.

Focus. Even if shits happened and bothered you, focus on studies. Stop giving shit. He doesn't give shit so you don't too. Remember what happened the last time you give shit. A year of daily fucked ups. That wasn't an easy year. Don't repeat shits. Please.

You wait. Until when?? When you wait, and he knew, you'd wait until you die, and he'd not say anything. He'll appear when he finally sees you giving up, then desperately want you back.

You wait, until you give up.
Everyone cares when it's too late.

You know what happens during that waiting period? The mind speaks. I swear I won't give anymore shit. I swear, I will focus on my life and stop thinking bout what went wrong and what I'd have to fix but couldn't. I swear I will stop caring about anything and anyone once I've given up on him. I swear, I won't fall for anyone anymore. I swear, I will not give anyone else the power to destroy me like how I gave him.

I swear, when this ends, there will be no more.
Ok? Yh. Don't let anyone do that to you. Don't kill your pride for someone like that. Don't kill your pride for ANYONE.

The waiting period does all the change for me. It's like. A kind of way I adapt better. It's like evolving to a stronger creature. The survival of the fittest. I need to survive. Live or not, I need to survive. Don't expect me to evolve backwards. Don't expect me to just let shits kill me again and again, and not change me. Don't expect me to change back.

I know, I'm still like shit. When wood and I were together, every argument we had, I'd think, this is not good. This is not good. We've been together for how long, and look how extreme we fought. It's unhealthy, but... Maybe we can overcome that. Yeah we definitely can.

Well it's not the same anymore, ok? I don't have those positive maybe's. I have, "maybe you'll give up, and that's okay." It's not the same anymore.

This is my way, my way I survive.

We're not even together, and look how hard it is to communicate. Don't you think? Look at how hopeless I am. Accept it, and move on. You couldn't be with me. I couldn't be with you. My mind doesn't want you. It doesn't want anyone. Your existence won't change the way I think, it won't change how hopeless I am towards life. So don't like me. Don't like a dead person who loves to be on her own. I'm wonderful being alone, and I love it more and more each day. You can't change that. I can't change that. It's what I love. What can I do? It's how I adapt.

I hate bringing shits overnight. This means I couldn't be with you, since we can't settle things on that day. I can't possibly be with you, at all. It drives me mad. It kills me mind. It forces me to adapt and adapt. In other words, it makes me want to be alone more and more. It makes me swear not to fall for these traps even more. Do you get it?

Give up on me. Save me, can't you?

.

Wood used to read my whatsapp statuses so often, so so often because I changed it often.

Sometimes I put a fullstop, wood would think I'd want to end the relationship with him. Dummy. Why would I wanna end that?? Hah.

I used to put a line in front of each status.

"I<3cjw"
Let's say I'm gonna put "the carrots are cooked"
I'd put "I<3cjw the carrots are cooked"

Now I can't even see his status.

I loved to be with someone. With him. I used to love being in a relationship. I used to love everything I did, we did together. I loved being always full of hope. I remember when my old part time art teacher, dart told me, that it wouldn't last. And I didn't believe him! I said, I insisted, he was different. He's not like other boys. He's serious in this. I'm serious too. Then we had a bet. He said he'd throw a party up to 1k, for me if we're still together after ten years.

He won. Haha. He won. I used to think a lot of things differently. I don't see a problem with me not believing fairytales. I don't find anything wrong for loving to be alone right now. That flame died, okay?? It died long ago after I decided to really give up on him. It died along with the hope of me and him that would still stand strong together. I have no hope. Okay?? 

It was so hard. To live like that. Why, is it my fault for hating how shits went? I'd prevent shits! For anything! I don't have hope anymore, and you can't do anything about it. I cant do anything about it. Okay??

No matter what happens. You can try to come into my life. I'd push everyone back out. I thought I can let you in. But can I? Day by day. Is it getting better? The voices, what happened to the voices? They dont even need to be loud to make me do things. I'd do what I have to, and that includes staying alone.

I need to be alone. I hate being insecured. I hate knowing the fact that anyone could just say this then change in five minutes ffs. I don't like anyone. No, I like you. But it's just not there. Not the kind.

I don't think that kind would even happen anymore. Do you understand me? It's not you. It's me. If you have a problem with that, leave. Let the shits flow? What, flow thru my head, repeatedly, again and again? Maybe you can do that. But I can't.

Suddenly I realized why. Why wood wouldn't let me go to sleep being upset. He wouldn't let me, because he knew. He knew how fucked up my head was even when I wasn't this fucked up like right now. 

Whatever. He's gone.

Okay? He's gone. Yh, he's gone.

There's no point realizing things, recalling bout things. He's toxic.

Sometimes I'd like to say, he fucking killed the flame! Then... It's not his fault. I was hard to be with, still am. I'm a piece of shit. So duh of course he'd get fed up handling my shit. He didn't kill the flame.

I did.

If you think you can go back to living a normal life after completely pushing him away, you're totally wrong. It would seem fine. Everthing seemed fine. But can you deny? The facts. Even if he doesn't show up in my notification bars. Even if he just lives far away there, without us trying to cross paths with each other. You can't deny.

Facts are: You still care so much it eats you up.

Let's say what's happening. Nothing! Totally, nothing. I'm living my life. I'm stressing out for exams like I should, I am playing badminton frequently and crazy like I always do. I am eating a lot a lot, and still worrying bout my weight like I always am. I'm listening to sentimental music whenever my ears are free like I use to.

Did we pop up to disrupt each other's lives? Nope. He's been good. Cuz he's probably very stressed for studies too. I still do check him out tru sc. I still do check everyone out, especially those who got into trouble in my stupid ass nightmares. We're all good. I'm good. Sometimes his snaps seems sad. His insta is probably very sad. It's like he uses insta, while I blog. We don't ever see each other being sad. Hahhahh. It's great anyway. At least he has somewhere he can spam as he likes, like what I'm doing. Right now.

Since we don't cross paths, what's wrong? I don't know? What's wrong?? I just missed him.

"Let's talk about your shits."
"How would you know that I have shits?"
"I always knew, but I kept quiet because there's always other peeps."

Am I showing? I thought I was doing good. But you don't think I was looking fine? What??? I just missed him. That's all. It's a lie. Him not showing up doesn't make me let go more. It makes me, away from shits that I don't wanna face. It doesn't change the fact that I care. It pops out when I drink. It pops out when I listen to music like this, lyrics like this. It haunts me. It's not letting me go.

He scares me so freaking much, because of the things I'd do for him.
So I decided to make him leave.
I think I succeeded, but. Am I happy ?


Yh would you rather be the miserable shit two years ago that finds excuses for him from time to time just to make yourself feel better? Would you tolerate the way he treated you, the way he allowed you to die on your own, then convince yourself that he didn't mean to?

Or be free, free and wild, away from that addiction that definitely kills you, without concerns? Without that kind of worries?

Love is a choice. Even when a bad choice was made, we don't back off from it, right? We do everything we could, until there was so hope. It's like an addiction of self harming that we did so so willingly. So willingly. I chose him. Yeah sure. Life told me that it was time to let go, but. How?

How exactly??

"I want you as my first, and my last."
"I would love you forever and ever, til death do us apart."

It doesn't matter anymore. Those are words. Words don't last.

Wood didn't talk to me for some time. But thoughts of him still pops up. Any time, any sec. Very funny huh? Hahah. I would wish that I'd hit my head, and lose my memories.

Efforts can't make you forget. You can't possibly forget stuff. But can efforts help with letting go?

.

I noticed, people don't usually notice when I'm all fucked up inside. Haha. Why?

On the dining table, when we're trying to have a nice conversation. Suddenly, mom got sensitive over some wrong topics. What do I do? I'd be changing the topic, louder and an entertaining one. It doesn't always work, but it worked most of the times. Then dad and sis would smile to me, cuz they know my motives.

Well sometimes I don't work that way. Sometimes when I got affected too, hah. So dead. I killed the situation more than how it was originally screwed. I think I'm probably evil. Or idk, idk. I'm such a bad kid I told moon to bring me out of the house. Running away wasn't always bad. Sometimes they need time away from me, this me full of negativity. Sometimes I need time away from people to chill and find that me again, so I could return and fix things.

