.

Yesterday, today. I archived you twice, but you yourself chose to pop up back in my recent conversation list. You enjoy being the top, right? I too enjoy you being the top. Every fucking attempt trying to give up on you, failed.

Every attempt. After I made myself hate you, you just pop out in whatever way and makes me think, no. You're worth the effort, cuz your heart remains with me. I love the way you tell me stuff like this. Randomly, suddenly. Sometimes, you pop out when I'm extremely busy. But that's okay! Unless... unless we start the fighting talks again. That drove me mad.

So now what?

Continue the suicide, or... start new? What. Archive again? Will you pop back out? The reason I can't give up on you is I still see you. And you're the best thing that happened every week.

I wish I have a clear answer. I wish I can fly to the future to just take a short peek. Am I supposed to move on, or stay? I need a shortcut. Life, give me a tip, man.

.

Negativity can still drown you, even when you were feeling energetic hours ago. It's midnight, it's cold, and just one word. One word could ruin it all.

Don't let him get you. Don't let him affect you. Please don't let him do that. Don't lean on him, don't expect anymore from him. See how he treated you? Cry for the last time, and really move on.

Enough is enough.
He's broke you too many times.

Homework

Fuck yeah. Two projects done in a day. I've sacrificed a day out with him, but... he's doing things too. I guess I might be a burden again. Maybe yeah it's better this way. We can focus on our own stuff, then get them done asap, so we can chill and have fun.

I remember the times I used to drag and drag. Not happening anymore. A levels, I've got no time to drag. Well the lamp was cool. I'm extremely satisfied with it, as it was done as imagined, exactly like the picture in my head. Sej was nothing much, thanks to my partner, June. So I guess I've thrown more effort on the lamp, and she did more on the sej. It's a tie! :)

I'm okay, definitely very okay. Already being happy to be asked out. Happy to know that he thinks about me. :) <3

Life aren't so unbearable. As long as you stay positive, and keep doing what you're supposed to do, you eventually forget the sad stuff, and try to do best in the thing you're doing. And when it's done, everything will turn out well. I'm starving! No point being sad and thinking about stuff that can't be changed. It's a waste of time.

Next: bio. 

Wood

I emphasis. Wood, my love. You're not ruining my life. You did not fucked up my spm year. You did not screw up my progresses in music. You did not do anything that made whatever in me go down. I don't know how I was like. I was directionless, aimless. I did not work hard, so I thought the only thing I could do was music. But I was wrong. I realized that after your appeared. You gave me that kind of motivation to work harder. And because of that, I realized... I'm more than that. I can do so much better but I just didn't maximize my effort. Because of you I feel like I have the ability to choose, to do what I want, because I can.

Sure, maybe, you always said I was dumb, I was terrible. Yeah you were right. I was dumb. But then I don't know what you did.

My results improved. I could math. I could cope. My violin progressed faster than my sister, just practicing hard for a day. I did practice. Yeah. Training myself to be disciplined, I could get things done. Using the listing method, I feel like... I can do so many things in a day!

Do you get that feeling? No of course you don't. These days I've been telling myself. You think you ruined my life, so I should score in my class. I should get the top. I should work as hard as I could and get fucking awesome results. I wanna surprise you, wood. I wanna show you, this is what I can do. I wanna blow your mind, (my mind), and everyone else's mind. I want to experience success. That's all I want. I can do that in art, I can do that when I play badminton with a bunch of girls. But I want to do that in a group of hardworking people. I want to be proud of myself, to be confident, that's all..

I've changed. Maybe sometimes I throw mini tantrums. But I tried my best to fix those, I'll always be trying. I'm trying to have you back. Improving the studying attitude, improving results, improving whatever I do in life, and making myself look prettier, just to have more of your attention. Do you know that?

Please stay with me, would you? I'm sorry for scolding you, in some of the drafts. But you were so mean, you tried to make me hate you. I tried to make me hate you too! But draft after draft, I still miss your touch, your voice, your heartbeat. I miss you all the time, the best times however you try. You will never make me hate you. And I will stop making myself hate you too. Okay? Sometimes, I was really... tired.

Haiz.

College stuff

I have a lot to say.

The moment bio 1 finishes, I thought it was hard. Then I went to the hardworking peeps and they started discussing the answers, turned out I had soooo many wrongs. The moment bio 2 finishes, I thought, the questions weren't too damn hard, but I did not study that part, so in conclusion I'm fucked.

