Circles

"I have no idea yet."
"Then figure it out."

"My plans are doing this for now."
"You should reconsider that."

It's fun when nothing's going wrong. When everything's perfect, I'd like to snap. I always thought, we should take a very complete group photo. It's very hard when the group is big. It's hard to even make sure everyone arrives. Like my coursemates. The last paper was math. Everyone attended, of course! The science students and econs students finally meet up, but was it done? Nah. Why is it hard to capture the perfect moment? Maybe it's just not possible?

They're no big deal, actually. But time is the culprit. It moves so fast, we forget. We forget that things used to be like that. We remember the newer great times that some peeps go missing one by one. Good times.

We keep this love in the photograph.

Maybe it doesn't have to wait till the boys find their loves. Time, dramas can split them sooner before their perfect matches show up. Even before my degree starts.

I miss saying "I'm hapi". It's worrisome. When I dine with them, and hear very unobvious stuff in canto. Definitely drama that they tried to keep it low. But bro. I understand canto. Smartasses know how to gossip. They just say them all, without mentioning the names. I'd quietly make guesses, then attempt to get some confirmation.

He had diminished issues with her.
Then minor issues within the other her.
Then major issues with the boys.

Oh my god.

I always thought about peeps around me. The ones that know all about my recent stuff would be... Yip man, pineapple, moon and arrogant. Those that I update once awhile, Lychee, seaweed, lcw, drama queen, my cousin. Those that do care but doesn't know a lot, wood, and maybe ET. Yeah he does.

It's small circles usually between just two of me and any of them. Many circles. It's less dramatic when they all don't know each other.

Sometimes I think, the knot between the boys aren't looking good at all. It all looks ok when you don't know, but when you're told, you could sense the ice, the inner shit wars. Big groups are mad. Sometimes I think it's okay to have a knot. It's life, man. Natural selection. As long as you're good with your real circle, then it'll be good. They'll be there for you and it's okay no matter how groups split, cuz the group aren't real anyway...... It's like one day if the March intake girls and Jan intake potatoes split. It's no big deal. It's a big group, sugar coated happy family but actually small circles within......

Is my negativity kicking in?
Oh shit. But it's true fact! Big groups are meant to physically hold us together. And if we don't click, it's okay. Just like if the Balau peeps split. Balau-ans were never one team anyway......

I'm trying to be positive you see.
Balau can split. But yip man will always be my bestie. My own little circles will stay tight. That's the best thing life can give.

When everything is going right, we don't notice.
But when things fall apart, we react.
Maybe the key to happiness,
Is just noticing.

So let's accept it. Big groups will split. In many ways, it will. And it's okay when it happens.

Maybe this was also one of the reasons I'd see Moon and ET differently, but maybe no longer that way. No longer that way just right after seeing how it really is. They do have big groups. But not all of them are that kind. Seems like small circles in big groups are inevitable. If one person has a group of 10 friends with ALL equally extremely close, that I call a freaking miracle.

Ipoh.

We finally went Ipoh. Guilts finally gone from that Saturday night. It was tiring. I forgot to bring my pillow. Disaster. Mom was a very unsteady driver. She couldn't get use to speeding, she drove so.... Unsteadily.

The first thing I did in my grandparents' house was killing an average sized cockroach with a freaking twisties' empty package. Ew.

We visited granpa but he was unresponsive. Then we went for dimsum in grandma's first recommended place. Fucking delicious. Fuck. Then food, then food. And food. Oh my. Then.... Oooh I got myself nice earrings again! Back to grandpa.

It was cray. Everyone was having battery crisis. I was the only one who had powerbank, and my sister used it up. Zzz. It was cray. I had terrible muscle pain in both arms due to push ups, in both legs due to crazy lunges and high jumps, & running, right arm problem due to overwork again. And the right palm. Why? I had no idea for that. Feeling like a damn OKU. Still satisfied with yesterday's badminton.

This time we stayed longer in the hospital. My cousin, Sweet was there. She's so pretty. Damn. We talked bout loads of stuff. Studies to jobs to what we're up to recently then to sports and to friends. She said she went to Kuching for four days and her dad only asked where she went at the last day. Crazy. Then curfews. "Don't you have curfews?" I do. I do. Sis actually mentioned she knew. Oh my god. She said right after that day I threw up, she's more sensitive to the smell of beer. So she could smell it whenever I drank. And she said, there was once it was obvious, I got home, with the lights on, and the door of our room left ajar, I layed on the floor, knocked out. Actually, I do remember this happening. But she saw???? Omg. Somehow... Thanks for not telling dad. Hmm. Very crazy discovery.

I sat at a single seated sofa in between grandpa and the visitor couches, which is facing the curtains. It was lucky that I caught one moment that grandpa opened his eyes. So everyone rushed over to talk to him. "Pa, everyone's here, can you hear us?" He nodded a little. "Are you hungry?" He shook, then eyes went shut again, as if it takes all his energy to open both eyes.

The aim is to visit grandpa. But I think, most of the time we walked around and hunted for food, so much good food, fattening AF.

All the way home, I was thinking bout loads of stuff. Bout everyone I know, everything they said, what's gonna happen in the future, what's gonna happen when I get my results, when I get a job. Are they gonna stay? Then I thought of dad. All dad's friends are either married or divorced. They hike every weekend. Maybe they are gonna stay once things are settled down, when the little ones grow up. Trips still happened. Everything is possible. Mom's squad also hiked. Maybe the squad would split, but as long as everyone has the will, I guess they'd meet annually. Like a CNY reunion thing. Updates, and yeah things might go well and back to crazy.

I think I get why the topics were like that.
I think I know what to do. Or am I overthinking again?

No... No no. No. I'm supposed to notice when things are going right. Fuck. Wait.
Ok these days my mind aren't going right. The voices seemed like they're coming back.
Terrifying.

Wood's replied to my snaps more often this recently, but I don't think he's affecting me. He's concerned, and that's sweet. Sometimes, I thought, what if I got into Inti this year Aug? We gonna be in the same uni. He'd bring me around to tour the campus. He'd become my friend. What should I do? Treat him like a new friend? Or reject any requests he tries to do? He's just a kind person, he'd to that even if I'm not his ex. But what's gonna happen? Will we get to know each other new again? Are we gonna be awkward? Is it possible that the thing we had revives? Too many questions, I couldn't continue my sleep in the car.

"Bring yourself out of the sadness, and try to accept new chances."

Could wood be one? I'm not sad anymore, right? Am I? He says, it's easy cuz I don't talk the same when it's related to him.

So messed up. So messed up.

What do you mean by if he could handle? Sometimes I think, there's nothing he couldn't handle. But that's not really it.
I'm curious af. And a little worried. Please don't be anything scary.

Tomorrow would be a scary day. A battle for someone. A scary thing would be revealed. I wish nothing goes wrong. I wish it goes ok, and the scary thing turns out to be not scary at all.

Zzzz.

Clothes

Mom, I think we need to shop.

I told mom, recent weeks I've realized something from my wardrobe. I have so many T-shirts, very simple T-shirts but almost no smart casual clothes. Why the hell...

I've pictured myself going to work. What would I work as? Would it be like they say? Going for a science degree but ending up as a business person? Or would I stay in the lab? Honestly lab is okay for me. What if I really do end up in the lab? I'd be wearing lab coat daily. All I need to wear for work would be just simple T-shirts, and everything would be covered by lab coat.

I still told mom. Mom, I think I'm lacking real clothes. She said I'm growing up. HAHA. Crazy. Maybe my perspectives changed that's all. I used to tell mom, your clothes aren't normal, weird af.

"So now you categorized my clothes as normal, and your T-shirts as childish."

Yeah... So let's shop HAHA. I'm quite worried tho. What if I got myself two sets of "normal" clothes. When I go to work, am I wearing those two DAILY??? Oh my. Mom says that's why there are so many shopaholics, clothing market won't ever die.

Badminton 5 hours

Honestly my mind is so messed up, but I'm speechless af. 

"Do you want to let go?" 

You do know what to ask, what to ask to make me quiet. Do I?

Badminton was crazy today. Really crazy. Two and a half hours training, three hours for fun. Training was crazy already. I slept late because I was rushing to erase everything off the books. Good news I've sold two of my A levels books. Three to go, probably very hard tho. Arrogant was so lazy. Hmph, he drank from my bottles because he forgot to bring his. But his hotspot was life savior. Training wasn't good. 8 matches, 3 wins. 5 loses, lost 2 matches from one same guy. Ugh it was so close! Then I lost to the little girl? Damn. That was freaking embarrassing, but she got me. A very great liar. I mean. Her shots were tricky, so yeah. Sed. Coach wasn't here, so we did different stuff. It wasn't that fun. Aw. But still tiring af. I think my thighs died after training. The next three hours I'd die. 

ET picked me up thanks to the very kind arrogant. Second round was crazy. 3 hours! I trashed Sean. Sorry bro. Then, AM and I beat doctor and MJ. IT WAS SO AWESOME! Damn. I think my smashes were ok today. Only hit the net about once or twice? And some drops were on point. Satisfied. Loong was tired af today. Sorry man. My smashing form wasn't always good so I had to make use of it. He was damn exhausted. Honestly everyone was pretty tired at the end. Cuz some of them left early. Hah. Awesome. But I think I'm not gonna play like that next time. Hmm. I freaking sprained my left ankle twice, and the arm problem came back. Damn it. 

Then Loong, ET and I ate dinner. 

That's when the scary topics blurted out. They talked about marriages! Damn. Actually I've thought about that before. I've thought about what would happen when the entire ET squad gets married. Then the squad will...... split? It's such a depressing thing to think about, but not exactly depressing. Hey you guys are building a family, building a home. It's cool, it's nice. Nothing depressing. Just that... Friends disappear like that, right ? I don't wanna grow up. It would be so awesome if I stay 19. I'll keep stressing over little things. They'd have fun all the time. How awesome is that? It's just not that awesome for me cuz... I'd be here looking for badminton lovers. I'd be empty without you guys, but that's definitely inevitable. I'll just... Appreciate whatever fun we can have for now, so it'll make great memories I guess...... Still depressing. Ugh. I'm gonna miss them a lot. Like really a lot. 

