Drinking spree

It was the old people entertainment night yesterday aka mom's alumni event. It sounds better in mandarin. Nevermind. I remember asking mom, is there free flow of alcohol there ? Mom said, there will be alcohol but maybe you'd need to pay. Zzz

I wore nice. So mom told me to put make up. I put fucking blue on my eyes. But I thought it looked suitable since I was fully blue. The dress was blue. The shoes were blue. My day was always blue. Suits me! I'm starting to like eyeliner.

I was already having runny nose today. And it was so cold there. Guess what? There was free beer. I mean of course not exactly free but we already paid for it. We gotta eat up to the price we paid isn't it ? So... DRINKKK. I drank with dad.

You have no idea how satisfying my first sip of carlsberg was. So good. I almost forgotten how it's like to have carlsberg in the glass. And then my dear cousin came. I went to his table then. There were full of wine. My eyes shined.

We had wineeee. It's a happy day. But cousin can't drink. So he was completely red and started sleeping. Well that's what happens when you're tired and you drink. Am I tired? I am. I am. But when I drank, I just thought about things. Good old times...

Even tho now I'm sober up, there's still some sadness. I thought of loong. I thought of ET. The days when we were still a team. The days when ET didn't turn to demon. Thought of cinnamon. I loved that squad, a lot. Really. Why would I ruin my arm just to maintain staying in the same channel with them? I loved them. Guess they'd never know how much I appreciate their help.

My ex drove me insane. They got back my rationality. They backed me up when I was dying. Not just once... Well who'd I run to when I get myself heartbroken? ET. He used to be that kind of friend. No more, gone, gone, gone. And that's heartbreaking.

Did you know you drove me insane? Did you know why I became alcoholic? It was you, dummy. You who thought I cheated on you for the people that saved my life?? The most shitty bullshit I've ever heard of.

He talked to me about fiber.
I talked to him about my old wood.
Do you still think about her?
I had a huge teddy bear for her as a gift, but she never accepted it, so I had to look at it everyday, I had to think of her.
It was me who dumped her anyway.

It was me who dumped him too.
Do you still think of him?
Yeah.

I think I definitely have the tendency to still fall for someone else. I can be with people. But once it's midnight, or after those stupid relationships end, maybe.. the one that I think about was still the first one. Stupid me. I shouldn't even drink. I was starting to text people different kinds of stuff. Definitely not me. It was the alcohol. Ish that uncle shouldn't have poured that amount of wine into both me and my cousin's glass. I actually finished his last glass for him, cuz he definitely looked dead. I was just starting to be tipsy when we left.

I don't remember how much we drank. Two glasses carlsberg? Then a glass of white wine? Then... A few glasses of red wine? Probably three. Maybe four. I'd like to say, my tolerance went down a little. We were going from low alcohol percentage to high, so I guess it shouldn't be an issue. I can drink, anyway. It wasn't completely satisfying too, I wanted more wine. hahahahaahhah.

I miss them all.

To think of it, I have a folder full of photos. They're mostly filled with these people I used to be with. Loong squad. My ex. Why? It's like my subconscious knew that I was gonna lose them. It's like I took so many photos to get ready of the lose. Maybe all these wouldn't have happened if I never appreciate them crazily. Maybe I should just stop appreciating them crazily...

The people in the future. How exactly am I supposed to love them?

I know I sounded like I was happy when you said your arm was fucked. I wasn't happy. I love baddy, and you love baddy as much as I do. If I break my arm or leg, I'd just die. I really wasn't happy. Honestly, there was a teeny tiny part of me that wanted you back to training.

I loved being your follower, I was always concerned about your recent activities, why did I chose to unfollow you? Because it wasn't supposed to happen. I wasn't supposed to follow anymore, I shouldn't know about your life anymore because I'm toxic. The way I hang onto something is toxic. So if you made your way back to training, my heart would be secretly be happy. But I'm going to be frustrated. I'll be a huge mess up. Cuz of all people, you mess me up. It's uncontrollable I think. I can't. I wish I can.

