I'm so happy :)
I think about how he held in his arms. I think about how he stared at me.
He still loves me no doubt, he was teasing me all this while, making me jealous of that Shandy. But damn, I love him so much. I think of him, and I think of what he'd like me to do right now: be discipline and study hard.
And then I'd study, happily.
I'm so happy I couldn't stop smiling.
He's a great guy. Such an amazing person.
Shitshitshit. I know I've been eating too much recently. Being out with him, and for the sake of upcoming plans. So I'm controlling my diet more strictly now. I need to lose weight!! More!
Fruits! No problem. But!!! I ate too much pineapple. Bromelain is digesting my lip again. Imagine eating pineapple and you see blood halfway biting. This is too much. But I still went on finishing them, ignoring the metallic taste. It'll clot anyway. I'm vampyre. Second time bleeding because of pineapple.
Then it wasn't too satisfying, I got myself vitamin C. Regretted until now. Fuck. Vitamin c is fucking citric acid. Fucking acidic pineapple then acidic vitamin. It fucking burnt my tongue.
Why did I made that choice. Ohgodohgod.
Aaaaaaa.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
"I wanna be happy for you but I don't wanna."
Sam's not really supportive bout me still wanting him. I get that. She doesn't know what happened. And it's okay.
Damn, I'm so happy. He appeared in my fb notifications, twice! Then WA!
I couldn't say anything anymore.
:)
Aaaah.
:))))
Salty fish called. She was damn fucking random. One of my sister's bestie, and wood's brother's ex.
It's complicated.
She just asked. She asked the stuff that I would love to know the answer.
"What did you two do?"
"What movie?"
"After the movie?"
"Where did you guys had dinner?"
"So do you two still have chance?"
"Are you gonna be with him?"
I don't know, seriously, I don't know.
"Tell me when you two got back together."
I'd like to lose the bet with pineapple.
I'd like to tell salty fish, it happened.
I used to tell myself. If he's free, he'd show up himself right away in WA. If he's free, I'll detect it easily, cuz he will find me. Sometimes, I wait and wait, I thought he might be free, but lost hope in me. He's still here. So yh stop overthinking. Stop overthinking and make yourself depressed, he's not gone. He's just busy. He's really still here. If not he wouldn't simply pinch your cheeks, pull your bstrap, he wouldn't care if you didn't wait at the safe area, he wouldn't tell you "Hold on! Few more secs!" If he's gone he wouldn't ask you out whenever he's free, he wouldn't do that.
So let's work hard together as planned. Let's do this shit. Having you far away, without frequent contact, it's just like you have gone to somewhere with different timezone. And it's important to not wake you up because you're already exhausted from all the work. I'll always wait for you to come back.
Your friend can study well away from school to maintain that results. I'm not that perfect. But I'm better at improving stuff I guess.
So you'll see my grades go up, never going down.
Yeah let's work hard together, whatever way we're going to end.....
I miss you.
I remember myself saying this whenever I hear notification sounds but not knowing whether it has vibrated or not. "It's never gonna be him." Well guess what? I was right all the time! It's gonna be some random lame puns from the class, or... whatever else. And that's why, my phone is always on mute.
I can live without data. Seriously. It would save up so much of my time scrolling fb.
I actually have a test later. But fuck I'm damn moodless rn. Then I saw my phone fully charged. Unplugged and saw the whatsapp icon at the notification bar.
Definitely the group chat again.
Eh?
Him.
It was you, telling me to do a cute choice of yogurt test. I can't describe the smile I have rn.
:D
You're a very cute training buddy.
And yep I know you'd think I lied.
For now, my choice would be vanilla. And vanilla would taste nice with fruits. Being on a diet, I'm falling for strawberries. Even tho they're sour, but yummmmm.
Ily training buddy
Sometimes I think I'm too quiet. I always prefer sitting at the sides. I listen and look at the overall picture, but I'm not involved. Get me? I don't know. I'm antisocial for no fucking reason. And I'm mean. I'm getting mean.
Tbh it was influence. I think. We're used to insulting each other, and laughing at the meanest way it came out. Sometimes I'm just so cold I couldn't recognize myself. Never gonna speak to old friends the way I do now.
Today I was praised twice. I'm gonna laugh.
Nabi's wife, like I said, she'd be leaving soon. I accompanied her to the caf today. It was slightly awkward. I'm not used to, talking to someone that talks that much. Um. So I asked her bout the transfer, and told her most of my old schoolmates went to Sunway. Then I said i prefer starting new, like how my year went cuz I used to be afraid to speak English, I sucked, and here I can speak however badly I want and I don't care.
She said she thinks it's fluent.
Surprised, and thankful. Blogging practices my English, I guess. It's the only few times I get to write and phrase stuff. I know, I kinda neglected the grammar here, but at least I'm not losing touch with the language.
Next, Obvious called me a legend today. It was funny. He talks to me like I was his life savior just because I drew his kungfu panda for him, and gave him my only rubber band I had. Well, art and craft started. I'm gonna say it's an extreme stress relieving subject, something I might be good at, but there's no use being good at...
Everyone has their talent. And mine shouldn't be on useless stuff.
I'll fall for what I do, and get better at them.
If there's a possibility you see how she's like, and thought "She didn't used to be like that," remember, you were the one that told her to change.
She stucked to her preference all the time. You told her, you have to change sometimes.
You never know, she might changed and thought, being the old her feels much better.
