.

One sentence may cause mental breakdown.
One sentence, can kill.
Can make someone who's already fully determined to do something, to lose it all.
All that effort. Just like it never existed.

Just one fucking sentence.
Could ruin a whole life.

Good thing my sister's not in the room.

I'm scared to death. Of you leaving me forever.
The word I scared the most, is "Enough."

I told myself, you're so busy, twenty four seven.
I'll just look at fb, the time fb tells.
It's usually 1 min ago, unless it's morning,
It would be 5 or 6 hours ago.
And I say, rest more, you sleepy head.

I promised myself not to check,
But still did anyway, 40 mins ago.
Definitely driving then. Drive carefully.
1 min ago. You reached. Definitely unpacking then.
Talking to self, actually to you. It's became a habit.

I'm no longer attached to the WA notification.
Yours is the one that notifies and vibrates crazily.
The rest, individuals mute,
customized individuals & groups only notify. Without vibrate.

So I'd look more forward into fb vibrations.
Sometimes I see you posting. And get terrified.
Then cry after reading.
Nah just kidding.

I read, and get whatever I'm doing screwed up.
And maybe screw up a day. Or a week.
And I have to smile so perfectly to my family,
And slowly I'm used to it

Mom doesn't ask anymore.
Maybe she thinks I've settled whatever problem I had.
I wish she never asks.

After all this time, I know.
It won't get any better.
It's just getting worse.
All these restless nights.

I wish I can put you into long term memory.
And then they throw you into the dump
and you disappear.

I wish the memory of you, stop getting stronger and stronger
I wish something bad happened to me, and lose part of memory.

I don't wanna forget you
But when you're affecting my life,
It's just so fucking hard.

Someone used to say, we'll be sad for three days
After getting our spm results. And then, life continues.

You're not someone I can easily forget
Three days, three weeks, three months

How much more? Let's see if I can be Ok after three years.

Stop it.
Enough.

I wish.

.

I have problems.

Mind kept flashing back, to that day, that day when you told me how tired you were.
and then you gave me a last wish.

And then rewind more,
to that day, a few days after your birthday.
When I started losing it,
You asked if I could stay for a night,
That week, I wanted to give up.
You made me stay.

Further rewind, to my birthday.
We watched Cinderella that day.
Do you remember?
Then my mom called to tell us to get home before 12,
to cut the cake.

That day, I was so exhausted.
if not mistaken, it was one day camp too.
I was disappointed at how camp went, as part of organizer.
Then you brought me to a nice restaurant.
You bought me cakes, and took a video.

I lost that video.
It's gone, along with the rest of the audios saving in the laptop.
The audios that saved your voice saying I love you, and goodnight
I was happy, but so tired, but so happy.

I decide to not bother you too much.
I will know whether you're busy or not, from the way you talk.

I'll study hard, and I'll miss you.

I'd like you to know that..
You're a part of me that I can never ever let go.
If you're alone, you need someone to talk to,
you could always come to me.

My only wish, is to have another chance
to appreciate you and make your life better.
I'll give the kind of support that you need, but not burden.

I'll now wash my face, stop rewinding, stop being sad about it,
and DO MY FUCKING HOMEWORK.

Heh. I'm going crazy, you know ?
When I drove back home,
Everytime the steering wasn't straight,
I went off my lane a little.

I thought, it'll be so easy to die. One hard turn,
and I'll be dead.
And no more, all of this nonsense.
No more sadness.
No more rewinding,
No more me.
haha. Just a thought. 

.

If he says he's busy,
Then I fuck off for a week. Maybe two weeks.
Plans cancelling, training pausing
If seeing him means two weeks later,
Be it.
If seeing him is just during training,
I'll bear with it.
If it'll be months later until the next time he asks me out,

I'll wait.

Drown in studies.
Everything will be fine.

Training and him

I miss him. Plans cancelling all the time, priority getting lower all the time. I know where I stand. I expected the worst, so I'm not disappointed. I just miss you, so damn badly I can cry.
I'm surprised that you didn't push me away when I sleepily wrapped my arms around you. Heh. <3 thank you.

Had insomnia. I really, was trying to sleep. Then I had a dream, lychee was in there. Lmao. I never had a dream with her in it before. I guess. I was catching a train. And that stupid dream had me more running all around. Exhausted.

