Miracles

When I tapped into stories and saw rivergrass's. I was stunned, and I replayed it, and replayed it. It was a short cute video.

Can a relationship that has been ended for six years revive? They did. It was so lovely. My heart full of butterflies. Please stay sweet. Gahhh too adorable 😍😭😭 I got hyped.

Wood says, look, miracles do happen.

Guess what the voice said?
If it's a happy ending, then it's not the end.

That's so cruel. I think if that voice inside voices out to happy couples, I would get punched. Hey I'm not cursing you all. I really do hope you lovely people stay sweet until the end.

He gave me a poker face.

I don't deny that it's a miracle. But it's a miracle that we worked for together.

Yeah. You're right.

I was breaking myself into pieces the past few years. Dumb as fuck. I could've just lived normally, not giving any shit to anyone. Carefreely. Then maybe life will still go normal and awesome. I didn't have to fill myself with these kinds of new "reality" thoughts and kill every single positive possibility.

I did thought of going back to him.

Ignore the voices, and give it one last try. Risk it, or I'll never know if it works, right?

I missed him. So much.
He's back to me, matured than ever.

There were so so many times I thought telling him things might piss him off. There were so many times I expected myself to get twenty stabs in the heart. But then, he bit my arm, lightly as ever. He said, it's okay. He was softer as ever. Everytime I expected myself to get some cold slap in the face, I get a light pinch and a smile.

He's back, softer. He said, in the future he would be busier. But even if the quantity reduces, the quality will be there, he said. He said, he would never give up. He said, these years he tried to go after some other people, but they didn't work, cuz it's just not right.

I don't wanna view it as him unable to find someone else then he comes back to me.
Even tho the voice may force me to think like that.

Give it a try.
Give it a try.

I think it's cool that sometimes I can feel two voices. Haha. It's starting to grow.

One side telling me not to believe.
Another side telling me to embrace him.

Wood will always win.

Miracles happen, but it takes both of us to work together for it.

It begins from me alone, of course it failed.
Now it's him alone.

I don't wanna push him away, actually...
Stubborn ass heart.

I'm so fucking conflicting.

Upside down updates.

I'm not sure what happened to us. I'm not sure what happened to my life too.

Everything's literally upside down. Wood's back around me, sweetest as ever. Moon's gone forever. But the difference is, I wasn't quite welcoming wood back into my arms. I think It trying to let go of the past. To let go of everything he did that might scare the shit out of me. I'm trying to accept that he really wasn't the same anymore. He said, when he came close to me, my heart says no. It's um.... Surprising how he can read my heart. He said, it lasts for five seconds maximum. He says, he will never give up. I remember I said that too. I said that for a year, and finally I realized it was time to let go. He will give up when he realized it too.

Moon case, I'm not sure. I'm gonna assume that I lost this friend. Maybe I was too harsh? I wasn't that harsh, I thought. I don't know. We're basically having icy cold conversation. It's like we had a big argument and we decided to end this friendship. Did we? I dont know. I only know, when he gave me a letter, I muted him. I was pissed. I only know, this recently I am really pissed at him. Pissed that he gave me a letter. Pissed that he wasn't helping at all. I thought we were appreciating each other's Kindness.

Does a relation end just because of concern? Do we screw up strong bonds from caring? One of the reasons wood broke up with me. He cared too much, and exhausted himself to his very boundary. I don't like moon's attitude. I really don't. This is why, the most we can be would be friends. But this is why, I couldn't have much confidence in this friendship. I'm sorry that I get offended easily. If I text you to ask how the fuck you are, I would never expect you to give such a rude answer. Even if it's a joke, my fault then, being annoyed at how you joke. I used to hate the way you act during badminton games. But I guess I forced myself to half accept that. You're like that, and I know you. You're not mean, you're just being you, joking in an inappropriate way in my opinion. That's none of my business. But are you gonna hate me for being easily offended? To give me a letter just because of that?

The difference between the current me and the old me, I will not swallow my pride to beg for something stupid. Everything is temporary, and I accept that.