And she misses herself that way.
"Hey Chin, look look look hot guy!"
That's something Sam would rather say to a guy.
Why do you show him pictures of white guys but not me?
Because you're still too hung up on your ex.
Uh huh. She's right. I can picture myself letting one or two opportunities slipping off, like how I already did, "See first" to movie invitations.
But I'm fucking sure this is what I want. At least I know how guys are like. No matter how awesome the situation is, they will never stay.
Sticking to that concept, I better say See first to All of them, if they ask. Ahahah.
Nabi's wife is leaving. I don't know, I'm feelingless. We weren't too close, so I don't know. But she was really nice, and crazy to talk to. We'd plan a farewell, and she said she'll cry and be sad for about a week.
Then they talked about how they usually get sad, like Sam said she had been sad for the first three months here in college, missing old friends.
I guess I'm too used to that?
My best friends never stayed with me long. I mean. The friendship maybe remains, but it'll have distance, slowly drifting us apart. They're all gone, like I said. I'm immune.
You ask me, will I cry if my friends are leaving, going to somewhere far. I'd say no. I'm okay with that. Go, and we'll keep in touch.
Maybe that fucked up moments only happens with breaking up.
Because that shit lasted for half a year, more.
And once is enough.
See first ba.
I'll be single forever, and I'm better like that.
When you think it's over, when you think you're finally okay, nah. Being fine for five minutes doesn't make you fine. I guess breaking up is like that.
One day you wake up and say, I'm single, I'm carefree, I'm happy. Then you end up crying before the day ends.
The cycle repeats, few times each month, maybe few times each week. Sometimes, you wanna punch the wall and shout and scold. Sometimes you wanna suicide. But then you held yourself back and say, nah. Don't hurt yourself anymore, cuz you accepted it.
Then the next day you could still laugh with your classmates' stupid puns, act like nothing happened, make pools of sweat and go on studying hard, having a super high aim, begin doubting yourself whether you can or not...
The cycle repeats itself. You make yourself hate the guy, you force yourself to stop thinking bout him, and sleep, screw up some tests, maybe score some so well!
And then you cry again.
And again.
And think about starting stuff that might risk your life, hoping you'd accidentally die.
Well, that's my life.
I drive myself crazy. I believe I will not let anyone in anymore.
Ahhh I should do something.
Im worried.
Hoodie asked me out for a horror movie. I remember him saying he doesn't watch horror cuz he's scared. Then he said, he'll be okay if I'm with him.
He's the most innocent/kindest/purest guy among everyone I've known. Usually, I'm mean. But how do you expect me to be mean if you're that kind? I wanna be mean. Because being mean is being real. I hate people. I hate all of you.
See first, is my answer. And by that I mean No thank you.
If you're gentleman, Yes go on, help all you want.
But tell you what. You can find as many pickup lines you want, and I'll make it awkward. I'll be quiet. That's for your own good, I'm not gonna be mean to you, but I will not talk to you.
Do you know that my head is full of my ex? Every single time my friends asked me out for movie, I hesitate for a long long time, because I thought he might want it. I shall just wait, maybe he's free this weekend. I'm waiting for a guy that won't possibly think of me any time. I'm waiting for him even tho I know he won't do that. But you know what!? I want to wait for him. Forever is okay too. I don't want myself into anyone anymore. I rather love him to death and until death than tasting that pain until I found the one. I don't even wanna find the one anymore!
Just let me wait for him. See first, means no, go away. Means I don't want close relationship. If you want to ask me out, ask the others too. Ask them all and maybe I'll think about it.
Again, my head is full of him. I'm always waiting for weekends. I'm always waiting for him to turn over and say, let's hug.
No priority is just bullshit.
He's always priority. I don't wanna love anyone else, wood. It just sucks. Everything sucks. Fuck you for making me like this. Really, fuck you. But I love you.
I wish time passes quickly, so it's bearable.
I never knew how are all bikes different. Being at the newbie stage, it's cool to find out new things, getting to know about the blue big bike. Before I think of cycling, it has been there for so many years, and it's only been used for maybe ten times a year.
You can imagine the rusty, dusty and old look. Poor thing. That's why I spent so much effort to clean it up. I don't have a car rn. But I guess when I do, I'm gonna take care of it like how I take care of the bike. Wood I finally understand you a little now, bout why did you always only look out for managing car stuff when we were out. Must be thinking, you wanna make it always new and pretty. Hmm do you polish the car the same way you polish a bike? I needa learn that shit.
So today I discovered how to change gear. Lol. Last week, one of the rides were cancelled because I accidentally changed gear without cycling and I didn't know what I did! So just now dad told me what to do if you wanna change gear.
I still spent some time getting on and off the bike. It's so big. The falls I imagine are sooooo bloody and nasty. Ugh. I don't wanna fall. I think at the end of the year, I'm gonna have more of these scars.... getting on and off the bike is haaard when the bike is huge. But it's necessary to make the saddle that high, because biking proffs said knee slightly bent when down stroke. So yep, when you're standing, your butt will definitely not be able to be on the saddle. So what you gotta do is you put one foot on the pedal, slightly prepare the butt for seating, then paddle and move butt! When there is enough momentum, you don't have to worry bout balancing. But still if you want me to do that on the road with full of cars, I can't, yet.
