Driving

I wanna cry everytime I drive. I can feel my shoulders stiff and tensing up. My foot out of control. My mind going crazy.

It's just so not my thing. I'm scared of the road even after I learnt how to cross the road on my own. I'm scared of the road even more, when learning to drive. And now I have my license, it's fucking scary.

I don't wanna cause traffic jam. I don't wanna cause accidents. Yeah I would like to die, but wouldn't want to cause trouble to anyone else. I don't wanna drive.

........ and it's not getting better. Cuz I'm damn scared of every single vehicle when I get near them, when they get near me. Ugh. What can I do! It's not a game.

Oh gosh.
How can I handle a vehicle all by myself..
I can't do this shit.

Help

.

These days are terrible.
Why? Because nothing's right.

Ok. Could say, I was lucky to have that tiny test postponed. But I did't really give much shit.

I need to hibernate. ....

Positive.
These days, I'm doing math. I'm doing chem.
Math is crazy. But.. surviving.
Mechanics, we're still at forces. Finding forces, nil, coefficient friction bleh etc. It's not thaaat hard I guess.
Statistics, we're at binomial distribution. I'm a bit blur at the correction thingy. But our statistics lecturer is so much better than my previous add math teacher, I'm understanding things better.

Chemistry. I'm done with the crazy notes. So I'm revising whenever I have the urge to, and also doing pass year questions. Oh gosh it's hard. At first, we did according to chapter, then she told us to do all except organic. So tired of the false-streak. But all is well. Improving.`$&@((@(=*#*@(

Bio. I'm dying. Plants are freaking boring. Sorry. The rest.... ugh.

Ugh.

.

I fucking hate life. I wish one day, I get a super bad accident that I kill myself completely or part of my memory. I wish I forget everyone I know. And start new. I wish I stop living right now. I wish human memory last for just a week, so we could completely forget what happened weeks ago. I wish there's a delete button in our head we get to choose what to get rid of.

Maybe there are disadvantages too. Like if we delete them, the lessons will be unlearnt. Well maybe that's a bad thing. But I rather repeat that mistake then suffer again and again, not remembering, than remembering this one thing that makes me wanna exit living. I rather fall for a person 100 times then dying again and again and still manage to forget until the end. I rather not remember anything that happened in between all those.

He doesn't want you anymore, cuz you suck. You suck as a gf. You suck cuz you love him too much, expecting too much understanding. You suck at living. Basically you suck at everything. And dying is not an option. So if you wanna get away. Finish pre u, and leave. So you stop your stupid imaginary getting-back-together-dreams. You stop your stupid wish. You stop hope. Because he's not letting you in.

It's negative now. Not just zero. Get that? We're not, definitely not getting back together. When he said see how things go, that probably meant see whether another person exists. She's probably out there. He probably found her. They're probably close already. At the end it'll be like that. So stop crying. Stop being a stupid dumbass that couldn't give up for a first. He's not gonna be your first and last. He's gonna be the first and last to break you into pieces and watch you die.
When he said three years later. He'll probably have other plans at that time. Like how he said, you're confirmed to be my wife. That didn't count, so what else counts? Nothing. Words are just words without meaning. Maybe a nice picture. That's all. And what about, not giving up. What about understanding. What about everything. It's just nothing. They're not real. Why can't I just fucking accept it and get over it.

How do you kill a person?
Treat her nice. Treat her the best. Make her fall for you. Make her volunteerily give you all she's got. Make her not able to leave you. Then the game starts. Leave, and say, "You're not the right one."

Leave her forever. Guarantee, you can kill her, every day. Everyday.

Is that fun?
I don't know. Games. Guys like to play games. So girls, don't fall for that shit. Play with him. Maybe do what they do and break them before they break us. Because they aren't real.

I love you means, I love you for now.
And everyone has to accept that cruel reality.

That "Otp" is an expression.
Like hey you two look perfect together.
Look.
Everyone look good together. Having a fake smile. Having a nice mask. Like wrappers.

So fuck life. Fuck everything.
That's it.
Be fucking done.

