Stupid dreams

I had another dream which involves the alcoholics. Ok fine more like the alcoholic. Idk why I'd dream of people even since when we weren't close.

And these dreams... drives us closer.

Such a weird dream but I fucking hope I didn't wake up so I could see how the story goes.

I drove to his place. But there was some events out there. Parking disaster, everything messed up. I didn't even know if he was at home. There wasn't much of a story. It's just that I drove there, and couldn't find him.

Scary.

Wood

Maaaybe wood was right.

My immune system did fucked up after I started drinking. I used to stay up all night for exams and still lived it through like a boss. But recently, each time staying up for exams... I die. Ever since A2, the first time dying during exam, and now for uni too.

Conclusion: alcohol fucks immune systems.

Haiz.................

That one day drinking a can of carlsberg, I thought, carlsberg doesn't even taste good. At least I'm over with beer. I definitely prefer whiskey and wine. If I didn't change that much...

Two years of interesting talks from pn Lim, but wood's passion, one guy's story lit up that thing in me.

Daily head knocks from arrogant, claiming how alcoholic I am that I should stop, but wood reappeared and it all magically stopped.

Is he god?
Yeah he is.

Annd I ran out of tears.

Have you ever have one miserable night your tears streams and stops, alternately. The difference between thinkers ans dreamers, and that dreamers think about the problem, never about the solution.

You'll know it one day when you tried your best to tell your love that you had a long day when you're needing the loves, but he tells you, this is life. You move on. And proceeds to sleep.

Grow up, he says.

Can you hear the ouch from Idk which dimension? I hear it loud and clear. That's when your heart starts telling you, that is total bullshit. Leave the guy.

And you don't want to. You literally run up him and say. Honey can't you just be nice? And he says, my way of caring.

There you go. You stream and stop the entire night, turned out he's neutral about you leaving anyway.

And the end you ask yourself. What was I crying for ?

You can literally jump off a building and he'd say, why would you do such a childish act?

The squad

It's 4th of November. I came to Inti at 14 of August. Guess it's been three months.

I used to play four sessions from Friday to sunday. Twice on Friday, twice on Sunday. And then, I destroyed my arm. I destroyed it a year ago actually. When wood left me, I thought there was nothing left in life. I focused on badminton. I played like there's no tomorrow, and that's how I get to know moon. And then that's how I get to know his friend, ET, then his friends, Loong. Badminton got my life back on track. I was happy. Slightly alcoholic but it was fun, it was great.

Two and a half months of uni life, I almost completely stopped drinking. I can say that I haven't been drinking for a month. But the alcoholic craving was always present. Two and a half months I've been trying to play twice on Sundays, but the arm issue stopped me. I stopped meeting them. I stopped badminton with them. Six times a week becomes once a week. And my arm still hasn't recovered. It's not getting better. The main point is, the people.

I reduced blasting music on my alone times. What to do? Hostel life, it's inappropriate to bring the speaker. It's so expensive, risky to be brought to a fucker infested hostel. But on weekends, I come home to my speaker, and I play the songs. And that's when the memories are triggered. Well I had this talk with Loong. We're like karaoke buddies, but half of his list are older gen songs, while mine are new. So we exchange good songs that we know. And when I blast music, I miss them. He used to ask me consistently if I'd join them for badminton on Sunday. Now, there was nothing left.

It was just the beginning. I promised wood that after this competition, I'd stop badminton completely for one entire month. Then I'd follow his treatment plan. I'd follow strictly and let my shitty arm heal. By that time it would be early December. Those people seemed completely gone. It's terrifying, even tho I'd get distracted during the weekdays due to studies. But when I blast music, when I get alcoholic cravings. When wood argues with me, or when... When there's just nothing in my head. I'd miss them.

It was just the beginning. The treatment plan wasn't even starting. I don't know what's with their life. I don't know if they still remember how to spell my name. I don't know how's cinnamon and ET going. I don't know if pooh and Loong finally get together(I'm pretty sure they will one day). 

Yh, ET taught you how to move on, remember? He said, no matter what, you can always count on your friends.

How do you count on friends when you're not even making friends?

It's so heartbreaking you had to take so many photos during the great times, and think, "I know that nothing lasts forever." I know that we will be close but not for long, so I have to be prepared to lose. Yes, I'm always prepared. I have one huge folder in my laptop greatly categorized. There's a folder named Moon. Another folder named ET squad. Full of photos. Photos that stopped adding. I have a folder of selected photos in my phone. One small folder with most of the group photos. Those that I'd use to reminisce when I just miss them.

Who'd knew it came in so handy that I'd view them so often in class?

You knew that nothing lasts forever, and they aren't even yours to lose.

I don't even need the photos to remember.
One day after badminton, we ate at murni. Loong said he doesn't have good appetite after baddies. So we ate, he ordered a drink. We sat there for so long. They didn't play with their King's raid game. I wonder if they're still playing? There was just me, ET, loong and pan. And they started talking about some great memories. It was like the longest ever I sat for dinner. Two hours plus, without alcohol. ET talked so much Loong finally ordered food. It was nice. Because he said, they had so much fun, and he said, next time he'd tag me along to experience them. It's nice to just sit there and listen, even when I wasn't there, I can easily imagine the scenes. And it was hilarious.

It felt like yesterday. I guess that's it.

Let's stop this bullshit. Accept it, move on.
I already thought about what's gonna happen when the boys get married and get their own lives. It would separate them too. Don't overthink about the sad reality. Life happens, and it happens to everyone, especially you get friends who are not exactly in the same gen as you are. You get to learn some mature thoughts, but you pay for that too.

It's okay.

One month later if the arm problem remains, I'm gonna totally ignore it. Fuck my arm, I'll keep playing. Fuck it, people are more important.

Cray weekend

These two days were super odd days. Partly because Angel (my classmate) came back to pj with wood and I. Plus yesterday's argument with wood. Maybe it was just my insecurities. I was upset over Wood's way of coaching me. It even got me thinking about quitting badminton. How can I ever quit badminton? Quit badminton just to prevent arguments? That is so not me. Nothing lasts forever, I should make decisions for my own, my selfish own, not us. Because I know nothing lasts. My passion towards the non living lasts. Badminton's not gonna leave, wood would. It was really a painful thought. I cried so much thinking about these shits. And it was such a hard thing to stop and to go home. Even scary when I opened the door, Angel was sitting on the floor.

Angel stayed at my place for a day. She was pretty paiseh. But I think my family was weird enough to make her comfortable. I skipped nap for her, woke early for her. Crazy huh. But napping was postponable. Idc I slept back anyway. After violin class, we were ready to go for dinner. And Angel came home with her bf. It was a little schedule messed up. But everything was good. They joined us for dinner. Us as in my fam, and kaitoishan's fam. Her bf seems like a very independent guy. Way different from imaginary impression. I thought it was a little paiseh for them to suddenly meet my relatives, and even my grandma from mom's side. But they have their Ipoh talk that I wouldn't ever have with Grandma. Crazy! Angel was showing a lot of wow expressions. She said our fam is so arty. And that I have loads of talents. It's actually not true. I know that. Our fam was cray.

Dinner is well. Kaitoishan brought his gay friend Hen along. I met him for the second time. The guy was still doing AS. Tough thing, but he seems cool. The atmosphere was pretty good. I briefly introduced my mother side to them. Cray. It was a long meal. Then we went back home. Angel and her guy are both pretty talkative and socialable. It's good. I think. Super good. My mom had so much convo with her, with him too. He opened up to us, and actually told us about why our dinner was enjoyable to him. That laughter. That happiness and jokes. It's fun. And he never had that because his fam was mentally separated, with his slow bro. And because of the bankruptcy, he wasn't stable to further study. I got the wrong idea before.. I thought it was his decision not to continue. Sympathy. I suddenly feel really sorry for him, but happy that he's doing well. I hope life gives him loads of luck. He's a hungry guy. I never had the chance to think how lucky I am. I'm really lucky to have a fam that's this... Crazy. I'm lucky that our fam is fun and talkative. Gosh...

Life is good, I hope I manage it better.

After they left, my sis and I had a talk. She told me about her little student that laughed about anything, and another student that wants to learn aural. And about poon. She's a fierce violin teacher that's always fierce. I said, that's wrong in all ways. Then she said, but she has her good side. She speaks to the students' parents to tell them how to help them improve. She teaches them seriously because she wants them to improve. Actually, if that's the case, it's good. This world has so many teachers who only briefly teaches and not care about the students if they're learning.. That sounds just like wood. Trying to teach me, but I did interpret it wrongly. I overthink, I screwed. I'm sorry. You want me to improve. I know. I just want you to love me more than wanting me to improve.... But I'll do this. I'll try harder, I will not quit.

I'm gonna appreciate everyone.

Fuck negativity and embrace the cool stuff.

Kaitoishan asked me, yh, so do you regret choosing BBTEI? I said, I will not let myself regret. Honestly I'm still doubtful about my choice. I'm afraid of so many shits. But at the same time, I don't have time to regret. At least I think I can't regret. As long as I live, I'll make all the time worth living. There's no such thing as wasting time if you learn something. Even if BBTEI can't get me to a high salary ideal job, as long as I learn, that's worth the time anyway.

Arm

As the amount of times I play badminton reduce greatly... Yes it gets better. My arm gets better. At the same time, I get fatter. I get tired easily. I'm always super tired. I don't know why.

I feel the need to get back to court. It's just not right. Fucking hell. It hurts more to not play. Why is it not really completely recovering? I did everything he told me to do. I rest, I work out on the parts that are weak, but it's not gonna heal. Isn't it?

This is why, when I say "they will never get better," I mean it. It's not a curse. It's fact. Even breaking up heals better than this arm shit. Terrible.

