Miracles

When I tapped into stories and saw rivergrass's. I was stunned, and I replayed it, and replayed it. It was a short cute video.

Can a relationship that has been ended for six years revive? They did. It was so lovely. My heart full of butterflies. Please stay sweet. Gahhh too adorable 😍😭😭 I got hyped.

Wood says, look, miracles do happen.

Guess what the voice said?
If it's a happy ending, then it's not the end.

That's so cruel. I think if that voice inside voices out to happy couples, I would get punched. Hey I'm not cursing you all. I really do hope you lovely people stay sweet until the end.

He gave me a poker face.

I don't deny that it's a miracle. But it's a miracle that we worked for together.

Yeah. You're right.

I was breaking myself into pieces the past few years. Dumb as fuck. I could've just lived normally, not giving any shit to anyone. Carefreely. Then maybe life will still go normal and awesome. I didn't have to fill myself with these kinds of new "reality" thoughts and kill every single positive possibility.

I did thought of going back to him.

Ignore the voices, and give it one last try. Risk it, or I'll never know if it works, right?

I missed him. So much.
He's back to me, matured than ever.

There were so so many times I thought telling him things might piss him off. There were so many times I expected myself to get twenty stabs in the heart. But then, he bit my arm, lightly as ever. He said, it's okay. He was softer as ever. Everytime I expected myself to get some cold slap in the face, I get a light pinch and a smile.

He's back, softer. He said, in the future he would be busier. But even if the quantity reduces, the quality will be there, he said. He said, he would never give up. He said, these years he tried to go after some other people, but they didn't work, cuz it's just not right.

I don't wanna view it as him unable to find someone else then he comes back to me.
Even tho the voice may force me to think like that.

Give it a try.
Give it a try.

I think it's cool that sometimes I can feel two voices. Haha. It's starting to grow.

One side telling me not to believe.
Another side telling me to embrace him.

Wood will always win.

Miracles happen, but it takes both of us to work together for it.

It begins from me alone, of course it failed.
Now it's him alone.

I don't wanna push him away, actually...
Stubborn ass heart.

I'm so fucking conflicting.

Upside down updates.

I'm not sure what happened to us. I'm not sure what happened to my life too.

Everything's literally upside down. Wood's back around me, sweetest as ever. Moon's gone forever. But the difference is, I wasn't quite welcoming wood back into my arms. I think It trying to let go of the past. To let go of everything he did that might scare the shit out of me. I'm trying to accept that he really wasn't the same anymore. He said, when he came close to me, my heart says no. It's um.... Surprising how he can read my heart. He said, it lasts for five seconds maximum. He says, he will never give up. I remember I said that too. I said that for a year, and finally I realized it was time to let go. He will give up when he realized it too.

Moon case, I'm not sure. I'm gonna assume that I lost this friend. Maybe I was too harsh? I wasn't that harsh, I thought. I don't know. We're basically having icy cold conversation. It's like we had a big argument and we decided to end this friendship. Did we? I dont know. I only know, when he gave me a letter, I muted him. I was pissed. I only know, this recently I am really pissed at him. Pissed that he gave me a letter. Pissed that he wasn't helping at all. I thought we were appreciating each other's Kindness.

Does a relation end just because of concern? Do we screw up strong bonds from caring? One of the reasons wood broke up with me. He cared too much, and exhausted himself to his very boundary. I don't like moon's attitude. I really don't. This is why, the most we can be would be friends. But this is why, I couldn't have much confidence in this friendship. I'm sorry that I get offended easily. If I text you to ask how the fuck you are, I would never expect you to give such a rude answer. Even if it's a joke, my fault then, being annoyed at how you joke. I used to hate the way you act during badminton games. But I guess I forced myself to half accept that. You're like that, and I know you. You're not mean, you're just being you, joking in an inappropriate way in my opinion. That's none of my business. But are you gonna hate me for being easily offended? To give me a letter just because of that?

The difference between the current me and the old me, I will not swallow my pride to beg for something stupid. Everything is temporary, and I accept that.

Give me a letter and I will hate you. Because you know how much I hate that letter. I will not apologize for being such a short tempered person. You can do the things you like. Mock people. Be rude. But to intentionally do the things that you knew how much I hate it, that's unforgivable.

We are done.

I'm still assuming he wouldn't read this, according to how cold our conversations have become. I accept reality. I will be mad, very mad at you for a couple days, a couple hours. But I will get over it. I'm so glad that wood left me, and allowed my perception of reality to develop this way. I'm so glad, I can literally get over you shitty people.

