Fuck u ET, Fuck you.

Today I was bothered with an asshole's message. ET texted me. Ha.
Does it sound disgusting to you?

He claimed I spreaded the news to his friends that he played with my feelings.
Um, hello?? I'm heartless, you think I can be played?

I corrected him. Firstly, I didn't contact "his friends". I riskyly sent a happy birthday gif to Loong, he replied his thank you with a smile. That was really really unexpected. Secondly, after we broke, the only one that contacted me was ahchoo. What I told him, was "we were together, we broke up." But I added. I asked ahchoo to pretend not to know anything, and ask you. If you didn't admit the relationship, means you never took me seriously, means you played me.

So from ET's pretty dumb confession, everything tells me that he never admitted that we were together. I think, when I explained, he realized how dumb he was, bothering to pop up in my fb, to confess that he never admitted. Such an idiot wanting to bash me for fucking up his pride, but the thing is, he fucked up himself. And then, all his words went pointless.

He didn't know what he was saying anymore, repetitively insisting on the fact that I told his friends that he played me. Ha. Hilarious as fuck! He even tried to hope make me think that he never played me, by telling me, we were in "good condition" but I decided to break up even after what he suggested to settle my concern.

Can I fully ruin his reputation now ? When I told him, I don't think we were compatible because I don't like hotel,,,,

He suggested 50% hotel. 50% whatever I decide. Hotel sounds right to him. Disgusting. Let's not talk about that. But as a bf, he decided to give zero efforts on going places, building memories. He expected me to suggest all the places like he's not part of the relationship.
The thing is, when I suggested, he never gave an effort to attend. He ffk me again, and again, and again. Even when I decided to walk away from my college mates' reunion, he decided to say, I'm sorry, movie off tonight, go on with your friends.

Did you think 50% hotel was okay ? Tell your friends where you bring me. Tell all of them, let them interpret themselves. Are you playing me? I never told them about hotel, unless you pop up again, I will expose your disgusting true colours. Thing is, I never decided to ruin your reputation. The most I did, was telling my friends, which are never related to you because they don't even know you. Then you popped up to screw up that little mercy I left for you. Dear asshole, please note that I know every ugly thing you did. Don't piss me off cuz I could've ruin your reputation like there's no tomorrow.

Then he insisted, I don't like hotel, it was fine but why can't I mention it to him, discuss with him.

Hilarious shits can come out from his brain cuz I doubt he has a brain. I did mentioned to you, asshole. I told you, I didn't want our memories to be just hotel. The other day I hinted you more. You said, I sound really fine with hotel. I replied, if I wasn't fine, wouldn't you call it off? If no hotel, are we really still going out? Assholes will be assholes. Please stop talking cuz you really embarrass yourself more as long as you talk! And... You once told me, cinnamon used to confess loads of I love yous to you. You responded to her, confessions are useless, it's the actions that matters.

I told you I hated hotel. I waited chances, actions, of us to date at normal places, places I have the guts to tell my fam about it, places that we can go without hiding, without being stressfull about just going there. Movies, anywhere. You called it off again and again with super good reasons. Reasons that I never had anything to say about it, Loong's health issue, father's day plans, work being ruined due to electricity down.. But one day, you showed your true colours.

I asked you to meet me at starbucks one day, so near to you house, centrepoint... when I had the busiest weekend when I actually told you early handed that we wouldn't have any chance meeting up. I made a chance for us to meet, from all the shits I was going through. You rejected, asked me to go hotel with you instead. Disgusting. The main reason I broke up with you. That rejection means everything. Tells so much about your ugly shit mind. Nothing you said made any sense anymore.

"Starbucks felt stressful to me"
"I couldn't bring you out of the stress there"
"My main point is to have you away from stress for a while"
"I wanted us to be comfortable"

Does that all sound bullshit to you? Oh please.

Ahchoo never came back to me with any information. He probably seen me as a little friend. He realized, ET never admitted that we were in a relationship, ET played me. He didn't want me to know. So I thought, hah. I will never know. But thanks to you popping up,
I know.

Thanks for showing me how disgusting a person can be. I was really in a super rational state, to be able to move on from my first love, then clearly seeing your intentions after careful analysis.

You really taught me a lot. You were the one that planted this rationality in my head. You helped me to move on easily. And to never trust. Just that, I never did expect, the one I should never trust, was you.

Discussing with you would never work. Since you rejected any of my suggestions about normal activities, like you said, it's the actions that matters. Yes you spent all the money coming up to find me. For sex? Think about it. Your actions tells everything indeed. How ugly. Don't say that we were in good conditions. Good conditions because I was waiting for the actions. Two months was enough to show that you never gave a shit about what I think. We weren't compatible, because once together, you became a monster who only wants to fuck. So fuck off then. Yeah, if you never admitted we were even together, why should I? Let's just pretend that we were never together, saves a nicer past for me. Having such disgusting person as my ex flips my stomach anyway. Know that you're the most disgusting idiot who disgraces the name of all 28 yr old males. Reflect on yourself, rot in hell.

Funny how alert I am on Loong's day.

I think I'm released from everything, everyone. Moved on from ET playing with me, my first love distrusting me, losing Loong squad. Life will be shitty, true friends will stay. If they trust shit people spreading bad rumours bout you, they aren't your real friends.
And it's okay...

To me, I think expressing yourself is a dangerous thing.
You were hurt.

Well, everyone was hurt. The cheaters who enjoys playing with your heart. The idiots who can't seem to trust. They all were hurt. It's nobody's fault, it's just how we adapt. We fall, we adapt, we change. I'm not that negative you see. Reality is ugly, we just gotta accept that, then you'll be happy.

My pimples are ugly. I can't accept that. Lol

I had a dream where crisp called me to invite me to badminton this sunday. He said, everyone would be here, ET, the guys from sg, everyone.

