He's an ass

Last night, midnight, ai was a little unsecured. Empty because... Some little things. Nevermind, last night I was thinking I had to get a badminton squad here. I had to join little events if possible, and... Service cell...

I thought about shandy. So I took the risk. The story is, Shandy unfriended me not long after she got to UK. Unfriended, unfollowed, clean cut after UK. I couldn't ask her why, I couldn't risk. I was worried she'd tell him or anything, and he'd blame me for being busybody.

I made the decision to tell her what happened, not so tough decision, but tru that I got to know some very unacceptable secrets.

Not gonna write it here. But knowing about those stuff completely changed everything abt my ex. I'm half fucking proud that I broke up with that asshole. Another half, it still hurts a little knowing about the current news.

I find it unfair that I'm feeling shitty over things that he has emotionless knowing what happened to my life. I find it unfair, I'm the one choosing to leave yet I'm the one breaking down in front of the squad for one entire drinking night. I find it heartbreaking that I assumed he doesn't love me anymore and I was completely right. I find it heartbreaking that he couldn't even make the move, and had to show me how he stopped loving tru his awful actions.

I texted shandy quite late. From those stuff she told me, there was one point I totally said, wow. Wow, for a couple times. My ex, having this sort of history and I had zero clue abt these things? How well do I know him, actually? How well!? Nothing! I don't know him at all! All my respect to him, GONE. He's a piece of shit, not an idiot. Ungrateful, evil, shitty asshole which deserves a special place in hell. Help people, huh? Bullshit. Bullshit.

I gotta admit, I couldn't get over with what I've been told. I couldn't. I couldn't accept he can have that kind of history, but then I do know him quite well. Those stuff she said... Are real. He could've done all that.

Lucky I brought some alcohol to hostel, they come in handy.. it was like 3am. Idk what to do. Nobody's awake. I texted ET. Texted yip man. Idk man. Idk.what to think. I went to the balcony of the fourth floor. It's a quiet place. There aren't many people left awake. It's so alone.

And I know. I need to get over it, prepare for my test on weds. I needed to finish the alcohol, stop thinking. Guess what I did.

I pictured the situation into ET's shoes.
The only way to solve mental shits. Ask him how would he feel.

He'd probably say it's no big deal. He'd say, my ex is that kind of person, and he knew about that since the beginning. Shandy's the most craziest victim. I told her, I really feel sorry for her. She said, she said sorry for me too, because he broke me twice. He broke us. Now he's going to break another girl.

There's a reason one guy can have five exes, and we needed to look into those matters. Not because we mind about their past, but because we don't wanna repeat the reason of breaking up.

Shandy's not the kind of girl that'd unfriend peeps. I'm glad I had this talk with her. It's hard to take in, but... It's a good decision. I got to sleep anyway, after picturing hard what ET would do.

He'd proudly say,
"I don't give a fuck!"

I need his maturity..

Get out of the bubble

I know. I know. I finished the world stupdkidest subject I'm so fucking happy. ONE PAPER TO GO. ET's having a rough day I don't think I should annoy him. But I really do want to. Cries. The temptation.

Today I went out to get supper for myself. I was sad. Haih. I'm getting frustrated about my life. Ever since having to know moon's friends. ET and Loong squad... I got slightly wilder. Yes, just slightly. I have to admit. It conflicts myself alot when I was with my ex. Since he's antisocial, and I wanted to keep him companied... So I isolated myself for him. What are those sacrifices for. Fucks sake. I remember telling him, wood. I've given up this, this, that. You gotta know okay, that I only have you. Hah. Shame. What did I tell him that for. Ungrateful piece of idiot. Why did I got so emotional, even. Telling him that I miss ET squad this much but he never sincerely told me to go spend some time with my old friends. Pft. Forget it!!!

I'm done. It's a new sem from June onwards. I'm gonna be a new person. Even shandy has a more exciting life despite her being slower. I pity her, actually. Poor thing getting tortured by this guy. Best decision she made is to go to UK and leave all this shit behind. Next sem I'm gonna try getting to the team. Maybe joining xwen when there are events. Her friends seems fun. Maybe. Just maybe we could be closer a little. Maybe I could ask cookie out. He's just one fucking block away. Omg to think of that I should've borrowed his bike to get supper just now ish. Such stupid.