I remember when we first know each other. ET said he could make me fall for him if he wants. *silently judging*, I thought, I don't trust you. When he said, hey bring your friends in. I also thought, I don't trust this squad yet. Over time, I do. Haha. Not the whole squad, but maybe just ET and Loong. I've brought pineapple in. I brought my ex in. I trust you people, in terms of friends. It's rare to see bromance already. In terms of friends, you guys are good peeps. Okay? Argument invalid. Who would rush out just after receiving two words? "Accompany me." Who would do that? It's pure bromance man! This is what they do when one gets drunk. This is what they do, when shits happened. It's sweet. It's not bad at all. Why do guys wanna be bad? Crazy. It seems like their definition of bad is when it comes to relationships. The seriousness. Hmm.

I told them that recently, beer is irritating my stomach just right after few sips. They say it's normal, sometimes the form goes off. Uhm. Phew I thought something was wrong with me... 

Something was wrong with me tho. 

I'm getting better. Really. 

You said you're getting better but, let me ask you. Have you let go of your ex? Do you want to? 

I didn't give him any answer. I didn't say anything for the rest of the ride back home. Erm. 

Sometimes, I don't really understand how ET gets these things. I never really told him bout wood. I never told him much bout how it went, the entire year after the breakup. I rant a lot, but never to him. How does he know? Crazy. Do I want to let go? How did you know I didn't want to let go? He can make me open up the box. The only thing I want to put aside, he can make me flip tru and face the shits, until they are really completely gone. Do I want to let go ? 

It's alright you can think it tru, if it's not working then tell us, we can go out and talk, we can accompany you and you can let it all out. 

I want to let go. But I don't want to face it. I don't wanna open it up. You get what I mean? Why do I have to face shits that makes me sad if I finally can live in peace, even with the illusion that it's gone? It finally stopped affecting me, why should I face it again? 

When we broke up, I remember I had to put up a smile, because can't let parents know. 

Me too, you know, me too, man. 

To get straight A's you gotta work on it. To let go, you have to work on it too.

How ? 

I'm so messed up. 

He says he couldn't really advice on this past shit. But he'd be there, they'd be there from now on. 

"Thank you." 

"Thank me by moving out of the sadness." 

Thanks ET. You are a keeper. 

Receiving help

It's saddening to see people around you being sad. Like all of them. When you start to rant, you rant and rant, suddenly they burst and start to rant too. The whole situations turned upside down, and you become the one who's trying hard to comfort her. Hey. Oh my god, this is bad. This sounds bad. I thought arrogant wasn't talking about recent stuff that day. Turned out it was so freaking recent I wasn't even updated with those issues yet.

Musically, tbh I'm almost as dead as you are. Three days practicing, bar chords aren't improving. I don't even know how to feel stressed out anymore! I know how I act when I'm stressed. Definitely not this chillax. I do understand what you meant when it comes for playing the wrong things even when you're freaking familiar with everything already. It's like me doing math. Oh my. Can I not recall that? Nightmare AF. I'm quite surprised I didn't shout the vulgar words when I drank. Too chill.

Bro you have time. At least you have time. Yes I think talking to me definitely wouldn't help. I mean, duh. You sounded so helpless. I'm sorry that I'm not born a motivator. You need wood's very motivational talks. Haha. I'm really sorry. Sometimes I would really wanna drive to your home and physically be there to cray with you. For a little bit of positivity. But I duno where you live now. Uh. I miss you bro. But thanks for telling. For allowing me to be one of your listeners. Ok pls be honoured, cuz... You're the one I text whenever I thought I couldn't blog about stuff, whenever I thought...... Blogging helps no more. Just cuz you're this awesome and I wouldn't want this friendship to slip away easily.

It takes a lot of courage I guess. For someone to trust another. To trust crazily like how I trust you. My sister said, it scares her, she wouldn't let one person know totally EVERYTHING about her. I'm not sure. I already let you. So tbh you could easily backstab me. But I don't see why. Cuz you love me too right? <3

Back to main shit. Oops.

Not everyone allows you to help. I remember when one day I was depressed af. Everything triggered me. So at the end I ran to my bed crying. Haha. Fuck. Mom knew. She was asking me, why ? Why was I crying so hard? I told her, leave me alone. Can't you stop asking? Because I don't wanna tell. I don't wanna tell. I told her again and again, with a very fucked up state, please just please leave me alone. Then she said, if I'm still with wood, she'd know that we quarrelled, but we broke up so what's the matter? That's the matter! We broke up! (Obviously I didn't tell her that.) I never told her. I never told her how the pain lasted for an entire year. I'm sorry mom. She was so worried. I felt really bad tho. It's just. A personal thing I don't want to let my family know. My sister never seen my cry from the break up, so she assumed I was always perfectly fine. Little does she knows, she kills me. She kills me by teasing me. So easy to fake a smile, a laugh. It was so easy. But I had to, right? Because I couldn't and can never appear vulnerable in front of her. Man up. I've got to do that.
I wouldn't let mom help. And dad never asked. Dad never been through much stuff tbh. Mom was dad's first love. It was sweet they lasted this long and still staying strong.. sis never dated anyone, she doesn't understand. I never told them because.... Just because.

I really hate myself when I overthink. Is that necessary? Yes! No! Sometimes I was right! ... But... Haiz. I'm sorry for taking each and every reply too seriously. That was annoying right? Maybe I wasn't comfortable enough with you like I was comfortable enough with yip man, pineapple they all. Maybe I was just too prepared for you to leave. I didn't have confidence in us. I even talked to yip man to rant and asked what to do about us. It's different cuz I don't see myself talking to pineapple bout what to do with yip man, or vice versa. It's just I duno...... Maybe just because you used to like me. And I thought it all would change right after that feel leaves. I thought, when I'm no longer your crush, I'm nothing left.

Didn't all cases end like that? Look what happened to all the boys that confessed to me. They disappeared. Hahaha. Dream talked to me once in a blue moon, same for Iv, at least we talked like old friends. Jin disappeared completely, that crazy ass Mba junior too disappeared. Only gabba remained a close friend for some time then disappeared. Wood became my ex, which then disappeared because it was necessary. Overall everyone disappeared. Ha. It's inevitable for me to think that you'd disappear too right? ...... I'm truly sorry.

Maybe you're different.

"Maybe you're different." I told myself that when I dated wood. Haha. Honestly I lost faith in guys when I saw none of my friends' relationships lasted. But I kept telling myself, wood was different. Wood was different. Wood was still different, because we broke up in a very stupid way, which is stupid. But... Inevitable. I shall stop using it.

Im sorry that I'll always expect you to leave. Still.

Friends

Obviously I have too much time to think about stuff nowadays. Holidays can kill. It eats up our minds, and force us to deep think about stuff that might not even exist. Do they? I don't even know anymore.

Friendship.

It's scary af. You give someone everything. You might not get treated the same way. You treat her as your bestie for many many years, but she quietly thinks that this friendship is dying. At the end it takes some time for her to realize, it was herself which wasn't giving enough effort. It takes some time for her to realize that actually they both love each other.

"He's one of my best bros. " But did he think the same? We never know. People getting involved in his life would know. I know. Being at the side slowly seeing things happen, wow that was sad. You never know.

Did I done something wrong to you? I don't understand. Maybe recently I've not been telling you much, so you didn't wanna tell back. But honestly. Ok? Ok????? Is that it? Did I done something really wrong to you??? I'm really confused.

During one particular period, I was like a prideless idiot. I allowed wood to treat me like I'm not more than a fucking tree. I allowed that. It fucking sucks when you try to talk, you wanna ammend, but you get nothing. You get zero replies, a word reply, a letter reply. K.

Wood I really need to talk to you.
*Seen*
Oh it's nothing! It sure gave me endless nights. It gave me loads of shits to rethink. It made me want to really punch the damn wall and ask myself seriously, why can't he just talk to me? I just wanna fix our relationship, why can't communication solve everything? Why he doesn't even wanna try and give us a little chance? Why did he do that? Why can't ge just let me in??? Am I that terrible? Does he hate me that much that he can calmly watch me die like this?? He's killing me. I can't do this anymore. I got to give up. No. Maybe he's just busy? I'm probably too annoying... I'm tired. Why is that I couldn't study? Why is he always on my mind?

So many unanswered questions. Gone. I don't even care anymore. That prideless idiot died. But it still scares me. Wood was feeling hopeless in me. He acted that way because I was such an idiot. Who would wanna talk to a brainless idiot like that? Just let her die.

Am I thinking too much? Or did I really done something wrong? I know I've done wrong lots of things. I know recently I've been a burden, a trouble. Why would you wanna tell me? Do you regret for letting me know things? Do you regret for introducing me to your friends? Take it back. Take me back to where I belong. What are you thinking?? I shouldn't even ask. I can't even ask anymore. Well, I deserve to sit here and frustrate until I stop living.

I want to ask you. Am I one of your closest friends? I thought I was. I thought I am. So I was wrong? At the same time, what are you to me? Why do I care? How can I let shits happen if I do? I'm sorry for not telling you much recently. I didn't want you to know a lot of stuff. I didn't want to give you more shits to think about. Is that wrong? Or what is it, why "Ok"?

....... Fuck.

I don't understand why, why is it such a struggle to start a convo? Why is it hard to just ask, "how was the interview?" Why can't I ask, "How's your friend? Is he getting better?" Why do I not dare to ask these stuff now? Why Ok? Why is it so hard to get information out from you? Are you tired of me? Or did you think I did something wrong behind your back or what? What can I tell? I only have my friends, and your friends. If they really are your friends, why are you afraid of letting them know about anything??? Plus... I don't even know what are secrets anymore. It's so hopeless. I'm fucked.

Again and again, dramatic shits happening. Hey yh. You should stop getting involved. Stop human connection. Or is that possible???? .... What did I do?

Thoughts of an unemployed

"I'm now theoretically unemployed."
"No you're not, you're a college grad."

I really hate being a jobless useless parasite. I know what I'm supposed to do. I have exactly 13 days to guitar exam. Grade 8 is not easy. I didn't touch aural. I'm completely doomed. My fingertips skin hasn't grown back yet. I need them there for me to practice for hours, madly. I need those thick skin, man. Now every time after a short break, it forces me to have this small preparation for incoming pain. As a guitarist. It still hurts. Yes. Maybe just for a terrible guitarist who has no damn hope but still aims for high distinction. I'm a fucking piece pf shit idiot. Mr Fung's a lot more worried than I am. I am worried, when I realized I couldn't play my third piece. It's a hard piece. Full of bar chords, that requires a lot of fucking stamina. I pressed hard. There was still no sound. I'm totally fucked.