No more badminton

Maaaaybe it's not a good idea to play badminton for three days consecutively like that. Well, due to tsunami plus sick plus exams, I skipped training. I skipped everything. Two weeks without badminton can really kill. But not playing then playing back could kill more. It was addicting, it was satisfying. But I could feel my entire body screaming stop.

Friday night, ankle screamed.
Saturday training replacement, ankle screamed louder, then arm starts to say stop. Midnight I told wood, I really miss them, I wanna join badminton a bit. He said, okay we'll join. I didn't expect that answer. Loong said it was full slot tho.
Sunday training, arm says, fuck you I'll kill you.
It didn't hurt. It was just weak.
After training, Loong said, there are slots.

I know if I tell wood that my arm's dying, he'd kill me for still going to second round. But I miss them. So I went anyway. It wasn't thaat bad. Lifting the arm was weak. But once it's up there, I play normal.

But it's not normal at all after all these. We went for a dinner, a movie. I realized I had to use my left arm to lift my right arm. It's totally fucked up. I know. This is terribly scary. Even scarier that wood noticed me doing this in the cinema.

Do you get me? I spend a lot of effort lifting my arm to the table, but once it's on the table, cutting the chicken was effortless. It's the lifting that's problematic. Fuck.

And he told me my right arm was burning hot compared to left. Which indicates inflammation. Is that normal? ... Ice it. Ice it fucker.

I'm actually really sad that I got my arm fucked.

I wonder what really caused this. Badminton for three days? Or for two rounds today??? This is terrible. Did you hear the alarm? The signs telling me that it's over? It's over. I'm done for Loong squad. Life wants me to quit them. I stopped drinking. I stopped joining them for badminton. I feel like life officially told me that the phase with them is done. But that's not fair!

I'm so pissed.

I feel like badminton has always been the thing that impacts my life greatly. So greatly it made me the saddest and happiest person living. Everything, were caused by badminton. It all happened because of badminton. And now look at me. I think I lost a life. And life's not mario. You don't go game over and retry. You die and die forever.

So fucked up, what is life ???

......

It's my fault.

Wood

Today we had clarifications. Haha. Finally, he's taking me seriously abt the middle finger. I seriously hate people who points me with that fucker. I don't mind if you point anyone else in the world. But to me? We're not friends anymore.

We had mcd after badminton. It was nice playing badminton after around two weeks. I'm 90% recovered, only left the shitty throat.

Today we had some serious talk.

Wood asked me about if I liked the boys. Moon, Loong, ET. I told him, for Moon maybe it sparked for a very short period. Cuz I couldn't stand many of the things he do, sparks went dead. Then for Loong, I told him that I like how gentleman he is, maybe that's all. Yeah.

He said
You definitely like ET. ET has the highest potential to be your bf. I can see how you look at him.

So this is where his insecurities come from...

I told him, nah. Maybe yes abt the highest potential. But nah. Cuz he's like a big brother. Like a long lost friend. He's the type that would never betray you. The kind of friend you'd run to and he'd be there for you. He'd see you starting to type paragraphs and straight away suggest to meet up instead.

He's fine with my answers.

It's cool how we can talk about stuff.
Sometimes I struggle to tell. There'd be battles in my heart. I'd have an inner tug of war. Usually, silence wins. But recently, we can talk.

Usually he'd melt me easily. He can make me really annoyed but make me smile back in seconds. It's cool how that happened.

It's cool how we happened.

Congratulations on patching back with your ex.
Thanks my friend. Miracles do happen when both parties work hard for it to happen. All we have to do is believe. I guess...

We're a month old. We can do better.

A levels changes people

Days are getting different. Everything is different.

Most of my friends are pretty busy studying different different things. Joker flying to Russia for medicine, class rep too but Idk what he's up to, no updates. Orange too, medicine but local. Shell doing food science, stomata going for dentistry. Me, biotech.

All is different.
My grades are different.

Okay, maybe it's A levels. Maybe A levels changed me. I think my understanding is getting better and better. At least much better compared to highschool. I talked to sis about it, highschool was like preschool. It just happened suddenly, passed suddenly.

Four subjects.

I remember how weird I've been. My science and math used to be 100% during primary school, then math gradually went down, while I failed science at form 1. I thought it was a language changing issue. It was so bad. I think going overseas to study has this risk. I'd waste all that money and time retaking shits just because I don't understand slangs. Even in local, I fucked up once. Not gonna fuck up twice.

Thanks to Wood's inspiration, I went back up. Thanks to Wood's inspiration, I realized I can do better.

Well there will always be a period that he wasn't there. During A levels. Shits happened. It has the tendency to lower my interest towards bio, and raise that of chem.

If you ask me, now, how did everything went? In among four subjects, the one I got the most stable A is chemistry. Isn't it weird? And my mind told me, yh you suck at chem so you have to be super focus during class. I did, and I thought everything was so fucking easy.

I was so nervous during lab. Thanks to A levels, I got better. During highschool I'd walk into class, do the experiments guided by my lab mates, while I actually never knew what exactly I was doing. But A levels got me clear. Even tho I'd walk into class blur, but at the spot we get the procedure, so everyone else was equally blur. On the spot, we took practical exam like that.

In uni life it's so different. We do the practical during lab. We can fuck up our experiments, we can read the procedure any time we want, as in we can study it well way before class. I'm so not used to this. I actually feel pretty comfortable walking into class then only start investigating the experiments. I can't believe I prefer walking into class being blur, then being clear as anyone else.

I think I'm changing. I'm being weird. People study beforehand. I don't. But I still think they're blurrer than I am. I never actually felt this way. I have a lab mate which is the blurrest person I've seen in my entire life. I used to think I'm so anxious abt lab. I had to depend on my lab mate, I need guidance. But now I'm the one guiding kitty??

If you ask me about my grades, I can proudly tell. Even tho I think it sucked. It sucked because the questions were soooo easy I should've gotten 100 instead of an uglier A-.

In conclusion: A levels changes people.
IT'S TRUE. IT'S FUCKING TRUE.

Or is it?

Throughout all these years, I had such an important realization. This is why my sister never lives unhappily.

This is why I'm getting more positive over time?

If you ask me, I'd say, FCUC sucks. You wanna take A levels? Go sunway. Go Help. Anywhere just don't go FCUC. But at the same time, have I regret?

No. If you ask me, actually it's not A levels that changed me. It's accumulative events including breaking up, getting to know this bunch of adult friends, and of course how tough A levels are, plus how ignorant the lecturers are. Breaking up taught me how to be alone, smiling. These adult friends taught me how to move on. A levels taught me how to think under stress and short of time. Ignorant lecturers taught me how to be independent. Everything.

If you don't rant, if you don't complain, you accept your fate, then you have the space to learn. You made your decision, you don't wanna regret, so you make everything worth your time. You learn.

At the end ask me. Do you regret?
No, I never.
That doesn't make FCUC a good school tho.

Middle

When you're in the second layer of the burger. You get tucked inside the layer just under the bread part. The one on top is just the bread part. Not to say that it's not important, but... Least important compared to the bottom meat and all. Ok, bad metaphor.

When your close friend breaks up with his girl, while the girl is also your friend. When you finally hear stories from both parties, but your heart sides your friend. Your rationality sides your friend. When you think again and again, but still couldn't think about anything from the girl's side.

I tried to think, what if my closest besties replace this girl. The conclusion is still: you hurt him. But it happens, sometimes we all became the bitch. Sometimes, it just happens.

I was pretty damn nervous when she texted me. Honey. When I know what happened, I didn't immediately texted him to ask about what happened. I didn't ask you too of course. I care about you both, but if anyone I could ask, I only could hope for the best for both of you. But I know, I'm far away. I'm here, you are there. The only thing I could do is just wait, wait for the opportunity. I feel sorry, but I can't just bug in like that, it felt wrong.

I heard his story, and I was scared that she'd text me. It happened anyway. I didn't know what to say. "You're a bitch"? We're not even that close. Maybe we are. You've seen me in my ugliest form. You've seen me cry squatting in front of a basin. You've seen me drink and gotten high. You've seen me with my love.

Maybe we are close. But I don't trust you that much, honestly. There were bad impressions. I'm sorry for judging before knowing enough. Rumors are created for a reason. There will always be some parts true there. There will always be a reason if you get hated by your home team. Bad impressions doesn't make you a bad person, but proven events that comes after it makes you one.

After all, you broke him.

Hun how can you be ready to commit then not ready? It doesn't go the other way round. If you have that issue, you don't accept the guy. You don't waste his time, his life. He could've been out there, and could've found someone way worth everything than you. And not just getting restless nights thinking about what to do with you. If you have that issue, you say no. You let yourself suffer, you don't let the both of you suffer.

I was pretty damn speechless.

Yes. There's no right or wrong. But please judge yourself. Were you right, or were you wrong?

Thank you for being honest with him tho. So he'd leave you earlier and prevent further damages. So please really leave him alone. Why don't you?

The sweetest ever

When I was little, I was a violent little girl. Okay maybe I'm still, just not in terms of actions. I used to hit boys with books. By that, I created enemies.
At that time, I thought the sweetest thing I heard from a boy was:
Don't worry, I'm here so he can't hurt you.

When I was in my first ever relationship, the sweetest thing I ever heard from him was: I'll be your first, and your last.

At my first break up, my sweetest friends were there. When I wanted to die, my very bestie was there for me to talk to. Even when one was far far away, she called from there, to make sure I was okay.

When I had a terrible argument with him, I was so down, so broken. And my very favorite bro asked me to talk to him. Tell him everything. So I did, briefly. He said, if one day I found out that he hurt you, I'll never let him live the rest of his life in peace.

The sweetest ever friends will remain. What was I afraid of? Losing them?