Anyway, just saying. I'm not the only one feeling alone, actually. I know. Angel's a wild girl. Yy's the isolated one. She saw my snap on insta stories abt supper. And she told me, she used to ask wendy out for pizza at night. Sounds cool. Maybe we have a team lonely. If we're gonna be lonely why not be lonely together so we can share our sorrows.

I can have friends. Maybe. Just one snap, she said, jom. Let's go places together and fuck hostel. Yeah. Didn't even need to be that emotional. Antisocial is a fucking torture, especially when you have no one to social with. But you actually have. We just needa be patience, I guess.

Peepsss

I'm feeling a little too happy recently, I've been eating more and more. Appetite's definitely back AF, and crazily back.

I've been texting my bffs. Well, not intentionally. Gave arrogant a sneak peek about the latest updates and he was so desperate. Then after he accidentally discovered my deepest darkest secret, daaang he was mad. Not mad mad, crazy mad.

Yip man. Always been texting her. I'd text her when I'm hyped up or frustrated. It's cool to have her. And also pineapple. The day I get the most obvious hint, I literally ss the chat to show her to get help. My mind was clear enough to distinguish jokes and reality. Cool shits. That was the other day. Plus recently how we replied to each other's insta stories, which turns into planssss.. Now we have crazy plans coming ahead. MADE ME TOO EXCITED IDK HOW TO STUDY ALREADY.

ET's leaving like later. Today's Monday. It saddens me a lot. But I'm over it. He says he'll be back consistently. I mentally support you, always. I don't feel him leaving tho. Only feel us closer. Nice guy. Still couldn't get over how grateful I am for having him in my life. I learnt a lot from him. Pls be back. Pls drink less. Needing you to live longer. Still, gonna miss you. I appreciate his efforts to make me smile. It's sweet. Makes me smile typing this. Hahahaha

Exam's ending in two days. Can't wait!!!!! Even tho I'm just talking about a few friends. Um. But they're already more than everything in this world. Aaah. I totally wish that I can get back with drama queen, moon, and the rest. But... Idk how to start man. It's been too long, I haven't been a good friend.

:))))

Ha today was chem test. Tmr is genetics but I can't help myself. Want to blog. I'm a little bit hyped probably due to the samyeong cup noodle.

So chem. Chem was half disaster but I don't dare to be too confident on it. Calculation part was completely disaster as usual, but organic was my strength. I have a feeling I got almost full marks for organic part.

The spectators were ms chong and Dr kee. Gosh. I like Dr kee. He's hilarious. I can hear them chit chat while us stressing out on the papers. He was so naughty, also. He came to peek on my paper even tho I wasn't even taking his subject. I am positive he probably didn't remember my name. I covered my answers, didn't like that kind of pressure. He smirked and came back to peek on my paper few mins later. Mischievous huh! But I didn't cover the second time. Thought I was confident enough.

Oh there was one question I asked Ms chong. Is there an error on this question? It showed a structural compound. From left to right, there was a branch written "ClH3NH2C" which doesn't make any fucking sense. Cuz I thought ClH was cih in small letters. That wasn't an 'i' and it was actually cl. Chloride. Fuuuuck almost threw easy marks. Feeling lucky I asked.

She said, no there's no error. And I'm like oooh. Fuck.

I thought I ruined badly, but I saw the panic in Angel's face. Lmao she cracked me up. Gosh she was like oh my god. When she says oh my god, you know it's not anything good. Lmao.

Turned out it was really fine. Hopefully I didn't completely ruin the calculation part and the naming part rrrrrr ish. 

Ok good luck to me tmr. Hapi.

I don't look like someone who recently broke up?

I know. Why should I look miserable? I'm not that miserable.

Honestly to think of it, the worst thing abt my ex and I... the worst parts about the second time we got together, it's just...... So much coldness. Idk how to describe it.

It's like he's dead inside. He doesn't feel that much. So there are many things he couldn't understand. While I'm just here trying to get him to understand, and yeah I guess that's the worst part. When you're holding a dead hand.

I honestly hope he'd break up with me earlier when his heart died. Idk what he's thinking. Sometimes I do wonder what he thinks.

Do you love me just a little so that you don't want to hurt me by breaking us up, and rather show it in your actions to make me break up with you? Such a waste of time, energy. The most selfish thing someone can do: take that kind of advantage.

Yes I do think of him a little. Little by little. But thinking of him doesn't hurt or makes me smile. It doesn't do anything. It just gives me confusion. Gives me headaches.

What is wrong with him??