I want to make it into presidents list so you can see me during your graduation. So I can see your family, your new girl during your graduation. I hope by that time I will be matured enough to have the ability to walk up to you and say hi. And say hi to your love ones. I hope that wouldn't mess me up. It's a very casual thing to do isn't it? It's like nothing. Greeting an old long lost friend. I wish I really get onto president's list so that you see me unexpectedly. You will never believe that I became an A student.

I've changed a lot in terms of the academic aspects. Otherwise, Idk. Not a lot. I needed someone's wise words I guess. Time will make my way back to insanity. Hope I'll remember everything I've learned from loong squad. Everything's temporary, there's no exception. but it's fine and we just needa learn to let go.

I repeat. It's not your fault I have a slightly different mindset compared to when I was 16. As you can see, "When I was 16". People change. Even if I really changed a mindset because of you, I don't call that your fault. It's something essential. So thank you for that.

Hopefully last night's drinks can stop my thirst for awhile.

Change

"I have a friend who broke up with her bf many many times, but they ended up married with a child right now."
What are you gonna think when you hear such stuff? I can only say, your friend is still just 22. If they have the tendency to break so many times, it's not the end yet. Who knows. Even tho, she was hinting me another question, abt whether we still have a chance together. No.

I think my car alignment is off. Moon said, let's see. Yeah it's definitely off.
I'm really bad at cars. Idk what's wrong when something's wrong. But things I've been taught specifically by passionate peeps, that's a different story.

Lowin, do you know why your shots never go to the back? She said, no, why? Because... Imagine throwing a stone. If you wanna throw it far, you gotta move your arm to the back, then launch your shot to the front, isn't it? She said, yeah. And from that moment onwards, she hit, and she hit far. That's a fast learner. Sometimes I think, we all are supposed, and should be able to learn this fast. It's not about talent or what shit. It's how you've been taught. With patience, with passion, you learn fast. And you can even help people to learn fast. We don't have to be rude.

Now you're smiling, but I think, you have the tendency to be super fierce. Of course. I think that applies to us all. But I'm usually not fierce to people outside. They don't have a space in my life, why waste that energy?

Look at her overall shape. She's fit. Broad shoulders, and those thigh. She must be a swimmer. She was observing, then she agreed. The rest of the day we were staring at girls' legs. I said, I wanna be like these girls. Their thighs look like they can smash open a watermelon. She said, it's actually quite cool that we baddy girls have fitter shapes. She said, cham and I both have that. Our legs are bold. Ahahahah. First time getting this comment. Definitely a compliment.

Life is fine. Biotech is fine. I just gotta maintain the heart to learn. That's the attitude people like to hire isn't it ?

Sometimes I think we have different mindset. I don't think the same like my coursemates. Sometimes I don't think they can generate good reports. I arrogantly think that my reports are actually super good. Even tho I never get full marks, but my intro, my discussion, those important parts always score. I think I have the logic my lecturers are looking for. It's what they want. I get what they want. But my coursemates don't. Sometimes I don't know what they don't know. They just can't start their work without asking weird questions. I'm not saying the ipoh girls. It's the rest. At our senior batch, I think the smartest group should be boey and yen. Sometimes I look at what they do, I don't get the point. Lecturers want us to comment on our friends' work. The point? I don't think they want us to say "wow so informative, good job friend I've learned alot." Wtf was that? Pointless dumb shit. But the sheep did that. It's what they do, right ? Idk but I really can't do that kind of stuff. If I don't agree to something, I don't study. I give up on that part.

What is the cause of Antibiotic resistance? Poor hygiene, poor infection control, misuse of antibiotics, mutation. What is the cause? I repeat. They say, all. But I don't think that's the case. The cause of if we're talking abt antibiotic resistance, of course we're talking bout a specific type of bacteria which its original strain cannot tolerate any of that antibiotic. So why resistance? Cuz mutation. That's the answer isn't it. Poor hygiene and infection control are basically the same, factors that contribute to the spread, not the cause. They don't agree but they can't argue their point.

