I'm not ready to go

I'm gonna stop sitting on the floor, stop laying on the floor thinking about the possibilities that could happen after I get to uni.

Everyone in my life is awesome. And when I go, everyone would go anyway.

Arrogant would go to aussie.
Pineapple would go to Singapore.
Yip man's always beyond my reach anyway.
Seaweed would be gone to probably US.
LCW too would go to UK.
Lychee would fly to US too.
Kbu badminton peeps would graduate and disappear.
Drago, legend, CE squad would probably lost contact.
Coursemates... I have no idea.
Friday 9pm squad is gone anyway.

Then ET squad, Loong squad... We only meet during weekends and Wednesdays anyway. Now it would cut down by a day, but I guess it's not much difference.
Moon would be here. Not always, but probably we'll stay in touch.
Ginger would be here too, but we WILL stay in touch.
My family. They'd be like this as usual, except my sister. She'd still be full of miscellaneous shits.

Badminton will never be the same without pineapple and arrogant. Everything would never be the same.

It's probably just three years. Maybe two years plus, excluding internship. I start in August, I end faster. I'll return with a job, as an intern.

All I have to do is stay natural. I wouldn't have to keep contact with wood. We would meet each other during badminton club and maybe that's all? Everything would be fine. He'd be gone in January. I have three months plus that I'd see him.

It's gonna be a challenge. Maybe I'll take it as the last damn way to prove myself. This time I can't let him affect me anymore.

Yh stop thinking bout the things you can't control.

I'm gonna miss everyone so bad, but it's inevitable. It's already freaking good that Loong squad plays badminton every Sunday, so that would keep us in touch... that pineapple's just going to Singapore and not too far away, maybe she can stay close with gold and mic, and they could slightly take care of her whenever urgent.... that yip man will be nearby too but just busy. Everyone would be busy.

Moon said they aren't gonna fade away like that. 
ET said we're not the kind of friends that would know each other for just 2, 3 years.
Loong said, he's not letting me go on my 21th birthday.
Cinnamon said, she wants me as a sister.
Yip man said her life would be grey without me.
Arrogant said he's going to come back and we'll challenge again in the badminton courts.
Seaweed said we can snap each other still.
Pineapple said, cheers to another 10years of friendship.

I'm gonna remember everything about everyone. No matter what shit happens in the future.... I could say, I used to have a variety of best people in my life. And I love them all.

Advices? Lol

Half blood prince texted me to ask me advices about relationships. Lol. He picked the wrong girl to ask. My ex broke up with me so why would he ask me?

I found out, maybe I'm over him anyway. I could type out what I been tru, with angry tears. Not exactly angry tears tho.

I found out, I'm over with being with him. But I'm always being disappointed in everything he did. Even more disappointed in myself.

I told half blood prince,
She control parts of you? Have some dignity.
When they want to break up, they can say anything. Because of stress, because of being exhausted. But what exactly is the real reason? Only he knows.

Because of another girl? Alright.

The problem about me was thinking that's okay just because he made it sound so convincing, that I'd be okay even when that's the reason.
The problem about me was loving him more and more no matter what shit he's done to break me into pieces.

People had to tell me the same things again and again. People helped me get over him.

Wipe off your angry tears and get up, be a man. Don't let anyone have the power to disrespect you. Cuz you deserve to be respected.

Ginger meet

Today was a crazy random day. I sworn to myself, so many times that I want to make an enquiry for uni.

Firstly moon texted me. I finally told him, honestly. I'm sorry moon, for not telling you earlier. I just don't wanna make you feel troubled or anything. It's not your fault I hate and unhate you constantly. You're being you, and that's awesome. So stay that way, and I don't blame you.

Ginger texted me. I swear, I made him jio me for badminton. He didn't really want to but I was crazy desperate. He said, go ahead, see you later. So lol. He's awesome. He actually called me during work. Crazy ass.

And then I made the call for enquiries. The girl speaking was nice. I like her service. That's a 10/10. I finally made everything clear. The date for Aug intake, the price for accommodation, the transportation, the early bird fee waiver, everything. It was good enough.

At least now I know that I can use my AS results to apply. I'm so relieved I didn't fail AS! Fucking hell. So now I have time to still chill. And I'll still be here in early Aug. I'm hapi for that. Hapiiiii.

At home, sis was random AF. I was pulling out the wooden games stuff from the coffee table for no reason. Then she wants to play Chinese chess. Onz la. I can't believe I let her win the first round just because I was so certained that I could win. We both looked like we could win. But the second round was awesome AF. I killed her car, she didn't even see that coming. She was too blank. And then I killed her horse. That's when she forfeited. That was too awesome. Good game.

I saw ginger once I reached. He said there are no girls. But there, I saw one. A middle aged woman. We stroked at the darker side before everything. He said, I improved. I'm hapi. Hahah. He's one of the guys that would bash me badly but for my sake. Just like wood. Wood would scold me badly for not playing well. Ginger would bash me a little but not harshly. But today he said, I improved. I like that. Lucky there's the lady. We could play mixed doubles. Holy cow she's quite good for a middle aged. We lost two rounds because I'm gonna say that her partner was good. Then when ginger and I versus them, we were winning not so hardly. The lady challanged me one on one. I was pretty sure I could beat her. Time wasn't enough anyway.

Such a talkative lady. 43 but young at heart. Sandy. Very active and a crazy badminton lover. I like her. She said she has a 13yo child, and the guy that partnered me is his bf, which is 41. Awwww. Divorced but young at heart. To adorable. We exchanged numbers, and she said, let's play together sometimes. Awesome! She said, she could see that I've trained. PL too, could see that easily once we started. Haha. Aw. Don't make me flutter. I like her and I wish to play with her furthermore. Ginger said lucky he brought me along. Haha. If not, we couldn't form mixed doubles. It's harder for Sandy to play. Yup. Awesome. It was intense. I like the boss. He's so badass. Old but badass.

You don't play with people around your age?
No... I play with older peeps. And that's awesome.

Chili pan mee is love. I think I'm falling for the spiciness. Ginger is nice. I like catching up with him. He's pretty fun. So hoping that we all keep in touch. I told him about diminish, like 2% of it only. He's like "Never try never know." I like that. Everything is going great in life. Time is so scary. For once it makes you think that the world means nothing anymore, months later you couldn't be anymore incomplete. It brings your pieces together bit by bit, that you never even notice how perfectly things have been falling into its place by itself. He treated me a free tealive. Thanks bro. It's literally free tealive. Buy one free one. Haha. I think he's a crazy guy. Nice talking companion... We could talk about college to badminton to work to people. Everything.

I'll tell you all about it when I see you again, that kind of friend.

But impossible is impossible. Never try never know. It's the same, indeed. But... When I control, the results are clear. I'm pretty sure even if diminish feels the same way, he'd control.