Well today's the moment we get back the papers. I switched seats with lil orange, so I was sitting with the Chinese speaking group, the hardworking peeps. Turned out, I actually got higher than them, although it's a B, well. Maybe I should be more confident in myself, to not give myself this kind of scare, cuz sometimes, I got them correct even tho they were certained abt the answer. I was certained too, man.

I gave stomata a huge scare. Actually, myself too. When I got my paper, I just said "Fuck", thinking I had failed. Then stomata told me to look at her marks for her. So I said we had the same marks. Turned out it was an A, not failed. Lmao. Relieved, and happy. It's the highest record I've done for bio. A slightly secured A.

I didn't know. I didn't know I had the chance to be better than the twins and class rep. Maybe for bio, I can do this. Throughout the week before the test, I did lots of math, that's all. Neglected chem, and scanned tru a bit of bio. And for that, it improved fucking much. I did like two grades better than highschool bio. Was I that terrible? Fuck, how did I get a C during form 4???? Really. Wood was right, I fucked up everything before. But that was before, and no more.

Mechanics. I did not fucking fail. Fuck. Heard that? Thanks to a week of exercises, I got better than the two boys in front, even stomata. Actually. Unexpected, and slightly satisfied. Who knows I could math? Me and chin were always the only ones stucking there trying to finish the paper while EVERYONE in class has done all, and maybe even went home! And then, I could beat them? Sorry for the competitive mindset. I need that to work harder. So I wasn't that bad.

If it's able to appear in my imagination, then I can make it happen. I think that's how life goes, for me. I've imagined a teddy bear lamp shade with stars. They thought it was easier using a balloon, but our project progressed fastest in class. I've imagined a penguin with a sunset background, it happened with some time and effort. I've imagined, me doing well in life, coping well in everything. I am improving. In violin, in guitar, in studies, in my very extremely complicated unstable dead relationship. Everything, life is good to me, and I'm scared what bad might happen next.

Next art project would be using wires. I think it's easy. Sculpting stuff are what I'm good at. I'm good at art, I think. Cuz it's so troublesome, I just had to think, think of the fastest, easiest way to make things finish out pretty, and it worked. To sum up a day, to make sure nothing goes wrong the next day, I list down shits. Wood even read them, ugh, embarrassing.

I am, happy. Right now. You said, sleep when you're done. Stop when you're done not when you're tired. I listened. Really. At least now I don't just collapse in bed without thinking about what to do tomorrow, what should be planned out well. At least I complete a chapter before I go to bed. At least, yeah.

Trying to be a better me, without actually showing it. No one knows that I study that much. No one knows what I do at midnight, only my family. No one knows, I tried fucking hard to deprive fat food, and force in stupid vege and consistent exercises. But they say it's what you do in the dark that puts you into the light. Don't feel offended when I said something bout being fat cuz you didn't do shit to slim down. Don't feel offended when I smile seeing my scores going up. Don't feel pissed when I'm happy, cuz I worked hard to have that.

I actually felt great in the dark. Whocaressss.

A levels rant

Let me spam myself a lil.

Aaaaa I'm so fed up. Why mpu has thaaat stupid annoying subject, we had chemistry class cancelled, but still forced to come as early as usual !!!! Why the fuck. Are we. Forced. To do that shit! I don't wanna do it. Seriously.

There's so much to do. Stupid sej slides, stupid lamp shit. All I want is to skip to Friday night, and go out with him, and we eat together, watch a movie and chill. It's so tiring I wanns die in bed right now.

11.38, a bunch of stuff to do during holidays, but... friends planning bunch of stuff too. Birthdays, back from aussie catch ups, lychee's one and only free day. And still, lamp, sej, notes, pre study. How am I gonna cope that?? Two weeks break is NOT break. Fuck. Fuck. I am completely, fucking speechless.

I need time, man. Time.

Updates

These days I've been talking to myself so much I feel that I'm not normal. Exams finished, got back the papers. I always doubted myself, always thought I couldn't. Well, tbh. I worked most on math, and it did improved. It improved a lot. Stats, there's only few chapters, it'll never change. So in order to score well, just understand all chapters. That's what I've been doing last last week. It helped, but VERY extremely regret for neglecting chemistry. I neglected chemistry and did questions wrongly, questions that I had done correctly before. Ugh, such idiot. Anyways stats improved so much, it could've been an awesome mark if I didn't misread one of the question. It was a fucking easy question, wasted!!