I asked him, are you sure ? Did you know anything about what happened between me and ET? He said he knows, but it's okay. What ??? He said, I'm not giving face because of my hesitation.

How can I not hesitate anyway. I was thinking, thinking, at the end I woke up.

Haha. Luckily I woke up. Such a tough decision.

Midnight kills people as always.
Scary how life can change someone from an unrealistic fantasy dream chaser, into.... I don't even know what I am.

Recently I found lews frequently texting me. We talked a lot of of random shits. I gave him hints about how much I'm enjoying life of my own, without commitment to someone fake. He's careful tho. I'm not risking it, not talking about much of the past, while he doesn't ask, even tho sounded super curious. Life is a bitch. The past didn't have to be mentioned for him to sense my exhaustion lmao.

I sometimes feel like I'm spreading negativity. Not actually negativity, just reality which sounds negative. Man, it was so very wrong to do that.

Remember that telling people about how you feel, is the Most dangerous thing in your life. They extract your weakness, and come at you. Best friend or friend, or anyone, they'd eat you alive, play with you. So never tell. My weakness is speaking too much after a point, when drinking. Guess I have to up my tolerance.

Ohhh yes I remember. Just a week after that day, you popped up with the sentence, "Ask yourself, who you've kissed." The weirdest fucking sentence ever.

Listen. If you can't trust me at all, why bother me in any ways? I still remember how fucking annoying it was when you accused me that I love moon so fucking much. Haha. Hilarious. So you're telling me who I love when I don't even love anyone. You never change, is it? The thing is, if you're so scared that I'm falling for other guys, why didn't you ever try to win mine over them? Asshole. So one day if your girl doesn't text you, are you gonna accuse her for loving her best friend? Her cousin? Fuck you!

Oh my. I can't believe I woke up from a nap and all I could think is how unreasonable our misunderstandings can get. He really did thought I cheated on him for ET. Holy fuck. An asshole couldn't see his own problems.

Here's the thing. This is what you fucktard boys do. If your girl couldn't satisfy you, you go out there and find another one to satisfy you. This is what you did. Knowing someone I never knew existed, then go for her, then having stupid overthinking just because you're the one having such thoughts. I can't believe it. Know that I never fucking lied. Unlike you, out there fucking other girls, then come back claiming "I was wrong I love you guve me a motherfucking chance I'll chang
Just fuck off

No, no, don't bother. Remember? Moving on is my new talent. I need ET's wise shits. He'd say, alcohol is temporary. Chillax. He'd say, if I'm so pissed over this issue, it means I'm not over him. He'd say, why are you so mad? You asked for it.

No I didn't ask for it. Maybe next time I can't talk to shandy anymore. She gives me the shittiest news. But it's not her fault. If I were smarter I would've figured it out anyway. Since fucktard could think I'm in love with my cousin. Since fucktard insisted on I love moon. I only asked shandy to show me his current life. He seems happily moving on with her. That doesn't make me feel anything. But knowing what he misunderstood, fires me up. The fuck. What does that even mean. Means dear ET, no you're wrong. I moved on. It's just I'm super irritated by his arrogance. How can someone insist stuff like that???????????? Chill. Calm down. Be glad I broke. Be fucking glad.

So I just got updated. I'm shook. Completely. Let me tell you a hilarious story.

He thought I cheated on him for ET. The end. HAHAHAH. Oh god, how dumb can you be. Have you ever seen little kids crying about how immature the adults are? Ew.

If he's making up a story to make shandy thinks that he isn't an ass, I'd understand that. Alright, friend. Just because I decided to cut contact, doesn't mean you can easily build a bad image of me to your friends and fam. People who know me, know that I'm not a cheater. Maybe for games yes. But for people? Hah.

We tend to do the things we're afraid of people doing. I can see why you were so scared of me communicating with any male, you were scared of me cheating on you, because that was what you would do. Now I seriously doubt your past. I used to judge your exes, now I think, maybe the "reasons" you broke up were just reasons you assumed. Your ex cheated on you? Bullfuck. You think I cheated on you for ET? Holy cow. I'm shook. How crazy can your imagination be?

Girls and guys this is what happens when you play mind games with your partner. The true story is, as a friend, ET helped me to become a person who's extremely realistic and rational. He helped me to move on from you, fucking toxic. And then, you, you can't accept my change. Hah. You think I changed because of you? I changed to almost a fucking corpse, and ET pulled me out of the grave. Why, I broke up with you and never showed any sign of depression. Does that upset you? So that's why you made me sound like a fucking slut. Hah. Well, were you expecting me to be all depressed and suicidal all over again? In your wonderful dreams. I'm so disgusted. I took less time to overcome it, because I've changed. And if you can't accept that, I'm so sorry for your narrow ass degenerating mind, but that has nothing to do with me, cheating. I don't cheat. I cheat for pokemon go. I peek yyin's titas paper. But I don't cheat on feelings. I don't play mindgames. If I have the fucking balls to inform you about the existence of every single close guy friend I have to you, narrow minded fucktard, why don't you realize how much effort I put on to make sure you fully understand my life, to wipe off your stupid concerns? Why don't you see that I'm telling you this stupid idiot who's so fucking insecured! I told you about ET and this is what you assumed?

I pity your new girl. Status or not. I'm going to maintain Dean list. I will go to the award ceremony next year, and I'll see you on your graduation. The most disgusting asshole.

I'm so sorry. Wait, I'm not. I thought, to people, it looked like Imma slut. What people would see is I was with another guy, my guy bestie, this fast after breaking up. I can't believe that includes you. I have zero doubt, that you will end up alone. This attitude. Ha. Even without your disgusting actions, no one can stand your temper. You can go on and on, change, change one by one, each of them will leave you. Then you run out of disgusting stories for them. I doubt you'd remember which stories belongs to which girl. Disgusting.