I tried. I picked up the guitar, I played, I swipe my phone a little, I continue to play, then go down for food, then come back up then play, then rest then play then fuffffffkcehdneknd I'm so pissed. I'm a jobless parasite who only has one task. That is,, to get a high distinction. After two weeks, I'll figure out my next task, but for now, I just have to do this. But it hurts so much. It's crazy. I can't do this. So I went back to the park. It's disappointing to not see the park uncles. I missed them. It's disappointing to not see that black pup who always wagged it's tail to greet me whenever I pass by. It's disappointing I don't see any of it's friends in the house, wagging their tails from behind the glass. It's disappointing I don't see anyone that I used to see.... I ran. Not a lot, 1km in the park, 1km on the treadmill due to rain. Did loads of ab exercises, did plank. I missed plank. But I struggled, doing a minute. I struggled doing 45secs side planks. I'm getting fatter. Why? My appetite definitely increased. I drink. Now I have to work more to get back abs. I don't know how. Haha. I need to work more. I need to cut down food, cut down anything fattening. Beer is no problem. I'm cutting down already anyway. Food is a bigger problem. It's killing me, my midnight cravings. It's crazy. I want to eat this. I want to eat that.

Moon snapped me. He's pretty sad. Ah.. I somehow feel like I'm seeing a sad version of me, from 2015.

I wanted to talk, but I didn't want to be that burden. So I blogged, and blogged, and blogged. I thought the best listeners got tired of me. I thought I was too annoying, I was a burden, I was starting to be a little too... I don't know. It's like I'm telling you stuff, but you probably think it's no big deal, but it was a big deal. Like I was making a fuss out of nothing. I don't know. At the end... I need your help, but I don't know how to ask for help. So instead of asking, I just type. I write diary entries about him, so much. I wrote it every time he gives me tiny hopes that our love wasn't broken just bent, and we could learn to love again. I wrote it everytime I thought it was the end of us, complete end. Idk. Haha. I don't know. It does sting when I try to do this. When I mention it. Haha. Oops. Sometimes I thought, all about wood has been packed nicely, into one particular box. In my daily life, I won't ever touch this anymore because... I just don't. Because I'm not sure if I'm over with us. Because when I think back, it still gets me. Sometimes I thought I have no rights to fall for another person. I have no rights to doubt about myself, whether I'm having little feelings for someone else. Cuz of this box. I have no rights to fall for someone else when this box still exists at an important spot in my heart.

Did you know? That undescribable feeling when all you want to do is for things to be fixed, for everything to go right? When things accidentally went wrong and you can't do anything about it and you just have to watch everything you love slip away from your arms. One mistake made him never comes back. It hurts so much you want to make it right but you can't, and the more you try, the worse it gets. It kills you bit by bit, every fucking day. It eats you up, you went to college daily feeling like nobody in this world gets what you're thinking. Nobody gets how much you want to die, to end all of this. You talk to people. You laugh at how adorable their hopes are, and you get envious. You want to hope again but you couldn't.

I'm glad I'm not like that anymore. I'm glad flashing back wouldn't trigger a fucked up night. Phew I'm ok to type this. I'm probably ok. Yep. It's just a bad memory. Yeah. Relax. Ok chill. I'm not like that anymore. It's been a long time since the last time I had these kinds of nightmares. It's been awhile since I felt living was as terrible as nightmares.

I'm not sure how the shits ended. But.. I'm happy it's all over. Idk what helped. Many things helped. Badminton helped. Badminton fucked up my life but made my life better. Hmmmmmmmm. More like knowing older people helped. More like...... Listening to ET helped. Maybe you should try to talk to him? Haha. Or... I don't know. Talk to someone, really. Drinking wouldn't help. Drinking emphasizes the stress. From drinking a little more, I cried on your shoulder from guilt towards you because I missed wood. From drinking a little more, I acted the way I acted when I was doing math, I swore a lot, I scolded shits. Maybe just for me, but I think drinking is a lot more fun and better when I'm purely happy and not stressing on stuff.

Did you know why I always asked "Alone?" ? I figured it was pretty dangerous being alone when sad. I used to picture myself jaywalking, killing myself. I used to picture myself walking off high areas. Walking myself into death. I pictured myself making one turn. One turn could easily kill. It's just too easy to die. It's scary. Maybe the key to feel better, is just... Letting it out? Let the ones you care know better. Let them help you cuz they'd hate themselves if they knew that they didn't when they could.

Speak.

Badminton or music?

If anything......

I'm hapi to be receiving notifications that has their names on it hahahha. It's cool.

ET and Loong, haha.

First time ET tagging us in stuff.

Loong just asked us to badminton.

It's a struggle. Why everything happens on Sunday? I really love Sundays with the boys. I'd reserve my every single Sunday with them. I'd stay with them. Priority is them.

Haih it's sad tho. My cousin is priority too. Supposingly. But music aren't. Cousin and friends, I'd pick both and it'll be hard for me to choose. But badminton and music? It ain't hard. Badminton it is. I'm sorry bro.

I'm a hapi person. Heh.

Today's Thursday.
I wish Moon's friend wakes up.
I wish Sydney gets better. Hmmm.

There are loads of stuff happening. I'll go see grandpa next Monday. I'm hapi I can make it. I'm gonna miss out dinner with the boys. But...... I'm mentally at both places. At Ipoh, and with the boys. Hhaha. They're fun.

I wish my results turn out ok, so I can go for degree. I wish everything turns out fine. Life, please stay ok for a while. I appreciate the peacefulness.

Suddenly pineapple is gonna be free. She and I, and Lychee can finally set a reunion. I'm pretty worried bout us apart. It scares me. Man.

July is gonna be a good month. Let's be happy.

Coaching

I didn't practice enough guitar. I let him down. I'm really sorry. I partied too hard in the weekend, plus slept so much, then played too much badminton. Badminton was awesome yesterday, had great form at a few matches. ET and Loong came. I actually gave up trying to convince Loong. I didn't wanna try at the first place, but I gave it a shot. He's injured anyway. He should rest. I told him, I give up. But then right after I told him I'd show him my best form, he said he'd come. Haha. Don't know who successfully convinced him, but yay. It's ironic. Just like missing wood. I want to meet him, but I dw him to purposely make himself free just for me, but stressing himself out.

It was tiring AF. I challenged Swt, beat him 21-18. It wasn't good at all. I could've done better omg. Terrible. But anyway. It's nice. Thinking about yesterday. Ahh. He booked me and pineapple's Sunday in advance. Thanks for booking! I'll be there, definitely.

I'm falling for this song,
Perfect by Ed Sheeran.
Honestly it gives me the butterflies I've never had in a long time. It makes me really happy. Makes me want to repeat it again and again.

I asked Moon, do you think I like Loong?
He said he doesn't.

It was really late so I didn't manage to memorize piece B. I played until I might fall off my chair so might as well go to sleep. Plus I promised to help coach this morning.

It's a cool morning. Coaching autism kids to badminton. Coach treated us breakfast.

Beverages?
Nevermind, I usually don't order drinks.
There's no Tiger here ! *Smirks*
Coach playfully talked about the last time I went to training drained and exhausted from previous night's drinking. Ugh. Arrogant was like *nods in agreement*. Coach randomly asked for my playlist. Suddenly we talked bout concerts. So I mentioned the Metallica concert I've been to. Coach was like "you're crazy! And wild! Omg" that was a funny reaction lol.

Puchong. A really nice court. A few of them looked pretty normal to me. But most were hard to communicate with. It was lucky I agreed to help. There was just four of us, including coach, coaching like 20 autism kids. I was pretty worried of getting hit. They have no mercy. But all is well. Coach then treated us yong tofu. It was really nice. But so much rice.... My stomach aren't feeling right for days. It feels like constant gastric. Gg. We all were pretty big eaters. Coach is really nice. I like him. I sent arrogant back. Yay I know where he lives now. Hoho. I'll be a crazy stalker.
Perks of being the driver.

All is well. Practice is in progress. I'm a little slacky but the date's gonna stress me out and make me get hardworking. I'll get a high distinction. I'll prove him that I'm a crazy miracle. Two weeks. Let's do this.

.

I'm broken when I saw one bar disappeared. I'm sorry sis. For forgetting stuff so that we had to drive double the distance. It's really expensive. I guess I should let the car rest for awhile. After so much torture, crazy distance, crazy brakes.

All is well. I didn't fucked up my vibrato. I can play. Oh they got another little bunny! A four weeks old bunny. A very dumb name tho. Hokkien mee? Lmao. But dumb names are good. Hmm.

Violin teacher talked to me about my ex. Haha. It makes me miss him.

I told him that wood actually motivated me. He makes me feel motivated to study whenever I fall hard. Whenever I lose all the will to live. He makes me want to try again. He makes me better.
"Then that's good influence, why did you said no? "

What's puppy love ?
Does it change you when it's over?

Man, don't tell me how to live my life.

I told him, I want to be alone for good. But even if I really want to find someone, I'd prefer much older ones. Very wise and matured ones.

"But you gotta know that he couldn't be by your side that long."

Hmm. Such crazy topic.

ET

There's a lot happening yesterday. It was BH's baby's full moon, almost all of us went. I drove. That was not a mistake but it was a mistake.

ET are you going?
Partly because he wouldn't give a firm answer. Partly because moon's plans changed afterwards. I was thinking too much by myself, and that wouldn't help the situation. There would definitely be round 2, honestly. We all probably knew, but... I thought Moon would be there. I can drive a short distance home. But all isn't well. Leave at 8.30pm? So I'd be driving back alone. So I wouldn't be joining round 2?

I made a call. Mom said they'd be going ipoh right away and wanted me to join. But there were plans. The night and the next day. They did let me go. But how could they let me go if they see me leaving the car here and going out again? Honestly I felt bad. But I do want to stay and practice guitar too for these few days. I felt bad for not following. But I do have stuff to do and rush. Grade 8 aren't easy. I want to stay home. I hate changing plans. If I planned to leave in the morning. I'd hate to go at night too tho. It's not wanting second round, it's not wanting badminton the next day. It's combined facts and reasons, I just don't wanna.

"She's emo after a call. What's wrong? Speak."
I just went back and took beer. There's nothing wrong with me. I feel bad. Idk if I should choose what's right or what I want. Then I had an idea which is leaving it at the mosquito park. Then ET get cinnamon to her car, then usual plan. He approved tho.

