Wood.

So what could be worse? When your favorite person removes you from his snapchat, when your favorite person removes you from his life. Leme tell you what could be worse: he forgot to remove you from fb.

I can't see what he's doing anymore, and he's suddenly posting a photo in fb? Unusual, weird and why? Honestly I want to know everything, everything you're doing. But you shut me out so I could stop overthinking. It is working, and you threw a photo up there? Well my first thought was who were you with. Who else? Why should I be insecured having nothing to lose? I shouldn't. Thank god your friend asked it for me. I thank him.

I wonder if you wonder what I do. I wonder if you feel like looking at my snaps but knowing you couldn't cuz you deleted me. I wonder if you wonder whether I watch movies with friends, and with who.

Maybe if you delete me from fb, I'd finally become normal. Nah. I duno. You just frustrate me all the time whenever I see signs of you.

Do you know? You no longer give special notifications. It's just yellow vibrateless sound, like everybody else. You don't even notify me whenever your fb's updated. Why, because it sucks. It sucks knowing a tiny part pf what you're doing, and that's all, cuz I'm in no fking position to give shit bout anything else.

Yeah you should remove me. I will blame you. I'll probably cry for a few more days then get over it. Then that's it for you. You're done appearing in my life. I'll just hate you af for five minutes then cry then smile and say, screw it, you still text me anyway, randomly after I change fancy WA statuses. And at the end, I'll be waiting for your yellow ordinary notification, and always waiting like a piece of dead meat.

Last training

I love how our training ended. It wasn't so sad, it wasn't too bad too. When it was announced, one of them said self training, then used words to murder me to exaggerate how Terrible I am.

Well yesterday, today, it turned out everyday I was overthinking. Overthinking he'd never ask me out anymore, overthinking he'd never kiss me again. He suggested me some trainings.

But I already have one in mind. I'd like to join arrogant ass's training. Let's change a nickname for him. Honey? Omg. No, ew. Arrogant honey?
Much better right? Yip man any suggestions? Heh. Aiya just arrogant, he's not an ass anyway.

I realized finding a cheap training is pretty hard, unless I'm finding shitty ones. Two years here helped me realized I've been under useless coaches since forever. Sorry, not sorry, cuz you guys ruined me. Arrogant's training has a normal price. Expensive than my old training, but seems not too expensive, plus it's so close from home. Why not?

While he's going to main branch which is so damn far away from here.. I thought he's gonna quit entirely. Him telling me bout the future plan makes me feel much better. I mean, hey he's not quitting. He's still that inspiring badminton addiction president.

I think it's okay when you're there and I'm here, but we're still training, together. I'd think of you all the time, hope I get to be in the same session with arrogant, so I get crazy boastful craps and random distractions from him.

You're ok with him right?

Weird shits

Many weird shits happening.

One guy could make me the saddest person in the world, and the next day, he could actually treat me like a little sister, get drinks for me, and fulfill my little wishes. And cared. He cared. Wow. After what he did to me, and I'm still surviving. This is one I couldn't believe.

A girl can act like a boy, be all flirty and give me goosebumps. It's terrifying. I can understand if guys do that, they just want your temporary attention, and they'd leave when they're satisfied or ignored. But what makes a girl do that? Plus she's a really pretty one.

A guy acting cold all the time could speak up for you. Like he doesn't talk at all. I'll call him god as his name sounds like it hahaha. God.. he looks like a cold player. Sorry. But probably he just likes that style, but maybe not player. Idk. Idc. But he spoke up when someone's about to mock me. Wow. I didn't expect that. White coconut didn't know my level, so he was surprised when we just started an imba mix right away.

We won a match. Not just any match. Ginger and I versus sukma girl and heart knot. I couldn't believe it. Even tho ginger is really good, heart knot's damn good too. Plus the girl's a sukma player! Fml. It was the luckiest mixed doubles I've ever played, making some pretty shots. My services can kill, a couple times??

Lots of weird shits.