We think we know someone, we actually don't. We never will. What you told shandy amazed me most. I thought ET would make up ugly stories about me to explain our breakup. At the end, I guess I was wrong. He never even admitted we were together. And you? Even worse. Even worse.

Guys are disgusting, nevrr trust. Never. You know them for years? Pft. You don't. You never know what they did behind your back. I hope you post more photos. Post, then remove. Post, then remove. The cycle repeats, to the point you'd rot in hell.

He could've known better. Why? Do I look like I'd cheat on you? Does my actions proved nothing? Can't you see what I tried to do. I wanted the best for us. I leave you, for the best, because obviously your attitude shows how much you couldn't stand me anymore. Then I became the cheater? You fucking asshole. Holy.

Why would I make an effort to try communicating with you despite your fucked up temper? Why would I tell you about ET if I cheated on you? If we were going fine and well, I wouldn't even be so fucked up that I had to find ET for help. Do you know what I told him? I was scared of losing you, and you thought I cheated? Does my actions seem not sincere at all? Do I looked like I was playing with you? I thought I looked like I played ET. woah, life is such a fuck up.

I'm so confused.

Yes,, yes I did pulled back a little when we got back together. What do you expect? You were an ass for the first time, what did you expected?? I still gave it a try. I can't believe you're the only person I gave my whole heart to, and you thought I was playing with you. Do I look like a joke to you? Douche. Yeah. Just pretend that I was playing. Disgusting people. Eye opener.

When we're younger we often hear oooh this cousin broke up with the girlfriend and recently he's so emo he got skinny. Or maybe, seeing so many classmates, schoolmates getting together then separating for duno what reason.

As we grow, we see the stories behind.

We listen about our best friends getting a bf, the closest ones, the close friends that their entire family knows your name and allows us to spend time boundaryless. Then you know, they get weird boyfriends. Being a third wheel of married couples, being... Dumped to go after for, etc etc. We listen to stories about these guys dating people who already has a gf, even getting married soon. We hear things about married guy friend tangling up to girls from thai clubs, vietnam clubs. We don't even know if those are really a girl, or just.... A freaking pondan. We hear about girls initiating sex then regretting because the guy didn't have feelings. We hear about girls making your close guy friend crazily attached by using nudes. Girl that went with a guy who has a wife which had an affair with some other guy.

So much shits. Everything that has to do with fucking. Guys want to fuck. Girls, idk what girls want. Many want different things. Some wants money, some just wants a solid shoulder, a true friend. I don't know. So many stories, disgusts me, but usually hilarious cuz holy can you see how immature they act.

The thing is, I never feel surprised listening about these anymore. I laughed it off, and start my evil judgemental judgements. Thanks to someone who put me into a situation like that.

Physio and TCM peeps are back from their three week break. Now, I'm surrounded by his spies, I feel a little uneasy. I feel like I could walk a few steps and accidentally bump into him himself. Let's just pretend I've never been with ET, we should be mutual, anyway. But him? That can never be done. Mad love is irreversible. I realized.. he can do anything. He can go for other girls, I'm gonna be mad, but I always let go. The things he did, it's okay. I spoiled him. I can be super pissed for a solid week. I can be broken for a couple days. I'd say, it doesn't matter. Yes it doesn't matter. Moving on is my new talent. But then, I'll never stop wondering. Wondering how did his life went, wondering what exactly is the reason we split paths, while these are something that I'll never try to look for answers.

I'm gonna say, I learned a lot from this guy. I've become a little heartless. I've become a different person. I can't trust people. I doubt every fucking person. I assume that all guys have initial shitty thoughts. I don't put my heart onto anyone. Guess this is how I survived ET, how I rationally removed myself from the guy. I'm a meanie. I was guilty for one solid day. And its done.

But when it comes to him, I'll always unintentionally be dumber. I trust, I die. Haha. Funny. Or maybe loving someone is supposed to be like that ? Hopefully not. I'd stay single forever if that's what it takes. HAHA. Dieeee.

I went out with zien just now. Holy shit. I honestly think he's like one of the most innocent ones.

We really can't judge by the looks. Some people are obviously fucking innocent, example yip man who freaks over every little thing. Too cute. Gonna say that arrogant is also pretty damn innocent, even tho he doesn't look that innocent. But then, yeah his reaction tells all. And this BBTEI senior, definitely innocent, but reminds me of arrogant, which doesn't look innocent.

I realized I'm selectively different. I'm super talkative and open to most of my old close friends, but new ones... I'm not like that anymore. I share my tiny bit of pasts to certain people only. Like when they share theirs, meanwhile being emo. Emo is a disease. Has to be helped by thse kinds of talk. In a way, I'd talk about the dark shits I've went tru, to help this whoever. Lmao.

But then to others who aren't depressed and insane, it's not like I'm not talkative. Still talkative, but in a totally different way. Example: this guy. Zien. Gosh I should find a better nickname for him. Should.

If you heard a boy asking a girl out for a movie given the reason: a losing punishment from world cup gamble, would you buy it? I mean. Come on. It's cute if it's a made up story just to ask someone out. But then, I know most guys are monsters. Then, a duo photo in front of the cinema as proof. It's super cute.

I like knowing new people, but I don't wanna seem desperate, I don't wanna be overtalkative to make people misunderstood. So friendships are gonna remain friendships. I don't want new complications. Honestly, for such an innocent person, it's gonna be easy to spot whether the guy has intentions or not. But I don't see us going anywhere. Look at the distance and it shows all. I never thought we'd have any chance of having movies or meals together. So little time left, and we're just getting close. I mean. Not close, just nice to talk to. It's not everyday you find someone to talk about everything random shit. Since we mutually don't mention much about our personal life.

