.

Maybe I have an issue. Maybe I have a seasonal mood swing. I honestly don't really know what's wrong with me. It's August it's just August. Maybe there's a time of the year I start being a useless shit. I should lock myself in my room and stop human interaction. There's always this period that all my drafts, my posts became a tiny fullstop. There's always this period...

I feel like I've been hurting people. I walk around, whenever I start to speak, I hurt someone. I'm starting to feel sorry for people around me. Why am I like this? I'm not supposed to be like this.

I spoke harsh to mom, to grandma. I get annoyed so easily. I felt like I'm starting to stop conversations. I last seened my bestie. I gave ine word replies to people that care about me. I scolded my friend. I was pretty unhappy with so many people. What is wrong with me???

Somehow I thought maybe I shouldn't go out anymore. I should stop hurting people with my shitty words. I should stop talking. Stop existing.

Ugh. I'm starting to think, if this moment I go for drinks I'd start cursing all the way. Just like I did on that day.

LA's supposed to help me. Seems like it's losing power.

I don't wanna fuck up my fist again just for someone unworthy like you.

That's like the meanest thing that's appeared in my head for so long, I'm glad I didn't say it out loud.

.

What are you doing after this trip?
Fall into crippling depression.
I laughed, then realized, he wasn't kidding at all.

I realized, shits happen when people starts overthinking. There was a time, I thought I was overthinking the whole situation. It wasn't completely because of me overthinking anyway. We've gone tru hardshits. He was stressed. The stress passes down to me. Therefore I was stressed.

One very fucking sad song with a fucking emotional music video triggered it all. I was being desperate. That probably annoyed him. The more he avoids, the more I thought, I was losing him. So I was right.

I did wrong. What's the point realizing you did wrong after every shit you've done?

I can't say that I don't ever punch my rage out of everything. I never punched blood out of my fist tho, this is definitely new. When wood was with me. When I was fucking depressed without wanting anyone to know, I got my fist swollen. Haha. Boys will be boys. I can never tell much about him. I'd ruin his image towards my fam, and he wouldn't like that. So I guess I chose to tell the walls. Walls wouldn't hurt people. It hurts me back. Haha. Good wall.

It stopped happening for a very long time. I can't remember the last time I got my fist swollen. Oh well,

Idk what's happening out there. I'm at my comfort zone. My room, my paradise. Maybe mom's ran away from home. She did that all the time anyway. Such a fucking great way to escape. If I were her, I wouldn't drive myself somewhere alone to cry. I'd get myself some drinks, I'd get fucking happy and spend a night alone, maybe. She's just pure dumb.

No one's gonna be there for you. You gotta be there for yourself.
Yeah someone's gonna be there for you. But eventually, they get tired of your bullshit. So if you don't pick yourself up, nobody will.

This is what my first breakup taught me anyway.
Your first love is the first one who breaks your heart.

In your case, that would be dad.

.

I fucking hate this shit. Sometimes I question myself, why do shits keep happening? These recently. I've got off a plane. I've got back from several trips. I'm fucking thankful that I have a perfectly normal fam and a grandma who can cook so well, so well that I'm happily willing to turn down dinner night outs with some friends that I might not even see them ever again.

When life gives you different choices. You get to choose. You feel like you've been distant from being away so much, you miss squad A. You get to choose, squad A or squad B. You do know that you're almost never gonna see squad B anymore. So which one?

I miss grandma's dishes, but I miss them all too, birthday meals are still on. But am I doing too much? Are they necessary?

My mind tells me to keep the shits to myself. Stay out of business, stay happy, stay contained. I was pretty bored after all those trips. I kept thinking bout the things I should've done. I'm supposed to be reading up on new syllabuses. I'm supposed to be looking up on interns just in case. I'm not supposed to miss anyone else who's been living their life busily.

But sometimes, shits come to us. They give you a pair of teary eyes, begging you for help when you know there is nothing you can do. They force your nose out and yell for help. They make your blood boil and put you into a situation where you say something wrong and you get all the blame. I didn't even say anything.
I'm supposed to be fucking sad to leave home cuz I would miss them all. I'm supposed to be spending the time super fucking wisely just so I know I do a good job appreciating all of them friends and fam. But can you believe it? I can't wait! I can't wait to leave! I thought I was scared. Scared that I might be too antisocial and not get any super duper close friends like how it went in A levels. I'm supposed to be scared of the dark, scared of sitting alone just because I've been watching too much horror movies that I pee being fucking alert at all times.

I can't wait to leave. You know?

