.

Both you and I know the time doesn't matter. As long as I breathe, I can remember, I'll fuck up any beautiful day.

You did pure science. I'm pretty.sure you know what's angina. It's a pain in the chest. Somedays I would think, maybe this is an imaginary pain. I used to have it so much each time I had arguments with wood. I never told him cuz I thought it was stupid and... Unexplainable.

Turned out it wasn't. Drama queen said she had it when she almost broke up with her boy. Wood too said he had it. Wood himself had it. It happens when you're crying yourself to sleep, while telling yourself to get over it, again and again and again. It also happens in the middle of chemistry class when the shits you've been through went flashing by your head. I wish I knew the biological explanation. Like what causes the pain? It's in the chest! Why? Does your heart really aches when you're mentally breaking into pieces??? It doesn't make sense.

After we broke up, it decreased. Still had it but it wasn't as frequent as that time. But these days I have it again. I had it just now right after I woke up, in my bed. I could just think of you and think of how bad I'm gonna die.

I think, yip man was the only consistent follower in this fucked up blog. I have no idea why, why? Don't my thoughts bore you out? Don't they make you feel like you're reading some fucked up mental problem human's dark speeches??? I thought about it and I made a conclusion. Maybe because you treasure our friendship and you care. But I'm gonna conclude that maybe I made you thought this negatively. Maybe I made you think the way I think... If that's really what happened, maybe I shouldn't even blog anymore. For your own good, you gotta stop reading it, and see if you can get better. For you too, moon. I can't just make someone as positive as you go to hell with me.

I'm crazy. I'm done with life. I'm gonna be very down at times, lots of time. You're gonna make me better, but you couldn't make it last. I have the ability to make your efforts go to waste. I have the ability to ignore any sweet stuff I receive and say "This isn't real, this is temporary." shake my head and run off. One day you'll be tired of running after me, you'll be tired of looking at my face. You'll be so tired you don't even want to hear or think about my name.

The world isn't that dark. This is what a failed relationship can make me. But moon, you're normal. You can find someone normal. You can find someone who knows how to appreciate you and love you like how you love her. I couldn't love you. I couldn't love anyone. I won't let myself and you understand that.

It's so hard to live. Look it's nine thirty in the morning. It's not 1am. Still, I can fuck myself up. I can screw up my day easily. Why make your life so hard? I'm gonna screw up over and over again, I can't even take care of my heart, how do I take care of yours? I couldn't. I really couldn't. I'm gonna unintentionally hurt you in many ways. And you're gonna keep it inside. One day you couldn't take it anymore, you'll explode, and you'll give up.

It hurts again. Haha fuck.

A2 stress

Turn on the lights, chin up. Sit straight. Ok, biology + music + phone off. (not exactly off tho. To me, closing WhatsApp is already considered as phone off)

So? Read the words from the book. Didn't I managed to concentrate well in class? Why not now? 

Honestly, my A2 is fucked. I'm very sure about it, because hey, I know my standards. 

I'm waiting for my pizza. My sister's gonna bring pizza home. Yes. Pizza is goos, pizza is love. 

It's weird how some people can stare into somewhere and lose themselves. They say they go blank. Haahahha is it like how when I look at my textbook and go blank? No, not exactly. I don't really go blank. 

I can read the words over and over again, cuz I have to! I'm busy. I'm fucking stressed. So? How do you pretend that you don't care, like nothing happened then go do your fucking business? How do you do that? Do you need to be very heartless to do that? Or you have to set your priority right from your deepest???? Like yourself? Do you people do that? 

OK my priority is acing my degree! Therefore I should be an ass and make someone I love fuck off. 

OK my priority is work. So Everyone fuck off. 

I wish I could do that! Hahahaha NO JOKE. I wish I could just study and study and fuck everything, everyone! But I can't even pretend! Fuck. 

JUST kill me. honestly.

.

I remember the days I swallowed my pride, to text wood, to show him lots of sincerity. To show him that I'll be waiting. I care, and I'm here if he needs me.

I get short replies. "K" or just "Seen". Seen without replies is a reply itself. It's another way of saying "I don't give a fuck about how you feel so look at me not bothering, and stop texting me".

He was such a dick. Sometimes I don't even get affected anymore. It's like it doesn't hurt so much. But no, what fuck. It hurts damn much.

He must be busy. He must be having exams. He must be having discussions. He must be stressed. He must be tired. I'm probably bothering him like crazy. Yeah. He's not that mean, I know him. He's not like that. Stress makes him like that. He'll be nice when he chills amd get some rest.

Haha loads of bullshit I've said to myself just to make myself feel slightly better. Guess what? No. Nope. I know what he does in the weekends. He goes for movie marathons at home. Still, the same attitude. Wood hated me, he can't handle my bullshit, so he K'ed me. He want me to fuck off immediately.

Sometimes I thought he used to be selfish. It's very funny. You want a secure future for us, so you treat me like crap. Ohhhh legit reason, hahaha. So go on, secure your future. At the same time, screw up mine. Hahahha.

But what did I expect? I'd like to think, being busy isn't an excuse to be an asshole.

Like you could've told me in one sentence.

Hey I'm busy these few months and I wont reply you in seconds.

Something like that will do. Remember half blood prince? I have no idea how he lives, but he replies messages about six hours later. It confused me but I got used to it. That's no problem for me.

You could've told me, hey I still want you, but we had a hard time for the past few months so I just wanna think things out and hope then we can improve.