Training. Mm like I said, I will workout daily. But still, paused for hell cycle. Was so tired. For the consecutively 3rd(? I'm not sure) time, finally didn't stop on first or second set. I actually did full set. Maybe next time I do it, I'll time myself and improve the speed.

I realized I've been focusing on burning the waist fats, and never worked out on thighs. Heh I'll work out on thighs too. I wish I can have the determination to jog daily.

So tired.

。

每次都是 在差不多放棄的邊沿了，
突然就對自己說  “再傻多一次吧。”
都會值得的，修正自己 為了讓我們可以
我會成功修正，只是不知道你會不會在。
雖然有很多很多可以想像的悲劇，
有很多很多 很想死的念頭。
我懂 我不會傻到那個程度吧。
我發現到只要是曾經弄到我們倆小小吵起來了的人，我都會盡量遠離。盡量不和他們太靠近。

那傢伙。

兩小時課提早放。
他跟著我，我逃。
他跟到哪，我都逃。
他叫我接受他的fb友圈加入
我說，fb而已啊，很重要嗎？
已經是超級 無法再努力的敷衍了
他跟到我走投無路無法逃了 。
看見開放日那天認識內部設計的女生
馬上坐到她隔壁。
幸運，因為沒有位了。
他只好離開，還不停徘徊。

聊了一些。
發現設計和我現在讀的應該很大分別。
她忙功課，每天開夜車為了趕完成設計圖
我開夜車為加強記憶與對課本的了解都在做筆記
我和她說，想讀這個，可是大家都認為我不行
她叫我加油，我勤勞，是可以的
離開之前她說忘了我的名字
我還記得她的呢
再次自我介紹，才說再見。

高中畢業後 學校環境很快樂。
每個人都看起來很忙。有懶惰的，有勤勞的，
懶惰的也會忙著做自己的嗜好
勤勞的 會被愛聊天的拖著打擾著自己都沒察覺，
一群人去圖書館，結果只有一個人在啃書，
其他都在聊天在笑，結果要讀書，都泡湯
我知道，不能跟著她們。
以前我就是這樣，跟著一些人包了一間房
結果都在聊戲劇，經驗，有趣的事物。

我改行當獨行俠，和一個或兩個人一起就夠了
我喜歡 不被人盯著地做筆記
我不喜歡任何人看或抄我的筆記

你不讀書，我不給你壓力
你做你的我做我的，我們都滿意
結果讀到書學到新東西，有時累了還睡了一點
離開人群，非常自在，效率提高。

我喜歡，非常努力不被人看見
別人可以說，我懶，我笨，我慢，我都懂也承認
如果理解能力弱，至少我有在思考，想辦法明白
如果堅持不了，我會再試試看，說，選了這條路，就要走得風光，要拿個好看的成績出來。
如果我進步了很多 我自己知道就好
如果還是落後了跟不上，我會加油

如果最後考得不錯，
那你們還會那樣踩踏我的信心嗎？
會對我改觀嗎？

Being alone

Know what's most fucked up thing ever?

I like being with people, but not being disturbed. How do you say that. I mean... I like to sit with one or a few friends, but them fully concentrating on their own business, and I concentrate on mine. I like that respect, that privacy we coincidentally gave each other. I guess Sam and I are like that.

The main reason I can't study during highschool, is we're all forced to cramp up in a shoebox size classroom. I want the privacy. As in, I don't want people to look at what I'm doing, and make any single sound. And if you're thinking bout the library, there was no privacy in highschool library. As a librarian, every librarian aren't stranger. So no privacy. It sucked. The only alone time is at home. But at certain time, a sibling will come and annoy.

Here in college. I don't know how big is the library. But you can definitely find a spot that there's no one else. And sam's with me and we doing our own things all the time. It's kinda awesome. Coincidentally. Like hey just stay there I'll be there if you need me.

Alone is good.

Sometimes the most awful moments are, when those busy body classmates appear. And they never leave.

Hate putting down whatever I'm trying to do, just to entertain someone and wait for them to leave.

Shoo.

Tsunimi + exams

So sleepy these days. I don't know if it's because the hell cycle. Or...

Today we had a test. As usual, I suck at add math. I've been focusing on chemistry so so badly, I spent the weekend for chemistry and yesterday for bio(because we have bio today) I neglected bio badly. It's a little unlucky. Bio is easier than chemistry, but we have the spoonfeed kind of bio lecturer, while chemistry lecturer making us force ourselves to be independent(hoho we'll die without that discipline).