I recently saw this video. It says most live quotes are bullshit. It's fucking hilarious. It says, example for quotes like "He will never leave you if he truly loves you." Bullshit. Haha. Bullshit!

Just because you know they love you, you take advantage of them. You be your stubborn shitty self, you refuse to change, refuse to communicate. At the end, let's see who'd stay. Some idiot would.

I have a feeling everyone's born a fantasy idiot. Everyone would experience being an idiot, once. Then, the idiot within them dies. They reborn with loads of senses. They finally know how to walk away from toxic even if it's so fucking addicting.

Self torture. It's something. Some people get addicted to it. I'd say, idiots.

Fate

Maybe it's meant to be. Like he said, I don't have to thank anyone. It's meant to be.

If my cousin and my sister didn't mock me, I wouldn't have discovered the passion for badminton.
If I didn't discover this passion, I wouldn't have gotten any chance meeting my ex - the president.
If my old Indonesian coaches didn't go back to Indonesia, I wouldn't have joined my ex's training, we wouldn't have gotten together.
If he didn't break us up two weeks before spm, I wouldn't have gotten such terrible results.
If I didn't got that result, I wouldn't have such low confident that I simply chose a uni for well recognized course - A levels, at a cheaper college - kbu.
If I didn't go there I wouldn't have gotten to know moon and his squad tru badminton.
If that didn't happen, I wouldn't have gotten to know ET and his squad.

So many ifs. So much trouble.

Everything leads back to now.
He said, I don't have to thank my ex for ruining my spm results. I didn't have to thank my cousins for mocking me. Didn't have to thank moon for liking me back then.

Each step as we can see. It's such a long process. And it leads to my current awesome life.

Even if it ends soon... Which I seriously hope it doesn't.... Even if it does, it happens for a reason. I will not regret. Still, I thank all these people in my life.

At least, I learned something. I learned a lot.

Can I be the one playing people's hearts? Like how my best friend does it. Like how the boys does it. Friends with benefits. Is that thaaaat mature ?

ET was playing around a lot. I asked him to pick me up, so he'd be like "Then you owe me a kiss."

Today, I realized I think he's not kidding. I had moments thinking. Is this right?

Then again, why not ? It's just a kiss. I have kissed people. I've had been kissed. I gotta say that I know how the world goes. I know people have sex everywhere even with people they don't know but I won't ever think it's right. People nowadays can't be serious. They just do things without much thought on it. They don't have feelings anymore.

I need a little bit of that, maybe.

So, why not? Go ahead.
I chose you to tell all the secrets that nobody knew. I chose you to run to when I'm completely broken.
If I had to choose one guy to kiss, that'd be you anyway. So, why not?

Badminton went fine today. Date with yip man went fine today. We asked each other, how's your life? She's pretty happy. I think I am too, right? I am. I found my way back to the squad.. a bit worried about the future, but let's just appreciate the time we have rn. I can pass my test. Doc said as long as you have the will to get A's, you can. He looks like he was satisfied with my will.

Just one thing's not right.
My stomach. It's fucking bloated all day. I barely ate anything. I had one lunch which was a huge suffer if yip man didn't help me on it. Then dinner was like... I didn't really eat. How do I actually live? My stomach aren't feeling right. But I couldn't eat. That's a problem.

Is it the alcohol?
ET said, my tolerance was definitely there. But alcohol withdrawal happened. My head could take it, my stomach couldnt. Maybe that's why. Or maybe I'm just sad.

I'm not sad.

Today, out of the blue. ET texted me. Am I studying? I said, no. Then he said, let's eat something. He brought me to a nice restaurant, a thai restaurant. Mokata, as we meet with doctor and juan, a new friend.

First thing doctor asked was what happened. He said my posts looked sad. I said, it was a frequent thing, the girl drew me a dead face, what else would I caption it? But anyhow, I said.. I broke up with him. And he said, I know. Heh. This ET.. I'm wondering.. if that day I didn't cry like fuck drinking, would they know? Or they'd know I just looked sad... But anyone could've asked ET. So if ET knows, everyone knows.

Doctor's nice to me. Half because I'm a little shy. I didn't have good appetite. He did a lot of the grilling, then bringing the food into my place. The meat were seriously delicious. They kept asking me, have I ate these stuff before? I said, nah. Vietnam too, nah. I like how they kept saying, they gonna bring me here and there and everywhere. Then they be like why didn't I go during CNY gathering? Because I have a bf.. I'm sorry guys. I know whenever he's around, We'd have a distance.. but he's my love. I had to make sure he's not left out, right ? Bring me next time.