Accepting how shits will never happen could do less damage than hoping for miracles.

Wood.

I reread what wood texted me. Again and again. The last time he texted me, it was a long text. I haven't been receiving long texts from him, it's always me texting long to him.

One day he saw pineapple's snap. She snapped me just waving to her at Arena bar. The other one was Hang drunk and resting his head on the table, so I made a sleeping post for her to snap. Yes it looked like I was damn wasted too. But I wasn't. Pineapple's my bestie. We'd cray together. I'd go cray in front of her.

He said he doesn't know what's wrong with me. He doesn't understand why I'm different.

It's so funny! Do you need a reason to change? Because time passes! And NOTHING DOESN'T CHANGE. You idiot enough? Why the fuck do you care? Look at me. My life is different. So? What can you do? You're not the boss of me. You don't tell me how to live my life. You told me too much and I got fed up and THAT'S WHY we broke up. I'm a free girl.

He said I'd touch liquor someday. He was right. Whiskey was good. But he doesn't even know that I touched cigar. Do you have a problem seeing how different I am? I remember telling you this. I remember I told you that I go out to drink with the boys, sometimes. I told you, I go out with a bunch of guys and almost only guys for badminton, and I return home at latest 4am+. We finished singk at 4. I told you these and you said you accept that. You said it. What's the deal?

Oh you meant everything in the letter? You said you want me back in the letter! Are you sure? Look at me being like this! You want this me? Yeah. I wore a skirt. I wore sleeveless. I wore heels. I drink. I tried smoking. I did everything I never did when I was 17. Look at me as a fucking nobody instead of your girl! I'm not your gf anymore, wood. Why would you make a fuss about that???

You pushed me hard, til I hit rock bottom. I fucking died and these people pulled me back up. These people saved my life, changed the way I view almost everything. These people saved me. So stop judging what I've become. I've changed for better.

It's funny how I've tried again and again to try break the ice, then fail so badly. If anything, you're the only one that has made me try again and again, even when I never succeed, when it looked like I did it but I failed. You're the only one who made me bring myself up again, to try again. But now, I accept that you're GONE. And I will never ever fucking try anymore.
You don't have to complain about what I've become. Cuz you made me what I am.

.

Recently I drafted a lot. I feel like I'm drafting a lot about my personal thoughts that I'll always be embarrassed to post out there publicly, even when I know I only have just two regular blog readers.

I feel like I'm keeping a lot to myself, I have stuff that I don't know who to tell. It's stupid. There are things I will never tell boys. But when there are stuff that happened, I even stopped telling the girls. Why?

Because I shouldn't. I shouldn't have this sort of excitement. I have to get rid of it but I couldn't. I think I might be overthinking. But everything tells me that I'm not overthinking. There are evidences.

I have to start stressing out for uni so I stop all the fantasy.

Please yh. Make a call for enquiries, TODAY.
I'll do it today.

.

ET told me that you did something mad.
What's considered mad? Is that all he said?
I touched cigarettes. Just two inhales.

He looks pretty scary when he said that.
YH, you're dead, you did something really bad.
I smoked? I know. I was sober when I did it. I was really damn completely sober when I did it. Lol.

There ET was asking me for a video. No way, man! That's priceless stuff. But one thing I'm worried of, he said someone snapped me smoke. Two inhales! Come on.

Last night was cold. I was a little disappointed not seeing big guy at opposite court. Hmm. All wasn't well. I duno how to feel seeing the crack getting bigger.

It's been some time since last I seen Tina, V and swt. Basically they're gone. Haih. Damn. It doesn't feel good at all seeing squads being split so badly apart. There's no laughter. The smiles aren't the same anymore, too.

.

I thought it's gonna be certained. You can choose who you want to invest your everything in. You choose wisely, and you never regret.

But when they say the truth, you turn back. You thought, why did I tell him everything. Why did I tell her everything. Is this what I want? Probably no. Is this what I need? Probably no too.

Does it meant that I only have one left ?

Fucking hell.

Attire

Last night I followed my parents out to digital mall. It was early so I was hoping they'd finish early or anything, then mom could bring me shopping. Haha. It's annoying when you have both the extremities but no in between. I have the highest heels and flattest flats but no in between. I have the prettiest formal shoes and ugliest slippers but no in between. I need those in between stuff. I didn't get to my target tho. Things moved too slowly.

Anyway, I told mom. Mom you know my taste is changing. Would you and dad get use to this kind of change? She said, we had to anyway. I didn't even get use to your piercings and earrings.
That's true... They had to anyway.

When I got home I was backing up my phone and mom dragged me to her room. Ok let me describe her wardrobe first. It's four times the size of mine. Those clothes can burry me alive, man. So she was flipping tru. I told her I just wanna steal her hat top(black sleeveless top with a cute hat in the middle). But she was digging tru for some time, slowly passing me so many others that she said I might use. She slowly passed me skirts.

Yip man said, it's called growing up, which includes change. Change into someone with completely different mindset? Hahaa.

I used to hate sleeveless clothes because I hate baring my shoulders, but now I like them more.
I used to hate skirts and dresses because I felt unsafe, now I think it's not that bad.
I used to dislike wearing heels cuz I couldn't bear the pain, but now I feel more confident in them.
I used to think, I have so many clothes. Now I think I barely have anything to wear. Haha.

Maybe this is why we're all potatoes. Jan intake is full of potatoes, which never bothered about the attire. While.....March intake has pretty girls, because they dress well, they take care of their image well.

I wonder how much time it takes for someone from Jan to become March intake girls.

OKU

I always thought, these few weeks I'm in a terrible form. I had a chronic left foot problem. Suddenly I sprained my right foot so each step hurts when just walking. I knew there's something wrong with my wrist too but that was unsure at first.

Now it's no doubt. I found it. I found the spot that gives the sharp ass pain when pressed. That's not wrist at all. That's the palm. Exactly where we're supposed to use when using anything forehand for badminton.

In other words I'm dead. If the arm is not okay, it's fine. When both legs aren't well, it's fine. But when the area holding the racket is fucked, I'm totally fucked.

They say, before you seek for help, make sure you know how to describe the problems.

It's gonna be terrible if it's not getting better.

Oh god. Help. This is shit, man.

Walah amigoz meet

Friends, friends. What are they.
They have special notification sounds. They give different excitement when meeting up. They share and share and share even if it's not related to them at all, mutually.

Yesterday walah amigoz had a meetup. Hahaha it's a crazy group name, I know. Just me, pineapple and lychee. The food team. I went by lrt, so the entire transport caused me less than Rm4, I'm hapi af. I didn't really got lost, but I circled the entire shop lot thingy and found lychee. That amount of extra distance I walked was nothing anyway.