How do you change gears? There are places I hang the house keys. From google they call it gear shifter/lever. My family said you can't change gear when you're not on the bike. So okay, I used the big space at the end of the housing area, where used to be our spot before he put me back home. It's a dead end, so I don't have to worry bout cars wanting to kill me.
Okay from watches and clocks, gears have teeth, and the trough part of a bigger one connects to the teeth of the smaller one. But for a bike, we have a nice strong chain and many gears stacking together. So if you needa change gear, you gotta move the chain to the next. I didn't know this is possible. From what i imagined, it'll turn loose or misalign, then we fall. But nah I think too much. When I switched a gear, I'll hear chains crashing sounds. That's when the chain shifts. So after you paddle abit, you'll help getting the chain to connect with the gears perfectly. It's so cool!
I'm gonna investigate more. Maybe next time I'll cycle using the small gears, so I can paddle more but the speed will not get too fast. Maybe cycling can be in my list too then, it's a cardio activity anyway. :3
I can't believe what I'm doing.
Scrolling fb, looking at photos, looking at posts, then proceeding to your profile, talking to you and scolding you at the same time. Like you give any shit?
Guess what! I found my calculator, lost my favorite earrings, and ate chocolates. Fuck my life. Practical in chem got slightly better. I now realize how important qualitative analysis is. Wish I memorized well during spm so now I don't have to refer it like this.
All is nott well. Nothing made sense. Everyone was mean. Everyone. Except the people on the streets. I didn't get horned anymore. Maybe I got better in driving? Maybe. Maybe I'm more daring now. Yeah, not a single horn this week.
You wanna know what's worst? Lunch like that. The malay dude got me rice, I said, no, pinggan je, and picked 4/5 vege, and a bit of meat. Zhap fan uncle asked, don't I eat rice? So I said, no I do eat, but now trying to lose fats.
"What fats do you have to lose?" Lol thank you, zhap fan uncle. But you know what? I don't care. We have to always aim high right? Once you think it's enough, will you still work hard?
If A is not enough, you work harder for an A*. If A* is not enough, you work for a 100 mark. I'm not enough.
Good newsss, btw.
Dad said he wants to buy workout equipments. That's good! I can return the coins to my sister I guess.
These days I have so many new goals I'm thirsty to start tomorrows. That's why I said working out helps with the negativity.
Honestly. I should get off fb.
The main reason is, I see something funny, cute, or whatever and I couldn't share it to someone. I think of some people, but what's the point? They don't care anymore! Get me!?
No point.
I think a day without making pools of sweat are driving me crazy. I need daily flushing of sad hormones to keep the negativity out.
You said she has depressions, right? Tell her to get her ass to workout and make pools of sweat. I think that works.
At least it works for me. Look at me right now. Like a fucking piece of shit.
Exercising is the only thing that gives me energy right now. Because it doesn't matter how much you do, if you do, you will see improvements. And that tells you, you're not a person that can't achieve anything. And by that, I could do other things. Make sense?
Fuck everyone
Target: one day, I wanna look at fb, and think that it's the most awesome thing I've seen in awhile, but my mind will be empty. Because NO one is priority. Trust me, you rather be antisocial and heartless than.. this.
Nah. I was wrong. I don't have anyone at all. Hahaha.
When primary school ended, I lost a group of friends, who weren't exactly friends at all. Time passes, I lost mutton. When I was with you I lost seaweed, one friend that I used to speak to when I was sad, one friend that used to give shit. Then distance drifted lychee and pineapple away. Then life took you away. I thought I was left with ip man.
I'm not making actual true friends. Always thought college peeps weren't gonna be real.
Think about it.
Who else do I have ?
I have myself. And some books, a laptop, a bike, my bed.
So if something bad happens, think about it all day. Don't have to tell anyone, because who cares!?
For how long it's been that way, is it still surprising?
Cuz I don't need anyone.
People are fake. They come and go. Friends with benefits has a meaning. Why I couldn't get that close to the classmates like how it used to be?
Because they go. Remember that they go.
I have nothing to lose rn.
Accept the fact, no one will be there for you even when you're laughing at yourself and crying at the same time. No one would give shit, no one would want you happy, cuz it's all fake.
No one out there is real, and I accept that.
Today's test was okay. I was always terrible at combinations and permutations, ugh statistics. But others were okay, some work could really make difference.
Then bio practical was fucking okay too! Because of past failing experience(short of time), I paid lots of attention in rushing. Rushed all the way! And at the end, there was actually enough time. I think it's the mind that's important. At the beginning, we should just concentrate on the question but not what to prepare. As in, pay attention to what are we trying to find out, not how are we trying to find out before even figuring out the aim. Ahaha. My bad.
Then the investigating slides part are slightly improving. At least I know what I'm seeing, and I know what the question wants, unlike previously. *that's the fucking xylem? Holyshit.*
Sunday's another recital. My sister's telling me to play violin. Wtf. My standard, in front of a crowd, are you fucking kidding meee??? I don't even know the song. Ugh. Ugh.
I'll practice. From now on, I'll increase. I know I've been focusing on losing fats and studies. I've totally neglected music. My bad. I feel bad. Maybe from now on I aim to practice at least once or twice a week, maybe weekends. I'll practice. That's discipline, I'll train that. I promised working out daily, and it happened. I've promised improving studies, it happened too. I promise to practice music.
