The problem about me, is I can't let go. Yes I thought I can. Even my sister said I can't. Why didn't I even considered to leave this country? Why do I bother staying here? Because of my ex. Because of loong squad. Because of people I didn't think I can live without.

And when people started inviting, two different groups. Lavana or loong squad? I'd choose loong squad, all the time. Why the fuck.

Why did I joined you guys lesser previously? Because we were still close, I prioritized them. Now we're not close, why do I still choose them over lavana? Idk. Because I missed them. Let's not talk about the standard. Fine, if standard, of course loong squad wins. Well that's another thing.

I loved loong squad. Just miss how things were supposed to be. I'm not saying I don't like lavana squad. Lavana's a newer squad to me. And I'm that shittily looking back. Fuck life.

Crisp might have decided not to add me back. Who does that anyway??? So weird.

But he definitely did texted me to invite me for baddy. Means he knows, we were never in bad terms.

I apologized for that tho, and said, it was ET not him. He actually said don't be mad at ET cuz he's a good guy.

Ewmyfuckingbraincannottakethisbs. I almost puke seriously so gross so ew so disgusting I'm dead.

The next time I say something good about someone, I'm gonna ask myself. Do I really know this guy?? I'm pretty sure not many people can be as disgusting as him. Those who are, are usually super obvious that they don't even disguise, you know their colours so that you don't hurt yourself. That way it's fine. Unlike that shit ass who makes everyone thinks he's nice. Please just fuck off.

Do you know

It's the best when everyone expect you not to know, but you know.

I don't thank the squad for teaching me drinking games, I can learn them afterwards.

It was funny tho. They asked me, do you know how to play lying dice? I said yeah. Maybe ours is different, but nah, I learnt the standard one. They asked me, do you know what's suona ? I said yeah it's an instrument. Too hilarious. It's like yeah I'm 20. But I'm definitely not yet supposed to know the things I know now. They were gonna show me the pg21 stuff and I'm like 'I already saw them all'. You're asking a girl from a family of musicians.

Maybe we should learn things like how Dr kee does. He's cute. Ugh. I can't get over with how he says "Drive safe, ms Lee." Too cute. Hahhahahahaa ok ignore me.

Life is fine. I'm getting over the shits. I might not get back half the payment I deserve, because, duh we're talking bout an ass owing money. If ass doesn't pay, ass's friends will slowly know what he had done. Life is, when you can't afford, your brothers pay for you first. Altho that shows how unmanly you are, if you just want your shitty stories to be told, I can grant that. Hah. Gosh the thought disgusts me. Even tho I always thought I never really unloved my first, he disgusts me too. What's with the ew, or else.

Boys, generally disgusts me. But we can learn a thing or two from the super old ones, for self development, true? Learn.

I feel like everything is easier when it comes to badminton. I've seen my neighbors a million times. We smiled, we never talked. I was always picturing, what if I went to befriend my neighbors? It would be nice to have flatmates. Idk what that is, fuck it.

Two days ago, I saw a neighbor. She lives just next next door, and she went to badminton club. Of course we recognized each other. But we didn't really play with each other tho.

Today I saw neighbor. I didn't think twice. I talked to her. It's that simple. She said she plays badminton since young, until now. Sounds good. I said, let's play together next time. It's that easy. With baddy, everything's easy, isn't it ?

I wish I have this kind of guts even if I lost my arm.

Inti BC

A new squad coming up.

Inti badminton club time is from 6-9 on some weekdays. I used to be really on time. Once I stayed back late, I started to play with the committees. The committees only play after 9 when they're off duty. So I stay with them. Well there's Not many. Just three committees, and some others that enjoy staying too.

I wrongfully judged the club committees. They don't just elect their close friends. These people do their work. They have passion and responsibility for what they do. The president, swimming, some people call him TCM. Lmao. I prefer calling him Jon snow but of course the actual jon snow is fucking hot, incomparable. VP, they guy with grey hair I still dk how to name him yet, don't know him too well. Menshoe as the secretary. She can't play well, but she's improving, and she's Willing to learn. Good girl. Then lastly YS. This one reminds me of loong. He plays super well, he can take any shots. Why he reminds me of loong? He's the cool cool type, but reveals his little inner personalities super occasionally. Play so well, but humble af. I like him.

So usually I'd partner jon snow, menshoe would partner ys. It's pretty much balanced, since menshoe is improving, with such pro partner, while jon snow wasn't that skilled, and me my arm this terrible condition.

It's a weird combination. Sometimes there'd be others. Idk how to name them yet.

Sonchow is a little arrogant kid. Okay he's just a year younger. You'd be happy to get his compliments, but oh gosh. He's mad. I secretly told him that I think ys is reaaaally good, then he went to challenge him, of course, lost all of them. I should've agreed to bet.

Ys said it's fine, because he never played singles for a really long time. It surprised me when he said, sonchow could've won, because of his skills and all, plus he said he's not a single player. Could see.

It's a funny thing, that we never asked each other's names, but we know. We all have our ways. When there's a will.

I didn't get to add crisp back, tho.
He probably noticed, and accidentally pressed add friend. It's not a normal thing to do, if someone removed you, do you have the pride to send a new friend request? Males will never have. It's not crisp's fault I removed him. Guess I'll always feel sorry that I never explained to him.

I'll have new squads. But I'll never forget the old ones.

I always thought Loong squad has forgotten me. They don't care about me anymore. They don't give any fucks. They love their ET, and whatever ET said, they will believe.

Crisp added me back. The one I felt mosr guilty removing him. I'm sorry crisp. He wasn't even supposed to notice. If he doesn't care, he wouldn't notice. Idk. I'm so confused. Maybe the ones that I hope they care, doesn't care anymore. Loong.

