Before you slice it deep into your wrist, remind yourself. What makes me live on that day?

My family. I owe them. I owe them. So I cannot die. Live for them. Remember? I'll repay them. Studying is my responsibility. I'm here to study, not to have fun. Of course I can drink to make the journey slightly bearable..

And that's the reason I'm alive. My goals? I have no goals. My parents make me to have a good life. I'll show them until I'm done, then I can die.

Stop crying, put away the knife. 

I have to get good results to earn, then I can die.

Updates

Holy shit did I just neglected my blog for months ? Yes I did.

Recently a lot has happened. I don't even know what to update anymore, too much random stuff. 

Maybe I should start from the exams but that's too long ago even my results are out.

How's life? Life is awesome. The entire holiday I mostly rot in bed and slept until no breakfast was needed. I haven't been out with the wild peeps much these days. Maybe we have our own lives. Maybe I neglected them. Idk. We're all busy.

Result wise... I have four subjects. I got an A for the subject which the lecturer said "This is one of the hardest subjects". Two A- from the one subject that I was damn confident with and another one that I was pretty sure I'm going to get roughly an A-. And a B for a subject that I was fucking sure that the A was gone. So..... Balanced, nothing to be too sad about. Nothing to be happy for.

Wood wise, I think the arguments definitely decreased significantly compared to three years ago. Yeahh it was that bad.  But we still have ups and downs, more ups, but downs were so fucking bottom. Distruptive selection, selection pressure goes towards the extremes. Ok fuck me too much bio. To sum up, all is well.

Everything is fine. I quit drinking. Ok I didn't really quit. I just.. drank much lesser. I'm thankful loong and ET trained up my tolerance tho. They're still here. That amount I had during that wedding dinner was still boom, but I have to insist it's because of how cold it was. I miss them.

Life is okay with full of good food and great people, and it's about to give us more challenges.

Wood's starting intern soon. He's still starting uni with me this monday but as a working student's life. Daily 9am to 6pm with an hour break. What is that life???? That's until mid February, and then he'd leave, to work. Gosh. I'm scared. It's not exactly long distance but it's like no together time... Gah. And alone in INTI,,, I don't know. At least I have a highschool friend there, cookie. Arrogant's gay partner. We weren't close but we do have some level of closeness due to librarians I think?

Imagine traveling alone eating alone everything alone. I used to think maybe I have a developing phobia over all these years. Making friends is hard to me. True friends. Idk. It's just hard to be that close with people unlike when we were little. And... That scares me. Am I gonna blend in, or am I gonna stay alone ?

Alone is my thing.. i duno. Ok fuck it I am tooooo nervous ._. Maybe I should play more badminton. Wait no. Oh ya my arm.

It is NOT getting better hoho. Fffff

Stupid dreams

I had another dream which involves the alcoholics. Ok fine more like the alcoholic. Idk why I'd dream of people even since when we weren't close.

And these dreams... drives us closer.

Such a weird dream but I fucking hope I didn't wake up so I could see how the story goes.

I drove to his place. But there was some events out there. Parking disaster, everything messed up. I didn't even know if he was at home. There wasn't much of a story. It's just that I drove there, and couldn't find him.

Scary.

Wood

Maaaybe wood was right.

My immune system did fucked up after I started drinking. I used to stay up all night for exams and still lived it through like a boss. But recently, each time staying up for exams... I die. Ever since A2, the first time dying during exam, and now for uni too.

Conclusion: alcohol fucks immune systems.

Haiz.................

That one day drinking a can of carlsberg, I thought, carlsberg doesn't even taste good. At least I'm over with beer. I definitely prefer whiskey and wine. If I didn't change that much...

Two years of interesting talks from pn Lim, but wood's passion, one guy's story lit up that thing in me.

Daily head knocks from arrogant, claiming how alcoholic I am that I should stop, but wood reappeared and it all magically stopped.

Is he god?
Yeah he is.

Annd I ran out of tears.

Have you ever have one miserable night your tears streams and stops, alternately. The difference between thinkers ans dreamers, and that dreamers think about the problem, never about the solution.