I remember when it was his birthday, I was at Japan. I felt bad for not being there for him. But my heart was there anyway. My heart was there for ET, Loong, Cinnamon and also Moon. I got myself some ebony wood pieces. There I decided to carve his name.

It wasn't perfect, but ebony is one of the strongest woods in the world. I wanted to say, I meant it. Despite the cruel reality, despite how much I hate and unhate you that inconsistently, I hope you will always remember that we used to be close. I guess. I was right anyway.

Relationships never last. Friendships are no different. Everything ends.

Wood made so much effort to show that he really cares for me. I saw it, I felt it all. But still. I have this voice inside. This voice that tells me, don't fall for it. Look at your best friend. I will always believe, shits will always happen when you're at the happiest point of your life.

It's a great day today.
Which means tomorrow I will suffer.

Someone special can be the guy you call when you're so terrified.
Someone special can be the guy that pops up in to your mind once you finish busying, he could be the first one you want to run to, and update everything.
It can wait, when it didn't happen.
It can wait.

At the end, he still leaves your life.

Such a great example of reality.

Gosh, I realized I do have a little tiny hope in this friendship. I realized, there is disappointment. But there. There there, cheers to life, that you can never fall as low as I did before. Bring everything, everyone away from me and look at me being fine.

.

And suddenly I'm getting free time, sitting in an air con room, chilling. I'm starting to go blank. I think...

I'm thinking about texting him, but I know, he has an exam tomorrow. I don't, Shandy doesn't too. We're pretty free. And then... I don't know if I should text him. I'm starting to think, I don't really know him anymore.

He has a test tomorrow. If I text him, is he gonna explode and kill me? I don't know. But I'm afraid he would. I was thinking, I shouldn't judge him by the past. I shouldn't expect this and that. I shouldn't just...... I don't know. I shouldn't just assume that he'll always be him.

I think I should try to get to know him all over again. I should allow him to self intro again.

Two years back, the voice said:
We're not broken just bent.
He said he'd be my first and last, so be patience.
A year ago it changed to:
He will never come back.
Promises are temporary, sad truth bout life.
And now...
He came back. The problem is, until when?
Don't trust, don't give in.
To love is to destroy.
Love makes us blind, makes us dumb and stupid, it kills us! Fuck that shit, I'm awesome alone.

He said, he will never give up.
You will. It says, you will give up. You'll get tired of me like you did before, and you will leave. But guess what? You can't hurt me. I'm heartless. Try me.

And I feel sorry for him.
I'm sorry that people change. This is life.

I'm sorry that I wouldn't try to make efforts.
Cuz you made too much. I don't know see where we're going. We're not gonna progress from that, don't you see?

I need to reintroduce myself, that I'm a fucking negative person. Yes. I believe that promises never last. I believe everything is temporary. I'm always ready for my friends to leave. The newest ones that got close to me would know how frequent I take photos. They would know how much appreciation I showed. But when they leave, I believe that it's fate. Fate wants to end this relation, end it. Life wants to make this friend leave, bring him away. But at the same time, I accept this fate. I may be pissed, sad for a little moment. But this is also, temporary. This is something everyone should have, I believe. To save themselves from damage..

I'm sorry that it breaks you seeing the way I'm different. But look, I'm happy, aren't I?

.

When the world gives you everything you wanted. You wanted an okay result, you wanted your ex to come back to you. But you no longer want that. You adapted to change, in order to make it tru that shitty time. You learnt to be alone, to party, to be happy just by being yourself.

You finally get all you wanted.
But that's not how, right?

We evolve, we don't reverse evolution. Survival of the fittest. You became fit, and you got thrown back to the old environment.

Let's just say, I forget all the shits that happened in the past.
Everyone has to learn to forgive and forget, in order to move on. What if I finally did it? And it didn't want me to.

I tried. I want to feel again. I allowed you to pick up my cold hands. There was nothing. It's not there anymore. I'm so sorry.

Idk what happened to me.

I can look at you, admire you the same, even more, whenever you motivate, whenever your passion shows. You're still that fucking attractive when you help people.

I thought, this is how I felt before I fell for you.

Is it possible to fall for someone for the very second time right after all hopes and dreams have died off? Is it possible to regain all that faith?

I don't even do anything when I had crush on people. I feel so empty, so empty that I don't feel like doing anything to fix that.

I taught myself, when shits happened, tell yourselves, "This is life." And move on. This is how, how we survive. Isn't it ?

