ET squad + pineapple

Today's actually... A very nice day. :) I always felt this happy after meeting up with pineapple lol. I think she spreads the positivity.

I'm thankful to everyone. Everyone was nice. I guess. I haven't been seeing pax for so long. He's still this cool. Duhhh. Good that he told me about his lecturer stress. :D Imma listener. Then I briefly intro the peeps. He told me, to not go to these places. Yeah.... I agree tho. Dangerous places. But I think we had a great time. He actually gave me a bag of secondhand shuttles. Lol thanks, that was random.

Today was a nice day. After badminton, Loong fetched both pineapple and I to a restaurant. Then we were talking about how she's a heartbreaker, how I then became one, seaweed, gabba, awwww memories! Great times.

Loong said I'm not playing well today. Yes, you are very accurate. I literally had bad bad insomnia so I got up to study, how crazy was that! I definitely didn't have enough sleep! At all!! And three hours badminton hahahahahaha so gg.

Your face wasn't changing at all, we are same.
Yeah kinda. It's a good thing tho. And at the same time it worries me. The nightmare is possible. Gg. Haih....

They said I improved in alcohol tolerance. Well, I didn't drink fast, so of course I didn't get close to drunk. Pineapple said I was becoming alcoholic. Tina said, slightly. Then they told ck and her about how I clinked glasses with the Singaporeans. Sounded like it was a good thing (when it's actually not) lol. And that I could take down crisp. Can I? V was like *huge eyes*.

How many glasses did you drink?
Eight and a half, sober AF. 
Laughs. Improve ady leh.

Let's go drink, you have car and you're free AF.
ah nope no thanks bruhs I have pineapple to fetch and lots of stuff to talk about with her haah.

Thanks bros for training up my tolerance.
Thanks V for being concerned when peck left without me.
Thanks moon for putting a can of 100plus in front of my bag reserved for me.
Thanks Loong and moon for remember the actual date I've booked them for karaoke.
Thanks everyone, who took care of me...

I kept thinking about that... Hey they are great peeps. I'm gonna appreciate this little chance that not everyone has. At first when they told me to intro peeps, I actually thought, I have to make sure that they're safe to be with then only I can trust my friends with them.. but now, I'm definitely not that worry if pineapple joins them without me haha.

Life's fun. Everything's good.
Hoho. I had two motives, sending pineapple home. I wanted to have more alone time with her,, and make myself more familiar with the directions to her new home. It was slightly confusing cuz I went there twice with two different ways. Is there so many ways to go to Mont kiara? One missed exit made me nervous AF. But still, could sing with the radio. I wasn't actually that nervous lol. One wrong exit and I almost got myself to old klang road, which is the way to scott garden.

One missed exit, but still, we had fun. Haha. There we go, about her boy issues, and mine, it was not that different tbh. "I think."
"SAME, BRO we are in the same situation." 
Idk I don't think so. I think...

At the end, I guess I screwed one of my motive. Didn't get to strengthen the memory for directions to her place, but I guess I know how to go to scott garden instead HAHA. But we did had lots of stuff spoken out. I felt like we haven't have catch ups like this for so long...

Sometimes, like with lychee, I felt we might be getting distant. Since the day you got into batai with lychee while I was away. Idk, I was actually... Prepared to have this friend gone. But really glad that we both still did put loads of effort, I guess. I guess we'll see who the real friends are when shits happened.

I wish ten years later we could still celebrate another anniversary. Haha. That would be cool. And hope this ET squad stays too, in our lives.

.

Sometimes Idk how to feel, being the last one to know. I can't believe I'd have to hear news from my bestie, or mom. Idk how to feel. Because I screwed up.

You know when you screwed up something, and you can't really fix it... The only thing you could do is stop. Stop all the things that has to be stopped, and hope for the best. What's the best? There's just... Idk.

You know a pure friendship would be screwed up after one starts romanticizing. Things will never end well. And at the end, there's no possibility of staying friends. UNLESS, silence from the single sided romanticization. For pineapple's case. For Shell's case, many typical human's case.

I'm so glad pineapple and yip man are girls. We can talk about everything, and... There won't be extra concerns. Friends that truly want to be in you for no other motives than just... Participating a part of your life, and giving the support for no reason. And we chose to be close, to talk about these things. We chose to do things for no reason.

Guys and girls would never have pure friendship I guess.

If you still like him, and he still likes you, why don't you two get back together?
Because of the way he treated me after we broke up. He doesn't give a damn about the damage he caused, so why let him back in?
Yeah true.

I guess I have nothing to say about that. Day by day, it's gonna go away, bit by bit. The importance, the trust, the type of concern.

Just like how wood left. He leaves, physically first, which immediately discontinued all the interaction we share. Slowly, communication. One sentence, I stopped tagging him. One word, I stopped texting him. Bit by bit, he becomes a single sided crush. A crush who crushed me. Haha. Bit by bit, I only care by sneaking up on social apps. So far maybe I've only reached this stage. Next, I wouldn't even type his name to swipe tru his photos. Then I wouldn't even think of him whenever I got slightly more tipsy. I wouldn't even cry when I drink.

Time wins. It brought him away, bit by bit. It could bring everything else away too, unless we all make an effort. Efforts are gonna be made, in between my psychs. Then the rest...... There's just nothing we can do.

Maybe because of the faults I've did for the past five months. I ruined everything. Knowing it wouldn't change the fact that I've did it. I didn't stop myself. I should've stopped myself earlier but look at me.

I deserve to not know anything at all. Not even the last one. Go on with your life. Leave, go far far away. And I'll be here, thinking how you'd be moving on. Get a great great life, and let guilt drown me. Officially.

Scott garden

Sometimes I question myself. Should I go? I have exams soon. I should probably not. I should say, no.

Meanwhile..........
"Jommmm." No hesitations.

When ET said it's cancelled, I thought fate led me the way. So I threw my phone aside and went to do my bio notes, spamming EDM again. A sudden urge made me check my phone. There it goes. Two miss call and a bunch of messages. It's on again. Let's go.

Yh, where's your little bottle?
How do you know I brought it?
You always did.

I'm proud to say I'm quite freaking sober this time. I kept count. It was crazy. The Singapore dudes are so exteme. Gold too was there. The second time seeing him after our birthday celebration. He's extreme. He said, half glass each lose. Ooh great. But there was once I chose three aces. Aces means drink. Three aces means.... One and a half glass. Okay. But gold took half for me.

ET told me to pick a song and made me sing. Oh gosh he triggered my singk mood.

我懷念的。

All is well, I've got to know three peeps. They're much older. Oh gosh really much older. One thing is they drink with ice. I don't really like ice. Pure beer is good enough. Pure everything is good.

It was cool. How they said, they'd do this and that if anything happens to me while they let me accompany gold's ride. But I guess he was sober. He said he'd let me drive if he wasn't ok enough to. Which is good. Then he told me about his sister. And him too. Hey yuk chaiian! Gime five man. Our conversation made me motivated tbh. He told me that his sister did science too and still struggling to get a related job. That's quite typical. And she has a phd. Wow. Makes me worry. I was thinking about getting a phd man. Damn.

Mom texted me. I'm relieved that I wasn't at the bistro at that time. Murni is good. Murni is love. They made me eat. So I snapped mom some pictures of chicken. Life's good. Everyone's cool. I kinda like that.

I spoke canto. It was freaking weird but I tried to sound normal. And they said, "Hey yh you spoke canto!" Yeah I did. I always knew how to. But I'm just afraid that I might accidentally embarrass myself too crazily.... And there goes some crazy ass topics.

The last thing ET said to me kinda got me.

Do you have anything towards Loong?

Do I ? All this time I told myself it's not a thing. It's something special because I had a nightmare about him being in danger. It's something that made me cry waking up. Something that made me checked on him every day in every short period. But that isn't exactly a thing, right?

I had that nightmare long ago before we were close enough. And I've said it out during ET's birthday. But is it a thing?

I'm not sure bruh. Maybe. Idk...
You gotta be sure about yourself.

Ahhhh.

Let's see how things go. I hope it's just nothing.

