Training with butterflies

Yesterday didn't started ok. Physically, mentally, both was kinda dying very very badly. I don't know what's with me, cuz when I stare at him, my head can't stop asking. Why did you left me. Etcetc.

Discipline is: smiling and laughing all the way even if you're crying inside.

So then, coach let us play something with punishment again. I was thinking, it's push ups. I'm doing them afterwards anyway. However. We have to partner with everyone, and one lose means 20reps. Alright.

There are two kinda beginner ones. Partnering them kinda makes the game very nervous. Because we'll have the same aim: Aim the girl.
So these three sets kinda brighten it up. I'm glad I didn't make a fool of myself in front of him. Backed up slightly better for the girl. Yeah the girl everyone was aiming at. Ooh gosh partnering her is just.. you have to get ready to fly to any furthest corner at any time.

I think he believed when I said I didn't lose. He was just playing around. :)

He thinks I'm being a lazy ass, not exercising everyday. Well. That's how I know he abandoned this... I had a one month anniversary streak. It'll be day 33 today. Maybe he hasn't notice the change. I'll work out more.

But my studies are in trouble ugh. Especially maths. Dyyyingggg. 

Anyways yesterday ended well.
Hug a bit?
Just a bit.
<3 I love to be that close to him.

To stay distracted

Just now my phone vibrated. I did not believe my eyes, but then it vibrated again, with red led blink. Woohoo.

:) he's busy. He's very very busy. :) miss him like heeellll. But then, I'm trained to adapt and move on. They say, let go. No. I let go the fact that he's busy, I move on doing my own things, but I'm allowing myself to still wait.

He's worth it, I swear. It's not an obsession. It's not self torturing. It's not torturing like how it seems. It's just like having a crush on a guy, then whatever you do makes you think of him and the memories. And you smile. Something like that.

They won't understand. Nobody will.
That discipline. I'm training that tru exercising. It's been a month. Just now when I did my streak record, I typed "Day31". One full month. I thought working out and dieting for a month won't possibly make any difference. Turned out I was wrong.

It did made some differences. Only myself and violin notices cuz I wear shorts, no one else notices. He said my legs are thinner. For me, I guess it's the narcissistic mirror reflecting habit. Hehe. I'd flex and relax, then feel determined to work more. Or sometimes, after doing planks, I like to walk in front of the mirror to look at the sweat on my back. However, my weight didn't make any difference. It's like going up and down everyday, but averagely remains.

Sometimes, working out isss fucking tired. But then... I'll cut down some sets. Or the planking duration. Or running duration. Running is the hardest!! I can't help bringing excuses about how the week of hell is around the corner. It must be, soon.

And the food part? I'm trying to eat healthier. Cutting carbs. But sometimes I can't resist bread that smells sooooo nice. (Like today's breakfast and that mini croissant)

Life can be less painful this way, actually. Focusing on workouts and studies, less on.... him... making that feeling fade by thinking about an equation, or highschool chemistry.

I'm doing well. I'm gonna survive this year. And practical(that's the thing I fear most).

Let's not allow feelings to fuck up a day anymore. Let's not allow feelings to occupy the mind anymore.
Let's survive.

We can do whatever our minds allow us to do.
I'll reach that running target at the end of the year. (Cries)

Lecturers

I spilled chemical on my shoe!

It's just salt hah.
First day of chemistry in lab. It was kinda interesting. I think our chemistry lecturer Jaclyn issss kinda interesting, no matter theory or practical. She's kinda like my highschool bio teacher. Has a very serious face, but smirks unobviously giving sarcastic jokes sometimes. Then leaves us on our own for the tests.

She's very strict too.
Ah hell I wish my chemistry improves more with her. Today, so much of study conversations. I'm gonna work harder to nerd and get better.

And for bio,
Like I said, I don't fancy her. But then after knowing how people complained the then permanent lecturer, I was kinda worried.