Sometimes I think, it's so nice to hang out with younger peeps too. Even tho, it makes me feel old. I feel older than a senior, wtf. Hopefully this feeling goes away. Whatever happened last year, I'm gonna maintain the good outcomes, mindsets, meanwhile delete the memories. I've been in bad shape. ET Loong squad led me a happier direction, then they left. It's okay, necessary and nothing to make a fuss for. There are innocent people in this world. Just don't trust easily, and we'll be fine.

Gosh I wish exam ends right away so I can sleep daily 24hrs.

Girls, guys

People are gonna talk shit about me if they listen to my summary of my recent life.

Yes I broke up with a guy who never considered me as his gf about 10days ago, then went out with a guy one on one at SS15 just to drink and chit chat about 3 days after that, then today I went out with another guy at 12.30am for food. Meanwhile, still had times reminiscing some times with my first ever ex.

Sometimes I really think it's not my fault. At least I don't think they're having intentions. If they're after me, I'd use my best talent of rejection. Alone is too good. Sometimes I really wanted to hang out with the girls. But they're so..... Stubborn on the isolation part. Wtf. Seductive plan didn't work. I tried to ask the Ipoh girls out for dinner but they said no. Girls... So hard to ask them out. I'm not even gay.

So this guy, zien. Asked me out for a movie. I think he wasn't joking about the bet. I mean, think about it. They gambled during world cup finals, and he said he lost the bet so he had to fulfill a task, which is asking a girl out to a movie. Honestly it would be cute if it's a made up story to ask me out, hahahahaaha. But today's supper talk made me think it sounds truthful. Hmmm. Wait let me pls remember, trust no one.

Sometimes I feel like I was played the same way shandy was played, just that ET called me "gf", probably just in front of me and only me. While that guy didn't even give shandy that position. Honestly it's better for her case. If I was 20% more dumber, I wouldn't have made the decision to end all this shit. I was completely NOT blinded. That's when the manipulative talk didn't work at all.

Life is good. I'm not playing anyone.
She said, a date and a hangout has its differences. Date includes making out. Hangouts are pure friendship going into a same activity for fun. It's nothing wrong hanging out with guys, since girls are so....... Unapproachable. Haih. Girls why girls.

I'm glad to know this senior. Crazy dude. We can probably be good friends if we're same age, in the same batch. Life.

Everytime I bathe, I wash sooooo thoroughly, every bit, scrubbed like hell. Idk, and idc who's reading this. Blogwalkers, stalkers, girls, please give them a punch and tell them to fuck off, if they ever try to touch you. No matter what cock they try to manipulate you, when you clear your mind you would hear a voice.

Look at him, he doesn't even know what he's saying anymore. He just wants to get into your pants.

The most emotionless breakup, exists. Why? Because there's no love. Manipulative people are scary. ET is that kind of people. My first wasn't. I was dumb enough. But ET, he was my friend, at least I thought he was. Getting played by your friend. How's that. Is that so fun? You go around, telling lies.

The one who shaped me into the current me. Haha. A year ago I was still fucked up. Having no damn will to live. The one that pulled me out of all that shit, now doing this. It's unbelievable. If he never even considered me as his ex, I guess he was never mine too. Such a fuckedup guy. Sorry I had to rant. Why exactly??

My ex pulled me out from being a fucking failed student. Motivated me to improve so much in studies, in badminton. At the end, became an ass.
ET helped me to get over it. It took a long time, but it worked. I became happier. My thinking's changed. Everything changed. Then he himself became an ass.

They just had to be the good guy to earn your trust, then flip it. Isn't it ? I'm pissed. For days, I've been wasting so much time. He's not worth it, why so fed up for days ? He shouldn't affect me that much. I'm way better than this. Oh gosh. Fml

Have you ever been so mad, you just.. sit there and do nothing all day? And when you think of it you just wanna throw all the photos, delete every fucking thing, then doubt the entire squad. Your brother, is this kind of person. Isnt it disgusting?

Noticed the different content in my fb?
I remember seeing pooh in such a long time, we had tiny catch ups. She said she thinks I'm happier based on my fb contents. Full of furry animals, full of food, student struggle jokes etc. Yes, because we don't need emo shits, that kind of negatively in our life. But then again, it's not exactly true. What I post doesn't tell much about whether I'm happy or not. I share things when I'm mentally exhausted, frustrated, empty, or just feeling like looking at nice food. It's just super random.

When I asked ahchoo to ask the boys what happened to us, I did mentioned, I wanted to know whether I've dated a guy who was serious, or an ass. Up to now, he didn't text me back. I'm pretty sure a different story was told. In conclusion, I dated an ass.

I found myself talking good things about my first love. Mostly good things, whenever they asked. People do ask. Well, he was in my life for solid four years.

I thought I dated an idiot. I only knew he was an ass after the breakup. Honestly, I am thankful that he didn't let me notice anything abt his shittiness. I was mad for a while. But I'm over it now.

She said, does it matter?
Yes it does. Don't you wanna know whether you dated an ass?

My first love gave me a good time. He was an ass, but maybe he did loved me. He did proved it from his actions. Things are over anyway, why make a fuss? Forgive and forget, so you can move on isn't it ? At least I have to know. Was ET an ass ? Ahchoo didn't get back to me. So was he an ass? The entire squad can boycot me. At the end it'll all go back to the original point, where I had Moon as a bestie, none of the rest. I learnt from the squad, no matter what it's still a gain.

Are you playing today or you have tests again?

Did you know I was uninvited? Officially, intentionally uninvited.
Ask your brother, why is yh uninvited.
If they tell you the true story, I'd be surprised. I doubt he'd tell the true story. Unless, he tells just a tiny part. Whatever. Why do I care?

But it seems nice because of what I actually care was just my own little reputation. In other words, I'm just self centered. Haha.