Well you didn't. You left me all alone to think, to fuck myself up, to become this piece of shit that has NO TENDENCY TO LIVE NORMALLY ANYMORE. Hahaha. And you regret. You could've told me what you were thinking. But you fucking made me lost all this hope.

I think history might repeat itself. Hah.

Guess what, moon. You could just give up on me. Cuz I would assume. I would sense some changes in your tone, then fuck myself up. I would feel that you're tired of me, like I'm tired of myself. I would want you to go away. Leave and just stay happy, without that tone changed. Cuz you're better off without the presence of me. You don't have to say anything. I'll feel it.

I used to think telling you stuff works. it doesn't work anymore. Cuz you don't care. You'd wait until the my craziness ends. You'd leave me alone to fuck myself up even if it's because of you. And I hate that.

I wish I don't care. I don't wanna care. I don't wanna give any shit when I sense any change in tone. I don't wanna give shit when one day you get tired and leaves.

I'm half dead, cuz I still do, go crazy at times. I want to be completely dead, so I can bare with any of you temporary people leaving my life! I want to don't give shit. Is that so hard?

I don't want my bed anymore. I don't want to just lie in bed and let the thoughts drown me. I want to be happy. I want to just say "fuck this, fuck that." Then let the shits happen, but I can't.

I wasted enough of your time, money and effort. I wasted your youth. I gave you slight hope. And I'm sorry about that. I should've known best, that I don't know how to be with someone anymore.

Leave. All of you, leave.

Let me alone, free me. Please?

.

Honestly, when I ask myself, is it better this way? A year trying to be emotionless, I didn't success, I didn't fail too. I'm in between. I feel, but not a lot.

No, it's not better this way. It sucks. I miss that life I used to live. Even if it was painful, I miss that. That pain made me felt alive more than anything else. Of course there were good times, too. That dumb idiotic me was so alive, what happened?

Why suppress everything? Why restrain everything? To prevent bad shits from happening? No, they're inevitable. We can't prevent it. Even if we isolate ourselves, there'll be shits.

Listening to one song, one person singing a sad song made me reminisce. Is that a good thing? That guy is gone. I shouldn't be that cruel, but I guess it's the only way. Clean cuts are goos. At least he'll get over me easier. I wish he pretended to not give shit anymore, like how he used to hurt, cuz I don't feel that pain anymore. I wish he didn't realize he still wants to fix the relationship. I wish it ends the way I used to hate. Then I could look at him as the guy who abandoned me at my lowest point in life.

Those times, I waited. I waited, and I told myself how busy he is. How just wants me to wait. Of course, I blindly guessed. Up to this point I think I'm so dumb to be waiting for uncertained answers. At the end, I was right?

I didn't want it like this. The timing wasn't right. I just couldn't make things go the way I want. I wanted him, and he wanted me to fuck off. I leave, he wants me back. We stay friends, on and off, but it doesn't work. All my plans just fucked themselves, and they were never that smooth.

I want to conclude that being emotionless would be best, but ironically its the other way round.

.

There are things happening. I don't think I'm hiding anything, but I'm just not telling people. When you peeps read my blog, do you know what happened? I spammed my negative stupid thoughts, but that didn't give enough clues bout what happened right?

Like after the incident, every freaking day. When new people come in, it's the same. At the very end, no one helps. There'll be new listeners. I appreciate temporary listeners. Long term ones too, really. Just sometimes I love you guys so much I think it's better if I stop spamming my shit life to you. I think it's better if I just fuck off from everyone's life and stay here being a fucking dumbass. Sometimes I still need it. I need someone to talk to. But at the same time, I don't want to talk.

It's not so bad anymore. It doesn't hurt that much anymore, making someone leave my life. I can call all of you off the damn train, and I'll be okay. (EXCEPT FOR YIP MAN! I CANT EVEN IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT YOU) I duno why. Everything's moderate. I can be moderately sad when bad things happened. It's much worse when my head gives me shits. Thinking a lot makes me much depressed than when bad things really happen.

Why? I think it's the consequences. I forced myself hard, not to invest too much into people. I succeeded. But these are the consequences. I think. I make myself go mad. I screw up my daily life very randomly. It can happen in the middle of a meal, a conversation, a movie, a walk alone to somewhere. My bed is the escape route. Don't tell me to talk to my parents bout it. They gonna look at me like I'm hopeless. I am indeed hopeless, but Idw them to see me that way. You know? I want normal treatment. I can do this thing alone, like always. I can go to my bed and screw up that particular day. Don't help me, don't talk to me. Don't let me depend on you. I'd want to talk to you badly, but I'm making myself learn to swallow these shit consequences alone.

It's hard, but it's a necessity. I'll numb myself. I'll make it better day by day. Maybe it'll get better? Since wood is gone for good... Maybe I'll get better cuz he's out of my life. It's a tough decision to be done without hesitation. But I've done it anyway. Maybe I'll go back to normal. Or maybe I'll live with the fear of relationships forever. That's okay I guess, everyone have phobias. I just have this weird one. Weird is good anyway. Weird is goos. Ahahaha.

Fml I'm totally fine. Jaclyn taught us another part bout reaction kinetics. I absorbed all well. I swear this is the day I understand the most in my life. I'm talking bout chemistry. Uhm. Myself too. I'm not that messed up. I'm clear abt my own thoughts, it just bothers me.

Yeah..

.