Well sometimes, they trigger me. Before I could say anything mean and stupid, I'd have to leave the table. "H, answer my question." It doesn't matter anymore, mom. Since it's cancelled.

Tomorrow there's a mcd near the kfc we're going right? Can I get mcflurry?
Sure.

Full of rage. I swear I was counting, please don't lose it. Please don't lose it. My friends deserve better impression from my parents. So I have to be a good kid. Disappointed, but don't show it. Leave.

I succeeded changing the topic. Hah. It seems like I'm probably ok to cancel a plan I've longed for. I'm fucking happy to cancel it, dad! Hah. Thanks for approving then disapproving. I'm definitely so happy to tell them.

Change a topic, put smile emojis and they'd think you're fucking fine.

I love the fact how easy it is to do this shit.

The best one was still, laughing over the phone. Literally, in tears.

Look. I called, to let you know that I'm okay.
And you believed, so thank you.

Fake it till you make it. They pretend that everything is ok until everything is eventually ok. Or... Is that so???

It's cool how we can literally burst out tears, but sound completely fine, and even laugh! Laugh. That day, wow. It's cool how we can pretend and pretend, and pretend, but someone would notice. They'd keep it inside, to coordinate with your act. Another day when you're better, they'd try to talk about it.

The best people in life.

ET's clover

Idk why. I just suddenly thought of the girl ET brought. I think we click, despite our freaking huge age gap. She's like nine years older than me, but still looks young anyway, and acted young. It's like hey we can have a nice convo when the guys go crazy on their own. Ah she's nice.

Firstly ET brought her to three of our birthdays on that day. She went toilet with me a couple times. I HAVE SMALL BLADDER. Not my fault. I swear. I swear I could've went alone survived, but ok, thanks anyway.

Then he brought her to one of our badminton meets. We stroked, of course, I was super soft. It's cool what she works. Sounds fun actually. Then her free time was so different from others. Working people are usually free at night, but she works at night. Awesome. Day time stuff are much cheaper anyway. (I'm obviously talking bout badminton court money hahah)

And she did wall sit when she wasn't playing. We were probably gym buds in the past life hahahahahaha. That winning attitude. Yuppppp. You go girl.

There's one same thought we share. Hahahahaha. She has a helix too on the left ear. There I know she has strict parents lol stricter than mine. She has a mom who doesn't like tattoos, yet she has two!

"My mom doesn't like me doing tattoos, so I did them before I told them."
"Well mine doesn't care I guess...."
"Then why not get tats?"
"When I did it, I would want more, and more. "
"Exactly."

That's what wood used to do to me, hah, and piercings, and lots of other stuff I shouldn't be doing(we all know what I'm saying). That's why they're dangerous.

Ok I'm just random. Back to studies.

Going wild

I'd like to think they all are very nice people. As in, ET and loong. Extreme jokes aside, they didn't mean all that, and they're actually flexible. Potential bros for life. One of the reasons I'd like to stay in this country.

I'm craving things again. Yeah. Terrible me. What can I do? Sometimes, I think, I'm almost done with studies. I just need to go through a couple times, and I can get ok results. Exclude math, of course. One of the reasons I allowed myself to get seduced to go for another night out. The hard part is my dad.

It's cool to know, he believed me. He believed me when I said there's four of us and they're very great peeps, we badminton every fri and we're that close. He's just worried about the evil outside. Robbers, psychos. Who'd try to kidnap me or anything. For that Idk how to feel.

You're a good dad. Maybe not a very good boss, but good dad.

I remember how you disliked me going badminton with about five to six boys, that was like four years ago. And we just wanted to badminton in the morning or afternoon. I went anyway.

I remember how you objected my first time out of home after 12am with wood. The day we got together. The very last day of 2014 to countdown. But then you still let me go.

I remember how, I got back later and later each date with wood. I even reached home at 1am plus, and you didn't even scold me or anything.

I know I'm a bad kid for drinking behind you like that. I know I'm a bad kid for liking the things I'm doing but I'm not supposed to be too over.

I'll always remember this. But please, trust me that I'll be safe. If bad guys approach, ET can fight, right? We all can. And it's probably not possible. We're gonna live long. They have to live for another sixty six years, as promised. Moon has to die after me which is I duno when too. So we will be safe, and we will be ok. Even if I don't know my limit, they know. This is one thing I noticed after that Saturday. ET would stop knocking my glass. Loong would take glass by glass for me, moon too, would do that. They're very nice peeps.

I will live, and stay safe, as a responsibility towards you. I will pass A2, I will get a job and treat them back, and feed you and mom. I will survive this shit, so please. The reason I am alive, is just you guys, and all my awesome friends. So fuck this shit.

I will go wild, I will go have fun. And returning safely is definite.

Unless, one day I really decided to die. (Which is not very possible?? My heart can't possibly break when it's not even whole to start with hahaha)

I'm sorry that loving badminton changed me this much. But loving badminton gave me a life. No regrets.

.

I'm tired as fuck. Whole body aching from wheelbarrow. I still can't believe I lifted her. I mean. Damn, four years ago when I lifted someone just slightly heavier than me, I had to stop because my arms would let go any moment, and Idw to kill her.

I couldn't study. I could, but. I couldn't. Duno. it's the mind thing again haha.

I don't understand how. They say when you drink, you sleep better. But I don't. I sleep terribly. I wake up earlier and Get hard times falling back to sleep. And for those time laying around, it's the scariest.

Close your eyes and try to sleep. Wouldn't you??
The stuff you don't wanna think pops out. *Face me, bitch* ok. And here it goes again.

"Hey it's me writing to you for the first and last time."

Yh put that paper back into the box.

One day, maybe I could read them and don't feel anything. Just one day. Maybe.
Maybe not ?

Stress

These days I'm going crazy because of my head!!! Fuck, I can't stay in an aircon room without having at fifty sneezes a day. Even when I wear jacket all fucking time. What fuck is wrong with me! I used to wear shorts in class for the whole damn day. And now I'm wearing so properly, exclude the slippers uhm. Just let me rant my nose!

Everyone's bunking class everyday. It's like going to class daily seems like a good kid thing. What is wrong with everyone! Everyone's talking about dying. How to suicide. How to end all this shit. How we gonna fail and cry. When you look at their faces, oh god what happened to you. What happened to you?

I am catching up. I am distracted. I am not focusing, still. Wood crosses my mind very frequent but that does no harm. I'm relieved moon isn't so clingy that I wouldn't get attached or anything too. I am still distracted, by what? By my laziness. Always trying to run, trying to destress a little, taking breaks until I took so much breaks. At least, I'm in progress. I think. I'm understanding things, I'm doing things.

And that's the reason I can still play badminton. I mean hey. I usually quit when these shits happening. (Exam is the shit).

I'm extremely worried tho. Looking at the trials schedule, telling myself, the questions repeat. The papers repeat. Don't worry. Don't worry. Chill, and finish the paper. Fuck this, fuck that. I can pass this shit, duh, of course I can.

What else distracts me, the bed. The tireness. The non existing food. Gosh I need food every sec I think it's gonna happen. Every time during exam, I eat. I eat when studying, I eat at midnight, noon, morning, anytime. I fuck up my circadian rhythm and become as fucked as a vampyre who wakes up in the day.

Just focus, okay? Time's running out. Seriously. Stop going on fb. No karaoke after trials. I'll just have to wait for another seven weeks and a few days. It's very fast. We'll get tru this. Then it's time to sleep for days.

I had abs, I can get them back. I had stamina, I can get them back. Yeah. I should probably stop badminton for a month too. Yeah. Fuck. I'm gonna talk to coach about that. Yeah.

Maybe I'll stop a month's training, then... Badminton just once within that exam period. Good? Yeah once won't do much harm. Once is goos.

I fucking swear. From mid april, I will fucking stop badminton until mid may. And within that period I can only badminton once. Yeah.

I remember two years ago. We were still together. We had so many conflicts, but I thought, it's okay, we can speak out and we can settle shits together. As long as we do give effort, it will be okay.

I was stressed too at that time. Hahah. I had worse results than now, that's why.