Chem, like I said. I didn't do well at all. I'm better at objective questions I guess. But ugh let's skip that part. Don't know others yet, but I got a feeling I'm screwing up bio too. I worked too much on numbers and I put sciences aside. What an idiot!!

Then this week, it's a stupid week. Everyone of us are having that extreme holiday mood. He, wood, he's on break too. :D Love the idea that he's stressless now, chilling, playing. Love that he'd tag me in stuff, reminding me that I still exist, somewhere in his heart. He treats me the worst, but that's just how it looks like. For my sake, he thinks I'm better without him. But inside, I guess I see something else more than that. Happy to be the only one seeing that. Well, don't tell me to give up. My six senses are kinda always right.

Woodpecker. He, the one I can never make myself hate, he always get insecured. He dislikes me with guys. He insists that I'm with people, to hear me say, no I'm not, I'm waiting for you. He uses whatever way to let me pour out truths. He cares, but acts like he doesn't. The irony. Sometimes, I successfully convinced myself that he doesn't. Then found out he still does, in our conversation.

That's the best feeling in the world.

Holidays won't be holidays for me. Gonna catch up before others, gonna work more, study more.

Exams showed me that my stats could be the same mark as captain hopeless. I think he's quite smart. So it means maybe I wasn't that bad, maybe I could do much better at math. Maybe, I just didn't work hard enough. They did past year papers, joker failed. Unexpectedly.

I want to beat them. I fucking swear. It's competition. You set a target that high you cannot reach, but one day, you'll reach it anyway if you don't give up. It's competition, but dear classmates, I see you peeps as friends, really. Just friends, and competitors. 

.

I'm sorry for scolding you a little. It's just... I get it. Well, wood. Do you know what I'd do every thought of you? I do better. Huge boost. It's always you. Of course, many times I might screw up days just the thought of you.

But wood, that's not it. I'm not "better without you". However it is, who are you to judge whether you're ruining it or making my life better?? It's not on you to say. It's not fair.

So I'm here to prove that you're wrong.

You may try to make me hate you, but you will never success. You're the one I want to spend my days with. And that's for always.

Wood

You can't think that way, wood. You didn't screw up my life. You didn't screw up my studies. I didn't take them seriously at highschool. I didn't do my best.

Well if you think that way. From now on, 19/6 I'm aiming to be one of the top. I fucking swear to you, I will beat them all. You look what I can do, and stop mocking me.

Zombie apocalypse training

I don't regret for going today. Really.

Well thanks for letting me know you'd not come, letting me know what to expect. It was really 100% better. Tbh training was great. Tho it'd be better if you were there. I guess you trained me well, how to live without you.

Uncle and I came only. Then stricter coach was there. So... two weeks without badminton, and I was half an hr early. I did shadow footwork before all. Then when I saw coach, I'm expecting myself to die.

We stroked, all types. Random, net, drive. It was actually... hard. Two weeks without breaking sweat, I smell like bad eggs after shadowing. That awesome detoxification. I couldn't backhand drive. Honestly! Palm almost blistering, damn I regret shadowing.At the end of training, foot blistering! Wtf.

We played a cute style of match, only the two boxes at the middle are considered in. Yep. Short line throughout the game. Ugh I'd done so much better without the foot and palm disturbance, I can hardly tie my hair without pain now.

:3 but still, I don't regret.

Wood, pineapple's back. And if few friendly match made my foot/palm/whatever shit blister, I'm gonna not enjoy the day. So yeah gotta condition to let them thick again.

And I can't even do a 1.5min plank. Fuck.

.

I was thinking, what if, I gave up? Like really gave up without knowing it. What if I already did? What if I only miss the idea of us, I just got used to it, so I thought I love him? What if, I don't have the urge to text him anymore?

That's not gonna happen. 

June

Sometimes, friends aren't what we imagined. To me, I always thought friends in college aren't gonna be real friends. They'll either be friendly for benefits, or... just ignore you all the way tru life. Well I was wrong.

At least the group of girls aren't like that. They're not cold as imagined. There are crazy ones, cold ones, hyped ones. I'm the one, without much to talk. But hell no, the me that's in class isn't the real me. The real me was always in my head. I speak less, because I kept most of the thoughts inside my head, and maybe, write them all down here.

Today, June asked me a question that I'd run away if it was said by a boy. It was about my WA profile picture. Well, since you asked, I'm not gonna lie then. And she said, next time, I could talk to her if I'm feeling like that again.