。

沒關係啊，回去零了 大不了再試一次再往上爬
他 等我放棄， 我等他 重拾希望
我們都在等 到最後看誰贏。

反正之前的16% 都是我自己亂加的
他吻我 讓我抱 加多點
他約我看戲 約我吃飯 就加一點
他說 真的只是弄丟了，也加一點

他又說，等我放棄  就回到零。

朋友們要去看戲，我不去
也許他有興趣。就算沒約，就當作省錢

在臉書看到 “你可以不要再標我了嗎？”
如果有一天 他看到了有趣的 好笑的
卻不會有想標我的衝動
那才是徹底的0%

所以要保留希望 繼續 堅持

看上去 算是分了  可是 感覺上還沒啊。
有機會 就一定要挽回
緣分沒盡啊

明明你也很疼我 沒理由愛不到結果
憑什麼我們要錯過

只有雙方放棄 才算真正錯過
他媽的

.

Im lucky My sister has stuff to do every Monday. I'm lucky to have the room. without anyone else. I'm lucky I have that tiny spesker.
Actually have a test tomorrow. Tho it's just mpu subject.
After all it went back to zero.
Every time they ask, I'd say, we're 15% back together. Recently I thought we're at least 16%.

Maybe it has always been 0%.

It's a terrible day.
I don't mind waiting for him.
But it sounds like, he's waiting for me to give up.

Why won't I get used to these kinds of pain.
And it doesn't get better.
At the end I still have to jump in bed, pretend to be asleep and get over it.

Should've died that day.
I wanna talk to him so badly.

Alright stop.

It was my fault.

Guys. If one day you broke up with your girl, just because you think you two don't match. I guess you'll be handing her heart to the reaper.

Maybe she'll move on. That would be years later, after every night destroying the eyes. Wetting the pillowcases. Maybe destroying many fragile things. Maybe screwing up some important tests. Yeah.

And that's fine.
If you think, as long as she doesn't suicide she'll be fine,,
If breathing means fine,,
Yeah.

How awesome it is. Able to breathe but wanting to quit this life.

I always think that I have a very dumb college classmate. She craves for a relationshit.

Why would you volunteerily walk into your own grave like that.
I wish her lucky enough to find a serious person.

I'll screw up my life. Let's hope I live a short life.b

.

I want to ask for another chance. Another chance for you to let me love you like how we used to be.
I miss you, you know that.
You miss me too, I felt that.
It's dumb of me to say, No. It was stupid for risking like that. I was saying what I thought. I won't think that I will change for you, but I already did, and still doing it. I'd do anything to keep our relationship going. You know that. It's not changing attitude, it's just I wanna do this for the sake of us.
It was dumb of me to allow you to leave me like that.
I wish I could hear you say it. I wish You want me back. I wish you and I still could say I love you to each other.

I wish I can hold your hands and play with your fingers.
I wish I feel those soft nibbles of yours. Those kisses. I wish I can experience all that.

I miss your everything. Every effort you put in. I miss, putting effort into us too. I miss I don't ha?e to do this, This. Every time I miss you, I can't text you, because you'd call me to fuck off.

Because I suck.

Ponzi

It's actually a relief. When you seriously told me, it really dropped somewhere.
At least you didn't throw it. Or remove it.
At least it was an accident.
At least things are making sense now.
A little sad. But it's okay.

:)

😭😭😭😭😭😭
How could I made you leave me.

.

I just saw one of those screenshot memes. Ah whatever they call it. Not exactly memes.

Something about goodnight.
Her sending "Goodnight" at 6:43pm when she's mad at him.

I miss his goodnight texts.
So I tried to flashback. What did he say everytime after a fight to not let me sleep off with that fucked up mood.

And it's killing me, because, I can't remember.
He'd call me. And I hear his voice, and that's enough to make everything better.

But when he didn't call,, what did he said?

Stupid WA has the search function.
I searched "slept". Assuming, he'd ask "Slept?" In that situation.