Sometimes, I'm not sad anymore, cuz I didn't let myself. Even tho, everytime I blog, I pretend that I'm telling you. But I know you never cared. It's okay, let me drown in my own imaginations, thinking that you care. Just let me die like this. Don't wake me up, don't bother me. Don't tell me that you have a new she to love, don't tell me how in love you are. Let me continue this stupid abuse. I miss you, but shook it off with words from a book in front of me. I miss you, but think of what I'm gonna do later. I miss you, but I make myself focus, focus on the sets that are remaining. I'm not sad anymore because I didn't have the time to. I'm way too busy why would I have the time being sad. It's not possible anymore I know. I'm not hoping. I'm not sad. I'm nothing. You're never coming back I know. You're gone, never seeing this, never giving shit. So why would you care if I died on the road.
Uh huh. I'm planning to die like that. But I honestly hope I die next year. At least let me finish college. I like the stressful life. Making myself tired as fuck. I like not thinking of you and forget that I'm actually sad. I like being free but making myself busy. I like the class competition making me feel stupid that I work harder and harder.
One day, I would not have time to blog anymore. Ahahha.
One day, if I die on the road, I hope I've achieved that body goal. I hope I succeeded doing at least five chin ups in a row. I hope I can finally do 100% accurate push ups. And maybe few minutes plank. I hope my chemistry could get an A.
I think that's all.
Thank you personal trainer's tutor! Hehe. I'm doing it right, now. At least my both arms are sore. :3
Okay. These days, there are new stuff going on, new time table starting. It's a freaking stupid arrangement, I'm thinking of cycling to college sometimes. So today I started, and I almost fell as I got on the bike lol. It's been too long since the last time I cycled. I even had trouble closing the gate. However, I got better after few rounds. It's not too hard to control, actually.
Back to the class! We have new classes right now, two are merging with the March intake peeps. I've heard about how the class is full of girls, but once I've seen them, wow. I think us Jan intakes are like a bunch of kawai potato. Maybe that's what it's about, girls dressing up to look better than other girls. However, nah I'm not gonna change my plan. I'll stay plain and boring. Advantage: stalker has no interest in us anymore!
To girls: If you don't want attention, you make yourself as ugly as you can. That's gonna keep you safe!
From now onwards, Quality not quantity. Cut down useless ones, start effective ones, focus on muscle parts. I'll always remember that. Stop when I'm done, not when I'm tired, only stop when the shuttle hits the floor.
I'll always, always remember that.
I'm full of shit.
Actually, today is an okay day. He said he has a gf but he's DEFINITELY lying. Looking at how he acted could confirm that. If you have gf don't squish my face, if you have gf you don't touch me, you don't simply whack me or tickle me, you shouldn't look that good you should make yourself uglier (that wouldn't work at all anyway).. he was a daaamn boss. I don't know what to say, the pressure he gave was over level 100000, and yeah I hated it, very very much. One does not do that during matches. He did it anyways, maybe because I told him to please make me hate him.
But it wasn't his fault I was dumb and dreamy all the time. I couldn't help it, I mean. How do you make yourself 100% alert? I can't! I just wander no matter how much I tried not to. Sorry. Yeah just wake me up with your harsh tone. He's just coaching. He wants me to improve, what's wrong with that? Nothing, exactly.
So last week he was my workout friend, and this week, my personal trainer! :3 I know I'm doing things wrong, that's why I randomly asks. How do you do a 100% perfect push up? How about squat, how about bench dip? How about .......
Hehehe. He's a fucking handsome personal trainer.
However, you failed making me hate you, again. But I will fucking improve, then make you less grumpy. :3 whatever I do, I might be doing wrongly, but I guess running can't go wrong? Fuck my calves are getting uglier. Once it gets too ugly, I will stop running.
Oh and my therapist too? Heh I know I'm full of problems, all around me. Left ankle feeling unwell during runs or lands or etc. But the pain is only occasionally there. There's definitely something wrong with my back. And he said my knee cap is shifting. Alright, maybe that's why some people say my legs look abnormal. (My violin teacher, insisting that if I keep on trying to lose weight I'm gonna ruin my health lol) And my fist. My last punch hasn't heal yet lmao. Yes I regret. I'll hit my pillow next time. Or just cry and sleep. Then last is stomach. Not the region, specifically stomach. I think I had gastric twice today. Just weird. I didn't skip too many meals. I only skip when I had too much of cheat meals, or weight gaining food. But I think I'm controlling well, so no, I'm not skipping. Maybe I'm just dying soon as I wish. :3
Dying is soooo much easier.
Anyway thankyou wood who was my coach, personal trainer, therapist and adorable friend! Ah he's still so adorable. How can I ever let go? Hah. Dying.
Immmm soooooo screewwwed.
Good news or bad news first?
My chemistry, overall improved! Much better than highschool chemistry results! (Hehehehehe) but! A levels we have practical, *cries* my practical is a damn big problem. Finally realized how important qualitative analysis is this important... I struggle completing the tests in time, I struggle thinking of what to do for the tests. Fuck. I'm not very sure how the percentage ratio practical takes, but it's a big part of overall, soooo I'm fucking screwed!
Uh my running went down again. Sorry. I think it's because I skipped lunch. I was hungry I couldn't run more hehehehehe.
Alrighttt let's do this shit.
Conclusion,,
Studying does work. I thought whatever I do doesn't make any difference. I thought people study and improve but I study and waste that time. No, I improve too. Heh just too damn slow. But tbh Yeah I should be moreee hardworking.