Give me a letter and I will hate you. Because you know how much I hate that letter. I will not apologize for being such a short tempered person. You can do the things you like. Mock people. Be rude. But to intentionally do the things that you knew how much I hate it, that's unforgivable.

We are done.

I'm still assuming he wouldn't read this, according to how cold our conversations have become. I accept reality. I will be mad, very mad at you for a couple days, a couple hours. But I will get over it. I'm so glad that wood left me, and allowed my perception of reality to develop this way. I'm so glad, I can literally get over you shitty people.

I remember when it was his birthday, I was at Japan. I felt bad for not being there for him. But my heart was there anyway. My heart was there for ET, Loong, Cinnamon and also Moon. I got myself some ebony wood pieces. There I decided to carve his name.

It wasn't perfect, but ebony is one of the strongest woods in the world. I wanted to say, I meant it. Despite the cruel reality, despite how much I hate and unhate you that inconsistently, I hope you will always remember that we used to be close. I guess. I was right anyway.

Relationships never last. Friendships are no different. Everything ends.

Wood made so much effort to show that he really cares for me. I saw it, I felt it all. But still. I have this voice inside. This voice that tells me, don't fall for it. Look at your best friend. I will always believe, shits will always happen when you're at the happiest point of your life.

It's a great day today.
Which means tomorrow I will suffer.

Someone special can be the guy you call when you're so terrified.
Someone special can be the guy that pops up in to your mind once you finish busying, he could be the first one you want to run to, and update everything.
It can wait, when it didn't happen.
It can wait.

At the end, he still leaves your life.

Such a great example of reality.

Gosh, I realized I do have a little tiny hope in this friendship. I realized, there is disappointment. But there. There there, cheers to life, that you can never fall as low as I did before. Bring everything, everyone away from me and look at me being fine.

.

And suddenly I'm getting free time, sitting in an air con room, chilling. I'm starting to go blank. I think...

I'm thinking about texting him, but I know, he has an exam tomorrow. I don't, Shandy doesn't too. We're pretty free. And then... I don't know if I should text him. I'm starting to think, I don't really know him anymore.

He has a test tomorrow. If I text him, is he gonna explode and kill me? I don't know. But I'm afraid he would. I was thinking, I shouldn't judge him by the past. I shouldn't expect this and that. I shouldn't just...... I don't know. I shouldn't just assume that he'll always be him.

I think I should try to get to know him all over again. I should allow him to self intro again.

Two years back, the voice said:
We're not broken just bent.
He said he'd be my first and last, so be patience.
A year ago it changed to:
He will never come back.
Promises are temporary, sad truth bout life.
And now...
He came back. The problem is, until when?
Don't trust, don't give in.
To love is to destroy.
Love makes us blind, makes us dumb and stupid, it kills us! Fuck that shit, I'm awesome alone.

He said, he will never give up.
You will. It says, you will give up. You'll get tired of me like you did before, and you will leave. But guess what? You can't hurt me. I'm heartless. Try me.

And I feel sorry for him.
I'm sorry that people change. This is life.

I'm sorry that I wouldn't try to make efforts.
Cuz you made too much. I don't know see where we're going. We're not gonna progress from that, don't you see?

I need to reintroduce myself, that I'm a fucking negative person. Yes. I believe that promises never last. I believe everything is temporary. I'm always ready for my friends to leave. The newest ones that got close to me would know how frequent I take photos. They would know how much appreciation I showed. But when they leave, I believe that it's fate. Fate wants to end this relation, end it. Life wants to make this friend leave, bring him away. But at the same time, I accept this fate. I may be pissed, sad for a little moment. But this is also, temporary. This is something everyone should have, I believe. To save themselves from damage..

I'm sorry that it breaks you seeing the way I'm different. But look, I'm happy, aren't I?

.

When the world gives you everything you wanted. You wanted an okay result, you wanted your ex to come back to you. But you no longer want that. You adapted to change, in order to make it tru that shitty time. You learnt to be alone, to party, to be happy just by being yourself.

You finally get all you wanted.
But that's not how, right?

We evolve, we don't reverse evolution. Survival of the fittest. You became fit, and you got thrown back to the old environment.