It was a very full meal with a little bit of thai beer. Juan and ET were like typical cray kids staring at pretty girls. I'm not that quiet anymore. I could smile, I could laugh.

Then, they asked. Second round? They told me to make the decision. I said I can't say it. So they be like... Let's go nicsman. I told ET. I'm not having good tolerance.. I threw up at home. I asked him, how much exactly did I drank? He said, don't know, but I kept drinking non stop. I thought that was at the beginning. He said, no, you drank non stop, MORE afterwards. Didn't recall that. So my tolerance is still there, somehow.

I kinda feel bad they had to do this for me. So we were playing dices. They ordered one tower. I thought each of us were taking one or two pints. This time... I was having a bad stomach, again... I was super bloated, kept feeling like puking, but my head was so fine. I think my tolerance is definitely there. But towards the end I got more talkative. I think. I actually poked Juan's leg to call him, to ask random questions. I wish doctor passes all his tests. I wish I get a good Dean's list too. I'm chilling because.. I have time.

I had fun. I'm happy. Such a great day. We drank alot. They made me drink, because they thought I was sad. Like literally. ET made me drink. This evil little shit. Omg. My stomach... But I only see concern in his eyes.

He said, so, how was today? Happy? I said, happy. But then again, when you get back home, it'll be the same. Gotta move on.

They're people who care.
I'm not drunk, I would say. My heads not even spinning. My stomach's just bloated. I said. Doc, my weight went down for 4kg when he first broke up with me. He said, first loves are like that.

They treated me like a little sister. Like... I don't know. I love them. It kills me. I'm scared. Idk.

Do you remember what you said you'd do for me when I became 21? 

These are friends you can keep. Friends you treasure forever and never forget them.

Let's get out, have ourselves distracted. Stop the pain, move on. I will move on.

I'm really thankful that they're there for me. They're here for me.. I'm sorry... It's my trouble but they, they gave me their time, company... They want to make me feel better.

It's the most fucking huge blessing I've ever have. I love this bunch, and I will get better. I love this bunch so much. If I ever get a future bf, and they don't accept me hanging around with them, then he's not my bf.

Somehow I got a little regret telling my fam abt the break. They being nosy, ignorant. Asking me why do I go out so often. So am I supposed to stay at home all day to look at the walls just to think about the past or what ? Senses please.

These friends. These are the people I love most. I love them more than wood. I love the support they give, the concern they have, and that they care about my feelings. They know that there's nothing they can say, but they can give what they can: company. And that's all I need.

I realized I used to hesitate a lot. Posting a post, tapping in to our old photo, deleting, archiving, muting, hiding, unfollowing. I did all those. Not all at once, bit by bit when I remember them. And it was no hesitation. Even the sentence "I think we should break up." Was sent about one sec after typing.

Maybe I was quite ready this time.

We had one chance. If he says no, if he reassures to start treating me right, I would've let it be. But he didn't. It just means, he's strongly confident that he can't do it. Can't treat me better. Can't control his fucked up attitude from nothing.

To think of it, he didn't really agree to break up. It wasn't completely official, because when I said, what else can we do? He said he didn't know what I need. And when I told him what I needed, he did not reply. Until now. I didn't wait tho. Waited for like ten minutes. I didn't cry. I calmly muted his contact, I calmly archived him. And then, there I go craving alcohol. There I go, driving.

He didn't reply.
It's kinda hanging right there. But whatever he's gonna say, if he's gonna say anything, it doesn't make any sense anymore.

I was wrong. Maybe I love him. He doesn't love me. Why do I need to beg for someone to care about my feelings if that someone really does love me? That doesn't make any sense too. That's a lie. He doesn't, he never loved. Since the start, it was fucking obvious. He wanted my attention. He wanted to be loved, but not loving back.

Fine. Fine.

Fine.

Remember what he said to me. Just gotta do that. Remember every single hurtful things. Then there's nothing to be sad about.

Maybe, just maybe we do love each other. Still. I never asked him that question. I know, he cares. He still loves. or idk maybe he's forgotten. We just didn't know how to give what each other needs. I'm giving what I think he needs. He gives what he thinks I need. Which is all wrong.

It's no one at fault. We're just not compatible. That's all. I know that I've done all I could, isn't it? So I will not regret. We both tried. And it's done.