Life is going okay, but I really wish I have motivation to study like crazy. Exams coming next week and I'm always sleepy.

Fuck my life! 

I'm like her

Imagine everytime I scold my sister about her attitude, I'm just scolding myself. Because, she's me. We're the same.

I feel really really bad, actually.

She had a performance yesterday. It's like a big thing... I duno why. There were so so many problems. Choosing a suitable piece... Commenting on the performance... then she losing things as usual...

She gets really unhappy when she receives... Things she doesn't wanna listen.

Even I, she asked how did she do, and I didn't even dare to really comment. I said what she'd like to listen. Then she was okay.

Mom talked to me about it. I asked her, what should we do then? About her losing her wallet and not giving any shit..  she's gonna go overseas. What do we do?

Mom said, no choice.
Why is she like that?
Because we spoilt her, we care too much bout her feelings. So she couldn't accept criticism. But critics are what that makes her grow. Isn't it? She's pampered.

Like I am too. That's why wood left me. 

I didn't deserve that guy.
I deserve his current treatment.

He didn't want me to become a shitty spoilt kid. So he did what's best for me. I didn't appreciate that. I caused us both, having a hard time.

I thought he always wanted the best for me, physically but not emotionally. I thought he never cared bout my feelings, and always telling me what to do.

No. I was wrong. I chose to be that spoilt brat.

Before I become a good daughter, I should just leave him alone. Yeah for his sake. And everything.

Being with me must be hard.
I'm very very truly sorry for that.

.

We always lose things, break things. Anyone notice? It's always the best things that's used and destroyed.

I lost a guy. A few coaches. A hardisc that contains all, all the fucking memories. One of my favorite earrings. What I broke? I broke my phone screen. My fucking ankle (fine I didn't break thst, but it's considered so bad). A few rackets that was actually broken by someone around me. My favorite little keychain's ear.

It's always the best things. Maybe they're meant to be gone. Maybe just because, fate wants us to not get happy at all. Not get too happy, because it knows happiness makes us spoilt shitty kids. So it wants us to get used to the pain, and they take away everything you love the most.

It wants us to just.. not know how to love anything at all, then one day, you lose the thing you love the most, you'd unintentionally look okay, because it's not that bad anymore.

I honestly wish I can be a fucking shitty spoilt kid forever.

We all have these friends that won't ever fall for someone cuz they see how people work. They fall for one, and take back the feelings when they see the true colours of the so call "crush". It's so awesome how they did it.

There's no such thing as forever. Like how my fucking website says. Fishtail said, forever is just awhile. Everything's just for awhile. Cuz people are fucking bitches.

Just screw it lo.

`&$*#*(!:

When wood didn't show himself.... I was asking myself. His event ended. He slept til so late yesterday he should be coming. Why didn't he come? He loves badminton so fucking much like no one else. Why would he skip? Third last training, and he skipped it. Why? Is he sick? Injured? Or overslept? No,no. He wouldn't let himself do that. He's the most disciplined person I've ever known.

I broke my own rule and texted him.

Thinking about it I wanna take a hammer and throw it into my head. Fucking hell, why did I do that? Clean cut, clean cut!! Fucking forget it _&$*(@?:

I seriously have brain issues.

Baadminton

Ginger, know why I'm suddenly not nice anymore?
Yeah it has something to do with wood. But Guess what, it's my decision to stay away from males like you. You killed the snapstreak once, and I'm gonna kill it too. After that, there won't be anymore snapstreaks. We gonna be just normal 'besties' and maybe, better, nothing at all. Boys that act nice has their intentions. Even if they don't, they'll just be temporary. For the sake of you, and I, I'll stay away from you. Thank you for anything kind you've done to me. Really, thank you. Next time if we bump into each other in the library, I'd leave right away. I'm just that mean.

