Update

I met cinnamon last last friday. It wasn't an intensional plan, but yeah. Moon had it planned, and told me just awhile before the meet.

I missed her. Haha. She has a lot of sense. I kinda see pineapple in her. They're very alike, I guess. Crazy outgoing, crazy.

She asked, how's loong and all of them. I said, I decided to cut contact because something happened. She said, wow. That decision, must be made due to something big. Yes. Quite big I guess, since even yip man, pineapple, arrogant doesn't know the full story.

I updated her too briefly I felt bad. So I took a while to think. Should I tell her about it? I was with her ex. It wasn't a very nice topic. Of course, I skipped the part where I didn't tell my besties too. It's too much.

Cinnamon was like, I know his pattern! So hard to find someone who understands. Hahha. She does. Anyway. Seeing her happy with a new boy makes me happy for her. Haha. Very! She's not like he imagined. He twisted his words, twisted our minds, to make us all think that he's the poor fucking victim. Oh well, fuck off.

Everyone's going to sg. I kinda wanna go sg too. But Idk. Gosh. I don't wanna see ET at all. I don't want any chance to bump into him. I'd play stranger if that happens. But like I always told people, never make decisions based on people.

So ET's presence won't make me not wanna go anywhere. I'd just pray I'd never bump into him. Or I'll carry a knife anywhere I go. He's a piece of shit, and I will never unhate him for what chaos he caused.

My first ex? Want updates about that?
There's actually no update. Hahahhahahaha. We texted via fb messenger a little bit. Then one day, I forgot to reply him because I didn't know how to reply him at that time. So now the conversation's kinda hanging there, but I don't mind tho. So be that way I guess? I'm fine with that.

Moving on over him is doing super well. He doesn't come across my mind daily anymore. Not even occasionally. It's becoming a rare thing. Very rare! Thank god we never went karaoke together. That would cause flashbacks on songs, like how it did for loong.

I miss loong more than I miss my ex. Hahahahahaha. How cool is that.

Still msm

I'm not talking about the game. It's the people. Too cute.

A while ago, snow said he used 10 alts to farm for his main. F2p's way of being hardcore. I find it nice that I'm not really being annoying, asking for tips. Cuz sometimes he'd initiate a convo too, which is nice. Last week he talked abt pogo. Gosh he plays pogo! So I asked for the trainer code, tada. Found his real identity. His name. Stalker level 50. He's actually pretty good looking.

Another girl I know from msm. I don't really know her. Only by her ign, NaturePeach, a wind archer. My bishop goes ed with her time to time. I don't know how she doesn't mind going with me. She's level 137. But last time I checked, I have a stronger weapon. She even witnessed my rise. That day itself when I spent 40M to upgrade my weapon, she messaged me, "you got a new wand". Haha. Another day, she asked whether I participate guild forts. I said yeah if the slots doesn't get filled up. Then she said, my attack's quite high tho. Thanks nature! As a f2p you have no idea how much effort that means. I'm just happy onigiri doesn't treat me like I'm a burden. I am, the only active bishop anyway. Haha. NaturePeach has a strong guild too. SymphomySG. She even has the blue badge. zai. Haha. Yesterday her level 138 bishop NatureOcean found my alt. We went for MM and she asked, is there another Arya? I asked her, are you NaturePeach? It's a small world! So many channels, and there we met each other.

Snow has his road to mythic. I wonder if I have such day. Evan's out today, prolly around noon. I hate myself for waking this early. So excited tho. Haihhh.

Xiaoboy was still being a little cheesy. He knows that I don't really like him being like that. But he's getting lesser anyway. We're more like being long lost msm friends now. Too awesome!

It was scary seeing onigiri masters getting tired. Ven said he's shag already. Means sien. But then guild races daily 9pm kinda kept all our spirits up I guess. Kept me motivated to get myself full legendary set. Kept Ven motivated to continue. Xiaoboy was more shag. As a f2p living in among p2w, he broke it, and cashed a little. Damn. I think now the only f2p would be snow and I. Hard road ahead. But good thing xiaoboy cashed, now he's keeping up the spirits better. And his character is freaking good looking.

I like how maintaining good guild rank gets us crystals. Crystals that only can be bought by cashing. I got my 100 crystals last night. I remember getting it before, few months ago. And I spent them all to give bishop Arya a cute outfit and hat. Yes it's quite waste. but it's necessary! I play the game due to it's cuteness. It the hat armors make my Arya's cute hairstyle worthless, then how long can I go on? So now I just have to think what I should do with those crystals. Too precious!

Msm

I dont actually have a thing for xboy. It was just fresh. A new online friend. Something quite new to me. Plus, onigiri. Oh my. Onigiri is like the friendliest gamers. I don't really know other gamer groups. But this guild... It's strangership goals.

We have this team thingy. Xboy added me into it. Pretty sure I've mentioned it before. I realized, I'm not actually "not hardcore". I'm just a blur person without gaming backgrounds, but not crazy to the extent that I'd find them all out. It's now that I'm stucked at certain level, not having enough coins, which is why I started getting curious.

Xboy can't answer some of my questions, cuz he's not that crazy. So I private messaged snow. A guy from onigiri. Most people there cashed, aka pay to win. While snow was one of the free to play peeps. I'm f2p too. Gaming term. A lot to absorb. So I'd ask him and he'd advice me.

It's funny how a group of strangers meeting up via a small game, are getting more and more interactive, actually slowly being friends. Idk how old onigiri is. But it wouldn't be too old. The game's out for four months. We know each other's ig, means character name. They call me Arya. It's funny. But I kinda feel like Arya now. Arrogant said, bet I'd turn my head hearing Arya being called.

Onigiri's one of the most active chats I have rn. I think they have daily 100 over messages. Some of them were pretty talkative, but I'm a silent reader. I read each and every message, I do reply, just rarely. Hhaahaha.

Xboy was jealous of snow when I mentioned I asked him tips. Crazy ass. But I kinda like snow. He seems like a very nice guy. Just like xboy, our conversation was beyond just msm. I kinda liked talking to snow more. Xboy was too dry. Fucking hell. Starting to annoy me.

I find it cool that I actually didn't have to care much about how people would judge me that I'm playing msm or pogo. Because, people are still playing. I'm not a weird person. I'm following the trend while I don't even know it's the trend.

Best thing is knowing new friends tru this. And you can be real, because they don't even know you. We know Each other by our ingamenames. Ign. I'm pretty envious abt their meeting up date tho. It's like a blind date with a group of people that you know by their fancy names. Ppppp. Punch. Snow. Fruitymilk. Flowermilk. Kopimilk. Marshy. Nightknight. Ven. Robinstixx. Breadstick. Loss. Arya. Zyee. Ebikosushi. Xiaoboysukau. They're the cutest squad with all ages. I'd like to go sg to meet them too. Haha. Awesome peeps.

Xboy

I'll call him xboy, since his character name was xiaoboysukau. Haha. I think we're two of the not so hardcore peeps in the guild. I need soo much guidance. So many new terms, new info. I aa a casual player, couldn't take so much in such short time.

It's funny how we open up so easily to strangers. I told yip man soooo much, at the beginning, because I don't even know her. Same goes to xboy. I kinda told him a little too much. But he's soo not judgemental. We're quite straight to each other I think. No filter. No dramas. He actually said, he's having a thing towards me. HAHA. Can we trust people we know from the internet ? I don't know. But he can be a pen pal. Texting buddy. Ahha. It's a whole new experience.

I thought the rest from the guild was that friendly as well. I was starting to think, my character has such low level, do I deserve to be in this guild? I'm not using money on the game. But some of them are. So I was like one of the most inexperienced ones. I can have high level but still be the worst in the results of certain group tasks. Idk how I can contribute. Haha. But they're actually nice enough to teach me. I'm like "I'm so sorry I'm better at dying" and they'd be "you'll get the hang of it".

But anyways the point. I'll go back to xboy. Heh. He's actually nice. I kinda like him. Not the crazy kind of like like. But yeah. He's nice. We had very relaxing convos. Hm. I wonder how we could turn out. Long lasting texting buddies? Or it's just for a couple weeks. Maybe we'd even meet up one day. And it's gonna be super cool.

MS

Yesterday was full of ups and downs. Last baddy got me slept super late. Around 4am? My ex's messages got me stressed. Not actually.. I was just really speechless on how disinterest he's gotten. Giving up every hope.

I woke up with his long message, his whining message again. Fucking hell. I don't mind if you cry. But it's not okay for him to be so arrogant. Not with me. I probably hasn't typed this fast, this muc, in a long time. It came out fast because I was freaking awake. Next time, his messages definitely can wake me up instantly.

No one has the right to tell me what I should be thinking. Because, do you even know what I'm thinking? Time and money are the most important ones? Hah. I remember telling ET and loong, gosh I'm extremely worried about myself not getting a job. What do I do if that happens? Idiot. To think back about that, I was an idiot. I'm a student. If I work hard on building a good character, a good attitude, why would I not find a job? So why spend all the time worrying, overthinking, instead of focusing on the presence which could build my future? I've learned that. He hasn't. He's still crying. And he doesn't admit to that. Understandable, male pride. They always think they're the best. He said I act like I don't know anything. Fucking hell. Am I supposed to act like god? That's not what a girlfriend was supposed to do. I guess he'll never see the efforts. I, as a person with such attitude, did all I could to lower down that me, to protect his stupid pride. He was pampered in that manner. But I think I've made myself extremely clear. Now I'm not his gf. I don't have to care about his pride. It doesn't hurt feelings. I have nothing to lose.

I went home right after class, grandma was pretty happy. My mood was peak. I was crazy hapi. And then, I gained a new friend from ms. Thought he was cute. HAHA. I'm not saying the appearance. It's the expressions, the wordings, stuff. A Singaporean, 20 year old. He talked like he's definitely into me. But I know it's a joke, since we "had a thing" during the game. Haha. I can't believe I accepted his trade on insta, so we became friends, and kinda conversed till night.

When my fam came home, I kinda told them about menshoe's story. And told mom about my ex's words and my replies. She was quite satisfied on what I said. Ahah.. and she said, I have the ability to help him. Cuz the situation is fucking obvious. He has brain issues and he needs help. But if I attempt to help him, I would need help too. I'd develop brain issues too. I definitely don't want that. I love myself too much that I don't have time to care about such person. I care but I don't have time and ability. Mom doesn't understand my pain. Ish.