I miss them.
That's the reason I removed them all, right? I miss them but I can't. ET disgusts me. He caused me all this. He shouldn't even have attempted to go after me. I'm this much younger, what did he expect, me willingly to listen to his bullshit for the rest of my life? Ew pls. Stop.

I had exceptions.
I didn't remove loong and doctor.
Crisp can be another exception too, I guess.

Oh you're still training ?
Yeah every sunday morning. Used to not join this squad because I had another group playing at 2-5.
And what happened to that group?
Dramas. Badminton life is drama.
What actually happened ?
They don't know me anymore.

You're dead if it matters.
You're dead if you care.

That doesn't mean we should live really heartlessly right? That doesn't mean we should change all in the future to prevent this, prevent that.

Guys who liked me, knew me tru badminton. None ended well, doesn't mean I should stop badminton, right? Doesn't mean I shouldn't trust anyone from baddy squads right ? Doesn't mean it's super dangerous if this squad's starting to be part of my life, right ?

I'm glad we broke up, and they don't know me anymore. So that I'd start to join this squad. Setapak squad. They aren't as old as loong squad. Maybe a couple of them are, Aaron's age. But the rest, mostly 24, 25, 26. Pretty young. I have faith that there will be zero romanization in this group. Please. The lesson is learnt. Badminton is more important. To maintain a badminton squad, there has to be no love. If not, it dies. Look what happened to ck and his old girl. Guys fighting over a girl. What happened to your ethics? Look what happened to loong squad?

As long as we all friendzone each other well, no harm will be done. It's a better decision.

Sometimes I click into people's profiles. This guy, national player. I remember he used to post duo photos with his girl. They all disappeared. I get it. You guys broke up. This is why, never post photos with your love, it's never lasting. It's all unstable temporary shits. Don't post, don't need to remove. You shed a tear when you remove, admit it. There's no need for extra drama. Nothing lasts forever. Friendships are no guarantee too. It's just... At least, without any romance, there are lower risks of ruining it all.

I know my exes tru badminton.
I started to baddy. I had a crush for rivergrass back then, which was a baddy friend.
I started to become a school team player. I admired our BC president. We got together, broke.
I started to play a lot, a lot. I was never a happy person, so I played, and played.
Moon had something for me, at FCUC BC.
He introduced me to Loong squad.
ET had something for me. I accepted, and fucked up.
Every fuck ups' got something to do with badminton. Every single one. Why? Am I prettier when I badminton? Do I play with a very nice posture that people take second looks on me? If that's the case I think it's all finished.

I blogged so much, so much, because of baddy. Because of how fucked up I was. I have such blog because of badminton. It's so fucking obvious i should quit badminton and get my life back to normal. But it's already done.

Upset? Go baddy.
Happy? Go baddy.
It's literally part of my life. I don't even care what level of skills of peeps we're playing with. Haih so conflicting. I don't even know whether it's good to have a dramatic life. I'd see people without a life, and feel really bad for them. But at the same time, I feel bad for myself. Ish.

If you're not coming to my house to fetch me somewhere, it's nearly impossible to gain my prioritization, in other words, getting my decision to set your notifications into... notifyable.

Zien did it. Haha. First guy tbh. First guy after so long. Makes me a little worried but ish what would happen? He's such a weird person. I'm thinking back, and realized every single person that I've changed notification settings were due to them fetching me. They're fetching me, so I didn't want to keep them waiting, so I changed their notifications. This guy, is different.

The people who actually know me slightly better, don't know me at all. Does it sound conflicting ? I'm quite envied by these peeps. They see me maintaining Dean's list, at the same time having a large network in the baddy world, music world, with crazy amount of night life.

What they don't see is the suffer. Struggles to finish all the assignment before deadlines, struggles to write good reports and journals to get a better mark, struggles to keep all studies up to date so I don't ruin my cGPA. Struggles to go back and forth from north to south, the time spent, the exhaustion. How tired that is, saying "I'm on" for each baddy session, the amount of injure in the bad bad arm. Night life ? I don't even have that anymore. Just that my tolerance slightly remained. They don't see the bad immune system whichs gotten me sick and infected here and there so much frequent than it used to be. I'd obviously face these because of how greedy I am.

I love spending time doing something adventurous. I will not stick to one activity till the end. No matter how cautious I am towards any single male who's treating me slightly better, I go out. I make friends, just not that dangerously.

What they don't see, is the alone time. How terrifying the alone time is. Even with the assignments, quizzes, journals that has to be done, I have the tendency to day dream, to overthink. I ruin my days by doing that. It's the silence that awakens the voices. It's what kept me so busy. I don't want the voices, get me?

There's nothing to be envious about. I had a lot, I lost a lot. Each time, I lose a little ability to be friendly. I lose the ability to connect. My life looks interesting eh?

It comes with a price.

Predator

I bravely uploaded a photo of me and him. Hahahahah it was a pity I had to blur him out, it was a really nice candid. I don't like the idea of his face in my profile. Despite the fact that everything's bad shits are forgiven, he still did played us all like a toy back then. The day when truths revealed, I snapped "Rot in hell" and he even knew I was talking about him.

It's real because I wrote it at midnight. Everything that comes from me are gonna be real. Nicsman asked me what kind of guy I'm into. I said, none. I said, unless you're talking about friends preference, then I'm actually quite okay with any kind. He wasn't satisfied with my answer. Crazy guy.

I enjoy catching up a little with these super pro baddy buddies. Oh god the happy face when he officially bought the two rackets, so pure! So happy. Omg. Makes me happy for him. Gah. Aw. Nicsman's a social guy, even my sis agrees. Actually both are. Him and ginger. Just ginger has a resting grumpy face. Especially when we badminton, duh, we all act super professional when it comes to badminton, it's a thing. To think of it, we actually never really met many times. We used to only talk during baddy, from there we get to know each other. Then suddenly we talked about movies, and we started to go for double dates.