Yes yes I do, want to improve. I want to improve so so badly I can actually ignore the bad ankle, and run. I can ignore everything, and just train as usual. I do agree boys can help me to improve, you can help me improve. But if I'm gonna use you, I'm a fucking bitch. I might be, but I'm not thaaat kind of bitch. It's no different from those that want your card, cash, condo, car. If you agree to let me join, I'll have my own way to get to that location. I'll pay for the court and shuttlecocks I've used. I'll do my part, and you do yours. I don't owe you, you don't owe me. But since it's not possible, that fuck that shit.

I have ways. If I really can't improve without help from anyone, I'd get myself to another training center. I'll find a new coach. You're not the only one that can help me. I can stroke with so many boys, I don't need the best in the club. People that I hate the most are the people who let go promises like no one else's business. And you, sir, has been added to that list, voluntarily.

I've been sad, losing someone who's not even mine since a year ago. It's stupid as fuck. So fucking dumb I can't describe it. I'm so mad at myself I want to just pierce my ears as I wish, I want to wear nicer clothes just to please myself and the fucking mirror. I want to eat junk food just to pleasure my fucking taste buds without your business. I want to go to karaoke fucking alone just to sing until I cry. I want to spend time with my classmates, watching movies, ice skating, Whatever you hate! I want to do these things for myself just for myself, and you don't matter at all. Because you don't give any shit anyway. I want to do the things I want to do, and to not care about how you'd think.

Have you seen bitches putting snaps on their story, just to know if one particular person has slept?
Have you seen bitches scrolling through recent posts only searching for that one name?
It has never surprised me, being disappointed.
It's like being happy is not possible anymore cuz you don't let yourself to.

Bit by bit, I'm removing you from my life. I've deleted seventy photos and videos, all from our folder. Bit by bit, I removed your custom notifications, your settings I've put in fb, so you'd never appear in my notifications anymore. After awhile, your name would be gone from my life, as I'd rename you something that I'd never tap in to take a look. I'd forget your number, I'd forget that I've always missed you. One guy made me go crazy. Well that's enough.

If anything else's gonna make me go crazy, that'd be badminton. I've always admired people who play badminton well. It's not gonna change. I'll always admire their skills, and look up on them.

Guess what, besides Easter, I've found another girl who could play. A fucking state player from Ipoh! Ps I know, I'm a stalker. But I'm a secretary too, so I have the rights to take peeks at their information. Bleh don't mind me.

Honestly I think Easter beats me. I'm not the best in the college. I'm still as usual, very average. Whenever I stroke half court with Easter, she hits hard, so hard I'm always not in good state hitting back. But I think she's very predictable. Some tricking shots could exhaust her or make her shots unstable. And that's the chance I kill. Not sure how we'd both do in a real single match, but... she's not thaaat good in mix doubles. And the new girl I've found? Shes an art student, never met her in person yet, but I found her fb. A wow tomboy. So excited to get to play with her. When would that be? Awh please.

:3 Only badminton can excite me now. Gah let me play. 

When training ends

Whenever I'm awake, whenever I'm conscious, I just worry bout what am I gonna do without a coach. Saturdays, if I go to the courts by myself, will I even have a space to play? After the whole Olympic badminton craziness, everyone's just mad. Last time I remember, I don't even get to book a morning court on a freaking Thursday. Saturday??? Duh, no space for me unless it's mba. But mba is so far away, I don't even have a fking car. If you ask me, I'd avoid using inappropriate shoes to do practice footwork on inappropriate places, cuz my ankle's already like shit. You don't fucking blame me for not doing footwork on my own. If I don't have a nice court to begin with, I just don't do it. For the sake of the fucking future, man. Cuz I'm not like you. I'd hurt myself but I'd try not to cause permanent damage just to ''improve".

So, how? No court, no space, no nothing. Now it's not just about the training I'm afraid. Haizzz I just can't stop thinking bout these shits and I should be thinking bout how to score my AS like a fucking boss.

'help me man.'

