ABRSM

ABRSM Grade 8 Guitar. I wore a white collared top, exactly like librarian uniform but just prettier, plus black pants. My hair looked like shit so I braided it. It made me realized that braiding is actually a way to prevent it being annoying. I shouldn't have cut off my hair. I should've just braided it for the competition. Maybe I can braid them everytime I badminton. That would be comfortable.

We got to the wrong hotel but luckily the right one was just five minutes walking distance. I was late. I held the case with my right hand. Hands trembling. You know.... The feeling after lifting heavy objects, then using chopsticks. It trembles. The waiting room was full of people. I practiced quietly, I thought, "I'm dead." And I was called.

The examiner is a while man. He seems nice, but that doesn't stop the shakiness on my left hands. "Let's start with scales." I think I did good. Better than during class. Yeah... even for the dominant and diminish scales. I did good. Three songs? I didn't do too well for Sonata due to the shakiness. My HANDS SHAKE. FUCK. It was too cold. Luckily not as cold as during class. I had training: low temperature tolerance. Really, luckily. It taught me to play under extreme conditions. Second piece, I did great on Sor. The expression stuff are done ok. I did whatever I was trying to do. So I hope I get a 29 for that. Please give me a fucking 29. Or 28. English suite was deadly. It was a bad start. My mind went blank. But the muscle memory was there. I restarted and it was ok. Let's hope he doesn't deduct much from that mistake. All was ok. But the second part.... I wasn't putting enough expression on it. UGH. No excuses, I didn't have enough practice. I fucked sight reading. FOUR SHARPS. FUCK YOU MAN. WHY. Why did he do that to me. He looked so kind. But evil as FUCK. I fucked sight reading. It was a good start and a good ending, but in the middle it sounds like 21th century piece. Fuck that shit. Aural.was bad. I fucked cadence. I thought I would do well on cadence. I overestimated myself. That was my fault. I didn't give myself enough practice on that. That was my fault. Singing lower part was ok. That's the only part I can get a full mark. But the rest..... Features, I said weird stuff again. I'm probably half correct. Maybe I can get 3marks there. Fuck.

Overall, I should pass. But no more high distinction. Terrible. I'm happy it's over but. I'm disappointed how I did for aural. I could've done better. Not sight reading. I couldn't do anything about four sharps. I was confirmed dead.

The grab driver took a long time to finally accept me. Then to drive me back. It was pretty jam. We weren't speaking at first. I broke the ice by asking random questions, then it was silence. We were both bored so he broke the ice again. Hmm. Is it so hard to strike a convo? He thought I was a uni student. I guess dressing up formal would make me look older? Then here we go. He was actually talkative. Shy guy I guess. He probably has a wife. And kids. Thanks for the advice bro. I'd think about, and do some researches. He asked bout my direction. I said it bravely, because I'm probably not gonna see him in the future anyway. Come, bash my dreams. Surprisingly he didn't. Sometimes it's us who judge others. It's us. I assumed everyone in this world would judge me and bash me whenever I say what I'm up to, what course I'm heading towards. But they didn't. Park wil didn't too. They said, it's not bad. They encouraged me. So thank you, very much.

It's tiring. I think there's so much to be done. Finally. The second last day dad has to talk to me bout exam. I really hate him asking me. I hate anyone asking me. He doesn't see me much. But everytime he sees me, his words are "Are you ready for exam? Did you memorize? Did you this, did you that, blahblahblah...." It's fucking annoying. What do you expect? It's grade 8 exam and I'm not gonna memorize? Of course I would! And when i practiced, he'd be like "Oh no you're dead. You wanna pass with that?" Do you hear me play? Go take exam. Quit talking to me. This is the fucking reason I insisted not learning under him. Would you mock your students, or would you mock your daughter? You see me briefly striking the strings in front of the tv. Am I playing in the fucking exam hall? No then stop saying like I should. Ugh.. I'm sorry for throwing tantrums on anyone who talked to me bout the exam. It's really annoying. Don't tell me how much I should score for each session. Don't tell me how to live my life. Don't tell me even if it's not guitar exam. Any exam. I'd prefer the type of support mom and sis gives. She asked me. Did you bring this, did you bring that. She'd ask me, are you hungry? Go study I'll heat up soup for you. I don't need more pressure. I need you to understand when I need to burn the midnight oil, not to disrupt your sleep but just to work hard. And she understands.

