I miss them

My life has officially been turned upside down. I felt like the past two years disappeared entirely. I officially accepted wood back. I officially declared, I'm suddenly away from single and free and crazy wild life.

I miss them tho. I've never break the snap streaks. Still in contact with the A level bois.

Yip man them, of course. Rivergrass too. We talked a little recently. But that's pretty much enough for updating purposes.

Life has been busy, I miss them. The badminton squad. F9 squad. Loong squad. Idk when's the last time I saw Gold. Idk when's the last time I heart talk with ET. Idk what's Moon up to.

Sometimes in the middle of the night.
In the middle of a 2pm lecture.

I'd swipe through those photos. I'd hear their voices. Those laughters. My head would picture their smiles.

I miss them. I skipped a week of Sunday badminton because Wood wasn't free to fetch me that late, plus he hoped that I skip that session because of my bad arm. And this week we shouldn't be playing too much too cuz we both have a test on Monday.

But I miss them. After this week it would be the second week without badminton with them. Crazy, huh.

I had to squeeze my brain to remember what they said.
Loong said, he'd not let me go on my birthdays.
ET said, when they organize trips, he'd drag me along and let me have some new explorations.
He said, we're not the kind of friend that are gonna be hanging around for one to two years.

Yeah.

Believe them. Please. Yh.

He said, you're supposed to rest, because I didn't tell him the arm issue earlier and now it's worsening.

It scares me when he said, you'd not be able to lift your arm if you kept ignoring the weakness.

I'm not losing contact with them. I'm just taking a break.

"What makes you accept him back?"

Having this coming out from my diminish actually stings. I'm sorry.

Life told me, everything is temporary. This is why I took loads of photos with the gang. This is why, I took loads of photos with wood rn. I believe they will be gone, but still, I risked and got close to them.

Life are gonna take people away.
But I'll always remember them.

Hopefully it doesn't take my arm. If it does, Idk what channel I have in common with the squad.

Alcohol? You gotta be kidding me.

ET said, you're coming back every week for now, but that would be temporary. At the end, you'd have friends there and forget all of us.

No I won't. I might seem like I have, but I won't! You have no idea.

The idea of everything is temporary.
To think of it, ET was one of the people that helped me tru the two years. And this is how I developed his perception towards life.

It's heartbreaking how matured people would have a slight negative thinking, just because they've gone tru some real shits. I'm glad that they're happy, and able to accept people even with that mindset. It must be pretty hard.

.

I realized sometimes I cry and cry, and punch the metal cabinet, hit the wall. Then I thought so hard, why am I being frustrated? Am I sad? Or mad? No. I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me.

So I blog, and blog, I typed out a little summary of what happened, only I realized.

Oh.

This is why. And the solution? There is no solution.

I allowed someone to make me feel terrible.

This is why.

I'm so scared of losing myself, then blindly telling myself how happy I'm going to be, how worthy it will be after everything.

I know that that isn't true. I know that I couldn't just let the past repeat itself. Was I happy? Yeah I was. I was fucking happy.

Is the self defense helping me ?

I don't think so anymore. Maybe this was what holding me back during A levels. This is why I don't ever connect crazily with those coursemates. I'm pretty sure it's gonna happen in uni too.

.

I'm so tired. I thought everything was going fine. i went for a trip with him. The first day he reapproached me was on the tenth of August. It was the day A2 results was out. He knew because I announced for the A levels people to check theirs.

I told myself, he approached me. I know I gave up entirely on him. He came back. Maybe I should give it one last try. If we miscommunicate again, I'll make him fuck off my life.

Everything was going fine. I know that he wants me back, but I developed a self defense system. It was safe. I controlled well. Even if I had the urge to go back to him, I wouldn't tell him. i wouldn't make this reckless decision. As long as I'm free, I'm safe from bullshits.

We were too close. That was the only mistake. We spent the no class times together, meals together. Whatever he asked, I agreed. As long as it has nothing to do about going back to him, I agreed to be close with him all these times. When he invited me to a Ipoh trip, I said yes.

And that's where shits happened. I always felt bad for his bestie. He treated her like shit. I know he cares. But she's human too. She has feelings too. She's slow, but she gets hurt too.

Everyday I told myself, if we miscommunicate, leave forever.
Everyday I told myself, don't be reckless, observe more before I make a stupid decision.
Everyday I told myself, he wants me back, of course he would try to agree with anything I say.

And this is the day.

I realized I was really scared of making him pissed.
Scared of the miscommunication. No mstter how much I tell myself not to hope, but I fucking hope that the miscommunication will not happen. I hoped that one day it doesn't take so much effort to not live that carefully around him.

Why is it so hard?
And when we had arguments, why didn't I leave him forever like I promised myself to?

These two years, one thing that developed in me was be cruel to my heart. If it's fucking up my life, say goodbye no matter how painful it is. One thing that developed in me was be good to myself and throw away all the toxic despite that addiction.

So he got back into my life and fucked this self defense system up?