When you used to see each other two to three times a week, then suddenly not seeing for a month.

It seemed like I never left. I'm cutting down alcohol, but friends you can keep will always be there. They give you the most important updates because they know you care. They update, and make sure you don't miss out anything too badly.

I didn't want to bother you with these.

Hey friend. You never bother me.

What is the matter?
My phone and laptop screens are all bored at looking at me. I guess you are too, at me.

No I'm not.

I found myself easily satisfied by Wood's kisses. Haha.

You can do anything. But at the end of the day, show me that you care, show me your way of making up to me. Give me a two minute hug. Give me pecks. That would make up with the fact that I was unhappy, even.

Crazy, huh.

Change

ET texted me for a super random work related thing which I'm obviously the wrong person he was looking for. But because of that, I asked him, how's life, how's everything, is everything fine. And his response was.. pretty heartbreaking.

I finally get why wood thought he needed to help me out of some shits I got myself into.

A person who's always telling you to not club and drink much, who sees your fast food and mamak snaps while worries crazily about your health... When she started drinking and all, skipping meals, cursing her own fucking life to end immediately, just after what you've done and she gets so fucked up that alcohol helps her release the shits, the tears and the words she couldn't speak of in front of people......

The most talkative and cheerful friend who has always been a big brother to you who helps you get over your living nightmares, help you live without fear by sitting with you in a car at 4am for an entire hour just to heart talk to you, so they disappear eventually, and to bring you out for a short night just to figure out how to let you be okay again... when that friend starts to get his own nightmares because of his traumas... That he gets antisocial and untalkative... You can sense the shatter in those texts, those "no worries".. 

When the boy you looked up to, the brightly shining senior who gets his transformation which shared his story that inspired you to reach where you are right now.... starts to give up hope on studies.... Playing games before exam dates and says "this is not my field".. what happened to everything is possible? What happened to as long as the shuttle has not touch the ground, you go for it? What about sleep when you're done, not when you're tired?

Wood's saw me going corrupted. He probably pulled me out of that. He pulled me out of alcohol addiction. He pulled me out of "everything and everyone is temporary." For now. Okay he hasn't pulled me out of that. Now I believe that he loves me and he will stay, but that doesn't count if it's three years later.

Look at the people change. Even arrogant. He's getting slow! That's too unlike him. I don't know. I don't usually get impatience with him, but I did just now.

I think my life has got to a very beautiful climax. Wood is with me. I'm happy. I miss the Loong ET squad but we'll catch up soon. Shell and orange has gone to study, joker is leaving soon. Everyone is busy.

Destiny doesn't want my life to be perfect. That's why I'm always an average student. I guess... No matter how hard I work, it it exceeds the point, I get sick. Like how it happened now, like how it happened during A2. It doesn't want me to study that much. It wants me to stay low, stay average, stay a suckish student. I'm gonna have to prove life wrong.

And the others?

Wood is facing things. He's so hopeless I'm feeling so fucking worried. I wanna earn money to get him to his dreams. For that I have to work harder to get a better result. I've been thinking about Angel's freelance offer too. I get free training, and it earns a lot. Damn lot. I've been thinking about money. This is not my field. Then what is your field? Quit this and go for it. Better than hanging around fucking everything you're doing rn... It breaks me to see him like that. It kills me. It's like sitting at the corner of my room banging on the door, being helpless about him when he was at the ER from stupid fucking dengue. That's the worst feeling ever. I rather get sick like this. Like this rn and trade the shit pathogens back to me from him. I don't know what I can do.

ET case. I don't really know what happened. But I know it happened really recently. I know he's having quite some hard time. I know she's having a hard time too. He said we'll catch up soon. I hope we will. When I was down and quiet, he talked to me so much, and I was just listening. I had problems with speech. I was mind full of voices shouting right at me but I wasn't speaking out. Even tho he didn't get me to talk much, he helped. It was a weird case because I was his listener, and it wasn't that he needed to talk, instead, I needed to listen. It all helped. But I don't know what I can do to help.. maybe that's the barrier between me and much elder friends. He's like my super super super senior. I'm not supposed to talk much, I mean... What am I that he should listen? Listen from 19 year old girl? That doesn't sound right. I'm sorry that I'm always full of thoughts, but never expressing in front of you guys. I didn't think I should.

It kills, to see two very important people in my life getting sad. Getting hopeless. It kills that I'm only witnessing it.

The way wood helped me couldn't help him. He gave me advices, but when I turn it around and used the same theory back on him, the conclusion is always the same. He thinks it's impossible. Once you think it's impossible, you kill all the possibilities, the chances, even if its 0.0001% chance, you killed it. Idk how to help him unkill it. He'd say, money doesn't fall from trees. If there's a will, miracles could happen.

I never thought of getting back with wood. I thought after that drinking night with pineapple, after that long rant text that I replied to you, you will stop disturbing me. You'll stop sticking your annoying nose into my life and fuck my mood. I thought I made you leave. And I was quite okay with it, as I already never had hope in stuff. But dear wood you came back. You came back for me even tho I was so hard to be with. I killed the chance because you killed it. Then you unkilled it, and helped me to do that too.

What can you say about impossible? I say it's impossible for me to spend any minute with someone who hurt me. How can I ever forgive what you've done?

But I still could.

If you don't give yourself a crazy rush time limit... If you allow yourself to earn and load and find good sponsors, why is it impossible to get money???

I'm going crazy. Good thing exams over.
Oh gosh when was the last time I spammed here ?

Getting over things

I know I used to not have good impressions on Cinnamon. She was a wild girl. She is, a wild girl. Wild girls are pretty great to be friends with, but hard to handle. Hard to be in relationship with. If you ask wood, he'd probably agree with that.

I used to be a slightly wild minded girl. He succeeded to keep my wildness in my mind. When we broke up, all hell broke loose. I could fly so high, I didn't want anyone. I didn't want an anchor holding me down. It was soooo addicting. It was like a drug. Like alcohol. It's unhealthy but fucking fun. If you look at Loong you would know. He'd been wild for so long... Sometimes I hope he finds a nice great girl that makes him quit drinking. I seriously hope he has a long great life.

Being back with wood, he was really mind soothing. Lol. I have no idea how to describe stuff. Every fight we've went tru ended well. It was usually tiny misunderstandings. He listens to me. Oh my god. He really does. He told me to be honest with him, so I did. One day I told him, wood, just so you know, whenever I'm quiet, I'm never quiet. My mind was always loud. If you yell at me, I wouldn't wanna talk to you, but in my head I talk to myself. I ask myself the questions that I can't answer. But at the end, I will get over it. These two years being alone, I learnt how to handle life. ET taught me. He didn't actually taught me, tho. He told me stories about his little past experiences. He told me, that I deserve more. He told me to look at people that has been through shits and why they can live with a big smile, a happy life.

Because they fucking move on. Yeah. He said I deserve to have a big smile on my face. He said that I'm still 19. It doesn't sound right for me to have that kind of negativity, because I can allow myself to make my life worth living by making myself have hope again.

Wood was always worried about me overthinking stuff. Sometimes I do get pissed when he was slightly rude. But after a couple of shit thoughts, I would be staring at road signs, cars, car plates, trees. I'm so good at distracting myself. The theory that ET developed in me worked. If it didn't, I could've failed A2. I could've died. I can never reach where I am rn. Crazy, right?

It was good change, I thought. Even tho I'm still always expecting that good things never last... It didn't keep me mourning at the same spot. I kept going. I had to.

So I believe he will be fine.

I'm very sorry for not being there. Sorry for not hearing the news directly from you. I'm sorry for being the friend that has stopped looking for you guys. I didn't want to... You have no idea how terrible I feel rn, for being told like this. I don't even have the balls to text you to ask how's stuff. I duno why am I worth telling. I'm not. I'm just a terrible friend. Maybe it's because of the age gap we'd never be that close.

There's nothing more I can say. The only thing I can do is quickly do the things wood told me to, to fix my arm problem. Then I'll get back to badminton. I'll get back with you guys.

I'm sorry that I don't know what happened. I wish you're alright.
Yeah. If the guy helped me live a life without nice expectations with a huge smile on my face, I believe he can get through this too. That's what makes me feel slightly relieved. Mature people will always be fine, they will find a way to get over.

Life aren't horrible.
Horrible is life.

I miss them

My life has officially been turned upside down. I felt like the past two years disappeared entirely. I officially accepted wood back. I officially declared, I'm suddenly away from single and free and crazy wild life.

I miss them tho. I've never break the snap streaks. Still in contact with the A level bois.

Yip man them, of course. Rivergrass too. We talked a little recently. But that's pretty much enough for updating purposes.

Life has been busy, I miss them. The badminton squad. F9 squad. Loong squad. Idk when's the last time I saw Gold. Idk when's the last time I heart talk with ET. Idk what's Moon up to.

Sometimes in the middle of the night.
In the middle of a 2pm lecture.

I'd swipe through those photos. I'd hear their voices. Those laughters. My head would picture their smiles.

I miss them. I skipped a week of Sunday badminton because Wood wasn't free to fetch me that late, plus he hoped that I skip that session because of my bad arm. And this week we shouldn't be playing too much too cuz we both have a test on Monday.

But I miss them. After this week it would be the second week without badminton with them. Crazy, huh.

I had to squeeze my brain to remember what they said.
Loong said, he'd not let me go on my birthdays.
ET said, when they organize trips, he'd drag me along and let me have some new explorations.
He said, we're not the kind of friend that are gonna be hanging around for one to two years.

Yeah.

Believe them. Please. Yh.

He said, you're supposed to rest, because I didn't tell him the arm issue earlier and now it's worsening.

It scares me when he said, you'd not be able to lift your arm if you kept ignoring the weakness.

