.

Imagine when you're in college, you found a little stray pup. You brought her home, clean her up, she turned out to be a pedigree. They say, pedigrees have genetic problems so they only can have luxurious lives. Day by day she turns out to be the love of your life. A year later when your degree started, you could only be free for once a week.

What do you do? You didn't want to leave her home because you were afraid that she'd forget you, forget that you were the one who brought her home, then start to love the ones that took over your place.

What did you do, you stabbed the pup so hard, and left her at the roadside near your college so people wouldn't pick her up, while you could briefly monitor the other people interacting with her. You left her alone to bleed herself to death, returning once awhile to make her remember you. Your plan worked, as you knew how fierce she'd treat everyone else. She would bite anyone that reached out and still wags her tail excitedly seeing you despite how much more it would worsen the wounds. You want to make it last until you finish your studies, so you could fix her properly.

You didn't realize, there was someone special who managed to reach out for her, quietly mending her, stitching her up. However, she was only nice to the healer, but she still patiently waited for your return.

Until one day, you spot the two playing happily. Your heart sank. You thought, you had to win her heart back! You didn't know, the pup still tried to bite the pup each time the healer tries to bring her back. You abused her heart by accusing her that she has fell for the healer. You want to win her heart "back" but you didn't try anyway, because finally, you think it's better if she goes back with the healer, and she did.

Isn't it stupid?
If you couldn't commit, why wouldn't you leave her at home safely? Why did you stabbed her?

You couldn't afford a good reliable nanny.

That's no excuse to stab her, right?
Or do you still think it's a wise choice? Leaving her the ugliest scars.... Killing every hope she has? If you couldn't afford, you could keep her near you without hurting her.

But you almost killed her instead.

Then you say, "I couldn't give her the best life."

You think she couldn't live with you cuz you aren't rich. So she could live with the wounds?

.

Why can't you fucking leave me alone when I tell you to. Just because we're in Ipoh, I can't do anything I want? Just f off. Wth. Someti

It was them. I knew grandma said something to make you so fucked up. But I didn't know she phrased it that way. You could've told me. I gave you a hundred percent, you took away all my firsts. I believed you would fucking last forever. I gave you the power to restrain me from anything. You were with me. Why did you let her fuck us up? Your background is just your backgroud. Rich kids aren't rich. They just have rich parents. They have NOTHING. You have the heart, and that's the Most important thing. Do you think you have rights to decide what kind of guy I needed? Just be fucking arrogant and confident like you always are!

You want a rich future with your wife and kids? You stay this way and let's see if someone wants you. You didn't have to be an ass just because you don't have the money. Guess what? Most humans at you age don't have the money. You wanna know when will be the time you think achieve your goals high enough to deserve me? That'll be about fifteen years later. If until then I'm still stupidly waiting for you, how many years you've made me suffer, how many years you've made yourself suffer! Fucking piece of idiot.

Grandma did said some mean things to you. She sure did. That didn't change the fact you were a full jerk.

Wood

Wood has been speaking to me.

I thought I wouldn't get affected anymore, but I actually ran to my room to get my own space. It's deep convo. Like finally we're talking to each other the way I wanted when I still hoped, but it was too late.

It didn't matter anymore, but I'm glad I get to know. Suddenly pride seems to disappear, and we obviously care about each other's feelings.

Do you still love me?
It doesn't matter anymore.

Is it possible to like another guy when you still love the one from your past? Or you just let go because your subconscious mind tells you how much pain it's gonna cost if you don't, even if you still love?

Apologizes, regrets, if's, self blamings. I wonder why. Why did you let me cry alone for a year? Why didn't you tell me what you were thinking? Why didn't you fight for me, where were you all this time when I was patiently waiting? Why did you let me convince myself how much you hated me? You were dumb af. Why didn't you just tell me? I would've waited even more. You knew I'd do anything for you. But you made me left. You pushed me to the edge and made me treated you like my worst enemy despite how hard it was for me. I hurt myself when I hurt you, did you know? ...

Look how free I am rn. Back close with my cousin, piercing whenever I want, playing badminton with whoever I want, going out with my coursemates too just without being strained, going wild, learning to drink. I'm as worst as when I first got with you. We had so much fights when I was just a little wild. Good thing we leff each other, cuz you won't be able to stand me being this way. I'm just not the good girl you're looking for.