I no longer feel anything when you tried to hold me, or hug me, there was nothing at all...

You know I'm done with love, when I started saying things like this when I was drunk.

Have you ever gotten so disappointed you give up to the point where it's just... Nothing anymore ?

I'm so sorry people. I'm not sad. I'm not unhappy or anything, it's been the second week of degree, and life has turned upside down. Everyone started throwing me questions, and I'm starting to say "meh" to everything. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

I finally understand why, rivergrass once told me that it wasn't a good thing to not get affected by things.

Because you forget how to feel.

.

I find myself filled with stupid unnecessary fears.

What's gonna happen when Wood sees me? Are we gonna wave and smile? Or are we gonna walk past each other like nothing happened?

Should I tell him that I passed? Should I talk to him a little before I go?
Experiences told me, do not. Do not text him.

But wouldn't it be mean?

He would be mean if I text him, cuz it would look like I'm desperate.

So I leave like this? I go to him without saying anything?

I had a bad dream about a guy trying to murder me. He killed my friend there, while I fell face down, a floor down, facing some stuff. He thought I was dead, but I just fucked my face, so I had to go tru some stuff and become a new person.

I'm getting bad dreams daily. Again. This is like two years ago man. Felt like something bad's gonna happen.

Ugh..

Stop being worried about uni.

A levels reuslts

I just got my A levels results. Last night after badminton I was already trying to check them. But they weren't released yet at that time. I thought, maybe it's the UK time zone. It's not the release date yet.

Idk how to describe my feelings rn.

I felt I might fail. I was so worried I might fail everything just like how I failed them all during trials. But I told myself, I wasn't prepared for trials. But was I prepared for A2? I was sick. I was sick when I stayed up every fucking night destroying my immune system, just to stuff all that knowledge firmly into my head. I did that halfway and I was down. Was I prepared for A2? I wasn't, too. I was prepared for bio, that's all. Maybe that's why, my bio for A2 was just 2 marks away from AS. This tells me that I can do better for AS. I could've gotten an A if I did better for AS.

I wasn't really strong at chem. All I can say is.... I definitely improved a lot. But that's not enough. But to think of it, I was physically half dead right afrer bio paper. I didn't have much hope for chem. So this result is supposingly satisfying. But another few marks I could've gotten a B. I did better than SPM tho. That's for sure.

Math? I always thought I'm failing math. But I didn't. Ok I almost failed it. I'm relieved I didn't get an ugly U. U means no marks given. Means less than 40. Means fail. I got a score. An ugly one, but at least I got one.

I meet the requirements to uni. It's not borderline meet. It's firm.

"Won't meet exactly but will exceed."
He said.

You were right. I exceeded. In average, I needed around 20 marks to fail each subject. My scores aren't close to failing. Why was I even so afraid of failing? Because of trials? Or getting sick for the entire month? I wish I can get back my paper. Wish I can see what I got wrong. Ugh. I wanna crai. I seriously thought I did so so bad for chem. It was fucking hard. Omg. Everything was hard. But chem paper made me want to die afterwards.

Thank you for having such confidence in me, when I didn't have it. Oh gosh thank you for believing in me.

Text us if it's good news, don't if it's bad news.
I hope I text you guys...

They're awesome peeps.

If I fail, I will see you guys next Wednesday.

I guess that's it......

.

Maybe I have an issue. Maybe I have a seasonal mood swing. I honestly don't really know what's wrong with me. It's August it's just August. Maybe there's a time of the year I start being a useless shit. I should lock myself in my room and stop human interaction. There's always this period that all my drafts, my posts became a tiny fullstop. There's always this period...

I feel like I've been hurting people. I walk around, whenever I start to speak, I hurt someone. I'm starting to feel sorry for people around me. Why am I like this? I'm not supposed to be like this.

I spoke harsh to mom, to grandma. I get annoyed so easily. I felt like I'm starting to stop conversations. I last seened my bestie. I gave ine word replies to people that care about me. I scolded my friend. I was pretty unhappy with so many people. What is wrong with me???

Somehow I thought maybe I shouldn't go out anymore. I should stop hurting people with my shitty words. I should stop talking. Stop existing.

Ugh. I'm starting to think, if this moment I go for drinks I'd start cursing all the way. Just like I did on that day.

LA's supposed to help me. Seems like it's losing power.

I don't wanna fuck up my fist again just for someone unworthy like you.

That's like the meanest thing that's appeared in my head for so long, I'm glad I didn't say it out loud.