I'm not losing contact with them. I'm just taking a break.

"What makes you accept him back?"

Having this coming out from my diminish actually stings. I'm sorry.

Life told me, everything is temporary. This is why I took loads of photos with the gang. This is why, I took loads of photos with wood rn. I believe they will be gone, but still, I risked and got close to them.

Life are gonna take people away.
But I'll always remember them.

Hopefully it doesn't take my arm. If it does, Idk what channel I have in common with the squad.

Alcohol? You gotta be kidding me.

ET said, you're coming back every week for now, but that would be temporary. At the end, you'd have friends there and forget all of us.

No I won't. I might seem like I have, but I won't! You have no idea.

The idea of everything is temporary.
To think of it, ET was one of the people that helped me tru the two years. And this is how I developed his perception towards life.

It's heartbreaking how matured people would have a slight negative thinking, just because they've gone tru some real shits. I'm glad that they're happy, and able to accept people even with that mindset. It must be pretty hard.

.

I realized sometimes I cry and cry, and punch the metal cabinet, hit the wall. Then I thought so hard, why am I being frustrated? Am I sad? Or mad? No. I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me.

So I blog, and blog, I typed out a little summary of what happened, only I realized.

Oh.

This is why. And the solution? There is no solution.

I allowed someone to make me feel terrible.

This is why.

I'm so scared of losing myself, then blindly telling myself how happy I'm going to be, how worthy it will be after everything.

I know that that isn't true. I know that I couldn't just let the past repeat itself. Was I happy? Yeah I was. I was fucking happy.

Is the self defense helping me ?

I don't think so anymore. Maybe this was what holding me back during A levels. This is why I don't ever connect crazily with those coursemates. I'm pretty sure it's gonna happen in uni too.

.

I'm so tired. I thought everything was going fine. i went for a trip with him. The first day he reapproached me was on the tenth of August. It was the day A2 results was out. He knew because I announced for the A levels people to check theirs.

I told myself, he approached me. I know I gave up entirely on him. He came back. Maybe I should give it one last try. If we miscommunicate again, I'll make him fuck off my life.

Everything was going fine. I know that he wants me back, but I developed a self defense system. It was safe. I controlled well. Even if I had the urge to go back to him, I wouldn't tell him. i wouldn't make this reckless decision. As long as I'm free, I'm safe from bullshits.

We were too close. That was the only mistake. We spent the no class times together, meals together. Whatever he asked, I agreed. As long as it has nothing to do about going back to him, I agreed to be close with him all these times. When he invited me to a Ipoh trip, I said yes.

And that's where shits happened. I always felt bad for his bestie. He treated her like shit. I know he cares. But she's human too. She has feelings too. She's slow, but she gets hurt too.

Everyday I told myself, if we miscommunicate, leave forever.
Everyday I told myself, don't be reckless, observe more before I make a stupid decision.
Everyday I told myself, he wants me back, of course he would try to agree with anything I say.

And this is the day.

I realized I was really scared of making him pissed.
Scared of the miscommunication. No mstter how much I tell myself not to hope, but I fucking hope that the miscommunication will not happen. I hoped that one day it doesn't take so much effort to not live that carefully around him.

Why is it so hard?
And when we had arguments, why didn't I leave him forever like I promised myself to?

These two years, one thing that developed in me was be cruel to my heart. If it's fucking up my life, say goodbye no matter how painful it is. One thing that developed in me was be good to myself and throw away all the toxic despite that addiction.

So he got back into my life and fucked this self defense system up?

Why am I so scared to love?
Because it makes us so blind! They eat our soul up and we proudly allow them to! This is what it does to me.

Believe you? I don't know. It kinda sounds like "give me the power to destroy you".

I don't believe you. But my heart wants to believe you. After what happened, I was supposed to make you fuck off my life. But look at me dumbly telling you that I want us to talk peacefully.

Can you tell what's happening ?

The thing I most afraid is going blind like how I did two years ago. I feel so fucked up right now. I'm so pissed at myself. I'm so pissed that I couldn't cruelly tell you, "Fuck off."

Miracles

When I tapped into stories and saw rivergrass's. I was stunned, and I replayed it, and replayed it. It was a short cute video.

Can a relationship that has been ended for six years revive? They did. It was so lovely. My heart full of butterflies. Please stay sweet. Gahhh too adorable 😍😭😭 I got hyped.

Wood says, look, miracles do happen.

Guess what the voice said?
If it's a happy ending, then it's not the end.

That's so cruel. I think if that voice inside voices out to happy couples, I would get punched. Hey I'm not cursing you all. I really do hope you lovely people stay sweet until the end.

He gave me a poker face.

I don't deny that it's a miracle. But it's a miracle that we worked for together.

Yeah. You're right.

I was breaking myself into pieces the past few years. Dumb as fuck. I could've just lived normally, not giving any shit to anyone. Carefreely. Then maybe life will still go normal and awesome. I didn't have to fill myself with these kinds of new "reality" thoughts and kill every single positive possibility.

I did thought of going back to him.

Ignore the voices, and give it one last try. Risk it, or I'll never know if it works, right?

I missed him. So much.
He's back to me, matured than ever.

There were so so many times I thought telling him things might piss him off. There were so many times I expected myself to get twenty stabs in the heart. But then, he bit my arm, lightly as ever. He said, it's okay. He was softer as ever. Everytime I expected myself to get some cold slap in the face, I get a light pinch and a smile.

He's back, softer. He said, in the future he would be busier. But even if the quantity reduces, the quality will be there, he said. He said, he would never give up. He said, these years he tried to go after some other people, but they didn't work, cuz it's just not right.

I don't wanna view it as him unable to find someone else then he comes back to me.
Even tho the voice may force me to think like that.

Give it a try.
Give it a try.

I think it's cool that sometimes I can feel two voices. Haha. It's starting to grow.

One side telling me not to believe.
Another side telling me to embrace him.

Wood will always win.

Miracles happen, but it takes both of us to work together for it.

It begins from me alone, of course it failed.
Now it's him alone.

I don't wanna push him away, actually...
Stubborn ass heart.

I'm so fucking conflicting.

Upside down updates.

I'm not sure what happened to us. I'm not sure what happened to my life too.

Everything's literally upside down. Wood's back around me, sweetest as ever. Moon's gone forever. But the difference is, I wasn't quite welcoming wood back into my arms. I think It trying to let go of the past. To let go of everything he did that might scare the shit out of me. I'm trying to accept that he really wasn't the same anymore. He said, when he came close to me, my heart says no. It's um.... Surprising how he can read my heart. He said, it lasts for five seconds maximum. He says, he will never give up. I remember I said that too. I said that for a year, and finally I realized it was time to let go. He will give up when he realized it too.

Moon case, I'm not sure. I'm gonna assume that I lost this friend. Maybe I was too harsh? I wasn't that harsh, I thought. I don't know. We're basically having icy cold conversation. It's like we had a big argument and we decided to end this friendship. Did we? I dont know. I only know, when he gave me a letter, I muted him. I was pissed. I only know, this recently I am really pissed at him. Pissed that he gave me a letter. Pissed that he wasn't helping at all. I thought we were appreciating each other's Kindness.

Does a relation end just because of concern? Do we screw up strong bonds from caring? One of the reasons wood broke up with me. He cared too much, and exhausted himself to his very boundary. I don't like moon's attitude. I really don't. This is why, the most we can be would be friends. But this is why, I couldn't have much confidence in this friendship. I'm sorry that I get offended easily. If I text you to ask how the fuck you are, I would never expect you to give such a rude answer. Even if it's a joke, my fault then, being annoyed at how you joke. I used to hate the way you act during badminton games. But I guess I forced myself to half accept that. You're like that, and I know you. You're not mean, you're just being you, joking in an inappropriate way in my opinion. That's none of my business. But are you gonna hate me for being easily offended? To give me a letter just because of that?

The difference between the current me and the old me, I will not swallow my pride to beg for something stupid. Everything is temporary, and I accept that.

Give me a letter and I will hate you. Because you know how much I hate that letter. I will not apologize for being such a short tempered person. You can do the things you like. Mock people. Be rude. But to intentionally do the things that you knew how much I hate it, that's unforgivable.

We are done.

I'm still assuming he wouldn't read this, according to how cold our conversations have become. I accept reality. I will be mad, very mad at you for a couple days, a couple hours. But I will get over it. I'm so glad that wood left me, and allowed my perception of reality to develop this way. I'm so glad, I can literally get over you shitty people.

I remember when it was his birthday, I was at Japan. I felt bad for not being there for him. But my heart was there anyway. My heart was there for ET, Loong, Cinnamon and also Moon. I got myself some ebony wood pieces. There I decided to carve his name.

It wasn't perfect, but ebony is one of the strongest woods in the world. I wanted to say, I meant it. Despite the cruel reality, despite how much I hate and unhate you that inconsistently, I hope you will always remember that we used to be close. I guess. I was right anyway.

Relationships never last. Friendships are no different. Everything ends.

Wood made so much effort to show that he really cares for me. I saw it, I felt it all. But still. I have this voice inside. This voice that tells me, don't fall for it. Look at your best friend. I will always believe, shits will always happen when you're at the happiest point of your life.

It's a great day today.
Which means tomorrow I will suffer.

Someone special can be the guy you call when you're so terrified.
Someone special can be the guy that pops up in to your mind once you finish busying, he could be the first one you want to run to, and update everything.
It can wait, when it didn't happen.
It can wait.

At the end, he still leaves your life.

Such a great example of reality.

Gosh, I realized I do have a little tiny hope in this friendship. I realized, there is disappointment. But there. There there, cheers to life, that you can never fall as low as I did before. Bring everything, everyone away from me and look at me being fine.

.