That's something I didn't expect from her. In among our little group, there's me, Stomata! (sam's new nickname), June, Nabi's, and shell. Could say, the quiettest ones are June and I. And also, I felt slightly awkward with her, maybe because we just don't talk. Thank you for the offer, but it's okay. I drafted them all because nothing can help me, and no one can too.

It's really sweet of you guys.

The first day in our mpu class, I was worried that I couldn't form a group! But it wasn't as hard. I had bad times forming groups in highschool days, but in college they show up on their own, saying 'thank you' when I said yes to join.

Maybe I'll let myself out a little more often. Maybe I should try to trust them.....

Just don't let me regret, please?
It's tiring too. Drafting, drafting. Keeping thoughts in...
I don't want to not have someone that truly knows me at the end of the course anyway.. So yeah yh. 

.

He's harsh, as usual. The way he cares always sounds harsh. But the inner voice is soft. He's always soft. Harsh at me being reckless, because he's always careful. It might sound paradoxical, but nah. Most guys don't really care about stuff. They don't know and don't care. He's smart, always using the knowledge to the max. Talking to him, I can learn a lot. There are always many many mind blowing facts. Well, I trust him.

His harshness doesn't make me cry anymore. It's the thought of "he doesn't love me anymore" that makes me cry. No I don't call that adapt. One does not adapt to harshness. It's the way he cares. I'm happy he does. If you want him to be happy, you don't explain. You let him finish, that's all he needs to do: finish. And when he finishes, he goes back to that softness. Hyped and adorable again. You don't adapt to harshness. You understand his concerns, smile and be grateful. Not talk back and be mad, no. That was the problem between us. I listened to reply, not to understand. I was dumb.

Boys. Sometimes, I think I don't know how to love that guy. Maybe we really can't match. We're both hard. But that's not a fixed thing. It's changeable. If you want to save a relationship, what do you do? I'm on my way. Don't know what I did, but situations are definitely getting much better. Maybe because I speak lesser. When the word "busy" appears, I'll disappear after one or two last messages. I'll wish you all the best on the thing that you're 'busy' doing. And remind you, ily.

He's harsh, as usual. But it's different now. I used to be harsh back, using 'fuck you' on him. That was mean. I was mean too. Damn, I regret that. How different? He's harsh on some past mistakes. Yeah it was kinda pointless. What's the point of always staying mad that I broke my phone screen? I know the mistake. Just don't put it on the lap in the car, so I won't forget it and drop it. Well I don't have to be mad when mom reminds me of how I scratched her car. I know I should reverse more, then only turn the steering, always pay attention to the front, so the mistake won't repeat. If it won't repeat, what's the point of being mad? I've found the solution. You can't change the past, but you can learn from it. The past was me being harsh back for stupid reasons. And I'm glad for seeing it so clearly now.

He's harsh, on a past mistake. For that, I'm sad. How hard is it to let go if someone you love threw a tantrum? Maybe I'm just not much.Well I wasn't good enough for him to forgive and forget.

He's just harsh because I didn't take care of myself well enough. That's a past tense too, I can't fix what's broken, but I can stop breaking it. It's very sweet, that he cares. I know we're broken. We can't change the past, so there's no point crying about it. I can only save whatever's left, and rebuild the bond. Situation's getting better, means I'm on the right track.

The he that I know, won't get back with his ex. He won't hang out with his ex. Definitely won't kiss his ex. He doesn't keep in touch with his ex. Somehow we broke up for months but he still kissed me. He's letting me be independent, but he still loves me. At least that's what I feel. I belong in a weird and special position in his heart. He asks me out, tho he won't try to be romantic, but it's okay.

I was a burden when I was supposed to be the one enhancing his life. That's why we're in the fixing stage. He's afraid to let me back in, afraid I might still be the same burden I used to be. So I need to leave him alone for the sake of him, at least until he's done with the studying stage.

And then one day, maybe he'll finally see me as the present me, not as the me I used to be. Then it'll be much more smoother to mend the bond. 

Sem break plans

IT's semester break, motherfuckerss#**(_)@($_@_ :D

I'm so happy. I can't wait to go out with him. I can't wait to get back to my workout routine. I can't wait, there's so much on the list.

Recently I watched Alice through the looking glass. It's actually damn damn nice! Love how it expressed 'time'. The movie was meaningful, as it clearly presented the importance of living in the present, blahblah. Ok no time to lose.