啄

人家說 借酒消愁，為什麼我會反效果？ 喝一點點會勇敢地把心想的都講出來。喝多一點點，不會消愁反而想起他。反而大哭一頓。

我們根本可以不用搞到這個局面
啄我們可以不分手
如果你當初能提早跟我說
你覺得我不會為你改掉你不喜歡的嗎
你覺得我不會體諒你所做的嗎

我可以慢慢和你說 你為什麼就不坦白
忍 到最後大家都辛苦
你是笨蛋嗎 ？
都一起了有什麼不能說
非要等到忍不住了就提分手？

一年半

我是怎麼活的 你不好奇嗎？
你要複合
當初我要複合的時候你怎麼對我
你記得嗎？
你讓我 生不如死
我一次又一次 對自己說 你不會這樣的
你不會這樣對我的
”別再欺騙自己了，他不會回來的”
結果你完完全全證明了你會
複合？ 你能放任自己那樣對我了

我拒絕 你能怪誰
以後別做朋友啊

反正都過去了
我陪你演一輩子
就讓我們尷尬一輩子

有一天如果喝多了不會想起你
代表我終於放下了。

啄 愛上你是我這輩子 最 白痴的舉動。

重點是過了那麼久 還是痛。

.

We ate, and they mentioned wood.

We're probably not gonna play together anymore...
Why?
He's actually my ex. And.. things happened.

He looks like he liked to partner with you.
You two seemed happy when partnered together.

That's the problem!

Haha.

Yeah. I like to partner him, too. I like that. He's my first mix doubles partner.

Remember what ET said.
After we broke up, we never spoke to each other. Years later I met her, and it was awkward.

We both tried. I tried to go back to him, I failed. So I tried maintaining as friends. Failed too. He tried, he failed too. There's nothing to be sad of, because we both tried. All that's left is... nothing.

.

A few days without fb. It tells me, I can't possibly blame fb. I can't even blame Snapchat. Cuz this thing floats around at any random time.

"I miss him."

You know, if you miss him, why did you even push him away like that. If it's gonna do a long term effect why do you even... Sometimes I thought it doesn't make any sense. Or it does. I pushed him away because look how much I miss him, and this amount is definitely fucking dangerous.

Other times, it'll be... We were never meant to break up. I mean. It's such a little thing! Little things can be changed. Just some toleration and we'll be good. It doesn't have to be this way. We could've been together still.

How chaotic life made us.

In the middle of the night. Damn bio's making me go mad. There's so many things that I don't know. I learned so much in each tiny question.

Then suddenly this sentence pops out.

I'm lucky the voices consciously told me what to do. I'm lucky they told me to never go back to him. I spent some time. It was ok I guess. It's the past anyway.

In the future, if I ever get into dramas like this. If I ever accidentally fall for someone... And If it ends badly.....

Why EDM ?

I went to college today, very embarrassed. I don't know how to look at people with my results like this, honestly. Before I even noticed.... the peeps sitting around me had quite terrible bio results too. Hey peeps we're dumb hahahahhahaha let's dumb together.

"I think you're overthinking, trials was always like this, cuz what did you do during study leave?"
Half the time, I was fucked up. Another half, I played badminton and studied a little.

I think I finally know the reason that my taste in music has been changing. More like expanding, I'm liking EDM, strong basses ones, crazy hyped ones. Those they play during workouts. The reason? It makes me shake around, not sentimental AF.

Sometimes, I'd question myself. I've shoo'ed moon away. I've shoo'ed wood away. I've shoo'ed the peeps that want me, far far away.
Is this what I want? The silence, literally being alone. Is this what I want? YES. Yeah. This is what I need. Shooing people away hurts, but it hurts for a short short while, then I get the long lasting release. I never wanted wood away. Sometimes I still thought. I miss him this much. And this is why I couldn't listen to slow songs during study. I'd sing with it, then I'd get myself fucked up. This is why, EDM is much healthier.

Exams are near, I think I can manage. These days listening to EDM, I did ok. I never get fucked up in the middle of studying. Revision went well. Everything went well.

Is this what I want? I don't care what I want, this is what I need. What I want doesn't matter. I do want wood back. But life's proven. We can't be together. Hahah.

"I just wanted to ammend you."
For what? For what, wood? I'm relieved you couldn't read all of these. I'm relieved you will never ever know my thoughts. You'd try to fix it, which would make things worse.

How awesome it would be if..... I never talked to you after we broke up.
Life is filled with drama. And I guess we gotta be brave enough to quit dramas, in order to stay sane.

Fucked bio trials

I knew I fucked up bio P4. But I didn't know I fucked it that bad.... Yh what happened to you? It's your strongest subject. If this fails, everything else fails.

Good thing is, now it's confirmed that EVERY toxic is discarded so far, so I'm completely concentrating just on A2. No more human issues. Yh be good.

It was really bad. Yeah... But it's okay yh. There's some time left.

I can't believe I approx 30 pages of bio, and SO MANY THINGS came out from that fucking chapter!!!!! I can't believe this.
..........

Okay. It's just trials, I won't skip that chapter for A2. Fuck everything, From now on, no more sleeping like a fucked up pig. 

I'm sorry for having an attitude. I can't help myself. I felt like I'm in a rush, so stop interrupting me. 

Wood

I like how ET was being so honest with me. From the last last time we drank, and the last time we drank, and today when he sent me back. Thank you for helping me to have a better view of what situation I'm in.

Today we went for badminton. There was ten of us, two courts. I got there first, then Loong, then pineapple and her colleague, then wood. I can't really face wood. Idk how to look at him. So I left pineapple with him. Loong and I went in first. It was awkward. I was nervous, uncomfortable. Everything. I wanna shout out to Loong, please stretch faster so we can warm first. But he was just bouncing around, and here I go, warming up with wood. Still nervous. There was five of us, so I ran away before anything could happen and let them four play.

Pooh! It's been awhile since I met her. Medic too, and the Crisp. After awhile, wood did tried to kill the tension. He was being crazy and just... noisy. I found myself always walking away from him. I walked away, to a distance that he couldn't talk to me. I walked away but my mind was messed up. I kept thinking. I had to do this, do not get friendly with him, do not let him screw up my day. Do not let myself have the thought of going back to him.

I'm gonna mention this for sure. Pineapple's colleague brought a friend, Hang. He was god!! So rare to see legends like this. We had one match that I partnered him while wood partnered pineapple, and we had them under ten. It was... Wow. I'm dead.

Anyways after that we went for food. I'm thankful wood disappeared before I could nicely ask him if he wants to join. It was awkward, I didn't even want him to join.

Who wants me?
Your shifu, your shifu would always want you.
Lol

It was so cute how pineapple reacted when we were sitting too far away. I got her updated all of the shitty recent stuff. I think she understands, like 100% of it. Honestly. I don't even know if there's anyone out there who could give me the reaction I needed. I told her I'm doing this to this person, and the reason, I'm doing that to that person, and the reason. She said, she thought I'm doing it right, and she used to do that too. I'm becoming her. I'm pushing everyone away like how she used to.

Long ago, as a friend, seeing my bestie doing this to guys, I thought, she's toxic to guys. She's definitely a great friend but not the one that guys would like to date. I thought she was a heartbreaker, which doesn't affect me so I wouldn't mind. But would worry about my male friends that have intention towards her.

Why can't you two go back together?
Because... because, you know why.

So am I like that? Now? Am I toxic to guys? Just because I don't have the ability to accept someone...... I think I've been wrong seeing her that way. Maybe she didn't want to do that too... Maybe, her first ever love did so much damage to her that she's become so cold blooded. (Well I dont know her past love life cuz there was a time pineapple and I got distant, no idea why)

Otw home, ET told me that wood seems to have habits being overly touchy to me. I agree on that. I did told him to stop, but maybe I wasn't looking serious enough?

"Probably because you hasn't let go of him yet."

So here I am, texting you, telling you what's going on in my head. I feel accused when you thought I've ruined everything. I felt that you ruined everything too. Probably we had a communication problem. Yeah, I hate you mentioning me with people because I still have you in my head. You still matter so I don't want you insisting shits about how I am with other people. I don't care if it's stupid, and I'm not telling you that. I told you I hated it and will ignore you whenever you do this, you still did it. So who ruined it? Me, because I still have you in my mind? Or you? I don't care who ruined it, look at how things went, again and again, life proved that you and I cannot go together even as a friend. So accept it! I'm gonna tell you to stop the habits. I'm gonna tell you, to let us just stay awkward so NO MORE stupid drama would happen.

Habits can kill. Being overly attached to you made me this stupid person right now. It made me unable to be with people without worrying the worst. Habits made me fucked up for such a long time, so if it gives an illusion that things may work, then stop. I've stopped all my habits towards moon. You should fucking respect my decision for wanting us to stay awkward, won't you? Habits. Just you texting me with a super nice tone made me had the thought that we might go back together. Am I stupid or what? Look what you can do to me. I'm done.