Why am I so scared to love?
Because it makes us so blind! They eat our soul up and we proudly allow them to! This is what it does to me.

Believe you? I don't know. It kinda sounds like "give me the power to destroy you".

I don't believe you. But my heart wants to believe you. After what happened, I was supposed to make you fuck off my life. But look at me dumbly telling you that I want us to talk peacefully.

Can you tell what's happening ?

The thing I most afraid is going blind like how I did two years ago. I feel so fucked up right now. I'm so pissed at myself. I'm so pissed that I couldn't cruelly tell you, "Fuck off."

Miracles

When I tapped into stories and saw rivergrass's. I was stunned, and I replayed it, and replayed it. It was a short cute video.

Can a relationship that has been ended for six years revive? They did. It was so lovely. My heart full of butterflies. Please stay sweet. Gahhh too adorable 😍😭😭 I got hyped.

Wood says, look, miracles do happen.

Guess what the voice said?
If it's a happy ending, then it's not the end.

That's so cruel. I think if that voice inside voices out to happy couples, I would get punched. Hey I'm not cursing you all. I really do hope you lovely people stay sweet until the end.

He gave me a poker face.

I don't deny that it's a miracle. But it's a miracle that we worked for together.

Yeah. You're right.

I was breaking myself into pieces the past few years. Dumb as fuck. I could've just lived normally, not giving any shit to anyone. Carefreely. Then maybe life will still go normal and awesome. I didn't have to fill myself with these kinds of new "reality" thoughts and kill every single positive possibility.

I did thought of going back to him.

Ignore the voices, and give it one last try. Risk it, or I'll never know if it works, right?

I missed him. So much.
He's back to me, matured than ever.

There were so so many times I thought telling him things might piss him off. There were so many times I expected myself to get twenty stabs in the heart. But then, he bit my arm, lightly as ever. He said, it's okay. He was softer as ever. Everytime I expected myself to get some cold slap in the face, I get a light pinch and a smile.

He's back, softer. He said, in the future he would be busier. But even if the quantity reduces, the quality will be there, he said. He said, he would never give up. He said, these years he tried to go after some other people, but they didn't work, cuz it's just not right.

I don't wanna view it as him unable to find someone else then he comes back to me.
Even tho the voice may force me to think like that.

Give it a try.
Give it a try.

I think it's cool that sometimes I can feel two voices. Haha. It's starting to grow.

One side telling me not to believe.
Another side telling me to embrace him.

Wood will always win.

Miracles happen, but it takes both of us to work together for it.

It begins from me alone, of course it failed.
Now it's him alone.

I don't wanna push him away, actually...
Stubborn ass heart.

I'm so fucking conflicting.

Upside down updates.

I'm not sure what happened to us. I'm not sure what happened to my life too.

Everything's literally upside down. Wood's back around me, sweetest as ever. Moon's gone forever. But the difference is, I wasn't quite welcoming wood back into my arms. I think It trying to let go of the past. To let go of everything he did that might scare the shit out of me. I'm trying to accept that he really wasn't the same anymore. He said, when he came close to me, my heart says no. It's um.... Surprising how he can read my heart. He said, it lasts for five seconds maximum. He says, he will never give up. I remember I said that too. I said that for a year, and finally I realized it was time to let go. He will give up when he realized it too.

Moon case, I'm not sure. I'm gonna assume that I lost this friend. Maybe I was too harsh? I wasn't that harsh, I thought. I don't know. We're basically having icy cold conversation. It's like we had a big argument and we decided to end this friendship. Did we? I dont know. I only know, when he gave me a letter, I muted him. I was pissed. I only know, this recently I am really pissed at him. Pissed that he gave me a letter. Pissed that he wasn't helping at all. I thought we were appreciating each other's Kindness.

Does a relation end just because of concern? Do we screw up strong bonds from caring? One of the reasons wood broke up with me. He cared too much, and exhausted himself to his very boundary. I don't like moon's attitude. I really don't. This is why, the most we can be would be friends. But this is why, I couldn't have much confidence in this friendship. I'm sorry that I get offended easily. If I text you to ask how the fuck you are, I would never expect you to give such a rude answer. Even if it's a joke, my fault then, being annoyed at how you joke. I used to hate the way you act during badminton games. But I guess I forced myself to half accept that. You're like that, and I know you. You're not mean, you're just being you, joking in an inappropriate way in my opinion. That's none of my business. But are you gonna hate me for being easily offended? To give me a letter just because of that?

The difference between the current me and the old me, I will not swallow my pride to beg for something stupid. Everything is temporary, and I accept that.

Give me a letter and I will hate you. Because you know how much I hate that letter. I will not apologize for being such a short tempered person. You can do the things you like. Mock people. Be rude. But to intentionally do the things that you knew how much I hate it, that's unforgivable.

We are done.

I'm still assuming he wouldn't read this, according to how cold our conversations have become. I accept reality. I will be mad, very mad at you for a couple days, a couple hours. But I will get over it. I'm so glad that wood left me, and allowed my perception of reality to develop this way. I'm so glad, I can literally get over you shitty people.