Most of my motivation to improve in badminton is from you, cuz you think I cannot.
You did, good then, keep it up.
.....

I missed you a lot.
Thanks, I do too..

Anyway. Just thank you for trying to stay friends, sincerely. I have no regrets for whatever I did. I did my best and it didn't work for a  reason. I wish you set yourself down for all the decisions you've made.

CNY when you grow up

It's Chinese new year and I'm probably thinking too much. Sixteen years of CNY eve, I barely touched alcohol. The seventeenth, someone very special and I had a big fight just after I told him that I've drank a little. Then the following year onwards, since I had freedom, and full of depressed moments, duh. And gambling. It's like the first time we actually played with this much money. No kidding.

I'm feeling a little wild. It's like oh shopping for cny stuff? My whole family hasn't tried all those that I had during new year count down. I actually think we bought so little beer, how are those enough...? I used to not have those thoughts before I knew these two groups of people. It's nice to be wild, I guess. Even tho I feel a huge age gap whenever they speak dirty. But it's a good chance to have a different view in life. And knowing how much wine they needed for a small cny gathering, wow, just woww...... My family members aren't wild at all! I'm like a tiny munchkin kitten hanging out with a group of tigers. How exciting. But for gambling, my coursemates taught me more on that.

Dad: "where do you learn all these stuff"
Me: "In class."
Yes we learn to gamble in college. Awesome.

I remember being categorized as the little ones, since my oldest cousins are more than ten years older. They'd talk to the adults more. And now, wait, yes. Now they all seem away. The older we get, the fewer the people. One by one, they get married and leave. All that's left was a few of us, which made it so not fun. The adult talk was serious and scary. Honestly, was it like that too, years ago? It's the first time seeing a cousin cry. I might look blank but inside my head I was screaming "omgomgomgomg what do we do?" No we don't cry during cny. It's such a tough battle she had it for years! Since highschool? Means almost before I started highschool. The kind of talk I'd refill your glass for you. Yes you need a good cry. I hoped mom would stop. Look at how sad she was. Stop asking. Gah. Luckily that shit didn't last too long.

One may look shopaholic, wild and crazy at all times, but we never know that battle inside. When your life is about thinking how to feed yourself and your gambling father, how strong you had to be to be a shopaholic at the same time. They say, people who use that much money definitely have ways to earn them. Yeh. Looking at her night life snaps, definitely. That must be her way to destress. Suddenly, I'm relieved dad doesn't gamble, or expect me to feed him. Or... Pay all the bills and stuff. I'm relieved, I still have time to work hard and make sure I really can feed him, and the family. There's so much stress he didn't give me that I gave myself... Just so thankfully. I got to repay them. All of them. Them for being so supportive despite how a shitty failure I am. Sister for not scolding me for almost using up her tank. They're so good to me. Ugh and here I am. So useless.

Gambling is scary. You have no idea how much you lose. You get the stack of money you borrowed, then you throw them in the pile, piece by piece, and you lost count. At the end, you get back some too, but you wouldn't know if you didn't count.

Dad passed me a stack of one ringgits (RM100) to play with. I lost so much at blackjack, then won back at the other game. I honestly thought I've lost like about twenty overall, turned out I just lost two bucks. I was lucky. The three boys won a lot. Means still, someone got unlucky. It's scary how a small stack of one ringgits can be so much. It's scary how people are really having problems financially, just around me.

Life must've been hard for them, I can't believe I had bad times with my ex just because of a little bit of drinking. It was all on the phone. We had so much stupid fights on the phone. That stress he gave himself, that stress he gave to me. It was all because of overthinking. Wood has a great dad. That dad wouldn't just go crazy and push all the financial responsibility to his son. And I wouldn't go crazy and let him do all the work. For our sake, for their sake, why wouldn't you think about yourself a little more??? Idiot. I'm gonna say, hey, I'm glad we left each other. I'm glad you didn't use actions to prove that you'd treat me how you should. Stress can be passed on, overthinking too. You passed that stress to me, then overthinking habits. Being scared of everything just aren't the way we live. We'd live all our life without living if we're just too scared to get hurt. I hope he stops thinking about the future too much.