Rewind and rewind. The word appeared many times. I've said it, he said it too. After we broke up. The day.we broke up.
Days before.

Until he days there were "love you" at the ends of convo.
Or kisses emoji.

And there's no turning back cuz I've screwed up TONIGHT.

I thought I'm metal hearted now I thought I can smile and laugh to every situation no matter how fucked up it is.

Weak bitch.

I'll fix it. One day,
It won't be something I have to search for, so far behind chat histories. I'll fix us. We're just bent.

Cuz relationships can't end like that.

I've been driving

It's finally Friday tomorrow. I've been looking forward to Saturday. Hope he comes. It's getting extreme. Missing him. Listening to too many songs lately. Ugh should stop. Studied so efficiently this afternoon.

So much drama in college. I wonder if everywhere else are like that. Or maybe I should get off the internet to avoid that negativity. Yeah definitely should quit that shit.

Badminton badminton Imiss badminton I miss him I miss long 8 hour sleeps I miss giving him a big fat hug and seeing those smiles I miss him calling me I miss everything.

Such torture.

Oh right new update. I've been driving to college. Third time driving an auto car. It's not as hard as manual (duh) but it's still fucking scary. Cuz I can't assume the distance. I look at the side mirror but still can't predict if it's safe to switch lane with a car back at that distance. My mom said I drive like a turtle, so it's safe. My sister kept telling me to speed up but I'm just too damn nervous. And I monotone scream whenever I think I couldn't make it to that right lane but I need to turn right (aaaaah).. driving is still scary. My sister wants to play with her phone, but I kept asking her questions so she has to mentally drive with me lmao. I wish I get to drive without those 100000 worries and get better quick. Yeah. $*$*#? Why are there... so many cars on the road *cries*

There's not much difference. If one day my parents can let me drive independently.... according to confession page, there's not much space in the school parking anyway. I'm not gonna risk parking illegally. No.

:/

Updates

So we had a small test today. I wasn't really done studying. Anyways... I think it shouldn't be too bad. Tried to study the pass few days, and had some problems that Google doesn't explain nicely. I realized my WA status bar is to show him, 90% times, because I was afraid that I might disturb him. Well I guess that works ok. But then I solved that confusion asking the teacher.

March intake are in. I heard one of my Form 1 classmate is here,, and an okay close librarian friend. So far as we know, there'll be 8 of them joining in the class around june.

So for the small test we had last week,,, gosh it was terrible. Not expected. And I realized I had like at least ten percent marks deducted because of that stupid shitty carelessness. Gosh it was from the same question. _&$*(#(@ I can't math. T.T I'll do better next time. I fucking will.

Our chem lecturer has done teaching the syllabus up to June. That means, we'll be having tests and doing many many questions until then. Aaaaaaah. Bio, the pace is just extremely slow....

These days I'm getting annoyed. I refused to teach Mel Chinese for a week. And then getting more and more annoyed cuz he can't stop singing during class. Ish, I wouldn't mind if his voice is okay. Sorry not sorry. That patience decrease like hell each time I hear him ugh.

Confession page too. I saw how some dickheads treat their gf's. One confessed he has gf but having feelings for another. Another one confessed he has gf but recently falling for his frequent sex partner,,, which is the gf's best friend. Wtf. Like seriously. Wtf. This kind of person. This kind of best friend. What a best friend.

Then that stalker.. treating him like shit has been a habit. He's fucking slow. Class rep found a way to make him leave. "Hey there are pretty girls passing by our class." He immediately went for it. Ugh what kind of person. Such disgrace to males.
But good, get lost. I guess he can't understand body languages and even English.

I think I should talk to Mel. Tell him why I'm treating him like shit this recently. And how awfully distracting that singing could be.

Being alone is so much better. Completely alone.
Like now.
Ugh

《你就不要想起我》

明明你也還愛我   沒理由愛不到結果
只要你敢不懦弱   憑什麼我們要錯過
- Hebe 田馥甄

所以我們 絕對不能錯過

夜長夢會多  你就請想一想
為點小事錯過 值得嗎

加油  挽回他

.