We couldn't catch up too much. Lychee had no clue about how crazy our lives went. Pineapple's crazy. I'm crazy too. But Lychee's like the lychee seven years ago. Omg. Seven years. We've known each other for seven years. That's pretty damn long too. Update wasn't much. But updating already excited us both, like crazy. So little time, so much drama. Ahh. Hell. But pineapple told about her wing.and conversationalist, while I told about my closest few. Two hubbies and ET etc etc. Anyway. I can't believe my very only deepest darkest secret was still with moon, ET, loong and yip man. Just four. I think walah amigoz would faint knowing it... I'm so sorry guys.

Badminton was painful this time. Every part of my ached. I was having muscle pain from training, from afternoon second round. I can feel my wrist going to snap. I can feel the sore in the arm, the inflammation in the right foot. I feel old. But I think we were good. The peeps there weren't good. Only the organizer and Nel was good, then it was us. It's cool when girls vs guys and still we won without putting too much effort. I think I needed to make myself hyped to be on fire. It was too little running. I can't believe, with this condition, I still crave for intense badminton. At the end, pineapple and I played singles. At first she said 11point. I supposingly won that round. Then I said, let's continue to 21 points. So we did this. She was leading, then I was leading again and beat her for 21-19. Terribly painful all out. But it was worth the pain.

Nel fetched us back. First time riding in a big ass range rover. He's a short guy. Shorter than me, very cute, but a better player. I thought it was best to not keep each other quiet. So we talked about anything.

All is well. I'm hapi to be eating texas chicken. I'm hapi I beat pineapple for the first damn time. We're going to have a third set.

To be continued...

.

It's a lot of decisions to make. Sometimes, when you hear stories from both sides, you analyze and found out someone aren't telling the truth. Do you inform both sides? Or you keep it to yourself?

I was shocked to hear that from you tbh. I thought I heard what I heard, that firm firey tone from him. She wanna play games? I'll play with her.

Sometimes you plan things, you made a perfect plan with people that you wish they'd be there. Then one starts to make some decisions without you knowing. It's an issue. But when the problem was solved, you can add new peeps. Peeps that you never thought you'd want him to be there.

I was a little nervous. But I thought, it would be fine. It has to be. If I'm going there, we had to solve the awkwardness. I will talk to him sooner or later. Why avoid and avoid? We could be friends so why not?

It's cool how you'd think about someone wherever you go. I want my racket back so I want to go megah. I told mom and dad, loong and ET said ming tien would be closing soon. They say, let's go there then. We went there, I think of my coursemates. I promised them I would bring them to tomorrow. But is that plan gonna happen? I don't know. In four months, my childhood favorite food court would be gone, moved far away. I collected my racket, boss was shocked that I'm the one using that racket. He said, it's a good racket, a heavy racket, isn't it too heavy for me? I said, I like that. I couldn't smash when I used the other racket. I can't smash at all that's why I need to collect it before tomorrow.

And I thought of wood. Yip man sent me a photo of wood and a girl. I can recognize him in a blur figure. It took some time to load. Then here I go. It was a candid. A nice photo of him and shandy. I knew when he went to langkawi, she's the one touring them. Haha. I can't believe I can remember so much that he told me, even including the girl that he had feelings for.

The difference between us is....
For her, it's never goodbye, it's until next time.
For me, it's just.... Goodbye.

Hahah. What am I thinking?
Yh you will see him for another few months. That's all. I need to face him anyway......

"No, I dont think you're over him. Not yet."
Thanks pineapple. Haha. You know me best.

We had a short peaceful convo. Because I needed to ask. But all seems well. We were cool about anything. At the end, I saw his pictureless dp appeared. It turns out that he has a dp. Duh. He probably deleted my contact, that's why i couldn't see it before. Why put it back?

Why add me back?

Until now, he's still the one I load first in sc. I stalk, I check on him. I notice them all. I noticed his photos disappearing. I noticed him setting privacy to block me from seeing them. I did experiments, just to see if he sees whatever I wrote. I did so many experiments.

And he added me back?

Day with pineapple

It was supposed to be an awesome plan. Lychee wasn't free, so the plan was me meeting up at pineapple's, a sleepover party then the next day swim, then we'd date the whole day then badminton at her side.

It wasn't a very perfect plan. I went ou to sell a book, play a little bit of pogo then call grab(it's easier to call there). So I was dressed simple, with badminton stuff. I told the buyer to look for a girl with badminton rackets, same to the grab driver. I think it's a good thing I'm easily recognized like this. The price paid half my fare. Here I go, to MK. It was a hot day. It was a nice day.

Look at this baby groot, and this plant.
Do you have a thing for plants? Cuz I have one for ya.
Seems like my birthday has a theme: plants.
It was such coincidence. I was afraid she'd not like it.

I dropped everything and we just laid on the bed, updating each other about literally everything. Everything I didn't told her before. Plans, dramas, secrets, guilts, and recent events. She told me hers too. Her baymax, her conservationist, her fam. We had similar drama. Similar circle drama. I don't think I can write much here. Secrets will be secrets. But anyway... It was great update. We had similar diminished cases too, which we both already almost got over it.

If you need help and there's only one call. Who?
It was such a hard question. I said, I'd call any of them.
Who? The most trustworthy one.
They're equally trustworthy.... But I still had my answer.

We went to publika for dinner. The food was great. Her fam was awesome. Her sisters are getting so tall. I remember when Del was little. She was so so so adorable, now looking more like the mother. And when Silver was little... Now she's sarcastic, and very disciplined. Damn, and I'm still the same, a damn kiddo. They're all outgoing. Crazy, hyped. Even the mom and dad. And coco. Faaaak. Coco is old. I remember there was once, I was in my librarian uniform, as I sat on the red bean bag and sank into it, coco ran so fast and jumped on me, and she licked my face! Time pasts, her energy drained...

We walked around then, after meal. I walked with pineapple, there she go to find a baymax and books. Shopaholic. "We should go shopping." We've grown. Back home she brought me alcohol. Wow I wish I have these in my refrigerator. Then we both lay on the couch. She swiped tru all my top picked photos, there I introduced everyone. There were lychee's, arrogant's, wood's, moon's, ET's, Loong's, my coursemates' photos. And her of course.

I like this top. She said, you should wear this more. There was the top, revealing skin above the chest. Sleeveless and.... Formal.
I said, my wardrobe is filled with tshirts but now I prefer the ones that used to look or feel weird to me. But It's harder for me to change I guess. I remember the last time I wore a slight revealing top. My sister said, where are you wearing that to? We sat there for a long time, swiping tru. Talking about so so many stuff. Then we continued in the room. With hyped EDM, and soothing music. It was so good. Everything was so fine.

Until I realized I have two missed calls from dad, telling me grandpa's gone.

She was pretty scared of me crying in front of her. But I guess I was ok. Cuz we all knew this was gonna happen soon. We rescheduled everything, and.... I guess that's it?