Let's just say, I forget all the shits that happened in the past.
Everyone has to learn to forgive and forget, in order to move on. What if I finally did it? And it didn't want me to.

I tried. I want to feel again. I allowed you to pick up my cold hands. There was nothing. It's not there anymore. I'm so sorry.

Idk what happened to me.

I can look at you, admire you the same, even more, whenever you motivate, whenever your passion shows. You're still that fucking attractive when you help people.

I thought, this is how I felt before I fell for you.

Is it possible to fall for someone for the very second time right after all hopes and dreams have died off? Is it possible to regain all that faith?

I don't even do anything when I had crush on people. I feel so empty, so empty that I don't feel like doing anything to fix that.

I taught myself, when shits happened, tell yourselves, "This is life." And move on. This is how, how we survive. Isn't it ?

I no longer feel anything when you tried to hold me, or hug me, there was nothing at all...

You know I'm done with love, when I started saying things like this when I was drunk.

Have you ever gotten so disappointed you give up to the point where it's just... Nothing anymore ?

I'm so sorry people. I'm not sad. I'm not unhappy or anything, it's been the second week of degree, and life has turned upside down. Everyone started throwing me questions, and I'm starting to say "meh" to everything. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I finally understand why, rivergrass once told me that it wasn't a good thing to not get affected by things.

Because you forget how to feel.

.

I find myself filled with stupid unnecessary fears.

What's gonna happen when Wood sees me? Are we gonna wave and smile? Or are we gonna walk past each other like nothing happened?

Should I tell him that I passed? Should I talk to him a little before I go?
Experiences told me, do not. Do not text him.

But wouldn't it be mean?

He would be mean if I text him, cuz it would look like I'm desperate.

So I leave like this? I go to him without saying anything?

I had a bad dream about a guy trying to murder me. He killed my friend there, while I fell face down, a floor down, facing some stuff. He thought I was dead, but I just fucked my face, so I had to go tru some stuff and become a new person.

I'm getting bad dreams daily. Again. This is like two years ago man. Felt like something bad's gonna happen.

Ugh..

Stop being worried about uni.

A levels reuslts

I just got my A levels results. Last night after badminton I was already trying to check them. But they weren't released yet at that time. I thought, maybe it's the UK time zone. It's not the release date yet.

Idk how to describe my feelings rn.

I felt I might fail. I was so worried I might fail everything just like how I failed them all during trials. But I told myself, I wasn't prepared for trials. But was I prepared for A2? I was sick. I was sick when I stayed up every fucking night destroying my immune system, just to stuff all that knowledge firmly into my head. I did that halfway and I was down. Was I prepared for A2? I wasn't, too. I was prepared for bio, that's all. Maybe that's why, my bio for A2 was just 2 marks away from AS. This tells me that I can do better for AS. I could've gotten an A if I did better for AS.

I wasn't really strong at chem. All I can say is.... I definitely improved a lot. But that's not enough. But to think of it, I was physically half dead right afrer bio paper. I didn't have much hope for chem. So this result is supposingly satisfying. But another few marks I could've gotten a B. I did better than SPM tho. That's for sure.

Math? I always thought I'm failing math. But I didn't. Ok I almost failed it. I'm relieved I didn't get an ugly U. U means no marks given. Means less than 40. Means fail. I got a score. An ugly one, but at least I got one.

I meet the requirements to uni. It's not borderline meet. It's firm.

"Won't meet exactly but will exceed."
He said.

You were right. I exceeded. In average, I needed around 20 marks to fail each subject. My scores aren't close to failing. Why was I even so afraid of failing? Because of trials? Or getting sick for the entire month? I wish I can get back my paper. Wish I can see what I got wrong. Ugh. I wanna crai. I seriously thought I did so so bad for chem. It was fucking hard. Omg. Everything was hard. But chem paper made me want to die afterwards.

Thank you for having such confidence in me, when I didn't have it. Oh gosh thank you for believing in me.

Text us if it's good news, don't if it's bad news.
I hope I text you guys...

They're awesome peeps.

If I fail, I will see you guys next Wednesday.

I guess that's it......

.