Wood gave me a solution."Throw, study." He told me to throw him aside, and study. Well I couldn't do that!

After we broke up, he did that.


"We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again!"
I used to tell myself so much, so much, so much but it didn't work anymore.




Situation's changed. I can throw, but can't really throw too. I can silent my phone. I can put it there just to avoid human contact. But. When shits happened, I duno. I screwed up.

My life changed so much, fucking up seems to happen on daily basis.
The solution was the same. Let me be, throw me aside, and let me move on by myself. I will get over it by my own. Or will I?

Maybe I've became determined to make wood leave, because he left me alone all these time, to overthink. But it was inevitable. But moon, you don't have to be afraid of me deleting you off my life like how I did to wood.

If I really do have an issue with you, I'd tell you. Even if I don't, I'd still tell after a while. So maybe, leave me alone would be better. When I'm fucked up, I don't know what I'd do. Just. Don't make it worse and I'll be really thankful.


I sincerely wish I can go back to normal.

"Live, not survive."

Lemon grass is bitter, so why do they put it into the milk tea?
It's the saturation rule.
The milk tea is too sweet. But we don't fill it up with lemon grass, right?
There has to be negative in positive all the time
No one said life is easy. But we can get tru this little bit of negativity.

Someone tells me, to stop thinking about the negative things. Stop thinking and thinking about these useless things. Delete anything necessary, and make studies my first priority.

I'm gonna remember that talk forever. As if it's the very last talk. 

.

Hah. I really, honestly hate myself being like this. I really do wish that I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING. Why can't I be like that?

"Turn of your phone, and study."
*What if this happens, that happens*

What if's.

Fuck those if's.

Seriously. Cancel that shit. Don't talk. If the problem is the communication, then fuck that.

I used to think, we talk it out. We solve it, not run away from it. Hah.

When wood left me.
It's the funniest when I'm over here going mad, having no idea what he thinks, if he's thinking about us, if he's going to even talk to me.

It's very funny, it's like me and my little mind overthinking, making myself go mad, becoming this ME that is fucking up everything.

At last, I found PEACE by my own! I found out that I could smile. I could laugh, and have fun still, without knowing how he's doing over there.
At last, situations tell me to fuck everything.

Well okay.

Yh. You gotta live in peace, man. Less than a months time, I have to finish my syllabus. I have to finish revision. I have to just fuck everything.

Stop giving shit about shits that fuck my life up. Stop giving shit. I gotta be heartless to live. I gotta be fucking heartless, to be able to be at the safe side.

Stop the bullshit.

.

√√ Seen  this is what I did to him.

And he returned by care. By concerns.
"Watch out for your back, don't sit in a slanted position etc etc."

Wood. You hate onions. But you're giving onions to me. Did you know that? A year it is. A year made me give up on you. Let's see if a year can let you give up too.

I did what you said. Study, focus, do not get distracted. If you distract me, block you. If he distracts me, block him too. Cuz I can do much better. I'm capable of more. Study.

How can I ever live without thinking of you?

Yeah I can go back to my textbook after a half an hour cry. I can smile and laugh like nothing happened. I can look at my sister with my brightest smiles, I can sing like usual. But is the thing still there?

《十年》

如果那兩個字沒有顫抖
我不會發現　我難受
怎麼說出口　也不過是分手

如果對於明天沒有要求
牽牽手就像旅遊
成千上萬個門口
總有一個人要先走

懷抱既然不能逗留
何不在離開的時候
一邊享受　一邊淚流

十年之前　我不認識你
你不屬於我　我們還是一樣 
陪在一個陌生人左右
走過漸漸熟悉的街頭

十年之後　我們是朋友
還可以問候　只是那種溫柔
再也找不到擁抱的理由
情人最後難免淪為朋友

直到和你做了多年朋友　才明白我的眼淚
不是為你而流　也為別人而流

.

I feel terrible, actually. Haha. Just, let me blog a little.

Idk why. What fuck is wrong with me. Didn't I let go? Did I ? Or he was just away so I couldn't see everything I have towards him ?

When I told him to f off, when I told him to leave, I accept it. I totally do. Of course, even tho deep down, he's a fucking important person in my life.

When he approached me, I talked to him calmly. I can feel every bit of his concerns, that sincerity. But he has to look me in the eye and accept me deleting him off my life. He has to watch me delete him off my priority list, cuz I can't even show anymore!

Then he realizes how painful it is to remain in contact with me. And he'd go. He has to go. And I have no reason to make him stay, because. He'll be better not knowing me anymore.

It still kills me when he says, "Eventually, I'll disappear from your life, bit by bit."

It kills, and I have to let him go, I have to pretend that I'm so happy with him leaving. I have to be cold as ice. I have to be firm, and look at the bigger picture.

Look how broken he is. And I can only sit here, do nothing.

I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry that I can't ask you to stay anymore.
I'm so sorry that I can never make you feel better anymore.
I'm so sorry that I became your root of sorrow, instead of happiness.

I'm a very very terrible person. We had a small meet up just because you knew how fucked up I am, and you're here to help. You're here to make me better. And this is what I did to you.


I'm so sorry that I couldn't tell you that I NEVER removed our photos. I never meant to lose the earphones. I didn't mean to pretend that it didn't hurt at all.

It's fucking hell, you know. Cuz I remember everything too.

I'll always care. I'll always load your stories first. But I will never tell you. For that, I'm truly sorry.


I have to put on a show after all, right?

Wood.

I'm sitting here waiting for him to come. Without turning on the fan, but I'm not sweating at all. What am I thinking?

I'm thinking bout how I used to feel waiting for him to come. I used to be so happy. So happy I get excited so I sweat even when the aircon is on. I get so happy, I kept smiling, and I couldn't wait.

But now, I'm just sitting here. Why are you so late. Ugh. You told me to get ready ten mins ago, which means I could've peed just now. I'm actually not excited, but I'm worried. I know he couldn't affect my whole day anymore. He can frustrate me for five mins that's all....

We went for this meal, then hogged a seat at tealive for hours. There he turned on his laptop, and started searching, comparing, analyzing. I can't believe he hard sold his uni, but strongly convinced me to go there. It sounds great. It sounds awesome.

What else do you want to ask.

I'm scared to not get a job here in this country.

He said I would. As long as the flame is there, I will work my hardest to get it. I had shitty results for AS because, I couldn't focus. Because I had too much negativity.

Have you ever looked in the mirror and see how much negative you have made yourself?
Yeah. I did.

I did. I swear I wanna cry. But I looked at his face, he looks sad, too. He told me, to stop talking about fucking depressed stuff and make myself happier, cuz it's the negativity that blocked my way. I'm stucked there because of this distraction.

"And I believe you are more capable than that!"

Am I?

Then he did this body check up for me. Here he goes with his physio stuff. It went great because... He said I'm actually okay, everything normal except the spine. Maybe a born-with scoliosis.

It was going okay. He dropped me in my house because it rained heavily. Then I went for my bag and there was a box tucked in.

This is the delivery he talked about.

My birthday gift.
A clover pendant necklace and a pair of earphones, with a letter. 

The letter kills every part of me. I'm thankful for finally knowing parts of his thoughts. But it was sad to know, as I'm not going to do anything anymore.

I'm so sorry for that, wood.

Badminton

After a night of good sleep, I woke up with the thought of "I want karaoke."

Yesterday we badmintoned again. I played an 11 point match with Loong. Ohmygod! I almost beat him! Almost! Almossstttttt. 12-10, I almost died too. Hahahaha it was so tiring. I swear I should play more singles and train up some stamina. But my form was ok, I think. I smashed. Usually when I play mixed, it's hard for me to smash, cuz... i duno? It seems impossible to be give the 100%. But yesterday I did that.

Maybe because of wood's coaching. I feel like he confuses me, annoys me, but he wouldn't make me get mental break downs anymore hahah. He'd make me want to turn off my phone and ignore him for the whole damn day, then maybe reply when I'm calmer.

He kills my patience. Many thing do. But... He kill it more.

I needa have more patience. And study. And get motivated, then do better in A2. Yeah....