Ok a list of things I'm gonna do.
- Complete fucking bio notes
- start self studying organic chem
- gain weight. I have to gain muscle mass
- read one book heheheh <3
- math! Plenty of math exercises.
- practice instruments at least twice a week?

additional:
- go back to DJ for mps to check out on my assistant. haha
- catch up with the fruity girls

I guess the above list is already too much for two weeks.

ok that's it.
Wish me luck. I'm starving! 

.

I want to tell you, but I typed and backspaced, I don't know how to word it right. I wanna voice out, but scared I might say something wrong and ruin it all.

I'm just jealous, okay? Like how do you feel every time I put nice photos up there. It's just. Some nice memories you'd like to save it there. I get it. But I really hate the idea of some people might be attracted to it, or starting to get interested to you.

I hate the idea of you're nicer to anyone else than me, so they get the higher chance. And maybe you'd forgotten that I'm over here waiting for you, still giving you the kind of treatment and priority. If another girl asked you out for conjuring, would you say no, then ask me? Or you would just be fine with it and forget about my existence?

You see, someone asked. I ignored with a brief bullshit answer like how I used to. I'm happy as fuck when you asked. Like really, literally jumped. Smiled until cheeks ached, happiness comes from you. But I'm scared of losing you more even when you're already not mine to lose. I just want chances for you to notice, the treatment I gave you and still do, it's unstoppable. I speak to you in my head, always, in my drafts too, I know you will never hear me. You'll never read them. Someday, this is gonna be drafted too.

I hate the idea that the world is full of girls prettier, smarter and better than me. I hate the idea that I know I didn't even stand a chance at first but dont know why, you noticed me since... the day I was noticing someone else. You noticed me since I was supporting your opponent, but I was dumb enough to make you break up with me.

I hate the idea that we broke up but I still want you back and that doesn't matter to anyone. Don't know how it might end up, but I'm going to love you for a long long time.

Until one day, when I'm totally completely sure that you're never coming back,

Maybe I would stop saving movies to watch with you. I would stop putting nice things on the list just to share with you. I don't know. Maybe that day would never come, but I will try.

I'll still make myself break down and start the waiting process all over again. It's just like a repeat of the feelings, without your physical presence.

Maybe I'll die young anyway, so that doesn't have yo repeat so many times. Maybe i'd get too into studies or job or whatever and I temporarily forget that you're still out there free and not thinking about us.

Well let me tell you a little thing.
Even tho I know where you are, I know how far you are from me, I still couldn't help looking for you. Even if it's just a guy that looks slightly like you, Id thought I actually saw you. I can't possibly let go. Maybe that's why I'm typing this whole shit even tho I have a little test tomorrow.

I'll do well there.

Pre exam

It was pre exam week, I skipped a week of workout but accidentally ate too much. Can feel the fats coming back.

It's 1.47am, gastric decides to pay a visit.

I had fucking stomach ache in the morning thanks whatever food. Then now fucking gastric. Are you fucking kidding me. I spent all day in the fucking car waiting to arrive but feeling like crap screwing up shits.

And midnight I'm home but shits not letting me study.  

No not water. I'm pretty sure I'm over flushing out the ions I'm gonna be fucking slow tomorrow and screw up.

Now I'm guessing, maybe I was too happy that day. Well this is the price. One does not get too happy.

Fmlfmlfml _&$*$(=()@(;":#&@
Fuck off pls.

New humans

I'm missing the red flashes.

Well everytime I come up to my room, I look at the light, and wait for the colour to flash.

New people have been showing up. Well, not many. Snapchat notifications are yellow too, just like everyone from whatsapp.

I've been annoying arrogant ass for math. He's genius in it anyway. Then chewing gum had agreed that we motivate each other to. workout, but I'll join him after exams. Once awhile, shell snaps to me, nabi's wife too.

Those are new people. But no matter what I sent, I don't have to expect a red flash. It'll either be no flash, or yellow flash.

I wish it went well. If we didn't broke up, everything would still be how it used to be. And I might be much fatter.

What's the point mentioning it
Fuck off. Go math. Yeah

Fucking math driving me crazy

Math

Everytime I try to math, I can't, and at the end of the day I end up at the same place. At the same chapter maybe. However, there Will NEVER be any improvement on it. Sometimes, I think I must be the dumbest person on earth. Sometimes, I think it's obviously a fucking wrong thing to have chosen THIS course. I know what I can't do. I know I can't do this thing I'm gonna fail my math next week.

