was hoping he changed this recently. I can't believe he was like that all the time. I can't believe I've loved someone like that. He's the reason I drink. He's the reason I wanted to die.

What am I supposed to learn this time? I have terrible taste, are all men in this world gonna be playing like this? Or should I start to play with them?

Chicken ginger

7.47am. rn. I woke from a dream. A different one. Recently I've been dreaming about idk.what dreams, but ET was usually inside. Today I had this one dream, I was at my ex's house. I went there because it was his mother's birthday. I told her happy birthday, gave her a hug, small talked. All that while,.he was in the study room. I was outside, living room, safe. When he came out, I saw him. I hid. Obviously he still saw me. But we didn't talk to each other. Super awkward that I decided to leave. Dream over.

Anyway i forgot to blog about last night? Last night was an awesome night. Right after exams, I texted chicken breast and ginger. Told them I'm free so please do jio baddy. I know, we were old friends that didn't contact much already. But I didn't expect the outcome to be that efficient. They both invited me to play on the same freaking day, different time. Not clashing but I was lazy. I only said onz to one.

However, this chicken was crazy enough to ask "can I join?" I asked ginger and he agreed. I think they're both awesome. Chicken wasn't a very talkative person. He gets talkative to be because he was after pineapple. Lmao. Then ginger, I still had a feeling he was after me at one short period. We were considered close. However this ginger is quite sociable. We could just ignore his slight resting bitch face, he's actually friendly. I like that.

Chicken picked me up and we gathered at ginger's place, then ginger fetched us to the venue, which is a condo. These people look really YOUNG. But they're really really good. Initially I was worried that I brought a friend, which made them overcrowded. But I was wrong. It's a must to bring chicken. Chicken was good enough to form a team with them. So four good players, including chicken and ginger, perfecto. Then... it happened so that when we were resting, I sat next to one of the very good players. I call him nicsman. Wow he's friendly. This is exactly what I need. Knowing new people. Just cuz... I've been antisocial for some time when I was with my ex. His antisocial trait makes me keep him busy, which made me antisocial, which I hate a lot. Plus he didn't even like me having friendships with new peeps. Evil, pure evil. I like how this contrasts him and ET. ET strongly encouraged me to meet new people, know new people, explore and learn. Sounds really good. Which is why I joined badminton.

From nicsman I get to know that they're all abt 24 to 28. Super young. There was a girl also. But not a regular player, just other pro person's sister. That one was just 22. So young! I can't believe I'm talking about how young they are when I'm the youngest. I guess I just got used to joining older peeps. Fun. Nicsman, 25, accountant. Super fit, super pro badminton player. I wowed at his many shots. Gah. So pro. I believe he can beat my ex. So stable. Fast and firm footwork. I wish I have that strength and skills. Awesome inspiration. The thing is, they're social. Very nice and friendly, there's this warm temperature, unlike how alone and awkward I felt when my ex invited me to play with his Saturday squad. I can't believe I looked forward to supper (because that's just the way badminton players bond.) While he said he never joined supper. From this we can see why the atmosphere is different. He isolated himself. Idiot.

However, ginger said they don't supper. But they gym after badminton, and sit around, to chit chat. It's even better. Instead of getting fat, they bond by getting fit. Fucking awesome. Plus they speak canto. Can train me. HAHAA.

OK I'm just happy I found an overall friendly squad. And ginger was still nice. He speaks like a cat. So soft. Ish. But we still close. I like that really much. I like how we can be far apart, completely no contact BUT when we meet, we catch up and we're good. It's gold. It's important. It's like my cousins.

I think I'm a different person when it comes to bonding. I don't bond well with group people. I can voluntarily make friends with new people one by one, by approaching them one by one. Felt more comfortable like that. And because of that, I actually do have friends. Many, and scattered around in this world, which is super good. I don't have to be like pineapple. We have our ways to be sociable. My way, this is how. When I meet one person, face to face, that's when we both feel safe, and there can be the heart to heart talk. Maybe what I need is a massive party to bring them together? HAHAHA. Jk. Why would I need to bring them together?