Woman's doubles

Yesterday I ruined a night, doing nothing. I spammed, I blogged. Wood was right about when you're feeling vulnerable, the people that see a chance would straight approach. He was the one who approached. I'm gonna admit. I thought we were okay. I told him how fucked up my mind was, about studies and about my stupid love life. Then he said, I need help. Then I said, I need to talk to him(mainly bout the studies part). We were pretty much okay, then we talked about recent stuff.

Guess what, wood, I have a woman doubles competition tomorrow. So he got interested to coach me. I took some time to make a decision, and at last, "Come bah." We were okay. He said, he needs to bring me to have a pre-competition meal. So okay. We had this so milo ish meal that he claimed "Full protein meal." Wow. I'm full, wood. I can't finish this. Really. Can you help? He took a look at my nails, then felt my pulse, and said "weak pulse, and the nails tells that something's wrong with my digestion, that's probably why you couldn't finish the meal, I eat twice this portion." He said I used to eat so much. The first time I treated him lunch, we ordered spaghetti carbonara, a huge pizza and mash potatoes. His memory was fucking good, I think it sucks to be him. Yeah I used to eat that much, but now it's not like that. Wood. I changed. I'm dying hahahahha.

Good then, I'll live short. I'll finish my degree, get into the working world for awhile, then die. Exactly my plan. Maybe when I was so fucked up and depressed, I spoke to myself, I want to die younger. I want to die immediately. I want to die right now, right now! Maybe, my wish was heard. That's why, I'm living life freely, crazily. I'm great. He disagreed, and said there was something wrong with my thinking, that's why we need long talk tomorrow. Ugh, he thinks something's wrong with me and it can be fixed? LOL I can't be fixed! Definitely, something's wrong with me. But I accept it this way. Something's wrong with me, but it can be bearable. Help me, don't help me. I can't be helped. I'm ruined. Haha. Deep talks get scary, and makes me speechless. I was already nervous when eating. Then I brought him to tour the campus. We were like, friends. Great friends. Everything went so well. He was snapping videos. Lastly, we got to the hall. Then there goes woman's doubles.

Woman's doubles
First match was versus sukma girl and another state player. It was no hope, but we tried playing against them few weeks back and we did averagely. So it was actually.... not that hopeless. I was nervous, duh. Damn nervous. Wood was behind, giving loads of instructions. Hit it low, don't be nervous, chill out. Do what we practiced just now. Great. (It was encouraging. It really was, he didn't stress me out and I was surprised) The second set was much better as there was actually.. some interactions between my partner and I. "You two are finally working together. Yeah that's right. Your opponents are underestimating you, that's why you can get 21-19. You could've won them too." He's a good coach. Trust me. We played much better each shot, and was catching up shot by shot consecutively. It was... something I'd say impossible if he wasn't there.

There was four matches, wood stayed for three. He watched us lost first round and won the next two easily. Then my friends, shell and stomata were here to watch us play the fourth. It was versus the girl that we played against in first round mixed doubles. So I got nervous, again. Haha. I'm gonna say, I was in such a great form even tho my legs were slightly shaking OMG, I didn't even made any mistakes in my servings. Never underestimate your opponent. Respect is playing without assuming they couldn't take the shot, end up us taking every shot less seriously. But then, I wonder, do they feel that way? I took every shot seriously I felt a little mean, was I? Like when it was high at the net, is it really okay to hit each and every one of them sharp onto the floor? Is it okay to smash every opportunity? I don't know. I wonder how the audience think.

We won, there was huge score gap, but that doesn't matter. We got second runner up, which is the 2nd place. My very very first second runner up in my life! It was great. But I found myself dozing off at the last match. Shell and stomata was behind us when we played. I was starring everywhere, into the audience. Is he there? Actually. I felt like it was nice to have supporters. As long as they don't act crazily to embarrass me, it was really nice. It was great when there's someone being excited to each score we gained. But he wasn't there.

Idk, maybe because of yesterday. That I screwed up a night. I deserve it haha.

Wood went mad after leaving. He always went mad when we text each other, it feels like I couldn't see his face and he couldn't see mine, so there's always misunderstandings. Maybe this is another huge reason we broke up. I'm glad moon showed up then. Wood was okay too then. I'm glad everything was okay, that I can enjoy just once, of what we earned.

Sometimes, we can miss things but we gotta know not to want them. Wood thinks I don't believe him that he changed. He thinks that I assume he's the one that's gonna restrain me from doing many stuff.
No.... I believe him, of course I believe him. But I changed too, you know. Look at me dying. Was I like this? Attitude, thoughts, health, was I like this? I'm different too, the kind of different that I don't think anyone can handle. This is the reason I push them away. The past, the present. There's no future in me. You left me for a reason. Even if, you think you've settled the issue, it's not even the issue anymore. I changed to a big piece of shit. Hahah.

How can I love someone, if I can't even love the me I've become? Time is this scary. It sucks. Pineapple, it sucks to break someone. Maybe you guys don't want me, maybe the present of me being this fucked up piece of shit makes you feel much better about your lives. Maybe I'm too fucked up that you feel the need to put my pieces back together, while I want it to stay this way.

I wish my life can be simple.

Conclusion, yip man, don't curse yourself to die young. Please. I wish you can have a normal life. I'm the best example of a failure. I wish you live long and happy. Purely like that.

fuck why am I so down. Hahah. I probably need cheese. 

.

I think I deserve to die.

He gave everything he could. Seeing his eyes kills me. I don't deserve his effort. I don't deserve everything he's done for me.

Yh let him go. Make him go.

I'm a piece of shit. That is why wood left me. Wood couldn't handle me. Wood was such a great person, yet he couldn't handle me. I deserve to get dumped. I deserve to be alone forever.

I can't believe at this kind of situation, my pendrive is with shell. Fuck. I need music, I need loud.

I deserve a year of suffer, and a complete change into this hopeless piece of shit.

Wood's left me for a reason. Guys should understand guys. He told me to fuck off, for a reason.

You should think about why my past failed so horribly. Then think thrice about wanting me. Maybe at that time, you wouldn't want me anymore.

Yeah...

I'm sorry that I'm so hard.
I'm sorry that the voices screwed up your efforts.
I'm sorry for everything I've done.

.

People come and go, things change. So easily. I know what can change you. When you're left alone to make assumptions without any answers, that's gonna make you go mad.

"I'll always be here, waiting for you to return."
"No.... I gave up, so please, leave."
Two completely different things.

One year is enough for me to develop some thoughts. Some that helped me gone through hell. Some that prevented me from straight killing myself. I have my conclusions, I have things that my mind sets myself out to do for sure.

I don't know how to love anyone. I'm a loner. I'm perfect being alone. I can be your friend, your bro, but not THAT. I don't know how to love. I felt like I do know how to love, but just temporary. I will love for a while, then let go. The feelings stop very soon. Just like that.

I can't let them in. I can't let him in. I'll make his life so miserable because of my stupid brain that went.... mad. I don't even like him enough to be with him, look at what he did for me. Isn't that enough? What is wrong with me? Being touched aren't equivalent to falling for someone. I'm touched from what my sister did for me. I'm touched from half blood that brought me Japanese tipbits. I'm touched that Loong took glass by glass when I was off. I'm touched when wood still cares, and offers to meet up just because of my shitty self is needing help again. I'm touched, that you came straight to my house knowing I have millions of mental breakdowns in my head. It does not meant that I'm falling for these people. I love them all. Am I a player? Or I simply see you peeps as my best friends???

When someone's after you, and you have no faith in yourself. Do you waste the other's life by giving him hope? And there's no clue about whether it will happen or not. Do you do that? I'm dead. I can't do that. Day by day, the voices tell me. End it before he does too much for you. End it before it's too late for him. End it, cuz you don't want to give false hope like that. End it, because you do prefer if he stays a great friend.

It does hurt. Kicking someone important away.
It does hurt. Because he might just leave forever.
It does hurt when I know I'm gonna hurt him.

But what can I do? Hurt you for four years while killing myself at the same time? Or live a shorter time to see how things go?????? Am I unreasonable for wanting it shorter? Or should I enjoy the love you give while I'm still stuck here???? What should I do!?