If you don't take care of your present, you're definitely gonna ruin all your plans, like how you just did. You lost someone who'd do anything for you like a crazy idiot piece of shit. Look, it's not worth it. What are you gonna do when you get all that fame and achievements? If you can't get with people, you'd die so much inside, and all the things you did go to waste. It's so unhealthy. At the end, ask yourself: are you happy?

Look how determined I was letting go of you. At the end, I think I could think about our  memories and not get fucked up. I could look at your snaps without feeling sad or anything. But there's something that won't ever change. I'd still try to take care about your feelings. I know how much you're seeing. I know how disturbed you'd be seeing me giving someone else the attention I used to give you, so I do that without making it shine. Idk how long that little care would last.

Moon was really good to me. Sometimes I think about the reason I didn't make him leave. He knows everything. The ugliest parts of me. The stupidest part of me. And stays. Idk how long would that last tho, I wish it doesn't stop. Then I think about the reason I still didn't accept him: I'm too messed up.

But I'd like to confess that I do like you a lot. I just wish nothing changes after I say yes...

.

Worst things became history. Wood's left for a year and a few months. Something I used to think: I don't think I can ever fall for anyone else.
Reality: I don't think I can ever be with anyone anymore.

I'm serious, yip man, don't ask. I dont even know how to explain the shits happening in my head. I don't even know why tf am I being so fucked up just because someone wants me.

One thing's for sure: I was doing pretty well alone. Maybe there's I just couldn't be with anyone. Maybe it's not meant to be.

One day I'm gonna drown in my own thoughts alone. If one day, I couldn't take it anymore, I'm just gonna end it all.

Did you know, every step you moved forward, every time you get closer, the voices amplify. No at first they don't appear randomly out of the blue. They haunt me when the skies are dark, they try to convince me that I'm a useless piece of shit and I'm no match to you. Then slowly, they haunt me day and night, making my life miserable like I shouldn't have been born.

It exhausts me to death.

Nightmares

I'm such a crybaby.

4.30am I've done fb scrolling but nothing seem to understand me. Nightmares will be nightmares. Nightmares are the worries that haunt me every day and night, all appearing so realistically in my mind. The scariest type of imagination.

When you got over the worst thing that happened, then life starts to give you the next best thing in your life. Then you ruin it. What would happen when you ruined it?

It's always my fault. I tried so hard to stay on the safe side, then I ruin things. I destroy. I'm not capable of having this "best thing in my life" anymore. When I lost it the first time, I did all I could but nothing worked. When I avoided having the second one, I failed, then my mind created everything out of nothing, just to make my life miserable. It's so hard to just live normally.

What do I have to overcome rn? All these insecurities? And when I've done it, wouldn't it all be gone again?

If only I can believe in this. Believe that this best thing in my life would stay. But how am I supposed to believe things like that? Nothing stays! Nightmares sometimes do come true. It came true once, when wood left.

Who knows what would happen next?

I'm glad my sister's back so I could stay silent.
I'm just full of crap so frequently, I don't wanna make you worry. Cuz I know I can manage it myself. Sorry.

It was just a bad dream

It's almost 5am.
When you close your eyes, you see the worst case scenarios. When you open them, stare into the dark and you still see them in your head, which couldn't stop your stupid eyes tearing up and chest aching like there's a fucking blender knife spinning thingy inside.

Just because of worries! What the fuck.
It's because of all the concerns, I couldn't make it official. I kept you waiting and waiting, even tho I'm scared you might get exhausted and run away. I'm scared too, that you might change and start to take control of me when I started being crazier, and voluntarily blinded. It's scary knowing what I could do for you. It's scary how stupid I can be. I could literally kill myself if something goes wrong again. I know I'm screwed to be awake and worrying bout that thing.

One thing I know is whenever there's a struggle between the mind and the rational thinking, I have to pick the rational one. That's the one which should keep me alive. But who knows? ..... Rational thinking could eat up all hopes just to keep me safe. And that too, is killing me slowly.

What to do.

.

When it's 5am in the morning and you're still thinking if you should get some sleep. Sometimes I hope I'm realistic enough. I needa get my priorities right. Studies should be the first because they're responsibilities. But how to set your mind to do that?