But hell, I'm gonna attend without judging on people's opinions. To be fair. Like how my classmates don't fancy Jaclyn, but I like her anyway.

Dying dream

I had a dream about me having cancer, speed dying and everything. I know I always wanted to take a shortcut tru life. It's easier than living. Mentally less painful.

However. I'm gonna get uglier and uglier during the treatment process. Oh wow.

....

I'm on the way.

.

I'm used to not find him anymore and I hate it. I'm used to missing him but knowing that doesn't matter to anyone at all and really, I hate it. I don't wanna get used to all that. I don't wanna get used to him like that. I wanna send pictures to him. Telling him what's up with gc, or college, or my dj mates. I wanna tell all, and those losing fats progress and food cravings, but I know those don't matter to him anymore, so might as well shut up? I saved pictures. So maybe when one day I'm no longer considered "annoying", I could show him? Maybe I could show him when he has breaks and holidays? Or the next time he asks me out for a simple lunch? He'll love that ginger, I think? She's so adorable.

I just hate that I'm getting used to all these shits. Missing him and not telling him. Wishing he's with me but not telling. Wanting to talk to him but ended up scrolling fb. I hate that he's just someone in my head. It's like he's in this world that I can never ever reach. He's so close but so far away... this doesn't make any sense!

It sucks to be like this, you know?
Whatever.

And I guarantee, he never bothered to read these since a long time ago. I'm just an idiot missing someone that only exists in my head. And it'll remain like this, cuz no one cares! Haha.

Once awhile, I dream of him. A few times, this month. I don't really remember what happened. But one of them was heartbreaking too. He acted the way how he does in reality. What's the point of dreaming then!? It's my dream, it should be a happy one.. it should be the one that he willingly walks forward and hug me. And that must last forever.

I wish I die in those kind of dreams. Stay in that inception. Maybe.

Just die. Cuz there's no point.

.

Recital, without you? Can I say no? I don't wanna go.

I'm taking your place, for now. Woodpecker.
I'll stand where you stood. I do what you did. And I'll think of you. I'll miss you like hell.

You'll come back. You're just gone for awhile. Right?
Maybe next year. Maybe next next year.
I'll wait. Until that one day, I'll be at the seats. And you'll be holding camera again, smiling over there. Making faces. Mouthing me words. Texting from a short distance. And I'll run towards you. And I'll sit with you with your arms around me.

You'll come back.

It's just temporarily without you.
Patience.

Cuz he's worth it.

Day 27 workoutstreak

I'm sorry I actually broke the streak. Supposingly it's 27th day, but that day I was sad. Hahahahahaha what an excuse. Anyways I did more reps as punishment. Also skipped a meal, for eating chips punishment.

In the middle of the workout plan, sometimes there'll be nice food, awesome snacks. Mostly, carbs. I'm eating! They say, you gotta condition that metabolism. Don't deprive cuz if one day you eat something heavy, you cannot take that. It makes sense. So yep. Eating. Of course, with that super(forceful) self control. I don't care how many chocolates are in front of me. These are too fattening.

Treadmill is my good friend now. I play music while I run. But actually. Running is terrible. I'd use songs to distract me. To forget the time. And hope that time flies, and my legs die.

Planks, worse. Especially side planks. It's so hard to extend the time. One minute for a week? That's too weak. 70secs? Left arm dying. Sometimes I wonder, does side plank injure the elbows? Cuz my elbow feels funny. Sometimes I couldnt hold the duration, because the elbow hurts too bad. And I'm like COME ON. FEW MORE SECS. *collapse*

Planking after running can make me look like a person that's crying in the rain. Cuz doing that in my room makes the floor sweat all over. Ew. Ahah

Just now I can't find my cat friend. There's one that's always at the alley. I think it's a she. She's kinda fat, but very soft. The first one who enjoyed my accompany. She wasn't there today. But at the park, the ginger housecat was there. Should be a she too. I saw her from a distance, so I waved. Not expecting any reaction, but she walked towards me, and sat next to me. So adorraaaableee. She has a red collar, but she's frequently at the park. :3 and the first time, she let me touch her head. (Aw.
*dies*

All is well. I don't know if losing fats plan is working. But from the mirror, tonings are getting slightly visible, compared to last month. At least not just flexing on purpose  :3

Keep it up. Don't stop when you're tired. Stop when you're done.