Badminton was pissful. I don't know. I'm sorry. I waited for chicken for about an hour. More than that, actually. I kinda lose patience. I didn't talk to him at all during those drives, because I didn't feel like talking. I probably looked freaking mean. But I didn't scold anyone. That's the most I can do I guess. But still. I kinda felt bad for losing patience. Well.. it's not like I'm a patient person. I'm grumpy. But these.. uh.

Do you wanna supper?
No.

Usually I'd say, anything. I'd join even if I don't eat. I'm sorry about that. It's not your fault. It's my attitude issue. Needing some changes. Ugh. Sorry.

Last baddy in inti 2018.

It was a dramatic one. Yeah it is. There was menshoe, jon snow, forever win, cham, me, ronan, and her squad.

I got nervous for nothing, because he didn't show up. It has pros and cons. I really didn't want him to hurt himself more. I also didn't wanna let him see me hurt myself too, since I'm lobbing and smashing again. That's the pros. He'd be safe, unhurt. And.. it's a dramatic night for menshoe, our history shouldn't be part of the drama. It's her day. I can't act that way. I can't be off. Cons? I couldn't see him. I'd never know whether I can, look him in the eyes and be perfectly okay. But I know the answer anyway. Why do I torture myself like that ?

I was really nervous. They be like "you conflicting." Yep. But thank god he didn't show up. We only have one court, for five girls five guys. This is a little too many peeps. But we added an hour, so all is well. It's a fun session. I was a little off, still. I hoped to see him. I was definitely off. Jon snow was off too. Too funny. Cham and forever win versus jon and I. It's like so hard. We can't beat them at all. We'd be constantly discussing strategies, how he should hit, how I should hit. But yeaaah. We can't win. Forever win has his name at his side. Forever win. He's more playful than we first know each other. He wouldn't do that at first. Haha. Then ronan has a huge space for improvement. I'm actually excited for her. She needs to play with these people more, and she'd improve crazily. I'm sure already. Cham is good, full of mistakes but good. Like me. HAHA. UHM. We're pretty good. Menshoe still needs to learn footwork. I have a feeling I'd make her come to fcuc to fix her footwork.

After everything, there was those bright lights. It's overdramatic. But it's suited for this. Menshoe has her speech. She's retired from BC secretory, while I'm basically stepping up. She had her very open talk. I was quite shocked she'd say those words in front of us all. It's really sweet of her. She thinks I'm patience. That is so... Rare. Nobody thinks I'm patient. I was never patient. I actually do filter. I'm an impatient, straightforward person. I'll be honest. I'll be open. But of course, not completely. I do consider people's feelings when I say things. No matter what, my words will reflect my personality. But at the same time, I'm not gonna offend everyone in the world isn't it? Spread positivity, look into the positive parts. Keep the negative sides in. We know things seem bad here and there. But everyone make mistakes, we're not their someone to be blaming. We maintain our qualities, we don't have to be in this world to make everyone feel bad about themselves. We encourage each other.

She said what type of person she used to be. Impatient, grumpy, short tempered with a shitty attitude. I can actually picture that well. It's not unbelievable. It's just unbelievable at the admitting part. It's not easy for us to admit how shitty we used to be. And she did it. I'm really happy for her. Maturity at its finest. It's also really... Touching to see that change. Well done, carmen. Her parents will be proud. Her friends would be lucky. She said she had mental issues. That is for real. She was anorexic for a short period. She was actually extremely emotional. I think menshoe is all of us. I think we all have that stage. She as an introvert turned into this person. This crazy smiling person. Gosh, I'm actually really happy seeing this kind of change. Well, I didn't really see it all. We see the changed her. And it's already super cool. Idk what makes me admire her, but I do. Like a lot. Her long long speech. Lasted until we were hungry.

So we continued at the mamak near maboro. We really have the tendency to chit chat until forever. And they're hilarious. Ronan's twin was a little emo at that time. But she slowly got over it and joined the cheerful conversation. That was the point I was actually relieved that my ex did not show up. He'd skip supper anyway. But... Everything will not be the same. He's a negative person. Super negative. I'm glad I left him. I'm relieved. If he can still affect me now, imagine what he'd do to me if we never even broken up. Disaster. Anyway we talked about fighting, baddy tactics, thinking, our old badminton club, hostel life. Roommates, little shitty habits. Dirty toilets. Lecturers. It's all good talk.

It's cool how ys claims we're gonna improve because we do discussed about it. And that will definitely improve us. It's leaving opinions behind. It's being acceptable to change. It's growing up in terms of baddy. HAHA. How cool was that. Damn. How do you find such a humble person who plays so well like him? Rare.

Menshoe's making me reflect on myself. I hated myself too. Ive been a bad child to my family too. I've been a bad student. But here I am, desperately trying to be better now. Being a good grandchild to grandma, staying with her just to not let her feel lonely. Being patience to my family. Being a student whos working hardest to be on the top. Being a humble baddy player. I'm trying. I'm seriously trying to be the best. It's hard, but it's doable. How about in terms of people?

I said something about hating peeps. I think I'm okay with some of them. I think I'm getting okay with people. Even boys. I don't hate them anymore. Im just a little scared. I don't wanna lose myself again. Here I have my close friends in my course. I did badly tho. I only got to be with the ipoh girls, and the Dsaui's. The rest... I don't know. Did race separate us? I don't know. We're still friends, just friends that don't know each other. It's a crazy life. Being close with people is tiring, especially when you had a long shitty history. My fam, mother side, father side, dad's company, yukchai, dj, to A levels, and now. Each phase has a tiny bit ot dramas, but most of them actually involve baddy, peeps I know from baddy. I don't even know why. I'm just relieved that life is improving. I just know that I thank every single incident. Still, exception: ET case. The case I never mentioned to anyone.

Next year's gonna be really tough. The more people you get close with, the more tiring. I'm going to be part of the committees. Life was already pretty tiring with so much baddy session with them, meanwhile trying to top my grades. But actually happy, content, satisfying. Plus being a committee Includes responsibilities. That's gonna tire me to death. So much to take care of. And menshoe. I'm not planning to say goodbye. We're going to meet, weekly, I hope. She could take lrt to kj lrt so we can baddy at fcuc. I'm determined to help with her footwork. Hopefully she's determined to improve. Then that would be much easier. This friend here, is a keeper. I've forgotten the last time seeing someone talk with that kind of heart. That pureness. We're all kind people, isn't it? Baddy can unite people, it always did anyway. So why not? 

From today I actually noticed. The committees are a bunch of peeps with great attitudes. All are keepers. Still unsure about mr soya cuz he never showed up. Uhm. But the rest, could be lifelong friends. So precious.

I feel really sad for my ex, wrongfully judging them. They're great peeps, and he lost the opportunity to have these people in his life. But his attitude, makes him lose everyone anyway. Idk bout his previous exes. But I'm gonna be one of them who'd keep giving. Just because, I care this much. Idk how he doesn't see it. But sokay, I'm used to it. Some people reject love. And they cry about the world not loving them. It's dumb. He's dumb. I have to make sure my life doesn't revolve around dummies. So I guess I have to keep running, stay away from him. I gave all I could, right? There are no regrets. The outcome is great. It's time to move on. I didn't get back both our smiles. I can sense him suffering. But at least I'm not the reason he's suffering anymore. And at my side, his suffering should not affect me. His suffering doesn't meant I have to suffer with him. I didn't get back our smiles, but I guess I got back mine. I've never been so free in such a long time.

Life has been really busy, content. But also, healthy and happy. We'll stay in touch, menshoe. And hopefully working closely with jon and ys wouldn't make me hate them. We're all baddy lovers with strong passion. And we're all grown up enough to be humble, to be ready to learn. It's a cool thing, you know.

Fuck blogger.

He might be a good friend. But not a good bf. He's living here in inti for intern, which explains why I bump into him so frequently. Which is why he came to see me compete. Which is why he texted me a little. These all have reasons, and it's because: convenience.

Don't be overconfident yh. He's not having second thoughts. He's just shitty person who has no sense of directions. He doesn't know that what he's doing, is inappropriate. He never thought about his gf when he asked me out for baddy. He never thought about her when he asked me out for dinner. If you mind, do you think she wouldn't? He's part ass part idiot. More towards idiot. Being so dumb makes him an ass.

I told him to join us instead.
It's for the last time anyway.

I told menshoe, he might join. And I'm a little scared. I was trying to tell him not to join, since his arm is in a worse shape than mine. But he doesn't care.
It's for the last time anyway, he said.

I told menshoe. Please tell the squad to take care of him. He thinks his arm can't be saved, so he'd get himself hurt even more, he'd play fully without being careful, and he'd hurt himself. And I don't want that to happen.

I hate that I care so much, menshoe was like "Aw, I'm so happy that I'm your friend." Well, he's my favorite person afterall. Who'd want to see their fav person suffer? His negative mindset is incurable. I couldn't help him back then, his current girl doesn't seem to help too.

I'm honestly scared of seeing him. Maybe I texted him a little more, so I'm less affected already. But seeing him is a different story. It requires looking at his face. Imagine all the memories. Even his back affected me. What can happen? It's almost finals. Is this even appropriate?

It's for the last time anyway. If he appears, it's final. After this week, he's no longer here. And there won't be chances bumping into each other. No chances to trigger him, so he'd completely stop texting me. That would be great. It'll be like a last experiment for me. Hypothesis: To study the ability of yh to be unaffected by her ex. Conclusion? Im scared.

But I guess I still want to have a proper look at him. Like.. is he really happier now? Then I'd know, whether it was a good decision on breaking up.

I feel like I'm slowly learning to think, recently. About everything. Since when did that happen? It's like when people tell me about grudges held from primary school... Man, that was ages ago, shouldn't you have grown up to look pass these stuff? And when someone told me about how much he "loves" someone. Oh my. I felt like giving a huge slap and yelling in his face. What do you know about love? Idiot.