But to know about what story he gives, tells a lot about him. From that I could know whether I dated an asshole or a man with hobbies that made us incompatible.

Should I even know ? Does it matter honestly?

It doesn't.

Recently I've gotten better at falling down, tripping over nothing. I think I hit my tibia a couple times within a month already. I'm not gonna be surprised if I break my right leg. It's bled, got swollen, almost healed and the shit process repeated. I'm sorry, leg. Have I been tiredly, heartlessly living? Idk.

One of my training mates sc me, you guys broke up? In all of sudden. This sentence.
I know he's talking about my first ex. That's the only one he knew. Something tells me, I've started to forget the bad parts of what he did. The remaining memories changed, the good ones are left. Those that I can smile reminiscing. Valentine had a hard time, so I shared the story. Yes, good times happened, bad times happened, we lived we suffered, we got through them all, we forgive and forget. At the end, a clean cut is a must. They say, first love is always mad love, blinded and whole hearted. A clean cut is to ensure, no matter how curious I get, I'll not allow myself to try to peek into his life, I'll not have any chance to look back. Bittersweet memories are meant to be history, then be it.

But this one texted me something. Tells me that he had someone new updated in his profile, that, which shocked my little training mate. Don't ask me why do I think so much. Don't ask me how do I relate. Like arrogant says, it's my nature.

Valentine said, he can't bear with the thought she'd become a stranger. Can't accept losing a lover and a friend at the same time. Sounded like me eh? Bad bad. Bad idea.

Mad love, then what? It's either suicide, or... Unable to love anymore?

I've been showing my sister pictures of that day when I went clubbing. Makes me think of the initial plan of going to clubbing the first time on my 21th birthday, with the bunch of alcoholics. I know. The moment I decided to end anything with ET, it's all over. Sunday badminton with that bunch is done, is over. Any bit of lasting friendship with Loong is over. I know. It's maybe over since a long time ago. I don't know. I don't know, actually. But it's life, isn't it.

My first ex, my second ex. They both, taught me that the world is fucking cruel. And to live is to never have faith. Love is like a misunderstanding. Like it's nothing. Idk. I remember I had that extremely painful feeling in my chest for months my first love broke up with me. I never have it for a long long time. You know the shit is real when physically it's not even supposed to hurt.

If it happened days ago, I know I'd sit there and be sentimental about losing ET and Loong squad. Unlike, smiling it off, only thinking about it a little when I went out to drink.

I went out to drink with Valentine last night. I got home at 4am. It was just little bally at Subang. Sentimental place. Memories. It was on purpose. We never had a closure. Up to now, ET never replied. He once said, if my ex layed hands on me, he and the squad will never ever let him get away with it. Haha.

Things that end..

That is a good mouse. It's a gaming mouse, did you know that?
Nope. It's.... a gift.

I wonder how do exes feel about their wasted efforts. So I've been an ex to two. My first, my second. I'm content about the first. I put my heart into everything, honestly, him at first place. I believe he did loved me. Unlike how ET imagined. ET always thought lowly about him. I never argued, because what's the point to defend a person from the past? There was no point. But he always knew what I needed, physically. He knew what I needed but was too cheapskate to fulfill them by myself. So he did it for me. The mouse, the earphones, badminton equipments. Let's not relate them to money. I never allowed him to pay for me, and he was fine with it. He was a good bf to me. But I don't miss him of course now ew. Wouldn't it be nice to remember the good parts? But with ET, I'm sorry to say.... Idk what I have to remember. There are no such memories. Nothing presentable. If one day we accidentally got married, gosh, we must be troubling due to NO photos at all. What relationship. That's not what I want, I guess. Haha. I mean, I know.

I wonder what's he gonna say to his brothers. Some breakup reasons are too private, to the point where it's ruining your image if it's been told. But it's not exactly something to be ashamed of. I think, if someone asks why did we broke up? I'd say, it's a combination of age gap and LDR.

I've been texting a lot of new people, I know it seems wrong. But it wasn't actually... meant to.

Valentine started to tell me about his personal life stuff, I find it sad. I find it interesting, but at the same time he's a nice friend to talk to. Includes all the jokes and serious deep talks, probably because we only text at midnight? I got a ride from him back home today. It's nice.

Zien the biotech senior. Uhm. Did I mention this guy before? He's a tall guy. Very tall. My sister's age, and oh my the way he talks.... I feel like a fool, needing loads of explanation just cuz he can read my confused expression. It happened that we met during an award ceremony last semester. He didn't know anyone from my class, just me. So I was like a medium for him to announce little things. That led further somewhere. Interesting conversation friend. He's super weird, actually.

It's no big deal.
When did I ever learn, that most of the stuff that happened is no big deal. I talked to arrogant. He's mad. But oh well, we were so good at friendzoning each other, he'd text me for advices when it comes to girls, or what he did. Lmao. And it's fun.

Idk what initially I was supposed to write abt but whatever. I've been thinking... it might seems like I'm playing with ET. Or if the inner story is out, it might seems like he's playing with me. Of course the stories won't be out. I'll be the bad girl, using him as a rebound, forgetting about my first love.

I'm going to drink tonight, doesn't matter even if I couldnt finish my report. For ET, there's no closure. My last words towards him was... Are we in good terms? He never seen my message. I'm pretty sure he deleted my contact, made his entire group diss me for good. Maybe Loong thinks the same.

Are you sad?
I'm fine.