Not exactly double dates. Nicsman has his girl with him, but ginger and I are definitely friendzones for both parties. Which is good. I don't want anything bad happen to lasting friendships. The same thing I told ginger. I'm glad moon didn't get with me, so we won't be exes, we won't ruin such rare friendship.

You don't look that way

Sometimes, I'm quite relieved he never officially introduced me to his friends, making his friends into my friends. I'd pass by a few, I'd pass by many. Many would recognize me, I recognize many too. Cons of having this sort of good memory. I'd give a smile, they'd smile back. I couldn't see his name anymore, but I'm pretty sure they could. They could see that he's with another girl rn, and I could see it in their eyes. The expression, trying not to be judgemental but so so curious about how I managed it.

Everything happening in the world is soooo misleading. Sometimes you hear stories about how extremely badly a person is mentally fucked up, but when you see them, they looked perfectly fine as if the thing never happened, but it actually happened. Sometimes you see your friend's life getting crazy extreme twists, you feel sorry for them, you feel sad for them. But maybe, they themselves decided to make that twist, and felt entirely happy with such decision. Sometimes you see this, it just doesn't mean this. Recently my life's like that.

I've made twists, a couple of them. I was fucked up for a couple days, and faked it until I made it. I was fucked up for a couple weeks, but nobody knew what exactly happened until recently I stupidly exposed myself. I say things that people never get. People want stories from me but they get nothing. It's funny how they asked for stories. How would you know I have stories? We're not even fb friends. That guy, omg. My sister has a big mouth.

Officially 30. Happy birthday, ck. Unfollowed. I was pretty mean in terms of these. I'm pretty mean in everything, actually. My sister said we're all good people. I have no shit clue why she said that. I don't even know myself. I know what image I presented to people. I'm not a very nice person. I'm straightforward, I don't take anyone's bullshit, I'm tired of life, I dislike people, there is no love in me. It's quite normal to have that impression, I guess. People change. I wonder why, even. There are many many times, I care about so many things, but I know, I never really showed like I care.

I removed loong's squad like we never knew each other. Does it seem heartless? I love that squad. Not even past tense. I removed my first love from all of my social media. Does it seem heartless? I loved that guy. So much. I can't even say the same thing for any other guy. Well, why. Are there any other options? I think, it's an action out of habits. Ever since him, I looked more and more heartless. I've gotten used to it.

Fake it til you make it.
Remember to never present your vulnerable side? Remember to never trust? Remember what ET turned out to be when you were real to him? Remember the consequences? Even if it means having the entire world misunderstanding your thoughts, it's the safest option. It doesn't feel good to see people wrongfully judged you. But it's actually better that way. You can appear as a fucktard meanie in front of everyone, but as long as you retain your qualities, nobody will get hurt. Never show that you care, cuz they will take advantage of that, and destroy you.

Does it sound a little negative there? It's just reality. Gosh I hope yip man doesn't read all this. It's all for myself. I don't really want you to think like how I think. My life doesn't work out right, so changes have to be made. Survival of the fittest, we gotta adapt to our environments isn't it?

You'll get hurt. You'll get depressed. Betrayed. Played. Used. Misunderstood. But no one else should know, because once they know how dumb you are, they'd come to give it a try, like you're a game. Guess ET had that mindset. So never expose yourself. Never tell your stories. Never give out that sort of trust.

I wonder why I have such thoughts during midnights. Sometimes it's quite suffocating. Cuz you know, you'll be alone. Alone is the safest. You can cry all you want, drink all you want, and nobody will touch you. Things I do vs things I advice people to do are never same.

Friend, what's wrong? Talk to someone.
Never tell your stories, the consequences could make you suffer for the rest of your life.

I'm paranoid. I'm terrified. I'm embarrassed. The voices are back, completely, and luckily they show up less frequent during the day.

Can you just forget about the "consequences" and move on?
No I can't. I can never. Does that mean I'm gonna distrust people forever?

So my sister mentioned to sob that I always say "I don't have friends."

I don't have friends here in inti. I have a few. If there are no classes, we forget each other. Do you call that friends? We're basically arranged to be together. No effirts are made. You call that friends?

I don't have friends back in pj, because, they boycotted me. Because, I broke up with ET. The people I regularly hang out with are all gone. The people who used to look into my eyes and give me hugs because they thought I needed them, are all gone.

I said I don't have friends because what's left in my regular life ? No one. There'll only be someone if I make some changes. A camp, a charity event, those all can't change anything. They give more temporary people. You see them for one day, and the next, they forget your names. You remember, but no one remembers.

Sob reacted offensively. "So we're not her friends?"

Yes you are. Yes you are. But know that I've been left somewhere, which is wgy I have the energy to join your group for baddy. I used to play baddy twice on sundays. Training then with loong squad. Now? Training, then setapak squad is substituted. Know that I'm fucking down for quite some time losing loong squad. Know that I had a bunch that I prioritize so much, and they're gone.

I have friends. I have pineapple, arrogant, yip man. Of course they're friends. These are quality ones. True ones. They're never nearby, but they'll be there when I need them, even if they can't be close to me, they'll mentally be with me. But they don't fill up my regular empty spaces.

I'm thankful setapak squad became my squad. So much laughter. I think I can actually get over with loong squad.

Life in inti will be lonely, but I have Bose. At least, I'll have great weekends with great people, regularly. That's more than enough.

I know that crisp doesn't hate me. Doctor doesn't hate me. Gold probably doesn't. Pooh definitely had no clue what happened. Crisps wife. Mic, and his girl wouldn't have any clue. Maybe ET didn't even tell the boys anything. It was a slight misunderstanding. I'm pretty sure loong knows something. Pan knows something. ET is a straightforward guy. You ask, and he will tell. He will tell at least 60% of the story without hiding. Ahchoo knows a little but he doesn't give any fucks.