I remember when it was his birthday, I was at Japan. I felt bad for not being there for him. But my heart was there anyway. My heart was there for ET, Loong, Cinnamon and also Moon. I got myself some ebony wood pieces. There I decided to carve his name.

It wasn't perfect, but ebony is one of the strongest woods in the world. I wanted to say, I meant it. Despite the cruel reality, despite how much I hate and unhate you that inconsistently, I hope you will always remember that we used to be close. I guess. I was right anyway.

Relationships never last. Friendships are no different. Everything ends.

Wood made so much effort to show that he really cares for me. I saw it, I felt it all. But still. I have this voice inside. This voice that tells me, don't fall for it. Look at your best friend. I will always believe, shits will always happen when you're at the happiest point of your life.

It's a great day today.
Which means tomorrow I will suffer.

Someone special can be the guy you call when you're so terrified.
Someone special can be the guy that pops up in to your mind once you finish busying, he could be the first one you want to run to, and update everything.
It can wait, when it didn't happen.
It can wait.

At the end, he still leaves your life.

Such a great example of reality.

Gosh, I realized I do have a little tiny hope in this friendship. I realized, there is disappointment. But there. There there, cheers to life, that you can never fall as low as I did before. Bring everything, everyone away from me and look at me being fine.

.

And suddenly I'm getting free time, sitting in an air con room, chilling. I'm starting to go blank. I think...

I'm thinking about texting him, but I know, he has an exam tomorrow. I don't, Shandy doesn't too. We're pretty free. And then... I don't know if I should text him. I'm starting to think, I don't really know him anymore.

He has a test tomorrow. If I text him, is he gonna explode and kill me? I don't know. But I'm afraid he would. I was thinking, I shouldn't judge him by the past. I shouldn't expect this and that. I shouldn't just...... I don't know. I shouldn't just assume that he'll always be him.

I think I should try to get to know him all over again. I should allow him to self intro again.

Two years back, the voice said:
We're not broken just bent.
He said he'd be my first and last, so be patience.
A year ago it changed to:
He will never come back.
Promises are temporary, sad truth bout life.
And now...
He came back. The problem is, until when?
Don't trust, don't give in.
To love is to destroy.
Love makes us blind, makes us dumb and stupid, it kills us! Fuck that shit, I'm awesome alone.

He said, he will never give up.
You will. It says, you will give up. You'll get tired of me like you did before, and you will leave. But guess what? You can't hurt me. I'm heartless. Try me.

And I feel sorry for him.
I'm sorry that people change. This is life.

I'm sorry that I wouldn't try to make efforts.
Cuz you made too much. I don't know see where we're going. We're not gonna progress from that, don't you see?

I need to reintroduce myself, that I'm a fucking negative person. Yes. I believe that promises never last. I believe everything is temporary. I'm always ready for my friends to leave. The newest ones that got close to me would know how frequent I take photos. They would know how much appreciation I showed. But when they leave, I believe that it's fate. Fate wants to end this relation, end it. Life wants to make this friend leave, bring him away. But at the same time, I accept this fate. I may be pissed, sad for a little moment. But this is also, temporary. This is something everyone should have, I believe. To save themselves from damage..

I'm sorry that it breaks you seeing the way I'm different. But look, I'm happy, aren't I?

.

When the world gives you everything you wanted. You wanted an okay result, you wanted your ex to come back to you. But you no longer want that. You adapted to change, in order to make it tru that shitty time. You learnt to be alone, to party, to be happy just by being yourself.

You finally get all you wanted.
But that's not how, right?

We evolve, we don't reverse evolution. Survival of the fittest. You became fit, and you got thrown back to the old environment.

Let's just say, I forget all the shits that happened in the past.
Everyone has to learn to forgive and forget, in order to move on. What if I finally did it? And it didn't want me to.

I tried. I want to feel again. I allowed you to pick up my cold hands. There was nothing. It's not there anymore. I'm so sorry.

Idk what happened to me.

I can look at you, admire you the same, even more, whenever you motivate, whenever your passion shows. You're still that fucking attractive when you help people.

I thought, this is how I felt before I fell for you.

Is it possible to fall for someone for the very second time right after all hopes and dreams have died off? Is it possible to regain all that faith?

I don't even do anything when I had crush on people. I feel so empty, so empty that I don't feel like doing anything to fix that.

I taught myself, when shits happened, tell yourselves, "This is life." And move on. This is how, how we survive. Isn't it ?

I no longer feel anything when you tried to hold me, or hug me, there was nothing at all...

You know I'm done with love, when I started saying things like this when I was drunk.

Have you ever gotten so disappointed you give up to the point where it's just... Nothing anymore ?

I'm so sorry people. I'm not sad. I'm not unhappy or anything, it's been the second week of degree, and life has turned upside down. Everyone started throwing me questions, and I'm starting to say "meh" to everything. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I finally understand why, rivergrass once told me that it wasn't a good thing to not get affected by things.

Because you forget how to feel.