It's sad that we have to postpone our whole day date. And the swim, and her company badminton session. She said, she's not going without me. Aw. Crazy girl. It wasn't late but we were pretty tired. And so lights off.

I remember the first time you sleptover at my old place, before all this happened, before I was with pax, before you were with wood.
Yeah... I remember texting him in the dark, with my stomach full of butterflies. I was so in love. That me... had a headful of dreams and fantasies. I always thought, we didn't have to break up like that. But.... Thinking that way does more harm than good. I do not regret, anyway.
Everything happens for a reason. I guess every bad ending is also a new start for something good, if we open our eyes and see it, it does.

We both woke up at the same time, in the middle of... dawn? Then continued the sleep. Life is good.

Do you miss your old place?
Not at all.

Do you miss your old self?
Not at all..

Swimming plan was off, but we had a brunch together. Bibimbap was good. The cafe downstairs was relaxing but fucking expensive. We both got ourselves fresh fruit juices. Cheers to another ten years of friendship, and another ten.

By that time you're probably married.
You're probably married too bro.
We would be 29, Loong 43, ET 37. Wow.
They'd be married. Haha. Hope they get a good good life. Hope we all do.

Walking coco was nais. Coco was hyped. She had corn poop. Our last long walk before I leave.

I never updated Lychee for a long time
Me too, I wonder what she's like. What she'd think if she knew, we both have friends this old, and that we drink.

All the goodbyes, then her dad sent me back because he was heading that direction anyway. We had a good talk. Her dad is very good looking, and nice, and funny. Haha. Such an awesome family, bless all of you.

Let's appreciate everything wonderful, so we all can say, "I do not regret anything."

Bitch

There are two chargers in my room and both are mine. My last ones surviving. Honestly, I killed none of them. Ever since my first fucking phone, that charger survived till now. But it was killed by my sister. Even my newest charger, the head was left in a hotel by her, and cable was broken by mom.

Oh thanks all of you! I'm so relieved that I have backup! Your foot.

Two in the room but acting like a public charger. Oh sure! That's no problem.

Bitch enters room at 2am, using my hearphones to watch fucking Kdrama. Hey, may I know how old are you why are you being so fucking kiddo all the time?
"I want to charge. "
The only thing I can hope for is YOU charge it back and make sure it's 100% by the time I wake. But guess what? Remember how you responded? You didn't. Cuz you said you were forced to agree so how else could you respond. Oh ok. And guess what? I woke up with it 17%.

Come, I clap for you.

My last words were just me telling you to charge properly. And what attitude is that ?

Wow. Unbelievable.

Just wow.

.

I could literally burp and smell heneikeb. Im sorry. Today was a weird day. I was thirsty so I told Moon i wqnr to dribk. Hw said ok.

I waited and got my mood screwed by nothing. But he still brought me out anyway. ET too went out. He said he'd bring me if I was above 21. Probably a clubbish place then.

We went for heneiken then soju. Soju is love. I love soju.ans the free salad theu served.

It was a nice place to hog.

Then ET appeared out of nowhere. I was actually resting myhead on my arms. Oops. Here we go.

I'm sorry for losing myself. Idk whatws wrong with me today. I thought about wood, more thn I should.
.
I'm sorry. I'll be better tomorrow...... I hope. Yeah I always looked ok in front of thm anyway.

Thanks moon for satisfying my thirst today. I was craving for some time. Beer is niCe. 

Thank for telling me, I'm not annoying.
I'm sorry for not acting normal today.

This is unbelievable. I'm lazy to correct all the typos from last night. It was a good night's sleep I guess. I woke up with dried tears on the corners of my eyes. HAHA. WTF. I'm crazy. Let's hope badminton would go well today. Ok? Come on.

I just realized I might already sprained right foot too this time. Most probably from Friday night. Ggwp.

Someone once told me, you know you're old when you're starting to feel pain everywhere. Alright bro. Let's get old.

T.T

.

I remember when he said he wasn't feeling well, and that he has a bad back pain. I thought it was nothing, because he, as a very professional badminton player, he always had back pain. He said it was the damn dent in the mattress, so I said, sleep on the sides, sleep on the damn yoga mat I borrowed him earlier. He said, it was different. The next day he went home, and he was getting fever and all those shit pains. I wasn't reacting much, there was nothing I could do. I just told him, drink aloooooot of water and rest more. He said, it was different. I myself was busy preparing for form5 exams. Probably trials. Yeah, spm trials.

When he said suspect dengue, I was down. There overlapped a holiday, I don't remember what holiday it was. So I went to his place. He greeted me with a hug, and a kiss. He was at the living room, mostly napping. I was beside him, flipping my chemistry success reference book, but I couldn't pay attention. Then I only focused on changing the cloths and ice packs on his forehead. Changing positions, sometimes positioned it on the neck, and making sure it wasn't there for too long. His eyelashes are long, and pretty. I loved watching him nap, but not watching him sick. It kills me. I sat on the couch with him, in the same damn position until my legs numb, then I tiptoed to the refrigerator for another one. I remember, I kissed him on his lips, and told him to please just make me sick, then it wouldn't be dengue. Dengue can't be passed on tru saliva. I didn't get the fever tho.

I was back to school, still worried. And when I get home, I saw his texts. He was brought to the ER. He didn't update much. He said, the results were out and it was dengue positive. I sat on the corner on my room, pouring. Idk what I can do. I want to be by his side. But I didn't have a license and car at that time. It was unbearable. I want to be there but I couldn't. I was thinking, should I take a cab there? What can I do? I just don't know.

Everyday I texted him. I miss him, I begged him to get well. Every once awhile, I asked him, how are you feeling? Are you ok? You feeling better? He didn't say much. He was annoyed. He told me to stop asking him these stuff. He couldn't understand the helpless I was feeling. It kills me. I'm sorry for asking too many times. I was worried. I care. And I want you to be well, wood.

Suddenly it was Friday. Mom agreed to bring me to visit him. I don't remember how it went. But I remember when I first saw him, he was so pale. I was happy to finally be there with him. There was the IV sticking in. I asked him, does it hurt? He said, a little. He told me how dengue virus invades the host. He told me, how it enters the body then invades the host. He had dengue once when he was very little. He said, when that happens, the antibodies thought that the virus was the same. But it wasn't. The antibodies try to eat up the virus using the same way but they couldn't, because it can't bind. So it takes longer time for the clonal selection to complete, then only an effective immune response could be made. This extra time could kill the host. The way he said it kills me inside out. He finished his story and I couldn't stare at him anymore. I turned to the drapes. I stared at the windows, and told myself. Come on yh, don't cry. Don't cry he's just there. He's there. He told me to sit with him on the bed. I ran to the bathroom to wash my face, and returned to sit next to him. Then I hugged him, it was such a long hug, but I didn't wanna let go. I want hugs to last forever. I loved hugs so much, it felt like everything was gonna be fine. It felt like he was so close to me, and I could smell him, feel his heartbeat. He kept saying, that he's still hanging on, that he will try to recover. I wet his short sleeves. It was fucking terrible. I called mom and dad, and asked if I could stay there in the hospital with him, overnight. They said no. I was really upset. But I couldn't do anything.