I removed them all from fb. Except Loong and doc.

I'm sorry. I know crisp will find me. Ahchoo will find me. They'll find me for baddy, not knowing what truly happened. And when they find me, they will notice. YH removed them from fb. Why? They'd notice, the last remaining mutual friends are loong and doc. Not even ET. I blocked ET.

"Wow, aggressive."
I remember some shitty person once complained I'm not aggressive. I hope that person rots in hell, get shredded into pieces in hell. I hope that person doesn't reborn for eternity. Such pollution.

After yesterday I've noticed. It is a damn big deal to me. I can't see their names, I can't even bear the fact knowing that they would see my name. We can just have a complete clean cut. I know loong, he loves ET. He would trust him completely, and judge me, so he won't even bother to find me anymore. Doctor might, but what for? As long as I hide myself, he won't find me. I'm thankful to him, so I won't change the way he's treated. Anyone else, I'm done.

I guess, I give up on all of them, entirely. I'm sorry crisp, when you notice. I'm sorry, if pooh, mic and your girl, if you notice. I'm sorry gold. I admire you, a lot, as a friend. The wisest of them all, but who knows? You could be fake too. But that's good enough. I have my reasons, and none of you will understand. Fuck it, I'll be the bad guy. Think of it as I'm a traitor who suddenly wants to cut off contact for no reason. Don't remember me because I'm nothing.

Tear the page out like we never even happened, as if it wasn't hard for you people.

I always thought Dr kee was attractive. Recently I'm so tired. The consequences of choosing both having fun, and being up to date to studies. I don't sleep enough, but I'm happy.

Today I went to class like a zombie. Actually, that already happened yesterday. I feel sorry for lalita and geetha. I probably looked like a super sleepy pig in class. Today as usual. But I know how important dr kee's lecture contents are. He goes straight to the important points. I went to class earlier, so I slept on my bag. He was like 'ms Lee is sleeping, oh nono, go on continue.' And when class started...

My laptop was on the desk. My eyes were half closed. He asked a question, of course we response isn't it ? I nodded, probably slowly with the eyes half closed. And he actually laughed and said "ms Lee is so funny, she has not enough ATP today".

Being sleepy is a distraction.
I remember sharon telling the class, LRT is blinking slow motionly. 😂 what else do we do. Yes it's our responsibility to be on time for classes, so to super punctual lecturers like you, geetha, lalita, ong and cheng, I'd be punctual too even if it means forcing awake, with a zombie like face.

I'm so sorry dr kee. I would like to be super energetic but I think that's impossible for these two weeks. Get use to my face. At least I attend the class and try to listen.

Badminton is happiness

I know I should be sleeping.

These days I've been playing badminton, two days consecutively. My arm is in an extremely bad condition. Started from affecting my lobs and smashes, now even backhand lifts. This is very very bad. But, I'm happy. I'm tired, clumsy. Life is exciting, but my arm is dying.

People first met me thinks I'm strong. People who played with me for a long time thinks I reduced smashing. It's funny. I enjoy seeing inti team's gaze during any match. I only watch matches which seems interesting, so I think I know them well in this case. I got chum as my doubles partner. I beat her, but she's not bad, I think we can aim for champion. It doesn't cost that much.

I find it nice that guan still asks me to join in. Even tho he's always almost mixed with inti team. Inti team isn't that friendly. They control their gaze, because they're like so superior, they don't mix around with the rest. The others, I actually prefer the non inti team boys. Much friendlier, and we're accepting. We have patience to put a newbie in the game. No matter what, it's a gain.

When you teach the newbie, you gain a friend. When you partner a person who can't play well, you learn to back up. When you play with three people who are pretty damn good, you learn new strategies. It's fun in any way. But of course I don't have patience hahahaahahaha.

The club ajk are quite pitiful. They manage the members so they can't play during club time. They play after, when most people are going back. today i played with a couple of them. They're actually quite good. Next time I should probably come late so that we can play quality matches at the end.

Life is good, I just have to fix my arm.

Mon + Tue

Omg it's tuesday. I was so tired to blog yesterday, and today I still have to, cuz I have a lot a lot of awesome shits recently. Monday, what exactly happened. The same squad from sunday, we went for valak. Then hokaido sushi, then.. iiao iiao. I got the tickets RM8 each cuz I was there the earliest. The love for pogo is real, and actually... very helpful for the situation. Horizontal line asked me out on monday, but I guess he didn't mean it. So I went out with my sister's squad instead. Actually, I didn't have to be envious. Her squad, how is that different from mine ? I realized in this group, everyone has their craziness. Everyone. Idk about me, but none of them are too quiet or such things. I felt like these people are the ones that survive solo whenever they go. They make friends, and they're never alone. But maybe for me, it's a little different in my uni life. The nun was short, good jump scares. Stand was freaking hilarious. Six peeps, minus salty. I got three tickets here, and another three in a row below, best seats I can get. Stand kept saying "Oh dear", sis has the "I use this to cover my eyes
 response. I think I had no response except laughing at them, or just "Wow"s. Sushi was damn good. I thought I could say hi to chicken, but we went to hokkaido instead of zanmai. Idk how working people works. Their generosity. I have to find a job, and be this generous. Bowling was suckish for me. Heh. I didn't know I suck that badly for bowling. I forgot how to bowl. I didn't squat enough and always gotten gutter. Rome was damn good. Rome is good in anything. Holy moaaa. Enguin was so cute. I can't. Ok we then went to "Aboard". They wanted to go meeples but it was closed. Imagine the distance we traveled. I'm so glad to not be the one driving. "The resistance", card game. I really think it's a way we bond. I have no words, except wow how analytical salty and sob was. Rome was particularly more quiet. I was occasionally super smart. Sorry, I mean it. But I was mostly super confused. I wanna reflect some shit. In this fucked up world, bad guys will pretend to be the good guys. The good guys will mistaken good guys as bad guys. Bad guys will cooperate with good guys to cause good guys to blame the good guys. HAHA. It's the game. It's all a game. But somehow, sincerity can change a lot. Even when there are misunderstandings, be sincere, and you will be trusted.