It all comes back when I'm alone, daydreaming. Sitting in a corner to think can literally make me go mad. I'll just think about everything. Conversations, exams, friends, moon, badminton.

I don't mind breaking streaks, yip man. Really. Cuz I sometimes thought of breaking them. Sometimes, I want to turn off my phone for 24 hrs and just die. Sometimes, it's just like that.

Maybe this is why I don't have achievements. Too many what ifs. Too many shit doubts. Too much daydreaming. I can't do this. I can't do that. Too many whys.

I can't be bothered. I can't be looked after. I'm gonna make you go mad, because I wouldn't listen. I don't want to listen. I might say no even when I want to say yes. I don't wanna get manipulated. I don't want to lose control over myself. I don't wanna become an idiot and do stupid things for someone. For all of that, you'll suffer. Don't you think? Yeah I'm a rebel. A proud rebel. But I'm conflicting. I feel like I'm forcing myself. It's like I don't even know what I want.. control, or... What?

What if I get to make all the decisions, but I'm not happy? What if I get to do anything I like but you don't like that? At the end of the day, it sucks. As long as I care, I'll let you make me do things, too. And I hate being like that.

I no longer look forward to hugs. When you're insecured, when you're in pain, but you're alone, you get use to it. You get use to the pain, and it numbs your soul. I lost him, and this is the crap I became. I don't need anyone. I just need myself. I'll be there. I'll be here. So don't get new habits, cuz I'll become a worse crap to get numb. Don't develop habits. Don't make a home out of someone or something. Even badminton ends.

The day badminton quits my life is the day I'd die.

"No achievements"

Mom was trying to tell us a story. About a lady she knows, which is a very very positive person, who satisfies so easily with her son that has "no achievements". Wow. No achievements? The mom praised the son like crazy, but you described him to us as "no achievements"?

I'm wrecked. So I kinda question her. So what do you describe me? No achievements too, right?

We kinda had a lot of twists. Gah.

At the end, she said, she tells her friends that I can achieve anything that I'm going for. When I was little, I never success to learn stuff whenever taught, because I reject learning. And when I want to, I do it easily. After watching a taiwan movie, I literally played the song again and again in a few days, and mastered it.

Is that how she thinks? But that's not me anymore. That was when I was twelve. When I was little. I'm not that me anymore. I want to play well, but I don't reach far for badminton. I want to ace my studies, but I don't have the brains and determination. There are many things I want to do. I want to get slim and get firm neat abs, I want to speak english fluently without being looked down. I want to be the one that does things well. I hasn't gave up, but I just can't do it. What if she figures that out?

Am I a daughter with "no achievements"? So much work to do, but feelings screw up everything almost everytime. Emotions. So now what? Now what??;

.

When you have two and a half hours to sleep, then you woke up in the middle and get insomnia. I don't even care anymore.

When you don't wanna say "I screwed up again." You go for "I hate ......, I really really hate........"

When the only purpose of music is to cover up all the shit ass noises. Cuz you want the voices in your head the shut the fuck up, but you realize they won't anymore. They be like "You really don't ever learn, huh? Fucktard. Told you to stay away. Stay away from all humans."

Stay away cuz the scariest ones come in random forms. The best types.

Or they be like "Just don't care anymore. Look what that's gonna do to them. Stay safe, protect your fucked up stupid ass heart. Save yourself, cuz you can't save everyone. You'll kill yourself again if you try to save another human."

Tell me, what is, pretending. Pretending that everything's just fine cuz you don't want anyone to look at your face twice. You don't want bullshit. You don't want anyone to ask anything relevant. So they be like hhahahahahahhaha and talk shits back. Stay funnier that way.

And when they finally leave the room, your fucked up familiar sting greets you.

Hi idiot. *Stabs* how does that feel? All because you're doing it again. You fucktard human, you deserve restless days and nights. You deserve all these voices. You deserve, to never just live in peace.

I don't even wanna live for sixty years. No joke. Why does Loong wanna live that long? Is it that fun?..... I wish he reaches that scary target of his. Ten is enough for me. Who loves to live????

Life is a pain. It must be hell!! Disguised with colours and food. It must be hell. Maybe from another dimension, everyone's afraid of being reborned into a human. Such torture.

Yh don't ever stop the negativity. Cuz it's an illusion. When you think it's over, it's a trick. It wants you to think it's over. Then it breaks you into pieces. You gotta use your soul to put them back together.

What if it doesn't wanna be put back together? Let me stay this way. Let me stay looking like crap, living like crap, so I learn. So I stop wanting to get better then die again. And again. Fear doesn't keep me down. It's not simple fear.

You people kill people mentally. Or maybe I don't know how to live. It's natural selection. I really should just kill myself. Even snakes eat themselves when stressed. Why care.

If life gives you all the shit. Don't even try to change it. It's a battle with fate, and you'll never win. If life tries to bring me down, I stay there. Don't even try to balance me, cuz you can never handle me. I'm down for a reason. It's so hard to go back to how I used to be. All of that happened for a reason. Why challenge? Why make it all so hard? Just accept it.

.

Wood is injured. He's not sick, he's injured. I'd feel much better if he's just sick. He injured his back, and I didn't even ask how and why, I just assumed it was too aggressive badminton session. I felt bad for assuming, and getting it wrong.

I asked. And he told me. I feel bad for him. Very bad. He said it would probably affect badminton. What fuck. Everything was ok. Why this? Badminton is his love. He loves badminton more than I do, I swear. To destress, to feel better, to have some entertainment, to boost confidence. Why?....