You'll know it one day when you tried your best to tell your love that you had a long day when you're needing the loves, but he tells you, this is life. You move on. And proceeds to sleep.

Grow up, he says.

Can you hear the ouch from Idk which dimension? I hear it loud and clear. That's when your heart starts telling you, that is total bullshit. Leave the guy.

And you don't want to. You literally run up him and say. Honey can't you just be nice? And he says, my way of caring.

There you go. You stream and stop the entire night, turned out he's neutral about you leaving anyway.

And the end you ask yourself. What was I crying for ?

You can literally jump off a building and he'd say, why would you do such a childish act?

The squad

It's 4th of November. I came to Inti at 14 of August. Guess it's been three months.

I used to play four sessions from Friday to sunday. Twice on Friday, twice on Sunday. And then, I destroyed my arm. I destroyed it a year ago actually. When wood left me, I thought there was nothing left in life. I focused on badminton. I played like there's no tomorrow, and that's how I get to know moon. And then that's how I get to know his friend, ET, then his friends, Loong. Badminton got my life back on track. I was happy. Slightly alcoholic but it was fun, it was great.

Two and a half months of uni life, I almost completely stopped drinking. I can say that I haven't been drinking for a month. But the alcoholic craving was always present. Two and a half months I've been trying to play twice on Sundays, but the arm issue stopped me. I stopped meeting them. I stopped badminton with them. Six times a week becomes once a week. And my arm still hasn't recovered. It's not getting better. The main point is, the people.

I reduced blasting music on my alone times. What to do? Hostel life, it's inappropriate to bring the speaker. It's so expensive, risky to be brought to a fucker infested hostel. But on weekends, I come home to my speaker, and I play the songs. And that's when the memories are triggered. Well I had this talk with Loong. We're like karaoke buddies, but half of his list are older gen songs, while mine are new. So we exchange good songs that we know. And when I blast music, I miss them. He used to ask me consistently if I'd join them for badminton on Sunday. Now, there was nothing left.

It was just the beginning. I promised wood that after this competition, I'd stop badminton completely for one entire month. Then I'd follow his treatment plan. I'd follow strictly and let my shitty arm heal. By that time it would be early December. Those people seemed completely gone. It's terrifying, even tho I'd get distracted during the weekdays due to studies. But when I blast music, when I get alcoholic cravings. When wood argues with me, or when... When there's just nothing in my head. I'd miss them.

It was just the beginning. The treatment plan wasn't even starting. I don't know what's with their life. I don't know if they still remember how to spell my name. I don't know how's cinnamon and ET going. I don't know if pooh and Loong finally get together(I'm pretty sure they will one day). 

Yh, ET taught you how to move on, remember? He said, no matter what, you can always count on your friends.

How do you count on friends when you're not even making friends?

It's so heartbreaking you had to take so many photos during the great times, and think, "I know that nothing lasts forever." I know that we will be close but not for long, so I have to be prepared to lose. Yes, I'm always prepared. I have one huge folder in my laptop greatly categorized. There's a folder named Moon. Another folder named ET squad. Full of photos. Photos that stopped adding. I have a folder of selected photos in my phone. One small folder with most of the group photos. Those that I'd use to reminisce when I just miss them.

Who'd knew it came in so handy that I'd view them so often in class?

You knew that nothing lasts forever, and they aren't even yours to lose.

I don't even need the photos to remember.
One day after badminton, we ate at murni. Loong said he doesn't have good appetite after baddies. So we ate, he ordered a drink. We sat there for so long. They didn't play with their King's raid game. I wonder if they're still playing? There was just me, ET, loong and pan. And they started talking about some great memories. It was like the longest ever I sat for dinner. Two hours plus, without alcohol. ET talked so much Loong finally ordered food. It was nice. Because he said, they had so much fun, and he said, next time he'd tag me along to experience them. It's nice to just sit there and listen, even when I wasn't there, I can easily imagine the scenes. And it was hilarious.

It felt like yesterday. I guess that's it.