Random insomnia

Fuck I've been awake for an hour and had trouble trying sleep back. And that makes my mind think.

I'm gonna drive later. Might it run out of petrol? Violin class should be so gg. I'm dizzy. I have muscle pain in my calves.

We gonna badminton tomorrow. What's gonna happen? I don't have my racket, I'm insecured. We gonna see ET and Loong too, I hope we're eating something afterwards. Wood's gonna go too. What's gonna happen? How should I face him? I'm gonna be distant. No more hope. Like fucking really, this time. If not, yh go fuck yourself.

Everything's gonna be fine. Just chill out, and fall back to sleep. Ffs. Sleep. Yh sleeeeep. Damn it.

.

No, no. Don't let him affect you. Honestly! Why things have to change whenever I think it's getting better??? So once you settle down and be happy about how great things went, shits come popping out and prove you wrong. Perfect! Totally the reason I've fucked up every opportunity to have a great day.

I told pineapple my situation. I told her, to not overthink about me and moon anymore. I told her that there's no more awkwardness or shits between me and wood anymore. She said, good. She said, my love life sucks. Hah. That is because I don't even want one.

It's ironic how people who have things don't want it and people who can't get it want them desperately. Or some would be spectators enjoying the show, laughing at your ass.

That was my fault. My subconscious told me to remove wood in my life, then this stupid me accepted his attempt to crawl back into my life. My fault for letting him again and again. My fault for thinking maybe, just a slight chance maybe there was still hope in us. In us!!!!! How dumb can I be? Ignore, ignore him. Don't let him in. At the end, he still gets me. He gets me all the time. I was hoping the times that I need to mention him decrease bit by bit, at least negative ones. But now?

Yh listen to the voices. They meant to protect me from future shits. They don't want it to hurt me twice. Killing your pride for someone you love. Letting him take advantage of just me waiting patiently, with that treatment. How was that. Torturous. How can I stay sane!

"We're not broken just bent, I can fix this, I can win his heart back. I can wait for him. I can go tru this." How long ? Isn't that enough? It's enough to prove that HE'S NOT WORTH IT. YH he's not worth your time. Not anymore. He's the same, stop thinking that he's changed. These fantasies will always be fake. If removing him from my life means putting out the flame, I'd do that. I'm willing to.

Why do you wanna be single forever?
Because when you care, you get fucked up.

I have to stop letting him affect me. I have to stop having any slight hope. Kill it. How? At least he's cooperating. At least with him acting this way,,, I can do that.

I remember just after we broke up. I'd talk to him, and hope he tries to talk to me. I'd try to make things better. His words hurt a lot. How many times I've crawl into bed, hoping nobody could see me like this. How many times, I became moody and fierce just to mask how fucked up my eyes look after nights and nights being restless. Then I'd tell myself. "Yh, look. We're over. It's over. Accept it. He hates me, and he wouldn't bother how his words hurt. It's over. Stop crying and start moving on. "

Hours later, I tried again. And again. And again. I started telling myself, "Yh don't give up. He loves you. Remember the way he treated you. It's something, it's not gonna disappear this easily......"

A year! Now it's ONE AND A HALF YEARS. Isn't it enough? Aren't you exhausted? I am, wood. I gotta be that persistent, on giving up on you like how I used to not give up on you. I have to let go. It's been too long. It felt like years! One and a half years felt like its been so so long Idk how I've lived this long. But this gotta end.

I needa sleep. Shouldn't have replied your text. It was going well. Being friends with you was going fine, why did you do that??????? Thanks a lot. Okay.

Appreciation! After all you've did, and you seriously have no shame to talk about appreciation!!? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with me. What did I do. I stopped giving you the power to bring myself down just to please you! I said we're friends if you don't do this thing I hate. You did it, so what else do you expect? Me to tolerate this thing you do? Then ? You can do it over and over again. What is this?

Tell me what's wrong for me to react in a way you don't like, when you did the things I hated you doing. You knew. You knew and you did it anyway. Fine. Wood. You know what I hate how shitty it feels to need to give up on that little hope again. So much disappointments. Very much thank you. Once again, you've proven how useless it is, each time hoping for a better day ahead with your presence. Just leave me alone for good.

Update

Today I woke up with a drinking dream again. HAHA. Am I craving alcohol that badly???? Wtf. Still sad that my sister ruined my dream. I wonder how I can drive like that.

I thought of yesterday. I found myself always thinking about yesterday. Chem was hard at the parts I never bothered to fix, duhhh. But I guess I can do the rest? Transition chapter. What is the colour of [Cu(H2O)6]2+??? I studied that, fuck yeaah. Paper 5 was crazy too. I fucked a few parts. But I still think I can pass. Zzz.

Then it was a sleepy day. I studied some bio and headed to sleeeeeep. Too awesome. My mood was fucking good Idk why, and I hope it lasts. It was so good that my hair was cooperating too. It didn't fucking curl outwards when I tied it up. Wooo.

Few days ago my arm has issues. But yesterday, it seems better? Still affected but better. So each smash, I used some time to prepare, and they were strong enough. V missed two of my smashes,,, that made me super satisfied lmao.

Idk if it's a good thing that I blurted out. "I named both of you ET and Loong in my blog." Just because Loong was reading something. Damn, so mysterious.

Then they asked for my link.

Give the link and expose how fucked up I am all the time? Noooo....

Anyways..all is good. Pretty moods are the best. I look in the mirror, and smiled. This looks familiar.

I found that when I'm not really happy, no matter how I smile into the mirror, it looks different. Even tho people don't usually notice it. Or do they?

I'm excited. Excited for nothing apparently :D yh please stay happy ok? I'll turn back to normal soon. Yeah. I have to.

Updates: everyone seems busy, and friendly. Moon's not after me anymore, but still we can be friends. Wood too, he's crazy and friendly. All is well, and hope everything stays this way. I'm not gonna screw up anymore. Dramas stopped so far, and PLEASD DONT COME BACK.

.

I know I'm not supposed to be saying this.

Wood's being different since... last week. Idk, maybe he has been different since earlier just that I ignored him too much to notice it.

Part of me wishes that I still hasn't noticed it and never will. That part of me wishes I succeed to delete him in my life.

I think I failed again. I'm so so screwed. What's gonna happen ? No idea. Probably something very scary. Will I let that happen? Anyone? Please don't let me do that.

I can't believe wood's like this. Where did that cold ass person went???? Why didn't he continue? I'm so confused.

I wanna run into a wall.

Even when I've ignored him again and again...
I enjoyed our conversations. He checked on my like I checked on people.
Why did he do that?????

Why didn't you come back earlier before I've made those promises to myself ? Why didn't you come back earlier?

Part of me wants to praise you and think that you're so so awesome, as usual and even better over time.
Another part of me wants to kill EVERY good feeling I still have towards you.

And now that you've changed the way you treat me.... What reason do I have to delete you in my life?

ohmygoddddddddd.

.

I don't remember being like this. My phone's spammed. I didn't mind but it gives me headaches now. Like everything gave me headaches.

It's like everyone's telling you different things. You're seeing different things at the same moment.

I slept late last night because I was checking. Peeps. Why are your last seens the same, did anything happened at that time??? I hoped it to change desperately, and suddenly it was that late.

So I dreamed about them. Loong and ET sitting on my left. The weird thing is,,,,, Lychee too was there, on my right. It confused me. From there, her hair's so long. We talked about stuff. I probably missed her. The other side, Loong got me matcha ice cream. It's freaking weird. Probably because I ate matcha chocolates yesterday midnight. Maybe because I ate them when I was anxiously waiting for their last seen to change.

Wood's texting me real frequent these days. He wasn't acting the way I hate, so I guess it was okay. But it kills my patience. What do you want again.

I'm a little bit confused. From the stuff that happened yesterday. From the things I see today.

Why not I turn off my phone for the next three days, and just study chem ? Good idea?

This time I'm serious about humans driving me mad.

I guess I should talk to Lychee soon.
I can set a date for karaoke yeyyy. I'm so happy to have fourteen days without curfew. Parent's going somewhere. Sad case is they'd be back two days after A2 ends. In conclusion, I have two days without curfew but one should be reserved for badminton which ends late too. So I have one day. One day to karaoke until any time I want.

Trials

Sometimes I just sit there and think about what I did for the day. After all these years, is this all I can do? Let's not talk about math. I never worked hard on math. It seems impossible because I treated it as an impossible subject. It was never important to me.
What if I exclude math.

I still screwed up. Is there anything I can do slightly better than any other things?

Nope.