Some line that pops out when I'm giving up.
A face that pops out when I close my eyes.

Aaaaah.
Runningsucksbutyouhavetobecauseitstheeasiestwaytoburnallthatfatsfuckmylifeejustrun$&%*($(#(@#?℉©℉©℉>℉“℉©#$&&#"__:;&%"'

Come on.

.

No, dear, no. It's not about the movies, and the stuff we did outside. It's about you. I love being with you and it doesn't matter where we go or what we do. It's just being with you that makes everything the best.

Do you think I love watching movies so so much? I'm neutral about that, actually. We could stay home. We could just go somewhere and sit close to each other. It's really just you.

Maybe, yes. Who doesn't like movies? Who doesn't like hanging out? But I don't do that a lot. I go out quite often only on form 1. That's because we just graduated, hanging out was kinda a new thing to me. But then after that, no. My friends and I rarely hangout.

I asked that question because I miss you. Not miss going out or having 'fun'. I miss you that's all. Plus that it doesn't completely relate that we could go out. It's just.. when you're free, my phone notifies me more, because of you.

It's the only notification I've been waiting for.
I just wish I mean something to you.

So yeah.

Sad is no excuse

Do you know what's it like to be actually losing fats then some shits turned up, making you at and eat and eat, non stop?

I thought running wasn't effective. I thought it didn't make any difference. I thought hard work from me was all just shit.

My teacher said I'm slimmer than last week. Well thank you. But you know what? After days of dieting, I'm losing it. I'm craving food too badly. Especially today.

I ate one whole fucking pringles. And then at least half pack of oreos. Can you count that calorie? That amount of sugar and carbs?
Fuck all that effort.

Because of being SAD! WHAT THE FUCK.
I ate uncontrollably, said weird shits DURING chemistry class,, and I skipped a day of running!!

Stop being so fucking mood swing.
I've died already. What else matters!? Nothing!
So now I just have to make whatever that's left worth living. I'll have to complete whatever target I set, that could be completed.

That includes living. And in order to do that, I'll have to forget that him. I'll have to forget he used to love me and all. And forget that I still want to fix us.

Targets:
Get good results. Tone well, and make my existence a change to this world.

And to start that, I can't afford to skip anymore runs. Aiming ten rounds.

Just ten!!! if I increase a round each month, then I should be able to reach that by end of the year.

If I increase ten seconds each week, I can do minutes of planking at the end of the year!

Do not fucking stop for someone. Do not fucking stop just because you're sad. Don't get the plan ruined. Don't do that anymore. 

The world won't stop and wait until the sentimental season is over. Because it's never over. I'll be in that state for almost at least fifteen years from now. But that's no reason to take a break. I'll do punishment sets tomorrow.

Punishment that I skipped today.

Yeah. Fuck you.

.

Not running today. Not forcing myself today. What is that you call? When you hold on something tight, you don't let go no matter what Cuz you know it's what you want?
It's called "bullshit".

Hah. Life sucks. Why everyone just wanna enjoy throughout it. There's no such thing. There'llnbe infinity lies, unkept promises, shits, disappointments. And it's all just bullshit.

I skipped workout today. I don't feel like doing anything.
I feel like killing.
I wish it's possible I skip all classes today.
To just be in bed all day. Is that possible?

