Training

Yellow heart, yellow heart. Yip man have you had a yellow heart with someone before?

Wood's a nice nice guy. He knows I suck at badminton, he can't help himself scolding me for my stupid mistakes, but he'd back off and try to be nice. I can actually feel it. Well, maybe my face tells something. Even tho.. I was trying so damn hard to not show emotions, being poker faced. I can't believe I pulled a muscle during warming up strokes. He didn't know. Shush not gonna tell. And now, I walk funny, even upstairs. Damit. Ankle used to hurt when walking downstairs, now butt hurts walking upstairs or even flat surfaces. GREAT. Let's ignore that.

I peeked a few times when he used his phone. Fucking coincidentally he and her were snapchatting. Ok, I have nothing to say.

I definitely did not steal their yellow heart, someone else did. Being 'besties' with both of them, I can see he was still 'besties' with her but she wasn't besties with him. Very,very sad case. Sitting there contemplating life, he suddenly explained. Well, I didn't ask for explanation, wood. Sorry for being jealous, but even I myself have a new yellow heart with a guy. And even snapstreak. Yellow heart tells a lot. It means the guy snapchats you the most. It means, I'm so dead cuz he could be a potential good badminton buddy. Ughh skip that matter.

About pineapple. She's one of my bestie, not snapchat bestie but real life bestie. I'm not gonna complain about you guys anymore. I'll be jealous but not show it anymore. We gonna stay besties. Even if you have a thing for her. Even if she has a thing for you. I dreamed of us again, you let me hug you! And you didn't even push me away. Dreams will be dreams. Hmm. I know you're busy. I wish I can help in any way. Mentally, or physically. Heh thanks for letting me know so long ago what you'd need. :3

You're not a bad guy, you're just silly. :3 And I love it.

Little college stuff

So much to write about.

What happened yesterday? Sudden realization that I might be dumb, but when I'm focusing, I can be precise as no one could believe. Yesterday morning we woke up early as fuck for a replacement chem class, damn, that midnight I had gastric. More like I'm having gastric three days consecutively. Jaclyn told us to form groups of three earlier, stomata told chin to join. I DON'T GET WHY. Sorry, not sorry. He's the worst lab mate ever. I have nothing to say as it was too late to stop her, he's in. The experiment failed like fuck. The first time, chin did the titration, then when he should stop the flow from the burette, he turned the wrong side, ended up the solution flows out faster. SORRY NOT SORRY, ABSOLUTE IDIOT.

Then I did the titration, I was actually fucking nervous but I think I had the most accurate result. Stomata did the third, our results was close but not too close. The last titration, I was about to do it. And they suggested chin do it. Yeah yeah practice makes perfect blahblah. Know what my mind has? "I DON'T TRUST YOU, MAN, BUT I HAVE NO DAMN CHOICE" And as expected, he screwed it up again adding excess. Very fucking thanks. I really should thank him for telling me I can focus very well on experiments. And because of him, I concentrate so much more just to rescue him before he did anything stupid again.

After the experiment, I met Tj, thrice. Lol. Just because we went to the library for aircon, then to the caf for food. Then after stupid mpu class, he came to me just because we were bored. It feels weird. I'm having concerns, because one does not simply skip class to just meet a little friend. I'm not gonna feel bad.

Ahh that day me, shell, stomata, and three march intake girls went to mcd together. Gah it was great. Actually love them. One's mistaken Dan, fucking pretty like a model. Then Nana, our moody sarawak friend, and CY. They're actually really really fun to chat with. Dan's always with trolling expressions, CY has the English flow that I envy, while Nana's relaxing to be with. Gah. Getting along with new people in life makes the day awesome.

I think I typed so much about yesterday I forgot what I'm supposed to write for today's stuff.

Oh oh I remember. It's pure math. Bio was great, cuz I love this chapter. Ever heard the word Apoptosis? I still think it's a cool word after so long. Dorcas asked fish and he was too far away for me to help. Then she asked stomata, I can't believe stomata doesn't trust my answer! *Whispers "programmed cell death"*
Stomata: "I don't know". Whyyyy. Why.