I can't seem to badminton anymore. I can't lob far enough cuz my arm has issues. I can't drop as nice as I used to. I can't net perfectly too. Everything I set in front gets tapped back. I'm not sure what to do already if I can't do those. High shots get smashed back down, and my defense sucks. Is there anything I can do? What is wrong with my drops?? What is wrong with my netting??

Bio was on monday. It was supposed to be my fav, my best subject. But what happened. I screwed up, I didn't do the thing I did best. Memorizing these was not an issue to me, but I didn't. I didn't, and that's the issue. I wasted too much time, on what? I duno. Everything that I couldn't do. I wasted time on everything stupid. To solve many of my own unnecessary bullshit. It's okay, I could pass that. Since when did I started aiming a pass???

I left pure math paper blank. I think I can say that. Others were bullshit that I don't even think any equations made sense. I was just sitting there, head was like after some alcohol. I don't wanna do this. I can't do this. It's just a paper don't let it get me. And then, times up. I screwed up. Over and over again. Honestly I wanna stab myself during the paper. Jaclyn was in front. She's such a nice person. For letting me put my 700^ badminton stuff in the class.

And I can't even badminton. I can't do well on A levels. I can't badminton. I can't live a normal life like normal humans. I can't even think of the reasons I'm living now.

Live for the people who care. Who cares? Wtf. Everyone cares when something happens. But that's like five minutes, so disappearing wouldn't do anyone harm. No one cares. Family do. Live for family. But I can't even do anything useful. What can I contribute? More like burden and burden, and burden.

Sleep well, so you have energy to kick trials' ass.

Wood. Why do you care? Thank you for being nice to me these few days hah. Idk what am I supposed to feel. Idk why I started customizing your notifications again. But seeing your name didn't stress me out as it did before anymore.

Seriously. Can I die?? Should I just give up on this and do something simple? Can I run away from this? Why humans evolve and create so much shit? We could've lived like a caveman and just.... Be fucking peaceful and dumb. Why the fuck.

P3

Today's worse than add math. I remember how screwed I was when I took the papers without any preparation. Today's worse than that day. Which was already scary enough for me to jump off a building.

Sometimes I think, hey bro I definitely understand how shitty it was when you decided to hang yourself. But it's just a paper. Failing P3's not gonna define my future. Maybe I can get better marks for statistics to pull up the marks. Maybe. Just maybe ? 

It's just p3. Stop feeling dizzy. The world's still the same. It's gonna be fine. Yeah I didn't screw up stats even when I obviously had more preparation for p3. Statistics was definitely easier. At least I sat for the paper. I tried. Ok. Fuck this shit.

K

I don't understand why am I in this state.

Tomorrow would be math. I've given up on math. I was planning to do a little bit of exercises. But with all the shits in my head, hahahahahaha. Exercises? More like dying.

Sometimes I wonder. What's gonna happen after years? Let me guess. Maybe I'll still be playing badminton, but lesser with ET squad? Even lesser or maybe not at all with moon squad. Why? Because I'm too fucked up to be falling for someone. And because of that, we we seem more effortless being strangers?? So years later he'd disappear. Wood too might. He's gonna leave this country anyway, there's no reason he'd stay in my life. I wanna keep pineapple and yip man. I don't care. I will do anything to keep you guys. Lychee? I'm not sure. I wanna keep her too but. She seems so far away....

In conclusion, there'll be new temporary people that I'll be fucking afraid to get close with. The boys will be gone, because they're boys. And there'll be issues being friends with guys. But arrogant might stay! He's too crazy so there wouldn't be a problem I guess. That's all.

It seems sad now. But it's probably just nature. Everyone's gotta leave. Promises are pretty lies. Moon's gotta go. Yeah. Too high expectation kills.

Am I gonna be less fucked up?
I don't know. Sometimes I think it hasn't been improving. I'm still like shit. I'm this fucked up. Maybe yip man's gonna get tired of my bullshit too. Hah. Right? Bijjj don't have to deny that quick. It's okay to be sick of me. Everyone's sick of me.

Yh please be less fucked up? Please.

At least, never ever cry over these things anymore.

I wasted yesterday. I might waste today too. I might screw up A levels. I guess I need a miracle for me to turn back to normal.

Why everytime I thought I went back to normal.... Then it doesn't last for even a week??? Why?

Was I this fucked up last year?

Yeah probably worse.

.

I screwed up. Idk if I should feel regret that I didn't get out of the class right after P5 cuz my eyes were tired af. I just sat there and rested them. I think it's a fucking waste for not doing well for P4. Cuz everything that came out was familiar. I knew shits. I know what happened during this mechanism, that mechanism. But it was just a little bit off. I needed one short flip tru and I should've known what to write. I left a few blank. Those that I have zero memory of them being in my notes. Fuck. I could've scored this, I could've scored that. What did I do yesterday?

Probably shouldn't put my phone next to me. I should've turned it off. I should've turned wifi off.

Who chilled that nervous ass of yours?
You did, I'm not kidding. Thanks.
Weellllll ok then.

Wood I wonder when did you started typing okays and ok's. Hahah I remember you sent K so often I felt so happy that one time you forgot to be cold. Patience can soften an exhausted soul I guess. I guess.

I'm glad I studied gene tech last night, so I managed to answer the essay question. 15 fucking marks. Wooo. I didn't fuck that part. I can get at least ten. Definitely. Maybe more than that? I wish I don't fail so bad. Cuz it's not worth screwing things up for anyone anymore.

I wanna run into a wall.
I wanna jump off a building. I wanna quit so so bad, so badly. Why do I always let myself think this way??

I fucked up. Everything. Life, exams, human relations. I fucked up. I couldn't talk to anyone. Everyone kills off my patience. The best I can do is "Please,, Just don't talk to me. " "Leave me alone." I'm so tired of living. I hate what I did. Is that necessary? Is it kind? Is it true? No, no, no. No to all three. Why do that?

Stay quiet. Stay the way like I'm a friend from fb. Stay that way then all will be good. Time will let us both know, this is not gonna be a lifetime thing. People come and go, it's just how things work. Let it be. It's NOT that heartbreaking! Why bother? It has to be, it's nature. What you would do to someone IS NOT equivalent to what they would do to you. So quit it. Cut the drama. Goodbye and be it.

I don't know how they think. Everyone cares when it's too late. He cares when I said I give up. I give up. I give up so stop coming back and confuse me. Don't come back. What do you want?? Do you feel awesome to get all the attention I gave? So you don't want me to stop. Then? What was that?

I don't understand. When I care, I try to think. What's with you. Are you done with me? If that's the issue then oh well, ok. I fix that shit. I failed? Fine, I go. It's not fixable? It's gonna go crazy if I look like I care? Fine, I'll not show then. I'll be ice then.

It's not fixable. Not everything is fixable. You try to do something nice, you get misunderstood. You try to stop with the overfriendly, they quit you. What do you do? You walk away quietly. You turn around you never go back. And when you turn around, they come back tapping your shoulders. They say you matter. They say you are important. How does that make sense? Are you only important when you turn around? Or what, when you give up? It's so ironic. Doesn't it?? It's so fucked up. I do hold grudges. I remember each time someone did something that stings a lot a lot. I do remember when knees and wrongs betrayed us. All the words wood said. How he let me go like that. I'll always remember what they say. I remember every bit of detail. I remember pain.

Cuz they made new voices. They are fucking loud. They say, do not let this happen anymore. You remember how painful that was right? Do not let that happen anymore. Remember this thing he did to you. Remember that you don't mean anything. See what he could do to you. See what he said to you. He doesn't care about how you live! He knew how much you care about him and that is what he did. He told you to fuck off. So when you give up, and he tries to be nice, don't be a fool and believe that. Don't believe it. Do not fall for it. It's a trap.

Voices will be made. They will go away, but do you know how hard that is? Care and you die.

If you have one intention, and you couldn't achieve that intention then you would make a clean cut, then tell me that. Tell me, everything was nothing cuz you were expecting something else. Just because I didn't meet your expectations so you wanna cut me off,,, tell me that too. Tell me directly. You can do that. It's gonna be a terrible day, but at least it's direct!!! Don't drag it, don't make it confusing. You wanna end it? End it. Friendships are scary. Everyone knows that. Don't have to force on yourselves.

I don't know what exactly do you want. What do you want?? Do you want a clean cut? Or badminton buddies? Or can we be friends? Or just nothing at all???? What?

.

Sometimes I fucking hate myself for unfollowing the pages that has the words that speak for me. I already knew. When shits happened, I find them. I find them who knows me. That is fucking enough.