I can't do this! I can't just take and take and take all that effort you gave! I can't do that. I will be your friend. I can talk to you. I can try to cheer you up. But I don't want to... I'm stuck here, moon. I don't have the ability to romanticize things. I can't imagine me kissing you. I can't imagine me wanting a future with you. I just enjoy being your badminton buddy... Isn't badminton buddy good enough? Why more? Why do you want more?

For hours, Im sitting here, and I'm thinking. Over and over. I can't do this. I'm very sorry. I tried, and I can't. I don't know what to do. I don't know how. I'm going crazy. You've done too much. It would be easier if you didn't do so much. But you already did.

I feel like all these stuff are pushing me to the edge. Like it's suffocating. Like everyday when I woke up it's gonna be like this. I'm in this big mess that I can never get out if I don't make things right. I need to make things right. I can't take this. I just wanna drink and jump off a building. Just stop.

Stop. Please. You wouldn't understand me. I know. I know you've did a lot to me. But look. You're falling for someone who's dying inside. Don't. Can you just... Find someone lovable? I have shitty attitude. My mind fucks around. I hate myself. I hate life. And you, you don't need this amount of shit. You don't want me. Please be good to yourself, and think about it.

Think about why I want you to let go. Think about what would happen if you let go. Better opportunities. And you wouldn't have this shit to comfort from time to time...

I'm very fucked up, you see. I need a night out. I need that. Right now.

You have no idea how many nights it had been lingering in my head. You have no idea how crazy it's making me. But I know. It's completely my fault. I shouldn't have done a lot of things. I shouldn't have worried to death when you were just late. I shouldn't give a damn, so you wouldn't fall for me.

Loong

I think I have a special thing towards Loong. Huge part of it was because I had a dream about him, and I woke up crying! Then, we talked about it one night during ET's birthday celebration because I got a little high from the alcohol. He swore to live for another sixty six years! I have that whole convo recorded.

Last sat, they ET badminton squad held a night out celebration for me, and two others' birthday. Moon wasn't there, but I thought I should go.

Initially, I thought the plan was weird. Cuz I go for dinner with Loong first. Why? Did Loong wanted to dinner with me? Or... Didn't it felt odd? Was he bored? Or are we close enough to dine together like that? I remember the first time we see each other. ET and him, they asked if I feel that imma bad person. I said, yeahhh. Definitely. That day onwards, Loong calls me "bad girl".

We had alone times together. Just that one day, I was fucking depressed. He brought me home, and I was really quiet. Just that once. I was certained that we had the same taste in music.

So he brought me out. And we talked, about the plans, everything random, his college, his job. He was wearing a red collar T. Somehow I thought of wood.

He asked, have I tried soju?
Nope, I haven't.
I'll let you try that then.

Cheers, happy birthday, bad girl.

As long as I'm living, it's gonna be this sad.
Woah so emo! Cheers, says v.

It's a gentleman thing to do, when he filled up the bowl for me, then took for himself. It's always the little things that I notice. That I appreciate.

The meal was great. The soju was great. Everything was great, and my body was heating up. The soju made my heart race a little. I admit, I got tipsy after the soju. I couldn't remember where Loong's car parked. From there onwards, I sang with him in the car, with every single song his pendrive played.

He told me, he was thinking about going for karaoke because he knows I like this. But since there's two other birthday peeps, then... no choice then. Awww. Having that thought was good enough.

We reached geographer, a bistro place at puchong. Then we just sat there and chill first. It was so so dark. We looked at the menu. He says, look, whenever there's heneiken, there's no carlsberg, cuz they only can take one.

I said I never had heneiken before, then he ordered heneiken. :) Thank you. For letting me try new things so always. I don't know what are you. You're 14 years ahead of me but I think there's no barrier. It's a thing you'd do these for me. For that I took a picture of you playing with your phone. For that, I enjoy being there and I don't feel alone.

It amuses me. That I could go from tipsy back to sober, because you took so many glasses for me and v too.. I'll definitely remember that.

730 is your number plate. I'd remember that, and the fact that it's your birthday too.

Wow it's 1am.

I thank you, for being that nice.

I never expected you to wrap me in your arms at the end. Gonna just take it as a birthday thing.

It felt great to be looked after. Yeah...

Thank you! :)

.

The thing I hate the most about myself, is when shits happened, I'd literally sit there and do nothing, and think of the issue for so fucking long I think I probably lost my mind. Am I that free? No. Am I having other stuff to rush? Definitely. And still! Look at me. 

What I hate about myself giving shit. 

When bad things happen, I want to turn off wifi, But I know someone's at the other side being unhappy. How can I turn off wifi? I want to close all the apps, including WA. But that way, I wouldn't receive notifications. And that's scary. I want to turn off my phone, But I don't wanna do that at the same time.

This is what happened regularly, for the past one and a half years! It's fucking FANTASTIC! Would I like to feel that and go through that again? HAHA DEFINITELY. 

It was pure torture. Self torture, okay? Cuz I want to be like you guys. You people, who has the ability to leave someone alone at the other side, leave them to die, leave them to overthink until the situation can NEVER ever be the same anymore. Leave them to cry and cry and cry until you change them completely, you change them into someone you never know. I wanna be heartless enough to do that! Then I wouldn't give any fucking shit, I wouldn't even tell you how I feel rn because it doesn't matter! 

I feel like I left you at the other side, sad and thinking. But I don't want you feeling like that, while. I'm here, trying to talk. At the end it'll always be me looking fucked up and desperate. Cuz I ruined shits! Okay? I'm fucked up ALL THE TIME! I don't want to be with you and make you handle all this bullshit! Cuz I want to get used to being sad alone without expectations. I don't wanna have hopes that someone I need would suddenly pop out, but turned up that person didn't. I don't wanna depend on someone's shoulders. I don't wanna be that weak shit. I have to be alone.

I remember the days I wasn't like this. I told yip man, how much I missed wood. Every day, every hour. I was so crazy. I was madly blinded by those fantasies. I can never miss someone like that, ever. I can never love the same. Being crazy kills! IT KILLS. 

.

Told you guys, good moments won't ever last.
I'm happy for the three days, which means I'll suffer for nine days. Or.maybe, more.

I feel like I kinda know why drama queen never responded to our wishes. It's like...

Wow I'm not in the mood rn, *silents phone*

I do turn the sounds back on, sometimes.

I'm gonna just throw the phone aside all the time. If you ask me why I lose patience when I replied you in secs but you disappeared halfway,,,,

I waited. Haha. How dumb.

Things tell me that, I'm a little over.

When you're doing the wrong thing that has half the chance to lead to someone being heartbroken.

One night out wouldn't change the thing. Karaoke won't change anything. A great meal wouldn't change anything too.

At the end the shits run back to you, and force you to face them.

I know I wasted months of your life, your youth, your effort and energy.

Do you like the idea of me that would always care for you? Maybe you'll be right about that fact. But you gotta look at both sides. When the damage is gonna cost a little bit of happiness, it's not worth it! It's not!!!!!!

I don't understand why. It's still a must to tell. But you're always gonna blame me. Ignore me, go ahead. Ignore forever, don't show up. Maybe, cancel all the plans. Let me drown in disappointments. Cuz I'm this wrong, I don't deserve love like that. I love freedom too damn much, it scares me to be too close with someone.

Is that wrong? Am I wrong for telling you that? You have all your rights to get sad when I say this.

Can you feel your efforts being wasted?
Every single time you disappear like that, I'd think. Maybe he's planning about leaving already. And there's nothing I can do, because. It's too late.

Do I want you to disappear? Nope.
But what I want doesn't matter, right?
If shits are necessary, it'll appear in life, again and again and again in a shitty way, then you have no fucking choice you gotta make it stop, you gotta say "fuck off!!!!" Even when all you wanna do is to wrap your arms around him.

I regained some of my positive energy, but I'll never regain the ability to get crazy over someone.

What if I tell you, I do like you. But I don't think this feeling's gonna get any further?

I don't even have to do anything to think that way anymore. There are no voices. No one's telling me to stay alone. But I fell in love with being alone.

It's like I don't know how to. How to see things in that fantasy way. It's like love is a fantasy and I'm accepting reality.