It's fucking tiring.
It's been the third Wednesday, I reached there and slept even tho it's so hard to sleep. *I can sleep anywhere.*

People ask, how's college?
Actually that's gonna be so subjective. It could be "it's much more tiring." OR "so far it's kinda relaxing." No.
I think.. 70% of them are fucking hardworking. They started studying before the course even started. So if you don't wanna be left behind, you gotta study. It's like... a competition. You rest, you lose. If I say I'm flipping textbooks, I'm definitely doing notes.
So how's college?
I still don't know how to answer that.
Just tiring, because I made myself tiring.

Being a girl sucks.
Still no pause.

If one day during class, you see a girl that used to sit straight without moving suddenly became weirdly moving all the time, as in, not getting comfortable in ANY SINGLE FUCKING POSITION,
Appreciate.

Movie time.

Maybe I'll watch some movies when I'm not feeling well.

I watched two movies. Gosh I'm already feeling a little guilty. Supposed to study. Well I actually planned to watch one recommended by someone, and another one Horror movie. My recklessness caused me to watch the wrong version of first one. Ugh.

Oh well I'll wait until the next time I'm not feeling well, then I'll watch that. It took six hours and that weird gastric's not completely gone yet(at least almost completely gone).

It took two movies and some struggles of trying to study, and some procrastination, some day dreaming....

So please be gone by tomorrow so I can focus better.

:3

I'm serious. Shoo.

Third week of college

Third week of college, our bio lecturer gave us a little test on the first chapter. Well I thought it's going to be testing on very detailed stuff like differences between TEM and SEM or miscroscope stuff, or.... size of organelles. And the previous day I was studying Chem till midnight (I have no choice, can't go to class without revision/studying cuz the lecturer is scaryyy). 

And then the little test turned out to be fucking easy. 

Well I think it's getting more detailed. :3 (I mean Chemistry.) 

Detailed is good. Kinda think, why tf didn't highschool let us learn all these, it's necessary! Feels so damn good to actually understand things more deeply, than just stuffing the outer image of concepts. Cuz now we really go into it, uuughh I can't explain. 

Maybe it's the highschool teachers. I never felt like hey why is this happening, I wanna know the theory, blahblah.. I used to just stuff these things and never bothered about the theory, never had the urge to find out why.

I guess really learning is what made life more livable. 

I have a new aim: I wanna know chemistry. :3 (oh gosh this sounds so impossible to achieve)

OK I guess I never mentioned much about other subjects. Maybe because there's five hours of each sciences but just around two hours of other subjects in each week. 

Ok bye. 

.

I can't archive him. I already did but he started the convo. He promised he won't touched me. But he was still sweet to me. He said he won't give commitments. He told me to fuck off. Again and again, he said he gave up. He said he's done. Yet, he's still there. He might look like he left. He might look like a big fat fucking asshole. I showed him a pic. He showed disinterest, then talked crap about the pic. He's trying hard to make me hate him don't know why. He's shooing me but he cares. Cares so much.

I will give up on him anyway.

He will make me give up.

One day I would be ok without him. Even if I care as a friend.

He's just a 20 year old boy acting like a 15, but trying to act 40.

He's not the one.

Targets

1. Put on an eternal artificial smile
2. Study very hard
3. Try again and again, and again.
4. Do not trust anyone

Fake it til you make it.

.

He's the most dangerous person that could make me go crazy, doing anything and everything I've never imagined myself of doing.
But I love that guy.
Why? I don't know

I'm abusive.
Sorry, remote. Sorry for making you into pieces. I'm very relieved that your parts are okay.
I promised myself to never break things. I'll try again. I'll try fulfilling that aim again.
I never promised myself to never break me.
I didn't break my bones. I didn't break my limbs. The physical pain can always remind me how dangerous you are. I wish I have pills next to my bed. I wish i have the guts to put a knife in my throat.

You, asshole.
The only person to give me hope then destroy me, but still, have the ability to still give me hope.
No matter how many times you make me destroy myself, I say I give up. Then say, I'll try again.

Being sucked at driving
Screwing up results
Screwing up music
Screwing up relationships

I don't know how to make myself useful to the world anymore. I heard some sayings, what had you done in life, if you never lived helping others?

The only way I can help, is scoring for pre u. I helped my classmates. If I do well, maybe I can do my degree, maybe I can be useful.