Today I just scrolled and scrolled, I can't find them. And my phone kept going crazy.

I remember how he rejected every single one of my calls. Honestly it broke me haha more than that one sentence did. He rejected all of my calls. I thought I'd never hear his voice again. I missed him so bad. It hurts so much I just couldn't do anything.

I'm convinced that he wouldn't feel anything even if I rejected all his calls. I'm certained. Cuz if he really cared, he wouldn't allow me to go die on my own. He knew how crazy I'd go. He still did that. The reason I forced myself to NEVER go back to him. The reason I forced myself to never go to anyone like that.

Do you know why I ignored them?
Maybe wood was like me too.

They're saying, shut up. Don't say anything. Go away. Stop all the bullshit. Stop it. Stop it for good, cuz I can't stand them anymore. I'm not gonna believe you. I won't even.

Maybe I made him built up his walls every single time I try to talk to him. Then the walls disappeared when I said I give up. Maybe that's why.

.

One last check. Stop checking your phone. Keep it mute. Keep it shut.

I remember when shits went wrong. Why did you show up in my notifications? After what you've said. Do you remember what you said? Do you remember the last time I tagged you into a post? You said, perfect! Now proceed to the things you were doing. Wow. One sentece, I fucking wet my pillows for no reason. One terrible night. I swear, I will never ever tag you in anything anymore. Did you know how painful that felt?

I'm sorry.
Does that ease the pain? It still fucking hurts, even RIGHT NOW when Im typing this shit. One sentence. One word. I don't understand. Thank you for letting me throw this back to your face. I held grudge. Yes I did. I'm sorry for that. I'll never forget that.

Why did you show up in my notifications? Then and now even when I stopped tagging you, you tagged me. You still tagged me. You showed up. Why? After all you've did, why? I thought you tried to let me know how annoying I am. Why did you still showed up in my notification? Why are you trying to confuse me, then and now. Are you mad at me? Do you fucking hate me after I rejected you?

I archived you whenever you said something really hurtful. I archived you because I couldn't stand seeing it in my list of conversations, when you're on the top, and that word shows. That whatever sentence shows. I archived you did you know that? Archived, it means you'll be disappeared from my chat IF I didn't talk to you intentionally, or if you didn't talk to me intentionally. So stay that way. Stay archived. Stop showing up in my notifications.

Cuz that doesn't make sense anymore.

Wood. Please. Don't talk to me like that. I don't need your support. I don't need anyone's support. I'm fucking terrified at you people talking to me like that. I don't understand. Their words have warmth. Then it makes me cry. Haha. No stop. Wood. Shut up. Haha. Nope, shutup.

NOTE TO SELF.

No no, don't spam fb. Please don't, that's gonna take so much time. I don't have time. Blog will do. One post, and go back to bio.

I guess I was right. If you lost that benefit in someone's life, they'd throw you away. When it's no longer fun, when misunderstandings cleared.

You don't go back to whoever that broke you. Yeah. You don't go back begging him to return. He'd tell you to fuck off, tell you that you're annoying, and give the best letter, everyone knows that letter. Such a perfect memory.

And when you realize that he's not worth your effort, you leave. Chin up, chest out. You go back to normal. You try to let go. Then suddenly he realized, he missed you. He missed everything you did when you showed how much you care.

Once again, life has proven. Facts will be facts. There are no miracles. Fantasies will be fantasies. Five minutes of fantasies. Do not make promises. Cuz nothing lasts. Nothing at all. Even temporary is shorter than you imagine.

I will always love you, till death do us apart. I remember that. I always remember. Things changed eventually. He dumped me. That is death. It did us apart. Hahahaha. Then ? I changed. It can no longer hurt me. Then, he wants it back. I said no. He accepts. Therefore we are back to how it's like: badminton buddies. So perfect. Right? We both changed. A lot tho. It will always be a fantasy. Wood, you're the best. You're still fucking awesome. But after what we went tru, no you're not the best. There's no such thing as the best. The best would be badminton. Hahahaaha.

I have too many bad habits. That includes checking on people who doesn't give shit.

What can I do? Check. Check, and don't make it known. Don't let them know, but just check. For what? I duno. At least it makes me feel better. Check, sometimes get the worst disappointments. But at least all is well.

I don't even know why I drafted. Am I scared of you seeing it? I don't have to be. It's my board. It's my space. "I don't fucking care." Then act like it! Even arrogant maintained our streak. For what? He doesn't care. But he was awesome enough to tolerate my bullshit. He was awesome enough to still talk. I remember he said he hated chatting cuz it was a waste of time. But I don't sense that annoyance in his tone at all.

I sensed that in yours.

That tells a lot! It tells, everything is nothing.

What happened?
Nothing. Cuz everything happened turned to nothing so in conclusion,,, nothing happened. HHAHAHAH.

Don't think so much, it'll be fine they say. If you say no and he keeps on then it's his problem. If you say no and he leaves then wow. Okay bye. If you say no and he makes an effort, still wow. Fuck the world. I'm supposed to be frustrating about the last chapter and now?

I used to hate wood telling me "Bye" "K" "Fuck off" "Shut up" sometimes I thought I might be immune to them. Sometimes I started using on people that I can sense their irritation whenever. Is it fun to do that? Tbh I realized he stopped using them. Haha. When was the last time? I don't even remember. He went friendlier. He went badminton buddylike. Sometimes I think he looks down on my friends. I look at him, thinking how unhappy I am towards that shit, and he knows. He knows, and he tells me, he didn't look down on them, it's just how I can improve more when I play with girls with this high standard. Priorities, wood. Priorities.

I wanted time. I promised to stop all the bad habits. But have I? I thought I did, from what you can see. I thought I promised to not interrupt whatever you wanna do. So that means.. this? Wow. I'm glad this happens early. I am fucking clear with the situation right now. Good thing I might not be sleeping tonight. I see the end. I see how temporary ends. Hah.

Yh your so called potential besties might not be potential besties. They'd leave after they found out that it's no longer beneficial. They'd leave when they found something else. They'd leave when they regret. You regret. Right?

Potential besties aren't potential besties. Potential temporary besties. Haha. Don't have to feel anything! It's life!!! Let them go. Ok? Let them go. It's too late.

Once you started a wrong habit, there's no turning back so the lesson would be DO NOT START ANY FUCKING THING, just stay away from them. Nothing lasts. Really. Nothing.

Be fucking happy looked ok. At least we all smile when we watch fantasies. Don't cry when K drama ended. It's life.

So much bullshit.

True Fitness

So yesterday I told wood, I'm gonna be very OKU today due to the push ups I did on Sunday. Yes it was that intense that the pain lasted till now. Yep. Very. Wood loves to give me surprises. He told me that it's full. So I had to rethink everything. Maybe I can join ET's badminton squad? But there's already 8 of them, it's not that good. How about transport? Should I drive? It's so... troublesome to grab here and there. But the tank is empty, I don't wanna pump petrol it's so expensive. So how? Zzzz Thanks wood. I'm all messed up.

Thanks to joker, we had a ride to jaya 33. Shell reached then we went in. Gosshhh. The very first time I've been to a real gym!!! True Fitness. It's so cool. Half the peeps are so buff. Another half are fat. Only a few are curious little shits. Me and stomata. Hhahah. We be like looking here and there. So we threw our stuff to the locker then off we go to the classes. First one was focused on abs. I think it's quite tough if we really do it all very perfectly. The trainer was so loud! We follow the very EDM-ish music, gosh. I had trouble following mirror images. The trainer is good. I like him. I'll put the name here, Idc, not like he's gonna see it right? Kevin. Patience, and... nice. There wasn't many of us so he could easily take care of all of us. He even led it right next to me. Just wow. "First time?" "Yup." "Don't force everything if you can't do it." Nods. Awesome.

Tomorrow you'll feel pain, but it's okay, don't need to go to the doctors or eat medicine.
Lol you're awesome.

Then body combat just right after the abs workout class. There was many peeps. So we were kinda behind. Body combat. It's like taekwondo recap!!!! Damn. Too awesome. I kinda missed taekwondo. I even.. Almost forgotten how to do back thrusts and jumping front kick, and all those blocks. Ohmygod. At first the trainer was just a lady in front. With loud music too. Then Kevin joined in. He's so observant! He saw us from such a huge crowd and asked "First time?" Yep, thanks for noticing. Too hard to follow mirror images. Some times I followed the other participants instead. I see stomata had problems with jumping kicks. Yeah it wasn't even in white or yellow belt syllabus. I think it's like a green belt above thingy. I like how he held up the thumb. Even tho there were lots of peeps, You know it when he's speaking directly to you. There's that eye contact, then a comment.