Mom. I know you have a fucking fucked up tough life. But partly, that's your fault! You don't have to do this. You don't have to stick your nose out of everything and blame yourself when life aren't going the way it should be ! So leave it. Love is a choice. Maintaining a relationship is a decision. Dad is a fucking boss. He wouldn't let go pride for anything. You don't tell me your shits. Cuz I can't fucking help you. You will ruin my idea of forever, oh wait you don't even have to, cuz my EX did that already. Nothing's gonna last forever so leave it. So accept it. Stop telling me. I can't help you. I can't help the way grandma is mean to your mom too. I can't help. Yes indeed you feel helpless. And when you tell me, you fuck up my day, that's all. Stop. Let me go.

Going on trips

I wanna talk about the two places. Ok recently I've been to three places. Taiwan, Japan and Penang. I guess I already talked about the chaoticness in Taiwan.

Tbh...... It's always chaotic, wherever I go. There's always dramas, dramas, dramas. Japan, it would be aunt.

I remember when I was young, I always threw tantrums on her. I hated her very much, but I didn't remember why. After this trip, I remember.

She's a very straightforward and short tempered person. That sounds fine, right? But going on a trip depending on her, that's not fine. Of course, we all tried our very best to tolerate her, to ignore every mean thing she said. We tried to treat her right. To accept that she's just aged and grumpy. But I did said something mean back to her.

Living under stress wasn't pleasant at all. You can look at all the photos I've posted. The selfies, the smiles, getting lesser and lesser. I thought I was doing fine. I thought I could manage a week under someone like this. I remember, at the very day 7, my sister talked to mom loudly, warning her that we'd get scolded if we delay. I told sis, speak softer and dont let aunt hear us. She said, she wants to let her hear.

The very last day, she threw my book. And I said,
Do you think I bring my book for you to throw?
I remember stomping across the room to get it back, then blasting loud music in my earphones. The stomping was satisfying cuz Japan houses are made of wood.

I know, I did wrong. But I was really damn fucking pissed tho. You can treat me like shit, you can talk to me like a slave. But you do not touch my belongings. You don't treat my stuff like shit. I can accept the shit, but I won't tolerate when you treat them that way.

I'm pretty sure, somewhere I did said, Japan trip was finally over. In some ways, it's a relieve. I'm glad it ended. I'm glad I get my freedom back, and I could finally breathe without being alert that I might do anything wrong and get dissed in anyway.

Honestly, I really don't hate her. In many ways, I do know how to convince myself how to be okay when humans are being bitches. But well...... There aren't always great times.

How about Penang? There are smaller dramas. Dramas just within my own damn head tbh.

It's the gay couple. Five of us went to a trip. Me, shell, hoodie, class rep and his bf. It was pretty okay when everyone's energetic. But near the end of the trip, the couple was getting lazier and lazier. We bought a thirty ringgit bus pass, and we get a week of unlimited bus service. They started wanting to call Grab instead. Oh that's actually fine. You wanna waste money and drag all of us to do that with you guys, that's pretty fine. But then. There are five of us. I can't believe you're willing to lie and lie, and lie, put up a show, pretend that you never know the law. How would 19 year old teens not know the law? Plus you're even lying about your age. I'm pretty okay to go for Grab, but to lie about it just to save money from calling a six seated Grab? That's unethical. That's fucked up. You want to save money? Take bus, the one we all payed for at the first day of the trip. I can't believe it man... It's all tolerating the babies. The oldest ones act like the most immature ones.

They decided to exclude orange from the trip, just because she was whiney from the level of tireness we had from the last trip. I know, walking this much, is indeed tiring. I was tired too I just didn't make any noise. She did a tiny complain and she's out. I think the couple did much worse than she did. All she did was telling us that she has to rest. But the couples, they found an easy way out, to drag all of us down the unethical route. Which one's worse?

I'm pretty sure I had a mind full of thoughts, but I didn't really show. I don't think I can go out with gay couples anymore. I'm a terrible friend.

I dislike immature old kids treating me like a kid. But I know you're 9 years older than I am afterall, so I should definitely tolerate you like my aunt.

Maybe I'm just better going solo. Or an ever smaller group. Four girls is better than a gay couple plus two girls one guy. Or maybe I just couldn't tolerate the unethical part. Treat me like a kid and I'd slowly disrespect you. But go unethical, I judge you in my heart, and I guess that'll be the last trip we'd go together. I'd proudly be excluded, maybe it's a good thing orange didn't go, they might have conflicts.

I'm so happy to be home. It's not that all the trips sucked. It's just...... Living a life without trips are tiring enough. It makes me return home and feel the house full of peacefulness. It makes me miss my grandma's cooking and my sister's mess.