Baddy is love. But you still get to see many boys, OLDER THAN ME but the thinking is like... KIDS. You people need some real traumatic experiences for you to grow up. I've seen that boi going after my bff. I'm not judging without source. He doesn't even know her. Well people change. Who knows whether it's the same case? I know. Haha.

Bois complaining about the entire sport and school was just as worse. One teacher looked down on you, doesn't reflect on the entire school, and that shouldn't make you hate the sport. Or get traumatized by it. It can make you angry. So you play hard, play well. When people laugh at you, it shows that they have shit personality. But if you get defeated by just that, you're just as weak. Stand up like a winner. Train like a winner. Shine like a champ. Let them be like... Oh, you're so good. Make them be embarrassed of themselves. Make them cry. That's how. People will attack you even when you're good. Get used to that, grow. Shine.

Friends. If something can make you hate the sport, maybe you never really liked the sport afterall. Cuz if you love something, nothing will make you hate it. Even if you hate it for a little while, you'll miss it. You wouldn't blame all the damage it caused. You thank it for all the lessons, experiences. You never give up on it.

Gosh I'm not describing love towards a person but wow sounds like it. Lol.

Yh you must be out of your mind.

We're talking with a casual conversation from social media.
Now we're talking about badminton?
Have you not learned your lesson?

Voices. Sometimes I don't remember that they used to be present so frequently. They've been gone for so long, that's how long I have my peace.

He said he wanted to intro forever win to me. And it seems we're destined to know each other. That's pretty cringey. The boy has his girl. Besides thinking, "He's a freaking god", I don't have second thoughts.

I think we've been playing baddy daily.
Well..  it happens. It happened to me. And this, my arm. This happened.

Maybe we all gotta get deeply broken to realize what are the real important stuff.

I'm supposed to finish two and a half chapters today. Suddenly, I was honked when I walked back alone, because I had a stomach ache. I had a stomach ache so I told the girls to go back first. And my ex saw me. Striked up a conversation. Asked me out to baddy.

I said yes of course. I said, it's okay if he joins. But is it okay? I don't know.

I'm a little scared. I'm a little messed up internally. Maybe it's not okay. I don't know. Mixed mixed ass feelings.

Am I ready to see him?

Love if exes cant become friends, angry if you think they can.

There was majority angry reactions. I gave a love. Exes cannot become friends.

They can't.

There was one moment I thought of ET. There were countless moments I thought of my first.

No matter what they did. I will look pass them all, and we're back to the original spot. Forgive and forget if you want to move on, isn't it ?

Yh please. You broke up because you want peace. Now there is peace. The main purpose is already done. We're both happy. What's with the knot in my stomach? What's with the mixed feelings?

No. This is wrong. Wrong.

I think you should quit your job and go become a coach. But with your shitty temper..... Nevermind haha.

But if you're willing to learn, I'd have patience.

I've cried enough for my entire life. What's left is all the laughs, I'm over that phase.

I think you're 20000x more dedicated towards baddy than studies.

You have no hope in baddy, do you even see yourself improving? You're still at the same spot, like always.

You should take a good one month rest from baddy, for baddy!

I'm sorry. This is the way I motivate sportsmen. Anger is motivation, guess it doesn't work for you.

Those who want to baddy should just baddy. Never give up on what you love.

Oh you're now under that coach. If you don't improve, you should probably quit badminton, cuz that coach is a winner in life.

So did you see improvements?
I did.
Am I still hopeless?

Last baddy in BC for 2018

Today issa good day. I woke up with extreme heavy rain. I woke up? I don't even know whether that was considered woke up. I had a test today, you know... The plan is, tomorrow test? No sleep today. However... I was crazy exhausted from seeing how bad I did for micro. A little bit defeated. So I had great nap in the library yesterday, and wasted like the entire day doing nothing. I only started studying at midnight. Well. The rain was a good sign. And so, we studied recomb during micro. I can clearly see why I couldn't get good grades for micro. That's why. But recomb was actually easy. Really easy. I made my friends stressed out by testing them. So fun lol. And then, it was actually an easy paper. Hopefully unlike micro, I'd get better marks.

My classmates, ipoh girls actually supported me to go for menshoe's secretary post. Still considering. And for the clinic follow up, it was actually okay..i can increase to 1kg now. I hope I can do it. It defeats me to the max. Haih. I saw guan and he invited me to baddy tonight. I was thinking, I'd be on time because I want to play crazily. And guess what? Today issa good day, but not a perfect day. I had my perfect nap, and packed. My car was filled with ANTS. I wanna cry. I spent like... Half an hour trying to sweep them away, and... And.. I gave up. The car was left there in front of mph, with ants. And they fucking bite.

I went into the hall, saying I'm devastated. My car is filled with ants. And they be like "It's normal! Inti has a lot of ants." What the actual fuck. Forever win said he had that experience, and he just parked for a short while. I parked for a fucking week. So how do I get rid of them? "You don't. They will go away," with a smirk. What. Forever win was actually friendly. He just has a resting bitch face, so people are scared of him. Ronan is a little scared of him. I can sense that completely. It's so funny. I liked how today went. Menshoe wasn't around because she's so busy! I was thinking it's the last playing session so they'd definitely come. But nah. There was just jon snow and forever win. But it's sufficient. 

There were a few games worth remembering. One, girls vs boys. I told them, let's play handicapped, since my partner can't play, and the boys were aggressive smashers. But without smashing, WE ACTUALLY WON. HAHA. I have a bad arm, so no smash actually completely helps my situation. Cuz its my usual playing style already: no smash. I kinda felt really satisfied. Then was the six games. It wasn't actually six at first. Just three games. I'll call my partner bwkk. Because he looks like my standard six guy friend named bwkk for short. He's quite good, but not better than forever win. So me and bwkk vs forever and ronan. It's two extremely balanced pairs due to my damaged arm. We lost first set, but won the next two. Then, again, same thing happened. I actually smashed. I can't resist anymore. I know I was making my partner's life a little hard cuz the opponents are stronk. So I did more. Heh. Sooo satisfying. It was six good games. Forever win is sooo stronk. I dislike how he taught his partners each game, he taught menshoe alot, he also taught ronan. Bwkk was convincing me he didn't teach me cause I played right, there was no need for him to teach. Ahahahah. Sounds sweet. But I wish I learn a little more from him still. He ran a lot today, and he said, he's trying to make himself run more. Cuz he has the brain, so running too much wasn't that necessary. Envious. I need the brain, man.

"Take the opportunity greatly rest your arm for this hols, cuz it seems like what you can hit is quite limited." He's right. I can't do much with the arm like this. It's annoying, it's boring. It hurts. Haih. It hurts. I needa heal fast, you know. Like instantly. I need my arm back. It hurts.. Jon snow was constantly laughing at my ant incident. I'm broken. I feel so... Tired when I opened the doors, seeing those ants happily walking around. "Just live with them peacefully." Oh god. why me. Menshoe was really late, but she still came. That's nice. She's actually needed. Her voice makes the atmosphere a positive one. Haha. She said she's making me assistant secretary. So I said, alright I'll take the job. I wonder how would it be. It's gonna be tiring. I'm going to be busy. Haih. Who cares? You can't retake some stuff. Stuff like these. I'm definitely not going to commit on my final year, so I better take it before my final year. Makes a lot of sense. Jon said they'd happily offer the job to capable peeps. HAHA. What makes them think I'm capable? I have a higher expectations for myself. It's just me. Nobody's pressuring me, and I do it for myself. So maybe, yeah. Maybe I'll be capable.

Life is good without ants. Badminton was extremely fun. I had a little fall, because I tripped onto myself. Gosh, too embarrassing. But it's better than being hurt. That trip was like the most... Unlethal one I've had in all my life. The most harmless fall. Yes I'm okay, didn't you see I got back up and continued playing. But then, I was a little off after it. Got me distracted, a little nervous. Today my form was pretty good, that I actually could count the score for everyone, quite well. Haha. Sooo rare!

Focus is the key. Do it, do it, do it. Says lalita.

4.0

I screwed up.

I remember I was actually happy when I got into Dean's list on first semester. Now I really hate myself for not getting into Presidents list back then. It was so much easier to get a GPA 4.0 compared to now. Even tho I successfully maintained my 3.5 above grade, I can't get a 4.0 in any single one semester. I was supposed to get it this sem. But I fucked micro test2. I thought it was easier???? It was illusion. Oh my god. I remember being so upset after micro test1, but obviously more relaxed in test2. Why was the outcome so different? I'm improving. I'm trying so hard to remind myself. I used to be the one that's reversely top ten in Balau. My worst grades were back then in form 5. But I'm rising. Ever since the last few months of form5, I'm going back up. Even in A levels. I did better than Spm. It's a miracle that I got into Dean's list. Stop pushing so hard. Why am I like this? It doesn't feel right. I don't think it's right to tell myself to stop pushing so hard. I have to push harder. I want to prove my capabilities. I wanna be a top student for once in my life. But it's so impossible.

I've overestimated myself. Well, a 4.0 is still possible. Just that I have to try getting 90% in finals, for micro. And make sure I don't fuck up other subjects. Is that possible? Yes it is. But it's so risky. But it's just one subject I just have to ace that and 4.0 is mine. Haih. Why did I do so badly in micro test2? Other subjects were either consistently good or improving. I'm honestly disappointed when I tapped in bb. So shocking. I hope she calculated wrongly. Haih. TT

I just wanna be a perfect person for once. Sometimes I don't even know whether it's a good thing. People have high confidence in me on academics. My classmates seek help from me because they think I'm one of the top, which is so far, partially true. In baddy, I haven't reach my target yet. Of course, which such arm, what am I gonna achieve? But still, I'm slightly on the path. People don't want to play against me. People might not know my name, but they don't want to play against me. How about social? My friends actually admire my straightforwardness. I will be open, true, honest with a big heart. They ask me for opinions. Menshoe's desperately convincing me to join the committee team because she thinks I have the capabilities and I'm responsible. I've rejected multiple times, but she's still trying. Should I go for it? I don't know. Family wise, my sister recently said "you've grown up!" I don't know why. I'm trying to be the good girl at home. I stayed down with my fam whenever I could, because we have so little time together. I don't think there is much I can do, but when I can do something, I'd do. I think, everything seems like it's on the right track. I'm being with people. I'm working well on academics. I'm trying to improve my attitude in life, facing everything. Not enough but still I'm doing it. I'm not afraid of not finding a job in the future. I have my qualities. People would want a person like me. And I am definitely super weird. Weird is different, and different is... Better than being the flock of sheep.