想笑又想哭。

These days, we didn't fight. We didn't argue. There's nothing wrong. Sometimes he tagged me in posts, sometimes he randomly talks to me. I only talk to him when stuff are happening, or when I have excited things that I'd love to share.

And his reactions are priceless. He's adorable. He's sweet.

I still see sad posts, listen to sad music, and my heart breaks a little. I use his photos, our photos to overcome that sadness and go on with my life. Im scared but I don't care. I've lost him and there's nothing else I can do.

I've tried. Of course he knows I still love him. The only thing I have to wait for, is his final reply. I'll wait for him to say, let's get back together. I'll wait for him to agree to make this relationship work again. I'll show him the change and I won't screw it up anymore.

It's my fault, and I will fix this shit. He knows I'm still waiting. And he knows that I won't give up. I'll  let him realize, I will never ever leave him no matter how bad the situation goes.

I'll be alright

.

Life isn't perfect. I might, used to be the happiest person in the world. But maybe I can continue to be. He's still there. I hope not just in my illusion. He's still there, even tho he looks like he left.

I'm okay having him partially here. I'm okay enough like this. I'll live like this and hope for the best. I wish he knows, there's this person here, that will never give up on him no matter what.

I'm not a stupid idiot doing stupid shits.
It's worth the wait.

If at the end, he finds someone else,

 

I'll talk about it if only that happens.
Only if.

Everyday counts. So I'll just.. pretend that won't happen. I'll just think it the positive way. That's the only way to make the waiting process livable, right?

Mixiu, wood.

Training

If I've not been writing, it's either all is ok,, or... I'm busy as fuck.

I guess it's both. Today he was awesome. I sweaar. I'll practice if I have time. I'm very very not used to jump smash, sorry.

Today coach let us do some multishuttle with punishments. I remember so well, how old training used to be like. A push up for every mistake.

And today, it's smashing and defense.
I was nervous. Very. Cuz I know my smashes are weak. And he was watching. But then it's awesome how he got excited and lifted me up.

Haha <3 gah. I'll try my best. In studies, in self improving, in anything.

Okk have to study. 

Sincerely wish that slippery court didn't cause much injury. Get well 😣  and jiayouuu ! Stay awesome.

Wood:)

I'm very very happy, jw cares.

I tell him a little situation here, he asks more in detail. I tell him I'm helping, he asks my attire and my job scope. I tell him sister's leaving, he asks for fun or work.

He cares and he still cares. And he's freaking adorable. He pretends to not care, but he can't do that when I kept making him curious.

I love him. And it's great to know he never left.

I'll be with him.

2016 birthday

Every year, It was the same. The same holiday, the same little celebration at night, my family. Well these two years, it got different.

Last year, after camp, he brought me out. It was really exhausting as part of the organizer,  especially having so many sudden problems,, kinda fail.... but then he gave me a night that awesome.

This year sam said let's lunch together. It's the first time March 14 has been a school day. The unlucky thing is, stalker followed.

But second time having a group of peeps singing birthday song for me. Very freaking thank you, but I seriously don't know what to do in between that...

Sam got me a piece of cheesecake from secret recipe. I actually miss him so freaking badly. Very badly... he got me two pieces of cakes last year. And kisses.

It's a very simple lunch. I'm sure it's not making anyone broke. But it's sweet, what they did.

Thank sem1 for being nice classmates, keeping stalker away from me,
Thank sam for the cake and the meal and the effort
Thanks si for the lil adorable flower ferrero rocher
Thank him for spending a night with me sacrificing the golden time that should've been used to finish the assignment.
Thank him for the wonderful memories, and still wishing me at midnight, for not sleeping off, for everything...
I might've lost the video.. but it's permanently recorded here. And you're in it, too. You're always here..