I can't do it. I have many many voices in my head. Stop it. Please stop it. I'm starting another American series. It's like the only way to distract me from all the shits.

But when each ep ends, I had to keep on playing it. And it's not healthy at all. I'm supposed to study. Do notes. Anything but relax. I'm supposed to be busy.

Ten days to finals, and I'm here thinking about my ex.

Wow. My ex.

Yes.

How do I accept that ? I can't.
I seriously can't.
I don't think I should bother ET anymore. It's not his fault I have shits to deal with. It's not his fault my ex was a piece of ungrateful little idiot. It's not his fault I broke up with him and got fucked up.

I shouldn't bother anyone. But it kills me. It seriously. I want to drink. I want to drink, like crazy.

I want to die.

No I'm just saying. I wanna go into a deep deep coma for 5 years. Please. Give me a break ? How do you end the pain? How? ET, how did you end the pain? You still loved her when you left her. You made the choice. But you have a bunch of alcoholic brothers with you. I only have you. And I don't know what to do.

Idk what to do.. please can you make it stop?

I have to start living.

I know where my friends are. They're everywhere, actually. It makes me.. able to go anywhere without feeling alone. It's it good? Pineapple might be at sg, along with mic, gold, the rest, and ET too, soon. I can actually go there too. Since there has better developed biotech career opportunities. It's closest to Malaysia. It's still near, it's home. I don't have to feel alone. I don't have to be alone. All I have to do is speak up, my friends will listen. I don't have to be sad that they can't help me. ET can't help me too, he just wakes me. No one can help me so I gotta learn to help myself.

I'll have to ace chem. Ace math, ace mgt and genetic. I'll have to go for Dean's list, President's list. I'll have to get very good grades. And I'll find my way. I might not get expected good grades, but I can have the attitude. I can have a good attitude. Wood is gone. Gone for good. I'm mean enough to myself that I stopped texting him, completely. I've killed the streak, and unfollowed him from fb. I don't wanna delete tho. There is no point.

I want to look at those photos and be able to say that I already let go. These were even harder three years ago. My life mindset aren't gone. He didn't completely brainwash me. I still have my senses. Nothing lasts forever, and I already accepted it.

Stop crying, get up and study. Socialize, get better network, find a closer version of ET. Find another group of friends I can be with when I'm here in inti. Find, because... I don't have to be alone.

I have no one else..
I know it's my fault. I could've told arrogant, pineapple, lychee. I could've made them talk to me, hope they help me. But i know that they were never helpful. How can they help me? Even yip man. She can't help me too. She can help the smiles and laughes. But when I have trouble, I find you. I want to find you.

The only two people I look for was wood, and ET.

I always told him. I only have you. Did you know ? I barely contact anybody else. I don't even go hang out with anybody else. I lose chances to get new social circles, just because of you. Just to be with you. But can you imagine? People can be ignorant. You can give your entire heart to them, giving up on others, and they stab it, throw it back to you and let you slowly realize it. They wait for you to take it back. They wouldn't just give it back whole.

So what ? My bad. I didn't realize that I shouldn't trust my heart on you.

And when that happened, the only one in my mimd was ET. He helped me once, three years ago. He helped me twice. But that's all he can do, now. He's going to go, so far away.

I don't know what to do..
Can you tell me what to do?
He's like the only friend. That kind of friend that can give the type of company I need..

I don't have anyone, now. I don't have anyone anymore. I'm done. It's my fault because I gave my heart to wood. I stop socializing. I could've found more friends like ET. But I gave up on speaking.

I'm really really tired.

I said it like I'm not sad. like I'm releasing a burden. But I'm not happy at all. Why?

I said it like I'm having a clear view about what's happening. Like I'm doing the right thing for the best for us. But I can't get myself to smile. Smiling became a show. Why?

Why? Why is it so hard to go back to normal ? Honestly... Why is my appetite so small? Why do I look moody? Why do I scold people, ignore people, mute my phone ? Why am I so done with life ? Why do I hate life?

The thing is why do I have to be happy?

Yip man said, become goddess. Let him regret.
Crisp said, it's alright, he'd regret what he has done, he said, I regret too, for what I've done to my exes.
He's pretty funny. He talked to me then said. I think I'm saying the wrong things, sorry..

Lol.

I'm not that sad isn't it?

I'm fine. My heart doesn't hurt like it did last time. I think I'm numb. I think I was ready, this time.