Who's not tired!? Everyone's tired! But who would do that?
What am I?
I wish I can punch myself until I throw up so I look sick and I can stay home in bed forever.
Seriously, forever.
I wish there's a shortcut to quit life.
What do you do to make yourself suddenly die?
I heard one dying of too much instant noodles.
But that's too slow! Maybe I'll charge my phone and ask someone to call me.
Maybe I'm already on my way to reaper's list.
It'll end soon. Hold on for a little.
Everything will not be alright. It's a fucking lie.

Half a year, it doesn't change shit. Still dying. And worse. Try dying every single day? And the next day waking up to college with a fucking smile.

College mates don't know anything. Boys talk about girls, girls talk about guys. I talk about my him. They don't get how the situation is like. I say 16%, the next day it became 0%. They can't get because my face looks the same whenever I say anything.

One knew I had suicidal thoughts.
Who cares anyway? Who the fuck cares.
No one. So just die! What am I waiting for! Get a fucking knife and slash that wrist. I'll be there in no time. Every pain could stop.
Why not!? But before that, I shall eat some pizza and cry to death.

Fuck everyone in this world. Fuck those bullshit. Fuck those Assholes. Fuck everyone And I actually mean it.

.

I can't breathe. Not exactly can't breathe, actually. I wish the respiratory airway doesn't connect to the mouth. In that case I'd probably die, long ago. Physically.

We're at the infectious diseases chapter. If it's that contagious, come and get me. My immunity probably sucks. Maybe an infection could kill me enough. I'm wondering, do we get to choose to not live in a better way? Like donating anything available. I want to do that.

What am I to ask for another chance. Who am I to ask if he's into another. Nothing. No one.

Dad's gonna wake me up at 6. I need energy. I need to sleep. And I can't look like this.

I rather you to not reply.

Why do we wake up everyday? Why cant the heart automatically shut down when there's too many reasons not to pump? I'm done.

What do you do when you don't wanna live at all because you couldn't forgive yourself. What do you do when fixing is not an option.

What do you do when the lights are on and your sibling comes in chatting happily with you. And you have to walk pass her without her seeing your face. And you have to turn off the lights. And avoid exposing your cracked voice.

What do you do when she thinks you're asleep and you have to pretend that so but you couldn't, cuz you can't breathe.

What do you do. when you're not afraid of the dark anymore, because it's where you hide.
What do you do when you just want to die but you can't, your head just kept telling you, "I can't do this anymore."

What do you do when it's the Middle of the night and you look at the ceiling, you see pitch black, but you see his smile and his pretty eyes staring at you. Saying, he has someone else now.

What do you do if you can't anymore. You can't. At all.
You can't talk to anyone. Because no one can help you.
The only thing you do is beg for it to stop. But you know, it's no use.

Orange's joker

Sorry that I was being negative again. Removed removed removed. I think I removed most of the extremely negative ones?

It just seemed hopeless. But well. I'm training myself not to do that. As in.... complain shits here. I only do that in drafts, mostly.

I'm fucking happy.
I think I should talk abit about my classmates. Well there's a new food friend. Little orange. Such awesome nickname. In our seatings, if I hadn't mentioned, there's the group of Chinese speakers at the left side, and some random mixed language people at the right. So I'm at the right, orange is at the left. Well, how do we get close?

Stick together at the lobby after class, to avoid stalker. And that's how we ended up... allies? I guess. So she told me how she and him are progressing. I guess I'll call him joker.

"Joker seens. Joker is always giving blue ticks because he's just lazy to type. And I'm used to it too."

Well I guess my situation suits that 1000% more.
I was actually sad. A little sad.

But I was wrong. He did reply. He fucking replied. He was just 16 hours late, he was just busy. He did reply. :)  

Do you have any idea how happy you could make a person, with just a simple reply? Like fucking happy.

I literally jumped off from the chair, when it notified With vibration. That familiar yet long gone favorite notification.

I guess that's how I kill myself. Being too happy.

Thank you replying. You just made my day, and my later-sleep a great one. Fucking great.

:D miss you af.

.

They're gonna break up. Eventually.

Fuck.