I wonder if there's anyone up for me to annoy. Some day I should stop blogging. I should stop blogging for the rest of my life. Just to stop tripling the shit effects of being shit.

Seriously what's wrong with me? I was really excited the past few days. I was looking forward to this weekend.

Maybe it's the effect after knowing A2 exam date. Today we went to the office to get breakdown for AS. I did badly in bio for paper 1 & 2. I can't accept that. I did better in chem, than bio for those two papers. Why? Was I over confident? Not really. I was just too excited for it to end. Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up today.

Tuesdays' badminton was probably one of the reasons. Idk what was wrong with me that day, if we could just restart that day I would act differently. Yeah you were right. I didn't think you'd notice, but what difference would that make? It doesn't change the fact that I'm a terrible person.

Apologizing is pointless because It's only done after the damage has caused. 

I wanna put my head into the damn ground. And never show myself.

The time gets "late morning" each min. It's telling me to go to sleep even if it's just for less than two hours. But the voices. They're screaming.

Maybe I have split personalities. Maybe I'm completely insane and need real help. Maybe I really should isolate myself. Blogging and blogging won't work.

What else could?

.

I'm probably one of the meanest useless people in the world. Dumb, mean, evil, and negative as fuck.

If you ask me, spam fb or spam blog? I'd pick fb all the time. But when it doesn't work, when fb doesn't make shits less shittier, I'd go for blog. Why? Tbh blogging triples the crap. Especially when that frustration is hard to explain, I don't even write it here, I just blog, and at the end shits still bother me I would hope I'm ded.

Isn't it ironic, we love those that hurt us and hurt those who adore us. It is ironic. How awesome would it be if I've reached that level: not being able to feel. But maybe no matter how I push them away, someone woulf escape that zone and become someone special.

Having someone special is such a dangerous thing. When you start to care, you know you're screwed. You'd do so much shits for them. You'd have so many pointless breakdowns just because of worries and concerns and thoughts. Yeah, it's not such a bad thing. It IS a bad thing!
There ends up you in the middle of the night, thinking bout stuff you're not sure that's completely imagined by you or.... It's just nothing.

I think I'm harsh. I'm hard to be with now. I used to be a stupid soft mushy thing. He easily took control over me. But now, one thing's different. I insist being stubborn, being mean af just to make you run away. Idk why I'm doing this. I'm mean at times. Idk how to be that soft. Idk how to give you the care that you gave me. I'd say something hurtful unintentionally and try to fix your stabbed heart. I'd do something wrong and regret it, try to fix it but at the end, the conclusion is I'm not worth your effort. I'm like shit. I can't give you anything. I swear, your effort is fully appreciated, valued. But I don't think there's anything I can do for you. I only spread negativity. Why would you want me? Why would you want to still give that 100% effort?

I want to be good. I wanna be worth your time, but I'm like shit. I can't do this. It's almost 4am and all I could think is your tone change and I guess maybe, probably I said something wrong again. I guess it's no sleep today.

The initial plan was a lot. Friday I planned to reach college at around 7.30 just to avoid the security guards checking. I want to make sure I get the inside parking because of the little plan my friends were planning. A2 stress hit me hard. I literally got twice as hardworking as the start of the sem, I tried not to go to bed and study. Then shits happened.

When overthinking happens, it ruins plans. I knew that since wood broke up with me. I hate the love I gave. I hate the amount of care I gave, that I threw every busy shits aside just to be that sad. This is what happens when feelings exist. I wish I wouldn't do that anymore, but it's too late. You've entered my priority list like that, so unexpectedly. And now there's no turning back. I'm not blaming you for ruining my plans. It's me. I'm just terrible. I can never live with so many priorities. I can never prioritize studies more than people I care about, which is a very terrible thing if it's single sided.

What is my frustration? I don't know! I think you're so dumb to choose me. I think I'm such a terrible person who'd only give you loads of negativity. I think I'd unintentionally hurt you again and again and try to fix it. I don't wanna do that, but how? Can you tell me how? I suck! That's unchangeable. How????