Sometimes, I thought. This guy, I know all his friends. He can just tell me who he's meeting up with by name because I know them all. While he doesn't know any of my friends. And it's an issue on letting him know my friends, because they scatter like that. It's just... It's weird if I meet with my friend individually with him around. My friend would feel like a light bulb isn't it. And the initial privacy comfy would be gone, couldn't even talk like usual. Idk. Maybe it's a stupid concern? But it's something to think about. I wonder, is it good to have close yet far away friends who seldom meet up but can make a good day when meet ? I mean. Idk. Hmm.

Man. How? Do I stick to badminton? Be an organizer and put them all into one court so that they can know each other? I really hope my close friends know each other. lol. Zzzzzz. Such a challenge.

Ooh I missed out one thing. LAST NIGHT. Chicken wanted to eat. So we went to ss2 murni. Old times... Guess who I met. CJ7. It's been such a long time he brought a girl. Chicken and I were like discussing who's the girl. Lmao. Turned out to be his sister. 1am, supper with sister. This is sibling goals, man. Missed him. It was so funny we reacted really crazily when we noticed each other across the area. We both took our phones and started snapping lmaooo. We should definitely plan a reunion after arrogant comes back. Too gold. He looks the same, crazy drug dealer. HAHA.

Great things. Day well spent. I'm happy that important people around me support me doing what I do. 

Change

It's funny how people react when I tell them, I broke up w my ex.

They'd say, "I'm sorry."

No don't be. I'm happy. Say, I'm happy for you. Fucking hell. Saw this mark your fear survey thingy from insta. Fear. Haha. "Change" was in the list. Definitely the only thing I'd mark.

Today I asked wendy out for dinner. She's actually ok, she's super noisy, as talkative as I am. Good. Maybe this can be that one close friend in uni that I'm looking for. Haha.

I told her a lot about recent stuff. Not detailed, just brief but the plot was clear enough for her to understand my emotions. Well, who else could I talk to? The ipoh girls seems extra isolated recently. Zzz. But wendy is more than enough. It's cool how she didn't react that crazily as expected. It seems like she knows what's happening in this world. Which is nice. At the end of the day she said, it's nice hanging out with me out for dinner but 90% just talking about recent stuff. I said, kinda. I need companion. Then her straightforwardness shows up. She said she didn't think I was this easy to approach at first, because I was always hanging with my ex. Yeah. Yeah. It was wrong, it wasn't me.

Told ginger that my holidays are coming up so please jio me badminton. He agreed right away, and invited me for thurs badminton. Maybe people aren't that hard to approach, you know. It's just we sometimes got lost somewhere, forgetting that we can have people with us. I was probably lost in his hands. I only had one direction, which was him. Now, Im a free soul.

In conclusion if you wanna get a bf, get one who supports you getting more sociable. Because he knows you'd need companion when he's not around. And he knows, it's a must.

I'm going to find a badminton squad next sem. Idk how, but... Idk. I'll think about it after exams. Since all my close friends are close friends all because of badminton(exclude yip man and lychee). I mean seriously. Moon, arrogant, ET, LCW, Loong, ginger, rivergrass, pineapple, my ex. They all appeared in my life, but whether they stay or not was a different case. Even tho, most of them stayed. And all, because of badminton.

I'm completely fucking blessed, and grateful.

"Your life is worse than drama."

I don't think so, man. I've grown from a stupid idiot which cried over an asshole for ONE entire year, to forgiving that asshole then realizing my own worth, making a breakup decision and crying over it for ONE DAY. A year to a day.

I'm really afraid of how time can change things.

I'll talk to you when I see you. It's horror stories, got me a restless night. Really scary.

He said, ohh. Don't be scared. If you're scared, It will happen.
He said, make your efforts to prevent the things we fear. We can prevent it, and that fear does more damage than good.

ET's wisdom. Haha. He's that good.