After bio, we went to the library to chill a little, do homework etc. Pure math is hard. I still think the mind has to go through hell to push through the math maturation stage. Jeesh what am I saying. Don't say I didn't do homework. I tried, and it's so many questions, I couldn't do and couldn't finish. But then, I realized I could.

I've answered a question correctly that shell couldn't. I can't believe it, cuz I always thought she's the best for whatever academics. Then june and stomata actually refered to my workings because they didn't know how to do! And I thought my math was hopeless af!!! I was wrong, I just didn't practice enough. If I did, my spm add math would've gotten an A. If I did whatever pn Tan told us to do, one by one, I will do so much better. Anyways I love our pure math teacher. Another Mr Lee, a very interesting guy. Respect the question lol.

"What's Pi, three point one, four, two? Nine? Seven? I was bluffing, I don't know lmao. "

Today's a really happy day. Except the workout part. Feeling fucking lethargic. Don't know why. But the minimum distance is a kilometer, I ran with a fucking gastric, maybe that's why. On the way cycling back. I almost died. There was the last junction to my house, and cars everywhere. Thought it was perfect to cross but I missed out one car heading towards. I braked, and lost balance. Then jumped off the bike.

Close call, no injuries, not dead, and bike was okay. I almost died.

Wood tagged me in something, which made everything definitely much better.

I think I'm living life fullest rn.
I gotta let go of the stuff that I'm supposed to.

Maybe I've been underestimating myself all my life. How could people trust me if I can't even trust myself?

One day, I'm gonna find the dream, and proudly tell whoever wants to know, cuz I can, and I'll not let myself down.

Guitar stress

Teacher. Please. After I take grade 8 exam, I'm done. Completely done. I don't wanna take diploma. Damn I'm not going this musical path, I'm not into this. I'm very done. Ugh. I'll just take it as a entertainment, but you can't expect much from me!

I know. I know. You're a great teacher, you didn't ask much fee from us. I know Idk how to be grateful. But for now, there's a few things in my life, and it'll be entertainment, hobby, releasing shits, and studies. Guitar is just not entertainment anymore. I'm just stressed with it. Violin is still entertainment. Releasing shits, I'm getting it from workouts and badminton.

Should I quit? No. I shouldn't. Why shouldn't I!?

This is exhausting

Badminton

I'm so sad. Idk why. Wood tagged me in something, he's back to jungle but he's fine and healthy. I wasn't alone in class even tho stomata ditched me, Shell accompanied me. Everything was fine, Jaclyn taught us a new topic bout transition elements. it was interesting. Week of hell was over. Everyone was so considerate and nice, I wasn't given stress and shits like that during mix.

But why am I sad. It feels empty, like it has been empty for so long. It's like I'm so tired I lost my aim of life, and I don't know what I wanna do. I want to work harder but it seems like I'm not going places. It seems like I couldn't play badminton well. I've been a beginner for so long. At the start, I just wanted to beat guys. I just wanted guys to stop looking down on girls, but until now, I can't. They can't cover me because I suck. Because no matter what I do, I did wrong, but they were okay. I suck and I deserve a long shitty lecture. Be mad at me like how wood did, be like how coach did. I miss him like hell, I look at all of them but I still think he's the best.

I wanna play mix better, I wanna not let him down anymore, but I don't know how. What to do. I really love to play badminton, but I don't even know how to be a good partner. How do I improve, then?

Hiking in Cameron

I can't believe. Suicide weekend, half of the suicide activity was cancelled due to we got there a lil late. So only the 11km marathon thing was left.

I ran with my sister at first, then she was breathless too soon. So I got solo again. Everyone was so energetic at first. Then the tracks starting to become mountain road, means no more running. Mountain track was terribly hard to run. I tried, almost broke my ankle. It was confirmed swollen by the future awesome physiotherapist. Left and right, I'm fucked.

Mountain track, can you imagine? Steep as fuck plus it rained, plus it's fucking more than 45 degrees steep. And the fucking moss. You can't even speed up. I took 1hr 40 mins to finish this. Ankle survived, then miloooo. Actually slightly satisfying. I didn't run for a week but managed to survive.

It's a sad weekend.

Mood's still affected by him. I can't believe it even happened in the car. I have no where to hide. I'm sad how he spoke to me, man. I'm sad seeing him back to jungle. I miss him like crazy. No last words.