It's been awhile since the last time I silently said these to couples from tv.

As long as nothing's wrong.
As long as it looks like there's time,
He will not.

It's fucking pointless.
So screw it all yh.

Eat pizza. Eat chips. Enjoy nice food. There's no point!!!

Accept that shit. Stay safe. And screw everyone.

Pumpkin seeds

I'm not letting myself eat a normal portion rice. Mostly having greens and fish and meat. Today there are pumpkins. Mom got me those seeds. Well, internet says pumpkin seeds are kinda fat, but also a great source of protein.

The thing is.
I've not been eating real food for so long, pumpkin seeds are damn fucking awesome. But then I have to peel those stupid coats. And that's a fucking waste of time!!!!

T.T help.

I'm supposed to... study while eating this...

Wood:)

Today I had an awesome training.
:3 😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄

I should stop being happy about it. Seriously.
Good things don't last forever.
Wish I could feel his warmth again.

😁  thank youuuwood

.

You were wrong about us. So it's been zero all this time. He gave up. He gave up. He gave up, leaving you over there. He won't come back anymore. You wanted to do so many changes. You did it for someone who doesn't want you anymore. You did it for nothing.

YH WAKE UP. No matter what you do, the ending will be the same. Friday is not a day for you to feel like THIS. Fridays are for smiling not crying. People sleep better not insomnia and have nightmares. Stop doing this. Stop doing this to yourself. He won't care and will never.
.
There are two sides of me.
Positive side telling me, we have hope.
Negative side telling me, he's not coming back.
And when the harshness comes, negative wins. I die for a couple days, positive overcomes the war. Positive always wins. So why not delete the negative part.

And when harshness comes, I know why. He's just busy. Just stressed out. I don't have to remind him whether I care or not. I don't have to remind him that I'm still waiting. He knows that. So fuck off. Stop bothering him. Wait, means wait. Even if it's half a year. Even if it's three years. You can't cry for three years. You'll disturb the schedule. You're supposed to run of Friday evenings. Don't sit there and cry. Throw away that phone. Turn off that wifi. Don't talk to anyone and you don't have to be sad.

You know that you care and that's all. Don't have to let him know. He's different now. He may used to appreciate that. But now no. So stop. Stop. You need to continue that schedule. And at night you need that energy to stay up and study. With a fucking poker face.

Stop wasting time, it's pre u. You need to do well.
Note to self.
Fridays, turn off wifi, miss him but don't tell anyone. Don't do anything torturous. Don't miss him like fuck. Don't look at the photos and cry.

Fuck off.

Just pretend that there are no one in this planet.
There are no one anyway.
I lost him.
What else matters?

Nothing.
I wish I can talk to someone.
Someone that can actually help the situation.

That someone is him.
I'm supposed to die, last sept.
Guess how much shit I could prevent.

I wish I died last September. Sincerely wish.
Or maybe it's not too late now.
Life is hell. Living is hell.

Day15 workout streak

15 days streak.
So these days I added jogging into the list. I realized my stamina has gone down crazily. Felt really really ugh. So dad wakes me every morning. And every time I'm awake, I have that strong urge to just get back to sleep. How to overcome that?

I'm conscious. I should lay here wasting time. Get up and run. Ok. So I guess it worked. The time I spend struggling gets shorter each day. How bout the run?

We walk there, I have a million shits running in my head. Should I run? I'm so tired. So so fucking tired. How about I go and just do some random workouts? How about I just run one round? How do I overcome this?

I needa lose weight, and one round's almost nothing. So run. How many rounds? I get tired reaching 1.5 rounds. Then, my mind would be Nah I can't do it anymore. My left foot hurts. I'm dying. Ugh. How do I overcome that ?

I run two more rounds, and I'll be stronger than yesterday. Yes just two. So did it, dad be like Hey you improved.