I wish you, all the best for your tests! Jiayou wood :)

Wood:)

I thought he slept. Slightly disappointed, but still glad he brought me out on Saturday, I guess it was for my birthday. :))

As I was struggling whether to sleep off or bring the fruit plate and cup down to wash,,, I heard the loud vibrating notification <3 the bessst

Now how can I sleep :3 I can't even relax my face! I shall... torture my legs and climb all the way down..... to wash. Alright. And then crawl all the way back upstairs and further up to bed to sleep. (Imagining it already feels painful. Ohgosh)

Anyway It's a happy midnight. 😁 😁😁😁😁 I just can't stop smiling ohgosh.

:) ilyjw

.

I screwed up slope. The first time, in driving practice, I screwed up slope. Wow.

Well.

Gosh, our dear driving instructor was telling me about how one of the students were being unreasonable, and she was so pekcek she hit my lap.

Fucking hurts.
Yesterday I can't feel my legs when I bend them, so I'm walking like I'm using fake legs, feeling like falling constantly. Big no no to stairs. Today? Worse! If I never mentioned, the stairs to my bed are freaking tall. Old people can't bear it, their knees will hurt. You can imagine the height.

And now I'm like gosh I need to eat pizza. And spaghetti. Wait I Want hot food. But no it's earthquake season of hell, tsunamis happen. And these peeps drinking cold beverage in front of me, that I'm trying to avoid it for the rest of my life. I think I can do that. It's just sometimes, if those drinks are rare and special, I'm gonna drink it. Same for ice cream. $#&¿>>¿ I need pizza. Fuck

I should hibernate and avoid further gaining weight and skip all those painful shit.

*criess*

And so, naaaap.
I wish everyone has to go tru this so it's fair. Every time I think of how much time I wasted on this... unfair. So much to do. Especially, boys. They don't have to be bothered at all.

I can't believe my legs hurt so bad to move I rather skip lunch and sleep to avoid moving(Remember, I can't resist food?)
Hoho fml. 18 years of birthday, tomorrow would be the worse one. I'd be forced to take the lift down three floors, damn it. Nooo. Ughfuck..
*cries a flood*

Problems

Because I can't drive, there are tonnes of transportation problems. I need to get back early, they can't get me back early.

Because I changed a direction, I'm far away from music. I even thought of quitting guitar. But what, am I gonna waste that effort? For pre u, why not? I need to score better. I need to quit them.

Because I have studies to busy now, I can't help. I can't help when there are staffs running away issues. I can't help sales because I never helped out and I don't know anything.

Because I can't help in the shop, I know that I should help in that event. I went, but Idk what I've helped. I didn't exactly do anything. I was just studying in that freezing hall.

Because THAT's more important, and I said no to mom and grandma. I argued with them. Because I have nothing to say. Should I say, because I made the one I love the most left me forever, so I would pick him all the time, to be with him, even tho there's anything going on, I will choose him without hesitation? That's what I'm gonna do, but I'm not saying it.

I just want to save our relationship..

And now I can't even do anything. I'm a bad daughter. But he's that important to me.

And I'm not doing well in both sides. Mom and grandma's definitely disappointed.
And he, I've screwed up that side too.

"Go die"
When that sentence was being said, I would like to. But how are you supposed to die when you're not exactly alive.

Everything's wrong. Gc's not well. There'll be financial problems. And I need better results to make that financial shit better. But I'm not doing well.

I'm not doing anything well, get me?
And all I did was failing. Getting terrible results. Screwing up tests. Failing driving test. Getting sick then slowing down in studies. What shit. And when I'm understanding the chapters, these events came. And all I can do is sit there and cry and not tell them what exactly I'm thinking.

This event happens once in a lifetime.

I know, I'm sorry. But him, I lost him. I have little chances to spend time with him, so one night with him, is more important that once in a lifetime event. I want to fix us.

It's very hard. I want to fix us, so we can last a lifetime, the longest forever possible.

Hey stalker

"Can I sit here?"
Do you see I purposely putting my bags at the side?
Do you see I never looked straight into your eyes?

"DO You REMEMBER what I WhatsApped you?"

"Oh sorry."

Or maybe next time I shouldn't say "STOP following me," I should just say "Fuck off please."