Sometimes I feel like the more I life, the more I start to be confident. I argue instead of listen and shut up while faintly knowing it doesn't seem right. I argue with facts, with proofs. Unsure? Don't agree? Ask. Find answers. Research. Honestly, this doesn't sound like me at all.

I used to be very quiet when it comes to these. Now, I think I raise my arm more than five times per week. Because I dare to speak up. It's not me. Or something's changing. I've been like this for some time isn't it? Sometimes I think I have too much of attitude. I'd gladly sleep or do unexpected things in front of the lecturers. I think I'm not very normal. I'm going mad. Gosh. I can't recognize myself. Since when did I care about my grades that much ? All my life I only care abt my ex and badminton. Now, my grades. Ahahahaha. Okay. Probably the reason I changed.

Good day

Today was a good day! I'm a a happy person today. I like everything that happened today. Life is awesome. Well it all started with a cancelled 8am class. Best of all. Another hour to sleep. Then goes finishing most of my assignments, then having two remaining chaps to study for immuno. Then lab. Gosh, lab was enjoyable. I thought I hated micro lab. Now I don't even want it to end. It's the best lab. Playing with bacteria is enjoyable. Playing with dilutions, and understanding every step is awesome. Just me and yoc was doing it all, but still it's so fun. Lab ended early tho. I really like lalita. I know, sometimes I'm like a kid losing focus at the half end of the lecture. Micro bores me really. But it's fun when it goes to practical. It's even fun when lalita is the lecturer. The boys in front had their alcohol burning. It's not something you get to see everyday. A flame in the beaker, on the liquid. Coooool.

The ipoh girls waited for me. I love them. I'm starting to love them more and more. Well, they supported me till the end. I'll always remember that. I'll remember everyone who supported me till the end. It was early but we were hungry. So I said let's monopoly and eat ice cream. I think my suggestions are always the best, they agreed and we went happily. Yoc sent me our journal marks. I got one mark deducted from the journal. I'm so fucking happy. From having a C grade, improving to an unstable A, then now, almost full mark. If I didn't get confused at the nine mark question, my test1 could've been good. I'd top the girls. Haaha. But now, our marks are pretty much almost the same. I like how lalita said many failed. She's so worried about us. But we passed stably, so I think we should be able to ace it.

Frost bite was having coffee flavor. It was sooooo good. Better than mint. Holy cow. I love frost bite. We played one chess match because the monopoly was taken. How sad. But I guess the Ipoh girls can't play chess. I thought I sucked. But I'm gonna arrogantly say that I'm probably good at chinese chess. So they can't beat me cuz I used the same strategies, while having a clear view of what's happening in each step. Life is good when menshoe texted me. I said yes. We ate dinner for the second round, damn, mamak is the best budget food around.

Winner came to fetch us all, since jon snow, menshoe and I live in inti hostel. I kinda like him, not that like. So when jon came in I told him about the physio visit. He was like what exercise did she get you, winner was like wow three years issue, perfect. Meanie. I like how safe winner drives. Sooo relaxing, unlike me. Gosh. Need to be like that boi. I think winner's a bit shy, but when you know him better he'd be mischievous and completely sarcastic, not in a bad way. It's better when they're true to you.

I think I'm starting to trust menshoe. Kinda told her why I started baddy, and why I ruined my arm. It's a long story, but she had her conclusion. She said I'm very much of a good type of friend. Lol. I had hard times. We all have hard times, we learn, we grow. I'm like everything is temporary. She's like gosh it's depressing. No it's not, start enjoying the nows.

The steps were all there, but my entire body wasn't really satisfying. I refrained myself from lobbing and smashing, as the therapist adviced. So in the two hours, no lobs no smashes. Can you imagine how hard it is? It was hard. But my arm didn't hurt almost completely. There were one or two shots that accidentally hurt my arm. Heh. It was probably fine. So not satisfying to play baddy this way.

Do you rather play it this way for awhile, or can't play at all in the future ??? The winner is the winner. I need to be scolded. Well he didn't really scold. But it's a reminder. I didn't need it tho. Baddy is my life. It's more important than anyone can imagine, so I'd automatically do anything for baddy. Even if it means saying goodbye to certain people.