I can't imagine how I looked at the pub.
With people I first met.
With Pan's girl.
With Loong, with ET.

I just know that I covered my face the entire night. I thought, I can cover it. Yes, they're not dumb. They won't talk about it, but. They would know.

I really don't want to break up, that day. But he ignored my text. The one text he could reply appropriately that would make us okay again. He could've made up something else. He could've made another empty promise about how, he would love me the way he should. But he didn't. I guess that's the part that hurts most. He didn't reply.

I'm so tired. Today I barely meet my family. They're downstairs, I'm upstairs. Hiding. Like how it used to be. But the difference is, I'm not completely broken to the point that I cry for hours in my bed. No. Not like that. Just sitting around, thinking what to do. Thinking I have to go do something but don't know what.

I'm so tired of laughing. In front of my parents, I think I blurted out too fucking many negative shits. They would start asking questions if I don't talk. But I talk, I talk about these kinds of things, which is so... Idk. Trying to pretend that everything is okay, but ruining it. Might as well I hide up here.

Why don't I smile outside with the squad? I miss him. I'm happy that he didn't get dengue. That definitely makes me smile. And then.. I think I can rest outside. Don't have to put up a show 24-7. It's too exhausting. I don't need to smile. What's so happy that requires smiles? What's so funny that I gotta laugh? I do laugh. Occasionally. Rarely. And after that, I rest.

It's alright, right?
You guys understand me. So.. I don't need to pretend. Let me be, I'll be better, eventually.

Sometimes, the voices are coming back. It's now saying: you asked for it. You made your choice, now, what right do you have to feel awful ?

To answer that.. do I have rights to feel awful ? I'm supposed to be happier from walking away. Isn't it ? Why did I break up with him? Something ET kept asking me.

I can't properly answer him. I can't answer it. Because... We have seriously serious communication problems and it's completely hopeless? Because whenever I try to talk to him he takes the worse assumption ending up giving awful replies ? Because there are misunderstandings that are necessarily inevitable? Because.. he doesn't love me anymore?

He doesn't love me anymore. That's all I can say. At least that's how I feel.

So to answer the voices. Do I have any right to feel awful? Yes. I do have. I chose to walk away, because I realized this ugly fact. Because. Just because.

Why did I broke up with him?
I drove all the way to scottgarden, passing by those foreign scary guys, scary streets just to get to him. Just to have a little bit of company from somebody I think cares for me as a little friend.
I think, there's not much you can guess.

It kills me to death doing that. Still, I did it.
What else could be the reason?

I find myself sitting around daydreaming for veey long periods. Idk what I'm thinking about. wood. ET. Yip man. Pineapple. I think they're all I have. The one easily reachable was ET. Still is ET.

It's hard to accept. He said he'd be leaving. Why?

I don't know. In among so many people, I've only cried in front of a few. Wood, which is completely gone forever. Moon. He's not the same anymore, used to be that close just because he had intentions towards me. But ET was different. We both know that we have no intentions. He knows that I trust him a lot. Like a lot.

I don't want him to leave.
Who else do I have ?

Today I went to badminton with them. Wood always said if I broke my right arm, our future children would ask why mommy doesn't carry them. However, now there's no such thing as future kids. Wood is gone. I can play badminton again. i can ruin my health because it's mine. Because it doesn't matter anymore. I can play badminton like my arm's not hurt.

Then.. ET kept whacking me with his towel. It actually really hurts. He said, smile, smile more. Smile for what ? It's tiring. My face are born this way. Not that I want to be born. Crisp said, I look off, completely moody. It's just resting bitch face. Why smile? He asked me what's wrong. I didn't really say anything. But he got it right himself. I'm definitely unhappy. Why do I have to be happy?

We ate at the corner copitiam. I can't get myself to speak. Idk why. Pan asked me if I want to add rice. I asked him if he would want to help finish my rice. He said, don't lie, I can finish. Yes I can. But it's really too much for me. I think my Appetite's really getting small again. Or maybe it's the alcohol from Friday. Maybe... Idk. Crisp said, look at Loong. Stare at him and it would make you feel better. Lol. How can I ?

I'm sorry pan. I didn't know what to say. But I find him searching for topics to have us talking. He's nice. Everyone's nice. ET said, the squad aren't dumb. They all could see what happened back there at alvisy(the pub). But they're nice enough to ask what actually happened. Thanks for not asking. I couldn't even tell ET what exactly happened.

I didn't tell anyone. Can you imagine?