Maybe I have an issue. Maybe I have a seasonal mood swing. I honestly don't really know what's wrong with me. It's August it's just August. Maybe there's a time of the year I start being a useless shit. I should lock myself in my room and stop human interaction. There's always this period that all my drafts, my posts became a tiny fullstop. There's always this period...

I feel like I've been hurting people. I walk around, whenever I start to speak, I hurt someone. I'm starting to feel sorry for people around me. Why am I like this? I'm not supposed to be like this.

I spoke harsh to mom, to grandma. I get annoyed so easily. I felt like I'm starting to stop conversations. I last seened my bestie. I gave ine word replies to people that care about me. I scolded my friend. I was pretty unhappy with so many people. What is wrong with me???

Somehow I thought maybe I shouldn't go out anymore. I should stop hurting people with my shitty words. I should stop talking. Stop existing.

Ugh. I'm starting to think, if this moment I go for drinks I'd start cursing all the way. Just like I did on that day.

LA's supposed to help me. Seems like it's losing power.

I don't wanna fuck up my fist again just for someone unworthy like you.

That's like the meanest thing that's appeared in my head for so long, I'm glad I didn't say it out loud.

.

What are you doing after this trip?
Fall into crippling depression.
I laughed, then realized, he wasn't kidding at all.

I realized, shits happen when people starts overthinking. There was a time, I thought I was overthinking the whole situation. It wasn't completely because of me overthinking anyway. We've gone tru hardshits. He was stressed. The stress passes down to me. Therefore I was stressed.

One very fucking sad song with a fucking emotional music video triggered it all. I was being desperate. That probably annoyed him. The more he avoids, the more I thought, I was losing him. So I was right.

I did wrong. What's the point realizing you did wrong after every shit you've done?

I can't say that I don't ever punch my rage out of everything. I never punched blood out of my fist tho, this is definitely new. When wood was with me. When I was fucking depressed without wanting anyone to know, I got my fist swollen. Haha. Boys will be boys. I can never tell much about him. I'd ruin his image towards my fam, and he wouldn't like that. So I guess I chose to tell the walls. Walls wouldn't hurt people. It hurts me back. Haha. Good wall.

It stopped happening for a very long time. I can't remember the last time I got my fist swollen. Oh well,

Idk what's happening out there. I'm at my comfort zone. My room, my paradise. Maybe mom's ran away from home. She did that all the time anyway. Such a fucking great way to escape. If I were her, I wouldn't drive myself somewhere alone to cry. I'd get myself some drinks, I'd get fucking happy and spend a night alone, maybe. She's just pure dumb.

No one's gonna be there for you. You gotta be there for yourself.
Yeah someone's gonna be there for you. But eventually, they get tired of your bullshit. So if you don't pick yourself up, nobody will.

This is what my first breakup taught me anyway.
Your first love is the first one who breaks your heart.

In your case, that would be dad.

.

I fucking hate this shit. Sometimes I question myself, why do shits keep happening? These recently. I've got off a plane. I've got back from several trips. I'm fucking thankful that I have a perfectly normal fam and a grandma who can cook so well, so well that I'm happily willing to turn down dinner night outs with some friends that I might not even see them ever again.

When life gives you different choices. You get to choose. You feel like you've been distant from being away so much, you miss squad A. You get to choose, squad A or squad B. You do know that you're almost never gonna see squad B anymore. So which one?

I miss grandma's dishes, but I miss them all too, birthday meals are still on. But am I doing too much? Are they necessary?

My mind tells me to keep the shits to myself. Stay out of business, stay happy, stay contained. I was pretty bored after all those trips. I kept thinking bout the things I should've done. I'm supposed to be reading up on new syllabuses. I'm supposed to be looking up on interns just in case. I'm not supposed to miss anyone else who's been living their life busily.

But sometimes, shits come to us. They give you a pair of teary eyes, begging you for help when you know there is nothing you can do. They force your nose out and yell for help. They make your blood boil and put you into a situation where you say something wrong and you get all the blame. I didn't even say anything.
I'm supposed to be fucking sad to leave home cuz I would miss them all. I'm supposed to be spending the time super fucking wisely just so I know I do a good job appreciating all of them friends and fam. But can you believe it? I can't wait! I can't wait to leave! I thought I was scared. Scared that I might be too antisocial and not get any super duper close friends like how it went in A levels. I'm supposed to be scared of the dark, scared of sitting alone just because I've been watching too much horror movies that I pee being fucking alert at all times.