Badminton is love. But I'm not doing well on drops recently. Really bad. I didn't even smash much today. I feel 90% always irritated. I have no idea why. Wait I actually know. Like I told arrogant. I hate that a lot.

Cinnamon's appearance changed a little. Honestly I thought she looked better before. But ah it was just me who got used to her previous looks. Ooh today is a special day. I met Andrea and Jeanne. I actually talked to Andrea even tho we weren't close at all in class. Had some nice updates, then I asked her, is that Jeanne? She confirmed it. Yas I thought my eyes weren't right. And she waved from the court. Ahh. So long time no see I almost forgot her full name. A librarian friend, which I'm like 200 times closer with her than with Andrea. I'm hapi she asked me to join her on the following Wednesdays. I would really consider that.

It's a tiring day.

I accidentally ate a little bit. Luckily Loong helped with the Loh mee. I actually put half the portion into a bowl and asked him to pick(they both were almost the same). Cinnamon's sick. Sed life. Everyone's sick! Whyyy. Even wood....

Honestly I think I really should get rid of the diminish. It's not right. The gestures. No. It's nothing.

I should get my priority right. I'd love to go to Japan, with my fam. Because fam is love. And it's such a crazy great opportunity! I've always wanted to participate dad's exhibitions. It's gonna be sooooo cool. This time it's ESP and takamine. Fuck. I'm going. It's just one week. I'll be back. Yeah. It'll be awesome. I know that ET squad, moon squad, they'll always be here. Something tells me that appreciation is important. But fam and friends, there must be certain fixed portion.

Yh. Fuck everything. Life is awesome.

Diminish

I'm glad I only told certain close friends about diminish.

Honestly I was pretty frustrated for no reason today. Being a parasite bothers me.

I think I'm like my dad, my dad said he feels sick whenever there's day offs. He must work to feel whole. Maybe I'm just a little like my dad? Everyday studying takes my breath away but... I feel like I'm rotting to death at home not studying or doing anything useful.

Diminish may be as small as minor. But it's still a diminish. One text turns frowns into smiles.

Hehe let's work hard until tomorrow, tomorrow I'll live again.

Ohhhh stop it you.

Ever since 18 of October, I liked to keep my phone silent. Up to now, I don't hear my notification that often anymore. Sometimes they complain about me not picking up the phone. But usually.... Not many people text me often.

Sometimes I accidentally leave the sound on. So it rings. Who is it this time ?

Oh hi. That was unexpected.
That was so unexpected.

To do:

4681.
The last four digits were 4681.

It's funny how something you've remembered all your life could suddenly disappear in your mind. Then pops back out in the middle of nowhere.

I was playing with my hair, thinking about how I should do something about the quality, then.. how I should improve myself. I weighed. It breaks me. I finally hit a stable 47. Why can't I resist junk food? Why can't I continue workout like I used to? What's with me?

I watched mamy movies. The more I watch, the more I feel empty. Like what's wrong with me?

I think I might still get a distinction. But I might fail too. My stamina's not good enough, but definitely enough to pass this shit. Enough to last till the third piece, English suite. Mr Fung's texting me. He didn't use to be like this. Look how worried he is. I'm sorry.

I need to lose weight.
I need to do something useful.
Tomorrow's the day I finish all the exams I can think of. So tomorrow. After tomorrow, I'm done. Tomorrow I'd reach home sad. I know I'm gonna be sad. I'm gonna fuck up aural, and fuck up the third piece. My hands would shake, I won't play as well as during practices.

But I'd have done my best. I never had my fingertips skin growing out this fast. It's so thick I could pick up hot plates without any burning sensation. I practiced. I stayed up. I have nothing else.

After this, I'm going home, sad. And I'm gonna get back on working out. I'm gonna run and work back on abs. I'll  have to drop to 44 before degree starts. No more midnight snacks. No more anytime snack, unless it's fruits or vege. Come on.

I did this once, I can do it again.

Random

I think I'm ok. I'm good to go. Weds is guitar exam. Mr Fung's dead worried. Duh, I played badly. I still play badly. Recently I'm learning to be like my sister I guess. Practicing with a movie. I'm catching up with my to do list: movies plus practice at the same time. It's good that even if I had to play softer, I could still train up stamina.

I think I'm good to go, but I'm not sure. All my life, I never get lower than 20/30. Am I gonna screw up my record? Am I gonna screw up aural? I did badly. But I tried. My sister helped me. Thank you sis.