Paintball. I didn't wanna play paintball. I know its messy, its hot, its super messy, and I will be bad at it. But nothing's not worth it, except the shitty aglio olio I ate yesterday. Life is good. Today morning I was so tired. I was almost asking myself, why did I agreed to this? I actually worry that I might not make it on time for the botani meeting. But whatever. Sob has the face like Hmph you don't join, sien. I don't wanna be the boring one who rejects any invitation. So I said, On. I could die otw. Too sleepy. My eyes weren't working. Sis said, the head counts would be me, sis, moss, Rome, enguin, sob, salty, sau, earn1, jkon tbc, hawka tbc. A weird combination. I thought it was nice. Too long not meeting hawka, and he's cute. Younger than me! Then jkon. I like him but sadly they said he injured his foot. The journey to the venue was already disastrous. We picked up salty and earn1, then at the close area we actually saw jkon, and the couple. Good to know, jkon joins. Hawka was supposed to join, but he had stuff on after that, so he left. Ugggh sed. But somehow, our numbers became balanced because of that. We parted teams. Me, sob, Moss, earn1 and salty. I was really damn bad, partly I didn't have HD vision. Stupid eyes. Idk why sob chose me to his team. I can play badminton, but it was fucking obvious how I sucked at all other sports. Bowling, paintball is actually considered a shooting sport. So, that too. Anyway, we all improved throughout the game. Gosh it was tiring. A lot of squatting, and the gun was damn heavy. I thought the bowling was heavy for my bad arm, now this gun. Oh gosh why. However, my first time playing paintball. It sure was fun, but I had fucked up aiming skills. As usual, I sucked at all sports. I tried, anyway. Heh. We played five to six rounds? Idk. Five. I got shot at the arm. It was a nice spot to be shotted. HAHA. I think I'll miss paintball. So I kept some bullets as souvenir. It's indeed a super dirty, messy game. But it's still fun. There are strategies but I definitely never understand anything. At the end of the game, gosh it was a hilarious scene. Jkon was behind some walls, and he probably pushed it, the wall fell. HAHA. I saw my entire team was completely standing and aiming him, including me. Gosh and that surrender hand raising. Too cute. Conclusion, paintball is very tiring. Teamwork is much needed. Snipers are needed, runners/sacrifices are needed. After that it was already quite late. Gosh all the plans, cancelled. I can't catch up the meeting. We didn't feel like going home because it was addicting being with this bunch. So I told the botani guys that I can't make it, and told grandma that I can't make it. Feels so bad, but what chances do I have? What chances does sis have? Almost just none. We went to Metalic behind lavana. It's such a nice place. Made me wanna drink. For that part, moss didn't join. I'm gonna admit that being with this bunch, whatever you miss, you'll miss a lot. Most people went for vacation with fam, all sorts of shits. But this group consists of some Sabah peeps. Its impossible they go back for such short break. So time spent with friends, but actually, it's even much fun. I can imagine ET, Loong, drinking themselves to death in the weekend. It will be fun, but not this fun. Maybe we don't necessarily need alcohol to know someone. Maybe, like this, we already met each other for three days. It's this fun. I always thought, I wish I have friends like this. Wish I have. But I do. It's this bunch.

Salty asked me bout licky. I asked her back about licky. What kind of person is he? She said, he's actually quite a nice guy. Licky thought I was a nice girl. Idk what he saw in me. Maybe it was our conversation after zouk. I talked to him a little. I forgot about what, but I made sure he knew I was taken. I was taken at that time anyway. So we flashed back a little back to that day at the club. Salty said many guys didn't dare to approach me because they thought kon was my bf. Haha. JKon was actually super nice. He knew it was my first time to a club, so he felt that he needs to look after me. ET would do the same if we remained friends. Loong would do the same. It's a gentleman thing. I'm actually always thankful to jkon. I didn't want to be approached, so I didn't. Actually I did. I remember json. The guy came after jkon left. Whatever. Anyway. He asked if I wanted to leave earlier with him. It was so far, and he offered. Idk what jkon thinks, tbh. He has a little different mindset, and smart. The different showed when we played dice. It showed too today when we played killer. Ish idk guys. But he's a very caring friend. Hardly found. We were talking about drinking at my place this fri for my sister's farewell. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be that crazy there. I can't even drink much, cuz I'd talk. Salty and I are similar on that. We express ourselves a lot after drinking. We'd fucking cry. I actually know most of the hardship in her life. She's been tru some crazy amount of shits, and it's not even over yet. We actually have super different shits that happened, except she doesn't know my story. I don't even know, what happened before, are they really that shitty, or is it just me ? Am I making a fuss, do I have the rights to even struggle? Look at her problems, I don't even know anymore. I had a hard time, but totally different kind of hard time. Haih sometimes, Idk. I always think I make a lot of rational decisions or have that sane mindset but I'm still fucking scared of shits happening again. Idk if I'm weak, or that's normal. I know, it's not a comparable thing. A person can cry for a person's death, doesn't mean its shame for a person to cry for a pet being very sick. I know, it's not the same thing, and it doesn't work this way. I'm not the same person from who I was a couple years back. My first changed me a lot. ET changed me a lot. I mean, after "THEM" incident. Is it a good thing? I judge. I assume. I think everyone will play games. We all hide till the end isn't it.