Couldn't say that it was a reckless move, accepting him into my life. Couldn't say I wasn't thinking straight. I will never regret my choices. Our relationship is funny. From the moment I accepted him, we only had weekends together. One day from each possible weekend. He could make all the efforts, spend loads of money to come all the way to me. That's the most he can do for me, what to do? He's a working man, and since we have such a distance... For me? There's nothing I can do. I'm a student. I've lied enough throughout all these time spending with the alcoholics. I never realized how unhealthy this part was. If I lied hanging out with them as friends, why didn't I expect the lying to continue as a couple? It was the same. So it's my fault, should've expected that. Spending with older people means doing stuff older people likes. And for me, it's stressful. I go out to release stress, but the way I go is stressful. So what's the point, actually? He made efforts, yes. How about me? There's no way I could've made efforts. To me, a partner is about mentally supporting each other. He doesn't seem to need my support on that. Idk what he's up to. Idk what to ask. The only thing I can do is treat him like a king whenever he's back. And that's really wrong for me. This relationship could never work.

Uncle is good.
I never expected you to say that.
You're 23, not even that uncle. They call you an uncle just cuz they never spent time with actual uncles. What to do? This is life isn't it. Even pineapple wasn't making any fuss. I thought she'd be like told you you should've think clearly before you make the move. But she didn't. She understands. It's like we didn't need many words. A few sentences, and she's like cool, good to know that you're fine and that's all that matters. Best friends know when you're hurt. And this time, haha.

Are you sad?
I'm not sad. I'm going to drink tonight. If I cry, I'm sad. I don't even know myself anymore. But I think I'm having mixed feelings. Indescribable. Just like that. That's not sad. Valentine's sad.

If you ask me, what are you gonna do if ET comes back?
I'd say he's not gonna come back.
What about my first love?
Honestly, from my recent mindset, I'm afraid I might actually fall for his trap again. But then again, I've blocked every possibility of him coming back.

Not gonna happen!

I find myself really tempting to drink my one and only can of beer in my room. Grabbed it, put it back, play with it, no I don't need beer..

I think maybe LDR saved me. He's not the kind of person I can be with.. meeting once in two weeks... So less than three months, basically we had been together for just six days? Plus the days before he left... Maybe just accumulatively 2 weeks. I find it scary I'm still thinking about him, all the stuff. Three months, and meeting for less thar 1/8 the times, and I'm thinking about him. Never really had any chances to had phone calls or skype just because he has no stable connection... We had no stable connection.

If we met more than just two days.... I could imagine how bad the damage can get. I'm not attached because I'm not allowed to be attached. We don't meet much because we were forced to be apart. Maybe I'm not as heartless. Hopeless situations calls for hopeless measures. What to do? I've been trying. He'd been trying. At least I know it's not going right, and stop it before he wastes more money on this pointless travels.

Okay they aren't pointless.
But I'm stressed. There are different ways.  So what he did became pointless.

Haih, what to do?

Most of my friends when they see me after a long time, they give the same comment: you look happier.

But am I really actually happier? Why? To be honest, I had the happiest times of my life with my first ex. I had the best and the worst.

I'm happy after I ended that toxic relationship, and not actually because of the new one I dived into after that. It just happened to be occurring at the same time, isn't it?

Dating ET honestly was a little bit stressful. Not the type of stress my first guy gave.. I enjoyed the times, but I would strongly prefer to enjoy them a different way. Sometimes I question myself why did I accept him. Sometimes I question myself, am I right to end it ? I don't think he has strong feelings for me. I don't think I have strong feelings for him. It seems a little weird. It doesn't seem right. Maybe I can't love him like how I used to love. But I believe he's the same. He had some pasts. I only had one ex before him. It it's enough to make me this way, it's way enough to make him this way too. Gosh. But is it right?

Why am I like this? Maybe it's purely just because we didn't spend enough time together. Feelings won't be strong. Yeah. Gosh. LDR doesn't work. Nope. It's fucking meaningless cuz this little screen doesn't do good to us.

I made my decision to end our relationship, just because, it's incompatible. Seems like we're not looking for the right partner and doing the right activities.

If you ask me.

As I sworn never to call him wood anymore,
I loved my ex, fully, madly. To a point I could've died when shits went wrong. I was abusive, not to him but to myself. I was stubborn, but when with him I'd go whatever way he goes. It's that scary. I was attached, clingy, I was fully transparent. While he walked away.

I moved on. I heard advices, I digested them all, I learned. I had a new changed mindset from a friend I trust the most. To my ex, he said it's a negative mindset. But to me, it's reality, the ugly truth that once you accept, you win in life. I think, I accepted it. I got with ET. Yes. There's nothing else to hide. But do I love him? I love him as a friend. I like spending time with him and his bunch of friends. He once lectured me about being all shitty for me having fucked up emotions for my ex. He was harsh, but necessary. So I accepted. People say it's best falling in love with your best friend. But you never know.

I lost my best friend, like this. Haha. Such an idiot eh? Like I expected. They're a bunch of temporary people, meant for me to learn something. I've learnt a lot from my ex. Learned that such assholes exist in this world. I could be played, I could be used. Then at the end, from ET squad, life still goes on. Sounds easy eh? When shits happened to you, it's not that easy. Life goes on, if you love yourself enough. everything's temporary, but that can't hurt you. If you reached that state, congratulations, you're officially a heartless person, and no one can hurt you.

She said, you ok?
I'm fine.
He's right that I love badminton more than him. Badminton is always the first priority. Afterall, badminton's the one that brought me to my ex, to moon, to ET, to basically everyone (almost) that matters in my life. What to do? Decisions' been made.

Move on. There, I regain my freedom. My stress free life. I don't even care about a drinking squad. Who says I don't have any squad. Valentine's my new squad. He's so sad. We'd have a great time.

Make a change?

Recently I feel like I've been making different people feel good or bad. Or idk. I've said mean things to the malay girl from titas group. Don't diss me, she was unreasonable, she deserves to feel ashamed of her actions lmao.

I hope I've made valentine felt good. I think I've mentioned this guy before. Friendly dude, I can't believe he's actually a different guy when we had more conversations. Omg.