He talked weird. Idk why. He wasn't being unreasonably rude or anything. He wants to fix me. He knows what's holding me back, what kept me negative and depressed af all the time. And he did what he does best: motivate.

It hurts seeing him like that. I mean. He wanted to fix the relationship, but that was impossible. So he wants to fix me, so I can trust again. Love again. Why did he do that? Idiot. You're an idiot.
Don't let fear kept you on the ground. Just because it hurts doesn't meant you have to give up all the chances. Expect the unexpected. He go injured from someone, during some frisbee session. But that won't keep him down.

He told me to give myself a chance.

Moon is dumb for wanting me.
You're dumb for making him wait.

Yeah just because it hurts like fuck doesn't meant I should block all chances. But I really, rather block all the possibilities of shits repeating. I rather miss out all the best moments I could have.

Wood didn't broke me. I broke myself. I made myself like this. He didn't have to do all these things for me tbh. He didn't have to stay. Maybe he's just trying to clear the mess he made. But is that possible?

Some positivity

These days studies are driving me nuts. But honestly I'm happier. Less thinking too much bout shit negativity. Even after looking at his snaps, his photos. He's hospitalized this recently. Of course I texted him to ask. He was cold. Probably in pain. Pain makes him cold. But I'm not affected. Just hope he recovers asap, so he can catch up his studies, or else all that stress will make him go crazy.

It's a dumb thing. To hold on so long. Not that dumb. We loved differently. We couldn't give each other the love we need. We didn't match, but didn't want to admit it. One moment I thought it could get better, he rejected. Then when he thought he can make it better, I gave up. It's fate. We both suffered this long, it has to stop.

I can never love the same. I doubt I can receive love the same. Let's hope everything gets better. Feeling is essential, so we gotta bravely embrace it. Risk it. Risk, even when you know, it's all temporary.

Moon always said, he's here to balance me. I've been balanced. Sometimes you tell me to destress so much, I actually hoped you make me go study and get more stressed. Isn't that what Wood's been doing two years ago? He taught me, a lot. To suffer before so you can enjoy afterwards. I'm still doing what he encouraged, just I didn't notice. Isn't it weird?

You've balanced me. You made me, happier. That's for sure. But I guess it didn't cut the negativity. I'm still believing whatever I believed that made me fucking depressed and crazy. Just now,,, I believe them all with a better mood. Maybe? Maybe it's just for now cuz I'm getting crazy with studies. But I think you really did balanced me. I'm full of negativity, but it didn't mentally torture me like it did before. It's just there.

Thank you....

Nightmares

I woke up with shock. I dreamed of a friend dying. It was terrible. not going to say who, but... I can't 😭

It's Valentine's day. Why this kind of dreams? So dark...

I remember last year we had Valentine's day in Ipoh. With dimsum as breakfast. With my cousins and relatives. It was just an ordinary day.

The year before, wood was with me. He didn't actually buy me crazy gifts. He brought me out for a great meal instead. It was good, cuz of the memories. The memories are the gift. I had my first movie at the cinema in the curve: kingsman. A lot of stuff. I think I still remember what both of us wore that day, the photos are gone tho, gone with the broken hardisc.

I never knew how Valentine's are supposed to be. Everything is nice. But I'm pretty sure, if you're happy with your significant partner, every day together would be Valentine's day.

I hope I dream about cool stuff instead of friends dying. Like please!

Appreciate

I'm sorry for the grumpy post previously. I was really mad at my sister. It's just her pms I should just get over it. Yeah. Everyone's like ghost when tired.

Sometimes I think I'm turning to another version of wood. I think I'm turning into him. He kills when he got stressed. I'm like that too right? It made me so much fire that I explode everywhere. Ugh. Didn't it bother you, moon?

I thought, at least I was straightforward and didn't throw him around imagining, assuming. But was I really straightforward? I guess not. I lied. I was straightforward, but sometimes just towards lies. Idk why. Sorry. I can get so pissed and fucked up but act like there's nothing. You'll see a lot of impatience in me. But seriously, Idw to make all this such a big deal.

I'm gonma try to improve on that part..

I'm surprised tho, what you guys did for me. Thankful and surprised. That day I got so screwed I told wood to shut up, and apologized. He listened to me. He left without any word. He then gave me advices, suggestions, to fix that stupid stomach problem of mine. And actually tagged me in dumb gifs to cheer me up? I appreciate that. Seriously. Thank you. Then moon was observant I guess. He could sense every different dying tone of mine, and make me talk. Even tho sometimes I'd lie and put smiley emojis to make it seem ok. But thank you for your concern.

Violin teacher told me bout this thing. Last week  after our breakfast together, we had to make a bigger turn because the road was blocked due to the fire truck and stuff. He said, it must be a little fire accident. Turned out it was the one that killed four people. It's scary how smoke could easily just kill like that. It's scary how we could sleep peacefully at home then die without any warning. I'm sorry for the daughter who turned out to be studying at UCSI that time. Imagine one day you were away from home, and before you know, you lost your home. I duno her, but it must be so fucking bad....

It made me question myself. What's the problem with me? It was a little conflict. I don't hate her. I hate pms that made us all crazy. Yeah. Be incredibly thankful, and appreciate everyone who tries to care. Even if he's been a jerk. Even if you duno if he'll leave in the future. It's now that matters. Cuz we never know, right?

.