:) I'll improve. I fucking will.
Let me take them back. Streak aren't continuing because I have some tests. Nah it's ok I'll have enough punishments anyway. I'll punish myself like crazy.
Let's look positively. Yeah maybe, so far my instruments aren't going well. But I'll fix that when I'm free, I swear. Studies, from previous test and current test, it's twelve questions improved. Twelve questions like that could easily rise two grades, that's improvement I guess. I wanna thank Jaclyn. She's always giving pressure, and using the most unobvious ways to make me improve. Maybe I just need that harsh push. The rest, all isss lazy.
Toning aren't failing too. Overall, whatever I did, the stuff that I'm improving are chem and toning. Possibly, bio too. (Tbh I'm studying bio more than chem so....... heh)
It's what you did in the dark that puts you in the light. Joker says I'm boasting. Hey! You asked my results.
I think I should introduce my classmates.
We have Joker, Fish(or captain hopeless), little orange, sam, nabi's wife, class rep, stalker, hoodie, and some others I don't know what to name yet. So far, the top students are little orange and stalker. How do you fucking get 38/40? She said, memorize the pass years. Joker thought I did pass year papers. But I didn't, I just hog my bed and study my tiny notes. Uh huh. They say you gotta understand to master the subject. I'm understanding chem, I swear. But sometimes I don't. Why does group2 hydroxides' solubility increase down the group? Would appreciate if textbook explains those little things.
Top for math would be Obvious and stalker. I see stalker as a transparent shit. So let's ignore him. Obvious is a very unintentionally humorous person, unlike Joker who claims himself Joker. Whatever. I don't get these guys. Like how do they math without writing down the working??
Come on yh. You can math. One day, just fucking one day, you will improve. It's not friendly match there. It's gonna kill if you fail behind.
Fml
I don't want him anymore. I was waiting but I'm stopping rn. He was just someone that used to be in a long dream. And now I'm awake. Alright?
He was never real. Whatever we've been through were just imaginations. It's done. Forget it. Let go. Please fucking let go or how are you going to live!?
You don't wanna be sad anymore. You don't wanna sit there and just break down suddenly, without anyone doing anything. You don't wanna have suicidal thoughts anymore. You don't wanna be an emotional bitch anymore.
You just wanna smile like there's nothing to worry about.
How can someone treat some like everything then suddenly just throw her to hell like nothing happened
Honestly, stop.
He saw. I shared a lasagna video and he tagged his friends in it. He never tagged me in anything anymore. Guess that's it, huh? So that's it. He's seeing things, but not remembering my existence anymore. He's not including me in his life anymore. He didn't even talk to me randomly. He's letting go for sure. He's not just letting go, he's giving up. Fucking obviously it's fucking over now. Get me? He's officially my 0% bf, my 1000% ex. Right. Get away from the crowd, get away from people.
I think I'm back to that phase I've been tru a year ago, just worse.
My studies aren't in an ok state, instruments, I feel like quitting ALL of them. Really. Daily exercise, should I quit??? Should I??? The diet plan lasted this long, hasn't even reached 50 days. I'm slightly toned but close to almost nothing. I'm failing, in every single part of life. I'm just breathing pointless in this world. I'm fucking pointless. Not doing well in ANYTHING, getting dumped by him, and still wanting him back but he's treating me like I'm just a piece of shit that's better not existed. I'm better not being borned. Why am I even in this world?
Maybe I should stop All workout until my studies clearly shows improvement. Maybe I should quit all instruments too since Im just wasting money and not improving them too. Fuck my life. Maybe I should just quit life and stop wasting resources in this fucking world!
TELL ME, a reason to live.
From now on I'll do whatever I could to fix studies. Whatever I could. And I'll temporarily forget his existence. He must NOT affect me anymore, all this has to stop.
Yeah stop being sad about losing him ending up sitting there grieving all day screwing up studies. Stop letting emotions fuck up studies. Fuck everything.
Three years! You fucking said three years, it's two and a half to go, I can wait, can you? I want us be friends, you said yes but we. are definitely not friends. You said we'd really be over if shits happened again but suddenly we're just over. You said you'd give us a chance but five minutes later it never happened! What is wrong!?
Yeah, blame me! Everything, absolutely everything is my fault! My fault for existing, my fault for STARTING BADMINTON. I shouldn't have started. I shouldn't involve myself in YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE. I shouldn't at all, know the presence of you!!! My fault for saying I'm yours. My fault for expecting you to be my first and my last. My fault for letting you in all the time.
And now you just leave like that! You just leave!
I'm gonna hate you. I will make myself hate you no matter what happens, ONE DAY, you will be SURPRISED, looking at how well I lived. You will open up your eyes to see a new me, which you'll never ever know. I'll fucking hate you and you have no reason to LOOK DOWN on me.
I should say, I'm used to being ignored. I turned off read receipts to let myself let go. As in, stop giving shit bout when is he gonna seen the message, or whether he read or not. Stop giving shit. Even tho I text and really feel like turning on just for awhile, NO. Fuck.
I'm used to it so nevermind. Please get use to it. Honestly wish the white bitch killed me. As in, really killed me. Or the browny. Why did you approached me but did not attack!? Can't you see I'm sick of living?
Six months, still, I feel like he broke up with me five mins ago, or daily. How do you live with this kind of shits? Seriously!