They hate me. They think I'm selfish. They think I'm arrogant cuz I take pure science and I'm studying a lot more than last year. No, peeps. I don't know if I can do well, so I'm working harder. I'm not happy. I'm not a happy person anymore. So drowning in knowledge is a way to fuck everything else.

I know I suck. I know I'm better off dying.
I'm stil trying.

And there's one thing I have to confess.
Yesterday I didn't sleep right away after saying goodnight. I studied. Cuz I remember you said, don't sleep when you're tired, sleep when you're done.

I'm sorry. I was desperate.

.

I'd like to know how death feels like
I'd like to taste death

It's definitely better as living like this.

The one I love the most, treating me like shit
not understanding
Even tho he said he'd give a chance
he lied.

I believe, he doesn't love me anymore.
And that hurts the most.

.

I wish I never existed.
Seriously, wish I never existed.
Or,
I wish my motherfuckingassholebitch sibling never existed.

You don't wanna be like your boss?
That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. You are him. You already are him. You're as worse as him. At least he's just doing everything for the sake of his company, arrogantly. You? You're nothing. A fucking piece of shit, without any fucking responsibilities.

Yes. I know, emotions still affected my doings, the way I speak, my tone. I admit that. But I'm still responsible for whatever I do and whatever I wanna do. I'll work a little more on that. I won't throw a guitar because I'm mad. I won't make fun with the fucking brake and cry like it's not my fault when the car got hit because of your ignorance.

You fucker don't deserve owning a fucking car.

Yes I was like that. Yes I broke a couple of stuff and cried. But I know it's my fault, at least I know I broke it it's my fault.
I know I destroyed my old phone. I broke my photo frame. I destroyed our relationship. I know.

I will not repeat those mistakes. I will not break anything anymore, and I will fix whatever's left in us.

I rather break my own fist, so no one would know. I rather break my wrist. I rather break my own. I rather die, I rather not exist. I rather die and turn into nothing.

Because that wouldn't hurt anyone.

Well from now on, I'll try my best to pass the test. I will try my best to be able to drive. And that time,

Beg me.

I guess the person I hate the most, is the person sleeping under my bed every night. They say monsters hid under the bed.
Totally true.

Nightmare dressed like a daydream.

Target: Treat monsters like strangers. Treat monsters fucking polite. Just don't talk to her.

.

It hurts the most losing the source of motive, which is in the broken hard disc.

It sucks to have family not understanding.

It sucks to have friends that I don't dare to tell them about it.

It sucks to have everything gone in a sec.

It sucks to have no one to talk to

It sucks being asked to fuck off by someone special

It sucks to lost everything, one short.

And no one will be there

Wood

I wish I can ask for your effort. I wish I can tell you I need you when I need you. I'm just scared to annoy you. I'm scared of you hating me. I'm scared of you saying that I'm not appreciating. I'm scared of you saying I wouldn't understand how busy you are in uni.

I understand. I understand, so well.

I also understand that you're not putting any effort in maintaining us, or fixing our relationship. I can't do this alone. I wish you know that. I need you. I need you so badly..

Wish you know how awful it was having you sleeping off without any word.
Wish you know how awful my day was.
Wish you know how much I love you.
With the memories gone, I'm just. I don't know how to go on.

I wish I have your care.
I wish I can find you at my worst.

Yeah he really slept off.
I wonder if he thinks of me.
I wonder if he misses me or not.
I wonder how the workshop went.
I wonder,
When will we ever go back to those days, I can finally feel safe even when he's asleep...

Insecurities kill.
Sadness kills.
Everything kills.

So just put on a smile and don't let him know anything.
Don't let them know anything.

Pretend that life is fine.
Pretend that life is perfect.

Smile.
Stop crying and
Fucking smile.

I'm so sorry I thought you slept off. It was the wifi speed dragging. I'm so so sorry. Not exactly blaming you....

Felt much better having small talk with you...
Being tagged by you....

Maybe he does think of me, that's why he tagged me.

Ily wood. I'll make us work out again. I'll try my very best to fix our relationship. Iloveyoucjw

。

你的難過你的顧慮你的難過你的期望，他不會理。他已經不是以前的他了，他不會像以前那樣愛你。你看看他怎麼和你對話，他不理，他怎麼傷人。他不懂他的敷衍對我來說多令人難受。他不理了。他也不懂 為什麼你重視那些照片那些錄音。他不疼你了。

不管照片在不在，不管錄音在不在，我是應該把他們刪了。我是應該了解，過去就過去了。如果再也聽不到他的我愛你，那就算了。

.