Am I perfect yet? No I'm not. But life seems quite content, even tho I have the time to daydream all day and consider getting things done, I think... It's still extremely tiring, because I still have emotions. I'm not capable of killing all feelings. I daydream because I overthink. I don't really get my days fucked up, but... I fucked up by wasting a loooot of time which I'm supposed to be able to do so much more than I'm already doing.

Life. There is no such thing as a perfect person. I'm in a clear state of mind, so that I realized many many things, why my ex left me the first time. Why things didn't work out after that but I became so much calmer than I was. Why ET played me. I now, know everything. You can try to be the perfect person, grow up faster and look at everything differently. And... There's nothing else to be upset.

I've did my best for micro. I'll work harder for finals. No such thing as giving up. If I could go from a student without ANY achievement, to have achievement in each aspect with a big smile, then what else can't I do? Some people think you're doing it wrong because if you're on the right track it would be hard, and you would suffer to the max while a smile is impossible. I call that bullshit.

Thing is, you can strive, but be happy at the same time.

What exactly is growing up? Define it. I don't know. It definitely has something to do about change.

Someone used to yell at me, Grow up! You have yet to see the real world. Etc. It disgusts me. Who do you think you are to expect that you know the real world? Sorry, I'm extremely judgemental. It just sounds funny when people said that, especially when they act like kiddos. But it's alright, cuz we don't argue with kiddos. We nod, and move on.

The real world. I had a bunch of old friends, remember? Although they did a lot of filter, they were still keen to boost my exposure. Haha. Great people. We're still friends, just out of contact. I know, I know. I'm so volatile. I'm sorry. People change really fast. One sec I hate him, another sec I'm going to treat him well. One sec I want to cut off contact tru social media, another sec, social media means nothing cuz friends will remember.

I see the "real world" through them, honestly. Still full of inevitable drama. Financial issues. Relationship issues. Friendship issues. They're all still there. Cuz don't expect everyone to grow. There are still kiddos like you out there. And they'd initiate drama. But the main point is their attitude towards all these chaos.

They're not afraid. If there are shits ahead and all you gonna do is be scared, then natural selection will take you first. Positivity is the key. And friendship aids that. No matter what happens, you have a bunch of crazy bros who'd be by your side, supporting you no matter what. What's there to be afraid?

We will be generous, kind and open. Try new things, as long as you're not harming someone, what's the big deal? Back to the start, what do you gain from insulting someone? From proudly announcing how matured you are and even reminding someone how scary the real world is? So arrogant. You know it all? Good for you. Maybe, stay in that negative bubble of yours and cry.

Are you gonna tell primary school kids to stop having fun cuz you have to hold time so tightly preparing to be a working person financially supporting his family?
Are you gonna tell highschool active kids stop being active on stupid things because they aren't gonna help with their future?
Are you gonna tell college kids to start stressing out for the working life and stop smiling?
If you're gonna live the future, it doesn't mean stop living in the presence. It doesn't mean stress out all you can because that's how matured kids are!

If you're gonna live the future, make sure you live now. Worrying about the future's gonna ruin your nows, isn't it? So how much did you really lived? Such a sad life. Don't expect everyone's gonna be so negative announcing how worried they are about the real world. We are in the real world. We know, and it's why we're surviving. Being arrogant doesn't help you in the real world.

I know the risks of choosing biotech. I made my decision anyway. So, I will make this journey one that allows me to learn to the max. There will be no regrets, no "I should've"s. People will come and wreck me up, but that's gonna show how insecured they are. Worry about your own life instead of trying to negatively affect someone else on theirs. If spreading hate is the only thing you can do, then it's really sad for you, cuz I'm still gonna shine, and you're gonna stay in there.

Don't think you're the only one growing up.

You looked like you loved to be alone at first. But now, I think you're very loyal to friends.

Love can kill you.
I need to reconsider the meaning of friends. What am I loyal to?

She said that I talk really humorously. Honestly, all I did was saying what exactly happened. My entire life is a joke. I remember how my sister couldn't breathe laughing at how I described what happened before I decided to break up with him. Was it funny? I cried. It's great you find it funny. It means I succeeded making it all sound fine. I had a way to phrase it the way like pain never even occurred. It's called pretending. And when they laugh, the environment wasn't that tensed up. They wouldn't feel too bad, I wouldn't feel sad. It's a win win.

I'm actually afraid. What's gonna happen when you leave? I sticked to girls. But I don't think vhoi (future secretary) can be that easy to be with. She's not that pure. I like pure peeps. They remind me that this pureness haven't went extinct. It feels sweet to see peeps full of enthusiasm, so cute and energetic. Of course the boys aren't like this.. I wasn't even kidding when I said I have some hatred towards males. It's not all gone yet. But it's partially gone. I need to live, and that hatred is not gonna be helpful. Badminton is a huge part of my life, while... Boys are part of badminton. I can't run forever. I can be extremely careful to prevent chaos tho. Which is what I'm doing rn.

I'm a sentimental person. I'm not that heartless. But I know that I appear heartless. Some parts of that sentimental me was taken, hidden somewhere. Idk what happened to it. It only appears at late midnight or when alcohol is involved. Is that even okay?

Straightforward is my character. But I'm not even real. Or am I? I am. Sometimes I'm really confused on what happened to me. Am I back to normal? Cuz my overall days seemed okay. I could even be considered as happy. I had zero filter, so some friends like to ask me weird pg18 questions, while my answers definitely meet their dirty expectations. What do you expect? I'm not that pure. Inside out, top to toe. I did so many things, I could literally consider myself as... Adventurous? Somebody claimed I wasn't exposed to enough new stuff. But little do you know, I'm completely open to try new stuff. You can see the amount of times I've died, and you'll know. It's a good trait I guess.

I feel like I'm living in a movie. Not drama! Movie, cuz everything happened quick. It just seemed slow cuz pain feels like forever. I had the craziest three years of my life, I think I'm already exhausted. I looked at those bottles everyday, thinking, I wanna drink. But I didn't. I looked at old photos a lot, thinking that I miss them but I'm not that sad anymore. She said that it was really different when she starts to know me compared to the beginning. Honestly, it wasn't so different. I was different too. Maybe you know me now, but you don't know me next month. My mindset can so fast like changing clothes, it scares me.  I don't even know myself.

All will be well. I hope.
At form 2, I thought I had the most dramatic form 1 life due to the transition issue.
At form 4, I thought I had the most dramatic form 2 -3 life due to rivergrass crush.
At college, I thought I had the most dramatic form 5 life due to one break up.
At the end of college, I thought I had the most dramatic college life due to how unclean the breakup was.
Now in uni, sem4, I think the most dramatic parts only started since our first break, up to... Few months ago. It finally ended.

Who knows what I'd think in the future? Now that the transition, rivergrass, they all seemed so insignificant. In five years, hopefully these would seem insignificant too.

Self rant on growing up

Ok I had a crazy decision and decided to scroll fb all the way back to when I was younger, reading tru each posts. I am FUCKING GLAD I turned out to be normal despite all the weirdness that's went tru me. Or maybe.. at least I think I'm normal now, who knows. I'd probably cringe again in 5 years time.

I've had a few phases.

2010, crazy with fb games especially Farmville and restaurant city, which made me desperately share those "Ask for help" posts so that people would send me items. It's sooo embarrassing.

2011-2012, what can I say? It was my.last two years in primary school. The phase when "I love you"s meant nothing at all. I said them too much. I thought everyone in 6S was destined to be lifetime bffs. I posted statuses without using my brain, sometimes spreading weirdness, sometimes spreading hate. Holy shit. I'm a piece of shit. And I was proudly announcing my love for celebs. The cringe........

2013, I was "heartbroken" because my "friends" changed. Duh. Who wouldn't? That's a crazy transition. And I was so... Such an idiot I couldn't move on from such little things? I was "sad" ??? Wtf. Then getting into the library board "Falling in love". Oh my. The world doesn't have to know the phase where I started having meaningless crushes. I realized I was already straightforward since back then. I didn't know how to filter. Maybe that's exactly why some people hated me. Some people, couldn't tolerate my shitty brainless act. I'm so sorry, peeps.

2014, that's when baddy comes into my life. I had much lesser stupid statuses. But my old training mates and I used to converse by posting on each other's timeline? So unnecessary. Sooo extra. The world doesn't have to know. Ew. Still fucking baby, I hated people for no reason? .... I don't even know the young me.

2013, I thought I was deeply in love with someone. Pft. What is love? I still haven't figure it out now, and I talked about love? The reason I judge people when they talk about love. Friends, love is a lie. There is no such bullshit. We're all idiots. Ew. I can't accept what I posted. Only the ones related to baddy are the normal ones. But the way I phrased things still disgusted me. I sounded like a complete brainless. And I hated prefects. I still hate them. But there's no need to spread hate back then. Extremely unnecessary. All the insults. Why? Can't I just use my brain before I post something?

2014, still, it's obvious that I was a hateful little creature. I had crazy short temper. I threw things, posted things. Got sad for stupid things. Wtf. I had been tru nothing, I had no right to say such things. But luckily, there's obvious progress of growing up compared to 2010. I stopped posting nonsense, simply tagging my "friends" and all those stuff. I was starting to know people. Just, at 2014, I still had a wrong concept of relationships. I know nothing. I completely stopped with the celebs part, fortunately! No one has to know. It's stupid to be proud fangirls announcing how good looking certain celebs are.

2015, had my first breakup. I think it's the year I actually stopped posting stupid statuses that can make myself cringe. I only shared posts. Words, quoted by some stupid emo people. Still cringey, but... Much better than how I used to be. It's probably the reason he broke up with me. I didn't see this as a problem back then, but I understand it now. It's definitely a problem. I used to share sweet shits, and fucking emo shits, obvious to the point that the world could always know what's happening. I'm sorry for being that way. The world doesn't have to know. I'm extremely sorry that you had to wake me up in such harsh way, and I had no clue back then. I was still brainless. Still naive. Still cringey. Your friends were right abt me still being a baby, but it wasn't true about the age thingy. Everyone grows up at a different rate. It's just how you deal with me before I reach the normal phase.