And suddenly I'm getting free time, sitting in an air con room, chilling. I'm starting to go blank. I think...

I'm thinking about texting him, but I know, he has an exam tomorrow. I don't, Shandy doesn't too. We're pretty free. And then... I don't know if I should text him. I'm starting to think, I don't really know him anymore.

He has a test tomorrow. If I text him, is he gonna explode and kill me? I don't know. But I'm afraid he would. I was thinking, I shouldn't judge him by the past. I shouldn't expect this and that. I shouldn't just...... I don't know. I shouldn't just assume that he'll always be him.

I think I should try to get to know him all over again. I should allow him to self intro again.

Two years back, the voice said:
We're not broken just bent.
He said he'd be my first and last, so be patience.
A year ago it changed to:
He will never come back.
Promises are temporary, sad truth bout life.
And now...
He came back. The problem is, until when?
Don't trust, don't give in.
To love is to destroy.
Love makes us blind, makes us dumb and stupid, it kills us! Fuck that shit, I'm awesome alone.

He said, he will never give up.
You will. It says, you will give up. You'll get tired of me like you did before, and you will leave. But guess what? You can't hurt me. I'm heartless. Try me.

And I feel sorry for him.
I'm sorry that people change. This is life.

I'm sorry that I wouldn't try to make efforts.
Cuz you made too much. I don't know see where we're going. We're not gonna progress from that, don't you see?

I need to reintroduce myself, that I'm a fucking negative person. Yes. I believe that promises never last. I believe everything is temporary. I'm always ready for my friends to leave. The newest ones that got close to me would know how frequent I take photos. They would know how much appreciation I showed. But when they leave, I believe that it's fate. Fate wants to end this relation, end it. Life wants to make this friend leave, bring him away. But at the same time, I accept this fate. I may be pissed, sad for a little moment. But this is also, temporary. This is something everyone should have, I believe. To save themselves from damage..

I'm sorry that it breaks you seeing the way I'm different. But look, I'm happy, aren't I?

.

When the world gives you everything you wanted. You wanted an okay result, you wanted your ex to come back to you. But you no longer want that. You adapted to change, in order to make it tru that shitty time. You learnt to be alone, to party, to be happy just by being yourself.

You finally get all you wanted.
But that's not how, right?

We evolve, we don't reverse evolution. Survival of the fittest. You became fit, and you got thrown back to the old environment.

Let's just say, I forget all the shits that happened in the past.
Everyone has to learn to forgive and forget, in order to move on. What if I finally did it? And it didn't want me to.

I tried. I want to feel again. I allowed you to pick up my cold hands. There was nothing. It's not there anymore. I'm so sorry.

Idk what happened to me.

I can look at you, admire you the same, even more, whenever you motivate, whenever your passion shows. You're still that fucking attractive when you help people.

I thought, this is how I felt before I fell for you.

Is it possible to fall for someone for the very second time right after all hopes and dreams have died off? Is it possible to regain all that faith?

I don't even do anything when I had crush on people. I feel so empty, so empty that I don't feel like doing anything to fix that.

I taught myself, when shits happened, tell yourselves, "This is life." And move on. This is how, how we survive. Isn't it ?

I no longer feel anything when you tried to hold me, or hug me, there was nothing at all...

You know I'm done with love, when I started saying things like this when I was drunk.

Have you ever gotten so disappointed you give up to the point where it's just... Nothing anymore ?

I'm so sorry people. I'm not sad. I'm not unhappy or anything, it's been the second week of degree, and life has turned upside down. Everyone started throwing me questions, and I'm starting to say "meh" to everything. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I finally understand why, rivergrass once told me that it wasn't a good thing to not get affected by things.

Because you forget how to feel.

.

I find myself filled with stupid unnecessary fears.

What's gonna happen when Wood sees me? Are we gonna wave and smile? Or are we gonna walk past each other like nothing happened?

Should I tell him that I passed? Should I talk to him a little before I go?
Experiences told me, do not. Do not text him.

But wouldn't it be mean?

He would be mean if I text him, cuz it would look like I'm desperate.

So I leave like this? I go to him without saying anything?

I had a bad dream about a guy trying to murder me. He killed my friend there, while I fell face down, a floor down, facing some stuff. He thought I was dead, but I just fucked my face, so I had to go tru some stuff and become a new person.

I'm getting bad dreams daily. Again. This is like two years ago man. Felt like something bad's gonna happen.

Ugh..

Stop being worried about uni.

A levels reuslts

I just got my A levels results. Last night after badminton I was already trying to check them. But they weren't released yet at that time. I thought, maybe it's the UK time zone. It's not the release date yet.

Idk how to describe my feelings rn.

I felt I might fail. I was so worried I might fail everything just like how I failed them all during trials. But I told myself, I wasn't prepared for trials. But was I prepared for A2? I was sick. I was sick when I stayed up every fucking night destroying my immune system, just to stuff all that knowledge firmly into my head. I did that halfway and I was down. Was I prepared for A2? I wasn't, too. I was prepared for bio, that's all. Maybe that's why, my bio for A2 was just 2 marks away from AS. This tells me that I can do better for AS. I could've gotten an A if I did better for AS.

I wasn't really strong at chem. All I can say is.... I definitely improved a lot. But that's not enough. But to think of it, I was physically half dead right afrer bio paper. I didn't have much hope for chem. So this result is supposingly satisfying. But another few marks I could've gotten a B. I did better than SPM tho. That's for sure.

Math? I always thought I'm failing math. But I didn't. Ok I almost failed it. I'm relieved I didn't get an ugly U. U means no marks given. Means less than 40. Means fail. I got a score. An ugly one, but at least I got one.

I meet the requirements to uni. It's not borderline meet. It's firm.

"Won't meet exactly but will exceed."
He said.

You were right. I exceeded. In average, I needed around 20 marks to fail each subject. My scores aren't close to failing. Why was I even so afraid of failing? Because of trials? Or getting sick for the entire month? I wish I can get back my paper. Wish I can see what I got wrong. Ugh. I wanna crai. I seriously thought I did so so bad for chem. It was fucking hard. Omg. Everything was hard. But chem paper made me want to die afterwards.

Thank you for having such confidence in me, when I didn't have it. Oh gosh thank you for believing in me.

Text us if it's good news, don't if it's bad news.
I hope I text you guys...

They're awesome peeps.

If I fail, I will see you guys next Wednesday.

I guess that's it......

.

Maybe I have an issue. Maybe I have a seasonal mood swing. I honestly don't really know what's wrong with me. It's August it's just August. Maybe there's a time of the year I start being a useless shit. I should lock myself in my room and stop human interaction. There's always this period that all my drafts, my posts became a tiny fullstop. There's always this period...

I feel like I've been hurting people. I walk around, whenever I start to speak, I hurt someone. I'm starting to feel sorry for people around me. Why am I like this? I'm not supposed to be like this.

I spoke harsh to mom, to grandma. I get annoyed so easily. I felt like I'm starting to stop conversations. I last seened my bestie. I gave ine word replies to people that care about me. I scolded my friend. I was pretty unhappy with so many people. What is wrong with me???

Somehow I thought maybe I shouldn't go out anymore. I should stop hurting people with my shitty words. I should stop talking. Stop existing.

Ugh. I'm starting to think, if this moment I go for drinks I'd start cursing all the way. Just like I did on that day.

LA's supposed to help me. Seems like it's losing power.

I don't wanna fuck up my fist again just for someone unworthy like you.

That's like the meanest thing that's appeared in my head for so long, I'm glad I didn't say it out loud.

.

What are you doing after this trip?
Fall into crippling depression.
I laughed, then realized, he wasn't kidding at all.

I realized, shits happen when people starts overthinking. There was a time, I thought I was overthinking the whole situation. It wasn't completely because of me overthinking anyway. We've gone tru hardshits. He was stressed. The stress passes down to me. Therefore I was stressed.

One very fucking sad song with a fucking emotional music video triggered it all. I was being desperate. That probably annoyed him. The more he avoids, the more I thought, I was losing him. So I was right.

I did wrong. What's the point realizing you did wrong after every shit you've done?

I can't say that I don't ever punch my rage out of everything. I never punched blood out of my fist tho, this is definitely new. When wood was with me. When I was fucking depressed without wanting anyone to know, I got my fist swollen. Haha. Boys will be boys. I can never tell much about him. I'd ruin his image towards my fam, and he wouldn't like that. So I guess I chose to tell the walls. Walls wouldn't hurt people. It hurts me back. Haha. Good wall.

It stopped happening for a very long time. I can't remember the last time I got my fist swollen. Oh well,

Idk what's happening out there. I'm at my comfort zone. My room, my paradise. Maybe mom's ran away from home. She did that all the time anyway. Such a fucking great way to escape. If I were her, I wouldn't drive myself somewhere alone to cry. I'd get myself some drinks, I'd get fucking happy and spend a night alone, maybe. She's just pure dumb.

No one's gonna be there for you. You gotta be there for yourself.
Yeah someone's gonna be there for you. But eventually, they get tired of your bullshit. So if you don't pick yourself up, nobody will.

This is what my first breakup taught me anyway.
Your first love is the first one who breaks your heart.

In your case, that would be dad.

.

I fucking hate this shit. Sometimes I question myself, why do shits keep happening? These recently. I've got off a plane. I've got back from several trips. I'm fucking thankful that I have a perfectly normal fam and a grandma who can cook so well, so well that I'm happily willing to turn down dinner night outs with some friends that I might not even see them ever again.

When life gives you different choices. You get to choose. You feel like you've been distant from being away so much, you miss squad A. You get to choose, squad A or squad B. You do know that you're almost never gonna see squad B anymore. So which one?

I miss grandma's dishes, but I miss them all too, birthday meals are still on. But am I doing too much? Are they necessary?