I depended on them.
They're the ones that reminded me, there is hope. They happened, even if something went wrong, it can be fixed, and it can be great again. Their existence gave hope. Their existence tells, if it doesn't work out in the future, I still have them.

But now I don't have them.

They're what kept me going.

If life sucks, if life's a torture, at least it used to be good.

Now there's just nothing.

I lost the audios.
All of them.

I lost them all..

I lost the only way to hear you calling me that.
I lost the only way to still hear you say those to me.

How to still have hope

I lost our photos

I'm a fucking bitch.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to speak to everyone like that. I didn't mean to just throw tantrum on everyone.

I had a phone call during class. Almost ignored it, but then picked it up and went out.

He said he can't save the files in it.
He asked, are there important files?
What's your fucking definition of important?
Are ten years memories important?
Are songs that accompanied you since young until now important?
Are every single photo that's related to your love important?

I saved the selected important ones, in a pendrive. But the rest are important too.

Fuck my life.

There was once, he left. The only things that he left were these, that I will never ever delete.
I don't know if we can go back to how it used to be. I don't know if we can rebuild these memories.

And I screwed up the rest of the class.

I screwed everything up.

I wanna talk. No, I don't wanna talk.
I wanna sleep all day and wake up with the hard disc fixed. I want to wake up and save a thousand copies in different places so they will never be gone..

I don't understand.
Fuck

Wood.

I put in  100% effort. To save our relationship. You never did. You acted like you care, sometimes. Then sometimes back to being mean. You're always mean. Sometimes I don't even know what am I.

I'm back with you, but I'm not exactly back with you.
You accepted me, but not exactly accepted me.
Three fucking months, I still love you, I still want you. You tried to make me leave.

You always almost succeeded.
But then I think of how we used to be, and I kept trying. I thought of how your love tasted like, I thought, you're worth another try. And another. And another.

Do you still love me ?
From your kisses, I thought you do.
But from your actions, I don't think you still do.
One last try.

Yet, it's so hard.

Yh, remember.
Remember how his love tasted.
It's worth the terrible.
It's worth loving all along.
It's worth.

You already died anyway.
Even if he never loves you back,

You died, right after his love left.

Huntsman kissed her and she revived.
Maybe if one day
You love me back
Maybe you could bring me  back to life.

I know we're not official.
I know you might kill whatever that's left in this relationship, after any freaking mistake I made.
I know, not to expect.

Still.

I still cried my eyes off when I thought I did something wrong.
I thought you wanted me to leave forever this time.
I thought you're taking back the last chance you're giving.

I'm just scared.
Every minute, every sec.
I don't wanna lose you, even when I already did.

Updates.

These days there's so much happening.

Loads of issues. It all started when my sister got into the company. She hates the boss so badly she calls him "死老闆". Oh gosh. It all sounded like a challenge to me.

College is getting scarier. Everyone's hardworking. We did went out for lunch, several times. But then we all stayed to eat, to save time, and money. Maybe it's just the second week. But it's really getting scary.

Well him and I getting better I guess. I took every single chance, going out. Sometimes unable to finish homework. Sometimes plans destructed. Sometimes just so tiring. But it's all worth it.

When you were nice, I expected the worst. I expected that you were just nice.

My family are asking. Are you back with him?
No, just friends.
Then friends be like "Don't repeat the same mistake, don't expect, blahblah."

I wanted to tell you
If one day you made up your mind
to make us "us" again
Wear it, and I'll know.
But I didn't get to tell you that.

When you did,
You have no idea how (happily) shocked I was
:D

Still didn't dare to expect anyway...
I hope we get better and better.

Quit ?

Everybody degrading me. Shut tf up.

Dad kept encouraging me to switch to auto. I don't wanna do that. I asked him why. He said manual is hard to pass. Since we can take auto now, why manual? And he said, he doesn't want me to retake. He wants me to pass it fast and easily and get it done.

You're saying I can't do what others can do. The instructor was slightly impatient. She said everyone else got it so quickly but I kept processing. Yeah. I'm slow. Let me process. Let me practice. Fuck everyone. I'm scared of the road, and also controlling a vehicle. You should be worry more, if I do everything fast. I'll kill us before I even head to anywhere.