Physio clinic

I went for my appointment. I honestly told the girl that another guy did tried to treat me and then I didn't have enough determination. So yeah but I think the treatment shouldn't be completely the same so here I am.

So I told her a quite specific history about when it all went wrong, when it went super bad.. she did some examinations... Guess what, something I couldn't do at all. Arm raised parallel to the body at 90 degrees, thumb pointing downwards. I completely couldn't move up against resistance. And it was baaaaad.

It's quite specific, what she said. I guess physio people enjoy giving loads of exercises. At least she knows what she's doing. It's actually showing me that there is a possibility of recovering, given the patient doesn't lose patience. Given that I don't lose my patience. It's gonna be a tough challenge. But for badminton. At least she didn't tell me to completely rest, just avoid smashing and lobbing since it's what hurts the arm. Good, I can start working hard on my wrist when trying to recover the arm.

I know. I should've listened, maintained the exercises to strengthen that stupid piece of muscle. She said, it could've started with a small pull, a tear. Or whatever, which was supposed to be able to recover by itself, but I did not rest. So my arm starts compensating by using other muscles to perform whatever I needed to do. Ending up that injured piece of muscle didn't work, and I didn't use it, so it's this bad right now. Makes a lot of sense. He said that too I think? Something like that.

I like how I understand a few terms she used. Sometimes she tried to use the layman term while I understood the scientific term. Scientific terms rule. We good. Gonna learn more everyday. Life is good. I just have to fix my arm, for it to be perfect.

Oh small update for today.
I accidentally accepted a DJ from fb. I don't even know who the hell he was, I accepted. So he texted me a little and asked whether he could date me. Hilarious. Then I kinda made him get lost when I said "I'm interested in girls". HAHAHAAH. It's really fun. Oh my god. I need to do this more often. He actually believed me???? DJ guy. Probably a super dry alcoholic shit person like ET. Boys like to play, we gotta play along isn't it?

Life's good. Be happy. Stop being impatient.

Sometimes I really hate my memory in people. My memory in the things I want to remember, things I don't want to let go. I can forget everything so easily. But I can't forget. So conflicting eh?

I saw the soft epilogue post from three years back. We broke up three years ago, around this period. Honestly I have no time to be sentimental about stuff. But it's almost 12. Can you believe it ? Three years. Let's just say, only the first nine months counted. Cuz I always thought the second time, you must be on some crack deciding to come back, since you were so much shittier the second time. We had known each other for like five years. Such a long time. I never regret any sec. It's been a crazy nine months. I'm glad we stopped back then, my fist would've been broken, maybe I've suicided if we didn't stop. Maybe I'd become a totally different person from now, and that thought of different scares me. I don't call myself a happy person. But back then, I was probably fucked up daily. Lucky I didn't develop mental problems and stopped being sane. Lucky we stopped, really. Always thankful for us to be us. It wasn't the best nine months, it was also the best nine months. Conflicting eh? We had ups and downs, that's normal. Back then I held tight. I always thought, you could make me the happiest person in the world, at the same time, the most depressed person in the world. Maybe you're not that toxic after all, it's just the way I live is toxic. The way I appreciate people.

I'm gonna admit. I fucked up my arm because I was sad. I needed to go out a lot. And when people realize how much I like baddy, they ask me out for baddy, a lot. I never rejected. I went, despite how tired I was. I needed to distract myself. That was the first year I think? But slowly, I became better. I had wise friends with wise advices. Those friends that are no longer friends. I begin to accept something realistic but sad. Everything, everyone is temporary. So I tried to appreciate these people. I know them tru baddy, means I maintain them tru baddy. The following years, I played that much because I wanted to be with those people. I loved them a lot. Loong squad. They cared.
You can conclude that I'm a fucking dumbass. I ruined my arm because of my first bf. I further ruined my arm because of some temporary people that healed my shitty mental state. My arm is almost completely ruined, but now I'm not sad anymore. Now, I don't have that kind of friends I want to maintain anymore. I have, actually. But I don't mind anymore. Lavana squad wasn't the same as loong squad. Loong squad did a lot for me when they found out I was fucked up. Lavana squad.... Kon is beginning to talk weird. It's good that I stay away for awhile. Never fall in love when it comes to baddy squad. Never let that happen to kon. It happened within loong squad and now it's gone. It happened to my first bf and now it's gone. Life is still fine... 