My mind tells me to keep the shits to myself. Stay out of business, stay happy, stay contained. I was pretty bored after all those trips. I kept thinking bout the things I should've done. I'm supposed to be reading up on new syllabuses. I'm supposed to be looking up on interns just in case. I'm not supposed to miss anyone else who's been living their life busily.

But sometimes, shits come to us. They give you a pair of teary eyes, begging you for help when you know there is nothing you can do. They force your nose out and yell for help. They make your blood boil and put you into a situation where you say something wrong and you get all the blame. I didn't even say anything.
I'm supposed to be fucking sad to leave home cuz I would miss them all. I'm supposed to be spending the time super fucking wisely just so I know I do a good job appreciating all of them friends and fam. But can you believe it? I can't wait! I can't wait to leave! I thought I was scared. Scared that I might be too antisocial and not get any super duper close friends like how it went in A levels. I'm supposed to be scared of the dark, scared of sitting alone just because I've been watching too much horror movies that I pee being fucking alert at all times.

I can't wait to leave. You know?

Mom. I know you have a fucking fucked up tough life. But partly, that's your fault! You don't have to do this. You don't have to stick your nose out of everything and blame yourself when life aren't going the way it should be ! So leave it. Love is a choice. Maintaining a relationship is a decision. Dad is a fucking boss. He wouldn't let go pride for anything. You don't tell me your shits. Cuz I can't fucking help you. You will ruin my idea of forever, oh wait you don't even have to, cuz my EX did that already. Nothing's gonna last forever so leave it. So accept it. Stop telling me. I can't help you. I can't help the way grandma is mean to your mom too. I can't help. Yes indeed you feel helpless. And when you tell me, you fuck up my day, that's all. Stop. Let me go.

Going on trips

I wanna talk about the two places. Ok recently I've been to three places. Taiwan, Japan and Penang. I guess I already talked about the chaoticness in Taiwan.

Tbh...... It's always chaotic, wherever I go. There's always dramas, dramas, dramas. Japan, it would be aunt.

I remember when I was young, I always threw tantrums on her. I hated her very much, but I didn't remember why. After this trip, I remember.

She's a very straightforward and short tempered person. That sounds fine, right? But going on a trip depending on her, that's not fine. Of course, we all tried our very best to tolerate her, to ignore every mean thing she said. We tried to treat her right. To accept that she's just aged and grumpy. But I did said something mean back to her.

Living under stress wasn't pleasant at all. You can look at all the photos I've posted. The selfies, the smiles, getting lesser and lesser. I thought I was doing fine. I thought I could manage a week under someone like this. I remember, at the very day 7, my sister talked to mom loudly, warning her that we'd get scolded if we delay. I told sis, speak softer and dont let aunt hear us. She said, she wants to let her hear.

The very last day, she threw my book. And I said,
Do you think I bring my book for you to throw?
I remember stomping across the room to get it back, then blasting loud music in my earphones. The stomping was satisfying cuz Japan houses are made of wood.

I know, I did wrong. But I was really damn fucking pissed tho. You can treat me like shit, you can talk to me like a slave. But you do not touch my belongings. You don't treat my stuff like shit. I can accept the shit, but I won't tolerate when you treat them that way.

I'm pretty sure, somewhere I did said, Japan trip was finally over. In some ways, it's a relieve. I'm glad it ended. I'm glad I get my freedom back, and I could finally breathe without being alert that I might do anything wrong and get dissed in anyway.

Honestly, I really don't hate her. In many ways, I do know how to convince myself how to be okay when humans are being bitches. But well...... There aren't always great times.

How about Penang? There are smaller dramas. Dramas just within my own damn head tbh.

It's the gay couple. Five of us went to a trip. Me, shell, hoodie, class rep and his bf. It was pretty okay when everyone's energetic. But near the end of the trip, the couple was getting lazier and lazier. We bought a thirty ringgit bus pass, and we get a week of unlimited bus service. They started wanting to call Grab instead. Oh that's actually fine. You wanna waste money and drag all of us to do that with you guys, that's pretty fine. But then. There are five of us. I can't believe you're willing to lie and lie, and lie, put up a show, pretend that you never know the law. How would 19 year old teens not know the law? Plus you're even lying about your age. I'm pretty okay to go for Grab, but to lie about it just to save money from calling a six seated Grab? That's unethical. That's fucked up. You want to save money? Take bus, the one we all payed for at the first day of the trip. I can't believe it man... It's all tolerating the babies. The oldest ones act like the most immature ones.

They decided to exclude orange from the trip, just because she was whiney from the level of tireness we had from the last trip. I know, walking this much, is indeed tiring. I was tired too I just didn't make any noise. She did a tiny complain and she's out. I think the couple did much worse than she did. All she did was telling us that she has to rest. But the couples, they found an easy way out, to drag all of us down the unethical route. Which one's worse?

I'm pretty sure I had a mind full of thoughts, but I didn't really show. I don't think I can go out with gay couples anymore. I'm a terrible friend.

I dislike immature old kids treating me like a kid. But I know you're 9 years older than I am afterall, so I should definitely tolerate you like my aunt.

Maybe I'm just better going solo. Or an ever smaller group. Four girls is better than a gay couple plus two girls one guy. Or maybe I just couldn't tolerate the unethical part. Treat me like a kid and I'd slowly disrespect you. But go unethical, I judge you in my heart, and I guess that'll be the last trip we'd go together. I'd proudly be excluded, maybe it's a good thing orange didn't go, they might have conflicts.

I'm so happy to be home. It's not that all the trips sucked. It's just...... Living a life without trips are tiring enough. It makes me return home and feel the house full of peacefulness. It makes me miss my grandma's cooking and my sister's mess.

In this trip, I think I connect the most with hoodie. He's a very innocent guy. I'm happy he started telling me things when he was sober. And he told me even more when he got tipsy. We drank, twice. The second time, I took his drinks. We weren't that good at lying dices, but I didn't wanna lose just to let him drink lesser. I'd rather let him lose and I take his drinks. I don't get how he gets tipsy tho. Five bottles, and the two boys drank with ice. How did he get tipsy??? He confessed to me tho. He confessed that he's given up. So it's cool that he tells. Thanks for telling me. I knew them earlier anyway, but it takes balls to do that. You're innocent AF, but definitely manly than the couple. I hope life doesn't turn you into a jerk. And like you say, let's stay friends. We're that cool.

I connect more with shell too. She's too adorable. In among five of us, I think the most manly ones are actually shell and I. I mean, mentally. Physically, of course, hoodie and class rep's bf win. Then it'll be me. Haha. I do hope we stay in touch. 😭😭

So when people ask, how's your holiday? How's Jap? How's Penang? I'd say, it's awesome. It was awesome, just if we ignore the shits....

Shore talk

We're having a penang trip. Five days trip. I thought it was too crazy long but oh well...

Many inner thoughts. There's just five of us, me, shell, hoodie, class rep and his bf. This is a very extremely weird couple. Especially his bf. Idk how else to describe him besides weird. But class rep's weird too sometimes. I guess it's a nice match.

That day they brought us to a bar. I thought the price was okay, but it wasn't actually that okay. but at least we get to have free snacks. That day, I realized hoodie seems pretty sed. Class rep told him, let's enjoy these five days and not think about shits.

I used to think, I'm not really connected to my coursemates and Idk why. No matter how much I try, it's not there. I thought, we may look close, but that's just how it looks. I find it hard to start conversations. I'd have to avoid awkwardness and start it anyway. How do we start?

How's life.
What are you doing after this trip.

Hoodie says, falling into crippling depression.

Today I talked to him. I guess I felt bad whenever everyone speaks in Chinese and he couldn't understand. I told him about ET squad, Loong squad, moon, etc. Then he told me about his crippling depression. His parents. His mom sounds like me tho. The me before breaking up with wood. The me who was desperately needing his trust. I'm a free soul. I can't be tied up. I can, maybe. But there's a limit.

We both were wrong.
He shouldn't put all his stress on me, making my day terrible, suffocated.
I shouldn't get affected by his treatment, I knew how stressed he was.

He asked me, which one's priority? Love or freedom?
I think both. If you love someone, you give them the freedom. If they love you back, they should know their boundary, they will not let you feel insecured at all. That's how. You trust.

It's pretty sentimental.

Just sitting by the shore, legs dangling. The breeze was crazy. There was so much saltiness in the air. Haha. Great talk, hoodie. This is like the first time listening to your inner voice. The reason of your crippling depression.

To me, going on a vacation with people that you're not completely connected with, is to connect. You bond. Of course, you enjoy, but speaking it out would make you enjoy even more afterwards, isn't that right?

Seaweed says he's going on a trip to Taiwan with peeps he doesn't even connect with. It's like my case tho. I said, don't sigh, just go. Maybe there's a chance to get closer?

And these type of conversation is how.

.

I can't believe this. Mom bought clothes for us. It's Tshirts again, but.... Nice Tshirts. I look hideous tbh. I was putting on those clothes, thinking why this couldn't match that. Why this couldn't match this. Why ? I have to go shopping. I need blue jeanish shorts, maybe that could go well.

But then again if I think hard... I already have them. I just couldn't fit in them. Honestly, if I have that fucking perfect body, everything would match everything. Fuck.

All I have to do is fucking lose weight. Yeah. I don't need to buy anything. Just fucking lose weight.

I have to admit, I'm getting fat. Day by day, I never really controlled my diet. I started ab workout from YESTERDAY right after weighing myself. Fuck this! I don't get how my motivation died.

It's worst when people you never met for a long time says that you're fat behind your back. Hey. I rather you say it directly to me, that would make a deeper stab, maybe you'd make me quit supper ever since.

Or maybe all I have to do is just......