I felt like I'm talking to the old me!!! The me that died like.... Last year, mid of 2017. Omg. I died. Yes. The shitty me died. I think la, at least. The current me is just so heartless. He's so.... Sad! I'm sad for him. I tried so hard to think. What did ET told me, to make me killed off that old me? What did he told me??? I can't remember. He made me heartless? Did he? Or... He made me accepted the real world...

Yeah that's what.

Valentine said I'm good with words. Haha wait til he talks to ET. Counselling intended. I'm not good with words. I empathize him. I've been there, and I know how it's like to be so alone, having suicidal thoughts. I know I wasn't alone. I have my lovely cute yipman to text with. But I felt like burdening her, so I'd talk more to blog, which doesn't help at all. Lmao. So I told the guy, pls DON'T feel burdened cuz I'm a mean person so if I really feel annoyed I wouldn't reply more than three words.

Oh gosh. I feel like I have some urge to bring him back to life haaha.

I had such a great day with the ipoh girls. We had a study date, unplanned. It was supposed to be a "satisfy craving date" but somehow Texas chicken was (fortunately) located just next to tealive. We hogged a spot for hours and it was sooooo good. Studied. And.... I actually have this idea.

There are so many stalls selling pearl milkteas. It'd be great it they have alcohol in it. It'd be great if there are stalls particularly just selling cocktails, or... Customized cocktails from customers preferences! How cool would that be! The Ipoh girls are kinda snapped and gosh wr have such urge why not let's start up such business? It's new anyway. Do you see such stalls anyway? So cool and new. It would do great. Gosh.

So. Many things happened this weekend. More like since last week I finally started to be anxious abt titas group assignment. There were so many issues that got me fucked up.

A group of 10, 6 presenters, 4 editors. Me as an editor plus group leader. We're supposed to find an appropriate movie then present a summary and extraction of a few stupid elements related to titas. The plan was fucking perfect, but it was my bad. I did a good job pressuring each presenters so they handed in their videos in a deadline I demanded. Then, I was the one procrastinating thanks to how unprepared I was for our BCH test. So kitty finished her editing before me and chinny. It's the worst ever decision to have let her done first. She used the best method to insert a video into another video, but then used the most fucking long and troublesome method to add subs. Wtf. Thanks to her clumsiness of breaking her phone, we couldn't reach her to ask her more detailed abt how to do subs(had to make all the videos universal). Seven hours of investigation and frustration, she came back alive. Fucking hell. I'm pissed. Honestly. No it's not her fault she did it first. She discovered kinemaster app, which is like the only app needed for all the editing. But then she then switched apps, convert this and that, which is totally unnecessary.

However her method ended up with manually turned on subs. It looked fucking professional. But then after adding subs, it's a totally different file. We can't use kinemaster anymore because the app doesn't support the subbed file. I passed the job to the boy, and he fucked up all the subs, which I already expected. Fucking hell. And then spent four hours to RE ADD THE SUBS, sacrificing sleep then not able to study at all.

I almost got sick. But I didn't. Thanks to the controlled alcohol consumption, my immunity is still good, and I didn't even eat veggies. Woohoo. I'm good. But I'm not that good. I did fucked BCH test2. I did badly for test1, sworn to be hardworking for test 2 but still fucked it. Ha. Thanks to titas.. fucking shit. And some of the questions were just fucked just because I didn't notice some words. Which I'm pretty sure I'd notice them if I have just a little bit more of sleep.

I can't believe I didn't bring my sports shorts to inti. So I'm stuck here a week without badminton. He is right, he is right. Badminton is more important that anyone. Yes, people come and go, but badminton is different. It's the only thing that stays. I can foresee a break, actually. Idk. I don't have confident. I don't think I'm what he's looking for. I think he misses cinnamon so much that he's trying to make me her. I'm not her. Fuck why am I saying things like that.

I went for a dinner after my oddly satisfying short nap, then went to the hall. Holy shit it was so deserted. If I brought my pants I'd go. Ish.

How'd they see me ? You don't ask me. Your friends never seen me as a friend, only you did. Your friends seen me as a girl who plays badminton crazily, and they're not wrong. Your friends seen me as the girl who can't drink, but starts to drink at some point and talks bullshit after that. Your friends, are gone. Loong is gone. Others... I'm only close with Moon, but you despise him. You know our friendship is fucked once we move beyond this stage. How'd they see me if we stop? I'd say, we really do have age gap. I can't see the things you expect me to do. I can't see how I can do things with such distance. And cinnamon? Cinnamon is always in the conversation. How the fuck am I supposed to feel. Communication? Communication won't even work. It's stressful as usual. It's stressful but I know I need it. And this stress, is dangerous.

I noticed two things. I used to think I can cope with stress from people. But then that's why I've died so much in my first relationship. It's why he broke up with me for the first time. That's also why I rejected moon isn't it? Yes it is. He was attached and I was pressured from that. I wasn't even ready. Yes I rejected him because of that. My second break up wasn't because of stress. It's just completely pointless already since peaceful conversation can't be achieved. That was nothing, that's a must.
From this, it's obvious enough, I want peace and no stress.

The current life I have is not that pressuring. It's not pressured to the point that I die so much like in the past. Cuz I'm not attached. I don't depend on him. I don't depend on anyone. Like I say, badminton is still first priority. Me should be priority. I know it sounds selfish. But maybe I'll do that. Something life taught me. So if you have a problem with that... It's yours to worry. Isn't it ? Yeah. Why stress.

Today songrass asked me to be his partner for Inti close. I'm taken, I said. He seems disappointed. Sorry la. But.. I like chubby gab. Lol. Not that kind of like, like that no stress way of communication, with his friends too. He's real.