Busy busy

Life is so tiring. I got myself scheduled on fixing my arm. I made my decision to quit lavana squad.

Today dr cheng was saying, our test 2 is on next Tuesday. The flying fuck. I wasn't prepared at all. But I guess I expected this weeks ago, so I did have at least 30% prepared before the competition. So i have like 70% notes to go. Two more reports.

I really really will die from high blood pressure. Or maybe, a heart attack. Or fucking stroke. Fuck. These days my patience is going down like negative. It's really really bad. I always hated the printer. But yesterday I whacked it along with my laptop. Trust me I flipped. All the cars on the road appeared to be complete idiots. Do they know where is the accelerator? I doubt. My coursemates. Holy. I'm starting to get impatient with teho. Fuck the nicknames, I can't remember. His English is making my eyeroll stay there forever. I can die. He could do journals no problem. But he has no direction. He can't generate aims. What the hell. If you do an experiment but couldn't generate aims, why the fuck did you do. How did you do without an aim? These people make no sense. Cini was worse. I thought she's normal. No she's not. She's possibly the worst. Mifa has good English but his words are almost complete bullshit. Of course we bullshit, but we have to bullshit to achieve the aim right???? These people. Oh my god. I can't trust them with my marks. I literally quit group works. I can say I forced them to upload it into the group so that I could do some modifications. Never trust anyone. I can't believe they intended to submit what they uploaded. If I can't even understand your discussion, how do you expect the lecturers to understand????

Holy sheet I'm so done. But honestly, at least they do help a little. Like 5%. They get a nice start, but I clean up their mess. Life is fucking shit. Thankfully BC is not ongoing this week. But the boys might play outside. Good thing jon snow is starting to remember me, he asks me along. He knows who the baddy addicts are. But he also knows how bad my arm is currently. Haahah. Who can say no to baddy??? No such person. Even the Ipoh girls are having the urge to play. I made it sound too fun I guess. It is fun. Heh.

I'll finish all the work today even if it means no sleeping. Sleep is for the weak. Remember, I gotta maintain the grades, and social, and baddy. All at once. What is time management? I can confirm I suck at that. Fortunately I'm single. Being with someone definitely gets me this frustrated every sec.

Last lavana

Salty fish's boy was so annoying. Kept teasing kon and I. But the thing is, I don't wanna accept it. Yes I'll admit, I once felt he had something towards me but then I think it should be reasonable that he might not have that too. Friends can be friendly. I'm friendly, to everyone.

Today I invited nicsman along. Gosh, so long time no see. He said he has a competition coming up. So he was literally crazy. He played singles style when we were actually playing mixed. He knew my positioning logic. So as long as he never lift or lob, I'd be in front. And guess what, I stayed in front the whole time. It's basically equivalent to two vs one. Fucking tiring. I'm actually a little worried. Crazy people will get hurt. Or they succeed. Haha.

Crazy guy. Nicsman is crazy.

So I've made my decision. Last time going for double session. Friends will be friends. If we end, we end. It's just life, we can't be too greedy. We hurt ourselves in the end. So gotta let go. I was an idiot for appreciating people the wrong way. Same goes my ex. Same goes loong squad. It all became toxic. Let's just make sure they're healthy peeps. Or I can say, let's make sure the way I spend time with them are healthy.

I asked sob. Do you think kon likes me? He said, yeah. But he said, maybe not tho. We don't know. He said, he once thought kon likes my sister. Now, me. What. I wish he's just friendly. Like I said, no romance allowed in baddy, cuz baddy squads are more important. Baddy squads stay forever, but love doesn't. Love kills the squad. It happened like... So many times. We should start learning.