I broke up with him.
Why ?
Just because.
Come on, what's the story?
There's no story.

We're just not meant to be.

I have never imagined myself coming back to blog.
I have never imagined going back to him, then breaking us up again.
He's sick. Suspect dengue again. It's highly possible because of where he lives.
But up to now I never said anything mind soothing to him.

I mean, it's necessary, right?
Why do you need to show concern when you get hurt from doing that?
Do you still show concern if all you can do is trigger any shitty thing?
If all of this shit happened because of your existence, you should just disappear then.

I did a wrong thing, tho. I maintained the streak.

I'm gonna break it soon.
But I kinda want him to think that I'm fucking fine rn.

I'm pretty sure he's not going to training tomorrow because he's sick.
Can he work ? I don't know, and it's none of my business.
It's none of my business.

I think it's kinda hard.
Trying to put up a show in front of the fam. But I'm doing it much better than three years ago. Much much better.

Just need to numb it. Forget it.

So I broke up with him. Finally free from the shits. We gotta think far man. I'm thinking far now.

I asked ET. Where are you?
He said, scottgarden. Come join us.
Alright. I said. I wonder why the boys like scottgarden so much. It creeps me out. Full of foreign workers sitting around, smoking. Starring.

I think if you compare, drive with tears in your eyes vs drunk driving.. drunk driving is much safer. And also, that makes driving the perfect activity if you wanna cry. Cuz you'd stop yourself just to get a clear view of the road, the cars.

Scottgarden was so far. I almost had a wrong turn. Then the parking there is complicated. I hate parking there. I simply parked a spot then looked for the entrance. See! I even had to look for the entrance. Terrible place.

The fountain is a damn good landmark. I can't recognize the pub, but I recognize these deco deco. When was the last time I drink? Yesterday.

It was loong's friend's bd. Another ck. And I also get to meet another one of his close buddy. They call him "Juan" lol. So similar to my name.

I don't know how much did I drink. It's a terrible night. We played games, a little bit. I think I had at least ten. Don't know. Maybe ten.

ET drove me back to his place. He offered a shoulder. He offered his left arm. But I didn't take it. He's really talkative. I hope I remember what he said. I don't remember.. fuck. I remember some, didn't remember some. Then I went in his house to pee, first time entering his place. Then I drove home. I think I'm good. It was many drinks, and still I'm this good. I can say, I wasn't drunk. Just sad.

I went back home and slept on the couch for a while. Then I woke up, my sister went up, leaving YouTube playing on the tv. I just sat there and watched the lyrics. Nice lyrics. Then went to throw up. Lol.

Today I had training. Replacement. It was fine. I didn't have a hangover. Just a little dizzy. But honestly I'm always dizzy ... So I'm not sure if that's because of that.

My Appetite's gone tho. Wood's helping me to lose weight again? Not this time. I'm gonna drink and die. I'm gonna drink a lot. I can't believe I took this amount of porridge and I can't finish. I feel like throwing up.

I realized I start with a fully relaxed poker face. Then when I meet people, I can smile. I told ken, fuck you. When I got there, I poked loong to say hi. Just him. Juan was jealous. He said why did I only greeted his buddy. Lol. I realized, I can smile when we play games. I can laugh. Everything normal. It's cool. I'm good.

I didn't recall the beer glass was that small. I finished them really quickly. It wasn't cold. I didn't recall tiger beer being less bitter. But yesterday, it wasn't that bitter. It was fine. It was good. I didn't recall peter being this tall. I stood next to him and immediately went looking for the tall chairs to sit on so I won't look this tiny. I'm 20 looking like a kiddo in thr pub. What the actual fuck.

I told people, it's fine being single. Single is damn good. You have no attachment. You're free to do anything you want. Just do it, and nobody has the right to blame you. Just throw up. Just kill someone. It's all fine, you know ? It's fine.

Stick to the old theory.

Nothing lasts forever. Promises are never real. There are no exceptions. Not even wood. What is love? For love you pay. You give and you don't expect to pay. You appreciate. But it doesn't go one way. If it goes one way, one person would get hurt. There's just no point anymore, isn't it. Love is a choice. You choose someone, you risk your life. Even if you can't stop loving, you gotta be brave enough to walk away. He's lost. He doesn't need to be loved. That's what. So it's a good thing I let him go.

I let him go.

If you think you bunch of alcoholics are happy people who let go of the past, why do you drink like that?