I can't wait to leave. You know?

Mom. I know you have a fucking fucked up tough life. But partly, that's your fault! You don't have to do this. You don't have to stick your nose out of everything and blame yourself when life aren't going the way it should be ! So leave it. Love is a choice. Maintaining a relationship is a decision. Dad is a fucking boss. He wouldn't let go pride for anything. You don't tell me your shits. Cuz I can't fucking help you. You will ruin my idea of forever, oh wait you don't even have to, cuz my EX did that already. Nothing's gonna last forever so leave it. So accept it. Stop telling me. I can't help you. I can't help the way grandma is mean to your mom too. I can't help. Yes indeed you feel helpless. And when you tell me, you fuck up my day, that's all. Stop. Let me go.

Going on trips

I wanna talk about the two places. Ok recently I've been to three places. Taiwan, Japan and Penang. I guess I already talked about the chaoticness in Taiwan.

Tbh...... It's always chaotic, wherever I go. There's always dramas, dramas, dramas. Japan, it would be aunt.

I remember when I was young, I always threw tantrums on her. I hated her very much, but I didn't remember why. After this trip, I remember.

She's a very straightforward and short tempered person. That sounds fine, right? But going on a trip depending on her, that's not fine. Of course, we all tried our very best to tolerate her, to ignore every mean thing she said. We tried to treat her right. To accept that she's just aged and grumpy. But I did said something mean back to her.

Living under stress wasn't pleasant at all. You can look at all the photos I've posted. The selfies, the smiles, getting lesser and lesser. I thought I was doing fine. I thought I could manage a week under someone like this. I remember, at the very day 7, my sister talked to mom loudly, warning her that we'd get scolded if we delay. I told sis, speak softer and dont let aunt hear us. She said, she wants to let her hear.

The very last day, she threw my book. And I said,
Do you think I bring my book for you to throw?
I remember stomping across the room to get it back, then blasting loud music in my earphones. The stomping was satisfying cuz Japan houses are made of wood.

I know, I did wrong. But I was really damn fucking pissed tho. You can treat me like shit, you can talk to me like a slave. But you do not touch my belongings. You don't treat my stuff like shit. I can accept the shit, but I won't tolerate when you treat them that way.

I'm pretty sure, somewhere I did said, Japan trip was finally over. In some ways, it's a relieve. I'm glad it ended. I'm glad I get my freedom back, and I could finally breathe without being alert that I might do anything wrong and get dissed in anyway.

Honestly, I really don't hate her. In many ways, I do know how to convince myself how to be okay when humans are being bitches. But well...... There aren't always great times.

How about Penang? There are smaller dramas. Dramas just within my own damn head tbh.

It's the gay couple. Five of us went to a trip. Me, shell, hoodie, class rep and his bf. It was pretty okay when everyone's energetic. But near the end of the trip, the couple was getting lazier and lazier. We bought a thirty ringgit bus pass, and we get a week of unlimited bus service. They started wanting to call Grab instead. Oh that's actually fine. You wanna waste money and drag all of us to do that with you guys, that's pretty fine. But then. There are five of us. I can't believe you're willing to lie and lie, and lie, put up a show, pretend that you never know the law. How would 19 year old teens not know the law? Plus you're even lying about your age. I'm pretty okay to go for Grab, but to lie about it just to save money from calling a six seated Grab? That's unethical. That's fucked up. You want to save money? Take bus, the one we all payed for at the first day of the trip. I can't believe it man... It's all tolerating the babies. The oldest ones act like the most immature ones.

They decided to exclude orange from the trip, just because she was whiney from the level of tireness we had from the last trip. I know, walking this much, is indeed tiring. I was tired too I just didn't make any noise. She did a tiny complain and she's out. I think the couple did much worse than she did. All she did was telling us that she has to rest. But the couples, they found an easy way out, to drag all of us down the unethical route. Which one's worse?