It was all over. Altho, my legs cramped a couple times, it's still fucking awesome. How was it? I'm happy. Hahah the only comment.

Can I join this shit. One day. One day I needa sign up. It's too awesome. Shell even showed us her fav workout equipments. One was the prep pull up thingy. It's exactly like pull ups, but we put our knees on the cushion. Bit by bit, when you're strong enough, it'll be just lifting your own damn weight. Prep pull up. Fucking awesome. I needa write all these down, I can't ever forget. Another awesome thing. It's the only place we can openly take off our shirts. With sports bra on, of course. Hahah.

I'm fucking offended because someone said something about my size. After exams, I'll do it in the park. I'll get them abs back. Maybe stop drinking beer. Should I? Beer is so nice..... but it's a lot of carbs.... Hmm what to do?


Wood surprised me by inviting me to badminton. Again. I said yes. Cuz I was actually looking forward. Slightly pissed when he called it off. He fetched us with his mom's car. There's the pooh hangin there. As usual. But I don't remember that flowery tissue box. Gosh we had the same short temper on the road. "Stupid idiot car. " "Overtake that one!" "Are you seriously not honking him?" The atmosphere at the court was cold like expected. Wood's not very close with them. Wood's never close with anyone, he's too careful. So careful he said, "I don't need anyone." I can't believe he lives like this. How can he be happy like that? Badminton, his most crazy addiction. Yet, still not blending in much. Hmm. How could I not be worried. He's so negative all the time. Fuck. It's scary cuz he's alone and he enjoys it. It kills him in some way but he doesn't know, cuz he's numb.

Wood you told me to fill myself up with all the positivity. And look at you. Did you keep in touch with captian? How about shandy? What are they? They care. They're the ones that you consider "Friends." Yeah friends are those who'd show up when you need them. Yeah maybe you don't have many of those. Who needs many of those? Those friendships are rare. It stays a small circle. Captain and shandy is enough for you. Right? At least they can support you mentally if they couldn't be there so please.

I always wondered. Why is wood so alone, I hoped he can get along more with peeps. Why is he so afraid of me being with people, it's the same thing, the reason he stays alone. I wish shandy does all she could to help him. I wish his kittens stop getting murdered so he can have one until they die from aging. I wish the cats aren't so stupid to stay there and let the cars kill them. I wish he stops losing these things that he loves.

Wood. I didn't laugh because I thought your ideas were stupid. When you talked about your dreams, your life target. I was thinking, this is how I fell for you. I was thinking, maybe you could stop talking cuz I'm afraid of what I'm going to have towards you. I was thinking, no one could ever have the passion of doing something like you do. This is the most fucking attractive part of you. And it still gets me all the time. That's why I laughed. It's funny that I'd feel something whenever you talk about the things you want to do. It's awesome. It's something. Idk how to explain that shit. I'm glad you sound like you've moved on. You've accepted my rejection. But I hope you'd be happier on the way to your achievements.

You said you need full focus, that's why you chose to give up on humans, badminton, everything. But what if you don't achieve it? It's a hard thing. What if you work halfway on that, then suddenly you became so old you have to retire? What about the things you gave up on? On the way to that aim, you still need to be happy. I guess. You too, deserve a happier life than this. Maybe humans aren't that bad? Maybe, if you embrace all the care they give, you'll find that inspiration? Then it helps you on your target? Who knows.

You may look perfect. Awesome grades, awesome skills on every fucking thing. But you're no less fucked up than I am. Honestly. I wish we all get better... Yeah we definitely will. 

Drink

ET sent me home because he thought I couldn't drive. Then loong sent him back to get his car. Oh my god if only they believe that I could drive myself back. It's so near......

A few pints wouldn't be that bad. Right? ....

I'm tipsy for sure. Head's heavy. I'm happy. I'm clumsy. But.... When it comes to driving, Im 10000% alert!! It's so near.....

Such an awesome day before exam. I drove, and sent a car full of peeps including v, ET, loong and his colleague. He's twice my age! And more than that....... they said I pass with flying colors! Cuz I did well when parking and all that. The dinner was full af. It's at the other end of chuup.

Ok I gotta stop. Too many typos. Anyways.

I'm happy I remember everything. Everything so that.... I can recall back what they did when they think I was drunk. I have to blog. Cuz I have to remember.

ET sent me back. He said, he wouldn't let me drive alone like this. I said, luckily I live near. Then he said, he'd still do this if I live in cheras. Damnnn.

I can drive. But still, you guys are really awesome.

"I'm a devil, no one's able to take my life away"
"Yasss stay awesome. I'll know you for many years."
"You will."

That is promising enough. Bro. Drink less. Don't let my nightmare come tru. Please. If not I'd dir befor you to avoid seeing that. I can't survive that kind of lost...

Head's heavy.

Hi. I'm so excited for tomorrow.

Ooo damn. This time it's 4.30am. Maybe it's just my thing?? To wake up a few hours after it's all done metabolised? To think of it.

They asked me. Yh, do you like drinking? Such a dangerous question. Ohmy. They love to ask me dangerous questions when drinking. This time, you know you're dead if you say yes. They'd tag me along during happy hours.
"I'm ok with that."
And there goes the oohs and ahhs.

But honestly, I wouldn't go with you guys if I don't like drinking. That should be obvious, but a big No no for me to admit that.

She didn't used to be like that. Corrupted already.

Lmao. Yeah v. Definitely. But you know what. There's another way of being corrupted. That'll be dying inside. A way that it's a necessary alone thing.

Another dangerous question was asking me to pick a damn lifetime partner if there was just four of them left. I guess it was okay to answer anyone lol. I'm gonna say,,, these aren't bad peeps. They just like to drink! And that doesn't define them. It just makes them a little wild. But they're great. Nothing can change that.

"Wanna drink ?? " Everyone just looked at each other and we all have the same reactions. "If you guys want I'm ok with it."
"Corrupted! She didn't use to say that." Lol

They were talking about it during dinner. Honestly I thought they were joking. I mean how........... Then suddenly it became a real thing.

I drink when I was thirsty. But they thought it was thirst for beer when I was just thirsty. ET drove so first thing: dig for my damn water bottle.

"Today's so special, the first time you drove all of us!"
Hhahaha I guess so? :3

"Today we brought you to drink to let you release some stress from exams."
I know that. I know that, thanks hahahaa. That's a release for any stress. I'm going to study like crazy. Yas.

I'm in such a good mood at four am. What the fuck. So wasted, should be used in the longest afternoons.

Drama

I really like these conversations. My eyes are so sleepy. I can't believe I'm up early to study. I actually have loads of problems waking up by myself. So I told mom to wake me, and she freaking woke me at 7.55am. FFS. SO EARLY WHY.

K drama really makes me happy, I should watch them more often, especially the ones with my fav celebs hahahahhahahaha. OK. At least fangirling is much healthier than being depressed 24/7. Maybe it's a necessity to have these fantasies. "You're all surrounded", a crime/solving cases styled drama. Honestly I think this isn't those romantic fake shits. It's dark, of course it amplified how politicians cheat on people. There's like 5% of romance and 80% comedy. Perfect for broken people. It's so chaotic it makes me feel less miserable. It shows how miserable one's life can be, and how people stood up for him.

It was sweet. It's not fantasy at all, exclude the murdering parts, it's sweet. And painful too. All these years when you could only trust one person, and that person turns out to be using you, backstabbing you. Not fantasy at all. It happens, right? In a scarier way. It happens to us so we wouldn't even know maybe until we die, we still convince ourselves that they're not those kinds of people.

Sometimes I think I should watch some of these once a while. It boosts motivation too. I don't need to talk to humans to have that motivation. Movies, dramas motivate too.

I'm watching a little bit too much, but revision is progressing ok too, I think. It's cool to be reading and understanding everything. To look at the big picture and immediately know what fuck's happening. OK.

Life's good. Let's hope I don't wreck the car later. Gosh I'm so excited for badminton @#$%^&*

.

I'm so glad to havd figured out chi squared test. Some stupid probability subchapter from BIO. YEAH. Stupid numbers why appear in bio. Zzzz.

Out of randomness, I'd still think about stuff. Very randomly. That day I allowed chin to use my student card to borrow a book. Wood was so pissed he scared the shit out of me.

Can you believe it? I got scolded like shit, just because he was so insecured even after we broke up!

It wasn't normal. I got blamed for being kind to a coursemate for no reason. I remember I went back home and cried, thinking how was I wrong. And why did I tell him. Why did I borrow the card.