I'm worried. Now the fingertips are too thick that I always slide too far. Its thick and hard. My violin teacher felt it, and said, it must've been crazy to train this up. YES, yes it is.

I practiced+watched movies till midnight, the house was so quiet and lonely that
I took a shot.

I think it's cool how xo changes mind.
The first time I drank that, I said Ew it sucks.
The second time, it tastes like petrol.
The third and so on, it's actually okay.
Just now, I took it without ice and anything. Not bad.

Let's have a good sleep. No rest tomorrow.
Please, I need to get a distinction to prove dad wrong. To prove everyone who think I couldn't,, wrong.

This recently there are so many breakups.

Talk to your buddies, go crazy and pour out, cry all you want and then... Let go.
"I have no one."

This is the first time I pity someone for having no one, instead of breaking up.

Hey love I'm gonna remember your number from now on. So one day if my battery dies, and when I'm in deep shit, I could still dial your number. Bro yes I'm talking bout you.

I'm not sure what's gonna happen in the future. Idk whether the ones who've reached the top of priority are gonna stay there. Idk if they're gonna stay at all. But I'll chain you forever bro.

Let's hope we pass this shit. It's just grade 8, no big deal!

Badminton is love

I played badminton for five hours again today. I fucking drove jazz. I'm fine AF. I wish I have Loong's tiny appetite. No wonder he's losing weight. Ugh. I need to reduce food consumption. Ffffff. I should eat ice instead.

Training then Loong squad. I guess this is like the only time I drive, cuz parents not around. Hmm. CBA. I missed this place. I don't miss the cashier at all. Oh and today is the first time I rewrapped the grip by myself. Wood used to do that for me. I guess I had to lose him to learn to do things by myself. I wrap okay. I don't miss him.

It was pretty tiring. My form wasn't too good. My drops were better right after abit of practice. Wow. It really makes huge difference. My drops were terrible for weeks. Few minutes of concentrating on dropping made obvious difference. Too good.

Then dinner. ET's closest circle was there. That was nice. But they play too much!!

How do you feel hanging out with us? Do you feel older? Do you feel more matured?
I duno. Maybe a little? I do feel older.

Let's exclude the liking alcohol part, it's good. I remember the times I had to think of something to make myself forget about the life I have. I remember when I had to read to escape reality. Now I read for fun. I badminton for fun, because I love to. Not to escape, just because I like to. And you guys are here. Because you guys are here.

The boys have one same channel they share. This game they play. They're always that antisocial after we eat. They'd just play. Omg.
ET said, join us!
HAHA. I thought about that. But I better don't.
Let's see what I'll do after guitar exam.

There is too much to rush. For now.

Updates: I have no idea about pooh drama. Then ck is still emo. ET seems to be accepting how shits go already. Yip man was pretty emo, are you still? Heh.

I can't believe I told you so much. Now I don't think there's anything you don't know about me. Backstab me and I'm finished, omg. But bro. I trust you! I don't think you will. You're like my diary, bro. HAHA. The tiniest craziest feelings, I let you know all. Believe or not, when the most craziest stuff bothers me and I couldn't blog about it, I tell you. Damn, look how much I love you. I even told you all the dramas in the squad

Yeah I feel old. Because I have this friend that I talk to. She talked to me when I broke up. Now I'm trying to help her. She said, I talk with more sense now. And she feels like getting to know older peeps instead of college kiddos.
"Wow is that a good thing?"
Yeah of course it is.
Does she badminton?
No, highschool bestie. Closest bestie.

I'm no good speaker. If you cry in front of me, I have no words. Maybe I can give you a hug, let you rant until you're happy enough. Maybe I can just stay there with you and... I'm not sure what to say, usually.
But it's a very cool thing to know, telling my own shits helped. Telling how my life went and how I got tru it, helped. This is how grateful I am rn.

Good to be home. I hope they all don't get drunk. I hope you all don't get drunk. Honestly I'm so not used to calling him just ck. It used to be ck Tina like whenever I told mom about who I'm with, I'd be like "ET Loong". Sed. I'm sorry that our kind let you down...

ET actually asked me.
"Do you love me more or Loong more?"
I love you both equally. Hahaha.
"I love you more." There he goes giving the fluttering face. HAHA. Crazy ass.

Be safe.

I'm a hapi kid.
I just hope I improve badminton more. Haih.