:)

I'm really happy these few days. Maybe due to a night out, maybe due to realizing that I have these great people in my life, and I'm fully appreciating them. I'm looking forward to new things. "I will get an average result for my A2." "I will go for a weird degree and get ok results too." I might go for masters then too. At the same time, Idk what I'm gonna do with moon. But the voice tells me, don't stress about that because.... whatever that's meant to will happen anyway, why stress about it? Go for what I'm gonna go for. Yeah. I'll do this shit. 

I've been changing a way to study. It's so speedy! It's like, two weeks ago, I was going mad about not able to finish 200 pages of chem and 100 page of bio in time. But now, I have half of them left. Really speedy, effective. Awesome. Doing notes is a way, but when time is lacking, I guess I shouldn't insist on it. It just stresses me out, makes me think I couldn't do this, I couldn't do that. 

With notes, I study everything, about three times in a go. But it's slow. The progress kills too much time I don't have that time. Just studying in one go, or maybe twice to get things understood, then go for past year papers, this is fast. "Fast reaction" HAHAHA omg too much chem.

I'm gonna say this. 

They aren't so hard when I'm studying for the sake of learning. I mean seriously! They go in my head immediately. I remember when I used to read the same sentence for ten times and process how to make it into my notes clearly. It's not like this now. 

Change is necessary to keep us alive. 

"Leave" can change to a shy convo, then back to "fuck off" Then to "You don't have to fuck off if you could control  yourself and stop the shit I hate you doing."

Yh, stop stressing about life. Stay this relaxed, this smiling mood. Stay appreciative of the great things people would do for you, and do it for them too. 

People come and go. Everything is temporary, but..... After that, good things still happen anyway... Right? C'mon. There's 2/3 of everything else. I'll study them all before exam comes. 

Yeah. Stop stressin 

Training after a night

Training was like omg. Really, I couldn't. I slept too little I think. Insomnia. Thanks the the smell from my hair. We stroked and that girl state player was killing me without any effort. Plus I have this arm problem. I feel like I'm so old. Why do I have so many problems here and there? The spray helped tho.

I was panting like a pug from front back footwork. Coach asked, what was it, and Im like "I'm just very tired hahahahaha" so he gave me nearer net throws. Omg thank you. But still, I'm ded.

At the end I finally told him. I'm probably tired because I drank a little last night. Then he became like a father. Omg. So wise.
"I'm just advising you, you can think me as a big brother."

Another reason I love my coach.
He's such an awesome person.

I think I gained brothers these days. Ahahahaha.

I'm a happy kid. So tired. Fff

Thanks for the birthday thing

Today was a nice day. Loong brought me out for dinner, he said, v was joining. We talked in the car, unlike that day, I was so quiet. It felt better today. Very much better. No awkward and the jaychou songs background music. Too awesome. The restaurant was so..... Omg.

I can't believe he called to reserve. It was so kua zheong. Omaya, a korean cheese lover restaurant. There I had my first ever soju. It was actually quite strong. 17.5%, alcohol. And we had two bottles.

Cheers, happy birthday.
Thank you!

I found out no matter how relaxed I am, out with friends, I'm still this negative. And that's how, "walao so emo, cheers".

I'm thankful to all of them. Really. Made my day. I was really, really stressing out, a night out was destressing. ET was so evil. He tried pushing my face into the cake. I almost lose balance and fell somewhere. Probably the alcohol.

I was really guilty about how much they have to pay for.these towers. Thn I said to ET, I'm gonna work hard, and get a job, so one day, I can pay for the beer too. :)

Moon was really worried. But they took care of me. Today,. Is the day I'm feeling good about some of them. Loong and v. I mean. Really. They're nice. I absolutely feel good.about the people who.stopped the people for making me drink.

I found out Loong is definitely a karaoke mate of mine. We finally broke the barrier thanks to alcohol. We karaoked in car. He was kinda surprised when I know all the lyrics of jay chou's old songs. HAHAHAAH who am I?

It's a nice day. Thank you all.

Like really. Thank you all especially the two. ET and loong. HAHAHAH they're awesome people. Idc cuz they're not gonna see this anyway omg I'm so blur.I camt handle my typo anymore.

Okbye.

I can't believe this happened to me.twice.
I woke up thanks to this.stomach ache so i have to poop in the middle of the night then I couldn't get back to sleep because i smell myself. My hair.covered.in smoke and.vape.

Ohfuck.

Tired

Part of me hope that we gonna get drunk tonight. Part of me hope that we have a very simple night, with one or two small glasses of alcohol will do.

Loong's gonna have dinner with me. If I remember correctly, he likes Japanese food. We have similar taste in music. Isn't it weird a ninetine yr old psycho hangs out with a thirty plus dude? Nope it's not that weird. Haha.

I'm studying a lot recently. I feel like I learnt so much. So much, just referring to orange's past year paper. She's the smart kid. always feeling sad for getting "just A". Ish. But she's not a bad kid. She's definitely arrogant. In a slightly obvious way, but she helps me. I mean. She taught me stuff that I was fucking confused at. Stupid me.

It's so weird when you see a smart kid disliking another smart kid. Like hey. I know why you don't like her. Cuz she's a damn competitor.

We talked about biotech. Shum has the thought of Going for this too, but we're both afraid of job opportunities.

They ended up making washing powder.
They end up digging shits to make fertilizer.
We gotta get a phd too because a degree is like the most basic form. And damn. After that, where would we end up?

I notice myself thinking from moon's perspective, sometimes.

If I want a better job opportunity, I needa get off this country.

How about this, how about that?

Another disadvantage of "giving shit" about someone important.

I learnt a lot these days..and I even practiced a bit of violin. Recently I stopped listening to sentimental music, and start with classical. It makes me wanna be a pro violinist.

I'm thinking so much, still. My eyes are tired. I'm getting constant headaches. I'm so tired. I can't wake early. My arm aches when I take off my shirt.

It's like fireworks in my head. But I'm gonna turn up looking sane and happy.

Another voice inside me still concerns about how crazy I've made wood to be.

And I want a day off from my head. I wanna faint. I wanna get unconscious and feel like it's okay to do so.

Are you sure you don't want to drink and get high again?
I'm not.

Come on..two more months.... What can happen?

I will.catch.up, and I definitely will understand more things. A2 is just a paper.

It doesn't define the results for my future. It doesn't define me, or how I'm gonna end up working as.

I'm so tired.

.

I was tired and impatient af. WAS.
Not anymore. Tired and really fed up with everything.

I hate sudden unplanned stuff. If my mind sets me to study in the library, I will study in the library. Even if they gonna go somewhere to eat and study there, I'm gonna stay. Alone is good.

And because of that, I'm gonna make shits clear.

Yeah no big deal. There's so big difference from the two statement you made. Before, this, after, that. It's completely different story, don't you think? Fb has shit posts today. There's nothing that can calm the pit.

I never "forget" things like this. I never forget, or mistaken shits like that unless you tell me these when I wad drunk! Was I drunk?

I asked. Over and over again, to make it clear. Believe it or Not, I listen to those audios over and over until every word wad fucking clear.

Ohh. I forgot.

Seriously?

Seriously???

Guess what. I'm so broke, I feel like I could cancel every single plan made with everyone.

Like god damnit I'm supposed to study eight pages per day and look at me! I'm actually planning to go out with you peeps??? Come on.

It's the worst day of my life.

Being brought to this world is a curse to me.

And this much trouble because of it? ..........

I'm totally speechless.

Maybe

Honestly!

I pictured everything. I imagined myself fail A levels, then I proceed to something else. Art? Music? I can do those too. I can teach. I can play ok. I had a tiny 2nd runner up from a past guitar competition, I can do that again. I can't badminton well, but I throw shuttlecocks well. Maybe, there's a huge range of possibilities. Maybe I can play, but I couldn't handle stage fright well, even if I've been on stage since very young. Maybe I could overcome this stage fright? Maybe one day, I could be  in the court without my head full of self-doubts.