Working out in the park, there are advantages. There's that super firm "bench". I guess we could do bench dips. I've always wanted to do that. But the chairs at home are just.... not reliable? Duno. And then there are the parallel bars. I wanna play with that. But Idk what to do yet. Dad could do pull ups. I wish I could do one. Just oneee.

Other workouts? Plank. Hah the worst of all: left plank. It's not improving yet since day 1. After everything, it's just too tiring to stay in that for a minute. So it remained a minute. And many times, I want to collapse before the time I should. And then I must think, there's few more seconds. Don't stop. I can't improve, but at least don't make myself as bad as yesterday. I'm supposed to improve!
*tadaa one minute*.

It's the most terrible month of my life(physically). Why. Starting is the hardest step. But then, when I successfully started, I have to maintain!! Fuck. Nothing should get into the way. And also the diet part.

Me: Mom can I eat a piece of peanut biscuit?
Mom: Why do you ask me?
Me: No I can't! *leaves sadly*

It's so hard. Ignoring the urge to eat chocolates and chips and MORE RICE, ignoring the thought of "I hate this vege and I'm not eating it", ignoring the urge to STOP running, ignoring the thought of "take a rest, take a rest forever".

Is this how you train that discipline?
I'm tired and I wanna relax. Let me play one round of this game.
No, I should study and I cannot stop UNTIL I'm done.

Dying. This is. Fucking. Torturous. Shit. Aaaaaaaah

Focus.

THIS is that habit I need to change:
Fucked up mood when wake.

I don't know too why am I so pissed.
Maybe I had a bad nap. Slept on the couch with a bad position. Everywhere soring, and I felt like I wasted some precious time that I should've used to study.

And then going to dinner requires 90% waiting, wasting petrol, wasting time, and I'm not even hungry! What the hell am I doing with my life.

Discipline. If I had that better, I'm definitely done with that chapter.

It's not that hard if it's full focus.
Ughh what am I doing..

%^#@&(!)$;;_

.

Overthinking kills.
And today it kills more, I need to talk

Because of that, I even turned on my WA last seen, to see whether my closest friends are asleep.

Yip man slept, all food friends slept,
My classmates too slept.
(I don't think I'll talk to them about it..)
There's just him.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me,
since he's the reason I'm awake.

They say, you cry until dehydrated,
You'll eventually fall asleep and wake up OKAY.

I don't think it works that way cuz when you wake
You wear a smile all day, and when midnight falls
the cycle repeats itself, and you'll hope you die.

Depressions never end.
Time doesn't heal, nothing gets better.

It's been half a year and it only got worse.
The pain doesn't go anywhere. It gets worse
And unbearable.
Only the acting improves.

At the end you could cold laugh to your sister
While tears streaming like fuck.
Hahahhahhahahh like that.

They say they punch to feel manly again.
I used to punch to feel less dead.
Cuz hurting reminds me, tomorrow I still have to live.
So get some rest and be ready for a smile to wear.

He talked to me. And didn't just simply reply for the sake of replying. He read, and replied.
Talking to him still makes everything better.
He's a great person.
People like him makes the world a better place.
He makes the impossible possible.
And his notification turns tears to tears of joy.

Breaking up is still a cruel thing.
I used to only cry in a fight with my sister,
Or parents.
After that I became the mean one.
But now we don't fight at all.
I don't remember any fights.
I only recall, how my terrible mood made me skip meals.
And also spending time in the bed pretending to be asleep,
So everyone would leave me alone.
No more fights, because emotions stay in the bed.
And that's good for everyone.

Thank you for showing up.
I guess I can sleep.

Tomorrow please don't repeat the cycle.

It's scary how easily I could convince myself that there's completely no hope between us.