This Friday and Saturday is gonna be so tiring. The initial plan was try to use all this time vrry wisely, study whenever I can and rest as much as possible. But I guess I've skipped a night sleep. Good thing I did fell asleep a couple times while studying. Is that enough? No idea. It doesn't matter anyway. I need to settle this shit first. Wait, is there anything I can settle? No, too. Like treating you right. Am I treating you right? I don't think so. Ok. Fuck my life.

Maybe I should give myself a limited time. It's the only way, right? Two weeks? Is that enough? I need to change. Two weeks, and I need to stop spreading the negativity, stop unintentionally hurting you. If my stupid personality can't change, maybe I should do something, something like staying away from you. You gotta understand. Your life should be so awesome, so awesome without my existence, or maybe my existence as a badminton friend only. Don't you agree? I hate myself so much I feel bad for you if I finally say yes to you. I feel like I'm such a burden, a stupid shit human who deserves to rot in hell and stop being loved. I feel bad for you because I know how terrible I am. I know I'm not worth anything. I'm not worth your youth, your time and effort. I'm just so so so sorry that it's too late cuz we're already fucking close. I should've pushed you away at the beginning. I'm so sorry I didn't. I'm so sorry for being this way. I'm sorry for appearing. I hate myself for being like this but I can't help it. Maybe I'm going mad. I should just isolate myself and stop giving the illusion to people that I'm a normal person.

What do I do now? Feeling so fucked up. Why? It's been a long time wood left me, and it's hurting lesser as time passes. Thankful that he finally grants me by stop staying in contact.

Life has been great. Everyone's so good to me. Why am I like this? Honestly, why?

I'm so tired of myself I wish I never existed to feel all this. Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I just couldn't get along with anyone. What fuck is wrong with me? Stop, stop crying over nothing. Stop getting depressed for no reason. I have so many reasons to just look at the bright side but what am I doing

.

5.52am.
I woke up for awhile, shit mode on. I wish I can stop thinking about the negative possibilities and go to sleep.

As if I've killed an innocent little girl and I'm feeling really really bad. No punishment was made. The punishment would be the guiltiness and full of regret that I'd be living with for the rest of my remaining life. She was completely innocent.

She wouldn't have died if she ran away.

I learn the hard way. Say no, because I'm the only one that'll be taking charge of my life forever, and no one stays. I wasn't so blinded. I knew it was bad. There's no way, running away from being a murderer. As long as you've killed once, it stays with you forever. It haunts you forever, as if I've killed my rights to be a person that deserves a peaceful life.

When they say, I accept your present,, do you believe them?

Honestly I really could disappear for such a long time, after exposing my shits. I gave two split seconds to show you. If the entire world knew, I would literally kill myself on spot. When you knew, I thought I might kill my existence in your life. I guess you didn't let me do that.

It's a lie if I never think of it. Now I'd look at you and wonder if you judge me everytime you look at me. Do I look like a murderer? It must be hard to believe? Maybe it was easy?

My chest burns. I remember that happened the most whenever wood and I had big bad arguments when I cry and soak all my pillows in bed. I wonder what's the biological explanation for it. Is it normal if you feel the physical pain when you're mentally breaking into pieces ?? Drama queen said she had it too. Yip man do you have it too? Facing all these shits alone like that.. it must be so so hard. So hard I didn't know how to make you feel better. I kept thinking, what was the words I needed when we broke up? Nothing. I needed time, a place that nobody could see me. Just to cry alone and hope everything finishes. After having one... I think you needed a shoulder. I wish everything positive goes back to you. I wish we all stop getting this stupid feeling, just for worthless stupid humans.

That's so much to think about in this hour. I wonder if we can actually die of exhaustion from thinking too much, or having too much of negativity. Or do we heal? They say the poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once. But there's still some permanent damage. The innocent little one will never stop haunting me, I guess.

.

Guess what I told stomata.

I left the class twice, to get some air. Walking around the campus. Into the hall, seeing them play badminton, I thought, I should join too, I need that so bad. Then voon annoying me. Into SSD. Everywhere.

My classmates never seen the worst of my face.  They never knew whenever I had shits. Well, I never told them. 

I feel like I should die.

Stomata and I were walking to our cars.
Sam I feel like drinking.
I think that's not a wise choice

Lmao I love the way she said it. So cute.

.

Why did I asked you permission?
Why did I feel the need to ask ?