I also, pictured myself passing it well. Maybe I'm gonna get an average result for A levels, then get a scary degree, maybe I'm gonna end up homeless. Maybe I can get a job which allows me to have a very not-luxurious life, so what? Maybe, maybe I'm gonna improve badminton, then make part of a living by helping my coach like how arrogant did. I'm not that bad after all, I can handle kids, I guess. Maybe, I'm gonna get a degree, then at the same time, I continue music. Maybe get a part time job by going for gigs, caroling, those stuff. No matter what, as long as I eat low-class meals, I will survive. Right?

Why do I care? Tbh, for someone like me... who wanted to die so badly, why do I care?


Maybe two months can make a miracle in my studies.

Maybe four years can make me learn to love again.

I pictured myself being with moon. But I couldn't picture much cuz... I don't know why. Maybe because my current thoughts are just stucked there. Like still believe I could be so much happier alone. Or maybe we'd be happy together. But no, not yet. Couldn't picture it yet. Maybe it'll change within four years?

I pictured myself running back to wood. There's so many possibilities. I'd leave him, because I loved the him before he did that. Maybe I'd be so wood-phobic I become so careful, and I couldn't live peacefully for the rest of my life. Maybe I'd become dumb again, then lose myself, then do everything and let myself die all over again. I'm already careful.

I don't know.


I love bio. Occasionally am interested in chem too. I love that I could do things easily in music. As in, I'm not that slow. I love violin. I love so many things. I can definitely survive.

I loved hugs. I loved holding hands. I loved being loved.
Did I ? Or still do?

Fear of failing wouldn't make me give up. I'd feel like giving up, so many times, but I definitely won't. I mean c'mon! It's life, nothing's gonna be easy. 

How about that thing towards people? 

Maybe Wood's got better. Maybe. Cuz when I expect his name.to never show up in my notification, he showed. I'm neutral about it. 

Maybe one day I could stop worrying about things. Cuz I'm gonna work harder, and give everything. Maybe I should just stop being so afraid of everything, and push to the max to avoid regrets. 

I used to think, if I love you, you love me, everything else wouldn't matter. Cuz we'd both change to tolerate each other, and fix anything that stands in our way. 

Well suddenly I started restraining myself. Moon's tryna get me. Sometimes, being with him, I'd think, why not I just go ahead and give it a try? But my self-convincing skills won. I'm sorry that my head tries to kill all your effort and try to keep my heart safe. 

You moved one step forward, and I moved two steps backwards. 

What happened to that me back then? Haha. 

It's a struggle. But maybe, maybe four years would let me walk towards you. Maybe four years could convince me, just give it a try, even if it ended badly, I already expected that anyway... 

Motivation comes

It's time, for a POSITIVE POST! HAHAH.

Ok today and yesterday I was on fire! Thanks to yip man, I was so productive wow I did some efficient revision in two days, which I used to need about a week to stuff all that in my brain. Two days! Damn!

Today Dorcas saw my notebook and she's like staring, it's too late for me to cover so I'm like heheh this is my own notes, bleh ntg to do with you.
"So you're just reaching action potential?"
"Yup you are so correct, I finally reached action potential, trust me, I'm rushing."
Oh Dorcas don't discourage me. Gime some hope, man.

Then in the middle of noting, I saw this WA group I was added in. HAHA. Wow, another badminton group. The only few people inside were Voon, sukma girl, ginger and my masiswa partner. Wow you guys invited me. Wow. I mean hey, wow! Am I up to your standards? HAHah I'm such a terrible player did you see us play during our mixed doubles match? It doesn't matter with who, with wood, or with moon. I sucked all the time, damn my netting sucks like a damn newbie.

And they thought of me? Wow.

Thank you!.........

Maybe it was ginger. Ginger knows how much I love badminton. I can guarantee he's like me. A badminton addict. Cuz we literally snapped each other badminton courts, blah blah. It's awesome. Heh. And everytime I snapped bout study stress, he'd snap me back with "Stress? Badminton lah!" "Headache? Badmintoooon!" This is so awesome.

Heh. Ok today I'm hyped. I'm gonna go back to my notes. Kthxbai. 

Stress

I wanted to nap, despite how guilty I felt. And when I close my eyes, I see all the shit I couldn't do well. Every single thing.

Studies, badminton, music, interaction with humans. NON OF THEM WORKED. HAHA. Non of them. I failed in every single one. I fucked up everything. I can't even.

Nope stop lying to yourself. Stop trying to find reasons to keep going. Im a failure. It doesn't matter what they say. It doesn't matter how they keep me up. It's a known fact. I suck at living, just like that. I should've sticked to music. I should stay the me who doesn't sweat at all throughout the entire year. It doesn't matter if I have an athletic bestie. It doesn't matter how unmatched we were when we stood together. It's a known fact, I will always be me, this fucked up, failure.

No mom, you're wrong. I learnt them fast because I wanted to. Yeah? That me is GONE! I'm a piece of shit. You know that. You've seen me did shitty in spm. You've seen my fucked up AS results. A2 aren't gonna be any different.

I should quit everything. Why continue? Since I'm not gonna improve anyway. I'm gonna stay there forever. I'm gonna screw up. I'll never achieve what I want to achieve.

I'm wasting so much time, working on this piece of shit me. I'm wasting my parents' money, effort, everything. I just don't know how to be that perfect person.

.

I'm gonna blog until I have no more words. What do you do if your head has noises? So annoying. And you couldn't understand things. you fucked up again.

It'll get better, they say.

It's okay, they say.

What do they know? Haha.

Arrogant asked me why was I that depressed on that day. Little do you know, I'm always like that. It's just... One day I was down, I talked to wood and him, they two gave me the funniest replies, and made me laugh even in tears.

I want that again, that's why.
Wood's left. Arrogant's left for the entertaining replies, that's why.

But no.

Make yourself laugh. Depend on yourself. Nobody's gonna be there all the time. I want good laughs but it's so hard to get. Sometimes I just look at vibes. Stupid fb memes, stories. Then it all doesn't make sense.

The words would occupy my head again. Again. And again.

Today my sister's down there, I think she's not asleep yet. And the music wasn't on.
She might hear me.
But who cares. Haha.

I don't even know what's wrong with me. How do I fix the matter when I couldn't find the source of the shit.

Will this ever end?????

How much should I blog to keep the thoughts out? Or maybe will I even stop? Just stop.

Please. Stop.

.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I talk to myself from the inside.

You are a zombie. You are a zombie. You are a freaking zombie. You're a heartless, brainless zombie. Look at your dead eyes. Oh look at that. Zombie.

My dead eyes still.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and inside, I go, mm I look fine. A little smile will do. Yep, fine as usual. Like nothing happened. Very fine. Yup. Life is a pain in the ass, and we're much tougher than that. We're very tough. We live. Living is so hard but look at me, I'm here. Hah. Hahhaaas what worse could happen when the worst has already happened? Nothing else can break me. Hah. Try me, seriously. Life, come at me.

More like everything can....

I don't remember myself being this weak piece of shit. Crying at stupid shit things. I don't remember myself being so shit, I don't remember myself being triggered by just one word, and my night could be ruined.

Why do I care? It wouldn't be any big deal if I give zero fucks. I reject people, heartlessly. I spoke to half-blood prince like he has no heart. Like he was that creep. Be it. Leave. I'm used to these kinds of things. Why do I bother myself when I think it's wrong whatever I did to you?

I always tell myself. Don't get used to anything, so I have nothing to lose. It's too late. It's too late.

Over and over again.
Was it unreasonable? Was my decision unreasonable? It wasn't, I think it wasn't. But it probably hurts you. And that matters. And Idk what to do. Cuz insisting it would be painful for awhile. But if the wrong goes on forever, it'll be so hard to heal. It'll be so bad. It'll hurt really bad. Just if, if things go wrong like not we planned.

Think about it. Things always go wrong. We can't help it. We can do some things to lessen the impact. To make it hurt less. Things never go the way we plan.

Do you know what wood used to say?
"I'm definitely marrying you."
There was a time, he told me to fuck off.
It hurts so much I don't want to remember.

I believe we will not go tru all that shit. But I believe, things wouldn't go as we planned too. I don't know. Will you be temporary? I hope not. but not my decision. No matter how, I have to do what I need to do.

Was it unreasonable? At the end, I still think, it's the best for us.

.

I can feel it everytime I tell him to give up.