Life is fine. I have two more years to work on my champion. Nicsman gives good advices. He said, I'm at this level now. I should start predicting my opponents' next shots. Planning, in each shot. My arm is injured. So maybe it's time to train my wrist to become super strong. Yup it's another way. He's motivation. But still I gotta fix my arm. Too many daily activities affected. Now, each smash, or each lob hurts. Each. Yes. I'm actually a little scared to hit high shots. I'm actually more worried that I might be scared of hitting these high shots, so that even if my arm's recovered, I can't play like how I used to play. It'll be disaster. I'll have to... Idk.

Yes I have a choice. You have a choice too. My arm's like it's broken. Meanwhile, I'll train my stamina, abs, legs. Anything. To win that fucking champion. Heh. I have lust. Yes. It's wrong. But just once, I wanna prove it to myself. To people. I can have zero supporters. But I'll put maximum effort. I'm not hopeless, you're hopeless for thinking someone could be hopeless. I'll live life the best way.

I remember there was a super long time whenever I wasn't happy, I'd scroll fb, spamming likes and shares. I'd like the videos I didn't even watch. I'd just spam until I see something relatable. It was a damn weird habit. I guess I reduced doing that.

Now it's more towards blog. Blog whenever and wherever. Or mostly, snapchat. There used to be this difference between sc and ig stories. We could put more words in ig stories back then, so if I have long rants abt random shits I could use that. And slightly personal stuff I'd use sc. So some of them said I have crazy rage hahaahaha just cuz they know me better from sc. But now I think both are the same. Just ig stories give better quality photos. And stupid sc starts having the snapshot sound, making me unable to snap silently. I guess that's why I started losing streaks. I can't snap in class.

It's 3am and trust me I didn't want to do this. I had a nap five hours ago and was expecting to wake like four hours ago. My bad. But imma free soul. I remember the times I'd get scolded for taking night naps. It wasn't even from my parents. Who has the right to lecture me? No one. Fuck off.

All is well. I'm just blogging for the sake of blogging. Well, it's late. I don't text people anymore. I mean. Idk. Something's def wrong with me. I'm a little off. I'm always grumpy. I didn't want that. I'm so sorry everyone. I seen people's chats and ignore. Or sometimes I just reply irrelevant shits that hope they just shut up. I'm a little harder to be with already. Cuz anyone can piss me off without doing anything. Just be curious, a little annoying and I'd start being ugh go away.

However, weird that there's few people who remained texting me frequently. And usually when that happens, I'd repel!! ABORT MISSION. What do they want? First thought forever. Are they over thinking? Yes? Don't reply. Yup I'm that mean. Don't even consider what kind of person they are. People will always be evil. They'll appear Nice. It's the scariest when they appear nice, you fall into the trap and die forever. Look at me.

I'm so tired. I have so much things to do and I'm sitting here don't know doing what shit. I just don't wanna get to the main stuff. I wanna badminton, but badminton hurts my arm. Oh my. Know how bad it is right now? It's the worst it's been. My arm's never been this bad. About four days rest and it was like fucking shit when lobbing. My arm can't lift anything anymore. I mean, that specific angle. It has trouble lifting itself, just the damn arm.

Yes I have a choice. I know. So I'd do something now since I'm super busy, and the mph is also super busy. Weekdays will be rest days. Other days, I had it planned. I'm going to run on weekly Wednesdays, I think. Maybe other days too. Maybe do some ab and thigh exercises, I'll just leave my arm to rest a little. Training goes on. I'd tell coach I have an arm issue and I'm fixing on it, so hopefully he trains me without having me stressing on the arm. Maybe we can focus on wrist and footworks. Cuz last time I remember it was completely fine when I stroked with menshoe just using my wrist. Honestly my wrist definitely felt stronger than before. Lobbing with wrist? Definitely stronger. But coach knows my arm issue. Haha. He's the best. I might as well fall in love with coach so that love dies forever. It's not possible tho. A different kind of love. More like admire.

Ok I think I'll try to sleep ffs.