Let it end
To be honest, I'm as heavy as twenty days ago, but I'm not sure if those are fats that I've gained. Something's telling me, I'm just maintaining. Dieting doesn't aren't working, as there are birthdays and mother's day, these celebrations make me eat.
Recently I put on the black shorts I used to wear so often. (Yeah, I don't wear them anymore.) And I'm fucking happy, cuz I couldn't wear it being that loose.
But tbh it was already loose, but not up the point that it could easily be pulled off by gravity with a phone in the picket.
:3
One day, I'll reach my target. 10km before the end of the year. I'll fucking regain back the stamina I used to have.
Bruises and wounds, they're getting stronger. Each time I punch the wall, I break some shit inside, swell up the knuckle. Each time, it heals faster and faster. (Although I promised myself no more wall punching!) I want my fist stronger. Google says, do dumbbell punches, knuckle push ups. That conditioned bruising made left fist seems so much weaker. It doesn't seem right whatever position I put. Maybe I should punch the wall using left hand now lol.
I read a confession. Someone used to say, if you're depressed, run. Run and flush out that sad hormones, think about them sad stuff and forget them. When I run, I'm bored, so I do flash back a lot. Memories, him, etc etc. But then I run, and thought, I'll just run after him. I thought, I wanna live, so I have to keep running, I can't stop just because he left. It helps. On the treadmill, I look around. Look at the window, mmm the reflection of myself, ok I think my posture is right. Look at the trees, ok the wind's blewing this direction, oh wait it changed. Listen to the lyrics, this song is damn fucking sad, another chorus to go.
Hey. Cry all you want, then stop. Open your textbooks, eat donuts, talk to me, take a nap. The good news is, it'll pass. Punch the wall if you need to haha it helps. I even felt like going for kickboxing to release thar unhappiness. Try something new, workout. Aim something high and look at the results, be proud of yourself. Why would they leave someone like you? You did your best, so it's their problem they left. It's not your fault. People come and go, plus she's got brain problems. (Sorry) At the end, maybe the friendship remains? Just like him and I. He's still fucking adorable, and I'm not giving up.
Friends, what are they. After last year that day, I think I might have successfully convinced myself that no one in this world could be there for one another. Even if they could, they can't help. Maybe that's why I don't think anyone in college really knows me, and I don't know them too. It's weird. We sit together and just talk crap. No personal issues, just random little things. I feel like I'm in a battlefield. We're actually enemies but being put together in a container trying to stay in peace.
Relationships, friendships are supposed to enhance life isn't it? If it's the other way round, we're doing it wrong. I'm not making that barrier between my college mates. It just naturally went that way. Do not make homes out of humans. Humans are fucking volatile, they leave easily, they leave even when you love them with all your heart. I don't get them. Like why they do that?
So let it be. People are confusing. If she's meant to be in your life, she will be. Don't beg and let her destroy that pride, just distract yourself. Adapt and move on. (Fuck, don't tell me these) I know these will be fucking useless cuz I told myself those things a million times but I still have infinity restless nights because of him. But cheer up. Eat pizzas. It'll get better.
Eat! Look at the video I shared few days ago, suits you. Ok don't emo ._.
Alright I just returned from hell. I swear it's the last time I did that. Ok updates.
Practical was a disaster. Especially, chemistry. Sometimes I read the question and panic, just don't know what to do how to start. There's no exact procedure to follow, unlike bio. For bio there'll be full procedure, and some thinking. But chem, no. The question will be like ok there's solution FB4 and you gotta figure out what cations are present. And then... panic. That day we definitely screwed it up, not able to finish all the tests in time, ughhhhhhh I'm just so dead.
Math, that day I was off. Like I said I returned from hell, so..... I kinda... don't know what was happening during class. I know we were relearning differentiation and integration to find... smtg. I was damn off and thinking bout how to die. Forget it.
Alrighhtttt. Hell made me broke the streak again. Sorry, not sorry. Body's still in shape, cuz I didn't eat like a mad person(luckily). So yeah I skipped intense working out for few days, but did light ones only. Then Friday I got back on track. Feeling damn great making little tears to muscles hoho. Feel the burrrnnnn. Ok ignore me.
So training was okay. But I sucked during the few games. Ugh what was I doing. After training, as usual. I finished whatever sets and reps that I usually do, but couldn't plank more. Um. Like I usually do 90 secs straight but today I just did 60secs. Or,,,, side planks, dying in 60 secs instead of usual 70secs. Fucckk. Cuz my elbows were dying. It looks fucking ugly rn, rough, scarred and dead skin all over. It looks like I have some skin disease lol.
After all those, my dad told me that he'll be coming sooo late, so I did some new ones. Actually, old ones. During my old training, my old coaches used to like to make us do a buncj of physical training, like shadowing with racket, then footwork (moving shuttle corks to all around the court), and also jumping tubes. Those tubes are kinda tall. I wanted to add box jumping into my list but didn't have a proper place to start. Well I think jumping tubes is good enough? Fucking tiring. And there's smtg I can't do anymore. There was a pile of unwanted shuttles at the side, so I took some, to throw. Imagine standing at the end of the court, then throwing them one by one, over the net. I can't! Fuck. Used to be better at these. Tho there were few successful attempts... *cries*
He's still too cute to ignore. I can't turn away. I can't walk away. I only could stand there and attempt to pinch him heehe. Then stare at him acting to be mad. He's definitely not mad. :3 but still, being in the middle of a match, I would strongly appreciate if he would just let me think. With my own voice in my head. Ah. I'll do better if I practice more shadowing. I think? Gonna do that next time.