I'm pretty sure I had a mind full of thoughts, but I didn't really show. I don't think I can go out with gay couples anymore. I'm a terrible friend.

I dislike immature old kids treating me like a kid. But I know you're 9 years older than I am afterall, so I should definitely tolerate you like my aunt.

Maybe I'm just better going solo. Or an ever smaller group. Four girls is better than a gay couple plus two girls one guy. Or maybe I just couldn't tolerate the unethical part. Treat me like a kid and I'd slowly disrespect you. But go unethical, I judge you in my heart, and I guess that'll be the last trip we'd go together. I'd proudly be excluded, maybe it's a good thing orange didn't go, they might have conflicts.

I'm so happy to be home. It's not that all the trips sucked. It's just...... Living a life without trips are tiring enough. It makes me return home and feel the house full of peacefulness. It makes me miss my grandma's cooking and my sister's mess.

In this trip, I think I connect the most with hoodie. He's a very innocent guy. I'm happy he started telling me things when he was sober. And he told me even more when he got tipsy. We drank, twice. The second time, I took his drinks. We weren't that good at lying dices, but I didn't wanna lose just to let him drink lesser. I'd rather let him lose and I take his drinks. I don't get how he gets tipsy tho. Five bottles, and the two boys drank with ice. How did he get tipsy??? He confessed to me tho. He confessed that he's given up. So it's cool that he tells. Thanks for telling me. I knew them earlier anyway, but it takes balls to do that. You're innocent AF, but definitely manly than the couple. I hope life doesn't turn you into a jerk. And like you say, let's stay friends. We're that cool.

I connect more with shell too. She's too adorable. In among five of us, I think the most manly ones are actually shell and I. I mean, mentally. Physically, of course, hoodie and class rep's bf win. Then it'll be me. Haha. I do hope we stay in touch. 😭😭

So when people ask, how's your holiday? How's Jap? How's Penang? I'd say, it's awesome. It was awesome, just if we ignore the shits....

Shore talk

We're having a penang trip. Five days trip. I thought it was too crazy long but oh well...

Many inner thoughts. There's just five of us, me, shell, hoodie, class rep and his bf. This is a very extremely weird couple. Especially his bf. Idk how else to describe him besides weird. But class rep's weird too sometimes. I guess it's a nice match.

That day they brought us to a bar. I thought the price was okay, but it wasn't actually that okay. but at least we get to have free snacks. That day, I realized hoodie seems pretty sed. Class rep told him, let's enjoy these five days and not think about shits.

I used to think, I'm not really connected to my coursemates and Idk why. No matter how much I try, it's not there. I thought, we may look close, but that's just how it looks. I find it hard to start conversations. I'd have to avoid awkwardness and start it anyway. How do we start?

How's life.
What are you doing after this trip.

Hoodie says, falling into crippling depression.

Today I talked to him. I guess I felt bad whenever everyone speaks in Chinese and he couldn't understand. I told him about ET squad, Loong squad, moon, etc. Then he told me about his crippling depression. His parents. His mom sounds like me tho. The me before breaking up with wood. The me who was desperately needing his trust. I'm a free soul. I can't be tied up. I can, maybe. But there's a limit.

We both were wrong.
He shouldn't put all his stress on me, making my day terrible, suffocated.
I shouldn't get affected by his treatment, I knew how stressed he was.

He asked me, which one's priority? Love or freedom?
I think both. If you love someone, you give them the freedom. If they love you back, they should know their boundary, they will not let you feel insecured at all. That's how. You trust.

It's pretty sentimental.

Just sitting by the shore, legs dangling. The breeze was crazy. There was so much saltiness in the air. Haha. Great talk, hoodie. This is like the first time listening to your inner voice. The reason of your crippling depression.

To me, going on a vacation with people that you're not completely connected with, is to connect. You bond. Of course, you enjoy, but speaking it out would make you enjoy even more afterwards, isn't that right?

Seaweed says he's going on a trip to Taiwan with peeps he doesn't even connect with. It's like my case tho. I said, don't sigh, just go. Maybe there's a chance to get closer?

And these type of conversation is how.