2016, got into college. I was still a broken person. But I didn't act like how I used to. Haha. I think some of my posts were still kind of stupid. But yeah, most of my photos had rational captions, just the reshared stupid emo ass quotes which doesn't make sense to me at all rn.  Sokay. Improvement is made.

2017, 2018. I got normal. I'm full of food posts, student stressful posts, cat posts. But... I kinda removed them all because I prefer having memories left on my wall, including photos.

I like how I went from a stupid idiot who simply expressed myself so transparently on fb, into a person who doesn't reveal anything at all. Nothing at all. It's actually a huge change. I remember I got into a shit situation with my older cousin back then because I didn't use my brain before sending messages. His words were like a normal teen's words while mine...... I don't even wanna recall. It's all embarrassing.

I wish I grew up sooner than how it seemed. Maybe a real breakup like that was the way to boost instant grow up progresses. And omg. My English back then was.... cringey, embarrassing, gross. I have no words. I'm not saying I'm super good now, but seriously back then, how do I even get the courage to put such texts online??? I had no shame.

Friendly match w Nilai U

I'm actually enjoying it all.

I'm getting much close to the committees from inti BC. It's funny how menshoe was the only one graduating soon, stepping down from secretary but I have zero intention of getting her post. Looks like it cuz why else would peeps stick to committees? Maybe I was wrong. I was wrong. I remember the way I assumed all the juniors just want to please us AJKs so they'd please us for benefits. Maybe some of them were like how I am rn. Purely just wanted to make friends. Of course I wouldn't take her post. It's secretary. My worst nightmare. Sworn I'm done with it.

Recently I'm realizing that I'm more capable of more than I imagined. All my life, I've been through a rollercoaster change in lifestyle, personalities and capabilities. I went from a super inactive skinny shit person who doesn't exercise, to a badminton addict who could fuck my arm up just because, I enjoy everything. I went from a good girl who only go to malls, to someone who actually binge drank, went to pubs and clubs, smoked, vaped, shisha-ed and came back at latest 5am, then quit everything. I went from socially not so okay to... I guess I'm improving on that because of how straightforward I am, more than I used to be. And usually, I'm so straightforward people enjoyed that. Lol. It's like, we don't need any barrier, we can be truthful. I went from a person with all subjects with the average of 50++ over 100, to someone consistently having GPA of above 3.5. Know how I study? I make notes, tiny notes, up to the tested chapters. As long as I finish the notes, I'll be prepared for the test even if I didn't memorize them madly. I organize, I write, I remember, and revise. And usually, I finish doing notes the day before the test, which is sooooo fucking dangerous cuz that's freaking last minute af. But the outcome was oddly satisfying. I have the tendency to badminton today, and test tomorrow.

I think I'm completely mad.

I honestly really care about my grades. I also care about having fun. Hehe. Both are important! Equally. How can we be a freaking nerd all day? I'm mad.

I really dk what's gonna happen when menshoe's gone. She's the only girl in among the committees. I talk to girls much much more. Idk what are boys. Mostly liars? I don't wanna believe they're those. I'm scared. So I'd talk a lot to girls. I guess I'm used to this. But the committees, we're getting closer. Loong squad is.... gone. Last week, mic actually invited me to baddy. I said no, due to exam which is actually true, but yeah. My arm.. which means, loongs baddy squad still treats me as a friend. But.. we're not exactly friends anymore. We all know that. It's gone when "it" happened.

I kinda told them why I joined the club late. I wanted squads to play. I didn't want to squeeze in the crowds. So I asked smtg like... Whether it's okay to TRAIN with the team. Because I just wanted to play more, hopefully not in the club cuz damn, it's overcrowded. Turned out the team doesn't train. Lol. I end up joining the club. And they said, it's easy to find a squad. Yeah. I found you guys. Target achieved.

They have the tendency to sit there and talk for hours. I remember, last time we did this was with loong, ET, pan. All, gone. But now this, was actually healthier. They were quite shocked hearing how I've been a party animal. Er. Heh. Trying new things is necessary right? We all have that phase. We will have that phase.

Gab broke up with his girl. He's acting a little like voon. Oh god. Please. I'm getting judgemental again. Sorry. There are certain people that I personally think they're annoying. And to these peeps, I'd shoot them without filtering, as long as they can take it. Voon was one. Frog was one. Moon too. Heh. I'm mean. But yeah. This is me. But I didn't shoot Gab. He's too down recently. Chicken too, I shot him a little, then decided to use the soft way as a rational listener. Haha.

Recently I think I'm being too straightforward I scare myself. It's a bit dangerous. But I'm so tired of drama. Fuck them all. I will accept how the flow goes. I'll work hard for what I want to achieve, and be happy. If my ex comes back with a good intention without really actually eating my life up, I will treat him the same. No harsh conversations, just chill ones. Since we broke up, I achieved the peace we needed. So why not continue that peace? That was my original intention anyway, what can I lose?

I'll be fine.

It's cool how forever win can be so humble, while menshoe was actually scared of him for some time. Soya I thought he's a rough guy. But turned out he can be really sweet. Frog's still annoying. Jon snow, I'm still not sure yet. Haha. Ish. Committee squad. Great peeps. I like them. Forever win was like.. the best observer. I don't think he looked fierce, but he doesn't look that friendly either. Cuz some peeps will be cool. That's this guy. Very good at analyzing all situations, but too shy! It would be helpful if we have him to advice us during comps. He told me I actually could beat the champ for singles during inti close. Thanks for that confident haha. Yeah. I thought so. Actually they all said that. It's okay I guess. I'm happy already. Lol. Vhooi might be the next secretary. Another girl with a very strong personality. I actually thought she was a little bit hard to be with cuz that's overly straightforward. I like being straightforward but sometimes... I see the true colours of some peeps, doesn't mean I'd like all of those. Maybe peeps think about me the same way. Not an easygoing person, why else would I get played by two guys right? Too fun isn't it.

Gonna work hard to recover. I like how nilai U peeps were so friendly with us. He told us that we could play together sometimes, we're so close to each other, but lack interaction! True. These are the real passionate peeps. I like them. I don't even know their names lol. Anyway friendly match with them really makes me appreciate inti. Inti has better players, better PHONE RECEPTION, better chance of baddy, better hostel. Nilai U is the real jungle. Holy cow you can't even reach anywhere walking out from the u. It'd be like walking in the Middle of the road surrounded by trees. Remote shit.

Cool senior

I know I was clearly affected. Not completely showing, but I was affected.

I tried to avoid, to hide away, put aside things that I can't really put aside. I won't be able to put aside because that's life. So when he appeared out of expectations, I get everything triggered. It's very much triggered. I can't deny, I miss how things used to be even tho I tried to only remember the depressing parts. I really tried, you know? To remember the harsh words, actions, the shitty treatments, the self harm, the breakdowns, the pain. But that didn't work.

When I didn't try, the most neutral little things were more remembered. It wasn't exactly happy stuff. It's just... Little conversations, little things. No one else had ever told me to drink water every five minutes. No one had ever criticized me so badly to the point I wanna cry, but I wanna improve too. I can't remember how the encouragements were given, they were the most unique ones. The ones that no one have ever thought of. Little things. Even when there were nothing, I could literally smile to the thought of his smiles. I know it was wrong.

But maybe, it would be so much of a suffer if I didn't keep insisting on how wrong these are. It's okay to reminisce. It's okay to not let go completely. We don't unlove someone overnight. We rant to the max because we want to be mad instead of broken. We want to be angry and it would have passed much easily compared to being broken. Maybe, if I try to accept a friend back, it wouldn't be so much of shit.

I've always told every single broken people, don't think. Don't think so much.

Maybe I was wrong. Baddy helped with the distraction, but clearly I was doing it all wrong. I remember too well, I kept trying to get distracted, and it all went haywire. I remember it too well. And I was always running away.

Everything is temporary. But this feeling is not. It's been so long, but how much has it decreased? I don't even know.

It's important for us to realize what we need. I left him because, I knew that being together would hurt both of us, on and on. I left for us both to smile better, and it happened, right? So the purpose was achieved. It was a necessary decision. It was a good decision.

I'll take that offer, maybe he can find the way to heal my arm, and make everything back to the beginning, like how we all used to be, but improved and better.

Back to when we were all happy without needing each other's company.
Back to when I could play baddy without pain.
Back to when I see him, he was just the extremely motivating, admirable cool senior.

I had like.. half a day of daydreaming after that. I actually put micro aside and wasted time doing nothing. What ??

I'm not actually that fucked up. I have to think of something. This putting aside method, it's not working perfectly. These things happen whenever he appears. These things happen whenever I fail to put things aside. It doesn't take long, honestly. Life will bring the stress out of me. I'll get back on track in no time. But is this right? It's like a lie I'm telling myself over and over again, to pretend.

Fake it til you make it?
It's been years. Three years. I've faked it all these time. It partially worked. But I never made it. It's fake. I can act well, but I can't fool myself.
What if you never make it?

"History"
A file that I'll never click in? It's bullshit. I do click in. Once in a very long time. Maybe... Whenever I get the chance to backup the photos from my phone. I see that file. What's the harm?

The harm is always there, because I smiled when I scrolled through them. I smiled. I wasn't supposed to smile. We all know what happens in the end. Smile turns sour. I'd like to convince myself, we can't. He's shit. We're shit. I'm shit. Nope. But that doesn't work too well.

These photos worked like videos. Instant flashbacks. I can remember every single word said during those photos. Even if it's just a figure sitting there, reading the menu. I remember, he said, beef or chicken? Beeeeef or chicken????? It was at papa johns in cp. The shop's no longer there, but the taste, everything else was. It was one of the monsary. I said, I needed motivation, because we just finished some tests and I felt defeated. So he gave his useful talks.

That was at my cousie's place. His poodle jordan. I snapped to him and he said, this looks like my dog. I said, that is, your dog. Hilarious.

And that. When he had dengue. One of the most helpless periods in my life. It kills in and out, when the one you love the most is suffering while you couldn't do anything, not even be by his side.

That...

And that. 

They're just photos. But how do they work so much like videos? Like how the fuck??? 