He was really really awesome. I fucked up all fucking time.

Back pain + hike?

I find the floor awesome for pain relieve. No no not with punching. Recently back pain is completely back. Except it doesn't affect when I inhale hard. It's the left upper part. It gets worse and worse when I'm sitting a chair without the leaning part. Sitting like that for few minutes can make me die. Then lying on floor flat helps so much I love the floor rn.

This weekend is suicide weekend. I'm gonna have training as usual, then climb a mountain, then run a 11km journey. Then Monday would be back to college and there's badminton selection stuff too. Ughh. I can imagine, by that day, I'm gonna become a fucking dead meat. Hell was just over, not completely over, I skipped a week of workout then suddenly woah.

Suicide weekend? Yeah. And with a bad ankle and back, I'm gonna die for sure. Physically.

I'm lying on the awesome floor rn, typing this draft. Thinking of how dead it's gonna be. And all that homework.

I have three fucking subjects, and i couldn't finish the homework from each of them. Plus now rushing stupid art and craft. Stupid art and craft brought back the back pain.

Fuck you cage.

.

I was doing art and craft, last project. Everything was okay. Then TJ texted me. I shooed him in a way. I wish I can directly say fuck off, but I couldn't.

I hate that I accidentally forgot to mute my phone , then got extremely disappointed when it was just this guy who texted me. Back to mute, my back starts to hurt. How could back pain trigger memories!?

Everything went replaying. I looked at his photos, and think about how he used to love me.

So I was forced to get on bed.
I miss him so much my entire body hurts.

And so I texted him and instantly regretted.

He didn't be mean to me, because I didn't say anything.

I wish I can hear his voice.

I have loads of work to do and I'm stuck here. For fucking nine months. I couldn't get over him. I couldn't stop climbing to bed and cry over him. I couldn't get rid of him.

I have to move on. Please.

This is the last time. I can be happy without him. I can be happy without thinking of him.

I actually can't

Give me a colour you think it's nice.
Red
Frowns, why
Because red was his favorite.

I gave your favorite colour instead of mine without any hesitation. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME !?

I don't love you anymore wood.

No one gives a shit.

As long as you're healthy and happy, I'm happy too.

.

People say, morning and goodnight texts are the best, because that proves you're thinking about them before or after you sleep. We don't have that anymore, but I think of him, more than that. I woke up with a short flashback of us after one fight. He hugged me tight. That was after his melaka trip. We stayed hugging for a long time. He was soft.

Fucking playback in my head could cause a sentimental morning.

Can't sleep.
Why, emo?
How you know
Because I'm always emo at night.
Well I've never seen you emo
No one has seen

People see me pissed, angry, crazy and happy as hell. But that's the only way to mask sadness right?

You laugh to tears, you get mad and no one wants to look at your face. I rather get blamed by my whole family for being short tempered, than them blaming him for me being... different like this. I rather they say, shits behind my back instead of telling me useless stuff that won't even help.

Telling me to let go won't help, telling me there are many more out there doesn't help. Keeping their mouths shut helps. I'm not saying I have no one to tell, not saying no one cares about me. I know there are people who does. But I don't need that kind of care. I don't need them looking at me feeling unable to help. Drama queen was like that at that time. She just makes me wanna break down even more. There are loads of shits in my head, and being stared like that only make shits worse.

Cuz I need a release. I need to punch. I need a real punch bag, not a wall. Since NO one would be helpful with my shits. Orange said she feels better telling stuff bout her crush to her highschool squad. We're very different. I feel like I do have friends, but I no longer tell these personal shitty terrible feelings to them anymore. Keeping shits in, I think one day, I might explode. Maybe die of tiredness. But that's not on anyone's fault.
I need a day off to just cry.

I have weird news. I want a chance to release some shits. I wanna punch properly without hurting myself, but effectively making myself feel mentally & physically better. I need a punchbag, or... whatever hard that can survive unfriendly fist bumps. Seriously. When I get older, maybe when I get to financially survive better, I'm going to sign myself up. 

First I have to drive well without being scared. Goals are away from me, and I needa get myself there on my own first. #$% fml, I need to get to the top for studies. 