I said it's hard doesn't meant I'm giving up, dad. Add math is hard. Chemistry is hard. Should I just give up studies and start working? Bar chords are hard to press. I should quit guitar too? Wtf? Seriously. Just let me practice! Damn wtf is wrong.

Why tf can't any of you give me a little bit of mental strength, but just telling me to give up, and how fucking slow I am? So fucking frustrated.

I will fucking pass this shit. Even if it requires a few attempts. At least I am trying. Don't tell me to give up chemistry, or add math, or driving a manual car. If you don't wanna get your own life but continue to mock my failures, well, K.

Well if I failed, I'll use my monthly pocket money. Don't say that I'm wasting. Whatever. Doesn't affect anyone else anyway.

Get a life.

.

I've been such a cry baby this lately.

I cried so badly listening to 執子之手 because you said you wanted me as your wife. I cried listening to 記得 because you said till death do us apart. I cried just randomly because I thought we don't match, indeed. I cried because I still want to love you but it's so hard when you're acting this way. I cried because you missed me and texted me to check on me, and I'm happy. I cried because I thought you really didn't want to talk to me, but then you told me, I did not inform you. I cried because you were just a little mad that I did not tell you everything. I cried because I'm happy that you still treat me as yours and you care too, you want the best for me.

All in one day. I just wanna say, I love you.

Half blood prince

Bestie, huh. I was so wrong about him. So it turned out he has intentions. Stop talking to me when you're heartbroken. Wow. Giving you a big wow.

Besties tell me about themselves, and curiously asks one another. Wanting to know everything.

That dude, is fucking friendly. Yup. I was right about guys' friendliness are fake.

I tell my bestie about how my crush and how it went. I tell my bestie how it's like and how bad it went. My bestie tells me to let go. My bestie calls me to check on me. My bestie talks to me and make sure I won't kill myself. My besties care and know my feelings they let me pour out and encourage me to spam all I want.

I turned off every individuals' notification except for his. His remained. His light has a different colour, and my phone vibrates when he finds me. I only let group chats stay on cuz none of them are active anyway. You know what? Two days ago I customized you, and out your notifications as fb pops. Because I thought you're different.
Guess I was right to not tell you anything.

Well dear you. Fuck off my life.

.

I cant sleep. I'm not sure what time I'm driving, but I can't sleep. Luckily class cancelled on Monday.

For what happened on Tues, I told myself. It's the end. It's completely over. If anyone wondered why I changed my link, I wanted to avoid someone reading these.

I know. I told myself, if he replied, then there's hope. As long as he replies, there will be hope.

So I tried being a friend.

It's an honour to be your friend.

For what happened on that Friday night, I thought, we're more than just friends. I thought, there clearly is, hope. ..

I don't know what to do.

I usually tell people, I don't care. Fuck everything, I'm focusing on studies. Fuck everything and just don't cause further damages to those stuff.

But I don't know what to do. Schools' reopening. I'm scared of that. I'm scared of you finding someone better. I'm scared of you forgetting me. I'm scared of losing you even tho I already did, and I'm scared of losing that chance to fix us. I'm scared of you taken away forever.

3am. Fucked. Up. And I thought my heart has turned into metal.

That Friday what you said to me. Please be real.

I remember that one month after that day of October. It was hell. Absolute fucking hell. Being forced to study, forced to smile, forced to eat, breath and move on like nothing happened. Being forced to live.

And because of that, I believe you're the one I dreamed of having. If it has to be past tense, then that's it.

I don't want a repetition of whatever we did together. It's by will, it's what I want to do for just one person. Only for you.

。

一次又一次地，失去了你
重拾了希望 再次努力 還是失去了你
一直說我愛你我想你，是怕你忘了
怕你以為我忘了 但我並沒
死不了心。
突然你和要我對你更像個朋友
你知道那天 和那天哭了多久嗎
把拳頭打壞了 但並沒有明顯的瘀青 所以你不懂
你知道嗎
我徹徹底底絕望了
我和黃莉說，我們真的走不下去了
她懷疑地說， 是嗎？

我知道要對你朋友點
雖然知道你為了你的朋友 放棄和我約的電影
你提早告訴了我
我Ok啊，都確定取消了
雖然心底默默希望著
就像你叫我死心我還是帶著點希望
你告訴我的，有機會就上!