In this trip, I think I connect the most with hoodie. He's a very innocent guy. I'm happy he started telling me things when he was sober. And he told me even more when he got tipsy. We drank, twice. The second time, I took his drinks. We weren't that good at lying dices, but I didn't wanna lose just to let him drink lesser. I'd rather let him lose and I take his drinks. I don't get how he gets tipsy tho. Five bottles, and the two boys drank with ice. How did he get tipsy??? He confessed to me tho. He confessed that he's given up. So it's cool that he tells. Thanks for telling me. I knew them earlier anyway, but it takes balls to do that. You're innocent AF, but definitely manly than the couple. I hope life doesn't turn you into a jerk. And like you say, let's stay friends. We're that cool.

I connect more with shell too. She's too adorable. In among five of us, I think the most manly ones are actually shell and I. I mean, mentally. Physically, of course, hoodie and class rep's bf win. Then it'll be me. Haha. I do hope we stay in touch. 😭😭

So when people ask, how's your holiday? How's Jap? How's Penang? I'd say, it's awesome. It was awesome, just if we ignore the shits....

Shore talk

We're having a penang trip. Five days trip. I thought it was too crazy long but oh well...

Many inner thoughts. There's just five of us, me, shell, hoodie, class rep and his bf. This is a very extremely weird couple. Especially his bf. Idk how else to describe him besides weird. But class rep's weird too sometimes. I guess it's a nice match.

That day they brought us to a bar. I thought the price was okay, but it wasn't actually that okay. but at least we get to have free snacks. That day, I realized hoodie seems pretty sed. Class rep told him, let's enjoy these five days and not think about shits.

I used to think, I'm not really connected to my coursemates and Idk why. No matter how much I try, it's not there. I thought, we may look close, but that's just how it looks. I find it hard to start conversations. I'd have to avoid awkwardness and start it anyway. How do we start?

How's life.
What are you doing after this trip.

Hoodie says, falling into crippling depression.

Today I talked to him. I guess I felt bad whenever everyone speaks in Chinese and he couldn't understand. I told him about ET squad, Loong squad, moon, etc. Then he told me about his crippling depression. His parents. His mom sounds like me tho. The me before breaking up with wood. The me who was desperately needing his trust. I'm a free soul. I can't be tied up. I can, maybe. But there's a limit.

We both were wrong.
He shouldn't put all his stress on me, making my day terrible, suffocated.
I shouldn't get affected by his treatment, I knew how stressed he was.

He asked me, which one's priority? Love or freedom?
I think both. If you love someone, you give them the freedom. If they love you back, they should know their boundary, they will not let you feel insecured at all. That's how. You trust.

It's pretty sentimental.

Just sitting by the shore, legs dangling. The breeze was crazy. There was so much saltiness in the air. Haha. Great talk, hoodie. This is like the first time listening to your inner voice. The reason of your crippling depression.

To me, going on a vacation with people that you're not completely connected with, is to connect. You bond. Of course, you enjoy, but speaking it out would make you enjoy even more afterwards, isn't that right?

Seaweed says he's going on a trip to Taiwan with peeps he doesn't even connect with. It's like my case tho. I said, don't sigh, just go. Maybe there's a chance to get closer?

And these type of conversation is how.

.

I can't believe this. Mom bought clothes for us. It's Tshirts again, but.... Nice Tshirts. I look hideous tbh. I was putting on those clothes, thinking why this couldn't match that. Why this couldn't match this. Why ? I have to go shopping. I need blue jeanish shorts, maybe that could go well.

But then again if I think hard... I already have them. I just couldn't fit in them. Honestly, if I have that fucking perfect body, everything would match everything. Fuck.

All I have to do is fucking lose weight. Yeah. I don't need to buy anything. Just fucking lose weight.

I have to admit, I'm getting fat. Day by day, I never really controlled my diet. I started ab workout from YESTERDAY right after weighing myself. Fuck this! I don't get how my motivation died.

It's worst when people you never met for a long time says that you're fat behind your back. Hey. I rather you say it directly to me, that would make a deeper stab, maybe you'd make me quit supper ever since.

Or maybe all I have to do is just......

Quitting beer.

I think it's fucking sad. When you discovered another thing that you really like, but you couldn't continue to like it. It makes me fat, as fast as spaghetti does, but then again, if I workout daily, can I still drink?

To think of it, I've only known ET and Loong for probably around nine months. Fuck. That's not long at all. But it felt like I've known them for so long. Probably because we often meet up. So I've started drinking for seven months.

I think it's inevitable tho. Everything in life lingers around that. Not gonna explain how and why. Oh well today I had a realization.

Every Wednesday after class I'd walk to the end of the row of shops, and sit there. There was nothing much, just a kopitiam with terrible food. I'd read my book, and play my phone. There'd be two person hanging around too, each constant Wednesday. Well today they told me to go over and sit with them. I went, so we talked.