Cinnamon followed my car. There was a tiny almost-accident. I followed ET's car near behind back. A car in front of him emergency braked. So he emergency braked. So I emergency braked. At that high speed, on the highway, and a complete brake. Cinnamon was startled. I heard my heartbeat fast. The tyres screeched. Somehow I managed to not hit ET. I'm pretty worried about hitting him. Lol I don't want my first on-the-road accident happening on me by hitting a friend's car. We managed to reach home safely. Then I saw jazz not in the house. Where is jazz? Is sis out? Are my parents back yet? Did they went to Ipoh with jazz? How come? I did the wrong move by parking almera at the gate. But I did a call, we did an illegal turn back to park the car somewhere.

After dropping cinnamon.
ET talked to me. It was scary. Deep talks with ET are always scary, but it gets comfortable progressively. I'm sorry ET, for almost hitting your car. For making you and them unhappy with Moon. For causing you this much trouble. I could've just went home and went Ipoh. Then practice crazily when I'm back. I'm sorry for being such a trouble. I'm sorry Moon, too. For making this thing happen. He said when he emergency braked, he was expecting me to hit him already. It was a good thing I didn't. It was a good thing.. I actually like talking to him, one to one. It's comfortable. It's very wise. It's not the kind of talk he usually does. Not the funny funny full of random entertaining topics. It's serious, and it means something, a lot. I'm still very sorry for almost hitting your car.

Tavern 13. I was feeling bad. So V tapped my glass, ET tapped my glass. Moon then arrived, cinnamon then arrived. They look ok, so I guess I felt better. I did a wrong decision by mixing I guess. Drinking black then white. Should've sticked to black. We had round 3 at mamak. I was full AF. All isn't well. Stomach not really well. I'm sorry for making V blush by talking that way. Omg. Really sorry. ET sent me back. He told me to sleep but I didn't really. Just this one day, the entire day, I'm crazily annoyed at the presence of ME. And I'm 100% convinced, he's a really really nice guy. Nice guy. It's cool to know him. It's a blessing to get to know him, and this bunch of people. The whole bunch.

Sometimes, I'd hear political stories, I'd see some dark sides, some conflicts, actually loads of drama. But in this smaller group, there's still true bromance. Pure besties within the few. One of the favorite things I'd love to witness. And I love the fact that...... ET tells me things. Not about bullshit stuff, just whenever I ask, he tells me, and tells me to not spread these stuff. He tells me the political stuff, stuff that's too fucking hard to see through from the sugar coating act. He tells me what is real and what isn't to him. Hey I appreciate that. So much. A lot. It makes me tell him stuff too. Stuff that no one else in the whole squad knows. Stuff that I'm too embarrassed to tell but still did.

It's a long day today too. I woke up with a bad bad hangover. But I didn't wake up in the middle. Probably because I mixed. Oops. It was bad.

"Tell me if you two need a ride."
All the way to mk? So nice of you too, Loong.

"Drink something sweet, you'll feel better"
Thanks. I will. Haha. But... It was still bad so I took a nap. It was great that an hour nap got rid of the headache. Then ET said he'd be here in five mins. Whut. Here he goes teasing me again.
"I don't even..... "
"Don't even what? "
"Like him."
"Then why did you pause for 20secs ? "
Why did I?

Badminton is love. We went ming tien for food then badminton. This Loong is crazy. He ate a double portion. I ate single, same food and was so damn full to play. Pineapple too was damn full to play. We were both in a terrible form cuz I had a hangover and she was tired from loads of stuff. That catch up wasn't enough! But... Still I'm happy to have that. Very. Then we played single. After so many years, finally single. I can't believe I lost. Haha. Terrible careless mistakes. We were both tired AF. All is well.

The dinner then proved much more, bout the pure friendship I was talking about. I can't stop thinking. They're so sweet. Yeah. I'm pretty lucky to be listening the convo. Funny af but still, they could speak. Pan's training up my canto. He spoke canto all the time, and I just listened, processed. It was great that I understood almost everything. Really great. I can't believe I finished up Loong's portion. My metabolism was on fire so I was hungry fast, plus we sat there for such a long period. Whut. It was tiring, but I'm happy.

These two days, ET's been a life savior to me. So thank you bro. Thanks. Man. Thank you for not continuing the acts you put up when there's just us. That means a lot.

You're definitely a potential bestie.

Badminton is lovelovelove

Again. Like I said, I woke up at 11am, then slep again at about 2.30pm. It was such a great nap. Then had my room much tidier.

Badminton is love. Today Crumby joined us. Why this nickname? It's in his name card, and I ran out of ideas for now. Crumby sounds nice. Yeah. It's been awhile! And we meet at my house haha. Niceee. Moon had light dinner then off we go. Cinnamon joined too, first time with Friday 9pm squad. Loong and ET too, even tho they said they'd be ffk-ing. All is nice.

Today something's wrong with me tho. The coughs are bad when I take deep breaths. I sound like I have emphysema lol. Or just because I ran a bit more from that match.
"Are you ok I think you need water."
"Add oil! We can do this." *Stares*
Well this is the first time hearing this from you. I realized I rarely stare into Loong's eyes when we badminton. I do stare into V's, moon's, everyone else's. Weird. Right? Btw I finished the one week antibiotics, it wasn't helping. It's definitely virus. And I probably fucked my immune system by not sleeping enough. Alright then, it should be much better by next week. I'm gonna get loads of sleep.

"I slept really well until 11am without waking in the middle."
"Probably because you were too damn knocked out." Yeah..

V was damn funny. I kenot. His form wasn't great in one match when we partnered. But relax bro we're good heh.  We kinda talked bout that karaoke night and what happened. "Who sings best?" Honestly I duno. Everyone has their awesomeness hahaahha I couldn't pick a best.

BH and I partnered, vs moon and V in one match. Black vs yellow, from our coincidentally matching shirts. We won! After a deuce. Haha. It was crazy scary tiring. Thank you people, for trusting me on several shots. I appreciate your trust hahahah. I'm so sed for screwing up loads of net shots. I should do better. I kenot. Haiz.

All is well. Cinnamon forgotten her shoes! But nvm, Badminton is love. I'd play too without badminton shoes. I'm pretty happy. Heh. ET kept teasing me. Omg. Idk how to respond to that already. It was a different thing so... But ah. He's probably joking I'm gonna ignore that.

I swear I didn't want to order food. Exams over, time to be discipline with the food part. But swt ordered an indomee double for cinnamon, and she couldn't finish. That rescued my to-be-gastric haha. Gg. ET was cray random. I like that HAHA. So awesome seeing him tease Crumby, and his responses were gold. They actually played games and used the eggs, bananas and cow milk as the punishment. At the end, still ET lost haha. :3

At the end they actually had a serious heart to heart convo. It startled me lol. Control freak. Haha. Pretty much the reason we broke up. I do have a solid criteria. But... That doesn't matter. Even if anyone meets the criteria... It's not like I'm gonna take action. I would do anything to not ruin a friendship. We can be besties, we can be brothers, and I wouldn't do anything.

"Why?" Because. Because it sucks. Someone with a direction? That's wood. Haha. That's definitely wood. My criteria? I'm not sure, but two types of people could easily get my attention. Passionate or gentlemans. Wood has both those. Those eyes. Wow. They make me smile just by picturing them. You know the kind of feeling when they describe their life dream? The passion. Wow. I can't. Haha. Gentlemans are easier to find. There are actually alot, alot. And I usually see the details.

Usually, it doesn't spark. It didn't spark on anyone. Not on many gentlemans, not on those rare passionate peeps. I'd get a good feeling towards them. I like you, and you, and you. I like everyone but, without the spark. Maybe that's all I can do towards people. Unless someone breaks in? But how possible is that?

Life is good like this. So why let boy issues occur? Just fuck those stuff, and chill I guess. What will be, will be.

I talked to wood today. His snaps surprised me too much I gotta ask. All is well anyway. He sounds tired. But he's gonna be fine. I hope nothing goes wrong. From now on... Haih. Crumby is nais. I hope he joins the other Fridays, it's gonna be great. I hope degree doesn't make me far far away from these peeps.
Yh, who has more potential to be a bad guy? None. Sincerely, none of you can. First of April I'll remember that. I'll remember what you told me, and just the fact that you bothered to talk to me about those makes you a great guy. And you, you're a very gentleman gentleman. Everything you said, everything you did. It proved that you're a good guy, too. You're both great peeps, don't have to try so hard to be bad. How good is it being bad? The world needs more peeps like you guys. Damn. I think I'm not thinking straight today. Enough with the compliments.

Let's hope everything goes ok tomorrow.

After A2

I'm a happy kid. Stats finished, I wasn't sure how bad I did. But I used up the time, and wasn't enough. So I probably did better than trials. Duh.

Everyone was so happy. They started taking photos everywhere. I looked like a lifeless zombie. I haven't touched my bed for 2 days. I miss my bed. My legs sore. There was some drama. Some peeps didn't get invited, so they had other plans and was pretty sad. It's the last day we get to really spend time together, cuz everyone comes from different places. It's a great last chance, man. I'm thankful joker did invited me very early. But even if he didn't, I definitely reserved my whole afternoon for them. Last chance man! Their plan was terribly dumb, how cheap is petrol? They actually... What? Planned to go MK for omaya then back to pj then back to KL? Damn. Crazy asses. Joker wasn't a really good organizer. It was an overly big group. Everyone was like.... pretty separated. But shell, stomata, class rep and his bf, and I remained closely together all times. That was pretty much enough.

"Guess where"
"Omaya, wow!"

Being in MK makes me miss pineapple. Haha. She's really awesome. Everyone's so sweet. My heart is flying. Omaya in solaris MK was much grander than the one in SJ. I think our huge group caused a mess in the restaurant. Sorry boss. The food was nice. Very nice. But I think I prefer the one that Loong, V and I ate together. It was freaking weird that...... The girls wanted to order cocktail soju. BUT the BOYS didn't want. It was too expensive so we didn't get enough people to share the bill, so we didn't order. What happen to the boys in our course! No alcoholic guys? Sien af. Photos photos photos. All is nice. MK is a really high class place. We walked around window shopping. Class rep applied lipsticks on hoodie. Whut?? ._. I'll just skip the drama. Joker was stressed af so he probably wasn't thinking right.

Back to 1U, but crazy tired. Shell and stomata were quite knocked out too, they fall asleep everytime in the car. But I stayed awake. Why? I'm supposed to be tired af too. It's probably the hype. Class rep and his bf has a weird relationship. But they weirdly support each other so that was sweet. But their personalities are both weird AF. Lmao. They wanted to watch movies but it was kinda too late. So we actually rested a little then headed to MPH. BOOKSTORES ARE LOVE. Sam read us horror true stories. I like listening her speak. Her English is fluent and awesome. It's actually sad that I didn't follow them until the night. They actually stayed out enjoying each other for the entire day. While I went back early, for our plan at night.