I stayed with him long, then I went home. Mom asked me about him. Mom and grandma were sitting at the front seats. I spoke, and cried without sound. It probably sounded like I just spoke, but did they notice? I have no idea. Mom probably did. She talked to jiu2 about it, and told me what he said. He was always very calm, so he made it sound like it was no big deal. That night, mom said, "So are you feeling better now?"

The next day was a Saturday I think. I went to training without him. Then after that I went to the hospital again, with my reference books. There I was with him again. It was so great when the doctor entered and told us, "Good news, your platelets are rising." I couldn't describe anymore, hahaa. It was the best day of my life. He said, "You've won back your lifetime partner!" I said, yeah, and that's why I'm gonna appreciate you for the rest of my life. 

I guess he would never know how scared I was, of losing him. Up to now, our conversation almost always ended with "Don't let the mosquitoes bite you."

Honestly. Typing all this gave me a realization.

That's how much I used to love him. And did it stop? Mentioning this made me miss him, so madly rn. I miss him.

When was the last time I blogged out of frustration just because I missed him? I have no idea. It's been a long time...

APU friendly match

I think there's something wrong with me. It happened again.

What do people think when they don't tap in chats? Do you wish to continue the conversation tomorrow? Or... You're just bored of this person already? I thought both, I did that for only these two reasons, how about others?

Friendly match with APU. It was crazy tiring. Maybe because I slept too late and had insomnia in the middle. Have you ever get so so tired but you can't sleep, you toss and turn but you just can't sleep. And when you did, it feels like five minutes later your alarm just felt like breaking your dreams apart, making you exhausted to death. It sounds like it's mocking you, Ha, next time do not read a book past midnight cuz YOU WILL NOT STOP.

I played about four games, excluding the last three rounds with our own club members. Only won one. It was pretty good, everything. That's because I partnered sukma girl. Damn, she's so cool. Idol. We did ok. There was a few chances I get to smash. And I did. Sometimes, opponent couldn't take them, sometimes, they took them but sukma girl did a continual kill, and it was wow. Three serving mistakes, I can't believe myself. One day I'm gonna stand there and do 100 servings by my own, and make sure it all gets tru.

It's tiring, but I'm mentally hyped. My sister says I'm flirty. Am I? She hears me speaking on the phone, with anyone. With moon, with pineapple. She said, "You're flirty even to girls." What. The. ACTUAL FUCK. Maybe I sound flirty when I'm hyped? Cuz of all that hype. How do you make yourself less hype? The fuck.

I'm sed because we couldn't join them for lunch in village park. Such nice chicken, and rice, and sambal. All because of the fucking weighing machine. I think, in the future I'd need to bring a weighing maching to my hostel, so I can weigh daily and make sure I keep my weight constant. It's okay. All it well. Village park chicken is unhealthy. It's fat. I'll just make sure the reading goes down, then I will eat. Yas.

I think something's wrong with my entire body. Left ankle. Right knee. Right wrist. It's all not right. It seems like there's no problem, but foot couldn't go certain angles. Right knee was just weird. Wrist even weird. It's not weird during matches, but weird during anything random. Like turning a doorknob, throwing my pillow back to my bed, lifting little things, wearing my pants. It's not right at all. And it's only occasionally weird. I'm getting old.

Today seems like a nice day. So grandpa will be ok. I think. There's no updates, but really, seriously hopefully nothing's gonna happen.

I'm so tired. Moon seems odd these days. Idk what's with him. Haih. 

.

Idk how long I've been awake. I probably slept at 3 smtg. Now it's almost 6am.

Mom threw away my very ugly looking pencil bolster. It was the softest thing that contained all my tears when wood broke up with me. The softest little thing...... I miss that thing. She replaced my two very ugly pencils with two filling real bolsters. But I prefer my ugly old buddy. I can't stop thinking about what happened, what would happen.

I don't use to be like this. I can usually sleep even without the pencil. Whenever I leave home, I usually could sleep well.

Something's making me extremely empty inside idk what's wrong. Haih.

.

It's 2am. Honestly I want to convince myself that... I'm awake because my hair hasn't dry yet. I'm not thinking about anything. But I really am thinking about stuff.

I can't believe how hyper I was just now. Excited for many things without a reason. Why? Tomorrow there's a friendly match. Then at night I MIGHT be able to date yip man. Let's see how things go. But at the other side, I'm worried. Grandpa's condition is getting bad. They told us to be prepared. So we're gonna prepare to ffk anyone. Ffk anyone... If anything goes wrong, tomorrow's tbc date would be cancelled. I might not attend friendly match. I might skip training. I might...... Skip loong squad's badminton session. I might cancel everything I've planned.

Honestly I don't feel much. It's like I've accepted how life would go. Everyone are brought into the world to explore, to learn, to contribute then leave. We all are gonna go... I think everyone's pretty clear about how badly he's doing. Maybe that's the reason. The reason I would wanna appreciate whatever good is happening right now......

I'm actually imagining the entire July. Would grandpa get better for good? Can he just.. stand up and say "Holy fuck I'm feeling good." ? I was imagining next Friday. Maybe I'd have the urge to go F9 squad due to big guy? Maybe ET would still attend once awhile?

I feel bad about having orange left out from the trip plan. She's supposed to go. But shell and stomata wasn't really happy about the last time we went together because of her. Wait, I wasn't happy too but... This isn't right. I miss Arm, I'm excited for the trip, because we're gonna go meet him in Melaka! Damn, I really miss him. The one malay guy that sat next to me, that learned to speak loads of Chinese words from me. He's a smart guy.

What's gonna happen in Japan. This would be the first time ever, I'm flying with my family to another country for a trip! Fucking first time. I'm actually excited af. But feeling sad that we wouldn't get to see mimi. The cat. He died awhile ago. He was always there when aunt skyped us.

I'm excited about all the trips. But being away for three sundays? Not excited at all. I might go for degree in Aug. Pineapple too would go for degree in end of July or early Aug. If I spent the entire July on trips, it means lesser and lesser chances with her. This is so.... sad. And with Loong squad too. What would happen when I go for degree?

"YH! Wanna drink?"
Ever since Idk when, I'm not hearing it much anymore. From my guess, maybe because ET's with someone now, he gets less wild. And he'd keep the distance so his girl gets comfortable and secured. It's completely understandable, and sed. I'm gonna miss out Loong and moon's birthday. I'm sed. I'd like to see Loong drunk. It must be super fun.