Lactose intolerant

I put up the cheese tarts and wood talked to me. He reminded me that my stomach doesn't like dairy products. Damn, I feel like the description I gave lcw is extremely accurate:

He's a complete ass if I wanna talk to him about us, but he's ok when I talk bout other stuff. He wants me to give up, and sometimes he starts convo with me when he sees me posting weird stuff, usually to tease me or just give random comments. Can feel that he still cares.

I'm actually very very satisfied with the cheese tart reminder. Thank you for caring :D I can sleep well tonight.

You'll see.

Tryy

I was relieved that there's like no boys in March intake. But the college badminton has lots of boys. I don't wanna get close with them, but for the sake of badminton, I will. Know how I make boys stop hitting on me?

I miss my ex, truly extremely badly. Maybe I'd be the one 'Seen'ing their messages, then after saying that, they'd 'Seen' mine.

I just done my math homework. So fucking happy. But not so happy, I'm full of shit. Back pain's coming back. Different kind of back pain. Possibly when I removed my office chair, maybe I'm straining my back. And ankle's not getting better. I feel so old, lol. And mad. I have loads of shits in my head, I wanna smash, I wanna punch. I kept telling stomata, I wanna learn kickboxing, she said she'd join me, and we'd learn together. We can even have sparings etc etc. I want to punch properly without breaking my fist. That's all.

The plan was to pretend not to want 'us' anymore. I should pretend harder. Try harder, until he believes, he will treat me normal again. Normal as in, stop trying to make me stop. He could be my training buddy, my crazy ass fierce trainer, my personal critic (lmao), my friend who loves to tease me. And I can be that silent supporter, which.. he knows I'll always be there for him. Just like that. We can be just friends like that.

I dreamed about us, just me at his dining table, and us having a little convo. Then his mom entered. It's awesome. It's nothing much but it's awesome. I miss his mom. That bright bright smile. I failed this week, I'll do better next.

Everytime I miss him, I'd study harder. He's motivation for improvement. He's my anger stimulator, anger is motivation. HAHAA omg. Nah just kidding. His study attitude is my motivation. I want to be like him, but less fierce. I'll be like him without all the swearings.

Right. I should study biooo right now  :D

How are you ?
Good, but not so good, actually very bad, but still surviving so,, not too bad,

uhhhuh

.

Why do I say sorry as a habit, in each mistake during mix doubles, why do I feel so stressed and pressured even tho no one gave me that feeling, why do I hate myself when no one's blaming me. Why do I feel so funny when they praised me when I know how bad I've done.

When your whole life you've only been receiving critics. You forgot how to face appreciation. Even a thank you feels weird.

Because I wasn't good enough. I'd improve so fucking much if I have consistency. I'd win matches for them if I didn't had such terrible habits of being nervous and ruining everything.

Don't say that I did well, I know what I am, I know how I did. The first time in my life, someone said my net was good. My net was good during multishuttle, but it wasn't good when I'm having hell of second day, it wasn't good when I'm nervous as hell, it wasn't good when I'm being myself, dreamy and slow.

March intake(the girls)came in, stomata and I sat closer with them than the rest of the class which sticked together. I like being with them, but I prefer a better view of the whiteboard during lecture. Stalker has a seat with the bananas now, so he wouldn't disturb us anymore. Even tho, stomata and I switch seats all the time, alternately, with the seats beside completely empty. The girls are nice, they're not expectedly hard to talk to just because they're pretty.

Today stomata ditched me without informing, I was actually alone. Channel, the prettiest in class, sat next to me. Ah she's actually fking adorable. As in, how she act, not just the appearance. Another prettiest in class too, she looked cool, but she's actually very funny lol.

It's been a long time since I've actually made new friends. I've avoided it for him. Now, I'm not gonna lose opportunity for connections, but tbh I'm not interested in guys anymore. Even if it's badminton, even if I'm going for badminton, I'd like to improve myself. Get to know one or two seniors from other courses, but just that.