He told me to do the circular leg lifting with him. As in we sync the movements. It's so cool. :3 maybe I should add that to the list too.
I'm falling in love with that. Purely because we could do that together. I know I'll screw him up if I screwed up. But nah that won't happen if I do regularly right?? :3 cirrrrclleeeee.
All is well. I'm not craving food that badly these days. Maybe just abit but not so extreme. I used to think I will never be able to eat with a healthier & lower carb life because my grandma cooks oily& meaty all the time. But then, can't believe she changed when I changed. Before every meal, she would ask if I want rice. The answer definitely will be "No" but she asks anyway. Using greens to substitute rice sucks, but could be really filling too. Doesn't make sense right? Actually, it didn't start that way. I ate vege and meat, but was always unhappy and never satisfied. Maybe I conditioned that kind of appetite. Now a bowl of leafy greens can fill me up. It's the appetite. I'm easily full, now! (Yay)
Back from hell cuz he still cares. Sorry for the bad imaginations and extreme lowering expectations. I tried to convince myself to hate him but hahahaha never successful. He cares more than I do. I'm saying that cuz every Saturday, he'd say "Wait in the office" as goodbye. And that's good enough.
I'm sure I'll be going back to hell for that. b
"Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?”
Well… why are you?
No one’s holding your hand anymore. Yet how often do you hold yourself back from success? How often do you hurt your own chances at happiness?
It’s sad, but true—you may be the biggest bully you know. You may be your own worst enemy.
When you start martial arts training, it doesn’t take long to figure out how dangerous it is to bully yourself.
If you get hit and lose your confidence, you don’t hit back. So, you get hit again.If you get pinned and doubt yourself, you can’t escape. So, you get choked.If your plan of attack doesn’t work and you feel sorry for yourself or blame others, you lose your focus. So, you get dropped on your head.
The lesson is clear—losing your confidence, doubting your ability, feeling sorry for yourself, or blaming others willnever help you.
Instead, you must train yourself to keep thinking about what you CAN do, and how you CAN win.
No, I’m not saying that a positive attitude guarantees that you’re always going to win every fight. You might still lose—you might even die! But until that dire moment arrives, it’s up to you to keep fighting.
You are the only one who can stop you from moving forward. Which is why, until your last breath, you must believe you still have a chance and keep fighting.
There are no “sure things” in this world, but I can tell you one thing for sure—
The moment you give up, it’s impossible to win.
That’s why you have to keep fighting the battle instead of fighting yourself.
Take a moment to imagine you’re in a fight. The battle is one-on-one. But then you start doubting yourself…
I’m not strong enough! I’m not fast enough! I’m not good enough!
Now the fight is TWO-on-one. It’s the other guy plus your inner voice teaming up against you. Now you have to deal with TWO bullies.
You’re outnumbered. You can’t win.
The funny thing is, you would never allow anyone to talk to the people you love the way you talk to yourself. Imagine you heard someone tell someone you love—
“You can’t have this. You don’t deserve that.”
“You’re not smart enough. You’re not cool enough.”
“You’ll never write a book, start a business, or be great at anything.”
If someone spoke like that to someone you love, you’d tell them to shut up… or punch them in the face!
So, why do you speak to yourself that way?
Stop it.
Here’s what I want you to do…
I want you to make a promise to stop hitting yourself. Stop choking yourself out. Stop stabbing yourself in the back.
I want you to defend yourself from yourself.
The next time you hear your inner voice saying something hurtful or unkind, I want you to apologize to yourself.
Seriously. When you hear yourself talking trash about you, say, “Stop. I’m sorry.” Or punch yourself in the face!
Final thought…
No matter who you are, life is going to present you with a never-ending series of battles. It can feel like you’re all alone out there, which makes giving up easy to do.
But you are not alone.
Think of all the people who are on your side. Your family. Your friends. Your teachers.
Think of all the people you don’t even know who would agree with you and support you if they knew what you were fighting for.
Think of all the people throughout history who would stand by you and fight for your cause.
The fact is you have an army standing behind you.
Generations of families, friends, and like-minded souls who lived and died to put you where you are today.
Now, it’s your turn to do something. It’s your turn to win!
So, if you want to conquer the world, start by conquering the bully inside your head. Stop hitting yourself.
Then gather up your army and start marching towards your goals. And if you feel like giving up along the way, remember—
When you go into battle… when someone picks a fight with you… it’s never a fair fight. Because you don’t fight one-on-one… you fight a million-on-one.
Words from Ando Mierzwa.
他是唯一可以一直傷我 卻認為理所當然的人
當初答應當朋友
現在呢 什麼都硬不回答 關心是理所當然
關心得到 不只敷衍
關心得到 “去死”
我真的很想去死。
當你很想一個人快樂 你想關心他
他給你的是一次又一次的傷
那是他不會做人。
他愛你就不會放手 不會忍心 讓你痛
他愛你是假的 他不是真心的
認真就輸了 所以現在才會那麼痛苦。
從此以後別再認真了。
Why.do you care. He doesn't care about you. Let him be. Read or not, it doesn't matter! Let him be! He's the one to hurt you. Don't let him anymore. Don't let him know he has the power. Cry silently. He'll only be happier knowing how happy he already is, when you're dying right there.
Remember your aim? Count to ten, forget his existence.