Gah it was fucking stupid. Seriously?

It was not normal!!!
Do I look like a slut? Why would wood have so zero faith in me??? I look ordinary. My grades are fucking average. I'm antisocial 95% of the times whenever there's no badminton. Why would he be so scared whenever I just... be around with people?

Good thing I don't have to care about him anymore. I'm free.

If I'm free, why does the past haunt me daily? I'm so far away from him. I'm supposed to turn back to normal!!!!!

Yh don't ever think about going back to him.
Fucking please.

.

I realized there are certain words that can make the entire me go mad. I'm always mad, it's such a normal thing that going mad doesn't surprise me anymore, it doesn't surprise anyone anymore. How long it's been like this?

Why are you 24/7 sed?
Because I dw to be born.
Well you're borned already so love your godamn life.

Which word?

I dun geddit. What do I want? What's wrong with me?

I've been studying. Progress was fast just now. Just after one big fight with my fucked up roommate, my progress became so fast I finished a chapter. Then I scrolled fb and saw this photo. Then it stopped again.

I've been thinking. This friday, should I even go?

What's wrong with me? I wanna scold tf out of you. Why did you leave me making myself go crazy like that? And try to fix it? What right do you have, to fix it? Am I a toy? Do you wreck me, then fix me whenever you want? What am I ? I'm so frustrated! I'm so tired! Why do I have to take a fucking towel with me like that? Why should I ever be afraid of anyone walking into my room seeing me crying like a fucked up ? Why am I even fucked up?

Stop bringing a towel with me. Stop thinking about him. Maybe I have to pretend that GUy never existed! Maybe that's the key to turn back to normal. BUT HOW?>

Before drinking also sed, after drinking also sed, is there anything wrong with you?
I dunno
What's wrong with you?
I dunno


What are we talking about?

Moon wasn't stressing me out. Wood wasn't stressing me out. I was stressing me. My fault I didn't give up right away after he ignored me. My fault, for swallowing my pride, kept on making stupid excuses just to wait for him. Until when? Until I can't take it anymore and go mad?

Is this what you want?



She said, it's like Judo. You have to learn to fall before you learn how to fight.
Is it supposed to be this painful?


Mom, do you know why yh didn't get good results for spm?
Why
Because she dove into a relationship. that's why. So you parents should stop us.


I object. Yh didn't get good results for spm because she fucked up her relationship. Yh didn't ever have good results. But she had ok results for spm, because her ex inspired her to work hard. If not, she'd be getting fucking terrible results. Get that?



I'm still learning to fall. Maybe I just forgotten to use the mat. That's why it hurts af.



It's gonna hurt like hell if you take things too seriously. Right? So I decided I stop taking it serious. But it became so wrong! It's wrong.

I am not, sad over my ex. I'm sad over what I've become. And I duno what to do about myself. I really have no idea. I can just blog, like right now, like usual, then start breaking down for no reason. How is that normal? What is wrong with me?

I duno. 

.

What did you promised yourself.
Is it even doable?

When you feel like shit you finally decided to stay in bed all day. Then you slept too much you forgot how to fall asleep. Then midnight strikes, it's time to think.

Suddenly it's all back again.

I had to think hard to recall things that wood said, things that ET said. I need it again.

What is wrong with me? What am I doing with my life??

I missed wood so much but I made him nothing. I made him a guy that has zero power to do anything to kill me again.
Is that a good thing?

I appreciate moon's care so much but it pressures me so much that I start to feel distant. I start to feel like every single thing I did or he did doesn't feel right anymore. Now he's given up.
Is that what I want?

Wood what did you tell me. Saturation theory. Lemongrass will always be there. I can't. Lemongrass took over the whole fucking drink. Occasionally, I was normal. But I should make me occasionally taken over by lemongrass. It's the other way round.

ET what did you tell me. To give myself the life I deserve. To really live, not suvive. You both told me to live but not just survive. How?

I deserve no life. Even if I do, this is the life I deserve. If caring kills, I kill it too. I kill everything that wants to kill me. Didn't that sound great??

I'm sorry I couldn't just suddenly "turn normal." I guess I wasted your effort trying to help until 4.30am. I'm just... Hopeless you shouldn't even help.

What should I do? Give my hundred percent again and let's see how life kills again? Or give it a chance, risk it, and hope it turns out better?

What should I do? Go back to wood and let him kill me again?

That's pure stupid!!!!

Why am I unhappy. Can you tell? I've been trying so hard to figure it out but nothing works.
It's empty inside like some piece of me has been gone for so long Idk what's missing.

I wanna live. But it doesn't let me.

Aoki Tei

I find myself always recalling after drinking.

The girls are nice. Hoho. After aoki tei, the boys decided it wasn't enough, so they went next door: geographer, that place we went last time for three of our birthdays. Second round! I duno how many towers they had. Cuz we went in to play darts.

I REALLY SUCK. Oh my god. I cannot.
The first few attempts happened like how it went when wood brought me to somewhere like this. Then the girls be like "aim first, like really aim." So I did. Three throws, the best I did was two throws consecutively at the same small region. Wooooo. Yey. Then we went out to make sure they don't keep ordering! Lmao.

Crazy dudes.

Sometimes I think about how crazy they'd drink, and hope they don't at all. I mean. Haiz. That's so bad for your healths.

"We're not alcoholics, we just love drinking."
It still looked alcoholic to me. Bro. Two days consecutively, happy hours? Oh my. My next birthday wish would be the health and long lives for you all. My dreams sometimes happen. Please don't happen???? Such awesome people.

Third round was always mamak. That was ok.

I've always imagined bad things. Bad things happening, and how am I gonna cope with it. I don't even think I can. I can't...... This is crazy.

...

First sake

My thighs, core and arm muscles hurt. Thanks coach, I still do appreciate you HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.

I don't understand. Everytime I go for a night out, I don't sleep perfectly until a normal time to wake. I woke at three something! Thirst for water and my fucking jug ran out so I had to go downstairs and refill it. Zzzzzzzz I'm sed.

Sed.

Had loads of sake yesterday. Tbh not that much la. But just.. duno, I seriously tried to count but it was hard when they started refilling it when I just drank half the small glass.

Suddenly I thought the barrier between me and sashimi was gone. Sadly I had diarrhea. My stomach doesn't appreciate that I guess.

Made a new friend, emikko. Such a cute name. Even better, I guessed her age correct at first try! 😎😎😎😄 Satisfaction.

I think it was cool when someone fetching me wore the same colour shirt as I do. We had a shirt coincidence thing, I think. Even when we badminton. Who wears red with black short sleeves? It's rare!

I love hebe.

Ok shits getting random I should go to sleep.

He still forgot to text me when he got home ughhh. What are pinky swears, tell me about it. Hahaha.

Ok.

Staahp.

I'm so excited for the gym date with shell and stomata this fri. Wooooooo

Fuck I'm craving for green tea. Oh I had so much green tea too just now. It was crazy. the same bunch of psychs were so freaking noisy, they sang happy birthday for..... Five times? And ck got a free red velvet slice from neighboring table. Lel.

Can you believe it? A Japanese buffet with bottomless sake,,, ran out of sake at the end!!!! So they took tiger beer instead. Jugs of that.

One good thing abt sake was..   IT'S HOT. And I think it makes me sweat so much omg. It wasn't me. It wasn't me.

Ok staahp.

Nite. life is fun.

Bongo

These guys...........

Sometimes I question myself. Am I wrong? Keeping my phone silent all these time?

It hits me only when I get multiple miss calls, or when I start to worry and wait for replies.

I usually turn on the sound when people are planned to fetch me soon. Idw to keep them waiting, in case if plan changes. This time, I did not turn it back silent.

Maybe it's enough?
When did I started pushing people away?
When did my phone went quiet?
Did I enjoyed that?

When wood left me. Hahahahaha.
I can't believe I decided to keep it shut up forever since that day, just because I know how his notifications would stop showing up, and I'd be disappointed each time there is a sound. Wood used to be the only sound it rings.

Now no. Wood's notification is just like everyone else. Silent, yellow light. While the real friends, I gave them the sounds.

I was kinda nervous as Idk how to comfort someone who's sad. I longed for a reply. Worried but duno what to text, so I asked for a permission to call instead. Glad you sounded ok.

Guys please don't make me regret my choice. I was starting to get okay with the sounds.

Loong wtf if you were joker and decided to call me at 3.40am for fun I would kill you.

Thanks no thanks I had a hard time trying to sleep last night.