Is it normal for you to love something but push it away because you know you'd crave more? Like hey are you giving me lots of love? No please leave. Hugs? I love hugs. No. It will end. At the end, you'll be left with that emptiness. Then you miss him so much.

I used to love hugs. Hugs with wood. it's like one thing, the two merged. I loved hugs to the point that after we broke up, I stare in my empty arms, but still feel his touch. That firm warm hug, filled with so much care. I thought I'd die without him. No, I survied. I made myself got used to my stuffed toys. I'm not empty anymore. I'm filled with that emptiness I no longer crave hugs.

But when there comes free hugs, it triggers lots of shits. It reminds me of the times when I need it but I didn't get it. Sometimes it can be everything.

.

Have you ever woke up in a shit form, with your eyes, head entire body aching. Then you walk up to the mirror and change up, but notice how big the mess you're in. It doesn't matter how neat I'm wearing, acting. It's just a mess. Then you smile. Oh this is the smile they see, when I smile in the middle of shit mess.

Suddenly you're relieved. You're relieved you sat at the corner. You're relieved only one guy talked to you to break the ice. You're relieved it was so dark, he couldn't see how shit you were. How you just held it in. You're relieved mom fetched your sister for you so you don't have to face people. You don't have to wonder if they see your hundred percent post breakdown face.

I have training afterwards. Then, some plans after training. I'm actually worried. Arrogant wasn't observant. I don't think he notices the shits back two years. Or maybe he just pretended to not know? He talked to me yesterday. So I'm worried. Worried too, bout the little plan with Moon. After some incidents I guess I know how much I like him. I do like him. I guess suppressing it made me this mess. But I must. Isn't it? It's so funny how hard you hold back, you start to doubt the existence of that feeling. It's so funny I forcefully not let myself trust or hope, to the point where I don't even know if I hope. Do I? I do. It's a long way for me to find it out. It's like shit knowing the final answer. Cuz I don't wanna face it. I don't want to like him. It just tells me "Ha you never learn."

I do like you. But I don't expect much. I guess I don't expect it to last or anything. If it didn't end. If I get better, less negative, I'll be very thankful. Just if. But if it ends, I'm ready. I'm always ready for that. 

.

I'm actually fucking scared. I'm scared whenever they ask. Whenever someone says "Are you ok?" I'm scared I might just break down. I'll be nervous. I'll have chills. I'll have to go. I'm scared whenever you hug me. I'm scared getting concerns. Those eyes.

Hold them. Hold for a little longer and they'll stop. Smile, and just smile. It worked when I'm in crowds. It didn't work when I'm alone with one or two person. I'll have to keep running and running. Away from people. Cuz once they know you, they know you're not normal.

.

I wonder how I look like, in front of my sister. She's always teasing me. I'm always depressed but I made sure I appear happy and insane in front of her. Does she notice? Whenever I listen to the sad songs she plays with that speaker, and whenever I get fucked up in my head. Does she notice all the messed up emotions whenever I made lame jokes and sound like I like her and would do anything for her? Does she notice, whenever my voice starts to sound like I have shitty runny nose? Does she notice when I'm at the top bunk breaking down? Even tho I know how shit my life has become, I've covered my mouth each time this happens. But did she hear any of them? Or was she just pretending not to know?

Maybe she's playing along with the show I put on. Maybe she's just acting with me to protect my pride? Or would she do that?

It's weird that some people care. They're so unexpectedly there. Why are they there? Or is it true? What wood said. When you're feeling vulnerable, people would appear nice. Wood appeared. I told him to shut up, just today, and apolpgized. Arrogant appeared. He said I could tell him. But I realized there's nothing I want to talk about. I just need a good cry alone.

.

Let your mind go blank. He said.

I don't think I can ever let it blank. It's almost completely occupied all the time. It's full of shits. Stuff I want to do but couldn't do, stuff that are coming in less than two months but I'm not ready yet. In two months time we're having A2. We hasn't complete our syllabus yet. My notes aren't done. I hasn't crazily spammed past year papers yet. I think there's some badminton competition coming up but I play like shit. My guitar exam's coming up too shrotly after A2. There's so many things. There's so many things I think maybe I shouldn't go here. I shouldn't go there. I should cancel them all. I should stop talking to people, cuz people come up with different things.

One day you be like I want to stay single forever the next day one guy appears and make you doubt and doubt. Pressures you out. He climbs up to your prioity. And you just have to do anything and everything. You have to say yes. You want to say yes, and there's nothing anyone can do. At the end you screw up again. You want freedom but here goes the cycle. You gave away your power to do anything you want. You gave away the power to do anything and feel awesome about it. There was once, I got it back. I was enjoying it. It's not about what you did. It's what you think.

I don't want him. I don't want to screw myself up because of someone anymore. Still, it happened. You can ask me out. I can think about all those shits I hasnt done, and I'd say yes, let's go. Why not. I'd say yes. I'm gonna make you live life, I'm just a companion. I accompany you. I don't change your decisions. You don't change yours just for me. You don't make my presence cause difference. Is that a bad thing? What's wrong about that? Ive seen a boy following his crush to Aussie. He screwed up, cuz he couldn't do well there. At the end, he gave up on her. Look, you invest feelings in a person, you'd screw up. I don't want you to be like that boy. I don't want you to be like me. I have no confidence in relationshits. It's not your fault or anything. The past told me do not. Do not believe in feelings cuz they change. The past told me, everyone's just temporary. You have friends with relationship for four years, plus plus. Good for you. But can you understand me? No. I couldn't be with anyone. I screw myself up. Look what's with me. I can't even explain myself. I'm just screwed. I did what's best for you. I don't want to spend your money, cuz I'm nothing.