Initially I thought we're gonna have lunch and a little bit of appreciation time together. I was expecting to have a few hour nap after that, then off to karaoke. Turned out there was no sleep. Home, bathe then out again. Wow. Tired af. But happy. Very happy.

I was quite worried about my hair curling outwards. But it was quite ok. It's probably due to mood! My hair hears my screams. It always did. Yay. Moon fetched me, we started karaoke earlier. I was hyped af. HYPED. AF. Then there we go, spamming songs. Loong was pretty early. ET and Cinnamon was a little late. I think overall, it's still one song that makes me feel sad af.
我懷念的 - Stephanie Sun.

Honestly wood and I didn't share any memories for this song. It's just. Yeah. Idk.

Life's good, the food's good, everyone sang nice. ET was so shy. Cinnamon's range is damn high pitch. Wow. The duets were pretty hard cuz everyone would stick to chorus, forgetting which are the guy or the girl parts. I feel like I did a fill up. All is good. My back ached, probably from not sleeping properly for days. I think I shook too much throughout the night. It's a hot day btw. I can't believe I wore sleeveless to karaoke, with a super thin jacket just to cover up. It was HOT. I'm happy.

I can't believe moon fell asleep. Just sitting there knocked out. Wow. How tired are you? I'm so tired too but it's a hard position to sleep, and karaoke boxes! Loud af. How do you sleep? He left early too. Such a busy person harr. We sang for five hours straight. Crazy. Happy. Satisfied. Then jom.

ET said, jom second round, let's drink. Wow. I thought we're not drinking for the night. "The night is still young!" HAhahah something I said. Life's awesome. It was quiet. It's actually pretty late so there wasn't many people. I learnt few new games. Colour, up down, between or outside, then some math thingy. I got tipsy easily. Had a really bad form. So I had some trouble playing the one with math. Each person gets five cards. 6 can be 3, can be 6 too. We need to use three cards to form a 10 or 20. Yep I had trouble forming the bases.
"I don't think I can form a base."
"Yes you can. " (don't help her let her do that)
"Ok uhm. ...." *tries hard af* OOoooh

Another one was we all get two cards. If the sum is more then 10, then minus ten and that'll be our number. I got a ten, which is pretty bad. But it was freaking crazy cuz ET and Loong got 4, but they kept making themselves drink. Ok from here it's probably unclear about how to play but I'm just gonna make sure I know what I'm saying when I read this back.

We also played heart attack. With my very tipsy brain, I can't believe my reaction was still pretty fast. ET lost hhahahahhaha. We're good. Then the drawing Ace game. Wooo. What is the probability of drawing two aces consecutively? Oh stop it you, math.

"Stop refilling my drink, I can't drink anymore.."
I almost tripped when walking out of the toilet. It was the fucking floor that went like 10 cm higher for no damn reason. Tipsy but not drunk. When the guys went away, we talked. Yey. Cinnamon asked for my number. I was planning to ask for hers too hahahhahha really no joke! Then yeah. We had small talks. She's nais.

Off we go.

ET and Cinnamon has something earlier in the morning so they went back after that. And then I went with Loong for food. He's always hungry after drinking. Does that makes sense theoretically ? But nevermind. Wow he's a big eater. My head was really heavy. As usual, chin on my bottle.

I'm hapi. Very hapi yesterday. I can't stop smiling. Up to today, up to now, haha.

This is the first time, after drinking, I slept until 11am. It's satisfying. My phone died in bed, along with me,. HAHHA. I had a very good sleep, I had a very great relationship with my BED. I love my bed so much, I have no words.

OK now exam's over, time to start my TO DO list. Hapiii. <3
Everything seems to be going better today. I think. Grandpa's kidney was better. He was responsive a little bit yesterday, All sounds nice. I'm hapi. :) I wish I pass everything.

I duno how to thank everyone who accompanied me. I just really love all of you. For this huge sacrifice. Thank you! T-T 

When everything's fucked

It's worrisome. The whatsapp updates.

I'm worried about failing math, but I'm excited to party at the same time.
I'm worried about grandpa in Ipoh but I'm looking forward to training, madly.
I'm worried about mom and dad returning earlier so that I have to cancel all my plans but I do want to go back Ipoh with them just before anything bad happens.
I don't want them to come home early because of the plans that I have, but I do hope grandpa holds on and stay stronger so we could go see him, or just suddenly get better for good.

I want to do math. But it's weird, I could do some, couldn't do some. Stupid fucking probability. My efficiency wasn't good today, wasn't bad either. I did a few past years. Which was so much better than preparation of P3 cuz I couldn't even do one paper. I'm worried about passing math, but. There's so many things to worry for.

My throat was better for awhile, but today it feels like it's not getting better. I have one pill left. One. What's wrong with me ? Is it not killing them? Are they developing resistance? I did as he said. One in the morning, one at night. Altho sometimes I didn't really take them after meals. Cuz I skipped meals. But that was no big deal right? It's suggested to take after meals just so we don't irritate our stomach. But they aren't giving me any side effects. I'm not having any slight discomfort after each pill. I'm worried about karaoke. Would anything go wrong? Is moon gonna ffk? Am I really ok to sing?

If I go Ipoh right after BH's baby's full moon, am I having enough time to practice guitar? Today I went to class. Know what Mr Fung said? He said, everything that's necessary has already been said. Of course I show no improvements. I fucked everything. I threw everything aside for exams. Even our badminton club's work, I've threw them aside for a month plus. I told Voon, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm gonna delay. I swear I will do them after the exams. I told Mr Fung. I'm very very helpless about the progress in Grade 8 preparation, but I swear, next week you'll hear me playing better.

I'm sorry that I couldn't do everything well. But will I have enough time to practice if I go Ipoh? I promised. I promised him, I promised voon. I fucked so many things. Exams literally made me went mad. I'm thirsty. I wanna fucking get drunk and forget everything. Nah jk. I just wanna chill a little. I duno what to do, tbh. There's so many things.

Grandpa can you please get well? Please. When Jiu2 sent us your reports, I do understand. Urea level high, Creatinine high too. Kidney not functioning well. It wasn't that hard to understand. You're a strong man. You can kick those bacteria's asses. Come on. You should be able to get plenty of rest. So please get well. Everyone's anxious about your condition. You probably don't know. But. Haiz.

Mom called me today. She said I sound better. Duh better than on Monday? Of course, I was having prep for P3. Stressed AF. I'm ok now. But I'm actually not that ok. I duno if I can pass my stats. I didn't have enough prep. But I don't think doing the questions work. The questions are so fancy. They come out differently, weirdly. If I don't know how to do, I just don't know. Despite the amount of work I've practiced, I don't know how to do a lot, permutations and combinations stuff. Etc. And I have lots of careless mistakes.

Am I going to pass math ? I don't know. How about the one I resit? If I get better than previously, I should be able to get a 60^. Is that enough to fill up the terrible form I did for P3? Is tomorrow's stats enough ? I don't know. I'm really fucked. Can I pass my guitar exam? The fuck? Since when I'm starting to say "Pass" ?

I aimed for distinction all the time. I got it for both Grade3 and 5. Can I get a distinction for Grade 8? I wanna be top scorer too. Can I do that? Three weeks time for prep, can I even train up stamina for barchords? I'm literally fucked, even after exams. How can I even party?

Badminton after P3

Today started very badly, but ended with a smile. P3. The most fucking hateful subject in my life. (Wait no. Just A levels) It was as worse as chem P4. Did you know how badly I've did P4? So math P3 was worse.. Fuck me. I'm the type of person who gets dizzy and lightheaded when I'm facing these stuff. Dizziness was really bad during trials. For all subjects. Thankfully it got this bad only for P3. Thankfully. I get that feeling too when wood was about to break up with me. When he typed, and typed, and he just didn't send. I knew what he's about to say before he even sent it. I fucking knew. It wasn't hard to sense the death. Worst day of my life...

I got back home. I ate my breakfast, then upstairs to study. Here they go. People are nice. My snap buddies are nice. Moon was nice. I had critically low patience these days. Every fucktards on the road gets my high beam, and cusses. Too many idiots on the road. Every single thing, I was impatience. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I don't have time.
"Badminton tonight?"
Did you know I literally cried when I rant? I usually do. I mean. When I rant. Every time I tell you what happened between wood and I. Everytime I talk to people about problems. Every time I think about how fucking useless I am to this world. I don't deserve the world cutest grandma. I don't deserve daily homecooked breakfast. I don't deserve anyone who tries to cheer me up. I don't deserve badminton, and food. What did I do? Look at my achievements. I'm like a fucking piece of shit disgrace. I seriously duno. Should I even badminton? I shouldn't. I'm sad af. And badminton? Look at me badminton. I can't even badminton well too. The one and only thing that I've voluntarily trained myself for. And I still couldn't beat the ones I wanna beat. I couldn't achieve my one and only target. Should I badminton?

I went anyway. I liked seeing people that disappeared for a long time. I liked reunions. I found myself easily approaching the girls instead of guys. Last Thurs too, I reached and I actually talked to red. While today, I talked to Ben's girl. Lol she knew me before I had to self intro. I think it's my nature to be approaching girls. Maybe I'm really BI. Or maybe I'm just too shy with guys. I'm not regretting at all, for badmintoning. I'm sed. These people makes me laugh a lot. Crazy lot. Especially ET. Crazy af. Sometimes, I think I do considered him. But he's too crazy. Nice guys will be nice guys. I'd stick to my preference: serious people. On the other hand, I think I might be starting to talk, more.

Ooh Loong was here today. He didn't join us for badminton but he joined for food. These people. Cinnamon ordered a huge pile of spicy rice and couldn't finish it. It was the portion. Crazy af. V helped eat about half, and it's still a lot left. I ordered fucking cheese naan, and managed to finish up her spicy ass rice. I'm actually surprised by how much food my stomach could contain. Is my stomach this big??? I could still eat. But I'll have my control back after exams. I'm going to train back my abs, and make my thighs fitter.

You'll have to quit us if you quit supper.

True that. I won't ever quit y'all man. Did you know? ET squad is like an important half in my life already. I'm not planning to lose contact with you guys. I'm not planning to fuck things up. So even if I really have a thing for anyone in this squad, I won't do anything. They're hilarious. And crazy entertaining to be with. I guess I can say that... It's always worth it. If I go mad with them, or just purely badminton plus some supper. I'm probably gonna end up sitting in my chair fucked up and depressed if I didn't go for badminton today so thank you moon, for convincing me to go.