The fun is ending... It's really ending. I guess we can see that so clearly. Or was it just me ? I haven't been drinking for at least ten days. Ok if drinking at home doesn't count. Good thing tho, cuz I'm getting fat. Their birthdays might be the last chance to ever get crazy before uni starts.

What's gonna happen when uni starts? Am I gonna befriend wood again? Are we gonna have a peaceful friendship? Or are we gonna be like strangers? He'd bring me for a tour, and tell me about the darkest secrets abt his uni. At least that was what he told me he'd do. But would he? Are we gonna play badminton together there? Or he'd watch me getting to know the people in the club, then being unhappy? He dislikes the members, due to political stuff. He said, I'll catch their attention because too little girls play. Would I stay antisocial with him or get social while watch him being antisocial? Am I gonna come back to pj every week like I wish? Are we gonna carpool or... I come back by train or anything? Will we keep in touch? Am I keeping in touch with ET squad, or Loong squad? How about moon. How about pineapple. And everyone else...

......

Friday 9pm, go, or not go?

I'm hapi. I was really struggling whether to come or not, for friday 9pm squad. The squad is almost broken apart. Not fully, but there are just few left. BH's there consistently, I'm honestly proud of him. I don't know why I struggled. Maybe because ET used to always be there. I miss how it was. The atmosphere, everything's different. It makes me sad. I don't wanna go.

Moon told me to go. It's so sed. There was just five of them at first. So I joined after a whole day thinking. Then moon's cute friend joined, Rogers. But one ffk-ed. Six was actually just nice. But it was boring for me. I got myself warmed up, then all the playing got me cool down. I'm sorry. Moon's trying to get rogers to lose weight, but... rogers didn't have the footwork, how can he lose weight if he didn't run throughout the entire game??

So I attempted to teach him footwork. He's willing to learn that. But it seems really hard. I was bored. I thought "lucky the finished the game fast." But the next game was still...... Handicapped.  It's just hard to get tired.

Fortunately someone was as bored as I am. There's a big guy in the opposite court who just finished training. He walked towards us, and asked if we want to play doubles. I said, sure! He partnered the little boys, and me with cute friend. I thought they would trash us. But I guess big guy wasn't putting any effort, and the little boys weren't good. We actually played single, and talked a little.

A Klang guy, 24 y o. He said he was bored to death, I said, me too. I beat him by 21-19. Then he followed me to our court for doubles. There I realized, I didn't really beat him by 21-19. He let me win. Oh god. He let me win. Damn it. I think he could trash everyone in our court. He was that good. Wow...... One win one lose. We went to change.

"All wet."
"Me too! Lucky you called me to play with you if not, I was having trouble breaking a sweat."
*Laughs*
"I'll be here every Friday."

Wow. Is that a "see you next week"? Haha. Even tho... Even tho I thought coming was worth it only because of him... Am I coming next week?

Hmmm.

ABRSM

ABRSM Grade 8 Guitar. I wore a white collared top, exactly like librarian uniform but just prettier, plus black pants. My hair looked like shit so I braided it. It made me realized that braiding is actually a way to prevent it being annoying. I shouldn't have cut off my hair. I should've just braided it for the competition. Maybe I can braid them everytime I badminton. That would be comfortable.

We got to the wrong hotel but luckily the right one was just five minutes walking distance. I was late. I held the case with my right hand. Hands trembling. You know.... The feeling after lifting heavy objects, then using chopsticks. It trembles. The waiting room was full of people. I practiced quietly, I thought, "I'm dead." And I was called.

The examiner is a while man. He seems nice, but that doesn't stop the shakiness on my left hands. "Let's start with scales." I think I did good. Better than during class. Yeah... even for the dominant and diminish scales. I did good. Three songs? I didn't do too well for Sonata due to the shakiness. My HANDS SHAKE. FUCK. It was too cold. Luckily not as cold as during class. I had training: low temperature tolerance. Really, luckily. It taught me to play under extreme conditions. Second piece, I did great on Sor. The expression stuff are done ok. I did whatever I was trying to do. So I hope I get a 29 for that. Please give me a fucking 29. Or 28. English suite was deadly. It was a bad start. My mind went blank. But the muscle memory was there. I restarted and it was ok. Let's hope he doesn't deduct much from that mistake. All was ok. But the second part.... I wasn't putting enough expression on it. UGH. No excuses, I didn't have enough practice. I fucked sight reading. FOUR SHARPS. FUCK YOU MAN. WHY. Why did he do that to me. He looked so kind. But evil as FUCK. I fucked sight reading. It was a good start and a good ending, but in the middle it sounds like 21th century piece. Fuck that shit. Aural.was bad. I fucked cadence. I thought I would do well on cadence. I overestimated myself. That was my fault. I didn't give myself enough practice on that. That was my fault. Singing lower part was ok. That's the only part I can get a full mark. But the rest..... Features, I said weird stuff again. I'm probably half correct. Maybe I can get 3marks there. Fuck.

Overall, I should pass. But no more high distinction. Terrible. I'm happy it's over but. I'm disappointed how I did for aural. I could've done better. Not sight reading. I couldn't do anything about four sharps. I was confirmed dead.

The grab driver took a long time to finally accept me. Then to drive me back. It was pretty jam. We weren't speaking at first. I broke the ice by asking random questions, then it was silence. We were both bored so he broke the ice again. Hmm. Is it so hard to strike a convo? He thought I was a uni student. I guess dressing up formal would make me look older? Then here we go. He was actually talkative. Shy guy I guess. He probably has a wife. And kids. Thanks for the advice bro. I'd think about, and do some researches. He asked bout my direction. I said it bravely, because I'm probably not gonna see him in the future anyway. Come, bash my dreams. Surprisingly he didn't. Sometimes it's us who judge others. It's us. I assumed everyone in this world would judge me and bash me whenever I say what I'm up to, what course I'm heading towards. But they didn't. Park wil didn't too. They said, it's not bad. They encouraged me. So thank you, very much.

It's tiring. I think there's so much to be done. Finally. The second last day dad has to talk to me bout exam. I really hate him asking me. I hate anyone asking me. He doesn't see me much. But everytime he sees me, his words are "Are you ready for exam? Did you memorize? Did you this, did you that, blahblahblah...." It's fucking annoying. What do you expect? It's grade 8 exam and I'm not gonna memorize? Of course I would! And when i practiced, he'd be like "Oh no you're dead. You wanna pass with that?" Do you hear me play? Go take exam. Quit talking to me. This is the fucking reason I insisted not learning under him. Would you mock your students, or would you mock your daughter? You see me briefly striking the strings in front of the tv. Am I playing in the fucking exam hall? No then stop saying like I should. Ugh.. I'm sorry for throwing tantrums on anyone who talked to me bout the exam. It's really annoying. Don't tell me how much I should score for each session. Don't tell me how to live my life. Don't tell me even if it's not guitar exam. Any exam. I'd prefer the type of support mom and sis gives. She asked me. Did you bring this, did you bring that. She'd ask me, are you hungry? Go study I'll heat up soup for you. I don't need more pressure. I need you to understand when I need to burn the midnight oil, not to disrupt your sleep but just to work hard. And she understands.