Bruh do you know I fucking cried when my previous coach left. Now this, even tho he's not as close as that one, with me.. but. It's still fucking sad okay, plus I lose him too. I lose everyone at once. What fuck is fate gonna do to me. What else do you want to take away from me. Two years and I can't correct my footwork. Do you think I want that? Did I not change? Everytime I did a swing, I'd think about the turning. I'd make sure I've turned my body even if it's just a little. You were expecting me to suddenly change into a fucking state player. I'm not that strong ok? I'm not what you think. Since before you fucking dumped me, you know how dreamy I was. Do you think I want that? I've been trying so hard you should fucking know. Fuck you if you don't.

Now it fucking hurts each step downstairs. Like back to start. Just every fucking time after hours of badminton, I'd die once physically.

Tell me, what else can I do? Get another training? Or what, self training? I don't fucking mind hogging courts. But if I really hog, I'd have to hog good courts. But it's so hard. Fml la. Just fucking kill me. If one day, I start playing terrible than previously..

I'll kill myself.

Training

This guy doesn't believe me.

I'm very glad Voon didn't treat me mean just because I was mean. I was always mean to him in social media but we communicate peacefully when face to face. Of course, I'm still slightly, very mean.

I used to think I'm more of a single player. Now not anymore. Easter stroked with me. When we stroke half court, I think I'm losing. But when a guy and I versus her and another guy, she's not that good anymore and I think I could beat her. Conclusion, I could beat her in doubles, but not singles, despite how terrible our partners are.

Ginger doesn't really get me. Uhh. He said don't overthink. I replied, I don't want him to overthink. He went speechless.

If you want to improve, then I'll help.

I have other ways to improve. If there really are no training for me anymore, I'd go to courts for fun, without booking, then look for odd number people and join them. I'd look for random boys or better, uncles to play with. They'd help me improve. If there's no good players out there, I'd go to empty courts to work out on my shadows.

I've had two years of training that built up my stamina and muscles but ruined my basics. I've had two years to correct my basics to what I should have earlier, and that's it. I have four years of training, but actually three years of real hardwork. Wood thinks I'm ruined and I can't change. I'm gotta show him I can. I can correct my footwork.

I can. I can, without asking help from ginger. I can, without asking help from boys that you don't trust. I can do these things alone.

He trained himself for eighteen years.
He trained for more than ten years.

I've trained for four years, two years wrong shits, what do you expect? What do you expect from me!?

You people are good people. But I'm a fucking human. Okay?

I can't turn to a fucking state player in five mins. You can't, he can't do that to me.

Fuck my life, man. Just fuck.

End of training at CBA

I thought I have time to get ready before you leave. Now coach left and forced us apart. So I don't even have two hours to see you each week. You're like at the other side of reality. You're going to be somewhere I can never ever reach you're gonna be so busy you're gonna ignore each and every message I sent. You're gonna just live and stay happy while ignoring this psycho. So it's for real.

I wasn't brave enough to quit training, so training quit me. Training quit us.

I know I'm supposed to stay away from him. I know I should've let go months ago. But well, I COULDN'T.

It's unfair. I'm prepared to torture myself by not letting go. And still training quit us. I'm pretty sure pineapple can win your heart even tho she's physically further from you.

So it's a plan. I'm gonna score well for A levels and leave this place. Since you're already gone, I'll go somewhere far away. I'll leave you. One day you look back you're gonna see how successful I've become. You're gonna talk to me and know how I've did it without you, but I'm gonna whack you and you'd get my cold treatment forever.

I'm gonna leave this place.

FCUC rant

Oh my god. I have too much OCD I couldn't stand unsystematic shits. Yup I agree, I need to calm. But I fucking swear, you can't blame me for being harsh to a fucked up idiot president who doesn't know how to president. Are you fucking serious? He's a fucking loner, he works alone. Don't you see that? NO BLAME. Let him continue. I fucking swear I WILL quit.

Give me a break, man. Today I was inspired fucking badly by class rep, to study like crazy, study like hell. And in the middle of chemistry, this stupid name popped up with stupid decisions. I doubt he has a brain. Even if he has, HE DOESN'T USE HIS BRAINS. FUCK la. Walao how has he been living??