Fucking exams fucked my sleep, fucked my time with bed and my appetite. It's definitely gonna fuck my weight. But fuck you, math. Cuz you're just one subject. Fuck math, it's not worth it being depressed for one paper. Nope. No.

Cheers.

Fucking A2

I'd like to rant about everything. I'd like to rant about being sick in the middle of A2. I'd like to be proud that it did affect me but not that much. More like period, period affected even more. AT LEAST, being sick didn't make me sleep and sleep and sleep throughout the entire day. No, I shouldn't blame period. But. Period did fucked up. Two days could make huge difference. But what did I do? Yeah I did went out to play, to badminton. But that's all. Just a little bit of that, didn't affect anything. Period, fucking made me slept for two days.

I wouldn't mind if period is painless and wouldn't cause tiredness. I really wouldn't mind. I'm fucking pissed. There were a few questions, I did yesterday. I practiced integration, again and again, to make sure I really do know how to do. I practiced differentiation on fucking exponential functions. I could differentiate exponential functions, but not integrate. Why is that so different? I don't understand! I tried. I tried to understand, to practice more and more. But during the paper, I went blank. I literally forgotten how to integrate these fucked up monster looking equations. Fuck! Why???? The fuck. And what was that. What was that expanding shits wtf.

I was thinking, oh so how many am I gonna leave blank this time? Honestly, today's paper went better than trials. But trials was so bad I didn't go take back my paper. I don't wanna look at my score. Idw to know how bad I failed it. Because of A2, I broke my policies and took fucking drugs to control shit pathogens, pain. I fucking ignored the pathogens, and literally fucked sleep. I've missed my bed.

Yes wood, you're right. A2 changes people. This much? Lol we never know. Can I die ? I didn't even wanna die this bad when you broke up with me. When you left, I thought again and again, how to live the rest of my life without you. But A2 Math? I really...... fucked. Stupid A2 made my face full of shit pimples. Stupid A2 made me wanna cry everyday.

Is this what I want? Degree would be worse, man. Maybe no, cuz I've saw the course subjects. We're going to have statistics, but not PURE MATH and MECHS all this fucking shittards. I can do stats. I can do that. One will be hard but still, it's better than having four. I will never ever find a job related to math. NO. Degree wouldn't be worse because there's not much math. I can handle chem and bio much better. Yeah I did fucked chem that day. But...... Idk, At least I don't think I left half the paper blank. I did left half the paper blank for math. I fucked chem by not knowing how to do one whole page. Maybe it's not that fucked after all. After having math, this is really, the definition of "fucked".

I seriously can't tolerate myself. Why did I allow myself to do this? Degree wouldn't be worse. But I have to do my best. I have to meet the requirements, then work even harder for degree so shits wouldn't repeat. YH please never ever leave one entire subject aside until the day of exam. I underestimated math. I underestimated A levels.

I don't think I can fail chem. Paper 5 was ok, paper 4 was quite fucking hard. But I don't think I'd fail chem. I might get an ugly score but I won't fail that.

Math? If I failed that, I have months to prepare for the retake. And for that I'm gonna math every fucking day. I'm gonna work my ass off and make sure I get a better score for math. Fuck this shit. Math isn't hard, it's the will. I don't feel the importance of it, I hate it that's why. That's why I couldn't do it.

The thing is, I could. 

No regrets

I'm constantly thinking bout the convo with pineapple just now. Oh gosh she sure made me excited for life! Again and again, lol.

Trips. ET just talked to me about trips. That day when he sent me home. It sure sounds awesome. Sounds really fun.

Sometimes these friends I have makes me wanna grow up faster, to be able to earn and get the ability to be responsible for my own damn drinks. Who uses '150 per month! It's not even enough if I just badminton...... Not enough at all......

She then gave me a crazy question. They asked me something similar that day at naughty belly.  I'm not gonna tell who are my top three. But. I feel like I'm mad. Because deep down, I know that Wood's still in my top three. Even when I don't want him anymore, even when the love is gone. I still do want him to be living, happy and smiling healthily. Is that normal? Sometimes I wanna say, I'm glad it happened. Sometimes, I hate that it happened.

Maybe at another dimension, I'm still with him? How would that look like? Will I get into KBU and get to know this new bunch of people? If I'm still with him... There's a 99% chance I'd listen to his advices on college and uni. Cuz duh his convincing skills win all the time. If I'm still with him, I wouldn't get to know Moon, Loong, ET, and everyone else. I wouldn't have new badminton squads. I wouldn't get to know this very cool doctor. I wouldn't get to try different types of beers, soju, sakes, I wouldn't get to learn these types of games. I wouldn't have the first time throwing up from drinking. I wouldn't start knowing people this huge difference from my age, and listen to advices this crazy wise.

I want to convince myself, it doesn't matter if It with him or not, I can't ever trade anything for this life I have right now. Somehow I'm thankful we ended. I'm thankful wood dumped me to let me have a new crazy life ahead that I'd be looking forward all the time. Look at me. Look at my previous drafts.

I remember how often I used to throw myself in bed, burry my face into my pillows just to scream and cry and make sure no one else sees me like that. I remember how I've told myself again and again, how could we break up, what about all the promises, what about the memories, what about us? I remember, I'd tell myself, please, yh, don't ever fall in love anymore, don't ever trust any single person. The greater he seems, the worse it'll make me. If he makes me feel good, stay away from him.

The voices are still there, but it's fading bit by bit.

Idk since when, but it's quieter.
I'm not sure if it's a good thing, but... Yeah. I guess it is. The negative thoughts aren't winning. Yeah sometimes exam gets me, period gets me, but. When the pain subsides, I'm all madly happy again.

Lcw told me that I sound giddy AF. Lol. Idk but. I'm definitely excited for life, time to time. I should be studying rn but ah let me just blog a little.

Life is so good. It's exciting. It's crazy. Maybe it's a good thing one break up made me hit rock bottom. Maybe it's a good thing. Cuz now I can see better. I thought, I dw to tell much about it. Cuz it's just my stupid issue that no one understands. But they do. They know, even when I didn't tell. I can see who are the ones that really really do care. I see the way they care, and.. it means everything. The things they said. I'll remember them forever.

Maybe he'll always be in the top three. But I guess that's okay. He'll always be my very first love. And I don't regret for whatever happened. Everything happens for a reason. I guess this is our fate.

Thanks, wood. For the love you gave, for taking it back, then.... The present me you help create. It means everything.

Rant again

Let me blog for one last time. I feel like dying. I think I should regret for taking cold drinks for the past few days. I regret fucking badly. It does make a difference. It does.

It's so bad. Idk how am I gonna sit for chem. Idk how am I gonna sit for P3. After hell week, exams would be over. It's too late to work hard at that time. It's gotta be now or never.

Yh please. Ignore it. It's our fate, man. Just bear with it.

Come on. Chem needs me. Now. I must study...

Its not that bad.

IT IS FUCKING BAD.

but what can I do??????

Sometimes it's so bad I started Googling. I need to fix it to continue with my life. Guess what google told me?

Pills. Pills again? Painkillers? Fuck. Fuck this shit. If it doesn't work, I'm gonna fucking burn myself. Fucking shit you better work

I'm definitely not an irresponsible drug user. That shit worked. I think. It reduced my desire to suicide for like 50% and I can finally study a little. I think A2 definitely changes people. 

I'm not the type who gets meds whenever sick. I wait for my damn immune system to fucking produce antibodies for me. I don't usually use drugs. It's A2 man, immunity's dying. Cramps drive me mad, it was as worse as that week wood and I broke up. Hah. 

Good thing Augmentin and Mefenamic acid doesn't interact. 

Honestly it didn't work that good tho. Fucking hell. I hope you digest properly and make it last for the entire night to make up for the entire day I've screwed up for not studying. Fuck you period. Fuck you to death 

Spam, spam. Spam.

I'd like to convince myself that the coughs are completely gone. But when it itches a little, I take one small cough and it shows HOW MUCH PHLEGM IS STILL THERE. Fucking annoying.

I'm sed. I'm tired all day, trying to stay awake but failing again and again. I have no idea what to do. The junk foods are running out again. I'm dead.

I'm thinking about non exam related stuff again. I'm thinking about too too too many things. I'm thinking about the last time talking to wood. How I've screwed moon's feelings. I'm thinking about highschool stuff. Arrogant being arrogant, trying to hurt me but never really success. Loong and ET. Many things.

I wanna open this potato chips. I can't wait any longer.

I wish Monday's paper would be easy. Please, man. The fucking nmr spectrum part. Can you just fuck off and don't come out? Cuz I'd literally throw marks away. Idk how to do. That part. I'm dead... Haiz.

Period rant

I dont care! I'm gonna rant!!!!!

The fuck. My fucking period used to come fucking consistently, as in if stupid exams are near, it can literally skip two months! Three months! Even if exams aren't around, it can skip that much too!!!! But these three months it's consistent.

I don't know what to feel. Is it consistent because my moods are elevating gradually? Is it consistent because I'm getting happier and normal?

Sometimes I wanna shout out, I don't want a lifetime partner, in other words I wouldn't need my uterus. Sometimes, I do wanna give love a chance. Sometimes...

But I need it to be inconsistent rn! I have fucking chemistry next mon, fucking P3 next tues. AND ALL I DID WAS SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP. PERIOD MAKES ME SLEEP. FOR FUCKSAKE.

why now.....

Are you fucking kidding me?

I wanna think about the bright side. After exams, period over and I can have all the fun I want. I can go back to the fucking pool. I can start back my workout routine without waiting for period to end. I can drink again, drink. Fucking hell.

BUT STOP MAKING ME SO TIRED. I'M SO PISSED at myself constantly tired, collapsing without any reason. Im so pissed at myswlf not able to give my 100% at memorizing these chem stuff. These stuff.

FUCK PERIOD. FUCK PERIOD TO DEATH. BE FUCKING PROUD if you're a guy. Be fucking proud that you wouldn't get tired for no fucking reason, then sleep. Waking up in your fucking own pool of blood, then understand why. Be glad you wouldn't have stupid ass uterus trying to kill your every fucking month.

I'm so so tired...

In the middle

Coughs.

I thought my coughs would go away before I could start taking the antibiotics doctor prescribed. Welllllll nope. Stupid fucking immune system.