Quitting beer.

I think it's fucking sad. When you discovered another thing that you really like, but you couldn't continue to like it. It makes me fat, as fast as spaghetti does, but then again, if I workout daily, can I still drink?

To think of it, I've only known ET and Loong for probably around nine months. Fuck. That's not long at all. But it felt like I've known them for so long. Probably because we often meet up. So I've started drinking for seven months.

I think it's inevitable tho. Everything in life lingers around that. Not gonna explain how and why. Oh well today I had a realization.

Every Wednesday after class I'd walk to the end of the row of shops, and sit there. There was nothing much, just a kopitiam with terrible food. I'd read my book, and play my phone. There'd be two person hanging around too, each constant Wednesday. Well today they told me to go over and sit with them. I went, so we talked.

They work in the pub. It's pretty obvious, cuz the guy wears a Tshirt with "Asahi" printed there. The people around there drinks a lot. I'm not joking. The whole fucking row of shops,,,, half of them are bars and bistros. Even when it's not, you can get alcohol easily there. There's even a shop called "Wine kaki". A very cool place. Whenever I passed by, the entire shop is decorated with wine bottles. It's filled with wine! Fucking high end shits. 

I remember when I was little, dad said these places are dangerous. Only adults are allowed to enter. Now I know, that's not exactly true. Lol. You still get to see older peeps struggling to open the whiskey box. You get to see peeps just drinking sparkling juices or tea. There's even a cupcake shop, and a CAT CAFE. I should visit there someday. But I felt like it's not possible anymore. I'm going away.

Many things aren't possible anymore.

Sometimes I'd imagine myself in uni, staring at the walls just because I couldn't blend in. What if I couldn't blend in? Before I went to college, I was so afraid at the same thing, I took every opportunity to go out with them. It was like... Like a business meet thingy. Maybe this is why I never really got super close besties like those from highschool? Maybe this is why. Maybe I just didn't let my heart connect with theirs. I suck. Ugh.

But then again, I will get new friends. Maybe I have to trust people. People are gonna betray us. They'd judge us. But this is a good risk. Right? At least there is a chance of getting true friends. Why am I thinking so much?

There are people I care about right now. People that makes me appreciate the time being here rn. Come on. I'll get a new life there and I'll enjoy it. Maybe I won't miss here so damn bad.

They aren't gonna fade away. We'd still play badminton. They'd still invite me along to drink. We'd go out randomly for supper, or maybe just to talk and talk and talk. We gonna singk, we're gonna have fun.

Fucking oblivious. Why am I like this. Zzz ish.

Today's badminton is like the second last time with them. It makes me fucking sad tho. Even tho I don't know this weds squad so well. They're still nice, if we notice.

There's organizer, his sister, Sing, Z, Jef. I'm probably never seeing them soon after I start degree. Haih. Ish. They've played for 10 years, I asked. So 3 years aren't that long. I'll be gone for a bit, but I'll be back every sem break, every tiny holiday. And it'll be awesome.

Gah. Stahp ok sleep.

Catch ups

I kept reminiscing about Sunday, Loong's very tipsy wild attitude. It was hilarious. Damn. But then again, I think he did revealed some of that wildness when we hang around after badminton...

Did you think we were gonna let you go on your 21th birthday?
With that expression. I'll remember that. Definitely.

Somehow I'm pretty nervous. What are they gonna do? Make me drunk? That would be my second year to degree. Will I still be here? Will I choose a twinning program thingy and fly off? I have no idea.

Today I went out with LCW. Well, it was supposed to be last Thursday. Life was busy. Mom booked my evening too, but he asked to postpone, so I gave the night to mom. I wonder why, how do I stay occupied during this break? I go out with friends, so much. I can't believe it. Haha.

Before that, I weighed myself and finally found the motivation to begin abs workout. Yeah. I stopped for awhile. Terrible, eh? I found videos, ways. I have to maintain that shit until I get my body back. Faaak. Aaaaand then I went out for fattening food.

It was good catch up. Even tho sometimes I might ask myself, is it a good idea to go out with a guy? My last mistake was terrible. Going out with one guy is very extremely dangerous. We never know what their intentions are. Even if they don't have intention, going out with a guy means...... Telling him I feel pretty secured with you.

I can't believe we really actually bumped into Moon when we went for second round. I half expected that tho. He didn't look surprise at all, weird. Bleh. We drank. Ok not we. Just I drank. One small amount wouldn't do harm.

Catching up with LCW.... Seems different. He's like one of my oldest friends who knew all about my past. I used to hate prefects so much, when he stood at the opposite side, I smashed him every opportunity I could, just to release the grudge I have against prefects. I'm glad he made me unhate him. Haha. He's a crazy god-like person. The one who couldn't really fail anything. The example of someone who's definitely gonna success like crazy.

Back home I was trying to make up with my fam. Dad, especially. I made him watch Legend of the blue sea. Great laughing therapy. Then moon came.

AH I KENOT. I'm not kidding. I have a lot, a lot to update. I'm not sure what you know yet and what you knew. But there's so much I didn't tell you yet. I just hate using whatsapp tbh. Telling face to face is just much better. Look at how I suddenly could bear the shit weather just now. Trust me, if you can stand it, I'd talk a lot more. Ahaha.

Until next time. :3 GAH. I can't believe we hadn't been meeting up for this long that I couldn't finish spilling everything.

Maryland

I just got back with smelly badminton attire. But I have to type a little before I bathe. I guess.

If Loong and gold confesses, who'd you pick?
I didn't give him an answer.
I said, ask me again when we're drinking. Haha.

Today wasn't so tense. Everything was ok, except my form. I played very badly, but this quite old looking guy I met kept telling me he's impressed. Hey. I really am in a terrible form. Don't come praising me. I know how terrible I played. ET saw that too lol. I guess he was most familiar with my playing.

Swt brought a girl. I'll call her Maryland. Yas, chicken Maryland. HAHA. She's just slightly younger than everyone else but actually the most innocent one there. It's fun seeing ET interrogating her. Very funny, and entertaining. So fun to watch. And the stuff she studied was partly related to what I'm gonna study. Nais.

It wasn't awkward seeing ET and cinnamon acting lovey dovey. I actually got used to it. And I think it's nice to see him happy. If not mistaken, there was once I heard him laugh. Not the crazy laugh out loud laugh. The very gentle laugh that I never heard before they got together. Let's hope she doesn't let him down.

The quite old looking guy wants to partner me to competitions. I needed to facepalm in my heart. Sorry to say, we wouldn't stand any chance. I spent enough money on playing, not gonna waste more on matches that we can't win. He found the wrong girl. We don't stand any chance. I think he overestimated himself too tho. Not gonna tell.

Today I succeeded on not having supper. It was pretty hard to resist. But I had to convince myself. I didn't play good enough, so I can't eat. ET said I'm looking rounder. Mom said that too. I'm sed. This week is like the last damn chance to keep that fucking weight.

Anyways today's overall highlight was Maryland. I thought it was hard to find innocent girls like her at her age. Let's hope she doesn't get corrupted soon. Let's hope swt doesn't corrupt her.

ET was like look at yh we made her the current her, I always tap her.
Hell yeah of course I was thirsty. I was always thirsty.

But they didn't corrupt me.
I corrupted myself, under their watch. That's all. But I only allowed that to happen because I trust them.

I'm excited for next week. <3

Badminton after a week

I tucked some souvenirs into her palms. And talked about how dramas happened at LA.

Does he like these stuff?
He's probably okay with them.
Awesome.

I'm trying not to reveal anything haha.

Badminton was awesome.

This is almost the first time I covered someone all I could. I tried backing up for pooh, and cinnamon too in different matches. It was tough. I'd do much better without the pain in my foot. Zzzz.

Supper with these guys are comfortable. These peeps make me feel home. Honest shit. Hahaa.

I like how Light creates opportunities for me. I asked, what do I do in that situation? He taught me, and tries to recreate the situation for me to try.
I like how crisp trusts me to let me set the game, and I can definitely feel the trust over there.
I like how most of them can trust me tbh. Haaha.

They don't treat me like a newbie kiddo. Which makes me hapi.

Let's plan it after the trip, so I can get you more stuff.
That sounds awesome.

I'm just praying that you hasn't tried that yet.

Chaotic post LA

The heartbreaking scene when Phoenix had tears rolling down her cheeks, she said,
I only know, love brought us together. We're here sitting together because your parents see how great the camp is, so they brought you here. You're flipping tables because you love our leader.

LA didn't teach us how to handle chaos.
It taught us how to stay sane when chaos happens. When life brings you lemon, you make lemonade, I guess.

I want to flash back, and think about what I can do. But there's nothing I can do. I can only stay sane, and try not to get affected by chaos.

When Sus went mad, the only thing we can do, was to keep quiet and let her speak her mind out. Even if it's... shouting her mind out. The only thing we can do was to listen, and try to support her.

Mad people aren't happy people. They only go mad because they aren't feeling right. They use the angry face because they don't really know what face they can put on. They don't wanna show weakness.

I can sit here and type all day, while knowing how crazy chaotic the situation is, downstairs. I can feel mom weeping for many many shit stuff and dad yelling for no reason.

What is this?

LA tells us how to live our life happier. Sometimes, I thought. Is it right not to be affected by shits? When everything's just wrong, and I can fucking calm every part of me. But that doesn't help the situation. That helps me. That only helps me to not worsen the situation.

I don't know what to do, man.

We make our hearts calm, to improve the life of people that care. Or do we need to worsen the chaotic shit then calm, to make a contra?

Post Taiwan

When I came back from Taiwan, something's changed. I have a feeling that I don't really feel so extreme about stuff anymore. Everything's good in moderation.