Is there anything I could do about it? Or just watching myself leaving them blank. Or maybe I should try doing more past year questions even tho I can't do them. Then what's the fucking difference!?

Exam

Yay last paper. I'm cheering for you.
Glad to see you having some fun. At least you don't torture yourself like that. I'm Ok being someone who stalks your snapchat. I'll be ok.

I think I'm getting ok with snapchat.

Sometimes, friends snap to me, and I feel super awkward not snapping back but just texting. It's so weird. But so far, I snapped twice. One was with that stupid rainbow thingy. Omg it's fucking embarrassing. I hope I get used to it.

These days I've not been working out. And I'm eating carbs daily.

Fucked uppp.

Ugh.

Worrying bout my stomach, the exams. Ugh.

It's not going well. Feel so dumb hoping the best for someone, while I'm dying here.

Someday, I should treat myself the way I treat you. Aaaah hell.

"Littlest Things"

Sometimes I find myself sittin' back and reminiscing

Especially when I have to watch other people kissin'

And I remember when you started callin' me your missus

All the play fightin', all the flirtatious disses

I'd tell you sad stories about my childhood

I don't know why I trusted you but I knew that I could

We'd spend the whole weekend lying in our own dirt

I was just so happy in your boxers and your t-shirt

Dreams, dreams

Of when we had just started things

Dreams of you and me

And it seems, it seems

That I can't shake those memories

I wonder if you have the same dreams too.

The littlest things that take me there

I know it sounds lame but it's so true

I know it's not right, but it seems unfair

The things are reminding me of you

Sometimes I wish we could just pretend

Even if only for one weekend

So come on, Tell me

Is this the end?

Drinkin' tea in bed

Watching DVD's

When I discovered all your dirty grotty magazines

You take me out shopping and all we'd buy is trainers

As if we ever needed anything to entertain us

The first time that you introduced me to your friends

And you could tell that I was nervous, so you held my hand

When I was feeling down, you made that face you do

There's no one in the world who could replace you

Dreams, dreams

Of when we had just started things

Dreams of me and you

And it seems, it seems

That I can't shake those memories

I wonder if you feel the same way too

The littlest things that take me there

I know it sounds lame but it's so true

I know it's not right, but it seems unfair

The things are reminding me of you

Sometimes I wish we could just pretend

Even if only for one weekend

So come on, Tell me

Is this the end?

- Lily Allen

Sometimes, I cant tell how regretful I am everytime I discovered lyrics like these

It's a nice song. Lucky it's fast, or it'll be even much more sentimental. 

.

I think I kinda regret downloading snapchat.

I was okay for not texting him, not knowing what he's up to except for once awhile. I was okay seeing his fb availability, which was always "2mins ago", sometimes 5

Having his snapchat, I see his stories. Whatever he snaps for fun, whatever he's doing. But that's all I can do. I can just see and be a fucking passerby, like a stranger.

I can see him stressed out, or having fun, everything, but I can't do anything, and I just wanna talk to him.

But I guess he dislikes my companion. So yeah if I care I just gotta stay the distance, fuck off his life, and just stay away from him.

I've installed it. I wouldn't give up the chance to know what he's doing.

But that would be self torture.

I'm so,,, so fucked.

And that's the reason I really really should let go

.

I know how to deal with my mistakes. I'll be more careful next time that's all. Well, my sister made me drive anyway. She made me pick up the car keys. She made me pulled off from jaya1. Eh we got there thanks to my stupid data. I can't believe my data allowed me to use waze. I don't get why she likes to turn here and there, thinking she'd guess correctly. I thought asking him would be faster. Well, thanks alot for being so fucking unhelpful?! If you wanna scold me for not paying attention when you bring me around, I repeat! When you send me anywhere, I only look at you. I don't look anywhere else. Just you. Ok? And yes you're a bad guy. But girls like bad boys, and you're the best among all. Screw everyone else.

I made my sister promised to treat me something to eat, just because I need to taste, not exactly hungry. I wanted apple cider. I wanna try that so badly but she ignored me and got us something fat. Perfecto. Anyways I think I'm more familiar with that area rn. At least I know how to relate the places around that bridge.
Still, thanks for being so unhelpful. Wanted to say something mean but ended up just "thanks". Ugh. What am I to you.

