I'm bitter.
I'm salty.

At the end of the day, gold didn't follow up with me. I know it when guys aren't serious about stuff I guess. I know it when haang wasn't serious. I know it when gold wasn't serious.

Or maybe I'm just gonna assume all guys are gonna be like that.

"I have a feeling all the girls are having a mini crush on snow."
I thought he looked good. I didn't know he looked that good. Lol.

The first time I used this laptop to sign in fb. I typed loong's name. Searched.

I know, I chose to hide his feed. I chose to not show my feed in his wall too. I wonder. Did he even knew what exactly happened. Crisp, loong, juan, pan. Do they know what happened?

They don't.

I'm pretty sure they still baddy on weekly basis. And crisp finally understood. I removed yall from social media, because I don't want anything to do with yall anymore. For real. So he stopped inviting me.

It's a good thing.

I felt a little sad for them tho. Forever concealed from ET's lies.

But as long as they're happy, I'm happy for them.
I'm not a friendship wrecker. I might've been let down by their friend. But leaving this quietly is the best thing to do.

On some cases, utilitarianism is needed.
Maximize happiness.

I haven't logged in for a while I guess?
Life has been content. I'm getting there.

Recently my old laptop broke. My old hp core i3. It was a shitty laptop, for real. I always wanted to change it. But not exactly this way. I was close to backing up. I was close.

I thought I lost everything, but I haven't. Honestly I wanna punch myself. What is there to keep? What's gone will be gone. Keeping traces of memories won't change the fact that they're gone.

When the guy said, he failed to transfer my files over, the first thing that flashed tru my mind was that guy. I know. We had a long history, I went from "I'm trying to think less about him" to "he does appear in my head, but super rarely." Have you moved on? I usually reply, Yes I have. But am I really sure about it?

The first time my laptop broke I literally cried because of the photos I lost. I was down for more than a week. Then idk how, I moved on I guess. We created new memories. We had a brand new start. And it ended too. So there's inception in my history file. Inside history, I had another file named "history rewrite, fail." I'm not even kidding.

And yeah now I lost all that too. If it goes together with my head it would be awesome. Wiping out all the memories. Wiping my darkest past. And then the next thing that appeared was loong squad. We had tonnes of photos. I was afraid of losing them. But I knew it would happen, so I did that. Loads of photos of them, all gone. Idk what else I'm gonna do. I just sigh.

Then it's my besties. My girlfriends. My crazy squads.

I wish those photos are still around. I wish I still have them all.

But if I did it once, I can do it again. I'll rewrite my story, I guess.

Have you really moved on?

I haven't. How do you unlove someone? How do you uncare someone? How do you undo stuff that you've permanently invested into? How do you take back all the things you promised, all the love you gave, all the efforts you made, the efforts you received. How do you delete memories?

I don't believe in deleting. I believe that everything happens for a reason. So there's a reason for them to be there. There's a reason we got together, broke up, got together again, and.broke up again. There's a reason I went from alcoholic to non alcoholic. There's a reason loong squad happened.

There must be a reason why my hard disk broke again.

I didn't lose everything. The oldest version of history is still nicely saved on my pendrive, and my Dropbox. So there goes the photos from my first ever relationship.

I smiled knowing that they're safe. It's unreasonable. I don't even look into them. i don't even remember what's in that file.

Okay fine, I remember.
I'll always remember.
Maybe there's that toxic there I can never remove. It's like quitting alcohol. I'll stop craving them, but when I see them, I want to drink. I'd always want to drink.

So I should never see them.