I don't have to be obsessed to check on someone just because of a nightmare of him dying. I don't have to think about everyone so crazy frequently just because Im going away, cuz for them, they're still busy, they have work.
I don't even know if that's a good thing. But it happened, so why not?

I've been thinking about the crazy huge incident that happened in Taiwan. Her name's Sus. The prettiest girl in our team. The whole incident of her exploding, everything she's said, the scene that the rest of the team members cried, they all appeared. Everyday in my heart. Honestly it's heart breaking. LA has never had such huge mess happening when I was there. I never witnessed chaos in LA before.

Honestly I was a little off, after shits happened. I don't think I can bear with her words. They seem so right, but so wrong at the same time. It's not right at all, man. We don't create chaos when we're unhappy with the situation. We don't hit people, bash people, just because you care. We all care. Doing things you should do must have a moderation. So you're conflicting yourself.

On the fourth day in Tw. We headed to our hotel by bus, from the campsite, then walked to a Japanese bistro kind of place. It satisfies my heart because I was just craving for alcohol. I'm not sure what we drank tho, cuz the writings were in Japanese. But the girl beside says it tastes like cocktails. Vodka plus juices? Never tried that but it sure tastes good as hell. Then there's the rose ale. It tastes like stout with rose and more gas. Which is good. A great night spent with two Malaysians and seven China peeps. The food was too good. Too fucking good. The topic was cringe worthy. It was a coincidence that six of the girls were from the same camp team. While I'm there with just me in my team. They call Sus "little chili". Yes it's well named. But I didn't like the feeling knowing much bout people talking bad about her anyway. The night was young, but they all aren't drinkers. I had two glasses of the cocktail like drink, plus a glass of rose ale. It wasn't enough. But one of the girls had a glass of cocktail and she started speaking mad. It was so so funny, seeing people get tipsy. It reminds me of crumby. And maybe everyone from ET squad. And I miss them.

The most frustrating moment about shopping for good stuff, is not knowing what to buy. I have quite an amount of people I want to give stuff to. But I only have this little ability. I had to hand carry the luggages. I had to carry my 5kg luggage around and 3kg slingbag. Can I carry more? 10kg to a plane? With so much to walk, I almost died. I bought a bit of stuff anyway. For family, and friends.

I wanted to buy more, luckily I didn't. I struggled to walk. The flight was actually awesome. I had four hours of different views for an evening. Meaning, there was a moment the sun shines right into my eyes, a moment of beautiful sunrise, a moment of city lights. Looking down makes me happy. The city getting tinnier, vanishing. The sea as blue as itself, with the clear blue sky then slowly with fluffy clouds. And when the clouds's shadows reflected on the sea. It's pure beauty. Fucking awesome. There are times when the sky fogs up, that's when everything turns blurred, and the sun shines right into the blurness, soothing our eyes, shaking the damn plane. I swear, I spent half the time on the window, and half the time on my book. I still managed to almost finish my book. It was a good book.

I'm happy to be back. I enjoy being home. The trip was worthy. It gives me new perspectives. It gives me great views. Overall...

But things changed too tho... Here.

I think, the first ones I've contacted after my data worked, was moon and Loong. It wasn't the same. I know, I was pretty busy..

I told my parents about the incident. We ate mamak. I love mamak so much. I miss it.

I created an insta account, and it was empty when I fell asleep without doing anything.

I woke up with my sister's alarm and we were almost late so I sped 140km/h to violin class. I swear I was tired af I didn't feel like going. Violin teacher wasn't being crazy anymore. I'm very very relieved to say. I'm not scared of how he reacts anymore.

I got into contact with a few peeps that we've lost contact. Winner. He was damn different from when we were form2. Then the badminton fucking pro guy. Why would he text me? Lol I was confused, but oh well.

Wood accepted my follow request. SURPRISINGLY. He requested to follow me too! Hmm.

Calvin Yong. The nightmare of my badminton childhood. I accepted his follow request. He texted me, and I allowed him to have my number. Fucking hell. Am I regretting it? I think I am.

Moon wasn't acting right. Sometimes I wonder if it's because of me not treating him right. I didn't text him throughout the trip. I snapped many peeps but I know, I didn't snap him at all.
But when I bought the food. I bought one pack with little ones that I can give out, and another pack with three packs inside. I felt like I want to give the three to top priority. And I'm certained, I wanna give the bigger one to him. Up to now, we didn't have a normal convo. Isn't that weird?

Sometimes I imagine. If I go to degree, and get a workload that tires me out more than the camp does... Am I gonna cut off contact with everyone in my life? What about them?

So, what do I do now?

.

Violin class went ok.

I was walking to the class, thinking bout what I told Loong yesterday right after eating. So I have to tell him? I have to tell him. Trust me, I was nervous af. Firstly I told him to treat us all students equally in terms of fee. Then, throughout the class I tried to stay still. Look away and focus on playing, and rest lesser. It worked. He hasn't had the chance. I was distant too, probably. At the end, I didn't get to tell him. But at least I feel safe throughout this session. Phew.

Then I'm thinking about LA. Ok I'll be gone for a week. Maybe I should ask moon out for supper. Maybe I should start packing. I've been anxious over degree shits. I've been thinking about everyone, like I'm about to die soon. I swiped thru all the photos and smiled crazily for no reason.

Life is gonna be fine. Ugh. I'm worried bout LA too. What if that girl is in our group? I'm so not gonna spill anything. The only damn reason I've agreed on going was to get over wood. Mom signed me up last last year probably year end. Now there's no reason I go tbh. But maybe I can figure out degree shits there? Yeah.

I noticed whenever I frustrate over something, I sit there. I try to figure it out for hours, then I take a long nap, and wake up even shittier.

Ooh I am so, so dead.

.

Everyday I'm thinking. I'm easily shaken by people's words. They like to ask me, what am I doing for degree? Then I wouldn't like to answer that. And when I do, they say, it's gonna be hard. There wouldn't be much job opportunities. But when I look up in the internet, it's not that hard too. Many are hiring. Like many.

At the end, they'd say, you might end up doing marketing stuff. But it's no difference anyway. You can study anything and end up doing business. So why not study something interesting? Everyone's gonna judge. So fuck them all. Fuck them all.

I feel so stucked. Am I seriously going to study this, or not? Should I just go for business instead? Haha. Fuck this shit. Maybe I can really go for business then continue dad's all time effort. Maybe I could just do that and save all the bullshit.

Time is running out. I'm wasting each and everyday. I'm living like a piece of shit. I don't even have things to stress about.

What are you going to do when you come out?

I don't know? Depends. It depends, honestly.
I finished A levels with not so pretty results. I still have chance to pick art over science. I still could pick anything. Literally anything.

I don't know what I want.

Fuck my life, man. What am I gonna do when everyone's like that?? The fuck.

I have less than one month to make a decision. In one month, it's either apply, or quickly think about what else I want to go for.

What to do? I'm afraid of making decisions that I'd regret. If I don't get a nice job... They're gonna say something. Even if I get a job related to what I study, they're gonna say something.

Why can't I just ignore people and fuck them all?? But should I choose this ??

There's a safe route. There's a risky route.
Safe route: go for business then continue dad's, no one can say anything cuz... I'd be a good daughter for doing that.
Risky route: go for what I want,
If I don't get a job, there's always dad's job.
If I get a job, it might be away from here. It might be a job non related to what i study for degree. In other words, I wasted the money.
Or I'd miraculously get a job not too far away.

Fuck life.

I'm not ready to go

I'm gonna stop sitting on the floor, stop laying on the floor thinking about the possibilities that could happen after I get to uni.

Everyone in my life is awesome. And when I go, everyone would go anyway.

Arrogant would go to aussie.
Pineapple would go to Singapore.
Yip man's always beyond my reach anyway.
Seaweed would be gone to probably US.
LCW too would go to UK.
Lychee would fly to US too.
Kbu badminton peeps would graduate and disappear.
Drago, legend, CE squad would probably lost contact.
Coursemates... I have no idea.
Friday 9pm squad is gone anyway.

Then ET squad, Loong squad... We only meet during weekends and Wednesdays anyway. Now it would cut down by a day, but I guess it's not much difference.
Moon would be here. Not always, but probably we'll stay in touch.
Ginger would be here too, but we WILL stay in touch.
My family. They'd be like this as usual, except my sister. She'd still be full of miscellaneous shits.

Badminton will never be the same without pineapple and arrogant. Everything would never be the same.

It's probably just three years. Maybe two years plus, excluding internship. I start in August, I end faster. I'll return with a job, as an intern.

All I have to do is stay natural. I wouldn't have to keep contact with wood. We would meet each other during badminton club and maybe that's all? Everything would be fine. He'd be gone in January. I have three months plus that I'd see him.

It's gonna be a challenge. Maybe I'll take it as the last damn way to prove myself. This time I can't let him affect me anymore.

Yh stop thinking bout the things you can't control.

I'm gonna miss everyone so bad, but it's inevitable. It's already freaking good that Loong squad plays badminton every Sunday, so that would keep us in touch... that pineapple's just going to Singapore and not too far away, maybe she can stay close with gold and mic, and they could slightly take care of her whenever urgent.... that yip man will be nearby too but just busy. Everyone would be busy.

Moon said they aren't gonna fade away like that. 
ET said we're not the kind of friends that would know each other for just 2, 3 years.
Loong said, he's not letting me go on my 21th birthday.
Cinnamon said, she wants me as a sister.
Yip man said her life would be grey without me.
Arrogant said he's going to come back and we'll challenge again in the badminton courts.
Seaweed said we can snap each other still.
Pineapple said, cheers to another 10years of friendship.

I'm gonna remember everything about everyone. No matter what shit happens in the future.... I could say, I used to have a variety of best people in my life. And I love them all.