I drink because... Yes it was fun. I enjoyed your company.

At the same time I knew how greatly I was killing myself.

And when he pulled me back to life, the drinking stopped.

Am I gonna go back to drinking?

I know, I'm going out. It could be anywhere, it could be no where. I want to cry, I want to scream. At the end, I asked myself. Who am I possible to reach out to ? I only thought of ET, yip man.

I asked him where are you? He said he has something to do. He's outside. I said, nevermind. He said, he'd push them forward for me. I said, nevermind.

I drove, I don't know where I'm heading. But I thought, maybe I can drive a little and try to feel better. I drove, he called me.  I was hesitating to answer. And he told me to go meet him.

Fate wasn't helping us. It was mom's car I was driving. My sense of direction sucked. Gps signal sucked. I was lost. Suddenly, I saw myself more towards Wood's place.

I needed to pee. I can't stand being lost on the roads. I didn't know where to go. I forgot how to go. So I went to the place I was familiar with.

So what ?

So what? Exactly. I'm literally looking for my own death. I could've drank it off. Could've just drove and drove without destination. Why am I here to watch?

Yes you're not free. You could live happily like I never existed.

I think we should break up. I don't think you care anymore. Why do I see you and I'm unable to speak? You disappoint me to the deepest.

This is what happens when you love again. Idiot.

Self defense mechanism
Everything is temporary, don't take it seriously. Don't take anything, any word seriously. Promises are temporary. Yes. Don't ever forget how painful it was, it happened once and it will happen again.

You assure the quality. That's also temporary. It's alright. We fall, we learn, we get back up. Get back up. Who needs an A for chem? I need the nerdy spirits. I need to finish mgt assignment right away. Stop hurting yourself for some random temporary guy. He didn't want me in his profile, because he knew that he'd get tired of me, in other words, I'm temporary too in his mind. Don't take it seriously.

Yeah I'm fucking dumb. He taught me once, and now he's teaching me again. He made me love again. Which means, I'll lose him again. Remember, it's nothing. I'm meant to be single forever.

I'm meant to die alone. I'm meant to be that drunk fella that's throwing up on the streets. I don't deserve being loved. There's nothing to cry about. It's life. No one will stay. Yeah.

Empty, positively.

Today I texted arrogant to ask him about pogo cheats. I know, it's funny how we are close not due to being two years of classmates and librarian squads for three years, or even same shift mates, but because of after graduation which separates us, but then becoming badminton training mates. It's funny how we have a same channel due to pogo, we never get tired.

We basically had a full day conversation. Yes it did lasted this long, because neither of us are conversation killers.

Today, I gave him a small update, which reminds me of the badminton squad, exam dates, Wood's next intern phase, etc etc. I saw a can of carlsberg and a bottle of cider on my desk. Full. It's cool how I never had the urge of drinking recently. I told him, my life is pretty empty in a neutral way. My close friends far away, my love ones far away. I have no connection here, which made me only thought about self developments which includes losing weight, getting better grades.

He offered to skype because how sad it sounded. But I wasn't that sad anymore isn't it ? He said if I drank alone it would be even emo. Lmao. That's true in a way. Maybe I'm not drinking just because I'm alone. Not that I lost the addiction. Just because I'm sitting here on my phone, doesn't meant I don't miss the squad.

Every second I play a song, I miss them. I miss singk with them, I miss drinking with them. You have no idea about the small part of me that's excited for finals to come just for the study week before it. I would have time to badminton with them. I would have time to go for meals with them.

Yes it's empty over here, but that makes me look forward even more. What is joy without sadness ? How do you miss someone without separation? So maybe I'm a little empty. Maybe when I leave inti, I would miss the ipoh girls? I don't know. No one knows. I'm empty, just because I haven't left here long enough. Maybe in the future I would miss the days I live without connection and burden. Maybe I would miss running at night thinking about ghosts and the steps I have to achieve.

Maybe... Life wasn't as bad as it looks like.

There was one Saturday I went to Wood's place, he was playing dota. I was just talking to him, about how lonely it is to live like that. I talked, I don't even know if he was listening. It was an emotional night.

Then the other day my parents came here to watch the award ceremony, where I got into the Dean's list. They dropped me to put my stuff then when I get into the car, they were literally discussing and convincing me to get a roommate. And guess what they asked me.
Do you not have friends ?

I do. I do have friends. But friends over here are different from the ones in PJ. Just that.

Yeah..