I'm nothing at all, one day I will leave. I really can't. It's so hard. Moon. Life's making me stressed out. You too, even tho you didn't do anything. You were good to me. You want to make my life better. You want to heal me. Yes you did, you did made me feel better. At the same time, it stresses me out how much burden I'm going to give you. I'm not the one you want. I'm not the one that can make your life better. I screw up everything, everytime. I'm depressed. I'm full of shit. I think so much i exhaust myself to death. I can't stop it all. I told you one day you can't take my bullshit. You insisted that everything would be ok.

And look. What's wrong ? What's wrong with us? It's wrong when I want you to think for yourself what would you do without my presence. It's wrong, being specific and always taking count? It's what I ate and what I drank. Is it wrong to not let you pay for me? Is it wrong to save up for you because it's my responsibilities? It's my life. I gotta make sure I can survive my life alone. I will not expect you to stay. You gotta understand that right? You can't make me a spoilt brat. You can't make me accept a hundred percent of care you give. you care, I appreciate. I really do. But up to one point, I want to take care of myself. I want to get use to my own habit of being alone. What's wrong with that?

It's my fault for not letting you in. Your reaction was normal. You should've been like that since long ago. I wonder how long you've kept it in. Lose yourself. Voice out. Talk about what you hate. Don't keep it in. When you regret, when you're so exhausted, you leave. They say,if you don't open the doors, one day they'll eventually stop knocking. No matter how much things you have towards me, you'll stop. You'll leave. That's truth and I knew it all along, it's not an assumption. It's the truth. People change, people go. You'll leave, and it's my fault. My fault for not letting you in. My fault for pushing you away each time you gave all your concerns, everything.

I have lots of shits in my head. Wood talked to me. He didn't cause any chaos, cuz I wasn't affected much. I ignored him. I duno what's right and what's wrong. When I liked seaweed, he didn't like me back. We both were clear about each other's feelings. He treated me with care, and full of respect even when he didn't like me back. Wood was like shit after we broke up. Then he wanted me back. So he was again soft. Who was right? The soft, or the hard way? When you make someone leave using the soft way, they still hope. And when you use the hard way, you broke them, but it shatters hope. Which one is right? There's no right or wrong. Wood wasn't right. He probably hated how he used to be. He made me, me. He made me this me that I'm so... Dead.

What are you going for, moon? I'm heartless. I feel alone even when you're with me. I feel alone even when people are talking to me. It's not your fault. It's my fault. I didn't let you in. I was trying, I swear. I swear, it sucks. It sucks when doing everything seems wrong. It's like wow wood dumped me, finally I'm alone. Finally, when I think I got over him, you dived in my life, making whatever I do wrong again. Why ? Why do I have to let you do everything? I'm so tired.

Why am I so quiet? You have no idea how much voices are inside my head. So much noise.

It scares me seeing you emo.
You never seen me emo.
So if 10 is the worst, how bad is it you're being?
I don't know.
Half? 5?
Probably.

I'm very sorry for making that atmosphere so cold. Idk what I can say. Idk what I wanna say. It's just. I'm tired.

Wood,,

They say, we never ever completely let go of someone you really loved. I guess it's accurate? Cuz after all we've been through, I still hoped. I wish you stay in my life, doesn't matter what role you'll be. I just wish you stay. It's okay if you don't. I find myself scanning for your name, and choosing your snaps to load, out of everyone. Yeah, you were the reason I started using Snapchat. I find myself still caring about you from time to time. I guess you know that I viewed every single one of them. Sometimes, I snapped to stories just to let you see. I have no idea why. I even thought that you might did that for me too. I'm so dumb. You snapped to show me your regret, you being sad. But damn, I don't want you to be like that. You can overcome that right? Since you'll forget me once you got busy. I hope you get busy. Changes aren't so easy. I know you're different, but you'll always choose a better future over everything right? I guess you'll be fine.

One day, you don't have to stand at the corner to watch me with him. You don't have to dance on your own, spinning circles, getting so lost. You'll find that everyone's temporary, even me, and yourself. Moon's temporary. It's deeply planted in my heart, that I won't ever trust anyone, including you. What's worse is I'm trying to trust him.

I wish one day, I'd see your happy snaps again. I wish I won't select yours first. I wish I don't care anymore. Idk if you still read them. Do you still access? To read these drafts? Look. I'm not how I used to be. I'm insecured. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of feeling. That's what giving a hundred percent did to me. I wanted to be with you like nothing else. It was hell. You look here. Read carefully. I've changed. You don't want me now. I'm a hundred percent flawed, I'm thrice as annoying as I used to be because I'm always so fucking depressed. You couldn't handle me, I can't even handle myself. Okay? You don't wanna be with me, you'll suffer with me. I can't even sort myself out, even if I care, I'm gonna look like I don't. I'll be as cold as ice, cuz I can't do anything for you. I can't even do anything for moon too. Whoever that wants me won't end up happy. I only have the ability to spread negativity, so one day you'll be glad I don't want to be with you. Just accept it. We're both toxic to each other. Okay? I care, I always do. But that doesn't matter if I only hurt you and never do anything to enhance your life. I don't know how to love anymore, wood. I really don't. And I don't deserve love from anyone, especially you.

Are you happy?