I'm not doing things well these days. Holidays, but guitar progress not as good as imagined. I didn't even touch violin oh fuck. I'm supposed to be on diet, keeping fit, make everything better before degree starts. I am, watching movies, reading books, I am trying to run. But uh let's forget the running part. Everything's just going okay, not good and not crazy awesome. I feel like a piece of shit parasite. I need to work, or get to degree. I need to get out more. Even tho I am already going out.... But it isn't right. I'm playing too much badminton and not doing anything else. That's wrong. I'm going to fall in love with hanging around with ET squad, then feel completely different and empty once degree starts.

Haih. Let's hope I get back on track to LIFE, soon. Soon!

Damn it.

Replay

I was doing some recording of my own playing. Oh my. I suck. I can't even make a perfect record of Sor. How am I gonna play the third piece? Siao.

I accidentally saved one that I was supposed to delete. So I played every single one of the records to find that audio.

Hmm what's this. Oh I played secret on piano.
The records I made for pabo to practice.
These?
Omg. I said these when I was tipsy.

There goes my crazy voice. And the rest of the group. Loong's, ET's, V's, Swt's voice. They're all in there.

I might not have a complete group photo to prove that there was at least once, everything wasn't apart.
But I have their voices.

Their voices months ago. When everything wasn't falling apart.

Or did they? At that time...
The laughs, the cheers, were they real?
I'm not even sure anymore.

Then there was another one.
That's Wood's voice. And pineapple's. We had lunch in Vary pasta. Haha. Great old times. That I guarantee, was real. But it couldn't happen anymore...

Still, conclusion: bro stick to small circles. If not you'd question what's real and what's not in the memories, and you'll never know......

Cries.

Characterless

I found myself needing to draft, from time to time. Why? Why am I scared to put real stuff up? It's my blog.

I don't know how often you read them. I don't know how accurate you can guess the real stories about what I wrote here. Even if I wrote them without character, you might guess. And you might guess correctly.

Once again I'm sorry for keeping certain stuff to myself. Priority list changes. For me, maybe... he will be out of the priority list but somewhere really really special that no one could ever replace. Then he, he is slowly climbing up.

I had to remind myself, do not treat guys as besties. Because once friendship gets crazy close, it might spark. Then friendships get ruined. It's a special case for this guy. I think he's one of my closest friends already, but this one would never spark at all! Ha. No idea what gave me this thought, but he'd friendzone me and I'd friendzone him so it would be a win win friendship situation. But other guys aren't like that I guess.

Once you treat him as a bestie, he might fall for you. Then the reason you could tell him everything...... Disappears. He wants you, your life, he wants to be with you that's why. So if you reject, he might just run away. You lose a bestie. Heartbreakingly..

Everything's possible. Even when I thought someone brotherzones me. Sisterzones me.

I'm not sure what you're gonna guess this time. But.... I hope you understand. Sometimes... It's the security level that changes the order of priority lists. Maybe I couldn't tell you as much anymore. I hope you don't simply set conclusions in this because I'm not just talking about one guy in this post.

Trust and comfort level could go down. It went down quite a lot because of... Stuff. I think it's not wrong for having someone else climbing up to the top. Sometimes I'd hope you don't read them this frequently so I can write whatever I want. It's like...

I'm not sorry. I'm just... I duno.

It's different when you hear stories from both sides. He says this, he says that. You listen to both sides, then make your decision that you thought it would be the best. Like when you're in the middle, listening to what she said then what she said. You get worried because you sense the distant between the two. But in this case, not distant, more like.... Opinion difference. You did what's best. Then it sounds like you ruined it all. Then you receive some shit talk that doesn't make any sense.

I know what's gonna happen, man. You didn't expect that, but I did. It's the consequences, so don't be guilty. That's not your problem anymore. That's mine. When the words are out, I know what would happen. When one photo is sent, I know. But maybe I didn't know you would be that quick, but I knew what you'd do. He didn't mind. So settle down, don't hope for the best.

"What can I do? It's a process."
Yeah it's a process.

I'm thankful he didn't tell me that he had feelings for her that even before he left me. I couldn't get any more broken. Haha. The guy I thought I would spend my entire lifetime with, developing feelings for another girl when we were facing hardship. Was it a coincidence then? Or like he said, he was finding an excuse to put me away? It doesn't matter anymore. Thank you for telling me just earlier this year.

You bursted my bubble. I told myself, good guys exist, but you and I couldn't be together because we spark too much, we combust. I used to tell myself, I'm secured with you. I believed you wouldn't do anything with girls behind my back. I guess I was wrong. I was always wrong about you anyway.