Today is a very unproductive day. I went mad trying to figure out math. Then, I gave up and started revising chem. I'm not on schedule. I'm literally fucked.

P3's gonna be as screwed as during trials. I might not fucking pass my math.

Wanna play badminton? Sure.
Wanna drink next mon? Sure.

Honestly! I'd go if P3 starts at 12 something. But nah it didn't want me to go, so it starts at 8.45am. I know I'd fail p3, but.... I'd make sure I went to sit for it and give it a try. So no way I'll let hangovers or shits ruin it.

Look look I'm still a rational student.

Today's badminton was awesome. I had enough sleep, so I had quite an ok form. I still think my footwork ruined a big part, but... Today I covered some of them, and some covered me. Some of them disappeared for such a long time. I think it's cool we can talk. I mean. Despite the huge age difference. Lol they asked me, what do peeps on my age do? What do they play?

I....... Don't...... Know......... Ohmygod.
I remember what pineapple told me last time seeing her.
"I think we're more than our actual age."
Right after she came back from aussie... Right after I joined ET squad, everything's different. Yeah we hang out with older people. But it's fun, right? It's exciting all the time. It's a lot to learn too. Being with this bunch makes me feel really young here, and makes me feel old whenever I'm in class.

It's crazy how ET can come up with those kinds of extreme jokes. It's not scary anymore, I play along instead. Today they started hard selling V. V is a nice guy. Yes I know that, I think he's a nice guy since that day. Since our birthday celebration.

ET kept saying he's old. Hmph. Don't ever. They're not old. They're still young and crazy. He said, they're gonna train me until I turn 21, then it'll be my turn to take drinks for them. Wow. I don't even think I can survive that long.

People say, 21 years old would be the craziest birthday ever. It's gonna be a day everyone gets drunk. And they wanna make me the last one standing. Lmao. Is that even possible? ET said there's so many things that they'd bring me to explore after I reach 21. Trips, casinos, etc. Wow. I'm looking forward to trips. But sometimes I feel like a little parasite. I haven't even finish studies, and look at me going wild with money that doesn't belong to me. I can't do that. I needa grow up and earn then play with the amount I can afford. But... That's so long to go..... Looking at them, I don't wanna grow up that fast. I actually like being a student too. It's just... Idk. I'm supposed to be the good girl always staying home to study. I'm not supposed to be drinking and all.

Haih. Sometimes it bothers me. Am I supposed to be living the way I'm living now? Am I supposed to be going wild right now?

Dreams

I'm probably going crazy over my.dreams. i had two. First one had Loong and ET inside. I don't remember much, but I think it was nothing much. They two was in my dream again like 3 days ago. I couldn't remember too as I didn't think back hard after waking up.... 

The second dream was scary. It was me and my whole family in there. In that world, it's like a fantasy world. It's like time flies. You walk for the entire night, you age up about five years but you don't really feel it. It was scary.... My parents went for a nap, meanwhile dad told sis to bring me out for food. It was Night time in a fantasy world, and Idk what's up with my mind, so all the shops we passed by was mostly bars and pubs. We passed them all, then there were some cafes. When we were about to head back to our place, but neither us could remember the way back. We passed by some shops but we couldn't find the previous bars we've passed by. All the shops were different. We got lost in a huge huge world. When we finally foud a huge landmark, we ran towards there. Nothing felt right, I was worried AF as if I could never ever go back home.. the kids we passed by when we went for food are grown up..

Then as we got back home, they were just waking from their nap.

Maybe they're overseas for.. four days and I miss them already. Maybe I'm just afraid to grow up without seeing them. Maybe this is my reason to not wanna be far away from home.

Yes after wood broke up with me, I told myself. Why else should I stay here for? I'm free. I can leave. My parents don't need me, and I can leave. But.... Maybe I miss ET squad. Maybe I miss yip man, pineapple, my parents. That's why I'll always have dreams about them. Moon too. I've got one with him in it too like 2 days ago but I can't really remember.

I'm so tired of having dreams. At the same time, I thank them for giving me little hints about what's important to me. No longer wood. I no longer think of wood. It was A good thing, but not sure if it's because I really don't miss him anymore or just slightly aside....

Hey dreams. Let's distribute it well ok? A dream each day is that ok? Two in a day is too much for me....

Badminton 2 rounds?

I didn't expected myself to be playing badminton today. I was so lazy. Honestly. At the very last moment, when flare invited, I'm like... I'm so lazy. Even when cinnamon invited, I literally said nah not going. At the end, I went for both! Ffs.

It's a long day I think. I accidentally woke late. Yes it was an accident. Proud to say, I did studied, did like a tiny bit of math investigation, then off I went, out! For the antibiotics doctor prescribed for me, and literally for pokestops. Caught too many until my capacity went full lol.
All is well. Antibiotics are expensive. The pharmacist said, "It's always the best when doctor had it all written down. One after breakfast, one after dinner, its gonna cause some discomfort." And he took the paper. I was hoping I could keep it for no damn reason.

I drove to CE's condo! And parked a spot close to the lift. Yey Im proud of myself! They were so so late. Next time I'd reach half an hour after the time stated. Anyways everyone was so soft. Even flare, I mean. Hmm. We played 1v1. AND I BEAT HIM. I'm hapi. Five points ahead. CE was damn exhausted today, no idea why.

After that, I kinda went to join Cinnamon's squad for badminton. So randomly, ET, Sweat and moon was there. I was around half an hour late from CE's condo. Wow I didn't break extra extra clothes for that so.... Fuck. All is well cuz I wore the same damn shirt till the end. PARKING was scary AF!!!!!! I droved around the court to look for a spot, then followed this guy to his spot and took that. Meanwhile, there was a car behind me, patiently waiting for me. Thank you for not honking! The world needs more drivers like you! I probably parked okay, and... Yeah. Badminton is love. But at halfway, I got really tired. Still, I guess it's worth it. Badminton's always worth it.

We actually had supper after that, at Ming Tien. Oh gosh I'm so proud of myself today! Two side parkings by myself, AT NIGHT! No problems caused! I love me. Yes. Yay. It was a great spot. Very close to where they sat.

I wasn't expecting to see Loong, gold and pan today. ET claimed the two as my "husbands". Wow. Okay. Lol. At least they're nice peeps. Very cooperatively, hahahaha it was cray. I like seeing how the boys have their discussion about the girls after they left. It was funny AF. And they were planning to eat super spicy Taiwan sausages, luckily they ran out of sausages. It's unhealthy to eat too spicy. Crazy guys.

"Did you drink this week?"
"Nope.... But I did last Fri"
"I know that, and you threw up" *smirks*
Oh gosh why! Don't pass it around man. This ET. It's embarrassing. It's crazy. Then they say, no it's not embarrassing. Cuz they throw up all the time lol. (Really!?) ....

"Yh you threw up before already?"
"It's the first and the last time ok"
"Everyone says that!"  No ._. not everyone throws up in their fucking room at the door. ....

Hmph. I left when I get my sister's supper. This fat ass hungry pig.

I think today was tiring.

"I literally went for two rounds badminton"
"Where do you get all that energy?"
Meanwhile, I was eating chicken chop, as mt dinner!!!!!!! At that hour. I can't believe my stomach made it! Im proud of you, stomach!

Stress.

Today everyone was awesome. My grandma told my sister to rescue this kitten. I knew something was happening! There were meowing sounds for like three days. It's a sad hungry kitty. So my sister saved that lil guy. Ngaw.

Then... Gold was friendlier today, duno why. Hmm. He's nice. He has extremely cold jokes. I couldn't even laugh getting it. Then I couldn't understand much of their canto. it's so.... Fast... I understand the back but I don't know what they first said. It was hard to catch. I think I should work on that.

Flare was unusual these few days. From the last time he texted me, he was already slightly unusual. And today, more.... Why?

Sometimes the little voice tells me to don't overthink details, because it's all made up from our own shitty imaginative mind. But...

Usually when I sense things, it's always accurate....

Weird AF.

Tomorrow's gonna be a nice day.
Okay?

Yes. As long as I allow it to be.

Hype overload

I'm fluttering. Ok It's such a happy day today I'm gonna write all of it here. Where do I start? 

First I wanna say I was having exams from Monday until today(weds). My form was better the last two days, cuz I really worked harder. But today I did badly. IT WAS MATH. But I still left the exam room happily, excited for everything coming up.

Coach's event turned out to be a huge selangor event, he was just in charge of part of the games. I went there late. He says "be there at 8.45" which is exactly the time of math exam. So yeah I got there 2 hours late, BY CAR. I actually made a wrong turn and added so extra miles to drive.. then parking was crazy, so I parked outside the damn mall. My job was again, running around to capture photos. Nice. Arrogant was there too, and his bro. Life's good, my coughs aren't gone yet but at least No fever yey. Capturing job was ok, until it started to rain. Remember what happened after getting just slightly wet ? Fucking hell. My job was so simple. And chill, meanwhile free fleet Tshirt, isotonic beverages, free lunch and choice for anything from J.co. Coach is such a generous person. It ain't cheap. Then finally, we actually had time to chit chat. Lmao. Arrogant hasn't applied for anything yet!! This lazy ass. Not even a student, so he's "unemployed"! Still thankful they sent me to my car so I can avoid running under the rain like a fucktard with my greentea latte.

Home is sleep. Sleep is love, even if it means, sleeping for 20mins. I did fell asleep. Still tired. And excited. Excited for tonight's badminton. I thought, next week would be so tough, I wouldn't have much time for badminton so I have to play more this week. And yeah.

"I heard you threw up in your room"
Who said that! My god.
Badminton is love, badminton is everything. I drove again! Happily. I actually don't hate driving, I just hate other cars driving with me HAHAAHAH. It was cool that this girl came. I can't believe it, we had a great conversation the last time I saw her, even tho I only met her once, and I totally forgotten about her! Let's just call her Cinnamon. It's sweet and nutritional, totally accurate. Couldn't remember her at first, but her second "first impression" I had towards her was "hey she can play. She can tap!" THEEENNNN only I remember the conversation and everything. She remembered me! Oh gosh. Oh gosh. I'm so terrible. Anyways the boys went crazy over her. The boysssss. Are always crazy. All is well, so many people, three hours badminton! Moon's squad, ET's regular weds squad was there.