Sometimes I'm so done with people. Did I talk abt what Emily did? She's fucking piece of evil shit. I made a long rant on insta and felt zero guilt about it. She made us did research then presentation abt the research, entire about chapter six, before even learning this chapter. I actually thought it was a good way, but then, maybe she shouldn't have chosen this chapter. Or she should, try to listen to our research. Fucking shit. We don't even need to research to know that passive transport consists three types: simple diffusion, facilitated diffusion and osmosis. She said I confused the class by stating it that way, in the slides. She said, facilitated is not under passive. We have this one case and she asked us, whether this case belonged to passive, facilitated or active. She confused me af. And she said "look who's confusing who". I'm done. I made my triple check on what I searched. I checked on my sem1 notes to make sure This was what exactly Dr Ong taught us, and she actually accused me of not listening during mcb? I got an A for MCB, despite having shitty test 1 and test 2 results. You wanna talk about that? Lets see. How about your thinking conflicted sem1 notes?

Ok I'm done with the rants kbye.

Move out?

In the middle of my nap, my phone started vibrating. It didn't stop when I ignore it. Chubby gab, inviting me to badminton. The thing is, I can't believe there's only like four of us.. omg.

He said, omg, are you sleeping?
I said, no no I'm not. 😂
What a lie. My voice was that obvious?

Life's gotten better cuz I've done most of the assignments way before deadlines, but unfortunately I've gotten bad grades for easy quizzes and tests. I'm not that happy for that. Haih. I've gotten a bad bad grade for biochemistry test 1. Not as bad as chemistry 2 test 1, but seriously, bad.

Recently I'm luring the Ipoh girls to have the urge to try new things. I'm badly influencing wayne, and making angel spend along with us for good food... It's not bad influence right? How can they survive in the shoebox? Gah.

A night talking to three boys makes me think alot. Chubby drinks. His gay friends (they're not actually gay heh) are pretty fun. The tall guy comes from KL. Hi friend. Idk how he could tell. Maybe we KL peeps do things the KL way. There's a style, you know. The talking pattern, etc. Our wildness. He said he used to live in hostel and had no friends at that time. Why does he sound like me. Maybe my solution is to move out. But do I really wanna move out? I've been thinking, actually. Smallwen lives outside, and had a daily partying life. Is that what I want ? I think so? I do want to party everyday. At least through this week, I realized I actually can manage all these stuff. I can hang out, badminton, rush assignments but just not get the best grades. The only sacrifice was grades and sleep. That doesn't sound good isn't it ?

Haih. But seriously the peeps that live outside really sounded like they have such a fun life. Makes me wanna go out that badly.......

I've booked my room a little bit after the deadline. Let's see if I manage to get my room. If I'm kicked out, maybe it's the sign for me to move out. Ha.

I work alone

Imma fucked up uni kid. Why.

I duno whether I can fucking pass my titas. I fucked the quiz. We have group assignments all damn time. Even for biochem, we have shitty PBL and SGD. Experiment with shitty lab partner.

It's already ten months plus being a biotech students. I used to doubt myself, I thought anyone who's got me as their lab partner would suffer. I was wrong. I suffer having them as my lab partner. I suffer to have a lab partner. I don't even want a lab partner. Kitty was good, I thought she was blur. Should've kept a nice lab relationship with her then continue the collaboration. She's actually the best person other than the Ipoh girls. I'm also considered the best person I guess? I do fucked up a couple experiments. But the journals I do, at least they're perfect. I ensure we have the safest marks we can get. I aimed an A for the journals. Kitty was hardworking too to get a good grade. Vitra wasn't like that. I thought I was last minute. I was busy having fun. She was having fun too but she doesn't care. She retook the subject and she still got shitty journal score for us. Why? What the fuck.

I'm so tired. The lab work is fair. You do your part well, I do mine well, we share the score for both parts. I get high marks, you get low marks, drag me down. Is it fun? You aim your pass. I aim an A. You get me to a B, I drag your score up to pass. Is this fair? And you said you'd do it during the holidays. Just say that you can't. No Matter how lost I am, I'd ask and make sure I'd get it at least two days before the fucking submission date. I was super fucking lost during last year genetic report. I got a fucking high score for it tho, because I guess I naturally write good discussions. And you were worried abt how I did it short? At least each and every sentence w careful analysis abt the results. At least I was straight to the damn point so that our lecturers don't have to FIND the point to see how to give marks. The entire paragraph WAS the points.

Dr Cheng somehow heard my rants. I know he understands Chinese. I don't care. I know. Our class was pretty small, there wasn't many to choose to be a lab partner. There wasnt to choose, cuz everyone has their ideal bestie that they could work with, and I'm alone like always. I asked Dr Cheng, can I possibly stand alone to do lab works? He said, yeah I actually can. Well guess what's my target next year. I'd do things alone. Fuck lab partners. Fuck them for fucking my grades. I'm fine if you naturally did badly and did your best. The thing is, you didn't do your best. We're not asked to sit there and do nothing then rush it DURING CLASS for you to finish your job a week ago. You had. A fucking holiday. I'm just... Idk.

Our lecturer was a fucking shit. I know, ms Em shouldn't just make us do all shit assignments together in one week. But that's not an excuse. We all had the same struggle. I did them all at midnight so I didn't trouble my group leaders, so I get to enjoy quality time with people I care in my life. You want to enjoy meanwhile stressing your group leaders down ? Drag yourself down. This isn't sports fiesta. Not all of you can lose while I happily do my part. Your part affects my part. I didn't care about getting champion, or runner ups. I care about my grades.

Fucking hell.

If I don't get a lab partner who's aiming for a fucking A, I'd work alone. Another pros is I'd pay 100% attention to each lab session instead of just 50%, since all the marks would be gained only if I listen, and I have to listen. Now, since it's half half... We only pay attention to half the lab sessions. You'd see some lab members being extra curious and focus during particular days. It's good cuz it means they want to do really well to get good lab results. Unlike some people who dgaf when it's their turn to hold the responsibility. Ffs.