I hate myself for giving someone the power to tell me to do things. I hate myself for thinking, I should do this, but no cuz It's gonna hurt you, so no. I hate myself for always, always letting someone kill me easily.

I want to push you away so badly. I need to do that. I want to change my link, and stop letting you in my head.

I spam when it's like shit. I'm in class and I'm spamming. Thanks alot.

And you read them all. What are you gonna say after this? Why did I complaint in my blog ? Cuz it's my blog, I do what I want. I write what I want.

I want a space to pour out without being questioned.

If you can't help questioning me, you tell me. Tell me, I'll change the link. You don't have to read them. Nobody told you to read them. My fault for giving you the damn link. Yeah.

Half an hour more, then class would be over.

I seriously hope I die young. Very young. Idgaf how ugly my corpse is gonna be. I'm done.

Negativity didn't kill me. Negativity is trying to save me from all this bullshit. The voices are trying to save me. I should never ever ignore the voices.

When the situation looks good, when I feel like life is great and I don't wanna ruin it, shits appear.

Shits like this. So never allow myself to get too happy. Positivity kills you. It gives you hope. But nothing can change that shitty past of mine. When it's all over, I'll make sure I don't repeat all this shit mistakes.

Stay alone, and stop trusting.

Sick

Apparently I sat here for more than an hour making myself to finish the whole jug of water, without the damn fan on, feeling like crap, and it's fine. (The main point is without the damn fan on) Is the weather cold, or was it just me? I don't understand.

It makes more sense now. When you get a fever, you become hot as fuck and everything should make your freeze. I had trouble sleeping in an aircon room because it's so hot. But now without fan and aircon, I'm ok?

I don't like telling my family whenever I'm sick, or feeling shitty. It's the same concept. After he broke up with me, they didn't even know for a long time. I was always in my room. Same with being sick af. They make a big fuss about it.

Why didn't you go to training?
Because I want to look at you for two more hours.
What's wrong with you, rejecting badminton and saying weird stuff..

I rather gross my sister out. Hahahah (ps she's going overseas for a week so I can use this)

I don't mind fever. It's the runny nose. Stop that please. I'd do anything to stop that. Fuck my life.

AS results

Doomsday. We had our AS results. Everyone's kinda stressed, Idk why. There's no need for the smart asses to be stressed, cuz they always have stable A's. For me, of course. I'm the average one in class.

I didn't get my A for bio. Disappointed af. Tbh I knew that. I knew I didn't do my best after handing in the papers. I was in a too-much- holiday mood at that time. My bad.

How about chem ?

It's very unexpected for my chem and bio to have the exact same marks.

My bio should be better than chem. In other words, I got unexpectedly high for chem. It's not good, but it's the best I've did in 18 years living. Since highschool until now, it's huge improvement. I think. But obviously, I had to be very terrible at the beginning to have this much improvement. I used to hate chem so much cuz nothing goes into my brain, but now, it does get in. And I like that.

Math was very very bad. I got the score I used to get during highschool. Haha so expected. Cries. Is there anything I can do to make myself a math person?

There's a huge variety of results in the class. I mean. Some of them got full A's, some half A's, and some, just average like me,, then some failed almost everything.

From highschool until now, I guess I'm going up. Obviously, highschool syllabuses are so much easier than A level's, yet I improved. Should I be happy? No, nah, cuz I didn't do my best. That wasn't my best. The study attitude's changed, but not good enough.

I'm so gonna do better for A2.

Yeah. Damnit.

Don

So much has happened lately. The whole end of 2016 was so precious. A three day Penang trip with my psychs, a two days no night trip with Moon for the countdown, then an awesome experience with pabo at the radiostation.

I've gotten drunk a lil. I think I become a crazy hugger in that state. Because alcohol makes my head heavy I love to lean over. But no way I'm gonna reduce this. Beer is expensive. So freaking expensive. Glad I've snatched the receipt on that day. Omg. 92 for a ten mug pack. Wallet's crying. I owe them a lot. I probably didn't pay. I have no memory of me digging that much money out. Ohmy. My parents' gonna kill me if they know.