At the end of the day, I told sis one thing. I think it's so nice that earn1 can get herself into convos with salty. They barely know each other. She said, she likes bringing along people who can cope in unfamiliar crowds. People that can live well even if they don't know anyone well. She said, that is why, she started bringing me to her friends. Because that day when I got drunk I told her too much. And so she suddenly know so much about me, she knew I'm one of that kind of people. I can make myself at home with her squad, and she doesn't have to worry about whether I actually enjoy myself. Cuz I will. It's actually sweet. I enjoyed all three days with her squad. I hope the squad doesn't die. I hope they keep playing after she went to scotland. I guess I will continue that, maybe bring in more peeps.

9.9.18

Today's a long day. Super long. 9th of sept. Morning, we hiked as usual just because training changed date. Seems like training being too few people does a little good to me. We could hike. But everything doesn't feel right because I couldn't wear contacts. Fucked up. I'm pretty sad. Idk why my life is so fucked up. My sister does it all well despite her irresponsibility, that heartless attitude. Why? She blends well everywhere. Aunties uncles in their early sixties planned a farewell for her. They put in this amount of effort for her. I think she has nothing to fear in Scotland. She won't live her life like me because she will have tonnes of friends with weirdly huge age range. I live like my life is fucking exciting and all. And it's all because I join her a little. Why? I have no idea.

We went for badminton. Just six of us. I was almost regretting this choice. I wanted to simply go tru this day, have a nice sleep. But it didn't went this way. I was thinking, after sis goes to Scotland, I probably wouldn't go play with this squad anymore because of how far it is. Setapak, it takes like half an hour plus to reach. So much trouble, while being so tired. Why? Idk. Badminton was fine. I still hate me without contacts. I probably aren't living as positive as usual because of my eyes. Idk, part of the factor maybe. I can't play well, my arm can't do well. Everything was bad, bad. But actually. I guess I can play well. Some net shots were surprisingly good. Perks of having a bad bad arm, that I almost completely stopped smashing, and switched to the soft playing style. It requires some training, and has cons. I stopped smashing, so my smashes are weak. And I lob like a fucking newbie, all those halfcourt shots. Gosh, I'm a shame. I met moon at lavana. It's the most unexpected thing to be happening at setapak. But I find it good to see him. I still do think of him as my closest friends despite sometimes I wanna kill him from such little things. Sometimes my temper can really be short af to a point I couldn't stand myself. But I think I'm improving. I can be really mad, but... I move on, faster. I didn't kill my sis from stealing both car keys, when I met her. I just sarcastically poked her with words, for a couple times.

Moon had a friendly match at opposite court, my eyes functioned so badly I couldn't even scan him tru the mess. Just opposite, and I searched tru the entire hall. Mad. At the last hour, there were two guys wanting to play men doubles. But sob wasn't in a nice condition. I substituted so we played.. quarter mix. I can sense some stereotypical mindset in the older guy. He thinks girls can't play. He doesn't have to say it, I know. But who cares. To think of it, I should've partnered the younger guy, and give him the most unexpected shots. Girls can play, even with an arm which isn't able to be lifted normally. Okay? He was a little impressed. Fuck off all stereotypes. I'll fix my arm and beat everyone's who's gonna look down on girls. Fuck boys. Fuck men. Fuck guys. Ok sorry. Uhm.

It was a little disappointing at first. Crisp asked me to badminton, yesterday. I couldn't. So he said, today then. But at the end, he didn't say anything about today. I don't have the face to approach him. ET definitely said something to the squad, I just didn't know what, and will probably never know. Anyway. The younger guy was interested in being friends. He got himself into our chat group. How friendly. Puchong guy. Wow. To setapak, takes a Lot of heart.

However, maybe I can still join this squad for badminton. Salty fish's guy could actually bring us both. Why not? My recent life has been shitty because of people leaving one by one. Then why should I reject new opportunities? As long as I badminton, I will have a life. As usual. So today after badminton, we hogged a mamak for abt three fucking hours. This is way more than my last longest record which was with loong, pan and ET.

Ok my topics won't go too far away from these people I mentioned. I realized, I mentioned the people I miss the most. I mentioned a lot of my two exes. Yes I miss them. That doesn't mean I didn't move on, isn't it? I miss him, because I cherish our old times together. The other one, I miss the things we could do together when we were friends. It's basically the same. Not exactly. Idk. Haih. My life is shitty. Not as shitty as when I was trying to settle the shits, but still. The aftermath wasn't easy.

There were actually just seven of us. Stand, Rome, enguin, sob, salty, me and sis. They're literally fucking crazy peeps. Stand plays pogo, I found a friend! Rome and enguin are a couple. Fucking cute, and rome, omg. His humour is fucking gold, this night I laughed more than the rest of 2018 thanks to him and salty fish's convo. Two straightforward people being fucking straightforward to each other can be hilarious af. Can you ask someone whether they're pregnant in their face? And wow the things I learn. They're comparable to when I listen to ET squad's chit chats. They're actually more transparent, super less inside stories, cuz I get all of what they say. Except a couple of new terms, and stuff.

Thai club, vietnam club, those places they actually have like catwalks, then people pay huge amount to those they like. Wow. Whut ? ET told me about his friends who go to such places to satisfy their physical thirst but he didn't tell me how exactly, or used the terms like rome and salty. Gosh they bad. ET still held a lot in, because he thought I was too young to know. If I spend time with 34 year old peeps, I should learn 34 year old lives. Today I spent time with a frequent clubber, a saxophone pro, a fucking mad malay chinese. They're fucking on, planning tonnes of activities for tomorrow and tuesday, which they actually included me. Again with my stupid envious mind. Why does my sis has this kind of friends, while I have those who want to stay in hostel to watch fucking K drama? Am I not social enough? No matter how much I hate people, I talk to them. I strike up conversations, I try to make them talk instead of me talking about myself. My sis doesn't even do that. Why is my life so fucking shitty? Seriously. Idk what I've done wrong.