Badminton is love. But I'm not doing well on drops recently. Really bad. I didn't even smash much today. I feel 90% always irritated. I have no idea why. Wait I actually know. Like I told arrogant. I hate that a lot.

Cinnamon's appearance changed a little. Honestly I thought she looked better before. But ah it was just me who got used to her previous looks. Ooh today is a special day. I met Andrea and Jeanne. I actually talked to Andrea even tho we weren't close at all in class. Had some nice updates, then I asked her, is that Jeanne? She confirmed it. Yas I thought my eyes weren't right. And she waved from the court. Ahh. So long time no see I almost forgot her full name. A librarian friend, which I'm like 200 times closer with her than with Andrea. I'm hapi she asked me to join her on the following Wednesdays. I would really consider that.

It's a tiring day.

I accidentally ate a little bit. Luckily Loong helped with the Loh mee. I actually put half the portion into a bowl and asked him to pick(they both were almost the same). Cinnamon's sick. Sed life. Everyone's sick! Whyyy. Even wood....

Honestly I think I really should get rid of the diminish. It's not right. The gestures. No. It's nothing.

I should get my priority right. I'd love to go to Japan, with my fam. Because fam is love. And it's such a crazy great opportunity! I've always wanted to participate dad's exhibitions. It's gonna be sooooo cool. This time it's ESP and takamine. Fuck. I'm going. It's just one week. I'll be back. Yeah. It'll be awesome. I know that ET squad, moon squad, they'll always be here. Something tells me that appreciation is important. But fam and friends, there must be certain fixed portion.

Yh. Fuck everything. Life is awesome.

Diminish

I'm glad I only told certain close friends about diminish.

Honestly I was pretty frustrated for no reason today. Being a parasite bothers me.

I think I'm like my dad, my dad said he feels sick whenever there's day offs. He must work to feel whole. Maybe I'm just a little like my dad? Everyday studying takes my breath away but... I feel like I'm rotting to death at home not studying or doing anything useful.

Diminish may be as small as minor. But it's still a diminish. One text turns frowns into smiles.

Hehe let's work hard until tomorrow, tomorrow I'll live again.

Ohhhh stop it you.

Ever since 18 of October, I liked to keep my phone silent. Up to now, I don't hear my notification that often anymore. Sometimes they complain about me not picking up the phone. But usually.... Not many people text me often.

Sometimes I accidentally leave the sound on. So it rings. Who is it this time ?

Oh hi. That was unexpected.
That was so unexpected.

To do:

4681.
The last four digits were 4681.

It's funny how something you've remembered all your life could suddenly disappear in your mind. Then pops back out in the middle of nowhere.

I was playing with my hair, thinking about how I should do something about the quality, then.. how I should improve myself. I weighed. It breaks me. I finally hit a stable 47. Why can't I resist junk food? Why can't I continue workout like I used to? What's with me?

I watched mamy movies. The more I watch, the more I feel empty. Like what's wrong with me?

I think I might still get a distinction. But I might fail too. My stamina's not good enough, but definitely enough to pass this shit. Enough to last till the third piece, English suite. Mr Fung's texting me. He didn't use to be like this. Look how worried he is. I'm sorry.

I need to lose weight.
I need to do something useful.
Tomorrow's the day I finish all the exams I can think of. So tomorrow. After tomorrow, I'm done. Tomorrow I'd reach home sad. I know I'm gonna be sad. I'm gonna fuck up aural, and fuck up the third piece. My hands would shake, I won't play as well as during practices.

But I'd have done my best. I never had my fingertips skin growing out this fast. It's so thick I could pick up hot plates without any burning sensation. I practiced. I stayed up. I have nothing else.

After this, I'm going home, sad. And I'm gonna get back on working out. I'm gonna run and work back on abs. I'll  have to drop to 44 before degree starts. No more midnight snacks. No more anytime snack, unless it's fruits or vege. Come on.

I did this once, I can do it again.

Random

I think I'm ok. I'm good to go. Weds is guitar exam. Mr Fung's dead worried. Duh, I played badly. I still play badly. Recently I'm learning to be like my sister I guess. Practicing with a movie. I'm catching up with my to do list: movies plus practice at the same time. It's good that even if I had to play softer, I could still train up stamina.

I think I'm good to go, but I'm not sure. All my life, I never get lower than 20/30. Am I gonna screw up my record? Am I gonna screw up aural? I did badly. But I tried. My sister helped me. Thank you sis.

I'm worried. Now the fingertips are too thick that I always slide too far. Its thick and hard. My violin teacher felt it, and said, it must've been crazy to train this up. YES, yes it is.

I practiced+watched movies till midnight, the house was so quiet and lonely that
I took a shot.

I think it's cool how xo changes mind.
The first time I drank that, I said Ew it sucks.
The second time, it tastes like petrol.
The third and so on, it's actually okay.
Just now, I took it without ice and anything. Not bad.

Let's have a good sleep. No rest tomorrow.
Please, I need to get a distinction to prove dad wrong. To prove everyone who think I couldn't,, wrong.

This recently there are so many breakups.

Talk to your buddies, go crazy and pour out, cry all you want and then... Let go.
"I have no one."

This is the first time I pity someone for having no one, instead of breaking up.

Hey love I'm gonna remember your number from now on. So one day if my battery dies, and when I'm in deep shit, I could still dial your number. Bro yes I'm talking bout you.

I'm not sure what's gonna happen in the future. Idk whether the ones who've reached the top of priority are gonna stay there. Idk if they're gonna stay at all. But I'll chain you forever bro.

Let's hope we pass this shit. It's just grade 8, no big deal!

Badminton is love

I played badminton for five hours again today. I fucking drove jazz. I'm fine AF. I wish I have Loong's tiny appetite. No wonder he's losing weight. Ugh. I need to reduce food consumption. Ffffff. I should eat ice instead.

Training then Loong squad. I guess this is like the only time I drive, cuz parents not around. Hmm. CBA. I missed this place. I don't miss the cashier at all. Oh and today is the first time I rewrapped the grip by myself. Wood used to do that for me. I guess I had to lose him to learn to do things by myself. I wrap okay. I don't miss him.

It was pretty tiring. My form wasn't too good. My drops were better right after abit of practice. Wow. It really makes huge difference. My drops were terrible for weeks. Few minutes of concentrating on dropping made obvious difference. Too good.

Then dinner. ET's closest circle was there. That was nice. But they play too much!!