But the hope comes back. Cycle repeats. Fuck my life

。

啄沒離開過 是我自己搞砸了，他會等我的，他還是疼我的
之前訊息敷衍地回，現在至少能說清楚。
我知道該怎麼做，他也知道 我很想挽回
以前跟現在 是進步了
和家人也好 自己也好

全都怪我 不該沉默時沉默
該勇敢時軟弱 如果不是我
誤會自己灑脫 讓我們難過

他還沒放棄的
我們還有可能

。

你看看 他怎麼對你
再看看你怎麼對他

就看不下去了

要繼續嗎？
折磨自己 作踐自己  不夠嗎
是不是很好玩

半年了
乾脆死掉算了
哈

活著是世界上最痛苦的事啊

時間，趕快讓這一切結束吧

.

He knows what I'm going through.
He just doesn't care.
So sincerely, stop loving him please yh.

If someone loves you, they wouldn't let go that easily. No such thing as impossible. If he cares, he won't let you feel this awful. He won't let you cry every midnight. He won't let you feel like dying.

From now.
I'll put you somewhere behind.
I'll unprioritize you.
I'll unlove you.

.

Yh why can't you give up and move on. He doesn't give shit anymore so fuck it.
Stop having stupid break downs.
Stop getting affected by him.
You wanted to run, so go. 

With this face?
This fucked up mood?

He doesn't even care!!' 

I hate living. It's a paradox. You want to do good. You want to be good. You see how people described relationships. You swear not to be those fucking cheaters. You try your best. You give all your heart. You end up, half dying. Wanting to die but have to live. And you have to smile and not be that emotional shit in daily life. Because, PEOPLE HAVE TO ASK. So you give your biggest smile. You try to save whatever that's left. You try to improve that thing you want to protect. And you continuously get stabbed.

It's fucking perfect.

He said he'll give up if I did betrayal things. I didn't. I swear I didn't. He knows what was going on with me. Why can't he just let it go. Why do a person destroy another like this. Why

Sincerely. I wish I die young.
Young as in maybe tomorrow. Everyday's a good day to die. Right?

Let's end it. End all the pain.

.

I wanna be with him. Lifetime wish.
I screwed it up. There's no turning back.
I wanna improve myself.
I screwed up a few tests. I don't think I can.
I wanna keep whatever he left for me.
I lost all our photos. I broke the gift a while ago. And now I lost the only birthday gift he gave.
I know I'm a terrible gf. I'm a terrible ex.

I can't take good care of stuff. I thought I put it in the little pouch, I keep them safety in my bag everytime I'm done using. And then in my drawer when I get home. I thought I cleaned them up shiny. I thought it well kept. And it's just gone. Definitely fell off from my bag.
I thought I broke my streak,. of breaking earphones. 

It lasted for only a year. Our relationship lasted for 9 months. Your gift only lasted for a year.
Nothing can last, with me.
I thought this could last for years.
I thought we could last a lifetime.

I deserve losing things I love the most.

。

也許因為分手了那麼久，在fb 看到有趣的 不一定只想到你。偶爾發發呆也會想想未來 想想同班同學們 想想親戚 想想自己。當然大多還是想你。但想你會傷心，只好盡量不想。想你一下下就不要想了 馬上做別的事情。

好多話想和你說啊
明天第一次進實驗室了
穿上白袍，感覺很大喔  其實 很怕
怕前兩年的失敗重蹈覆轍
和你說你一定說我笨  畢竟是你的強項啊

都沒和你有小聊的機會 你怎樣了
你過得好嗎 開心嗎 享受嗎
你家人呢 學業呢 朋友方面呢怎樣了
還有跑步嗎 你 Ok嗎  我什麼都不懂

也好多事想和你做
想念陪你 一點點什麼都好
想和你在一起 想看你笑 看你鬧
想聽你的聲音 想你的溫暖
想念你的貼心 想念屬於我的你的心

全都沒了啦

*別哭

都麻木了怎麼會哭。

.

I miss him. Seems like he's really super duper extremely crazily busying and stressing out as fuck. Well I was on fb a little too long. Each video reminds me of him. Each post.