Stand is 19 years older than me. It's like two me's, minus a year. Wow. I can live another 19 years only We'd be the same age. Holy mother. Enguin is 5 years older than me. Rome is prob 6. But the amount of things they know, sounds crazy a lot. That's how my sister doesn't look surprised when I tell her some impure stuff.

Today salty was really transparent. No I mean she was always that transparent. Straightforward to a point my mouth is always wow shape. I feel bad for her. She's like pineapple. Pure, went to UK and became a total crazy wild person, a person who's crazy. Ok Idk how to describe, but she's exactly like pineapple. The level of impurities. But I realized people who became impure has different causes. Pineapple had strict parents. Salty had a super hard life. An irresponsible father who she totally hoped that he's better off dead. And the mom, who had cancer and loads of emo shit phases caused by it. Two sisters, and the were fucking conned by some fucker. So that she had to work and support the sisters for studies. She has her goals, aims, and that kind of bf. Haih. I need to think abt her life more so that I feel much better about mine. She has a hard life. All that hardship, but still being so strong. I can't imagine.

Yeah I need to think about her more. Shits happened, and it happens to everyone in different forms. Some people are still struggling, and I'm all over and done with them. I don't have to trust. I don't have to be envious. I just have to live, do my part and stay positive. Life isn't easy. Keep going. Remember lalita's face saying keep going, thrice.

ET got me into some shits. But he's just part of my life. Loong squad is just part of my life. Idk whether I've lost them, but that isn't important anymore. I can have new people, if I want to. I just have to keep going. I know myself that I'm not that antisocial. Why do I have to be envious? Unlike what ET thinks of. I talk a lot. I have to stay that way. Yeah.. not worth getting even fucked up because of ET. He's not worthy.

It'll all be better. Salty will find her way. We all will.

I looked tru all the photos and realized I looked much happier if I'm in badminton attire. I looked much happier after I badminton. Turned out it doesn't matter how shitty my life goes, I just have to keep playing. Keep going. Cuz badminton is the only thing that makes me happy, I guess.

Fuck the bad arm. I'll play, I'll play until I break my arm. Then I'll find other ways to be happy.

I've been looking at photos. The photos I specifically selected to be kept in my phone, just for fun.

My first wasn't there. I was probably really pissed at him for some time, to the point I deleted our only photo there. Even ET's photo remained there.

Biggest change I noticed is my attire when I hang out with the alcoholics. I used to wear simple, T shirt, collared shirt. After that, I changed a little. A little fancier. Then at the end, more girlish attire most peeps wear in pubs. Lesser cloth, maybe. But not to the super sexy point la.

It was some changes. Haha.

I missed Loong. I missed cinnamon. Doctor. Gold. Crisp.

It's conflicting how I miss a lot of people who used to be in my life, but no longer put in effort to those in the presence due to distrust. It's quite exhausting isn't it ? Know people, get too close, fuck things up, go back to the original spot, or maybe worse. What's the point anyway? since we'll never really know the intentions of people.

With the set of thinking I have rn, I know I'm gonna offend almost everyone. But Idk. Ahah. Maybe my close friends are weird, that they can never be offended.

Horizontal line texted me. Such huge misunderstanding. Ok let me intro. An old badminton training mate, prob from five yrs ago. We had one movie together back then, I know he was a little into me. But that time, I thought he was scary. To think back abt it, he wasn't that scary. He was just extremely dramatic. HAHA. He acts like Kdrama male leads who does those kind of crazy moves to try be different.

I bumped into him months ago after training when I was still with a guy.

So it's sometimes really annoying when people ask, "that guy"? And I had to be like um no another guy. Life is a pile of shit.

It's pretty weird that I'm suddenly having two bookings. I mean. I don't even talk to many people nowadays. No boys in my sem, not even playing badminton. I only talk to my lab partner which is a guy. That one is like a chunk of wood. Confirm good guy. Then again, we never know.

Two bookings! I forgot how it's like to be fully booked that they had to follow my schedule. I was much more busier, now I'm always free to be booked. Weird, because I do go out with guys, but still they don't ever change my amount of hatred towards guys. Weird.....

Let's hope I go back to normal. This hate is not making my life easy.

People are shit

Somedays I don't remember what exactly is trust. Trusting a friend. Trusting new people. Trusting anyone I had known for years. Trusting coursemates on part of exam marks.

I know, nobody's perfect. I'm not perfect. I can't get 10/10 for each task, I don't expect everyone can. But I rather do all the job all by myself, and get the marks completely of what I deserve, even if it's super low. Idk. Some nights I try to picture myself, requesting to the lecturers whether I can go solo on all the reports. It's so.... Isolated. But that's actually what I really want.

It's my fault. Going solo too much, to the point I'm basically super solo most of the time, while others have a stable team. I don't. How do I survive in the future??? I have no fucking clue. The attitude. Some of them passed by the library and saw me. They'd be damn happy because we were coincidentally teammates. You'd be happy if you see your teammate being hardworking isn't it. No hard feelings, I know how the world works.

I know, I can't really get the kind of friends I get when we were in primary school anymore. It's quite impossible. I got less active in badminton. Cuz badminton got me into all this shit. I know. I can't blame badminton, I can't stop badminton. Reality wants us to have connections. Badminton is my way to connect with people. But don't you get scared? The people I met from badminton, got me into all this. All this!

I guess I need some time. Not everybody who's played badminton had shits to do with me. So it's not fair to just assume they're all fucktards. I know.

I really have huge issues with people. All people. The only reason I drink less, is because I'm pretty sure I'll get emotional and shits. Or maybe I'll start to scold all the guys around. I will do that for sure. And I can't afford to lose that much anymore. I don't have much to lose, you know.