They work in the pub. It's pretty obvious, cuz the guy wears a Tshirt with "Asahi" printed there. The people around there drinks a lot. I'm not joking. The whole fucking row of shops,,,, half of them are bars and bistros. Even when it's not, you can get alcohol easily there. There's even a shop called "Wine kaki". A very cool place. Whenever I passed by, the entire shop is decorated with wine bottles. It's filled with wine! Fucking high end shits. 

I remember when I was little, dad said these places are dangerous. Only adults are allowed to enter. Now I know, that's not exactly true. Lol. You still get to see older peeps struggling to open the whiskey box. You get to see peeps just drinking sparkling juices or tea. There's even a cupcake shop, and a CAT CAFE. I should visit there someday. But I felt like it's not possible anymore. I'm going away.

Many things aren't possible anymore.

Sometimes I'd imagine myself in uni, staring at the walls just because I couldn't blend in. What if I couldn't blend in? Before I went to college, I was so afraid at the same thing, I took every opportunity to go out with them. It was like... Like a business meet thingy. Maybe this is why I never really got super close besties like those from highschool? Maybe this is why. Maybe I just didn't let my heart connect with theirs. I suck. Ugh.

But then again, I will get new friends. Maybe I have to trust people. People are gonna betray us. They'd judge us. But this is a good risk. Right? At least there is a chance of getting true friends. Why am I thinking so much?

There are people I care about right now. People that makes me appreciate the time being here rn. Come on. I'll get a new life there and I'll enjoy it. Maybe I won't miss here so damn bad.

They aren't gonna fade away. We'd still play badminton. They'd still invite me along to drink. We'd go out randomly for supper, or maybe just to talk and talk and talk. We gonna singk, we're gonna have fun.

Fucking oblivious. Why am I like this. Zzz ish.

Today's badminton is like the second last time with them. It makes me fucking sad tho. Even tho I don't know this weds squad so well. They're still nice, if we notice.

There's organizer, his sister, Sing, Z, Jef. I'm probably never seeing them soon after I start degree. Haih. Ish. They've played for 10 years, I asked. So 3 years aren't that long. I'll be gone for a bit, but I'll be back every sem break, every tiny holiday. And it'll be awesome.

Gah. Stahp ok sleep.

Catch ups

I kept reminiscing about Sunday, Loong's very tipsy wild attitude. It was hilarious. Damn. But then again, I think he did revealed some of that wildness when we hang around after badminton...

Did you think we were gonna let you go on your 21th birthday?
With that expression. I'll remember that. Definitely.

Somehow I'm pretty nervous. What are they gonna do? Make me drunk? That would be my second year to degree. Will I still be here? Will I choose a twinning program thingy and fly off? I have no idea.

Today I went out with LCW. Well, it was supposed to be last Thursday. Life was busy. Mom booked my evening too, but he asked to postpone, so I gave the night to mom. I wonder why, how do I stay occupied during this break? I go out with friends, so much. I can't believe it. Haha.

Before that, I weighed myself and finally found the motivation to begin abs workout. Yeah. I stopped for awhile. Terrible, eh? I found videos, ways. I have to maintain that shit until I get my body back. Faaak. Aaaaand then I went out for fattening food.

It was good catch up. Even tho sometimes I might ask myself, is it a good idea to go out with a guy? My last mistake was terrible. Going out with one guy is very extremely dangerous. We never know what their intentions are. Even if they don't have intention, going out with a guy means...... Telling him I feel pretty secured with you.

I can't believe we really actually bumped into Moon when we went for second round. I half expected that tho. He didn't look surprise at all, weird. Bleh. We drank. Ok not we. Just I drank. One small amount wouldn't do harm.

Catching up with LCW.... Seems different. He's like one of my oldest friends who knew all about my past. I used to hate prefects so much, when he stood at the opposite side, I smashed him every opportunity I could, just to release the grudge I have against prefects. I'm glad he made me unhate him. Haha. He's a crazy god-like person. The one who couldn't really fail anything. The example of someone who's definitely gonna success like crazy.

Back home I was trying to make up with my fam. Dad, especially. I made him watch Legend of the blue sea. Great laughing therapy. Then moon came.

AH I KENOT. I'm not kidding. I have a lot, a lot to update. I'm not sure what you know yet and what you knew. But there's so much I didn't tell you yet. I just hate using whatsapp tbh. Telling face to face is just much better. Look at how I suddenly could bear the shit weather just now. Trust me, if you can stand it, I'd talk a lot more. Ahaha.

Until next time. :3 GAH. I can't believe we hadn't been meeting up for this long that I couldn't finish spilling everything.