There are few really cool things that happened. I think. First I probably had great form. Second I probably had great mood. I was hyped AF. Im happiness overloaded, that's why I gotta blog now. Third lcw texted me. For such a long time not contacting, it was great to be catching up. I couldn't believe myself for giving him this much updates, and him drowning in a huge issue. First time it was me who was giving him advices. Another thing, damn, I told medic about the past six days, all the signs and symptoms, he said "I'll write you a prescription later." Then he really did! It was so wow. Cool AF. Doctor's writings but readable, wow.... Thank you! He wrote my full name, IC num, dear pharmacist...... "Do you want cheap or expensive ones?" Awww. I'll remember one thing you said. "Alcohol kills germs, it's okay to drink when sick" Lmao. I love that. Today's form proved the huge difference in performance of having human amount of sleep. Some drops weren't good, but majority it was ok.

Speeding is awesome. Sarawak mee is awesome.

I think after so long, some parts of me aren't the same anymore. I remember I used to really hate everyone who smokes. Maybe I've been exposing to too much passive smoke, I'm fucking immune! It's gonna happen when both the people left and right side smoke crazily.

Boys, are gonna talk about three things all the time. GAMING, drinking and GIRLS. THE FUCK. I think I definitely smh all the time when it comes to girls. The rest, I try to understand the Cantonese. They say 21yo is definitely the craziest day everyone get drunk, but maybe I would be slightly harder cuz they training me up to drink. Lol. ET Loong when are you coming over for dinner? "Tell your parents, ET and Loong is actually 20 over people! Hahaha" I think I'm over hyped.

I hope nothing goes wrong. I mean. Yeah we have pretty huge age difference, but I don't really wanna cut off contact. I hope they stay young and healthy and crazy forever. I hope I don't ever get drunk anymore so I won't risk this thing.

Because I don't used to be excited over things. I don't used to speak this way outside, not to 38gang or my classmates. Actually they all are so fucking awesome. I mean including my coursemates. Know what did orange do? She called me because she was worried I couldn't wake up! That is the most fucking not self centered thing ever, and class rep dislikes her? No sense! I'm touch AF again and again for the week.

I'm deadly living too happily. Aahhhhhh.
Let's work hard for next week's paper so I can get well and PARTY. Loving life!

When you're sick

It's the little things that matters.

"I'm craving apple cider"
*Brings bottle of gold apple and kitkat over*
"Your reward for working hard"

"Fuck I forgot to bring my extra Tshirt."
"You gotta change, just change, Monday you have exams so you can't get any more sicker"

"Gg I threw up, I think my sister saw"

"You're drunk. Bathed? Get some water and sleep!"

"Yeah, but but but I'm so doomed"

"Maybe it's not as bad as you think."

"Remember what happened last night?"
"I wasn't feeling well yet I still drank, ended up throwing up"
"You should tell me that earlier, I could let you eat this this this"
I threw up in my room and this is what she said to me. Thanks mom. I'm sorry for drinking behind your back. And dad's.

"Mom I want spaghetti."
*Cooks spaghetti right away*

"Morning, how did things went?" 

"..."

"Told you it's gonna be fine"

*Coughs*
*Turns off aircon entirely*

"You're sick, let's order something light ok? And some warm drink"
Yesss sir!

"It's raining, where are your keys?"
"In the boot, it's alright I can run"
"Nope you're sick." *Insisted, adjusted the chair for umbrella then ran out to my side and kept me dry*

"Go away leave me alone" *turns off wifi*
*Brings apple cider and an apology letter over*

"I'll pick you up tomorrow ok"
*Shows up with green tea swiss and ice cream*

"I'm dead. I hate math, I want to give up but Idw to give up, I'm feeling like shit." *Cries(yes I literally cried)*
*Shows up with fucking herbs* 

"Whut are you doing here"
"Wasn't planning to let you know I came"

I wish all of you know, I'm a terrible person and I don't deserve all the care from y'all but I fucking appreciate them all so so bad I'm gonna feel that being sick is not killing me at all, anymore...... Cuz you guys are literally love. Please, stay in my life forever and ever. I mean. Really. I appreciate you. And you. And you. I appreciate all of you.

I don't deserve this much....

I'm gonna work hard on exams. I'm gonna get a job, a stable one. And I'll earn back, I'm gonna be a good girl. I'm gonna drink wisely, I'm gonna take better care for myself, I'm gonna not let any subject screw up my mood. I'm sorry for being a trouble....

I love you all.

.

I had to spam.

I was looking at the things I starred in WA. Why did I starred this? I tapped in, I read, and I can't believe it. You sent me this, and I didn't stop further damage? What was I thinking. I did told you to stop a few habits because I felt uncomfortable with them. You listened then continued the habits. And I told you again.

I duno what was I doing. I'm sorry.

I will never ever let this happen, unless I have 100% confirmed that the person is joking. Like ET calling me wife. Those are definitely jokes.

Actually I was a little bit sure about it.

When you threw a 2 to me, and again and again, I was pretty sure. It's either you hate me, or you have nothing towards me. Because the last time we drank together, you took drinks for me instead of making me drink!

Did you know how many times I've changed your conversation to customized then back to uncustomized settings? Sometimes I want to know when you talk to me. Sometimes, I don't. I don't want to reply you that fast and make myself seem desperate or nice. Idk. Sometimes... I just duno if I should. What are you? I wasn't sure. I kept convincing myself, you became a great listener and I could talk to you abt everything because you liked me but I thought we were potential besties. Then? When it was cleared, what are we? Customized. Uncustomized. Thank you for clearing things up, I guess I know what to do now.

Looking back at what I starred for Wood's messages.... They sting. If the star function was available since we were together, I would've starred so many so so many. And I'd cry each time I read them back.

Look at what he said to me....
"I just don't want anything bad happening to you."
"I read all"

I probably unstarred a lot. But... These few remainings still..
Suddenly mentioning something he said to me when he loved me, triggers a lot. Hahah.

He was so sweet.

Oh stop it, you.

Wood I'm so glad I'm forgetting many things. I'm thinking about the things you said to me. I thought about some. I can picture lots of memories. But words became blurred.

I'm thankful that you stopped trying to keep us in contact. We still could see each other's fb, snaps, but we don't cross path anymore so far. I wish we stay this way. I wish, it stays this way.

Everyone that's supposed to be gone would be gone. What's gonna happen when I go for degree? I duno. I hope it'll be ok. I hope the people I know will still be crazy and awesome. I hope pineapple stays here longer.

"I have nothing to lose."
No, I have so much to lose. But I'll be accepting. Accept that it's gonna hurt for a little while, then I'll get over it. Accept that in life, no matter how scared we are, it's still gonna happen, and we'll get tru it.

Bribe

Today started great. I was actually laying in bed smelling my phone when mom barged in. So I went and followed her to her room. My parents are both so cute. They were packing luggages for the China trip. Dad smiled a lot. So I'm pretty sure mom didn't tell him anything yet.

And when he went to bathe, there goes me and my bribing skills.

I guess I did a very good job convincing her that we don't drink often, and it's really really just occasionally. And that I usually don't end up this badly, it's because I'm sick! Not a lie at all.

Then then then grandma popped out yelling about indomee residues in the sink. In other words, my whole family knows already. Very luckily, dad didn't suspect much. He said, why did you went for badminton when you're not feeling well? Heh. Because badminton is love. Because badminton might make things better a bit.

But I failed bribing my sister. She probably hates me so much omg. I need a long term bribe. Mom's easier than sis. Sis is sly, and mean at times.

I'm still sorry for ruining things. This time I'm gonna use it. I regret drinking in thaaat state. Trust me, plain water makes me wanna throw up too, let's not talk about beer.

I really hope my sister forgets this.

Oh god. Did I mention why I smelled my phone? I swear I washed and rubbed my phone cover, but there's still the smell of beer.

Please don't make this a significant thing... Fml

Until I saw my broken jug, today started great.
My jug...............
I swear my heart breaks when I saw it. Fuck. How can this happen.... I brought the refilled jug upstairs last night, but it was cracked and empty this morning. Where did all that water went? Where did I break the jug? I don't remember water spilling on me. Did it spilled on me????? I'm not sure. I have no memory about that. I just remember sitting on the floor feeling nauseous.

That's how fucked shits went.

I broke my jug............ I'm gonna remember this day forever. Forever. 5.5.17, not a hard date. I'm gonna remember this, and make sure it doesn't happen anymore. It's not gonna happen anymore.

The jug is my love. T.T

I was bathing and thinking about it. What happened last night? I think I didn't wash my hair with shampoo, cuz we actually ran out of shampoo and in that state of me, I wouldn't have a brain to get new shampoo. Plus my hair feels so weird today. I don't think I used soap too. Did I? I think it's weird with these memory loss. I mean. I can remember tiny bits overall. But don't remember a lot too. What, I banged on the door? Did I? I don't have memory of that. I remember I went inside, then... I talked to mom, like one or two sentences but idk what I said. Then I probably went upstairs with the jug? The weird thing is,,, the jug was on the floor in the morning. I usually put it on my wooden stairs, or on my DESK. IF I really did put on my desk, with that bad crack, my laptop's gonna die. All my books, my notes should be gone. REALLY Thank god I put it somewhere safe. 

Another conflict. Just now, I found where all that water went. I had a small plastic bag holding my extra T-shirt I was supposed to wear after badminton. THE WATER WENT THERE. The fuck? If I put the jug on the floor, it should leaked onto the floor. All that water should've wet the wooden parquet. I should know. But no that didn't happen. my extra shirt was wet! Why???? Since the water is finally found, means... means I didn't drop it on the way stumbling to my room. Unless I dropped in when I got into my room? If no, then I probably hit the wall when I was walking upstairs. Which makes alot of sense too, but the stairs wasn't wet. Everything's not making sense to me. 

I threw up at the door. I was regret AF for not making another ten steps to the toilet. Really. Why..... I think I immediately cleaned it up. Yeah. I was nervous cuz sis turned on her light and talked to me. The moment I knew I fucked up. I hated myself so bad, Idk what to do, so I probably texted you peeps. You guys have very different reaction. Loong said "Omg are u ok? Omg u r drunk." Moon didn't react much. ET said "That's a good start." LMAO how was that a good start? That's a bad ending. Lol. 

I had a quite ok sleep. I don't remember drying my hair. So I slept on the damn pillow with wet hair? Oh my god. I can't believe myself. I remember swearing a lot. I'm very sorry. But please, trust me, that's just me whenever I math. That's me when I'm having exam. Why else did I isolated myself from humans when I study? Cuz I swear, I scold. It was just stress. Heh. Omg. 

Yh don't be dumb next time. No drinking when sick.