I thought you didn't understand body language, so I used English. As a fucking straight A arrogant stalker, if you don't understand English, I should just give you my fist next time.

Insomnia

Like I said.

I can actually convince myself, that I'm a failure. So damn fucking failure that I can't do anything well, so that I don't have a reason to feel bad anymore.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep because of all those shits in my head, telling me I can't get that shit done. JUST LET ME SLEEP `&$(#("

Everytime I'm tired but I can't sleep, I tap in the folder "History" that once use to be titled "Him".

It actually helps for five minutes. Then back to insomnia.

I've been missing classes just to get this shit done. It's just so annoying.

I can't believe this.

Yes tell me how well the rest of the world can do. It SUCKS to be that suck. But thanks for the softness.

I'm gonna do so fucking well next time and their sunglasses break. Fuck them all, racist asses.

.

只有失智的才會後著臉皮 堅持不走
現在開始我不要再想複合了。
什麼都不好，脾氣不好，成績不好，態度不好，樣子不好，身體不好，人不好，駕車不好，頭腦不好，打球也不好

就算複合了 他不會開心
我不會開心
所以不用了

不要再傻了  他永遠只會看到不好
我不配。

Random nap

Okay I woke up, so freaking comfortable and satisfied but not too satisfied with the nap. The room was dark, my bed lamp was working, no books by my side, my phone was charged.

12:50am
So I was wondering. When did I slept? Usually if I take a short nap at night, I won't turn off the main light, to hope that I still wake. If I studied in my bed, there'd be books, and someone would turn off the switch for my lamp, and the lamp will not function. Whatever time I slept, I must've been planning to study at night, but overslept.

And suddenly I recalled, because I couldn't remember my dinner.

I slept before dinner at 6. That time the sky was dark too, starting to rain, and my grandma was still cooking. I was expecting someone to wake me for dinner.

But then I had 7 hours nap. Wow. Guilty not guilty. Hey I was still sick. Hehe. And very tired.

Anyways mom promised me next time she'd wake me.

The only problem was, should I dinner or not?
Hehe he said get fat and sleep. So alright. Heheheh. :3 thank god he wasn't asleep yet at that time...

This shit will never happen, anymore!
Still.... awesome nap.

Sick

I remember from house of night, that set of awesome vampire school series, it says young vampyres (fledgings who weren't completely vampyres yet) goes to the fledging school and undergoes "changes" before they become a real vampyre.

And there are fledgings that don't finish the process. They just die. It's called, rejecting the change. And when they do, they cough like mad, and cough blood, and die.

I was in lychee's place today. And I felt like a fucking rejected fledging. Without the blood of course. Oh people are asking me. Yh, you can sleep,?? Even before the day you get results?

Of course I can. I can because I was damn fucking tired. But then after I wake up to catch up whatever studies, I can't sleep. And the reason is,,  my throat is fucking dry and WATER HELP NO SHIT. (That's how a rejected fledging feels like, I guess.) Luckily I wasn't in an exam hall or stuff like that. There's just lychee being hell nervous bout the results, and me *coughing crazily madly hell*
I feel damn fucking hydrated but damn fucking dehydrated. Yes, ironic! But that's how it's like!!
%&$(#)";=;'(

I wanna breathe without not wanting to breathe. Get me? And Google won't tell me how to get that soft palate hydrated. No. Nothing soothes it. It's like desert there, even tho a mouthful of saliva. Zzzzzzzzzzz Being unwell ISN'T FUN. At least I can stay awake now. Tell me how to breathe without being annoyed with the throat, please. Been daaays.

4.17 am.
Oh no. Oh nononono. Wrong time. Why am I awake. As I said, I can stay awake, partly thanks to the throat. Sometimes, everywhere doesn't felt right. I couldn't decide how to breathe. Use nose, I dry out the part above soft palate and the whole nasal pathway; use mouth, I dry out the throat, lips and the whole freaking roof. I should just stop breathing.

I figured out why the word sore is created like that. It sores like how sawing it hurts. That strepsils commercial. SAW THROAT.

ok ignore me bye. Just trying to fall back asleep.