If one has to reach a point where forgetting the existence makes them feel better, he's doing a terrible job at loving.
And it's his fault for giving up easily not you. You did your best, you know. Stop crying. He's an ass. He's not worth the tears. Stpp crying please. At least you know to believe no one.
He's an ass for hurting you. Even if one needs to stop commitment, if he loves you, he wouldn't do that to you. He should know how goddamn painful it is. BUT HE DID IT ANYWAYS HE BETRAYED YOU. STOP DOING ANYTHING FOR HOM FROM NOW ON YH. HE'S A FUCKTARD HE'S NOT WORTH ANYTHING AT ALL.
One day, just one day, I will kill myself. I'll die in a way that no one knows where I am. No one will care and no one will notice. That's how.
Pineapple, you lost the bet. He will never come back.
Me, I was dumb enough to give him the power to kill me. He's the worst person I've seen in the world. He's a liar. Betrayer. When you love someone, you don't. You don't do that to her. You don't let her go at her hardest time. She sticked with you even when you were an ass. What did you do. In return, you destroy her.
Thanks alot.
Really, thanks a lot.
When I first admired you, I didn't think you would do such a thing. I thought being your gf must be the most blessing thing that could ever happened. I was wrong.
You don't mind seeing me die just because I lost temper sometimes.
You disappoint me to death.
From now on, pretend he never existed. Pretend that you never had a first love like that. Count to ten, and you only could think of studies. It's the most important one now. If they ask, I don't remember him anymore.
He told me to let go. I don't want to. From now on I'm never updating my blog. It'll forever be just drafts.
I wanna tell someone. But I don't wanna talk to anyone. I wanna die. I wanna tell him. But he doesn't care.
lThis is the day I finally know how a person could just destroy someone like that.
I really really wish I could kill myself.
It's a day holiday because of labour day. I'm tidying my room. Throwing many many stuff, figuring ways to make everything nice.
And when it's all done, it's not done. I'm still fucking annoyed. Annoyed at the fact this is not what I wanted. This is not what I planned. What can't be fixed that has to be solved by getting rid of it? What can't be solved by making the situation okay, by staying strong and thinking solutions?
When they did mistakes. When your dog broke your vase twice, do you kill it? When your kids didn't do homework thrice, do you throw them to the orphanage? When your grandparents repeat the same thing a thousand times, do you put them to the old folks? When your man comes home drunk and shouting time to time because he was stress from work, do you divorce him? When your girl gets crazy from her killing cramps, do you break up with her?
When you hit your dog for breaking your vase, he will still love you unconditionally. When you cane your children, they might hate you for five minutes but they know you love them and they love you too. When your grandparents got an attitude from you, they forget, and still remind you to have your lunch, your dinner, and will never forget to feed you fat, to see you full. When he did that time to time, you know his pain and you swallow that pain he gave too, because you love him, and you know he loves you. But...... maybe you're wrong.
Don't everyone make mistakes?
This is not what I planned.
She knows your stress won't end. She's ready to adapt and let that go, because she knows you didn't mean to get drunk and be mean. She knows you're her everything and she's willing to, tolerate whenever you get drunk. But there are times that she is drunk, sad, and painful. She needs you to be sober to forgive her, and go through that shit with her. She needs you to hug her tight and support her, not divorce her. Even after you divorced her, she'd be waiting for you to reach her.
She'd be sad and drunk and dying, daily, all the time. She regrets for being drunk at that time. She regrets of being drunk she's doing almost everything and anything that could prevent herself from being drunk in the future. She's doing everything. And she doesn't know where you are. She misses you, your touch, your voice, your arms. She misses your everything. She wants you back.
She wants to fix all this shit. She wants to die. She's tired. She's scared, that a mistake like that caused you to let go of her completely. She's scared she can't make it forever. She doesn't know what to do.
It's like hell.
She knows you were tired and stressed, and still are now, and will be too in the future. She'll always be waiting for the day you be okay. She'll be waiting and in that period she'll die so many times, but it's okay. Because she'll adapt and get better when waiting. But you have to remember that she's still waiting.
A day felt like years. I'm immune to death.
I think I pulled something in my left ankle. Funny how I still went mountain climbing and managed to survive.
Recently I found a way to substitute dumbbell. See I don't have dumbbells at my place. But thenn my sister agreed to combine coins. So yeah. Coins are fucking heavy. At least more effective than water. I've got at least 4kg of those now. To get my left arm balance with my right, I think I can use that.
I know 4kg is not thaaat challenging to many peeps. But it's hell to my left arm. (Maybe right too)
:3 cheers.
Very happy that I recorded you braiding my hair. I heard a song and I missed you badly. I don't usually play those videos. I know I'd cry everytime I did.
But that's the last one, that I could hear you talk. I miss those times. So fucking much. I regret not doing whatever I had to to make you stay at that time. So fucking much it hurts.
You're still my first priority. And do you know that? Do you know whatever I went tru and have to still continue living in what state, do you know ??
He'll never know.
Alright enough. Cry all you want. Bite your towels. Nothing will change. He won't come back. Even if you don't wanna accept that shit, you're just killing yourself and he doesn't care. He won't come back stop being sad.
Fuck my life. Fuck emotions. Fuck memories.
Whenever I go to the park, I look left and right. I want to live. I wanna live to make things right. Yeah. That's why I'm still here. That's the reason I didn't do that.