I can't completely delete you in my life. I can't completely let him in my life. I feel sorry for him because I couldn't completely let go of you. I feel sorry for you because I'm letting him in. I'm like an extra. If I didn't exist, so much bullshit can be prevented. You won't have to suffer. You won't have to listen to my honest thoughts and get hurt. You don't have to change. He too, doesn't have to waste his effort for me. I'm so unstable. I feel like I should isolate myself in a room and stop being with humans. So everyone can just forget my presence. I can live freely.

I don't even know. Is it a good thing? Loving badminton made me be with humans. Loving badminton made me know seaweed, you, moon. So many people. So much drama. My past, my present, all of you exist because of badminton. Is that a good thing? It gave me so much joy, and pain. What is that? Sometimes I thank it, sometimes I hate it, sometimes I just wish I like stupid games which I can just play by myself, without getting to know new people, or interacting with people.

So much drama. All of this would stop if I stop badminton. Why do badminton people like me? I swear when I play. I say fucks and shits during the damn match. Or is it because I love badminton? Maybe I should get a new hobby? Like painting. painting alone.

What am I supposed to do? Deal with the drama? I think I'm too shitty to deserve anything, and anyone. There's nothing I could do for you. There's nothing I could do for him too. I'm thankful moon wants to stay with  me, be my listener despite how stupid those matters are. I'm thankful you suddenly appreciate everything I've done for you. But look. Look at what I'm doing rn. I stopped. I fucking stopped. So thank you for your appreciation, please move on.

Everyone cares when it's too late. You noticed how unmatched we were at first. I agreed it later. That's all. Idk what's gonna happen in the future. But I know you'll be well. Work can make you so busy that you won't even remember my presence. You'll be glad I told you no. You'll appreciate that in the future. Then you'll get your perfect job. You'll get everything you were working hard for. Then I'd congratulate you. It's gonna be years later, I have no idea if we'll stay in touch but. I'll just be here. as a friend, so far away. Everything's gonna turn out ok at the end. 

I remember I gave you access to my account. Yeah you have access for everything I registered. I thought that was my old blog. I never knew. Yeah. I thought you left forever. I kept track. I checked my blog views once a while, I want to know. I even told yip man to not read it for some time, just to see if the view increases, forgetting the fact that you could just log in and read without leaving any tracks. I couldn't believe it. How can someone do that? Just stand there and watch me burn. Is it alright? Or you just love to see the way I die?

So many questions, doubts. You've seen me struggle inside? Those drafts. I get aggressive. I scold you madly, then take it back. I take back aggressive posts. I talk to myself inside. I just draft and didn't post. You seen them all? You've seen how I conflicted my own thoughts? One day I be like "I gave up on you." An hour later I be like "No you must be too busy, and I was annoying." Then I gave up again, and made excuses for you again. So ironic. Paradox. Fuck my life. You fucked my thoughts. I'm like a damaged robot. Knowing what to do but doing stupid things repeatedly. I am fixable. But with you returning once awhile, you give me a knock. I go crazy again.

Did I said that in my blog? You were the crush that crushed me. Did I said that? If I die young, I want my parents to not blame you? What else have you seen? Did you see when I drafted about killing myself? Are you sure you've been reading everything? How could you not say anything?

Let's just fuck the past. Fuck everything. It doesn't matter anymore right. I'm surviving anyway. I'm here. Apologize, for what? After reading all my thoughts, do you still think we can go back to how it used to be? I probably have permanent humanphobic. Can you see the doubts I had towards moon? Because of you! One day, "You will be my first and my last." The other day, "Fuck off." Without any other words. I don't even know how a person could change so much in such short time. "I like you very very much" would turn to "Leave." It was my fault. I made you want me to fuck off. Then, I fucked off. And you want me back ? What am I? Do you think it's okay to crush and heal?

I will never want you back. You changed, a lot. I feel the warmth in you. The old feel. But No. I changed too. I'm afraid of you. You made me something so scary. Idk what I've become. You could make me not me anymore, and I was so okay with it. It's not gonna happen anymore. Just let me go. I gave my hundred percent, and you threw it back in my face. Guess what? You can be a little happy. I don't think I'll give a hundred percent to anyone else. I'll give maybe ten percent. Twenty, thirty percent. There'll always be doubts, insecurities. Insecurities aren't so bad. They save us from lots of bullshit. People come and go. With huge amount of insecure, we know. Deep down, we know they will leave one day, cuz everything's just this temporary. One day, they leave, and we'll be okay. Same to you, wood. You want me back. But that's just temporary. I said I would wait for you forever. That was temporary too. I am temporary too. There are no exceptions.

The difference between us, was I told you. I gave you direct answers. You read from my thoughts. You didn't have to go through so much of questioning like what I went through. Isn't it good? I saved so much of your time. So go ahead and find another girl. Find a girl who hasn't has her first love yet. She would give you her 100%. She would have a pure heart, and want to do everything to satisfy you, to make you happy. But don't expect too much, voice your thoughts. Voice it all the time. You'll find that girl. It's so much better than wanting me back. Cuz I will look at you like you would leave any time. You can't hurt a heartless person. When one has no hope. You can say anything to me, how sorry you were. But I'm just gonna look at you and imagine how bad things could go. How prepared I must be, to face the day you leave again. Second chances are stupid. That's why you didn't want me back. It's the same thing. You changed. But in the process, I made you history. You'll always be the best history I had. And that's enough. You're the past. So don't come back.

.