He's sweet. :3

Results

Actually did not expected this.

Okayy I expected screwing up two languages. But not those useless compulsory subjects.

Many people got as bad as usual internal exams. I actually "improved". Cuz my trials was way worse, it was the forecast that made it look less terrible.

Now I'm worried about pre u math.
I really can't math. Tho Sam said she'd help me in math and hope I help her in bio.

Statistics is just worrying me.

I'll do better in pre u.

Oh good thing is I didnt fail anything.

Kbye.

Wish the elderly relatives don't call to ask.
IM NOT SAYING.

Wood:)

Joints sore. Headache can't go away. Sore throat is much better but fever and sweating like hell. I wish it's nothing bad. I never skipped any day of vitamin. Yes I always cursed myself. But then, I have hope in us. I think we can make it, some day. Even if not, I'll have to bear with it. I'll be okay.

But for now I wanna focus on studies. So please, pathogens. Leave me alone and let me have the strength to work hard. I want to study. I need that energy I used to have. I can't waste any more time here in bed. It's killing me.

Just give me back that strength. Exhausted.

Wood wood cares. I think.
I tagged him in some fb stuff. He tagged me too, in some. I just want him to know, whenever I see nice things, I think of him. I always think of him, and he's always at the top in my heart. I think he felt that. It's just another way to tell him, hey, I miss you and I care about you. I'll just tag you here so I can imagine you smile when watching, and that's enough. Keep up with your work, and stay fine and healthy. Yeah, that's all I need. I don't need to start a chat with him to tell him I care and I love him. This is another way to remind him.

I'm happy he started a chat with me. Even tho it's hell freaking short, it's adorable. He's just nice. :) I wish we get better. I wish he's always okay. I love him that much. And it just soothes me knowing he might not be as well as now if we officially got back together. But if one day that miracle happens, I will thank everyone in this planet that makes that happen. I will not take it for granted. Love is a choice. If he wants me back as a choice, I will make sure he doesn't regret. Damn I'm dying.

Get well soon yh. Many battles ahead. 

Sick

When I'm sick, I think about him a lot. No. I think about him all the time. I'm just more often sleeping, having weird dreams, and laying down and having time to think.

I think my immunity sucks. 

I remember, when he was starting to have some symptoms, and I was hoping it to not be dengue. I just wanna kiss him and get sick the next day, then we don't have to wait for the results to know.

I was blank in class last week, and I spend the weekend mostly sleeping.

Fuck.

Seriously need to get up.

There are no breaks.
Okay. No more. Naps.

Ughhhstopsleepingyh

2/3
My phlegm is fucking thick and GREEN(EW). I feel like melting. Headache just fucked off. Sore throat is much better but I'm still burning and sweating like hell. I wish it's nothing bad. I never skipped any day of vitamin. Yes I always cursed myself. But then, I have hope in us. I think we can make it, some day. Even if not, I'll have to bear with it. It'll be okay.

But for now I wanna focus on studies. So please, pathogens. Leave me alone and let me have the strength to work hard. I want to study. I need that energy I used to have. I can't waste any more time here. It's killing time. Just give me back that strength.

Wood wood cares. I think.
I tagged him in some fb stuff. He tagged me too, in some. I just want him to know, whenever I see nice things, I think of him. I always think of him, and he's always at the top in my heart. I think he felt that. It's just another way to tell him, hey, I miss you and I care about you. I'll just tag you here so I can imagine you smile when watching, and that's enough. Keep up with your work, stay fine and healthy. Yeah, that's all I need. I don't need to start a chat with him to tell him I care and I love him. This is another way to remind him.

I'm happy he started a chat with me yesterday. Even tho it's hell freaking short, it's adorable. He's just nice. :) I wish we get better. I wish he's always okay. But if one day that miracle happens, I will thank everyone in this planet that makes that happen. I will not take it for granted. If that happens, I will make sure he doesn't regret. Damn I'm dying.

Alright get up. Getttup