I'm moving on but I'm not completely moving on. She asked if I'm going to pierce more. If we never got together, I'd have two or three more piercings. But it's a change of plan, cuz I'm waiting. I'm waiting for him to come back even tho I know that he's not coming back. I'm reserving a space for him for all those awesome movies but I doubt he'd still ask me out. I look at his photos to make myself feel better when the day sucks like fuck, maybe cry a little then get back to the textbook. I torture myself a little whenever I miss him too much and I know I should stop. I scold myself for smiling when he talks to me adorable. I'm moving on because I didn't die daily for us. I'm not moving on because I'm trying to live my life while watering a dead flower hoping for miracles.

Miracles do happen, but things like that don't. We aren't getting back together. Not now, not in the future. But it's no use telling myself that.

Even if it broke, I'd still attempt to fix it. I'll keep it deep down somewhere I forget, but I'll think about it every day and night. No matter what, no matter how, I will not throw it away. At the same, I am living my life.

That is good enough.

Ankle gg

It scares me whenever I hear a click from my ankle. It happens everytime I stretch my calves by pushing forward against the wall, or... Just walking down the stairs, or certain angle when I walk. Then I'd twist left and right, few circles and see if it's still normal.

I think I know how dislocating a joint feels like. Happened years ago when someone hit my hand, and it's like fuck. But then ignoring the pain, doing some clenching movement, it simply went back to normal after a click.

The leg's a different case.

These days I'm rusting at home. It's hell day one so no workout. Not sorry, because I can. I'll just study more. I've been pre studying too much of bio my head's going mad. So much more to know, but I'm so slow. Damn it. And I should work harder on chem, as I suck at it. But whenever I look at two textbooks, I go for bio, naturally. It's a lot of wonder. :3

And I'm excited to know more and more. Chem too, but.. ugh. I should really stop giving too much on one subject.

Aaaahhh I'm craving for donuts rn. Fucking donuts.

.

Yesterday, I listened to an emo song. Then shits flashed back, I thought about how he treated me like shit, he could possibly kill my right ear. Such an emotional day.

Tbh I'm not expecting anything anymore. Sincerely wanting to stay single forever rn. Then also, frustrating bout my own shits. As in studies, etc.

I blamed my parents for bringing me here. Told them, you shouldn't have forced me here. I'm a little ungrateful piece of shit. I know. I should stop blaming them for making me female instead of male.

I was planning how I'm gonna skip meals and workouts. Then he appeared, and he made me smile. That smile which only exists with his presence. That wasn't planned. I was expecting my phone to not light up like that forever. I was planning to put my phone permanently on silent, as no one would find me.

But he did. And made me hate life lesser. That's not fair! How did he do that?

I'm gonna find out, and make him unable to do that. I hate living and that's not anyone's business to change that. Once I'm done, I'll leave this fucked up world for good.

I'm fed up of stuffing myself with terrible vege. I'm fed up of staying to be the last, needing to do ALL the cleaning. It's not fair. I'm fed up of these fucking selfish people who only know how to enjoy.

There's something wrong with my patience since like... last saturday.
I can't stand my sister. I can't stand everyone. I rather not watch the stupid drama and avoid everyone by staying in my room. If this goes on, I'm pretty sure I'll break my fist.

.

I dreamed of him examining me like I'm his patient. Us face to face. Then I leav forward and hugged him softly, surprisingly he didn't move away or anything. He hugged back and kissed my forehead.

My consciousness is trying get rid of him, but my brain wants him back. I try to sleep thinking of hot celebrities, making my own plots and shits, then I fall asleep dreaming bout what I want to think about.

It's not fair! My consciousness is fucking awake. I want to just study and get to the top of the class. I want to just score and make myself proud. I want to achieve and tell myself I'm Not a fucking idiot shit that can't do anything. I am capable of more, and I don't need a guy. But my head just doesn't let me rest when I want to.

I just wanna sleep without dreams. Without car crashes, without him, without stupid random plots that don't make any sense. Is that so hard?

Sem 2

Back to college. It started with a stupid presentation. Our group wore formally, it feels freaking uncomfortable bot wearing pajamas to college. It went well. Then it was chem.

In a new class, with the march intakes. Now we are one, but it feels like our classmates aren't friendly with them. Stomata and I sat at the left side, just because we didn't wanna sit behind, so now... We're at the same side with the march intakes.

Jaclyn improved. Her pace slowed down like fuck. I think she's trying to get her facts clear since there are more of us now. Just wow. Her pace could make a comparison with rita's rn.