Do you have feelings for him?
Yeah I do. But I have to make sure that I'm fair to moon.
Pooh can't help much. I consult myself because if I didn't, I would be dead already. I know what I have to do. I know Wood's no good to me. Physically, I already let go, I did what I have to, but now I have to mentally let go too. No consultation can help that shit. Time can.

I am fair to moon, right?

When are you going to accept him?
I don't know. I think I'm such a mess. Why would he want a big mess like me? There's nothing I can do. I have to at least not let the past affect me first. Which is Idk when.

Fair enough?

I'm so sorry.

Wood,

You needed 5 bucks.
I showed up giving you 2 bucks.
But he showed up giving you 5 bucks.
Truth : 2 bucks is everything I've got, while he has 50 bucks.
You took the 5 bucks and walked away happily. While you looked down at me for giving you 2 bucks.

Good is never good enough.
You give your best, but it doesn't mean it is best for him/ her.
People don't appreciate the best you've given. They appreciate what's the best for them.

Hope you've received the best from him, and for yourself.

Well maybe she didn't look down on you. Maybe when you were earning your 2 bucks, you were being an asshole to her. Even if you gave her 50 bucks, she'd leave. But you know what, all she wanted was a sincere apology, and actions to prove that you'd never be an ass again. She would happily return to you forever no matter how much you have.

Such a bitch. I want to say that so badly. What do you think he offered me? A house? A big pile of money? What, still think I'm a fucked up typical gold digger?

He offered me a shoulder. A hug. A place to run to when I need go cry and kill myself. Somewhere to feel concerned. He offered me his arms and ears when I had nightmares. And guess what? You were the nightmare. The nightmare that was constantly haunting me while I was awake, eating my thoughts alive and making me live like I'm not living.

It doesn't matter if you only have 2 bucks to give. You gave nightmares along with that 2 bucks. I can't believe after all you still think I care so much bout your financial background and stuff.

I can't believe I had to ask stuff through your brother. I used to think your brother was so quiet and awkward with me. But now I can talk to him better than to you. It's pitiful how far we've went and that's all we can reach.

Is it a misunderstanding? Or you just didn't want to admit that you've fucked up our supposingly curable relationship?

Wood

I had lots of things to write about. So many things, so little time. Sudden realization, happy things happen so fast, I never have much time to write them down. The kind of tiredness is different from the one you get when you're depressed. Bad things slow down the pace of life. I mean. I could be so busy all day, and when shits happened, I suddenly have the time to blog. Why?

I don't think we can be friends. Pineapple asked us out for badminton, so we went. We were both mildly nice to each other, but otherwise, just cold. His eyes are cold. His expression, they're all different from before. It stings a little.

Pineapple, do you feel the tension in it?
No I don't.
Moon, do you?
You're thinking too much.

It's not sixth senses. Maybe we were too close before, it's just wrong. The atmosphere. The overall mood. I couldn't serve to him well. He never looked me in the eyes. I tried, and I did. But all I saw was too pools of ice. Fucking cold.

I thought I couldn't predict his mind. Turned out I was right after all. I was told, people like you never left even after leaving. He looks cold, acts cold, but he wasn't like that.

You thought you could, but you couldn't.
Me too, wood. Didn't you see how desperately I want to make you leave my life?
How great would it be if you agreed with me, and leave? You'll be okay soon. After school starts, you'd be busy af, and you'd forget about me. Like how you used to.

My double helix represents how much I love my life without you. So stay gone. "Goodbye", not "see you". Hopefully I don't get to see you.

Do you know how hard it was for me, to let someone in, because of you? Did you know how much how much I wanted to fix us, did you know how painful it was every time, did you know how every fail felt like? Did you ever had that stabbing pain in your chest when you're just so so hopeless? Do you ever lay in the pitch black room hoping that you never existed to experience the pain you're facing? Did you ever get so tired of and kept wondering what you've done so wrong to deserve all those nights?

It fucking sucks! And I still miss you! I miss you like crazy, still. Every time I close my eyes. You show up. Your name shows up. You confuse me. You ignore me but you care. You say goodbye then say you want us to be friends.

If it affects you too then don't say anything. DON'T text me to say goodbye. You've already said it, you said it two years ago, and I received it last year. Don't even. It feels less terrible when we stay staring at each other coldly. So please, stay that way?