Yes I it's the fourth time my chest burned from the inside. It was gone for some time. It still hurts. The way you treated me still hurts af. Whenever you said sorry, it hurts more, and I have no idea why. Whenever you give me your words. It stings.

Why the fuck didn't you tell me all these stuff earlier? ...... Just remember. I did all I could. I failed. You read them all and never said a word..... How could you?....

Rojak badminton

Ok I should be doing stuff but I needa type about this.

These days, there's a lot of stuff. Good stuff happening. After I got back from ipoh, we headed to pineapple's new condo. It's such a luxurious place omg. Finally I get to meet coco. I'm sad seeing coco less hyper... She's an old dog now. I can't believe she's the same age as the friendship between pineapple and I, ten human years and 70 dog years. Well, the purpose of the whole visit is for badminton. Gah she asked us over for badminton. Wood was planning to join, but I screwed up. I rejected a dinner, and we were so honest to each other I couldn't even stand texting him. I sense his pain. At the end, ginger joined us. I feel so paiseh when I realized how terrible the court is. Hahhaahaha omg.

The other day seaweed asked if I want to badminton. Pineapple suggested it to be today so I planned it. It was so fucking rojak. Ginger joined because he was there anyway when I started to plan. Then I figured, he'd get bored, why not pax join too? But then pax would get bored. So I told pineapple to invite wood along. Since we still do care for each other and one day we'll have to settle the awkward tension  anyways. Then circular boy appeared out of nowhere to tell me that he wants to badminton. So coincidentally he wants to bring arrogant along. While arrogant brings his brother along. This is so so rojak. Pineapple's ex, my ex, my old crush, my training buds, and ginger which used to be creepily into me for a short period, then suddenly circular boy which used to be a scout(I hated the scouts).

It's been so long since I met them all. Seaweed's hair grew longer, and he looked stressed. Circular boy dyed his hair but he looked better without. Wood's curly hair is growing back, and we're getting so much better when partnering for mix doubles (which makes me feel great). Pax brought a female state player friend who coincidentally wore the same blue colour T and neon orangish pink shoes as me (we even took a photo lol). Arrogant and his bro didn't fight when they partner each other, which surprised me. Ginger enjoyed. It's so hard to be the host when you're the only one who knows everyone, while they don't know each other well.

I don't regret my decision. Everyone was ok I guess. They started to plan stuff tomorrow, or Saturday, or Sunday. Then I kinda told them how packed my weekend has became, it was on and off plans. Seremban plan suddenly moved backwards which allowed the nabi's wife meetup plan, but she herself was off, then suddenly the 38's plan was on, plus yip man's movie date. <3 Such long story, pineapple and wood said I have so many of these gangs. I have to deny that. It seems alot just because they all planned on the same day! Which made me so... packed. IM EXCITED FOR THE CATCH UP.

After everything, us three actually had lunch together. It wasn't awkward at all (hmph pineapple wanted to let us two dine to prevent being a bulb, luckily we insisted she join) Fortunately ginger didn't follow, or else it would be awkward(we aren't even close!) We talked about everything. The two psychs actually orally planned a perfect birthday celebration for me. (Whut!) They say if it happened, then I'm gonna treat them badminton spendings for a month..... RECORDED. They even tried to make me talk about my future plans. I planned to tell wood by myself, without pineapple there, that made me speechless.

And yep. Wood's motivational talk. His talks always made me feel better. I remember one day after report card day, I was like crap. I told him, wood, I had bad results. Can you make me feel better? And he did. We went to papa johns at tcm, and he talked to me for a long while. I just listened, and get motivated. It was good. But I was worried too. Sometimes, he gives me other opinions, then tells me how stupid I was for making wrong choices. I was worried but I know I need this conversation asap, before I make myself regret. So yep. We two sat there and talked.

I was very shocked to actually get encouraged for this. Tho he strongly promoted inti, and msu. He actually showed concern bout the almost relationship moon and I are reaching. LDR disadvantages. But what else is there to do? I don't wanna go to sunway just to stay near him. I want a good uni. Wood said he would go to Utar too if physiotherapy course was available in kampar campus. It means, I'm not so dumb for choosing it. Then, I actually told him my exam breakdown grades. VERY SURPRISINGLY, he didn't make fun of it. He actually said I'm more like him, as I aced in bio practical, but I screwed in chem practical, which showed how terrible I am towards numbers. (Wow) He's like telling me, I'm not so bad. I might reach what I'm trying to reach. He's like telling me to go on and work hard towards the thing I like, and math will never be easy for me.

He used to think I'd die in the science field. But now? ..... Omg. I have hope. The best part of today wasn't how the tension broke in the courts. It was the way he told me, after all this time, he realized there's no right or wrongs. He used to be manipulative because he thought differently before. But now, even if I take this course in utar. Even if I take it overseas, it's about priorities. If happiness is my goal, then I can go for anything I'm happy with. He chose to work hard like crazy and stress himself to death, and that's not a wrong thing too. It's just... different things we're chasing after. After all this time, we both changed. I think I would be crying if I had this talk with him last year this day. But I listened, and smiled, so calmly, so peacefully. He accepts the fact that I'm going to be with someone else. And it's good how we could still be friends, while me surprising him with unexpected small achievements, proving miracles to him while him motivating me in everything. He even said, his advises are just advises, but I gotta know what I want and go for it.

Hell. I'm gonna work so much harder, to catch up. Life's a war and damn, I gotta stay surviving.