I regret being with you. I regret trusting you. I regret allowing that. And that. I regret anything to do with you.

My life is getting back to normal. Heh. I'm blessed af. Even tho my eyes look like I have daily breakdowns, I actually don't. My midnights have gotten much better. I stop thinking about the faces and get disgusted. I stop thinking about who I'm supposed to run from. I have a life here, living it, and concentrating on it.

But this is inti, anyway.

I think I feel fine thinking about my first love, since the memories are great.

They thought I made cream puff for ET. Haha. Jokes on them. I don't love ET enough to start making food for him.

Somehow, I'm really glad that I had him as my first. I can't really figure out what went wrong between us, but that's okay I guess.

Why did I went clubbing.
Go clubbing, look at how the males act. Their eyes, hands. They stare, they touch whenever they get the chance. That, is reality. Go clubbing and remind yourself. Guys are bullshit, they just wanna stare at your boobs. They just wanna touch your ass. They just wanna touch and go. Feel disgusted because that is necessary.

Shit phase over

Not everyone is gonna sense the fucked up point in you, and trust me. You don't want anyone to sense it. Cuz when you're holding it up hard, they can easily hit you with one simple sentence: Are you okay?

Well of course if you're strong enough, you'd blurt out yes of course, since when am I not okay? It's life. Everyone has the shit phase.

I think mine has got to be... 3 years back, up to the past week. From exactly this month, three years back. The journey to shit life. And now it's all over, FINALLY!

I can't remember exactly when did life started to turn. I remember, september 2015, I made up my mind to break up with the guy. Recently I'm seeing posters, ig snaps about world physio day. I fucking hate world physio day, tbh. The thing that fucked us up back then. But I guess I was too soft. He easily made me take back that decision, back then. Then proceeded to break us up. Hah. Hilarious. Shits continued.

I'm thankful I get to know moon. He's still a nice friend despite sometimes I dislike his attitude. Everyone will have their weird ass personalities, we don't have to like them. At least, as long as they're sincere, it's all acceptable. But, we never know when exactly they're sincere. We only know who the sincere people are when we no longer have the tendency to benefit each other, isn't it? How sad. But I'm pretty sure, moon is real.

Not ET. Idk about loong. Idk bout doctor. Idk bout gold. Idk them all. We all become real when alcohol is involved. But it's a different case when the alcohol doesn't affect them. Alcohol affected me, it doesn't go both ways. No matter how you fully exposed yourselves, that's just you being fucking dumb. Never do that.

Sometimes I think, I really conflict myself. I tell the sad people, speak up, talk to your close friends, and there's where you find a new direction. They'll console, they'll be there for you.
But I guess I don't do that anymore.

Sometimes you state facts, and people be like "Wow. True, but such a depressing fact." Sometimes your feelings will be slightly exposed from the little things. But the good thing is, you look too confident, which doesn't look depressed at all. And that's how, they won't ask. Haha.

My life is fucking blessed. I still have my shitty eyesight. I still have large crazy appetite. I still love exercise. I love maintaining whatever I do. So no, lion, that doesn't sound depressing asf. I do have close friends out there. If I can keep things up, I shouldn't have to bother them. And it's okay like that.

If people want to show care, they will find ways to show you that, no matter how okay you are. But that doesn't mean they care. People always have intentions. Of course I'd be a piece of shit if I'm gonna assume they want shit from me whenever they sincerely concern. But who knows? If you've been played like a toy, are you gonna trust?

Just because they told you not to drive with eyes this condition, it doesn't mean they care.

Idk how they always relate topic to my exes.

Just because it was salty fishguy's birthday, sis mentioned I made failed cream puff. Yes, I made it for my first for his birthday. He still said it was delicious, even tho I know, he was trying to make me feel better. According to his high standard taste buds, he'd never think that was delicious. He was really sweet tho. Haha. Seng asked, when was that ex an ex. I said, about five months back.

Then they be like huh? I thought you were still with him not long ago. And I'd have to say, that's the next one. Not current, ex too. Why? Because he's old and he's heartless. I can't satisfy him. Is that the best way to phrase it? Then they'd be like, how old? Oh that age, is normal to be hamsap.

Then seng starts asking. How do you know a 28 year old guy? And it goes back to, due to badminton.

Ish. Why.

Everyone's sweet when they don't know you. They'd be polite. They'd concern for a stranger more than... a close friend.

I've had eye issues. But I never ffk. So I go to wherever planned. But the eyes made me wear shades to literally everywhere. And when I didn't wear, they'd ask me. Why are your eyes so red. I'd say, I haven't check it out yet but it's been like this for awhile. And they be like oh let us arrange someone to drive you all. And it was pretty sweet.

Con even asked me to snap a photo of the contacts I wear so that he can ask his friend whether if it's safe or not.

I don't even think I know guys. They can act like they're super caring and generous. At the end, it's all just a show.

Salty fish came over. She asked me, how's my bf. I said, I broke us up. She said, her friend told her to inform him when we broke up, because he wants to go after me.

HAHAHA funniest thing I've heard in awhile.

There's actually someone who's waiting for my availability??? Erhem. Thanks a lot. But. Hah. Salty fish's friend, who else could that be. All drunkards. All, alcoholic frequent clubbers. I've seen what one can do to me. No more.

Boys will be boys. That guy, doesn't even know me. Hilarious. I didn't even put make up or wear cute skirts. Weird ass taste. most importantly, my hatred towards guys aren't gonna subside soon. Maybe a couple years. Idk.

Coach was hilarious too. She asked me about my first. And then, I said, he quit already. I said, we're not together anymore. lmao. Then she was like. Kahoo, are you single? Jj, are you single? You can consider them. HAHA. What kind of female coach..i should ask her back. Coach, are you single? 😂

It doesn't matter.