New sem, already tired to death.

HDU

We went to visit someone today. Hospitals are scary. Not saying that I've been hospitalized before. It's scary. It's scary because of that day. It's scary when someone knows their own condition and has to sit back and let the WBC do their job. And that facial expression is scary too. I was dead worried.

Sometimes, I miss him so much, I have to tell myself how healthy and well he is, to be able to get back on my life. I have to tell myself that he's fine and there's nothing to worry.

I've put up a snap without caption. He saw and asked about it.

We might have ended, but it's a 100% that he cares. For that, I'm a very lucky person. People aren't meant to be happy, I guess. Bad things happen all the time once you realized how happy you are.

I think I should burn my diaries. 

Ankle gg

I'm confused.

Today we went for badminton again. Yesterday I slightly twisted the right foot due to not landing properly on a forward lunge. Today, same thing. Same foot, same bad lunge, while.. it feels more like I've injured the left foot.

.

I miss you.

I know you want me to let go, I tried but I couldn't. So from now, I'll pretend to look like I've given up on you. I'll look like I don't love you anymore. Deep down, I'll try to kill all that stuff I have for you.

I'll always love you in a way that you'll never realize it anymore. That's for our sake.

I hope this could stop giving you pressure. I hope I help you in any way. I hope because of this, we could turn back to how it looks like: senior and junior. You're a senior that I'll always admire.

One day, you'll leave my heart forever. You're toxic, and I will try to let go.

Fat

People always hate the slim ones saying "I look fat in this," and sometimes, they don't have the rights to say that. Who knows, how much the they've been working out for that body? Who knows how terrible the food depriving process went? And all these people only see that they're insulting them not so slim ones.

If you don't think you're fat, you will never start the losing weight journey.

Well we worked hard. Very fucking hard to reach whatever level we're at. And if sometimes we lose control, we have the rights to think that we're gaining weight again.

And if you're not working hard to lose all that fats, don't be sad when you look into the mirror everyday and see no improvement. You deserve that. Just a fact. If you've done no shit to become fit, accept your body and stop being butthurt over people commenting bout their own.

.

I'm so tired of telling myself to hate him, give up, then telling myself, it's ok there's a hope for us. It's a never ending cycle. Annoying never ending cycle. I can find proof that he still cares. I also can find proof that he's done. I need someone to convince me to let go. Not just 'hey, let go' So unconvincing. Why? Tell me.

Hike gg ankle

So we went to a freaking mountain again, today. (Sunday was the last time we went before this) I think, I definitely improved, thanks to 7kg weighed squats and some very terrible 3.8kg weighed lunges.

I'm very extremely determined now. To train for chin ups, to lose fats and tone everything up, to get great results in A levels. The improvement in hiking gives me hope. The drama gives me motivation. I think every drama I watch gives me motivation. Lol.

But right now, thanks to hiking, I'm making my left ankle worst. (I slipped, but I'm alive. It's a miracle. HAHA no, jkjk. ) And I'm having a bad bad.. friction-caused shitty thing on my thigh. Fuck la. I needa walk like sumo wrestlers to prevent it rubbing against anything.

Anyways. Life is okay. Hye Jung had lost everything at 18, and she managed to be a fucking neurosurgeon 13 years later. How she did that? She had 10 hours sleep every week. That's not possible, actually. But anyway. It's just telling us hardwork pays no matter what. I'm gonna get that fucking toned stomach, and I'm gonna score well in bio & chem. Fuck everything else. 

KDramaa

Let's have a deal. !@#$%^&*(
I'll skip that part.

These days there's so much going on. I watched many many movies, a few with someone, more at home alone. Also, I started a K drama. It's called 'Doctors'. I know it's a dumb move as the whole drama wasn't completely out yet. But that's a good thing I guess, I'm always waiting, just like how I really am. Got interested after watching a short advertisement about it. Park Shin Hye starring! :D

K drama makes everything perfect. It's fucking unfair. She got top in the class after two weeks of hardcore-ing, when she used to be a terrible student. Well that's absolutely my life too! But I only had third. It's not fair.

