I miss them

My life has officially been turned upside down. I felt like the past two years disappeared entirely. I officially accepted wood back. I officially declared, I'm suddenly away from single and free and crazy wild life.

I miss them tho. I've never break the snap streaks. Still in contact with the A level bois.

Yip man them, of course. Rivergrass too. We talked a little recently. But that's pretty much enough for updating purposes.

Life has been busy, I miss them. The badminton squad. F9 squad. Loong squad. Idk when's the last time I saw Gold. Idk when's the last time I heart talk with ET. Idk what's Moon up to.

Sometimes in the middle of the night.
In the middle of a 2pm lecture.

I'd swipe through those photos. I'd hear their voices. Those laughters. My head would picture their smiles.

I miss them. I skipped a week of Sunday badminton because Wood wasn't free to fetch me that late, plus he hoped that I skip that session because of my bad arm. And this week we shouldn't be playing too much too cuz we both have a test on Monday.

But I miss them. After this week it would be the second week without badminton with them. Crazy, huh.

I had to squeeze my brain to remember what they said.
Loong said, he'd not let me go on my birthdays.
ET said, when they organize trips, he'd drag me along and let me have some new explorations.
He said, we're not the kind of friend that are gonna be hanging around for one to two years.

Yeah.

Believe them. Please. Yh.

He said, you're supposed to rest, because I didn't tell him the arm issue earlier and now it's worsening.

It scares me when he said, you'd not be able to lift your arm if you kept ignoring the weakness.

I'm not losing contact with them. I'm just taking a break.

"What makes you accept him back?"

Having this coming out from my diminish actually stings. I'm sorry.

Life told me, everything is temporary. This is why I took loads of photos with the gang. This is why, I took loads of photos with wood rn. I believe they will be gone, but still, I risked and got close to them.

Life are gonna take people away.
But I'll always remember them.

Hopefully it doesn't take my arm. If it does, Idk what channel I have in common with the squad.

Alcohol? You gotta be kidding me.

ET said, you're coming back every week for now, but that would be temporary. At the end, you'd have friends there and forget all of us.

No I won't. I might seem like I have, but I won't! You have no idea.

The idea of everything is temporary.
To think of it, ET was one of the people that helped me tru the two years. And this is how I developed his perception towards life.

It's heartbreaking how matured people would have a slight negative thinking, just because they've gone tru some real shits. I'm glad that they're happy, and able to accept people even with that mindset. It must be pretty hard.

.

I realized sometimes I cry and cry, and punch the metal cabinet, hit the wall. Then I thought so hard, why am I being frustrated? Am I sad? Or mad? No. I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me.

So I blog, and blog, I typed out a little summary of what happened, only I realized.

Oh.

This is why. And the solution? There is no solution.

I allowed someone to make me feel terrible.

This is why.

I'm so scared of losing myself, then blindly telling myself how happy I'm going to be, how worthy it will be after everything.

I know that that isn't true. I know that I couldn't just let the past repeat itself. Was I happy? Yeah I was. I was fucking happy.

Is the self defense helping me ?

I don't think so anymore. Maybe this was what holding me back during A levels. This is why I don't ever connect crazily with those coursemates. I'm pretty sure it's gonna happen in uni too.

.

I'm so tired. I thought everything was going fine. i went for a trip with him. The first day he reapproached me was on the tenth of August. It was the day A2 results was out. He knew because I announced for the A levels people to check theirs.

I told myself, he approached me. I know I gave up entirely on him. He came back. Maybe I should give it one last try. If we miscommunicate again, I'll make him fuck off my life.

Everything was going fine. I know that he wants me back, but I developed a self defense system. It was safe. I controlled well. Even if I had the urge to go back to him, I wouldn't tell him. i wouldn't make this reckless decision. As long as I'm free, I'm safe from bullshits.

We were too close. That was the only mistake. We spent the no class times together, meals together. Whatever he asked, I agreed. As long as it has nothing to do about going back to him, I agreed to be close with him all these times. When he invited me to a Ipoh trip, I said yes.

And that's where shits happened. I always felt bad for his bestie. He treated her like shit. I know he cares. But she's human too. She has feelings too. She's slow, but she gets hurt too.

Everyday I told myself, if we miscommunicate, leave forever.
Everyday I told myself, don't be reckless, observe more before I make a stupid decision.
Everyday I told myself, he wants me back, of course he would try to agree with anything I say.

And this is the day.

I realized I was really scared of making him pissed.
Scared of the miscommunication. No mstter how much I tell myself not to hope, but I fucking hope that the miscommunication will not happen. I hoped that one day it doesn't take so much effort to not live that carefully around him.

Why is it so hard?
And when we had arguments, why didn't I leave him forever like I promised myself to?

These two years, one thing that developed in me was be cruel to my heart. If it's fucking up my life, say goodbye no matter how painful it is. One thing that developed in me was be good to myself and throw away all the toxic despite that addiction.

So he got back into my life and fucked this self defense system up?

Why am I so scared to love?
Because it makes us so blind! They eat our soul up and we proudly allow them to! This is what it does to me.

Believe you? I don't know. It kinda sounds like "give me the power to destroy you".

I don't believe you. But my heart wants to believe you. After what happened, I was supposed to make you fuck off my life. But look at me dumbly telling you that I want us to talk peacefully.

Can you tell what's happening ?

The thing I most afraid is going blind like how I did two years ago. I feel so fucked up right now. I'm so pissed at myself. I'm so pissed that I couldn't cruelly tell you, "Fuck off."