How do you feel hanging out with us? Do you feel older? Do you feel more matured?
I duno. Maybe a little? I do feel older.

Let's exclude the liking alcohol part, it's good. I remember the times I had to think of something to make myself forget about the life I have. I remember when I had to read to escape reality. Now I read for fun. I badminton for fun, because I love to. Not to escape, just because I like to. And you guys are here. Because you guys are here.

The boys have one same channel they share. This game they play. They're always that antisocial after we eat. They'd just play. Omg.
ET said, join us!
HAHA. I thought about that. But I better don't.
Let's see what I'll do after guitar exam.

There is too much to rush. For now.

Updates: I have no idea about pooh drama. Then ck is still emo. ET seems to be accepting how shits go already. Yip man was pretty emo, are you still? Heh.

I can't believe I told you so much. Now I don't think there's anything you don't know about me. Backstab me and I'm finished, omg. But bro. I trust you! I don't think you will. You're like my diary, bro. HAHA. The tiniest craziest feelings, I let you know all. Believe or not, when the most craziest stuff bothers me and I couldn't blog about it, I tell you. Damn, look how much I love you. I even told you all the dramas in the squad

Yeah I feel old. Because I have this friend that I talk to. She talked to me when I broke up. Now I'm trying to help her. She said, I talk with more sense now. And she feels like getting to know older peeps instead of college kiddos.
"Wow is that a good thing?"
Yeah of course it is.
Does she badminton?
No, highschool bestie. Closest bestie.

I'm no good speaker. If you cry in front of me, I have no words. Maybe I can give you a hug, let you rant until you're happy enough. Maybe I can just stay there with you and... I'm not sure what to say, usually.
But it's a very cool thing to know, telling my own shits helped. Telling how my life went and how I got tru it, helped. This is how grateful I am rn.

Good to be home. I hope they all don't get drunk. I hope you all don't get drunk. Honestly I'm so not used to calling him just ck. It used to be ck Tina like whenever I told mom about who I'm with, I'd be like "ET Loong". Sed. I'm sorry that our kind let you down...

ET actually asked me.
"Do you love me more or Loong more?"
I love you both equally. Hahaha.
"I love you more." There he goes giving the fluttering face. HAHA. Crazy ass.

Be safe.

I'm a hapi kid.
I just hope I improve badminton more. Haih.

I'm not doing things well these days. Holidays, but guitar progress not as good as imagined. I didn't even touch violin oh fuck. I'm supposed to be on diet, keeping fit, make everything better before degree starts. I am, watching movies, reading books, I am trying to run. But uh let's forget the running part. Everything's just going okay, not good and not crazy awesome. I feel like a piece of shit parasite. I need to work, or get to degree. I need to get out more. Even tho I am already going out.... But it isn't right. I'm playing too much badminton and not doing anything else. That's wrong. I'm going to fall in love with hanging around with ET squad, then feel completely different and empty once degree starts.

Haih. Let's hope I get back on track to LIFE, soon. Soon!

Damn it.

Replay

I was doing some recording of my own playing. Oh my. I suck. I can't even make a perfect record of Sor. How am I gonna play the third piece? Siao.

I accidentally saved one that I was supposed to delete. So I played every single one of the records to find that audio.

Hmm what's this. Oh I played secret on piano.
The records I made for pabo to practice.
These?
Omg. I said these when I was tipsy.

There goes my crazy voice. And the rest of the group. Loong's, ET's, V's, Swt's voice. They're all in there.

I might not have a complete group photo to prove that there was at least once, everything wasn't apart.
But I have their voices.

Their voices months ago. When everything wasn't falling apart.

Or did they? At that time...
The laughs, the cheers, were they real?
I'm not even sure anymore.

Then there was another one.
That's Wood's voice. And pineapple's. We had lunch in Vary pasta. Haha. Great old times. That I guarantee, was real. But it couldn't happen anymore...

Still, conclusion: bro stick to small circles. If not you'd question what's real and what's not in the memories, and you'll never know......

Cries.

Characterless

I found myself needing to draft, from time to time. Why? Why am I scared to put real stuff up? It's my blog.

I don't know how often you read them. I don't know how accurate you can guess the real stories about what I wrote here. Even if I wrote them without character, you might guess. And you might guess correctly.

Once again I'm sorry for keeping certain stuff to myself. Priority list changes. For me, maybe... he will be out of the priority list but somewhere really really special that no one could ever replace. Then he, he is slowly climbing up.

I had to remind myself, do not treat guys as besties. Because once friendship gets crazy close, it might spark. Then friendships get ruined. It's a special case for this guy. I think he's one of my closest friends already, but this one would never spark at all! Ha. No idea what gave me this thought, but he'd friendzone me and I'd friendzone him so it would be a win win friendship situation. But other guys aren't like that I guess.

Once you treat him as a bestie, he might fall for you. Then the reason you could tell him everything...... Disappears. He wants you, your life, he wants to be with you that's why. So if you reject, he might just run away. You lose a bestie. Heartbreakingly..

Everything's possible. Even when I thought someone brotherzones me. Sisterzones me.

I'm not sure what you're gonna guess this time. But.... I hope you understand. Sometimes... It's the security level that changes the order of priority lists. Maybe I couldn't tell you as much anymore. I hope you don't simply set conclusions in this because I'm not just talking about one guy in this post.

Trust and comfort level could go down. It went down quite a lot because of... Stuff. I think it's not wrong for having someone else climbing up to the top. Sometimes I'd hope you don't read them this frequently so I can write whatever I want. It's like...

I'm not sorry. I'm just... I duno.

It's different when you hear stories from both sides. He says this, he says that. You listen to both sides, then make your decision that you thought it would be the best. Like when you're in the middle, listening to what she said then what she said. You get worried because you sense the distant between the two. But in this case, not distant, more like.... Opinion difference. You did what's best. Then it sounds like you ruined it all. Then you receive some shit talk that doesn't make any sense.

I know what's gonna happen, man. You didn't expect that, but I did. It's the consequences, so don't be guilty. That's not your problem anymore. That's mine. When the words are out, I know what would happen. When one photo is sent, I know. But maybe I didn't know you would be that quick, but I knew what you'd do. He didn't mind. So settle down, don't hope for the best.

"What can I do? It's a process."
Yeah it's a process.

I'm thankful he didn't tell me that he had feelings for her that even before he left me. I couldn't get any more broken. Haha. The guy I thought I would spend my entire lifetime with, developing feelings for another girl when we were facing hardship. Was it a coincidence then? Or like he said, he was finding an excuse to put me away? It doesn't matter anymore. Thank you for telling me just earlier this year.

You bursted my bubble. I told myself, good guys exist, but you and I couldn't be together because we spark too much, we combust. I used to tell myself, I'm secured with you. I believed you wouldn't do anything with girls behind my back. I guess I was wrong. I was always wrong about you anyway.