This tells, life sucks. No matter how hard you work, you can't be the best. You can't get to that point. No matter how hard you diet, you work hard, you change, you cannot be slimmer, be prettier than that girl.

But guess what! Just because of that shit, I'm gonna work three times harder to get the top then. I'm gonna work three times harder to get slimmer, I'll work three times harder in everything. Don't forget Kdramas aren't real.

10 hours a week. 10 hours a week I gotta achieve that.



Aiming thighs, abs, I have to run, squat, sit ups, but leftankle's feeling shitty. Just worried that it might affect badminton ._.
hell. 

Recovered lost data!

I almost killed myself.

I've been working on this file, editing, typing in words, the whole fucking night. I was done, so I saved that shit. Then I deleted everything, deciding to save it as a new document, but I was halfway done, and I clicked 'save'.

Get what I mean? It means everything I did the past few days are all gone. My heart prepared redo everything, prepared to punch the wall, prepared to cry.

Then wps saved me. It saved itself this morning, so I was actually able to recover the lost data.

Actually, life is good to me. Life deleted everything in my old laptop, but I saved a few of the important memories. All of them are supposed to be deleted. So I won't have any reason to look back. I don't need that guy, he's toxic to my life.

Life is good to me, and I'll appreciate, and stop being sad over what's not mine to have. He's toxic anyway. No harm letting go. 

.

I can't let go. I'm looking at my fucking bio textbook with a cap, but thinking bout 'I call shotgun'.
why don't you call yourself his wife then. Do I look like I mind. Do you think you can read my face?

It's done. Whatever ships, it's becoming shits.

I honesty hate my life. How awesome seeing everyone getting the best treatment from the guy, but myself being treated like a piece of shit. FOR WHAT? For wanting to take a break from spm? What shit. Can anyone believe the reason we broke up? Ask yourself. What fuck were you doing. Responsible? Look at yourself. Fuck you.


Well THANKS  for  letting me see you clearly, how shitty your heart is like. Thanks for ending the torture as soon as possible, well I wasted nine months of your life, but you waste a year and a half of mine just because I THOUGHT you weren't a piece of shit. 

.

I can't do this anymore. I promised myself to study but here I am, in bed. What could I do? I scroll. Facebook. Facebook has loads of depressing shits. Some trigger shits, some just made me pour. I'm tired, I want to study, but with the.face without being able to pretend, I can't get.off bed. Closing my eyes make it worse.

I can't do this anymore.

What is wrong with me. I scrolled down to.the bottom, I found myself archiving four individuals. Four most mentioned people in my blog. Three besties, and a fucking ass, him.

I know he's not worth my time anymore. Why do you wanna spend your day crying in bed for a piece of shit who returned your effort by being an absolute ass. There's no answer to that, cuz you don't. You don't put any effort in those.kind of people. You don't waste your life trying to show.him that you care, cuz he doesnt.

What's so sad about that?

Nah no.nothin g. 

I wanna break my fist.

That's punishment for being an idiot.for eight months.

.

I'm surprised by myself. So I have the ability to hide every feelings behind my fake ass poker face.

I did everything, and it doesn't work. It's time to let go.

I told myself, after I get.out of bathroom, I'm going to continue studying. I have loads of stuff to do. I can't jump in bed and cry just because of this already dead relationship. I have to continue living.

It hurts like fuck.

Seeing him laughing and communicating better with my very own bestie. I'm dying inside. But what can I do?

Pineapple stay away from him you two make me uncomfortable? No. She's my friend. And he's just my ex. I have no business there.

Do I look like I mind?
I mind. I wanna die so badly but I couldn't say a thing.

That's it, that's it.

Doesn't matter what happens next, no matter how he looks like he hasn't move on, that's none of my business. I give up.

Please pray hard that I die asap. I want to die. Right now. It's just so hard.

Wood

You can't put all the blame on me, wood! It's not fair! I'm sorry for being harsh back a little, but I wasn't unreasonable! I thought before I sent everything, and hope you could be reasonable back to me!

You were mad, I know why. You think I'm rich. You throw tantrums whenever finding out me buying things. Do you see me buying wants instead of needs? Don't I need mountain climbing shoes? I almost died thrice at a same mountain just because of having inappropriate shoes! Yeah? If you want me to die that badly, fine! I Could just wear slippers, then slip and die.