I remember the first time we break up. I had like 10000000 break downs alone in bed just by picturing him moving on happily with a new girl.

That is something you don't want to picture after break ups. Focus on the nows, so you move on, and even if you picture it then, it'll hurt much less.
Just much less.

I liked that candid.
That... I don't remember that.

I wonder what would happen if...
I don't know.

You know.. when you talked about someone and they popped out like a ghost.

I talked to the Ipoh girls about how my parents got used to me having no curfews.. starts from baddy with bunch of boys in the afternoons, progressing to coming back late from late night movies, then baddy on late nights... So drinking wasn't even an issue anymore.

I was just reaching the movie part. I was just mentioning his name, then he showed up. He passed by me when I was eating noodles and he actually played my bun, then walked off like a stranger. The girls didn't even see who it was. But of course, how could I have missed it? The one and only back I know best. It's him. He didn't even have to turn over.

I stunned, but I got up to go after him. What kind of urge was that ? I didn't make it tho. He was gone just few secs away. I didn't even know where he went.

So I told him about it it fb messenger. Cuz it's really so fucking coincidence! How can you not tell. But he kinda assumed I talked bad about him.

I can't correct him right ? Do not be nice. Do not be nice. If you like to assume it that way, be it.

But you have no idea, how much. I missed you.

There's a love hate relationship.  I hate you. I dislike you. But I miss you. I think about you. I can never forget you. To think of it, it's not even coincidence. I always talked about you like you're part of my life. I can't help it. Like you're always in my head. It's so normal to talk about you. Meanwhile, it's so normal for you to think I talk bad about you. That's what I want you to assume isn't it? So I won't correct you.

I hate myself. This is wrong. Stop the conversation. Stop, and go study. No. This is wrong. The way how things progressed, sounds like we're friends. We are not friends. We can't be friends.

I have a soft spot for you. It is wrong. I shouldn't be texting you at the first place. Look at me. Awman. I'm doomed. I'm dead. I'm confirm dead.

I want my arm back.
He offered help.

He said, my patients can become my friends. But not hoping friends turning into patients.

He offered help.

No I'm not happy. I'm exactly like him. I'm happy knowing he's fine. I'm not happy, knowing she's fine. Who would admit? Even if she's not, he wouldn't tell. For sure. Duh.

But my rationality is happy. If they stay together forever, I have my own permission granted. Why can't we be friends then? There's no reason I'd ruin myself again, for him. Yeah. Why not? It's a good news. Means he changed for the good. Or maybe, I was just a shitty person. He was always fine.

It would be perfect if they stay together forever. But I know him so well. The first few months could be great. And then what? You know, I know. We all know. Nobody can stand that guy. Nobody. No one can be sure whether they'd stay together always. And I'm pretty sure they couldn't. Life has it's way. Everything is temporary.

Ok what's with me ?

I had a dream of him, the day before yesterday. In the dream, we were still together. Honestly I didn't take much time to think abt that so it wasn't a clear dream anymore. Can't really remember what happened in there. I just remember, we went to many many places and he was with me. We talked. Idk abt what. Lol. It's so blurry, like how our memories have become. Or is it ?

Gosh why are you so sad? Go study, chicken. You'll become so busy that you wouldn't have time to be sad. Too busy stressing out crying over tests, who cares about people ?

There are people who suicide for the insurance money. That's some sacrifice. But it's a good thing. Dying is a way to contribute to the world. It's overpopulated anyway. I know, I'm mean. Sorry, not sorry. If I get some sort of disease and had to die, I'll take it. If natural selection has to take me, bring it on. Survival of the fittest. Nobody's special. Mutations happen in everyone, everyday, we just get sick when the repair mechanisms get old, when we get old. It's a fair world.

I'm so tired. So tired.
I didn't take any time to deeply analyze it, doesn't mean I won't remember. I haven't seen him for such a long time. But the face, the touch, everything is so... Like it's been so long.

Was it that long?
How's your arm, I wonder. How's your new girl. How's physio intern. How's being alone. How's life.

Midnight's stopped bothering me for awhile. Thanks to these stupid games. I've been on my phone for prob More than 12hours just in a few days. It's like monopoly. It's like saboteur. You won't know when time has passed. You stay distracted anyway.

I don't even enjoy these kinds of midnights. I didn't even feel anything when I'm actually isolated indoors for four days.

I rather feel. I rather get fucked up. Lol

Get me drunk on my 21th birthday.
Oh my did that slipped?

Jj's a nice friend I guess. He acts like ET. Tbh. He has the most normal thinking. I mean. He told me about his exes, his preferences. Why they stopped. How he'd stop. Honestly, I can't even remember. Why?

I watched a crazy series. A combination of English and american I think? Or just English. Their accents are so nice to listen. And not to forget the crazy plot.

Let's start all over again.
I feel so young again watching it. Such an emo series. It's Not exactly that emo. Haih I don't know.

He's completely gone in my life again. It's a good thing, he haunted me for a week. And then, it's enough. I'm pretty sure he thought it's no fun because he can't see me get too affected. Because I had other focuses. He just got bored, and went off to play with whoever that doesn't know his shitty plot.

I'm having three tests in two weeks. I'm noy even done with any subject.

Am I dead?

Not too drunk. Because it's supposed to be them. I can remember loong's face, nice and clear when he said they'd not let me go on my 21th birthday. But it's an empty plan. It's my fault. The last time loong talked to me like my friend, was the day I treated him a birthday meal. While he treated me a farewell drink. I threw up. I cried. All in one. The last time I got drunk. The last time I had a perfect time with them.

Because everything changed when I accepted him back. Makes me have the idea loong might've liked me. While I decided to go with another boy. Loong changed when I accepted my ex back into my life. He wasn't that friendly anymore. Never the same.

Sokay, time will take them all away. I won't even look at thise photos. I'll be fine next year March. I'll be busy.

Gosh what's with me

Thought of loong today. Thought of my first again.

I called him in his fullname, demanding him to promise me that he'd live a long life. He promised me he'd live till 100 years old. Haha. I still have that voice record. My fucked up drunk voice. His promise. And then that day at Arena bar. Pineapple joined us to drink for the first time. We even touched cigs. All the details, so fresh. I won't ever forget is it?

This song. Ahaha I remember completely losing my shit. The singer wasn't even thaaat good. I was just sad. Alvisy. I don't really like that place. It's too much cigs. Can't breathe right there. But there are those people I loved. ET was still normal back then. I'm over it, I think. I don't hate whatever he did anymore. I stopped thinking about it. We completely lost contact, which is great. He'd be single forever. He's actually much better looking if he cut down weight. But ugh the thought of his face, still makes me cringe. Ew no get it out.

There was juan. Doctor. Pan. Mic. Crisp. Sometimes I still think of V. The guy who backstabbed CK by stealing his gf. V was a nice guy. I believe he's a nice guy. Ck has his problems. Everyone has that. The girl didn't manage it well, it wasn't completely V's fault.

I'm tired from studies. I'm happy with that. Not from self abusing, not from being played. Not being tortured by living nightmares. I'm tired from daydreaming about food and procrastinating watching cat videos all day. I'm tired from laying around enjoying blanks. And it's good.

I don't drink anymore. I mean, I drink, but I don't alcoholic anymore. I control. And my tolerance still remains. I'm meeting new peeps. I'm loving coach. Loving what I'm doing, basically most of the time. Even loving the things I thought I'm gonna hate. Micro. It's one unexpected thing.

I kinda quit lavana squad. Quit loong squad. I'm verbally fighting ginger. He's annoying me. Kinda like how I hated moon but still we remained friends.. I think it's just me being narrow hearted. Boys like to tease. I can accept a little bit of that. But they do not go too over. Cuz I'd stab them in the heart. I hate moon's middle finger. I know he thinks it looked nice. I think it's stupid. And ginger? He likes to say discouraging things when I'm discouraged. So at the end I'm being really mean to him. Indirectly just telling him to fuck off. Haha. It's just how we communicate I guess.

One does not tell a suicidal person, "Go ahead, and die."
Even tho I'm not suicidal anymore. But I'd do it seeing such words in that kind of situation. So encouraging.

All the lab classes are over. I'm a little sad about that. But also, happy. All the extra free time. All the classes becoming... Nothing. The timetable becoming empty. That's one good thing about lab classes. It finishes way earlier than lectures.

I gotta utilize my holidays very nicely. Haih..

I know you the worst daughter ever. Sorry for existing. But how about you appreciate me being stressed on managing my time well for studies, violin and baddy? You don't even know so many things I'm going tru. I can't stay awake. I can't focus on things recently. Period probably coming soon. And I have three tests to prepare, three assignment deadlines. Daily I still need to do the physio treatment. While I did have a plan of jogging daily to improve my stamina. It's holidays, yay so free, says no one ever. I didn't even tell my friends, just so I can focus on my shits. I didn't even plan much hangouts. Coussies wedding is coming soon too and I still haven't have the time to practice until I get to the pro stage that can play the song to be sweet enough for audiences. This week is the only week and it's so important I use it wisely.

It's not I don't wanna go to LA. LA is a fucking waste of time don't deny. It's something I go when my head is finally free from all these. And you won't know. Because it's too much trouble to tell. You don't force someone to LA. You don't. It's my decision and my decision is final. The last time getting forced was when I was with my ex. I forced myself to do things I don't want to just to please him. Now, be happy I want to be responsible as a person, a student. Be happy I want to do my part so well that you don't even have to trouble about me not giving fucks abt my life. Cuz I do.

I don't need LA at these kinds of times.

Inti BC

Honestly I really like my life rn. I like how I start enjoying micro as well as starting to be good at it. I like how I actually really influence the Ipoh girls to wanna baddy with me after some nice chit chat. And inti BC squad.