T.T don't do this to me I love you guys.

Dreams, dreams

It's cool to have dreamed of all three of them. Moon, Loong, ET but separately. Dreams got so weird, I had a dream with ET inside and of one of the perak state players there when they two don't even know each other in reality. I dreamed of my sister smoking cigarettes in the car. How fucked up was that.

It's not cool to have a dream in each sleep.

Not cool to have dying dreams.

I saw the water which I drank from. It turned cloudy then precipitated in a gelatinous form. (Too much chem, idc I'm using these terms lol) then my throat felt terrible. Then I couldn't feel my entire body as it turned to foam. I died in a very weird way.

Life is better for me when I'm afraid of the nightmares more than reality. To be honest. Hahah. Can't believe I'm saying this.

I'm not gonna die yet. Not yet.

Ok snap back to reality. Study study study. At least that kind of death isn't that possible if I'm not a target of assassination. Or.. if I wasn't trying to kill myself.

:D

.

My efficiency raised these few days. Was a long convo helpful? It definitely helped with my efficiency. But... how about all that shits?

Hahha.

Recently I can feel moon being lesser like usual. It's a good thing tho. I've been thinking, I wonder if you still read the blog. I wonder if you still this, still that.

Did the long convo helped?

It made me realize that I overreacted towards every single thing. It made me realize, I don't have to sit there for hours and hours just to think about what Ive done wrong and let guilt drown me. I don't have to. But did it still???

I have to be doing things. If not, I'm still gonna fuck myself up.

When the mind is not filled with bio and all those stuff, it's filled with loads of shits that make me feel better dead.

"I'm sorry I ruined everything.
I'm sorry for wasting your efforts.
I'm sorry for bringing negativity into your life.
I'm sorry for existing."

These things. Are scary.

Sometimes people let go before I do. Then it makes me the only one, still stucked there.

Sometimes something tells me, do not let go. You've done shits to someone. You deserve to have these words floating in your mind, whenever, wherever. You deserve to live in hell. Like this.

After some time I'd still be having the same shits in my head. Over and over again.

Aren't you tired?

I am. So? Doesn't mean I deserve to have that kind of peace.

What was the root of all problems?? What was the root of me starting to never let myself live in peace? I have to find that out. And I have to destroy it.

But what is it?

Am I going to live in peace?

Can I please free myself ?

.

Sometimes I stalk myself. I wonder what would people see when they click in my profile. So I swipe tru my posts, and dps.

I hid three photos. It's weird cuz... I think my smiles are different in those. Different in some way, but Idk where.

Then I'd look in the mirror and try to smile.

Maybe I need to find that smile back.

Everyday I thought. What makes you think I bottled up? You don't even have snapchat. You don't even know my past. How would you know??? Is my face that sad??? Cuz I don't think so. I still do smile alot, didn't I??

Maybe I'm full of pimples. But. That's caused by stress ok. What else??? I don't even have bruises in my fists. I don't have cuts everywhere. Don't I look perfectly normal???

I don't understand.

There's a semicolon in my heart. Hahaha. But. Nobody can possibly see that.

Fake it till you make it.

Life is so confusing.

I'm sorry, Moon

I'm sorry, moon.

These few days, clearly something's changed. I don't see you finding me anytime. I feel okay, but. Sometimes I wonder, how are you feeling?

I'm gonna admit. Chatting with you seems like a habit already, but it makes me feel better that you have control on this, that you stopped the habits like I stopped them too.

I do wish I can check on you, but I don't want to create drama and more false hopes. So... I'll just draft. I guess this is how I should care?

Boys are hard. Every compliment gives false info. It's like... It's better to bottle up nice things instead of sad things. Cuz nice things become sad things when said out.

I wish I'm not wrong about this feeling recently.

I honestly wish we stay friends.

Drafts, drafts. I won't let you know what I'm thinking regarding this issue. So.... I hope you get better from whatever damage I've caused. I hope we can be friends for the rest of our lives.

I won't tell you about what I think about us, but... You're still one of my besties. So I will, still tell you my shits. If I ever have things to tell. But for now, just.... Duno yet. Let's hope you find a gf asap so I guess I won't have to be so careful about how I treat you.

.

I think I did that mistake. It looks like shits are calmed so far. I duno what's gonna happen in the future, but the same mistake would definitely be prevented. I wish I don't screw up. I wish, I do okay.

Positivity, positivity.

Don't think too much yh. Don't. Stop this shit. You need to fucking stop. You don't have to live this way and you know that.

I've seen people trying to help. I realized the most they can do is convince me to make myself positive again, cuz I'm the only one that can do this shit. They can't help me to be positive. But they can help me make myself positive. They can make me try to just.. try.

Thank you. Peeps. Bros. Crazy asses. In among my friends, I think it's sweet that moon, ET and Loong shared the kind of concern that... I can feel. Then yip man too, adding loads of craziness that made sad convos funny as fuck. Wood did tried to fix the damage he caused. Very surprisingly, arrogant too. Hahaha. He's nice. He just looks evil, but there are advices that I could use from him. From all of them.

It's weird that I've never talked to my coursemates about things. Sometimes it felt terrible during class when shits were bottled up. Sometimes, I thought, I want to keep things to myself. I have to. Cuz I remember that period after we broke up, they can't help me. It's tiring to talk to peeps when I know they can't help. They can't help. I know how sad it is seeing people sad, and you can't help them.

You mentioned that you blog. I bet it's 90% negative stuff, right?
*Nods*

Maybe that's why we weren't spiritually that close in class? I'm sorry to say. But still I love them. Heh, shell and stomata. At least we have fun together. And that was already too awesome.

I'll try to ignite the flame. When thoughts appear, shake them off. Don't let them get me.

The voices, aren't they trying to save me?

But they did more damage than saving. I know that. Stop it. Stop them.

Cuz if I don't... I'll live like this for the rest of my life. And that is fucking scary.

But how?? Honestly. Negative shits make so much sense to me. They're like becoming facts.

The first step I could do was unfollowing those pages from fb.

What else??? Hahhaa. What else.

.

My mind keeps repeating the same sentence. Perfect. Hah.

"You played with his feelings."

Did I? I did. Right? Oh come on. Admit it. Yh.

Players aren't supposed to be fucking down, no?

What do I do? What do you want me to do?? Let days pass? Let you spend more and more effort on me, while my mind eating me up? While my days feel better being alone?? What do you want me to do? Keep this shit to myself until four years passed?

Do you think that would be any better? Or I should stop you from wasting your time? Should I do this? Am I wrong for doing this? Yes I am wrong. I'm wrong for not doing it earlier.

It's no use. Whatever's been done has been done. I can't fix the pass. I can stop the future from being this shitty, by acting it NOW. And I did it.

I honestly wish someone brings me out rn let me pour out. I wish yip man has no curfews or stuff like this, and has the time for me to go annoy the fuck out of her with all these shits.

Nobody can help me. I know that.

I'm dead. I'm dead. Haha.
I'm sorry for what I did, and that I didn't do it earlier to lessen the damage.

I hope you find her. I hope my negativity didn't change you. I hope these few months knowing me didn't make you the shit I've become. You're stronger than that.

I'll be heartless.

I'm sorry for appearing in your life.

.

How am I supposed to feel?

Hahhah.

Do you think I played with your feelings?

I probably looked like I was doing that. I'm very sorry if you feel that way.

You probably think it was easy for me to do this?

I already imagined all the consequences. My imagination is usually accurate af. And yeah. It was accurate af.

I shouldn't treat you specially. Yeah. That was my fault.

I'm sorry for loving single life, a day more than another. I'm sorry that I have adapted to this.

I let you down.

There are no excuses. I'll just fuck off your life as you wish.

.

I fucked up. It's for our sake. I know I couldn't, so I should stop wasting his time. Yeah.

So now what? Should I leave all the groups? He probably hates me now. He can just delete me from the groups. Or should I do that by myself? Should I delete myself out of his life?

I should've sticked to my initial plan.
Push everyone away. I'm sorry I didn't do that right away.

I'm sorry for playing with your hair, allowing hugs, accepting the things you gave and did for me, everything. I'm sorry for giving you hope, and thinking maybe I can do this.

That's why I think it's a good thing ending it asap.

I wish I did what I did to hoodie, to you.
Hoodie liked me, but we stay friends, even when he gave up.

I screwed up.
Potential besties. Potential bros. Hah.

All screwed up.

I like the life we have rn. You want more. But I can never romanticize us. So might as well give up the life now.

You'll agree with me after some time.

It's better for you this way.