What else, are you mad for me not telling you? No? Then why? Why the fuck are you mad? You DUMPED ME. It's none of your business! But you care! WHY? Why the fuck do you care but still act like a fucking ass? If YOu care then stop teaching me to live like this. YOU're the one training me to live without you, then get mad when I survived? What fuck do you expect!? You want me to cry and beg for your return? Does that work? What else are you expecting? Give up, no. Move on, no. Love you, no. WHATEVER I DO, IT'S JUST MY FAULT.

My mind's clashing. I don't know what to do, and you're not helping at all. You're not helping.

I would make myself hate you, mad at you, but five mins later, I check for your fb, your snapchat posts, your photos, everything. I could never forget you, but I could make you think that I'm doing fucking well without you. Everyone's complete. We don't need another person to stay alive. I don't need you, wood. But then, I wish you were here all the time. I wish you could be with me whenever I'm happy, sad or whatever shit. That's all.

Yeah you used to be clingy, and still are, slightly. I used to be clingy too. These nine months has changed everything. I'm different, now, wood. I can do well without you, but I can do better with you. I can survive without you, but I miss you all the time. I can stand days, weeks without speaking to you. I can stand you leaving for a long time, but I always tell myself, you will be back. And we could be alright. And YOU shouldn't be mad about that, because you brought me to this place. You made me, me. Are you being mad knowing that I could do all these all alone ?


I'm tired. Everything I do seems wrong to you. I'm trying to change, for us, for you. But you made me look like a fool all the time, you made my effort dissipated. Is this what you want? To kill me like this for the rest of my life?

I don't have the heart? What do you know!? Sometimes, I tell myself how much I hate humans, and I should give up whatever I'm doing. But then, my head tells me, I want to make a change in this world, for good. I want to do things but I think I don't have the ability yet. And you, wood, you're the one bringing me down. You have no confidence in me at all. I'm just trying hard to improve myself, and you're always bringing the mood down. I thought you love helping others. And destroying me? More like you don't have the heart! I just thought, it's not fair. Just because you have the right attitude in studying and to repay your family, doesn't make you OK to mock whoever that doesn't have that yet. I haven't reach your standard yet, doesn't meant you're ok to laugh at me. I will improve, I will be better than whoever will never believe. I will find the right method, the right way to study, and I'll make you apologize for your stupid assumptions.

Your words can't bring me down. Anger is my motivation. Thanks to you, My stomach's slightly toned up. Thanks to you, my thighs are much stronger than before. Today's mountain climbing wasn't so bad, as I started training my thighs with 7kg weight. You think I can't lift you from a squat position?

We'll see. We'll see about that after some time. Well thank you for making me a better person. You suck. 

Updatees

Updatees. 

These days, I've been working on bio. It's half boring me to death. I think I need to stop. 

I'm also working on thighs! Fak. I love the feeling of the soreness. Wood says I'll have to make my thighs as thick as an elephant's leg, in order to lift him up from a very low squat position. Well. I know I needa be able to train my legs to lift someone with my weight first. 

GUESS what. I'm planning to give out my spm ref books. That means, I need another pile of stuff to replace that heaviness for working out purposes. PS, I used my old school bag and part of the ref books to squat. 5kg plus, plus the amp magnet, it's 6kg plus. Now, I have another way: Dictionaries. Four dictionaries could get up to 5.4kg. So now my schoolbag would be 7kg, and it's an awesome workout equipment. 

I can't wait until I see the results of that. I'm gonna lose fats from the thighs. Yay. Fuckyeah. 

All is good. He too, is freaking awesome. I think I've improved, in badminton. Slightly. And the controlling in food. I look at good food, smell good food, but take in the most disgusting ones: vege. It's a terrible life at the food part. Wood always thought I'm in a fucking luxurious life. Hell no! My sister and I aren't shopaholics, Can anyone believe that us girls living up to 18 years, never had our own personal wardrobe? We shared, using that freaking tiny shoebox. It's now fucking ancient. 

:3. it's four smtg and I can't wait for dinner. 

Next week, there are absolutely NO plans at all, so I'm gonna chemistry. >:) yay