Forever win can be really cool. But he's showing his true colours, slowly. Probably a party animal who acts cool. I like how he's always being extremely curious on why we chose certain courses. Like why frog chose law, why I chose biotech. It's a world saving thing. I think I did said that I don't care about mosquitoes having new scary strains. It's natural selection, if it's meant to wipe out certain humans, then it's meant to be. Overpopulation is a thing. Humans are parasites of earth is also a thing. I'm more concerned about the pollution and shits we caused. It's that. The plastic eating bacteria is more of what I'm going to be up to. Medical line seems very expected to be a nice future. But I honestly want to go more to the environmental saving line... Weird right? They're actually speechless about the part where I support natural selection killing us. But they can't disagree about the pollution part. Lol. Menshoe was like a mental reading person. I think she suits psychology. But I forgot what she actually studied. The oldest in the squad, but the tiniest. Always giving weird personality tests and stuff. Actually it's funnn. She's not so immature as someone who hasn't experienced alot. She's cool. And cute.

Oh gosh I like how ronan's twin baddy. She's like a typical girl who can't baddy. Just now there was four girls. Nice to form a WD match. I was the strongest so I partnered her, making it all balanced. It was really hard at first, Right after I told them not to go easy on us. They'd kill with any chance. Basically we'd get attacked after ronan's twin serves. Mostly, it's hard to defense that. So I taught her to serve high and far. It wasn't ok at first. But slowly she got it and she definitely became a service pro. Everything went much easier. I think I have a way to make my life easier whenever I partner/play with people who can't play. Maybe it's my coaches. My ex. Everyone who's taught me. They also taught me how to guide people to play better. But I guess I encourage more than I scold. We're people who care about people's feelings. These are good peeps.

Mr soya was crazy on form just to make sure I don't hurt my arm more. He's so sweet. Forever win told me to just go when I was hesitating whether I should bathe, since I had to consider an hour drive after that extremely late baddy session, and the time of reaching home.

Champion, do you know her?
He he doesn't know me.
Yeah I know..
Lmao. When you think people don't know you. And they began testing him. Who was her mixed doubles partner? 😂😂 I kenot.

I like how I describe biotech. It's like educating them on an underrated field. More people need to know about it.

I'm curious why did you take this course?
I like bio. I wasn't extremely clear about thus course at the beginning, but I did learned a lot. And it's fun. Sometimes people would bash me and the field, but I'd try not to listen.

I can't believe their reactions.
They said, tell them that they know nothing abt biotech! So they shouldn't comment etc etc. Wow you guys are supportive people. I love them.

♥️

Drinking spree

It was the old people entertainment night yesterday aka mom's alumni event. It sounds better in mandarin. Nevermind. I remember asking mom, is there free flow of alcohol there ? Mom said, there will be alcohol but maybe you'd need to pay. Zzz

I wore nice. So mom told me to put make up. I put fucking blue on my eyes. But I thought it looked suitable since I was fully blue. The dress was blue. The shoes were blue. My day was always blue. Suits me! I'm starting to like eyeliner.

I was already having runny nose today. And it was so cold there. Guess what? There was free beer. I mean of course not exactly free but we already paid for it. We gotta eat up to the price we paid isn't it ? So... DRINKKK. I drank with dad.

You have no idea how satisfying my first sip of carlsberg was. So good. I almost forgotten how it's like to have carlsberg in the glass. And then my dear cousin came. I went to his table then. There were full of wine. My eyes shined.

We had wineeee. It's a happy day. But cousin can't drink. So he was completely red and started sleeping. Well that's what happens when you're tired and you drink. Am I tired? I am. I am. But when I drank, I just thought about things. Good old times...

Even tho now I'm sober up, there's still some sadness. I thought of loong. I thought of ET. The days when we were still a team. The days when ET didn't turn to demon. Thought of cinnamon. I loved that squad, a lot. Really. Why would I ruin my arm just to maintain staying in the same channel with them? I loved them. Guess they'd never know how much I appreciate their help.

My ex drove me insane. They got back my rationality. They backed me up when I was dying. Not just once... Well who'd I run to when I get myself heartbroken? ET. He used to be that kind of friend. No more, gone, gone, gone. And that's heartbreaking.

Did you know you drove me insane? Did you know why I became alcoholic? It was you, dummy. You who thought I cheated on you for the people that saved my life?? The most shitty bullshit I've ever heard of.

He talked to me about fiber.
I talked to him about my old wood.
Do you still think about her?
I had a huge teddy bear for her as a gift, but she never accepted it, so I had to look at it everyday, I had to think of her.
It was me who dumped her anyway.

It was me who dumped him too.
Do you still think of him?
Yeah.

I think I definitely have the tendency to still fall for someone else. I can be with people. But once it's midnight, or after those stupid relationships end, maybe.. the one that I think about was still the first one. Stupid me. I shouldn't even drink. I was starting to text people different kinds of stuff. Definitely not me. It was the alcohol. Ish that uncle shouldn't have poured that amount of wine into both me and my cousin's glass. I actually finished his last glass for him, cuz he definitely looked dead. I was just starting to be tipsy when we left.

I don't remember how much we drank. Two glasses carlsberg? Then a glass of white wine? Then... A few glasses of red wine? Probably three. Maybe four. I'd like to say, my tolerance went down a little. We were going from low alcohol percentage to high, so I guess it shouldn't be an issue. I can drink, anyway. It wasn't completely satisfying too, I wanted more wine. hahahahaahhah.

I miss them all.

To think of it, I have a folder full of photos. They're mostly filled with these people I used to be with. Loong squad. My ex. Why? It's like my subconscious knew that I was gonna lose them. It's like I took so many photos to get ready of the lose. Maybe all these wouldn't have happened if I never appreciate them crazily. Maybe I should just stop appreciating them crazily...

The people in the future. How exactly am I supposed to love them?

I know I sounded like I was happy when you said your arm was fucked. I wasn't happy. I love baddy, and you love baddy as much as I do. If I break my arm or leg, I'd just die. I really wasn't happy. Honestly, there was a teeny tiny part of me that wanted you back to training.

I loved being your follower, I was always concerned about your recent activities, why did I chose to unfollow you? Because it wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to follow anymore, I shouldn't know about your life anymore because I'm toxic. The way I hang onto something is toxic. So if you made your way back to training, my heart would be secretly be happy. But I'm going to be frustrated. I'll be a huge mess up. Cuz of all people, you mess me up. It's uncontrollable I think. I can't. I wish I can.

I want to make it into presidents list so you can see me during your graduation. So I can see your family, your new girl during your graduation. I hope by that time I will be matured enough to have the ability to walk up to you and say hi. And say hi to your love ones. I hope that wouldn't mess me up. It's a very casual thing to do isn't it? It's like nothing. Greeting an old long lost friend. I wish I really get onto president's list so that you see me unexpectedly. You will never believe that I became an A student.

I've changed a lot in terms of the academic aspects. Otherwise, Idk. Not a lot. I needed someone's wise words I guess. Time will make my way back to insanity. Hope I'll remember everything I've learned from loong squad. Everything's temporary, there's no exception. but it's fine and we just needa learn to let go.

I repeat. It's not your fault I have a slightly different mindset compared to when I was 16. As you can see, "When I was 16". People change. Even if I really changed a mindset because of you, I don't call that your fault. It's something essential. So thank you for that.

Hopefully last night's drinks can stop my thirst for awhile.

Change

"I have a friend who broke up with her bf many many times, but they ended up married with a child right now."
What are you gonna think when you hear such stuff? I can only say, your friend is still just 22. If they have the tendency to break so many times, it's not the end yet. Who knows. Even tho, she was hinting me another question, abt whether we still have a chance together. No.

I think my car alignment is off. Moon said, let's see. Yeah it's definitely off.
I'm really bad at cars. Idk what's wrong when something's wrong. But things I've been taught specifically by passionate peeps, that's a different story.

Lowin, do you know why your shots never go to the back? She said, no, why? Because... Imagine throwing a stone. If you wanna throw it far, you gotta move your arm to the back, then launch your shot to the front, isn't it? She said, yeah. And from that moment onwards, she hit, and she hit far. That's a fast learner. Sometimes I think, we all are supposed, and should be able to learn this fast. It's not about talent or what shit. It's how you've been taught. With patience, with passion, you learn fast. And you can even help people to learn fast. We don't have to be rude.

Now you're smiling, but I think, you have the tendency to be super fierce. Of course. I think that applies to us all. But I'm usually not fierce to people outside. They don't have a space in my life, why waste that energy?

Look at her overall shape. She's fit. Broad shoulders, and those thigh. She must be a swimmer. She was observing, then she agreed. The rest of the day we were staring at girls' legs. I said, I wanna be like these girls. Their thighs look like they can smash open a watermelon. She said, it's actually quite cool that we baddy girls have fitter shapes. She said, cham and I both have that. Our legs are bold. Ahahahah. First time getting this comment. Definitely a compliment.

Life is fine. Biotech is fine. I just gotta maintain the heart to learn. That's the attitude people like to hire isn't it ?

Sometimes I think we have different mindset. I don't think the same like my coursemates. Sometimes I don't think they can generate good reports. I arrogantly think that my reports are actually super good. Even tho I never get full marks, but my intro, my discussion, those important parts always score. I think I have the logic my lecturers are looking for. It's what they want. I get what they want. But my coursemates don't. Sometimes I don't know what they don't know. They just can't start their work without asking weird questions. I'm not saying the ipoh girls. It's the rest. At our senior batch, I think the smartest group should be boey and yen. Sometimes I look at what they do, I don't get the point. Lecturers want us to comment on our friends' work. The point? I don't think they want us to say "wow so informative, good job friend I've learned alot." Wtf was that? Pointless dumb shit. But the sheep did that. It's what they do, right ? Idk but I really can't do that kind of stuff. If I don't agree to something, I don't study. I give up on that part.

What is the cause of Antibiotic resistance? Poor hygiene, poor infection control, misuse of antibiotics, mutation. What is the cause? I repeat. They say, all. But I don't think that's the case. The cause of if we're talking abt antibiotic resistance, of course we're talking bout a specific type of bacteria which its original strain cannot tolerate any of that antibiotic. So why resistance? Cuz mutation. That's the answer isn't it. Poor hygiene and infection control are basically the same, factors that contribute to the spread, not the cause. They don't agree but they can't argue their point.

Sometimes I feel like the more I life, the more I start to be confident. I argue instead of listen and shut up while faintly knowing it doesn't seem right. I argue with facts, with proofs. Unsure? Don't agree? Ask. Find answers. Research. Honestly, this doesn't sound like me at all.