今天你居然吻了我。
在電影院那裡  我不是很明白
我牽了你的手
你過一陣子才反應過來把我弄走

在車上 我吻你
你沒有反抗
應該很難過吧
抱抱是絕對需要的
我想 在你不開心的時候抱著你
我想安慰你
我想支持你直到一輩子

你不要我。
你說 你不是不要我
問我不覺的我們性格不合嗎
我說我們慢慢來吧

你認真地思考了一陣

你吻我那時候就感覺到
你還愛我的。

你把我甩了後
直到現在

我不懂怎樣可以讓我更難過了

啄 回來好嗎
我們可以再試試 好嗎

Pre U.

I want to befriend bananas.

Chemistry was scary. Tuesday's and today's, are equally scary. It's like I've been away from studies since a long time ago. (Actually it was just a month ago) She threw us some handouts and said, we should know how to do. I was stunned, froze there looking at the question. It took few mins to process, and yep I remember how to do them. 

Today was much better. She and I were a little blur. The boys are smarter.

Okay. There's about 14 of us. The tables are four by four, few rows on each side, leaving a space in the middle. We had greater interactions since yesterday, that's why today was much better. I don't feel like sitting among in a group of strangers anymore.

Maybe I can handle it, I just have to work harder.

Hoodie came to talk to me. I think he's the only one who doesn't speak chinese. That compliment. Haha. It's been months since I heard it. Since he left.

I wish I blend in well. Ugh.

College weirdos

Half blood said he can be my bestie. I wanna cry so badly. I really wish we can. So I told him, let's have a deal. Let's never fall for each other. Anyway, I decided to let him. Maybe we could be bestie. Maybe he can let me talk to when I just have to die.

I decided to befriend Nic. He's different from us normal people. I shouldn't treat him any different. I felt bad. He might not even know what he did to deserve this treatment. Wood, you don't know him. I don't know him too, but I know he's a little friendly but a little weird. That's no reason to avoid him.

Him,,.... we were okay before. Then I fucked up. No. I don't even know how I fucked it up. If you want me to pretend that I don't love you at all, if you want me to look just like one of your unfriendly classmates... I could do that. Yep, I could. Thanks for saying, see how.

Since your see how is different from my see first.

As long as you didn't ignore me, there will be a chance.

Orientation

Orientation day. Mmmm... it went ok. Well.. In the morning I was randomly scrolling fb, and saw my batch of friends commenting in a post related to intake. Some of them said starting later, one commented hers was today. So I added on: me too. Then personal chat realizing that she and I are going to the same college.

Quite a close friend four years ago. I taught her how to read Korean. We called each other "pabo". Which means "fool". We're taking different courses, but I guess I found someone to sit with in the hall.

Speeches were as usual, just in English. So greatful with that. And then we separated to our own courses. There's a homeschooling girl sitting next to me, taking exact same subjects. She's my chance to practice English(knows Chinese but doesn't speak. Knew that from the fluency). So we were with the ausmatians. I turned around to see my classmates, and I saw that guy. Oh gosh how unlucky.

I remember replying crap to him last year. He even asked me to his school stuff, I said no. And there was once he did something weirder. I blocked him right away. Few days ago his other account wanted to add me. I ignored. He scares me.

Turned back.
There was a station game. I thought orientation day was supposed to let us know more about our course mates. Instead, I get to know other course peeps. There's a cute girl from China, and others from not too far away. Dodgeball is a scary game. I feel like working out so badly, because I couldn't throw hard. Damn, and there's only one guy in the group. The china girl was most outgoing, even tho she had a hard time speaking English. She thought to stuff to do when we were blindly boring and waiting.

"So, what's all of your new year wish?"
I didnt really wanna talk when it was my turn.
"You don't have one?"
"Yes, I have."
"What is it"
"For a chance for him and I to start over."

What they say

You two look like just before breaking up.
Yeah I'm confused too. But I like it this way. I'm telling you. I'm not overthinking or expecting anything, so don't worry. We are friends.

"Help me ask him, the date of his next sem." I whispered.
"Why don't you ask him yourself, he's your ...."
Well I stunned for awhile.
No, we are friends now.

Today was awesome, satisfying. I'm happy.
I mumbled asking a question which I'm afraid of the reply.

Thanks for everything anyway
Like I said, I'll wait.
Til..... you know when.