Ah I watched an interesting trailer. "Before I sleep". I thought it was a normal chilling movie! Then it turned out to be horror! *goosebumps*. Thrillers don't always make my hair stand.

I also watched a stupid "relationship goals" video. It's fucking stupid. You know why? The content is like what a person say to the giving-up-partner. And the caption says, tag your other half.  It's fucking depressing.

No no no yh. Get back to your bio textbook.

I have another chapter to rush,, whatamI doinggg ·’“>℉¿>#(@(;#;"

Ugh

No more fb!!
Fucking serious now.

Toning diet

When my classmate was distributing mentos.
I'm like stretching my palm out, then OOPS and pull back in.
"Why?"
Because I'm on toning diet. Ahah.

These days I've been eating so less carbs, it's quite hard to remember when nice food are in front. Like for dinners,, I'd fill up the bowl, then put a little bit back,, then a little bit more back. And then think if I can fulfill the stomach. Usually,,, I can't. Unless there's pumpkin or looooots of vege.

Lmao there was once. The vege was so little. I requested more. So mom cooked an extra big plate of vege, and I took the portion of that I used to take for rice.

Vege is not homework anymore.

What If it's the afternoon and I'm hungry?
An apple could fill well for breakfast.
Two oranges became my snack. :3

Belly fat, please go away. I'm determined enough.

Toning

These days I'm slightly more determined to work on that stomach toning. :3
It's been a week, but then I still hate planking like fucking hell. Sit ups too $$&@(#(@(#;$;" ohgosh I hate it most when sweat goes into the eye.

But heh there's no easy way. Google says you need to workout, reduce carbs and increase vege and fruits. That's not so hard.

So these days I'm eating 1/4 portion of rice that I usually eat. And almost more than half of the vege. Grandma knows well to actually cook more greens. Fish is nice heh. Initially I was actually worried that I couldnt fulfill that appetite. But it's ok.

Breakfast too replaced with fruits. An apple can be so full. But annoying.

I wish the next time he pinches my waist, he notices the difference and say, I lost some chubbiness.

It's gonna be tough month. Wish I don't give up.
Let's do this thing. .

Buuuurrrrrrn the fats.

.

He's mean, but in a cute way
He's fierce, but still can't stop me smiling staring at him
He's hardworking, it's ok a week without him
It's ok even if it's more than a week.
I survived a month without his hugs last year.
The most terrible month in my life.
Wait, maybe not the most.
If one day I see him in her arms,
That'll be most.

I wish she could be me, still
I'm prepared. No I'm not. I will never be.
I made a decision to love you less.
So if that day ever arrives, maybe life is still livable.
Just maybe.

Wish things never went that way.
Wish nothing went wrong
Wish you still love me. 

...
Guess you'll always be my every-year b'd wish.

Updates

I think maybe I'm not that fat. Streak - 3 days. Please don't stop.

Colour switch is not a nice game. I should limit myself. Five wins per day. That should do the trick.

I'm driving better. I can switch lanes faster, and more daring to speed up a bit. Don't imagine me speeding like crazy. My Whole family was complaining about how slow I was. And it sucked. Tomorrow I wish I can drive myself to training.

Chemistry is so hard. Ok.

I miss him.
I want to talk to him. I want to give up, but I don't want to. That side always wins. The side that supports having hope. Maybe it's one percent now. I should stick to the plan. I'll be in love with my bed, and that's all, forever.

But I look at our photos, and say, Look at him. He's still there, just very busy, and far away. He's still with me, just looking like he left. Look at that smile. Remember what he said. They aren't lies. They're real.

Just chill and cry. Hahajk .
Just study. And be prepared to cry. Be prepared to see him in another girl's arms.

Be prepared to die.

The weather's fucking hot these days.
Wish he's doing fine.
Probably stressing out now, doing assignments etc. And I'm here. Crazily missing him.

It's cool being missed. That feeling was awesome.
At least we happened.
Maybe it can change back to present tense.

Who knows.