I used to be very quiet when it comes to these. Now, I think I raise my arm more than five times per week. Because I dare to speak up. It's not me. Or something's changing. I've been like this for some time isn't it? Sometimes I think I have too much of attitude. I'd gladly sleep or do unexpected things in front of the lecturers. I think I'm not very normal. I'm going mad. Gosh. I can't recognize myself. Since when did I care about my grades that much ? All my life I only care abt my ex and badminton. Now, my grades. Ahahahaha. Okay. Probably the reason I changed.

Good day

Today was a good day! I'm a a happy person today. I like everything that happened today. Life is awesome. Well it all started with a cancelled 8am class. Best of all. Another hour to sleep. Then goes finishing most of my assignments, then having two remaining chaps to study for immuno. Then lab. Gosh, lab was enjoyable. I thought I hated micro lab. Now I don't even want it to end. It's the best lab. Playing with bacteria is enjoyable. Playing with dilutions, and understanding every step is awesome. Just me and yoc was doing it all, but still it's so fun. Lab ended early tho. I really like lalita. I know, sometimes I'm like a kid losing focus at the half end of the lecture. Micro bores me really. But it's fun when it goes to practical. It's even fun when lalita is the lecturer. The boys in front had their alcohol burning. It's not something you get to see everyday. A flame in the beaker, on the liquid. Coooool.

The ipoh girls waited for me. I love them. I'm starting to love them more and more. Well, they supported me till the end. I'll always remember that. I'll remember everyone who supported me till the end. It was early but we were hungry. So I said let's monopoly and eat ice cream. I think my suggestions are always the best, they agreed and we went happily. Yoc sent me our journal marks. I got one mark deducted from the journal. I'm so fucking happy. From having a C grade, improving to an unstable A, then now, almost full mark. If I didn't get confused at the nine mark question, my test1 could've been good. I'd top the girls. Haaha. But now, our marks are pretty much almost the same. I like how lalita said many failed. She's so worried about us. But we passed stably, so I think we should be able to ace it.

Frost bite was having coffee flavor. It was sooooo good. Better than mint. Holy cow. I love frost bite. We played one chess match because the monopoly was taken. How sad. But I guess the Ipoh girls can't play chess. I thought I sucked. But I'm gonna arrogantly say that I'm probably good at chinese chess. So they can't beat me cuz I used the same strategies, while having a clear view of what's happening in each step. Life is good when menshoe texted me. I said yes. We ate dinner for the second round, damn, mamak is the best budget food around.

Winner came to fetch us all, since jon snow, menshoe and I live in inti hostel. I kinda like him, not that like. So when jon came in I told him about the physio visit. He was like what exercise did she get you, winner was like wow three years issue, perfect. Meanie. I like how safe winner drives. Sooo relaxing, unlike me. Gosh. Need to be like that boi. I think winner's a bit shy, but when you know him better he'd be mischievous and completely sarcastic, not in a bad way. It's better when they're true to you.

I think I'm starting to trust menshoe. Kinda told her why I started baddy, and why I ruined my arm. It's a long story, but she had her conclusion. She said I'm very much of a good type of friend. Lol. I had hard times. We all have hard times, we learn, we grow. I'm like everything is temporary. She's like gosh it's depressing. No it's not, start enjoying the nows.

The steps were all there, but my entire body wasn't really satisfying. I refrained myself from lobbing and smashing, as the therapist adviced. So in the two hours, no lobs no smashes. Can you imagine how hard it is? It was hard. But my arm didn't hurt almost completely. There were one or two shots that accidentally hurt my arm. Heh. It was probably fine. So not satisfying to play baddy this way.

Do you rather play it this way for awhile, or can't play at all in the future ??? The winner is the winner. I need to be scolded. Well he didn't really scold. But it's a reminder. I didn't need it tho. Baddy is my life. It's more important than anyone can imagine, so I'd automatically do anything for baddy. Even if it means saying goodbye to certain people.

Physio clinic

I went for my appointment. I honestly told the girl that another guy did tried to treat me and then I didn't have enough determination. So yeah but I think the treatment shouldn't be completely the same so here I am.

So I told her a quite specific history about when it all went wrong, when it went super bad.. she did some examinations... Guess what, something I couldn't do at all. Arm raised parallel to the body at 90 degrees, thumb pointing downwards. I completely couldn't move up against resistance. And it was baaaaad.

It's quite specific, what she said. I guess physio people enjoy giving loads of exercises. At least she knows what she's doing. It's actually showing me that there is a possibility of recovering, given the patient doesn't lose patience. Given that I don't lose my patience. It's gonna be a tough challenge. But for badminton. At least she didn't tell me to completely rest, just avoid smashing and lobbing since it's what hurts the arm. Good, I can start working hard on my wrist when trying to recover the arm.

I know. I should've listened, maintained the exercises to strengthen that stupid piece of muscle. She said, it could've started with a small pull, a tear. Or whatever, which was supposed to be able to recover by itself, but I did not rest. So my arm starts compensating by using other muscles to perform whatever I needed to do. Ending up that injured piece of muscle didn't work, and I didn't use it, so it's this bad right now. Makes a lot of sense. He said that too I think? Something like that.

I like how I understand a few terms she used. Sometimes she tried to use the layman term while I understood the scientific term. Scientific terms rule. We good. Gonna learn more everyday. Life is good. I just have to fix my arm, for it to be perfect.

Oh small update for today.
I accidentally accepted a DJ from fb. I don't even know who the hell he was, I accepted. So he texted me a little and asked whether he could date me. Hilarious. Then I kinda made him get lost when I said "I'm interested in girls". HAHAHAAH. It's really fun. Oh my god. I need to do this more often. He actually believed me???? DJ guy. Probably a super dry alcoholic shit person like ET. Boys like to play, we gotta play along isn't it?

Life's good. Be happy. Stop being impatient.

Sometimes I really hate my memory in people. My memory in the things I want to remember, things I don't want to let go. I can forget everything so easily. But I can't forget. So conflicting eh?

I saw the soft epilogue post from three years back. We broke up three years ago, around this period. Honestly I have no time to be sentimental about stuff. But it's almost 12. Can you believe it ? Three years. Let's just say, only the first nine months counted. Cuz I always thought the second time, you must be on some crack deciding to come back, since you were so much shittier the second time. We had known each other for like five years. Such a long time. I never regret any sec. It's been a crazy nine months. I'm glad we stopped back then, my fist would've been broken, maybe I've suicided if we didn't stop. Maybe I'd become a totally different person from now, and that thought of different scares me. I don't call myself a happy person. But back then, I was probably fucked up daily. Lucky I didn't develop mental problems and stopped being sane. Lucky we stopped, really. Always thankful for us to be us. It wasn't the best nine months, it was also the best nine months. Conflicting eh? We had ups and downs, that's normal. Back then I held tight. I always thought, you could make me the happiest person in the world, at the same time, the most depressed person in the world. Maybe you're not that toxic after all, it's just the way I live is toxic. The way I appreciate people.

I'm gonna admit. I fucked up my arm because I was sad. I needed to go out a lot. And when people realize how much I like baddy, they ask me out for baddy, a lot. I never rejected. I went, despite how tired I was. I needed to distract myself. That was the first year I think? But slowly, I became better. I had wise friends with wise advices. Those friends that are no longer friends. I begin to accept something realistic but sad. Everything, everyone is temporary. So I tried to appreciate these people. I know them tru baddy, means I maintain them tru baddy. The following years, I played that much because I wanted to be with those people. I loved them a lot. Loong squad. They cared.
You can conclude that I'm a fucking dumbass. I ruined my arm because of my first bf. I further ruined my arm because of some temporary people that healed my shitty mental state. My arm is almost completely ruined, but now I'm not sad anymore. Now, I don't have that kind of friends I want to maintain anymore. I have, actually. But I don't mind anymore. Lavana squad wasn't the same as loong squad. Loong squad did a lot for me when they found out I was fucked up. Lavana squad.... Kon is beginning to talk weird. It's good that I stay away for awhile. Never fall in love when it comes to baddy squad. Never let that happen to kon. It happened within loong squad and now it's gone. It happened to my first bf and now it's gone. Life is still fine... 

Busy busy

Life is so tiring. I got myself scheduled on fixing my arm. I made my decision to quit lavana squad.

Today dr cheng was saying, our test 2 is on next Tuesday. The flying fuck. I wasn't prepared at all. But I guess I expected this weeks ago, so I did have at least 30% prepared before the competition. So i have like 70% notes to go. Two more reports.

I really really will die from high blood pressure. Or maybe, a heart attack. Or fucking stroke. Fuck. These days my patience is going down like negative. It's really really bad. I always hated the printer. But yesterday I whacked it along with my laptop. Trust me I flipped. All the cars on the road appeared to be complete idiots. Do they know where is the accelerator? I doubt. My coursemates. Holy. I'm starting to get impatient with teho. Fuck the nicknames, I can't remember. His English is making my eyeroll stay there forever. I can die. He could do journals no problem. But he has no direction. He can't generate aims. What the hell. If you do an experiment but couldn't generate aims, why the fuck did you do. How did you do without an aim? These people make no sense. Cini was worse. I thought she's normal. No she's not. She's possibly the worst. Mifa has good English but his words are almost complete bullshit. Of course we bullshit, but we have to bullshit to achieve the aim right???? These people. Oh my god. I can't trust them with my marks. I literally quit group works. I can say I forced them to upload it into the group so that I could do some modifications. Never trust anyone. I can't believe they intended to submit what they uploaded. If I can't even understand your discussion, how do you expect the lecturers to understand????

Holy sheet I'm so done. But honestly, at least they do help a little. Like 5%. They get a nice start, but I clean up their mess. Life is fucking shit. Thankfully BC is not ongoing this week. But the boys might play outside. Good thing jon snow is starting to remember me, he asks me along. He knows who the baddy addicts are. But he also knows how bad my arm is currently. Haahah. Who can say no to baddy??? No such person. Even the Ipoh girls are having the urge to play. I made it sound too fun I guess. It is fun. Heh.

I'll finish all the work today even if it means no sleeping. Sleep is for the weak. Remember, I gotta maintain the grades, and social, and baddy. All at once. What is time management? I can confirm I suck at that. Fortunately I'm single. Being with someone definitely gets me this frustrated every sec.