It's an instant cold, and numbness everywhere. And I get this lightheaded feeling. Like whenever I get a fever. It's dizzy, confusing. Everything in this world is annoying. Like I need to lie down and kill myself. So I have to turn off all the sounds. I've got to stay somewhere alone.

If it's too late, the sounds are necessary tho.
To cover mine.

Please make it stop. Please, make it stop. What would ever make it stop?

It's going to be like that for a long time, at least for the deal it's four years.

Four years is actually so long. How to live like that?

It's gonna be like that for awhile. It'll be temporary. Even the worst pain fades. So it'll be over. Just wait. Patiently.

Cuz I know. One day, just one day I will succeed. And I don't regret, because it's for his own good. It's for his own good. Yeah. It's better like this.

The worst things you can do is drag. Drag, and give the other person hope while you don't even know what's with your heart.

Maybe wood was like that. He didn't mean to make me this way. He left me alone to overthink and fuck myself up because he was confused himself. He didn't mean to break me. Yeah.

I thought I handled these well. I thought I wouldn't do whatever wood did, cuz it hurts. I gave wood a direct "leave", but I kept moon hanging. Like how wood kept me hanging.

Look what I've turned into..

You don't wanna be like me.

I don't want to make you so shitty. Cuz my life is so fucked up. I really hate it. idk what to do. Can't you just tell me what to do?????

.

Sometimes, certain lyric hits me hard. Then I'd rethink everything again. He broke me. I broke him back. I might break another him. I'm gonna break them both. Then break myself. What shit is wrong with me.

Sometimes I wish I'm extremely extremely ugly as fuck and don't even have passion towards anything, so I wouldn't fall for anyone, and no one would fall for me.

To me, humans with passion would be the most attractive ones. I think that's how people fall for each other. Maybe it's just me. But really. Even humans with weird passion could be really attractive.

(I'm saying this like I'm not a human lol)

It's inevitable, right? As long as we live, we break people, or we let them break us. So I just have to choose.

All this time, me convincing my shitty self to not have feelings.... Did I succeed?? Definitely nope. Just because I don't wanna admit it, doesn't meant that it's not happening.

I know I'm a bitch. I gave you this, this much hope. I accepted the way you treat me nice. In return, I gave you this special treatment.

I know I'm a bitch. I was overfriendly. I was really wrong. And there's no turning back.

I think one day I would accept you. I think.
But that doesn't make my current actions non-bitchy.

As long as I'm not ready, I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't do that. I should keep my distance, and make you keep yours. We should keep distance.

I think it's very reasonable, right?

It's good for you and me.
I know you'll always be there for me. I'd be there for you, too. But. This distance is a must.

You need more time to take a good view about me. Am I what you really want? Can you stand my shitty shits? Can you accept me being stubborn as fuck? Can you live with my crazy insecurities and doubts? Would you stay if I tell you to leave?

Because no matter what, I'd be okay to be alone. My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with. I'd always tell myself that you're gonna leave. I'm gonna do that for the rest of my life. To reduce the pain. One is enough to almost kill me. Responsibilities are dragging me away from death. You know. If it wasn't them, I'd be dead long ago. Like a year and a half ago. I lived like this, and you fall for me when I'm like this.

I'm surprised you didn't leave when you found out how I think. How much shits I have in my head. I'd go crazy. And you still want me. I'm gonna ask you the same question from time to time. Are you sure? Are you sure you can handle my bullshit? Cuz I can't, I'm gonna have mental breakdowns occasionally. I'm gonna go crazy from time to time, I'm gonna make myself go insane and insist telling you to give up.

I'm reallllyy sorry...

We start life as a soft mushy thing.
And then when we get pelted with rejection,
We transform into a tough unfeeling and a highly efficient robot
Piloted by a soft mushy thing.

That soft mushy thing inside would always think, and think, reprogram all the self defense system, to stay alive, stay safe...

But it's still that painful.

What do I do?

Badminton during TSUNAMI

I think I exceeded my quota. I'm supposed to play badminton not more than three times a week, including training. Well, this week I played..... Four times. Yep. I exceeded. The only excuse I'm gonna give myself would be.... One of the days we played it for free, cuz the court was in a friends' condo.

Then the other two days was to make up the number of people. Gosh. ET's Singapore squad. And they're very good! Most of them were good! Damnit. Good thing is we had fun. Badminton is indeed love. Damn, can anyone believe that I've actually thought of quitting my favorite sport??? Insane. They motivate me more. I wanna be this good. I wanna be that good.

Three days, I saw coach there. He's so cute. With that innocent smile. We waved each other with rackets. Today was training and tomorrow would be the competition. I can't believe coach gave me lesser trainingload because of it. I did half, whatever the rest of them did. Thank you coach! Love you loaddssss! He's the one that gave me hope when I thought I can't ever improve anymore. Cuz he made me did whatever I need.

Such an awesome coach.

.

Sometimes I thought stress might eat away my heart, and make me can't even play badminton properly. No that's not it. Badminton makes everything better. But, no that's not it.

Even at the happiest moment, I think about him. I think about him more these days, I don't know why. It's just lots of questions. How are you? Are you still always that sad because of me? Are you happy? Are you getting better?

When we wrap grips on our own... Wood used to wrap these for me so I don't have to learn.
When we played mix doubles... Wood used to cover me this much, I became a complete newbie.
When I have slight improvement... Wood used to say he thinks I won't improve, but look at me.
When we meet new people... Wood's gonna love to play with them, if we even stay friends.

It doesn't really make me depressed as fuck. But these are those thoughts, always there. Maybe because I recently dreamed of his mother, and him. I remember, he used to dislike LA. Even when I told him how it helped our family. Then his mom talked to him about it.
Did you tell her about us? How you feel, and how I'm reacting? Did you tell her everything?

I wonder if... Whether.... Why?

I can't shake away thoughts. I can just put them in my head, but that doesn't change the fact that they're always there in my head.

He was my first. The amount of... Everything I've gave him was just so much. So much and now I have nothing to give anyone else. I think I can't be with anyone anymore. I literally told moon to give up on me. He didn't, and we have a deal.

Sometimes I think I have complicated thoughts. Then sometimes, I think I'm actually very simple. I do what I want, I shoo whatever I don't want. But then. Is that it? Did I? I shooed wood away, even when he always occupies my mind. I shoo moon away when I do like him but maybe not enough to be with him. When I get really happy, I start to make myself sad by thinking bout sad stuff, making it all shitty again. Like what's happening now. When life is going fine, and I've released lots of shit stress from studies, I start to question this, question that.

At the end it drains all my energy.

Idk what's with me. But when everything's right, everything's definitely not right. Like it's not possible to be great. Life wants to kill us all. It wants us to be happy, then one day, take everything away, and make us empty. Yeah that's me. I'm back.

Don't get too happy. Just don't. The voices never leave. Yep they're back too. They were gone for a short while, but they're back now.

.

My head goes crazy at times. Most times. I still think of him. It doesn't hurt too much, usually it's okay to just have him flashing across. Sometimes it just gets more. Conversations. I think of our old talks. Everything, when he told me bout his mom. And what his mom said.

Sometimes my phone misses him. It's like I type this one word. The next suggestion would be "woodpecker". Hey, phone. You gotta move on too you know? Move on. Forget about him. There's no more woodpecker. There's no more wood.

And the sad songs. Related or not, he'd appear like that. Then the songs just get sadder. But at the end of the day, I deeply accept how we've become. How we made it end this way. Like hey that was such a previous history, and I'm never gonna forget it. It'll be in my head from time to time, but it's not gonna make me go mad like I used to. It's just... A memory.

And it's okay because it's the best we could do.

.

Nope you're better than that. There's another one and a half an hr lecture. That's all. Let's think abt the good things.

It will not last forever, cuz one day, we definitely die. We just have to wait until that day comes. I'd probably die young, so it'll be soon. Just he patience. Yep really patience.

No do Not skip chem. What else can I do?

I hate everyone.

Seriously! It won't last forever. Yeah. Yeah. Just wait. Maybe if one day I pray hard enough I could die right after a night sleep. It would be a blessing, not a curse to myself. But what do I do to deserve the shortest escape route?
Ha. Ha.