Alright I made my sister watch miracles in cell to make her cry, but I almost cried. Fuck. And also. that short anime movie, fuccckkkk I'm full of emo movies today.

Life sucks, but we still have to live it. Yesterday, Arrogant ass told me bout his drama. Ohh he has drama! He's a normal person after all, which acts like he has everything under control. We were all fooled by his acts.

He is like that too. He's definitely fucking perfect. Badminton pro, top student in studies, a good son, an awesome person to be with. But he's actually full of negativity. Leaving him, is hard. And when it's finally getting ok, when it seems he just need some space,, he seems like he's struggling in a lot of stuff too. Sometimes, negative words pop out from his WA. I'm surprised he tells me, tho not all the time, but he tells me. And I can't do anything to be helpful. He doesn't need me to say anything, he'll reject anything I offer. I can't evem try to be a friend. That's ok, I understand. But it's sad. Does anyone else see his snapchat stories and try to cheer him up? I hope there are people doing that for me. Just not flirt with him. Ugh.

Sometimes I hope he's mean to everyone. So he won't get hit on by some typical playgirls. I hope he sees me really sincerely wanting the best for him. I hope he knows what I'm thinking. But hahahahaha in my dreams.

Right now I'm gonna live two weeks without seeing him. I can do this.

I can do this. I have photos. Yeah. Fuck.

I wrecked the car.

Not a wonderful day. There was an accident, and I did something wrong.

Pulled off and went into that narrow area because I thought it wasn't really nice if I pick her up somewhere which requires her to walk out during a rainy day.

And I scratched the car under pressure.

Accidents happen, my sister had so many. She wrecked the old vios a million times, and the white fatty too. I hit stuff twice, but without scratching it at the first time.

They talk like I did it on purpose.

The party was good. Regret for not recording the birthday girl's reaction. It was damn good. The food was great too, definitely gained few thousands of calories. Gonna workout damn more but I'm on a study hol. Maybe I'll workout once or twice.

Then it was a little awkward. At first lychee wasn't even sure that she could come. So I told arrogant ass to accompany me if she didn't. At least I know him better, and we have random topics. Lychee did come, but as usual she was busying catching up with her old classmates and I was bored. Arrogant sat few seats away, awkward too with the Belians, so we texted.

The handmade cake was ok too, green tea flavored but not too much of green tea.

I sent lychee back with a little problem too, because we weren't sure which way to go after exiting old wing parking. However we made a big circle around the area but still headed back to where we know.

Aiya overall, everything was awesome except the stupid accident.

I was supposed to study after the party. But I ended up tucking myself in bed before the food digested.

It sucks, you know?

Fucking sucks.

From now on, I would like to not drive at all anymore. Fucking stop all this shit.

Butterflies in training

It's a wonderful day. I'm gonna say, my badminton sucks, I need more matches. Multishuttle can take me nowhere. I need shadow, more matches to improve. Stupid college aren't helping in that.

Today pink hair dude went into the courts. Damn, I walked around the futsall courts just to avoid that guy, and he came in.

Loveyou for letting me burry my face when that happened. :3 Love you for worrying. For sending me back.

:3

Sometimes, I thank these weird incidents that helped letting me know that you care. :3
Aahhh life is wonderful. :3

If you didn't send me home, I would do some footwork. Something that you told me to practice. Shadowing is exhausting. Sometimes you claim that I don't finish my water, actually I had to not finish it, to save it for shadowing. And those tricks, jumping footwork. :3

:3
Today is a great day

Biology stress

I wanna say, I do. work hard for science. I really do. So I expect more from myself. When I see the grades as low as someone who didn't even study, I'm sad as fuck. Disappointed at myself. When you think you know everything and you get a fucking sixty plus over hundred.

No, no.

I screwed chapter7. Plants chapter. Honestly that was my least favourite chapter. Plants. Fuck.

I agree that mammals transport are much harder, but I did much better.

64 for plants then 74 for mammals. It's a huge jump. See how interest can make you? When you like something, but it's harder, you still can score better in that. So that's why he said pick the one you have passion in.

And next it should be 84.
Fucking hell. I have to get A for that. Yeah. Ugh mid term has no practical yet. And that's the only chance I get to score A*. But the thing is, I'm too dumb!!

How do you study and get super good grades??? $^$>>¿¿“¡” why does it seem like I can do better, a little better, slightly better, but I can never reach the level of an actual top student?? It's like I can't do it! Ugh. Ugh.

Frustration.