Let's stop this bullshit. Accept it, move on.
I already thought about what's gonna happen when the boys get married and get their own lives. It would separate them too. Don't overthink about the sad reality. Life happens, and it happens to everyone, especially you get friends who are not exactly in the same gen as you are. You get to learn some mature thoughts, but you pay for that too.

It's okay.

One month later if the arm problem remains, I'm gonna totally ignore it. Fuck my arm, I'll keep playing. Fuck it, people are more important.

Cray weekend

These two days were super odd days. Partly because Angel (my classmate) came back to pj with wood and I. Plus yesterday's argument with wood. Maybe it was just my insecurities. I was upset over Wood's way of coaching me. It even got me thinking about quitting badminton. How can I ever quit badminton? Quit badminton just to prevent arguments? That is so not me. Nothing lasts forever, I should make decisions for my own, my selfish own, not us. Because I know nothing lasts. My passion towards the non living lasts. Badminton's not gonna leave, wood would. It was really a painful thought. I cried so much thinking about these shits. And it was such a hard thing to stop and to go home. Even scary when I opened the door, Angel was sitting on the floor.

Angel stayed at my place for a day. She was pretty paiseh. But I think my family was weird enough to make her comfortable. I skipped nap for her, woke early for her. Crazy huh. But napping was postponable. Idc I slept back anyway. After violin class, we were ready to go for dinner. And Angel came home with her bf. It was a little schedule messed up. But everything was good. They joined us for dinner. Us as in my fam, and kaitoishan's fam. Her bf seems like a very independent guy. Way different from imaginary impression. I thought it was a little paiseh for them to suddenly meet my relatives, and even my grandma from mom's side. But they have their Ipoh talk that I wouldn't ever have with Grandma. Crazy! Angel was showing a lot of wow expressions. She said our fam is so arty. And that I have loads of talents. It's actually not true. I know that. Our fam was cray.

Dinner is well. Kaitoishan brought his gay friend Hen along. I met him for the second time. The guy was still doing AS. Tough thing, but he seems cool. The atmosphere was pretty good. I briefly introduced my mother side to them. Cray. It was a long meal. Then we went back home. Angel and her guy are both pretty talkative and socialable. It's good. I think. Super good. My mom had so much convo with her, with him too. He opened up to us, and actually told us about why our dinner was enjoyable to him. That laughter. That happiness and jokes. It's fun. And he never had that because his fam was mentally separated, with his slow bro. And because of the bankruptcy, he wasn't stable to further study. I got the wrong idea before.. I thought it was his decision not to continue. Sympathy. I suddenly feel really sorry for him, but happy that he's doing well. I hope life gives him loads of luck. He's a hungry guy. I never had the chance to think how lucky I am. I'm really lucky to have a fam that's this... Crazy. I'm lucky that our fam is fun and talkative. Gosh...

Life is good, I hope I manage it better.

After they left, my sis and I had a talk. She told me about her little student that laughed about anything, and another student that wants to learn aural. And about poon. She's a fierce violin teacher that's always fierce. I said, that's wrong in all ways. Then she said, but she has her good side. She speaks to the students' parents to tell them how to help them improve. She teaches them seriously because she wants them to improve. Actually, if that's the case, it's good. This world has so many teachers who only briefly teaches and not care about the students if they're learning.. That sounds just like wood. Trying to teach me, but I did interpret it wrongly. I overthink, I screwed. I'm sorry. You want me to improve. I know. I just want you to love me more than wanting me to improve.... But I'll do this. I'll try harder, I will not quit.

I'm gonna appreciate everyone.

Fuck negativity and embrace the cool stuff.

Kaitoishan asked me, yh, so do you regret choosing BBTEI? I said, I will not let myself regret. Honestly I'm still doubtful about my choice. I'm afraid of so many shits. But at the same time, I don't have time to regret. At least I think I can't regret. As long as I live, I'll make all the time worth living. There's no such thing as wasting time if you learn something. Even if BBTEI can't get me to a high salary ideal job, as long as I learn, that's worth the time anyway.