Definitely in a fucking cave where he doesn't need the brains. Oh wait or maybe zombieland, the zombies probably ate them. Ugh.

God, give him new brains. Please.

Okay I know things are really fucked up because this is a college club we're forming. Does no one knows how to manage a club!? This is fucking shit! I'm gonna rant FCUC rn. Fucked up college.

Every fucking time someone asked, how's the college, I used to say IT SUCKS because it has no badminton club. WHAT COLLEGE doesn't have badminton club!? Total shit. Unbelievable. It has No clubs, trust me. Fuck. I doubt dodgeball club has a real system. It might look grand to new students, NAH to me. Bruh.

How many years has this college been surviving? So many years but don't have a solid system to manage clubs? What fuck!? I know. Voon is a piece of shit, but actually I shouldn't blame him. Really. He has passion, but no nothing else. No sportsmanship, no leadership. But it's already done, he's the fucking president, but he has NO IDEA how to be. And why, because of the college.  There's no successor to follow. The new guy doesn't know what to do as a fucking boss!

GET ME? He needs guidance. And I fucking swear, even if fcuc is a new college, how can they pick a president like this? No system, just pick. It's like Voon running the college. Ohmybrainhurts.

If you ask me, yeah I fucking regret coming into this college. Shouldve went to somewhere known. Unlike my parents can't afford it, I'd be away from all this shit and living a fucking normal life. But whatever happened has already done.

So this club is shit. I'll just play and make sure I improve at least a little there. I'll not do my job as a good secretary. I'll do my job as a good student, which is study and ignore shitheads, do well for A levels and blow those people's minds. Then get at least requirements to go to somewhere NORMAL.

Fuck the club, fuck the college I'm done.

Badminton with coursemates

They were planning for badminton since last week, so. It was a cool plan. I go college, pick them up to mba.  Actually, luckily I called to book the courts in champion, and realized they were full. Anyways. I picked stomata, orange, round collar, and Nana. Nana's a freaking badass. Love the way she tried starting a conversation with round collar 😂 it was really jam. But all is well.

Joker sent fish and shell then went missing. Don't know why, this dude.

Hoodie got there first. With that adorable bright smile. I settled with the bookings and got us a tube of shuttlecocks. I told you guys. Each tube, for standard price would be around sixty. This tube we got was 60.40. Yup pretty expensive, but that's how life is.

So yup. Time to spend shuttlecocks. I played with hoodie at first. I thought he could play, but turned out nah. Fish said he was in school team, so I expected a lot from him. Turned out, he's like typical guys, I think I could beat him. He has a too-funny face I couldn't play without laughing. Damn. Crazy ass. I like his exaggerations. The girls, of course I know how they play. We played a crazy mix doubles. I taught orange how these matches work. She seems learning fast! Good student. Can't believe they all don't know the rules. Maybe I shouldn't be too formal.

I was bored and there was a court with three boys. So I joined in, they were ok. Lmao they seemed soft to me at first but I don't wanna. So I'd kill them a few times to make them kill me. Yay. :3 it worked. Looking at highschool students makes me feel old. I'm fucking 18 but I look younger than the boys. Daamn. Next time, I'd join in more of these random people from neighbouring courts. That would be fun.

So I brought the hostelless peeps to my place for a shower and got to class late. Best thing is, our lecturer were late :3. Class was like no-class. Tooo awesome. We had crazy conversations all day. Best class, actually. Heh. I love how stomata, channel, shell and I tease joker. It's verryyy fun. I'm too excited. Everyone was really tired after badminton. Woohoo. Fml.

I like knowing that I'm good. Even tho, I know I'm not actually that good. Next Monday is gonna be exciting. Three hours of badminton, maaan. I'm gonna do shadow. One day, I fucking swear, I'm gonna trash Voon. In his face. I know I don't have much energy than guys. I'm gonna use that thinking to kill you.